Are You Settling in Your Romantic Relationship?

why do people settle for people they're not in love with

Why You Shouldn’t Settle This Cuffing Season

or

Overcoming Inner Pain to Find True Love

This past week I’ve had more than one stranger on the internet bring up this idea of settling in romantic relationships. I know that it’s peak cuffing season and many people are out scrambling trying to find someone to spend the cold winter with, but I have to ask the people doing this, why?

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It felt like perhaps the reason this topic kept coming up was that people are struggling with their own deep insecurities when it comes to romance. They say it out loud as a way to tell themselves not to do it because for whatever reason they are tempted to settle themselves.

Of course, it could be a passive-aggressive way for them to imply that the choices I am making could be better aka I could be going out with them, but that seems pretty egotistical of me to consider. Anyone actually doing that would be someone I would never want to date, one person, in particular, couldn’t let it go that I didn’t want to hang out with him or receive his (unasked for) help and that person quickly got himself blocked.

Yet, this idea of settling has continued to stir around in my brains.

Let’s talk for a minute about why people choose to settle.

From what I understand it stems from two main insecurities–fear and loneliness.

Fears that they will always be alone. Fears that they will never be understood. Fears that they aren’t good enough or worthy enough for true love.

People make all sorts of interesting relationship decisions to avoid loneliness. Yes, it can be painful to spend time by yourself, but if you’re experiencing pain while alone then it’s the most vital time to be alone. No one else can fill that void they are merely a distraction, a deflection and sooner or later all those gross feelings you were trying to avoid will rise again to the surface whether you’re living with or loving someone else.

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It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be alone. One must experience the wide world of emotions to truly grasp the beauty of it all. If you’ve never been alone then you’d have no idea what it’s like to be present with someone else. If you’ve never really seen yourself, you’ll never be able to see someone else, really see them– and only when you can see them can you truly love them.

So, this cuffing season, why not take a step back, reflect on who you are and what you really want. Sure, it might be nice to have someone to cuddlefuck while you watch Netflix together, but if you’re just using each other to stay warm wouldn’t it be easy to just buy a heated blanket?

Yes, doing that inner work is going to be much more difficult, but it will bring much more joy in the long run and yes, real true love too.

In other words, stop running from your dark side, embrace it and learn how to work with it instead of against it. This will at least help you become more emotionally intelligent and stop settling for people, jobs, addictions that don’t serve you in any sort of authentic or meaningful way.

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