Weird Sex Wednesday: Holiday Roleplay Fantasies

Your Guide to Holiday Roleplay Ideas

It’s that time of the year again! Can you believe it’s already the holiday season? Christmas is weeks away and a bunch of other holidays too. I’m not super into Christmas, but I can get into the spirits (gin, vodka, whiskey etc). I can also get into the spirit of winter. There’s something nice about it getting dark early and being able to cozy up inside by the (Amish) fireplace and watch movies or read a book or you guessed it, have sex.

If you’re the type who is super into sex, you know just like I do how much fun it is to spice it up on occasion. Nothing says “ho ho ho” quite like getting fucked while wearing a santa hat.

Here are three fantasy role play ideas based off of the holiday season. If you want more check out my patreon where I read erotic stories that I wrote myself based off of these sexy fantasy role play ideas.

The Naughty Elf

I already have pretty big pointy ears so this one isn’t hard for me to pull off (or is it hard and I pull it off?). Really you just need to wear Christmasy like clothing and add a couple of paddles, maybe this candy cane glass dildo, and some squeaky voices to this mix and you’re golden. I mean, why be nice when you can be naughty? It’s way more fun and pretty sure the gifts of pleasure you receive are far better than anything Santa might leave under the tree (unless you’re role-playing with Santa but that’s a story for below).

Get the Candy Cane Glass Dildo Here

Shop for naughty elf costumes here. 

Randy Reindeer

This one might be cutting it close to being considered a furry fetish, but you can take it as far or as not far as you want. My middle name is “Fawn” so when I went to the costume store the day after Halloween and there was a deer costume half-off I had to get it. Now it comes in handy more than once a year. I’m not sure what reindeer sound like when they’re mating, do they even make noises? Probably just a lot of mounting and huffing, I imagine this happening outside, steam from the hot bodies drifting in the air. Just be careful with the antlers, okay?

Look for randy reindeer costumes here. 

Sexy Santa   

Who hasn’t thought about sitting on a sexy Santa’s lap or being the sexy Santa who’s lap gets sat upon? It’s so easy (and hopefully so hard). All it takes really is a Santa hat, but you could always go all out and wear the full suit. Perhaps Mrs. Santa can join. Or a naughty elf or two. Sometimes a dick-in-box is the best present a person can get.

Get a Sexy Santa Hat Here


Planning to try any of these yourself? Have better ones to suggest? Leave comments below. And be sure to follow my Patreon for those erotic tales written and read aloud by yours truly (and yes, each week I’m dressing up at one of the above characters). Happy Holidays and I hope you can Ho Ho Ho it up all month long!

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Sliding Into My DMs Part 2

sexy nun reads instagram direct messages

Men Love Sliding Into My DMs

or

Some of Your Most Popular Sex Questions Answered

As many of you know I’ve not been able to upload YouTube videos for two weeks due to another strike on my account. It was my fault and I have done my time. Anyway here’s a video of me answering some of your most pressing direct messages.

P.S.

Try more than a “heyyy” . . . just saying.

men who slide into Direct messages

What do you do? I’m interested in your services if I think it’s what I’m thinking…
Can I pay you to have sex with me?

What a great question! Here’s the deal. It’s actually illegal in the United States to get paid to have sex with a person. I know, I know, there are plenty of people who do it and more power to them. Personally, I think sex work should be legalized. It would cut down on a lot of violence and sexual health issues because it would be better regulated. Plus, let’s take for a second to recognize all the people with disabilities, both physically and mentally that make it difficult for them to find partners. There’s nothing wrong with being a sexual being or paying to have sexual gratification. It’s not called the oldest profession for nothing. Legally though, I have to decline this offer. If you want to pay me for my time, totally different story, it’s called consulting.

when men have a question

Hey I have a question

Okay. Ask it.

older women interested in younger women

Do you like younger men?

I get asked this a lot. Like all the time. And as I’ve said many many times before age, race, gender, I don’t care about that. What I do care about is your personality. If you have a terrible personality I’m not going to want to have any sort of relations with you; I know this because I have gone out with and even slept with, plenty of people with terrible personalities and I’m trying to un-do, un-learn old bad habits and patterns.

men horny


What a man gotta do to get frisky??!

I’d suggest perhaps indulging in some aphrodisiacs–chocolate, oysters, avocado. Perhaps watch some softcore porn. Maybe go down a deep Instagram hole where you discover pics and videos of people doing things that make you feel sexy. I’m not really sure what most men do to get frisky, I guess I always assumed it came naturally to them, but I get that some people regardless of gender have a harder time getting turned on.

Thanks for the messages, everyone. As you can imagine I do not have time to answer them all, but I appreciate you trying anyway. Every once in a while there’s a chance that I could get back to you, either here or privately. Thanks for reading and watching and don’t forget to follow me on Patreon for more (and yes I mean for pics of my tits if that’s what you’re really looking for).

Weird Sex Wednesday: Having Sex Fantasies About Religious Leaders

sexy jesus, sexy nuns, sexy priests, sexy monks

Would You Fuck A Hot Nun?

or

What Is It That’s So Sexy About Certain Religious Figures?

Recently a fan follower sent me a sexy shirt (and bra + panties set) off of my Amazon wishlist. When it arrived and I put it on I was suddenly reminded of that scene in Bridget Jones Diary when Bridget shows up at the Tarts and Vicars party and no one else is dressed up like a tart or a vicar. Then she runs into an older woman wearing a frilly shirt like the one I’m wearing and say something like, “Oh I guess you didn’t get the memo either.” To which the woman replies, “Yes, I did!” Then runs off embarrassed.

Anyhoo. The shirt reminded me of that party fail and also it reminded me of another form of weird sex– sex with religious leaders.

Sex with priests. Sex with nuns. Sex with monks. Sex with Jesus. Sex with satan.

Or people dressed up like them.

Once I had a boyfriend who dressed up like a priest. I’m pretty sure that was the night a guy wearing a grape costume gave him some molly and we ended up having this weird threesome (but not with the grape guy, someone else?). Could have been a different Halloween though, who can really remember it all?

I’d definitely have sex with Jesus if given the opportunity. Have you seen those ab muscles, damn? Plus, he’s like God or the son of God or whatever you believe, so I bet he has some orgasmic moves.

I used to have a pretty strong fantasy about having sex with an Amish guy, but I don’t really think that fits in this same category.

Buy the same shirt for you or someone you love:

What do you think is the root of these fantasies? Do you think it’s because it’s just so so wrong? The forbidden fruit of spiritual sexuality.

I mean, how could not want to fuck a priest who looks like this?

sexy priest
Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. – Priest from Exorcist TV Series

Anyhoo. Let me know in the comments below what your sexual religious fantasies (or perhaps actual actions) are!

(Talk about sinful sex.)

You can Buy your own sexy priest outfit (and have something ready to wear for Halloween) here:

Leg Avenue Priest Adult Men’s Costume

sexy jesus, sexy nuns, sexy priests, sexy monks
Namaste in bed with you?

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Places I’ve Had Sex (Hometown Area Edition)

weird sex story places i've had sex

Youthful, Free, & Banging Around Town

or

Barely Legal Weird Sex in Weird Places Throwback

Heading back to Denver tomorrow but while I’m still in Kansas I thought I’d make a list of all the places I’ve had sex around here (hometown edition… I’ll save undergrad for another blog).

I didn’t have P-n-V sex until I was 17 and I’m not sure you can even count that as losing my virginity since his dick was the size of a baby carrot (no offense to that dude, he was much better at cunnilingus) and if that were the case I had lost it to some fingers years prior. Anyway, even though I was OLD and only had about 2 ish years of penetrative sex in this area I was doing it ALL around the place. Why? Because it’s quite difficult to get away with sex stuff when your bedroom is right next to your parents’ bedroom.

So. Here we are.

The Not Quite Entirely Accurate List of All the Places I May or May Not Have Had Sex in Kansas

  • On the top bunk of bunk beds in the KU dorms (I did not go to school here)
  • On the bench of a handicap shower in the KU dorms (I did not go to school here)
  • In the back of an S-10 (I was on the bottom. This one left a mark)
  • In the passenger seat of my neon (quite often)
  • In the backseat of my neon
  • Road head
  • On the floor of a trailer (classy, surprised I didn’t catch anything from that one)
  • In my parent’s hot tub (who in my high school didn’t bang in there?)
  • In the parking lot of the Iola movie theater (in my neon before the movie started)
    On a squeaky leather sofa at some dude’s house in Lawrence (another minute man I barely remember)
  • ALMOST on a couch in the green room of my high school theater BUT alas the boyfriend didn’t care for the audience
  • On my parent’s living room couch and floor while dressed as a cheerleader. I was never a cheerleader though I did play one on the stage (SORRY mom and dad, please don’t read my blog, thank you).
  • Gave a handy in the woods near my cousin’s house during a party once.
  • Got finger-banged at one of those house shows where metal bands trying to sound like Rage were playing (also in the back of an S-10, really had a thing for that truck, I mean… guy).

That’s all I can think of at this time. I’m sure I’m missing a few places.

If you were someone participating or a friend who knows please send me a direct message so I can update this list.

In other news, I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve had car sex. I drive a boat-car now I’m not sure why I haven’t banged in it yet. Will have to remedy that. Looking at you, boyfriend. We’ve got some sex-stuff to do when I get back to Denver.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Fight Fucking

fight fucking

You’re Fighting and Then You’re Fucking… How?

or

Hot Couples Everywhere Are Getting into Ficking (aka Fight Fucking)


Last night the guy that I’ve been seeing and I got into it. To keep it short, we have differing opinions on the state our openness with other relationships should be. Maybe he’s trying to cowboy rope me into being monogamous. Maybe I’m trying to have the whole world. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both from both of us and we’re both right and wrong at the same time.

Regardless. I’m not going to go into that too much because it’s still quite fresh and that doesn’t seem fair to him.

What I do want to talk about since it is Weird Sex Wednesday is Fight Fucking. This past night has brought up a bunch of unanswered questions.

Why do we often end up fucking the person we’re fighting with?

Is it one of those things where the two people are both trying to prove something to each other?

Are they trying to hold onto each other even if the end is near?

Are they trying to hold onto each other so the end will not be near? Like, “remember this move? Yeah, you’re going to miss this pussy/dick/ass/etc. so we better make it right.”

What is the likelihood that the couple will continue on that trajectory? Like, almost rewarding each other for fighting.

Is it healthy?

Is it just something that happens?

To be honest, I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while.

The last guy I liked well enough to want to be in a relationship ended up being clinically depressed and rejecting my invitation to become my boyfriend. That was during cuffing season, so sure, it was only a few months ago, but it was not a relationship.

Prior to that was my temporary / accelerated Burner boyfriend. We both knew he was going to leave after a month in the states, so it was easy to not get attached.

Before those two, it’s been like 4 years and that guy ended up fleeing the country because I fucked it up so badly (and an assortment of other reasons).

So yeah, here I am. So used to being independent. Strong. Free. Used to the one-night stands. The friend-with-benefit that leaves after two weeks to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. The guys who are emotionally unavailable so I become that too.

I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. Not really. Not like regular people do.

I’m scared. I push back. I fight with the guy I actually like. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t trust myself. So I hold on. We hold on a bit longer. And maybe after the fighting and the fucking and the fighting there will be something more to hold onto.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Burning Man and the Hottest Sex I Have Ever Had

denmark and hot hot sex guy

Burning Man and Hot Sex with a Guy From Denmark

or

Sweat, Slobber, & Sex Times in the Desert

It’s been so hot lately in Denver, like 90+ days, but these sun-filled days compare not at all to the 11 days I spent at my first ever Burning Man experience last year.

Last year was the hottest Burning Man to date and it wasn’t just because I was there (or was it?). It averaged in the 100s every day. The hottest among them was at 108– at least from what we were told (other Burners feel free to tell me otherwise).

As I’ve said many times, it’s hard for me to separate my Burning Man stories because they all blur together like one fucking long day. And when I say fucking long… I mean that literally.

But, here I shall try because it’s Weird Sex Wednesday and the topic of today’s post is all about the hottest most sweat-fueled sex romp I’ve ever had.

Our camp was hosting a morning Bloody Mary / Manmosa Bar (vodka + mimosas, like vodka is a manly drink, but I digress) so I booked it across the playa walking my broken bike about a mile (in non-burner terms) across the dusty roads (other stories occurred during this walk but I will spare you).

It was hot. I’ll tell you that. It wasn’t even 9 am (probably? Who wears watches these days?!) and it was already reaching 90 degrees.

I went back to the camp to help my campmates with the bar, which meant, because I was hungover as fuck, that I laid under our shade and drank the bloody marys to make sure they tasted okay.

The line was long and girthy before we even officially opened and that’s when I spotted him. The hottest man I had thus seen at Burning Man (and this was like day 6 or 7 so I had seen MANY). I’m not sure exactly WHY I thought he was hot, it could have been heat-exhaustion because he was wearing ridiculous red pants and ridiculous red furry glasses, but at Burning Man (and everywhere else) I could look past his exterior clothing choices and imagine what he’d look like naked– which was hot, very very hot.

I tapped my campmate on the shoulder, pointed at the hot hot guy, “Damn. Look at him!” I drooled (leaking much-needed liquid out of my mouth accidentally).

“Go talk to him!” she said.

“Fuck that. It’s too hot,” I replied as I sucked down my bloody.

She rolled her eyes.

But the Universe is AMAZING!!! And Burning Man is a magical place because not 30 seconds later, he and his campmates are sitting under the shade with me.
They said they were from Denmark (and now I really want to go to Denmark btw) and that they had a “hotel” at the very edge of the playa (I’ll save the hotel story for a different day). It was Hot Hot Guy’s birthday, technically, because they all still hadn’t slept from the night before and they needed shade.

Since I’m a gift-giving person, I offered them all the shade I had.

Even in the shade, it was fucking hot as fuck so we all started misting each other with these fan misters that are a MUST HAVE at Burning Man when Burning Man is the hottest it’s ever been.

I was next to Hot Hot Guy. He asked if he could spray me. I said, “Duh dude. I’ve been waiting my whole life for a guy like you to get me wet.”

I’m telling you right now that Hot Hot Guy misting me with a cool as fuck fan mister was one of the most orgasm experiences I have ever had in my entire life (and I wasn’t even on DRUGS at this point… or was I? Who can keep track anymore).

The Denmark people and our camp hung out for hours, then we were out of drank so all of his campmates decided to go. He stayed.

We went into my tent.

Now, let me tell you a little something something about my tent.

It’s basically big enough for ONE person, maybe two if you’re children or relatively short.

He was neither of those things.

Neither am I.

But together, we made it work.

We slipped, we slid, we sparkled. We did the sex thing.

We even got so over-heated he had to open the tent to stick out heads out for some fresh 100+ degree cool air.

This was quite literally the hottest and most sweat-producing sex I have ever had in my entire life.

After, we went and found a tent full of giant neon furry pillows and took a nap together (thus ending his birthday). But, the day was beautiful. Oh, so beautiful because I got to look at his face the entire time.

Of course, since I was new to Burning Man I did TRY to find him later. Which, yes, I know, was a rookie mistake and I should have chalked it up to a magical moment in time and left it at that. But it doesn’t hurt a girl to make an attempt (except for the heat exhaustion I got from riding across the playa, but again, different story for a different day).

Sure, sure, it wasn’t WEIRD sex. But it was Burner Sex, which is always going to be slightly weirder than regular not-camping-in-the-desert-with-a-bunch-of-freaks-sex.

P.S.
Yes. I would return to Burning Man if a person would care to be so generous and gift me a ticket.

P.P.S.

I would also willing take a new or bigger tent so I could host MORE THAN ONE within said tent and maybe find one of those battery-powered fans or something.

P.P.P.S.

If you happen to be the Hot Hot Guy from Denmark who from what I can recall is currently  living in New York feel free to email me and tell me if I got this story right (and/or make plans to do it again.)

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Rubbing My Pussy Along a Bald Head

weird sex wednesday

Welcome to the First Installment of Weird Sex Wednesday

or

Imagine That Ball Between My Legs Is a Dude’s Bald Head

The other night a dude asked me: what was the weirdest thing you’ve ever done sexually?

My mind went blank.

Then I realized I could say just about anything that I’ve done and it would be weirder than what most people have ever done.

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t even done THAT weird of sex stuff. If one compares me to all the other weird sex stuff available in the world to do, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m like vanilla with chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles.

With that being said, I’ve decided to talk about the sprinkles.

The moments along my sex life path that have been a little more colorful than other times. The weird sex things that stand out.

Of course, I’ll be dipping back into my journals to get some of the juicy stories that no longer exist in the forefront of my memory.

My roommate reminded me of this particular incident for my first Weird Sex Wednesday post.

For the longest time, I had this fantasy. I’d see a man with a shiny bald head and I’d think to myself, I wonder what it would be like to cover his head in oil or lube and then rub my pussy along it. What would it feel like? What would he do? Would I orgasm?

Every time I saw a shiny bald head I would think this.

Now, to be clear, I’m not necessarily into bald men. I’m also not not into them. Physical features are things I notice certainly, but they are not the be all end all of whether or not I’d be into a person. In other words, I like people regardless of their hair.

In any event. One night I was at the Thin Man with my friends. The Thin Man is my favorite bar in Denver. It’s in the Uptown/ City Park neighborhood. The walls are covered in paintings of Jesus and the bartenders always remember my face. At bar close my friend and I were waiting outside for a Lyft* when an older bald dude walks out of the bar, walks down the sidewalk and opens the door to an old brown 70s Chevy.

Now, I knew nothing about this guy except that 1. He was bald. 2. He had the same taste in bars as me. 3. He drove a badass truck.

I drunkenly yell at him, “Hey!!! Nice truck!”

To which he replies, “You ladies want a ride?!”

I shrug and nod yes. My friend is like HELL NO! The Fuck Krystal!?! We’re not getting in a creepy old truck with an old bald dude who just walked out of a bar.

I looked at her like SHE was the crazy one.

“But if we get a ride we won’t have to pay for a lyft!”

“But if we get a LYFT then we probably won’t DIE?!”

My friend makes good points, I should probably listen to said friend more often. I love my friend.

I did not listen to my good-pointed lovely friend. Oh no. Not me. I said, ‘girl, bye’, skipped down the sidewalk and hopped into the passenger side of the brown creepy truck with the old** bald dude inside.

Fast forward after the truck breaks down right outside the gas station and the bald guy and some homeless dudes all push it up to the pumps to an hour later when we’re at my house in my bed and he’s eating me out.

I tell him my fantasy.

He tells me to go for it.

And so, I finally got to rub my pussy along a shiny bald head. It was scratchier than I thought it would be. He didn’t seem to have much reaction regarding it, though I don’t know how one would really react to that. I did not orgasm, but it did make me laugh and that’s close enough sometimes. Would I try it again? Oh for sure.

Though admittedly my new fantasy is to rub my pussy along someone’s muscular oiled-up arm. I have a thing for arms, it’s near fetish in nature but not quite. Perhaps one day I’ll do it and have another story to tell for Weird Wednesday.

 

Wantis Premium Male Dual Channel Space capsule Flip Hole Strong Sucktion Device

P.S.
Clearly, I did not die. But as a person who is still LUCKY to be alive after pulling a stunt like that, I must advise people to not follow in my footsteps. You should not accept rides from strangers unless you’re paying them of course through apps like Lyft (because capitalism and shows like Law & Order SVU teach us that paying for rides from strangers is the only acceptable way to do it.)

*(I’m not a spokesperson for Lyft but I am referring it and preferring it to the other one out there. So, if you want $10 in credit for your first ride from me click my LYFT referral link right here

take a ride with lyft

** He was not old, he was just bald. I mean, yes, he was older than me, but he wasn’t OLD!

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