Weird Sex Wednesday: Holiday Roleplay Fantasies

Your Guide to Holiday Roleplay Ideas

It’s that time of the year again! Can you believe it’s already the holiday season? Christmas is weeks away and a bunch of other holidays too. I’m not super into Christmas, but I can get into the spirits (gin, vodka, whiskey etc). I can also get into the spirit of winter. There’s something nice about it getting dark early and being able to cozy up inside by the (Amish) fireplace and watch movies or read a book or you guessed it, have sex.

If you’re the type who is super into sex, you know just like I do how much fun it is to spice it up on occasion. Nothing says “ho ho ho” quite like getting fucked while wearing a santa hat.

Here are three fantasy role play ideas based off of the holiday season. If you want more check out my patreon where I read erotic stories that I wrote myself based off of these sexy fantasy role play ideas.

The Naughty Elf

I already have pretty big pointy ears so this one isn’t hard for me to pull off (or is it hard and I pull it off?). Really you just need to wear Christmasy like clothing and add a couple of paddles, maybe this candy cane glass dildo, and some squeaky voices to this mix and you’re golden. I mean, why be nice when you can be naughty? It’s way more fun and pretty sure the gifts of pleasure you receive are far better than anything Santa might leave under the tree (unless you’re role-playing with Santa but that’s a story for below).

Get the Candy Cane Glass Dildo Here

Shop for naughty elf costumes here. 

Randy Reindeer

This one might be cutting it close to being considered a furry fetish, but you can take it as far or as not far as you want. My middle name is “Fawn” so when I went to the costume store the day after Halloween and there was a deer costume half-off I had to get it. Now it comes in handy more than once a year. I’m not sure what reindeer sound like when they’re mating, do they even make noises? Probably just a lot of mounting and huffing, I imagine this happening outside, steam from the hot bodies drifting in the air. Just be careful with the antlers, okay?

Look for randy reindeer costumes here. 

Sexy Santa   

Who hasn’t thought about sitting on a sexy Santa’s lap or being the sexy Santa who’s lap gets sat upon? It’s so easy (and hopefully so hard). All it takes really is a Santa hat, but you could always go all out and wear the full suit. Perhaps Mrs. Santa can join. Or a naughty elf or two. Sometimes a dick-in-box is the best present a person can get.

Get a Sexy Santa Hat Here

Planning to try any of these yourself? Have better ones to suggest? Leave comments below. And be sure to follow my Patreon for those erotic tales written and read aloud by yours truly (and yes, each week I’m dressing up at one of the above characters). Happy Holidays and I hope you can Ho Ho Ho it up all month long!

Hear me talk about fantasies!

Weird Sex Wednesday: When Someone Else Shaved My Pubes

To Shave the Pubes or to Not Shave the Pubes

A couple of weeks ago a fan sent in a question asking for advice on the best most polite way to ask his girlfriend to shave her pubic hair. This was because it was a turn on for him to see more of what she had going on down there. You can read my reply to his pubic hair question here.

It was interesting timing to receive said question. I had just gone about two whole weeks without having sex with another person and during that time period my hair didn’t just go wild, it went out of control. I’m pretty sure I could have braided it. I’m pretty sure it started braiding itself.

I discovered I did actually have a preference when it came to my own pubic hair length. The preference now is for it to not be so long other people might choke on it and die. I don’t really like it completely bald. I like to have a least some barrier between my genital skin and someone else’s.

Strangely enough in my 20 years of having pubic hair while on this planet, I have never had anyone else ever shave my pussy (nor have I had a bikini wax, but one step at a time).

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That is, I had never had anyone shave my pussy until last week.

To tell you the truth it was scarier to have this gentleman shave my pussy than it was to be in a truck going 60 miles an hour through stop signs through residential neighborhoods with a driver who was on acid. Why? Because if he wrecked his truck I was dead, but if he wrecked the trimmer, my pussy was dead. The fear of walking around with a dead pussy was scarier than being completely and totally dead dead.

Having someone else shave my pussy was one of the most vulnerable things I have ever done. It was also a good workout because I basically stood in a squat position in this standing shower so he could have a better angle. Perhaps that’s also why it was scary, I didn’t know if my legs would give out mid buzz.

Buy a fancy hair trimmer thing here.

Was it sexy? It was sexy watching him concentrate. It was sexy letting my guard down. Was the act itself sexy, no, it tickled.

The acts AFTER the pussy buzz cut were pretty fucking hot though. I think he was happy to no longer nearly choke to death on my hair. Though the hair from my head still ends up everywhere, but that’s a problem for another day.

Weird Sex Wednesday: Edible Anus, Angry White Male, and The Colt Manhole

weird sex wednesday weird sex position

This Week on Weird Sex Wednesday


Exploring the Weird Side of Sex

The world of sex can be weird. Very weird indeed. Here I explore the weird world of food and sex, the weird position of the week, and a weird sex toy all dudes should try (and then tell me about later).

Weird Food Sex of the Week: The Edible Anus

eat a chocolate anus

I was eating breakfast when my roommate’s girlfriend came into the living room full of excitement. “I’ve got to show you this!” she said as she pulled out her phone. Seconds later there it was–The Edible Anus. “That’s fucking perfect for Weird Sex Wednesday,” I said.

So here we are… it’s true friends, you can now have your anus turned into pieces of chocolate or even get it turned into a silver or bronze replica if you want it to stick around and be admired longer.

The Edible Anus takes eating ass to a whole new level, the level of it actually tasting like chocolate instead of ass. Personally, both are good for different reasons so why not eat it all?! Plus it only cost $10… which is the part that makes me the most skeptical. It’s like the guy doing it probably has a fetish for this sort of thing (totally fine) and has made it affordable so he can see more ass. I mean, it’s cheaper to go and have a mold of your anus turned into chocolate than to go to a truffle store and buy a box off the shelf. Just saying, sometimes eating ass is the best thing you can do.

Weird Sex Position of the Week: The Angry White Male

sex position of the week
Whoa, there! Simmer down big boy…

This sure seems like the era of the angry white male. I mean, look at everything happening in the news. All the bad stuff that many of you have done is creeping up and out and finally coming back to get you. Things aren’t going your way and you’re upset about it. Welcome to the club. Now you’re on equal ground with everyone else and it kind of sucks doesn’t it?

Anyhoo, whether you’re an angry white male or not you can at least play the part with this position. I’d suggest only going so far as to do this position with a consenting partner, I mean, this is role-playing not reality after all.

This position of the day was brought to you by the book Position of the Day Playbook, you can buy the whole thing for yourself (and your partner) if you want to explore more weird and complicated and/or funny sex positions:

Position of the Day Playbook: Sex Every Day in Every Way

Weird Sex Toy of the Week: Colt Manhole

I’m not a dude, but if I was a dude I’d be all about weird sex toys. Perhaps because I am a woman who is all about weird sex toys so I think not much would change if I had a penis.
All that would change is the weird sex toys that I could try. Like this one from Lovehoney. This is the Colt Manhole All-In-One Girth Enhancer, Tunnel Plug and Stroker, it’s a 3-in1 super sex toy. It’s not only a butt plug but it’s also penetrable so someone else can stick their penis inside of it and get a new sensation for both of you. Or you could stick another toy inside it on your own OR you could remove it from your butthole altogether and use it as a male masturbator. It’s soft and stretchy and ribbed on the inside for an intense sensual yummy penis feeling. (Of course, I am making assumptions here since I have no penis but DO have a brain capable of fantasy.) There are so many different things you can do with this toy that you might as well give it a test drive and tell me if I’m right or not.

Click on it to Buy (use codes below to save $):

lovehoney colt manhole

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Having Sex Fantasies About Religious Leaders

sexy jesus, sexy nuns, sexy priests, sexy monks

Would You Fuck A Hot Nun?


What Is It That’s So Sexy About Certain Religious Figures?

Recently a fan follower sent me a sexy shirt (and bra + panties set) off of my Amazon wishlist. When it arrived and I put it on I was suddenly reminded of that scene in Bridget Jones Diary when Bridget shows up at the Tarts and Vicars party and no one else is dressed up like a tart or a vicar. Then she runs into an older woman wearing a frilly shirt like the one I’m wearing and say something like, “Oh I guess you didn’t get the memo either.” To which the woman replies, “Yes, I did!” Then runs off embarrassed.

Anyhoo. The shirt reminded me of that party fail and also it reminded me of another form of weird sex– sex with religious leaders.

Sex with priests. Sex with nuns. Sex with monks. Sex with Jesus. Sex with satan.

Or people dressed up like them.

Once I had a boyfriend who dressed up like a priest. I’m pretty sure that was the night a guy wearing a grape costume gave him some molly and we ended up having this weird threesome (but not with the grape guy, someone else?). Could have been a different Halloween though, who can really remember it all?

I’d definitely have sex with Jesus if given the opportunity. Have you seen those ab muscles, damn? Plus, he’s like God or the son of God or whatever you believe, so I bet he has some orgasmic moves.

I used to have a pretty strong fantasy about having sex with an Amish guy, but I don’t really think that fits in this same category.

Buy the same shirt for you or someone you love:

What do you think is the root of these fantasies? Do you think it’s because it’s just so so wrong? The forbidden fruit of spiritual sexuality.

I mean, how could not want to fuck a priest who looks like this?

sexy priest
Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. – Priest from Exorcist TV Series

Anyhoo. Let me know in the comments below what your sexual religious fantasies (or perhaps actual actions) are!

(Talk about sinful sex.)

You can Buy your own sexy priest outfit (and have something ready to wear for Halloween) here:

Leg Avenue Priest Adult Men’s Costume

sexy jesus, sexy nuns, sexy priests, sexy monks
Namaste in bed with you?

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Places I’ve Had Sex (Hometown Area Edition)

weird sex story places i've had sex

Youthful, Free, & Banging Around Town


Barely Legal Weird Sex in Weird Places Throwback

Heading back to Denver tomorrow but while I’m still in Kansas I thought I’d make a list of all the places I’ve had sex around here (hometown edition… I’ll save undergrad for another blog).

I didn’t have P-n-V sex until I was 17 and I’m not sure you can even count that as losing my virginity since his dick was the size of a baby carrot (no offense to that dude, he was much better at cunnilingus) and if that were the case I had lost it to some fingers years prior. Anyway, even though I was OLD and only had about 2 ish years of penetrative sex in this area I was doing it ALL around the place. Why? Because it’s quite difficult to get away with sex stuff when your bedroom is right next to your parents’ bedroom.

So. Here we are.

The Not Quite Entirely Accurate List of All the Places I May or May Not Have Had Sex in Kansas

  • On the top bunk of bunk beds in the KU dorms (I did not go to school here)
  • On the bench of a handicap shower in the KU dorms (I did not go to school here)
  • In the back of an S-10 (I was on the bottom. This one left a mark)
  • In the passenger seat of my neon (quite often)
  • In the backseat of my neon
  • Road head
  • On the floor of a trailer (classy, surprised I didn’t catch anything from that one)
  • In my parent’s hot tub (who in my high school didn’t bang in there?)
  • In the parking lot of the Iola movie theater (in my neon before the movie started)
    On a squeaky leather sofa at some dude’s house in Lawrence (another minute man I barely remember)
  • ALMOST on a couch in the green room of my high school theater BUT alas the boyfriend didn’t care for the audience
  • On my parent’s living room couch and floor while dressed as a cheerleader. I was never a cheerleader though I did play one on the stage (SORRY mom and dad, please don’t read my blog, thank you).
  • Gave a handy in the woods near my cousin’s house during a party once.
  • Got finger-banged at one of those house shows where metal bands trying to sound like Rage were playing (also in the back of an S-10, really had a thing for that truck, I mean… guy).

That’s all I can think of at this time. I’m sure I’m missing a few places.

If you were someone participating or a friend who knows please send me a direct message so I can update this list.

In other news, I can’t believe how long it’s been since I’ve had car sex. I drive a boat-car now I’m not sure why I haven’t banged in it yet. Will have to remedy that. Looking at you, boyfriend. We’ve got some sex-stuff to do when I get back to Denver.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Fight Fucking

fight fucking

You’re Fighting and Then You’re Fucking… How?


Hot Couples Everywhere Are Getting into Ficking (aka Fight Fucking)

Last night the guy that I’ve been seeing and I got into it. To keep it short, we have differing opinions on the state our openness with other relationships should be. Maybe he’s trying to cowboy rope me into being monogamous. Maybe I’m trying to have the whole world. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both from both of us and we’re both right and wrong at the same time.

Regardless. I’m not going to go into that too much because it’s still quite fresh and that doesn’t seem fair to him.

What I do want to talk about since it is Weird Sex Wednesday is Fight Fucking. This past night has brought up a bunch of unanswered questions.

Why do we often end up fucking the person we’re fighting with?

Is it one of those things where the two people are both trying to prove something to each other?

Are they trying to hold onto each other even if the end is near?

Are they trying to hold onto each other so the end will not be near? Like, “remember this move? Yeah, you’re going to miss this pussy/dick/ass/etc. so we better make it right.”

What is the likelihood that the couple will continue on that trajectory? Like, almost rewarding each other for fighting.

Is it healthy?

Is it just something that happens?

To be honest, I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while.

The last guy I liked well enough to want to be in a relationship ended up being clinically depressed and rejecting my invitation to become my boyfriend. That was during cuffing season, so sure, it was only a few months ago, but it was not a relationship.

Prior to that was my temporary / accelerated Burner boyfriend. We both knew he was going to leave after a month in the states, so it was easy to not get attached.

Before those two, it’s been like 4 years and that guy ended up fleeing the country because I fucked it up so badly (and an assortment of other reasons).

So yeah, here I am. So used to being independent. Strong. Free. Used to the one-night stands. The friend-with-benefit that leaves after two weeks to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. The guys who are emotionally unavailable so I become that too.

I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. Not really. Not like regular people do.

I’m scared. I push back. I fight with the guy I actually like. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t trust myself. So I hold on. We hold on a bit longer. And maybe after the fighting and the fucking and the fighting there will be something more to hold onto.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Sound Healing My Pussy

sound healing weirdness

The Wide Wide World of Snakes, Lakes, Gongs, & Dongs


Opening My Sacral Chakra and Shaking It Like a Sex Goddess

Admittedly this may be getting too weird for some of you. For others of you though, this will prob be right up your alley.

I’ve lived in Colorado for eight years now and during that time I have participated in my fair share of hippie bullshit. Things like this (though not like this if it’s going to get me in trouble)– orgasmic meditation, tripping on acid while prancing around naked at hot springs, going to a party and accidentally getting trapped listening to a conscious listening event (I do not recommend that one).

My favorite hippie thing of all time though is sound healing.

Gong baths™ to be more specific though I have tried a couple of other styles.

The first time I went to a gong bath I was beyond skeptical. I only went because it got me out of work for an hour.

During that hour though I had one of the craziest trips of all time. There’s even a chance I astral projected; it’s still hard for me to admit that I did even though I clearly experienced everything one experiences when astral projecting (I even used my teeth to rip the umbilical cord that connected me to planet earth).

I’ve been a huge fan of these experiences ever since and I try to go to sound healing events as often as I can.

Here’s the thing though.

They’ve been getting REALLY weird. And REALLY sexual.

The last two gong baths I’ve gone to were based on opening up the sacral chakra– for all of you who are not hippies this is like the sex/creative center of your being.

While in this vibrational meditative state I almost always have crazy visions, like tripping except more vivid, closer to a lucid dream, or a movie that I am staring in playing out in my mind.

Anyway. Snakes keep crawling up into my pussy during these gong baths.

And may I add that in real life I am utterly and totally terrified of snakes.

During the gong baths™  I just let it happen. They wrap around my arms then slowly slither down my throat or they circle my legs then enter my vagina.

They’re STILL in there you guys!

Also, this time a frog made its way into my pussy too.

A big ass mother fucking frog.

You all. I looked up the symbolism of these creatures.

Times are changing. I am transforming. I will soon turn into a Snake Goddess I am almost definitely sure of this. Or maybe a Penis Goddess?!?

Maybe all the snakes are just past lovers I can’t shake?

It would make sense since there were HUNDREDS of them.

Just kidding.

I mean, yes, there were hundreds of snakes but not ALL of them got inside of me, most of them just followed me around everywhere I went and I even flew all the way to the other side.

Told you it was getting weird today.

Was this sex per say? No. But it was a meditative state that opened up my sex holes and it was fucking weird as shit so I’d say that it’s close enough.

P.S. If you want to check out a gong bath™ yourself they’re happening now through the weekend (here’s the schedule). He comes back through with a tour every couple of months but there are many many other sound healing events all over this city and probably in other cities too!

Anniversary Collection

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Nose Sucking

into the nose

WTF Do You Nose?


Smell You Later?!

Several years ago when I lived around York and Colfax in Denver, I went out one night all by myself. Solo adventures on Saturday nights were rarely my thing, but everyone I wanted to hang out with was out of town, so I thought it would be a fun time to go out and observe from afar.

At some point later in the evening after plenty of beer drinking, I made my way into X Bar. This is one of the few gay bars in Denver and I assumed I’d be safe from getting hit on.

Well, shock shock, I of course, end up talking to the one straight guy there who had gotten dragged there by all of his gay friends.

hugo butt plug from lelo
Click on the pic to find out how this can give your butt some good vibes!

He was pretty attractive, from Mexico, “futbol” player/coach, from what I understood he had a girlfriend. So, I thought I was safe, in a different way.

Of course, I was wrong. We end up getting drunk and making out on his couch. His girlfriend was out of town and I at the time was an asshole, so sue me (please do not do that, thank you).

Let’s move on to the weird stuff.

We’re on the couch, mouth-to-mouth, tongue-to-tongue, meow meow.

Then, he removes his mouth from my mouth and starts sucking my nose.

That’s right. MY NOSE.

I immediately attempt to retreat, but he just goes in stronger. It’s sloppy and wet and weird.

My feet flutter like the little mermaid trying to make her escape out of the strange ocean of spit enveloping her face.

I try to fight the sensations sending shivers up my spine.

This is gross!

This is not how making-out is supposed to work!

Why is it working then?

Here’s what I think. I think that because I was completely and totally NOT expecting it, it was so weird that the weirdness of it turned me on. I really don’t care to admit it and I honestly would never want anyone to suck on my nose ever again. (I mean, I get it. I’ve got a big strong nose and I’m sure it’s super sexy to some, while plenty of others think I’m a witch… maybe I am a witch, who cares).

Regardless, the point is that sometimes trying something that is just slightly off-kilter might make the night way more memorable than just regular making out/ sex or whatever. I’m not recommending sucking another person’s nose, but if you haven’t do it yet, WHY NOT?

But, You Nose Best.

tantus weird shit
Get weird and create your own stimulation patterns by playing music or using voice commands to control the rhythm, intensity and duration of stimulation.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Burning Man and the Hottest Sex I Have Ever Had

denmark and hot hot sex guy

Burning Man and Hot Sex with a Guy From Denmark


Sweat, Slobber, & Sex Times in the Desert

It’s been so hot lately in Denver, like 90+ days, but these sun-filled days compare not at all to the 11 days I spent at my first ever Burning Man experience last year.

Last year was the hottest Burning Man to date and it wasn’t just because I was there (or was it?). It averaged in the 100s every day. The hottest among them was at 108– at least from what we were told (other Burners feel free to tell me otherwise).

As I’ve said many times, it’s hard for me to separate my Burning Man stories because they all blur together like one fucking long day. And when I say fucking long… I mean that literally.

But, here I shall try because it’s Weird Sex Wednesday and the topic of today’s post is all about the hottest most sweat-fueled sex romp I’ve ever had.

Our camp was hosting a morning Bloody Mary / Manmosa Bar (vodka + mimosas, like vodka is a manly drink, but I digress) so I booked it across the playa walking my broken bike about a mile (in non-burner terms) across the dusty roads (other stories occurred during this walk but I will spare you).

It was hot. I’ll tell you that. It wasn’t even 9 am (probably? Who wears watches these days?!) and it was already reaching 90 degrees.

I went back to the camp to help my campmates with the bar, which meant, because I was hungover as fuck, that I laid under our shade and drank the bloody marys to make sure they tasted okay.

The line was long and girthy before we even officially opened and that’s when I spotted him. The hottest man I had thus seen at Burning Man (and this was like day 6 or 7 so I had seen MANY). I’m not sure exactly WHY I thought he was hot, it could have been heat-exhaustion because he was wearing ridiculous red pants and ridiculous red furry glasses, but at Burning Man (and everywhere else) I could look past his exterior clothing choices and imagine what he’d look like naked– which was hot, very very hot.

I tapped my campmate on the shoulder, pointed at the hot hot guy, “Damn. Look at him!” I drooled (leaking much-needed liquid out of my mouth accidentally).

“Go talk to him!” she said.

“Fuck that. It’s too hot,” I replied as I sucked down my bloody.

She rolled her eyes.

But the Universe is AMAZING!!! And Burning Man is a magical place because not 30 seconds later, he and his campmates are sitting under the shade with me.
They said they were from Denmark (and now I really want to go to Denmark btw) and that they had a “hotel” at the very edge of the playa (I’ll save the hotel story for a different day). It was Hot Hot Guy’s birthday, technically, because they all still hadn’t slept from the night before and they needed shade.

Since I’m a gift-giving person, I offered them all the shade I had.

Even in the shade, it was fucking hot as fuck so we all started misting each other with these fan misters that are a MUST HAVE at Burning Man when Burning Man is the hottest it’s ever been.

I was next to Hot Hot Guy. He asked if he could spray me. I said, “Duh dude. I’ve been waiting my whole life for a guy like you to get me wet.”

I’m telling you right now that Hot Hot Guy misting me with a cool as fuck fan mister was one of the most orgasm experiences I have ever had in my entire life (and I wasn’t even on DRUGS at this point… or was I? Who can keep track anymore).

The Denmark people and our camp hung out for hours, then we were out of drank so all of his campmates decided to go. He stayed.

We went into my tent.

Now, let me tell you a little something something about my tent.

It’s basically big enough for ONE person, maybe two if you’re children or relatively short.

He was neither of those things.

Neither am I.

But together, we made it work.

We slipped, we slid, we sparkled. We did the sex thing.

We even got so over-heated he had to open the tent to stick out heads out for some fresh 100+ degree cool air.

This was quite literally the hottest and most sweat-producing sex I have ever had in my entire life.

After, we went and found a tent full of giant neon furry pillows and took a nap together (thus ending his birthday). But, the day was beautiful. Oh, so beautiful because I got to look at his face the entire time.

Of course, since I was new to Burning Man I did TRY to find him later. Which, yes, I know, was a rookie mistake and I should have chalked it up to a magical moment in time and left it at that. But it doesn’t hurt a girl to make an attempt (except for the heat exhaustion I got from riding across the playa, but again, different story for a different day).

Sure, sure, it wasn’t WEIRD sex. But it was Burner Sex, which is always going to be slightly weirder than regular not-camping-in-the-desert-with-a-bunch-of-freaks-sex.

Yes. I would return to Burning Man if a person would care to be so generous and gift me a ticket.


I would also willing take a new or bigger tent so I could host MORE THAN ONE within said tent and maybe find one of those battery-powered fans or something.


If you happen to be the Hot Hot Guy from Denmark who from what I can recall is currently  living in New York feel free to email me and tell me if I got this story right (and/or make plans to do it again.)

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Rubbing My Pussy Along a Bald Head

weird sex wednesday

Welcome to the First Installment of Weird Sex Wednesday


Imagine That Ball Between My Legs Is a Dude’s Bald Head

The other night a dude asked me: what was the weirdest thing you’ve ever done sexually?

My mind went blank.

Then I realized I could say just about anything that I’ve done and it would be weirder than what most people have ever done.

The truth of the matter is that I haven’t even done THAT weird of sex stuff. If one compares me to all the other weird sex stuff available in the world to do, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m like vanilla with chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles.

With that being said, I’ve decided to talk about the sprinkles.

The moments along my sex life path that have been a little more colorful than other times. The weird sex things that stand out.

Of course, I’ll be dipping back into my journals to get some of the juicy stories that no longer exist in the forefront of my memory.

My roommate reminded me of this particular incident for my first Weird Sex Wednesday post.

For the longest time, I had this fantasy. I’d see a man with a shiny bald head and I’d think to myself, I wonder what it would be like to cover his head in oil or lube and then rub my pussy along it. What would it feel like? What would he do? Would I orgasm?

Every time I saw a shiny bald head I would think this.

Now, to be clear, I’m not necessarily into bald men. I’m also not not into them. Physical features are things I notice certainly, but they are not the be all end all of whether or not I’d be into a person. In other words, I like people regardless of their hair.

In any event. One night I was at the Thin Man with my friends. The Thin Man is my favorite bar in Denver. It’s in the Uptown/ City Park neighborhood. The walls are covered in paintings of Jesus and the bartenders always remember my face. At bar close my friend and I were waiting outside for a Lyft* when an older bald dude walks out of the bar, walks down the sidewalk and opens the door to an old brown 70s Chevy.

Now, I knew nothing about this guy except that 1. He was bald. 2. He had the same taste in bars as me. 3. He drove a badass truck.

I drunkenly yell at him, “Hey!!! Nice truck!”

To which he replies, “You ladies want a ride?!”

I shrug and nod yes. My friend is like HELL NO! The Fuck Krystal!?! We’re not getting in a creepy old truck with an old bald dude who just walked out of a bar.

I looked at her like SHE was the crazy one.

“But if we get a ride we won’t have to pay for a lyft!”

“But if we get a LYFT then we probably won’t DIE?!”

My friend makes good points, I should probably listen to said friend more often. I love my friend.

I did not listen to my good-pointed lovely friend. Oh no. Not me. I said, ‘girl, bye’, skipped down the sidewalk and hopped into the passenger side of the brown creepy truck with the old** bald dude inside.

Fast forward after the truck breaks down right outside the gas station and the bald guy and some homeless dudes all push it up to the pumps to an hour later when we’re at my house in my bed and he’s eating me out.

I tell him my fantasy.

He tells me to go for it.

And so, I finally got to rub my pussy along a shiny bald head. It was scratchier than I thought it would be. He didn’t seem to have much reaction regarding it, though I don’t know how one would really react to that. I did not orgasm, but it did make me laugh and that’s close enough sometimes. Would I try it again? Oh for sure.

Though admittedly my new fantasy is to rub my pussy along someone’s muscular oiled-up arm. I have a thing for arms, it’s near fetish in nature but not quite. Perhaps one day I’ll do it and have another story to tell for Weird Wednesday.


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Clearly, I did not die. But as a person who is still LUCKY to be alive after pulling a stunt like that, I must advise people to not follow in my footsteps. You should not accept rides from strangers unless you’re paying them of course through apps like Lyft (because capitalism and shows like Law & Order SVU teach us that paying for rides from strangers is the only acceptable way to do it.)

*(I’m not a spokesperson for Lyft but I am referring it and preferring it to the other one out there. So, if you want $10 in credit for your first ride from me click my LYFT referral link right here

take a ride with lyft

** He was not old, he was just bald. I mean, yes, he was older than me, but he wasn’t OLD!

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