Don’t be a Dick Charred Eggplant Soup

healthy eggplant soup

Char your tender eggplant and put in it in a blender!

This deliciously smooth soup will not only warm your soul but will help you overcome any negative energy from big dicks in your life.

Have you or someone you know been acting like a dick lately? Well, it’s time to get out the frustration by completely demolishing an eggplant in a sort of symbolic representation of what could happen if you (or someone you know) become too big of a dick. 

Big Dick Energy is way different than being a big dick. For example, BDE is all about confidence, assertiveness, compassion, whereas being a big dick is typically more about being an aggressive ego-maniac fuck boy–no body wants to be around that. 

Feed your soul and your mouth-hole with this charred eggplant soup and release anything (or anyone) that’s no longer serving you. 

Don’t Be a Dick Charred Eggplant Soup Recipe

What you Need:

  • 1 eggplant
  • 1 medium sized onion-diced
  • 6 cloves of garlic
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil 
  • Salt + Pepper + Cayenne (to taste)
  • 32 ounces of vegetable (or chicken) stock
  • Juice of half a lemon

What You Do:

  1. Char the F out of the Eggplant. Watch that Eggplant BURN!!!

First poke some holes with a paring knife in that eggplant, oohh yeah, fuck you eggplant.

Next, place stabbed eggplant on a baking sheet under hot broiler, about 2 inches from flame. 

Cook for 3 or 4 minutes, get that beautiful smooth purple skin all blackened and charred, then turn and cook on other side until eggplant has gone all soft (about 4 minutes more). 

Set aside and that that eggplant cool off. Once you can touch it again remove and discard skins and roughly chop eggplant flesh. (that’s right char and chop the shit out of that eggplant).

  1. Cook it ALL Up in a Pot

You can do this next part while eggplant is charring or while it’s cooling down. 

  • Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil into a (medium to large sized) pot over medium-high heat. 
  • Add onion, season generously with salt and pepper, and cook until softened and beginning to color, 5 to 7 minutes. 
  • Add garlic, cayenne and reserved eggplant and cook 1 more minute.
  • Finally add broth and bring to a brisk simmer. 
  • Reduce heat and simmer gently for 10 minutes. 
  • Be sure to check seasoning and adjust the salt accordingly.
  1. Blend That F-ing Eggplant and Stuff ALL UP!

Now the fun part! Stick the tinder eggplant in a blender! 

Or, in recipe speak: purée soup in batches in blender. But this is where you can really get out some frustrations with any BIG DICKS in your life. BLEND BLEND BLEND until it’s a fucking fine puree in which you can no longer tell that the eggplant ever existed.  

After all that blending, Strain the soup through fine-meshed sieve and discard solid debris and seeds. (There was way more debris than I had anticipated soooo just watch for that… ! This was also a major mess for me, but perhaps I am, just a messy person TBD). 

Anyhoo, once it’s strained add the juice of half of a lemon. Taste again, adding more lemon juice as necessary to your own palate preferences. 

  1. Pour in a Bowl and Eat

Yum! 

Thanks for coming!

Are you really into eggplant? Well, you’re in luck!

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes check out Get Stuffed By an Italian Eggplant

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits on the Chubstep Podcast here

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Sweet Jizz Glazed Carrots

When someone tells you to go eat a carrot now you will have the perfect recipe for just that. These sweet jizz glazed carrots are super simple to make and make a sexy side to any dinner plate. We had them with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes, let me tell you that was TOO much food.

I’m typically not a fan of cooked carrots just straight up by themselves, particularly when they’re sweetened but these didn’t get mushy or weird on me so I can legit recommend them to you all, my carrot loving friends.

Sweet jizz glazed carrots

Ingredients:

One 2 lb bag of carrots, peeled, and cut into quarters

1/4 cup of butter

1/4 cup of honey

1/2 teaspoon Garlic powder

Garlic salt + pepper to taste

One teaspoon ground rosemary OR one tablespoon fresh rosemary de-stemmed, cut or ground in mortal + pestle

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)

What You Do:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F

Get out baking dish (I put foil and cooking spray on mine but you may or may not NEED to that) throw your carrots on the baking dish.

Melt butter + honey + seasonings in pot.

Pour jizz glaze mixture over carrots and then toss those sexy carrots to coat (Alternative. Toss carrots in bowl and then transfer to baking dish to make sure ALL carrots get jizzed on equally).

Bake them for like 40 ish minutes (give or take 5 minutes).

Enjoy putting them in your mouth, chewing, and swallowing.

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Want more carrot recipes?

Check out my Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup