Don’t be a Dick Charred Eggplant Soup

healthy eggplant soup

Char your tender eggplant and put in it in a blender!

This deliciously smooth soup will not only warm your soul but will help you overcome any negative energy from big dicks in your life.

Have you or someone you know been acting like a dick lately? Well, it’s time to get out the frustration by completely demolishing an eggplant in a sort of symbolic representation of what could happen if you (or someone you know) become too big of a dick. 

Big Dick Energy is way different than being a big dick. For example, BDE is all about confidence, assertiveness, compassion, whereas being a big dick is typically more about being an aggressive ego-maniac fuck boy–no body wants to be around that. 

Feed your soul and your mouth-hole with this charred eggplant soup and release anything (or anyone) that’s no longer serving you. 

Don’t Be a Dick Charred Eggplant Soup Recipe

What you Need:

  • 1 eggplant
  • 1 medium sized onion-diced
  • 6 cloves of garlic
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil 
  • Salt + Pepper + Cayenne (to taste)
  • 32 ounces of vegetable (or chicken) stock
  • Juice of half a lemon

What You Do:

  1. Char the F out of the Eggplant. Watch that Eggplant BURN!!!

First poke some holes with a paring knife in that eggplant, oohh yeah, fuck you eggplant.

Next, place stabbed eggplant on a baking sheet under hot broiler, about 2 inches from flame. 

Cook for 3 or 4 minutes, get that beautiful smooth purple skin all blackened and charred, then turn and cook on other side until eggplant has gone all soft (about 4 minutes more). 

Set aside and that that eggplant cool off. Once you can touch it again remove and discard skins and roughly chop eggplant flesh. (that’s right char and chop the shit out of that eggplant).

  1. Cook it ALL Up in a Pot

You can do this next part while eggplant is charring or while it’s cooling down. 

  • Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil into a (medium to large sized) pot over medium-high heat. 
  • Add onion, season generously with salt and pepper, and cook until softened and beginning to color, 5 to 7 minutes. 
  • Add garlic, cayenne and reserved eggplant and cook 1 more minute.
  • Finally add broth and bring to a brisk simmer. 
  • Reduce heat and simmer gently for 10 minutes. 
  • Be sure to check seasoning and adjust the salt accordingly.
  1. Blend That F-ing Eggplant and Stuff ALL UP!

Now the fun part! Stick the tinder eggplant in a blender! 

Or, in recipe speak: purée soup in batches in blender. But this is where you can really get out some frustrations with any BIG DICKS in your life. BLEND BLEND BLEND until it’s a fucking fine puree in which you can no longer tell that the eggplant ever existed.  

After all that blending, Strain the soup through fine-meshed sieve and discard solid debris and seeds. (There was way more debris than I had anticipated soooo just watch for that… ! This was also a major mess for me, but perhaps I am, just a messy person TBD). 

Anyhoo, once it’s strained add the juice of half of a lemon. Taste again, adding more lemon juice as necessary to your own palate preferences. 

  1. Pour in a Bowl and Eat

Yum! 

Thanks for coming!

Are you really into eggplant? Well, you’re in luck!

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes check out Get Stuffed By an Italian Eggplant

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits on the Chubstep Podcast here

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Tickle Your Pickle Hangover Relief Drink

pickles for hangover

Replenish your wrecked body with this pickle-infused powerhouse concoction.

This hangover relief drink with pickles, carrots, ginger, lemon, and lime will help ease some of your most troubling hangover symptoms. Make this the night before you go drink so you can have it on hand in the morning (you will most likely not want to go to all the trouble if you’re feeling like ca-ca).  

Can pickle juice actually cure a hangover?

Controversy abounds as to whether or not pickle juice actually helps a person get over a night of too many cock…tails. Pickles and the juice they swim in contain vital electrolytes such as sodium and potassium; when you drink your body loses electrolytes and thus the theory states that putting them back inside you may in fact help restore balance within. 

Pickles are big part of the phallic diet. They contain probiotics which help with digestion, Vitamin K which helps with your immune system and they are low in calories yet bursting with flavor. Pickles do contain a high amount of salt, so if you’re trying to lower your salt intake or have high blood pressure, you might want to take it easy on the amount of pickles you shove down your throat every day.  

Carrots were actually first grown for medicinal purposes (and they weren’t the orange we see everywhere today). These long, hard, strong, bad boys contain vitamins B6 and K, potassium, and phosphorus– which aid in boosting the immunity and improving brain function. Something you most definitely need after a night of drinking. 

Ginger may be one of the best things you could possibly put in your body. Where your hangover is concerned–ginger helps with nausea and brain function (amongst many other amazing things).  

This recipe was made using a juicer. If you do not have a juicer I have written alternatives so you can still make it. Alright, let’s get to it. 

Tickle Your Pickle Hangover Relief Drink 

What You Need:

If you have juicer: 

8 to 10 carrots 

1 inch of fresh ginger 

1 cup of baby spinach (if using juicer, if not don’t use)

One lemon

One lime 

6 ounces of pickle juice (I used my mom’s homemade spicy pickles)

10 dashes of hot sauce

1 tablespoons Horseradish (optional but highly recommended)

1 teaspoon of worcester sauce 

Black pepper

1 teaspoon of Old Bay + more for garnish and glass rimming

Big carrot + big pickle for garnish

What You Do:

Juice the carrots, ginger, lemon, lime, and baby spinach according to your juicer instructions. 

Dump in pitcher or jar. 

Add pickle juice, hot sauce, horseradish, worcester sauce, black pepper to taste, old bay.

Sit it fridge for one hour to over night. 

Rim Rub Your Glasses

Rub a lemon over the rims of two glasses. Dump some Old Bay on a plate and rim the glasses with the Old Bay.

Put some ice in the glasses and dump juice mixture over ice.

Garnish with big carrot and big pickle. 

Enjoy!

Roll rim of glass in Old Bay for a fancy look + an extra dose of salt
The Tickle Your Pickle Hangover Relief Drink (If You Don’t Have a Juicer) Recipe:

What You Need:

8 ounces carrot juice

The juice of one lemon

The juice of ½ to 1 lime

6 ounces of pickle juice (I used my mom’s homemade spicy pickles)

or ½ teaspoon ginger powder

10 dashes of hot sauce

1 tablespoons Horseradish (optional but highly recommended)

1 teaspoon of worcester sauce 

Black pepper

1 teaspoon of Old Bay + more for garnish and glass rimming

Big carrot + big pickle for garnish

What You Do:

Dump carrot, lemon, lime, and pickle juice into pitcher or jar, add ginger hot sauce, horseradish, worcester sauce, black pepper to taste, old bay.

Sit it fridge for one hour to over night. 

Rim Rub Your Glasses

Rub a lemon over the rims of two glasses. Dump some Old Bay on a plate and rim the glasses with the Old Bay.

Put some ice in the glasses and dump juice mixture over ice.

Garnish with big carrot and big pickle. 

Enjoy!

Yes, I see you over there thinking these thoughts–you can add vodka to this if you want a Hair of the Dog vibe or if you’re like, not hungover but want to be later. Feel free to fill glass half way up and then top with soda water if you’re looking to add some extra hydration. You can also make this if you are not hungover but want some sort of enjoyable healthy juice like recipe.

It’s your life, get your carrot wet however you want. 

Want more Phallic Food Diet Recipes? Check out the Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter, a great addition to any gathering; Super Bowl snacks anyone?

Love Go Eat a Carrot? Support all the hard work by becoming a patron on Patreon.

Is Human Male Cum Vegan?

healthy phallic eating

Are you a vegan worried about swallowing cum?

or

Swim on, semen swimmers, swim on

The backstory

aka

How the fuck did I even GET HERE today?!

This morning I walked back into my house (after leaving man’s house and walking home) wearing the same clothes I had worn last night, my “walk of hell yeah, I got laid” (instead of the walk of shame… as there is no shame in getting laid). Anyway. I skipped into the kitchen because man had made me coffee before I left and my hangover was masked by a liquid blanket of caffeine. I opened the fridge and realized I had no food. I should have realized that earlier since I know for a fact that I haven’t been to the grocery store in over two weeks and yet somehow I always manage to find something to eat, even if it’s leftover celery from the wings I had eaten with another dude the night prior. In any event, I realized that I should probably get my shit together and go and get groceries. If I could walk a mile and a half to go on a date I can walk the 6 blocks it takes to get to Safeway.

I have been contemplating going vegan for a week just to like cleanse my system and force myself to eat healthy stuff like carrots and asparagus and eggplant and other foods that resemble penises that are supposed to help make you big, hard, and strong. I opened an old vegan cookbook that was on the shelf hoping it would inspire healthy eating and ideas on what to get at the grocery store. As I was leafing through the vegan cookbook a beautiful drawing fell out onto my lap. The drawing* is of a person with boobs and a giant cock jizzing all over with the word “Spunk” written out in jizzy-like font.

penis facts and veganism
Is spunk vegan?

The drawing made me think back to the time when I actually was full-on vegan, for two whole years I refrained from the meat and the dairy and the eggs, and yes I still got laid. But! A debate would often come up in friend circles. Is human male ejaculate vegan?

The FINAL Answer.

Quite simply, yes.

Human male ejaculate contains sugars, proteins, and fatty acids that are designed to help the sperm along their journey to the egg (sperm itself only accounts for about 1% of jizz). Most men cum about a teaspoon of semen at a time. This teaspoon of guy-goo is about 5 to 25 calories and though it does contain protein you’d need to basically drink at least a 4 ounce glass of it to get any protein benefits.

But, the question was, is it vegan?!

Dudes. Chill. I know.

I already said YES. Cum is vegan.

If you’re vegan you can swallow a load any fucking time you want.

Assuming that you’re having consensual sex and the other person says it’s okay to eat their splooge.

Because consent is actually what makes ejaculate vegan. Consciousness allows one person to give permission to another person to eat something that has cum out of the body. I’m not sure you could get much more vegan than that actually.

P.S.
Please don’t be dumb and try to argue with me that sperm is people. Sperm is not people, okay. Sperm is sperm. Sperm is owned by the dude and when that dude gives it to someone else they are giving a gift, not of life, but of sperm. Sperm is sperm… remember that the next time you’re eating a carrot.

P.P.S.
Some vegans will only have sex with other vegans, typically this is for political reasons such as “I’m not fucking some non-woke meat eater.” Yet, my roommate just brought up the concept that some vegans think that meat will get into the sperm.

According to all of my research, there is only anecdotal evidence that diet impacts the taste/smell of sperm; it’s actually hydration that will determine the amount of cum that, well, comes out. As far as the meat going into the makeup of the sperm, that seems ridiculous and not accurate and I could find no scientific backing of that BUT prove me wrong?! I’m sure there’s a vegan out there ready to prove me wrong. I’m mean come on, you’re all a bunch of fucking food-trolls, I know because I used to be one of you.

*Do you want to own the above pictured found art piece? Name your price and contact me for details.

Become a Go Eat A Carrot Patron on Patreon!

Follow me on all the Social Media

Instagram
Twitter
Facebook

Show support by purchasing something for me from my Amazon Wish List (I’ll review whatever gets sent my way!)

Need Toys? Here Are Links to My Top 3 Favorite Brands:

Tantus

We-Vibe

Lelo