Fuck You and Your Good Vibes Only, Too

good vibes, bad vibes, fuck vibes,

Good Vibes, Bad Vibes, Fuck Vibes

or

Let’s Just Be Real?

I’ve been super irritable for the past couple of days. My period started while I was still in Florida and the only thing I brought to deal with that was one of those stupid fucking menstrual moon cup things. Of course, the story of how all that unfolded in a horror-movie-blood-bath-show-down in my airplane bathroom is already in the works and will be published in a few days, but for now I want to talk about embracing your rudeness.

Here’s a story about how I was not having it in while I was at the Orlando airport.

Maybe my irritability stems from dudes just not getting it? Like, besides people who think they’re entitled to do whatever they want and who then get mad at other people when they fuck up there are also dudes who think they’re entitled to bug the shit out of people they don’t even know.

For more on what irritates me about guys on Tinder and Instagram, here’s a video explaining more.

To be clear on this. It’s perfectly legitimate and acceptable to follow someone who you find interesting or attractive on Instagram even if the way you find their Instagram is through their Tinder and you haven’t matched with them. What’s not okay is direct messaging them with a “hey.” This is particularly fucked up when the person sending the DM has a private account. This is NOT going to work. Why are dudes suddenly about this? I have not had this problem for the last like 5 years of having my IG connected to my Tinder, but in the last month it’s been unreal.  I took a screenshot for proof but haven’t decided if I want to post it on the blog or not.

What’s most unreal is that I am only moderately attractive compared to so many people on Instagram and I feel l am being bombarded. I can only imagine what it’s like for people who are like legit super hot. Or maybe I get pestered because dudes think they actually stand a chance. . .

The truth is YOU WOULD STAND A CHANCE. If you were just a decent human being. It’s sad that being a decent human being is basically the only standard I have left, but it’s a pretty major one it turns out.

In any event. Sometimes I am rude. Sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I have “bad vibes.” We all do and it’s okay. It’s okay to tell someone to fuck off. It’s okay to be told to fuck off. If I’m being a dick and someone calls me out for it, thank you. I am probably already aware that I am being a dick, but sometimes it just comes out–all you other dicks know what I mean when I say ” it just comes out,” right?

So, let me know what you’ve done while irritated. How were you rude? What bad vibes were you putting out into the world? Who did you troll? Why? Email me, comment below or on the youtube page if you feel like sharing. Would love to learn about your dark sides too.

 

Update. Later today. I go and find a ticket on my car, because I am idiot and the Universe is fucking hilarious.

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Go Eat A Carrot Origin Story

giant carrots shaped like cocks

Thanks to Jesus and SinDay a New Project of Truth Has Emerged

or

Learn All About The Carrot That Changed My Perspective

Jesus Died For Somebody’s Sins But Not Mine. -Patti Smith

This is the story about how “Go Eat A Carrot,” came into being. Yes, it has to do with sex. No, I did not have sex with a carrot, but I did put it in my mouth.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for more.

Read more sex-positive blogs like How to Charm Someone’s Pants Off here.

Not a Liberal or a Republican, Just a Slut

The Beginning of Go Eat a Carrot

Or

Krystal Says Goodbye to Her Liberal Identity and Hello to Pleasure

Here enjoy my manic breakdown episodes from a few days ago. I explain how I got to this point below in a long-winded story. I’ll be posting videos for the next 30 days, starting today.

Breakdown 1: Fuck

(It’s not easy being honest with the world)

Breakdown 2: How a Blow Job Opened My Throat Chakra.

Breakdown 3: Goodbye Hats, Goodbye Guilt

(aka let’s all get slutty)

Breakdown 4: This is what Mania Looks Like

(aka go take a nap)

Here’s how this all unfolded. I was in bed, depressed for like the 10,000th day of my life and I was thinking about how there was this conspiracy theory post that said, “If the government wants to take your guns then you probably need a gun.” It was weird because it was clearly a Republican-leaning person posting that meme but I still resonated with it and sort of wanted to go buy a gun.

I thought back to all of my beliefs I’ve had throughout my life. What had gotten me to that point where I was actually listening to the other side? Through a series of thoughts, I decided that maybe I was no longer a liberal after all. It didn’t necessarily have to do with guns either. Admittedly Roseanne was the last straw. I was on Instagram and I saw a post where Republicans were complaining about liberals complaining about Roseanne. I watched the show and realized that both sides were right and wrong at the same time and that I could agree and disagree with both sides equally.

Roseanne is a situational comedy. That means in 20 minutes they have to solve a situation (and do so in a funny way). And can you believe that a show was able to resolve one of the biggest situations we’ve faced in the last year? That of people no longer speaking to each other because of their political beliefs?

Yet, both sides were pissed about how the show did it.

It was at that point when I knew I could no longer label myself one way or the other. That I had to either go to the middle ground or become an outlier altogether. Instead of being liberal or conservative I instead want to align myself with the open-minded.

The real, truly open-minded. People who willing listen to all sides of an issue and can understand where all sides are coming from while still maintaining their own voice and opinions on the issue.

As this revelation came to me, so too did my guilt from the last 30+ years disappear and most importantly, my depression. I no longer feel dead inside.

Besides the obvious divisive political issues that the two parties constantly argue over, what came up for me once I released the label was an ability to better own my sexuality.

I believe that pleasure is an important element for a healthy existence. How one explores pleasure is up to the individual, but for me, with my background in feminism and liberalism, it has always been difficult to admit that I LIKE COCK. I enjoy spending time with men and with women and the beautiful people in between. I enjoy sex. And though so many liberals claim to be sex-positive, many define sex-positive in a very specific way.

A friend made a comment to me about how all the dudes on tinder just want to “get their carrots wet.” I had never heard anyone refer to a dick as a carrot. The next day I was at the Denver Central Market when I saw a basket full of the biggest carrots I had ever seen in my life. I told my date how excited I was to see such large carrots. He said he’d buy me one and I said if he did I would, “fuck that carrot.”

Suddenly there was the largest girthiest dildo-looking carrot in my hand. We continued on our date. It was evening by this point, we had both eaten an edible and were in bed together doing sexy things. The carrot was looking at us. I picked it up. I realized we hadn’t eaten in hours. I looked at the carrot. I looked at my date. I bit the tip of the carrot off.

Because sometimes you’re hungry for carrot and sometimes you’re hungry for dick and sometimes it’s funny to call a dick a carrot and then put it in your mouth.

If that carrot-dick opens up your throat chakra and then the edible keeps you up all night with thoughts on how you have to TELL THE WORLD YOU LOVE CARROTS then you might end up doing what I’m about to do for the next 30 days, which is tell you everything I know/think about politics and sex. It’s not a lot, hence why I’m doing it for 30 days (and also I have commitment issues). While I’m doing this I want to hear from you too. Comment, troll me if it gets you off. Let’s have a conversation about all of this. I can be wrong. I can be right. In the end, it doesn’t matter as long as we all are happy eating our carrots or peaches or whatever we like to stick in our mouths, which can be nothing at all too.