Enneagrams, Russian Doll, and Killing Yourself

killing the self

A Mental Health Update

Yesterday I went to a therapist for the first time in my entire life.

I’ve been overcoming depression on and off for about twenty years give or take. It’s not that I’ve ever necessarily been afraid to go to therapy. I tell strangers my problems all the time over the internet. I’ve always thought that I could work through everything myself, I thought I was strong enough, that comparatively my problems were nothing.

Well, a few things happened all at once to finally get me to make the call. First, I ended yet another toxic relationship. Then, I went to Planned Parenthood after the end of this toxic relationship and discovered my pH balance in my vagina was off. Shock shock. Not a big deal. This happens to women all the time, we just tend to keep it to ourselves. They put me on antibiotics and thus for the last week I have not been drinking. I’ve instead been filling my time with a lot of reading and a lot of Netflixing.

Broad City Collection

One of the many books I’ve been plowing through is a book about Understanding the Enneagrams. At first, I thought this whole thing was going to be bullshit but bullshit can be entertaining. Initially, I was drawn to it from a writer’s perspective to better understand the motivations behind different people’s actions and reactions. Enneagrams divide people into 9 different personality types that continue to get more complicated and nuanced as you learn more.

As I was reading it I found that people I know fit within certain numbers perfectly. Like the guy I fell for most recently was an unhealthy 3; no self-worth thus manipulates and deceits people until he brings them down to his level. I found myself too. I’m an 8. The Challenger. The Challenger rises from a loss of innocence that can then manifest itself in lustful ways.

Fast forward.

I’m binge-watching Russian Doll on Netflix. I love Natasha Lyonne and Chloe Sevigny. I stick with it even though it starts off as this Groundhog’s Day-esque format of which makes me go mad. Yet, I put my anxiety on hold.

There was something quite powerful with this show even though the repetition of repeating the same day can make a person crazy, which is exactly the point, right? You keep getting thrown these same situations over and over because you’ve never solved the problem you were meant to solve.

The only difference is that our patterns come back with different masks, we don’t get a do-over. (I will not go down the rabbit hole of alternative dimensions today because that just gets complicated.)

Anyway, so we can see the main character repeating the same patterns within the same time frame of a day, day after day, but it’s just the same as us waking up day after different day and getting to try again.

At the end, she is finally confronted with her loss of innocence. She has no where else to go and must take the steps to overcome the pain of her past. She has to kill the part of herself that she no longer the needs. The part of herself that has been trying to protect her all of these years but has instead started to do the opposite. This is not a physical death. It is a letting go.  

Is this character an enneagram 8? Most def.  

Is this all just coincidentally unfolding right here right now for me? Nah. It’s time.

It’s time for me to take proactive steps to stop my pattern that are holding me back.  Sure, I’m strong, but I’m stronger now because I can admit that I can’t do everything on my own.

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