Thirsty Thursday: Whiskey Drinking Problems Blues

woman with the blues drinking whiskey

Sometimes a glass of bourbon is exactly what the doctor ordered

Or

Bulleit Bourbon Whiskey to the Rescue

Alright, world. Here’s the deal. I met someone. We hit it off. Then it got rather turbulent and we are currently on a break.

I haven’t been talking about it because I am not sure if I’m even seeing all of the events from the past couple of months that clearly.

I met this thoughtful and kind man at an after-hours party a few months ago. A big group of us left the after-hours party and continued to party well into the next afternoon. Queens and queers and freaks and weirdos were all gathered at my house. We drank every last drop of alcohol we had here and then we went and got more. We raged.

That kind of raging was fun.

The other kind of rage, not so much.

Turns out the guy that I really got into has an even bigger temper than me. This is saying a lot. If you’ve followed any of my past writing you might recall that I’ve done a lot of work trying to overcome my anger (you can even read all about it in the article I wrote titled, Republicans, Rapists, Real Women: How I’m Reprogramming Anger).

We’re both fire. Short-fused. Competitive.

Of course, we’re also both thoughtful, compassionate, kind (he maybe more so on the last trait).

A series of anger-induced incidents was the last straw for me.

I can’t handle feeling powerless. I can’t handle always being on the defensive. I can’t handle being one-up’ed every single time I ever tell a story. It becomes exhausting.

 

He’s told me that he loves me. He’s told me I’m his world. Yet, how can I let someone in that can turn on a dime and act out irrationally at random intervals?

Believe me, I know I am not perfect. I am cranky (particularly in the morning). I am stubborn. I suffer from resting bitch face.

I’m also weird. I read a lot, which doesn’t necessarily make me smart but it makes me smarter than I used to be. I have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old boy. I take pics with over-sized phallic-shaped foods on a regular basis. I don’t shower as much as I probably should. I can compartmentalize. I can be cold. I can be the life of the party or not want to be around anyone at all.

So yes, it takes a strong soul to handle me.

I also can only handle so much myself and what I cannot tolerate are unnecessary outbursts, temper tantrums, failing to communicate both the logistics of specific situations as well as feelings etc. connected to them.

No one should be in a relationship where they fear how the other person will respond or fear how they could snap at something small at any moment. If you can’t handle little issues then the big ones are going to be hella hard.

So this Thirsty Thursday, I drink a drink to honor all that we had and all that we could have. I’m not giving up completely, but I am distancing myself to better understand my own needs/wants/desires while he does the same. Anger is an energy and when put to proper use it can help change the world for the better, but if it’s anger that reveals itself as unnecessary rage, well that just hurts the entire world and all the people directly (and indirectly) who witness it.

May you quench your thirst on this Thursday and every other day. Thanks for reading my love life update, now go eat a carrot already!

Fifty Shades Freed Official Collection

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Thirsty Thursday: Ode to the Gravel Road

The Simple Man’s Drink of Choice

Or

What to Take to Drank on a Country Cruise

Today is my last day visiting my family in Kansas. I’ll be heading back mid-morning in a probably futile attempt to avoid Denver traffic (yes I am laughing out loud at the idea of that right now). It’s been hot. It’s been humid. Hot and humid is a breeding ground for thirst.

Since it is Thirsty Thursday and I am back home, I thought it would be appropriate to dedicate this week’s drink to one of my favorite activities in the area, country cruisin.

If you’re unfamiliar it’s exactly what it sounds like. You get in a vehicle, preferably a large truck and you drive around aimlessly.

It can be a family activity.

It can be a friend activity.

It can be a romantic activity.

For example, I remember in High School I used to drive my friends around so they could make out in the back seat, because that’s the type of good friend that I am (you’re welcome, Mary).

Is there drinking involved in this activity? I don’t know. I couldn’t say. Could be that people go walking around the gravel roads to just strategically place beer cans in the ditches to add shine and pizzazz to the gravel, who can really say?!

If drinking were involved, at least with the people not driving, I’d imagine that those people would drink really cheap beer.

Probably something like Busch Light, Natural Light, Coors Light, Bud Light.

Or again, maybe people just buy these 30-packs to water their fields and then leave the cans on the side of the road as an offering to the field gods. Who can really say?!

Regardless. I call this Thirsty Thursday Drink Recipe: Ode to the Gravel Road

Ingredients:
My dad’s favorite beer: Coors Light

Supplies:
Foam Koozie

Instructions:
Take the Coors Light, put in the Foam Koozie. Drink up, beotches! “Walk” down the gravel road and place it strategically halfway between the ditch and halfway on the rocks. Let those cans shine bright!

Cheers.

See you back in Denver (after I drive a many miles along the gravel roads).

Does anyone have one of these fancy coolers? And do you like it? You can click on it to order one, though I have not that kind of money myself. . .

YETI Tundra 45

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Thirsty Thursday: Drinking That Anal Juice

anal juice recipe

It’s Anal August, Get It

or

Drink Up That Anal Juice

It’s already August. Can you believe we’ve made it through half of summer already?

August is as good of a time as any for ANAL sex.

Show of fingers, how many have experienced anal before?

All of them? Wow, you dirty dirty slut-fingers.

Male Sex Toys 728X90

How many of you thirsty mother fuckers actually crave anal sex? Well, today, I’m making a drink for you called Anal Juice. Inspired by anal sex gone wrong.

Here’s the deal. When you have anal sex you MUST use some sort of lube. It’s the number one rule for sticking it in the butt. Yes, relaxing into it, being receptive, easing in, those are all fine things to remember to do when someone is about to go in deep in your anus but really truly make sure you lube it down.

If you do not lube it down you could end up tearing part of your anal hole which could turn to anal leakage which could turn to incontinence which could turn to anal juice.

That’s like your butthole leaking uncontrollably.

So in honor of lube-less anal sex, I’ve concockted this very special summer cocktail recipe.

Anal Juice Cocktail Recipe

Ingredients

1-2 shots Whiskey
½ Lemon Juice
Blood Orange Ginger Beer

Directions
Dump the first two ingredients in a glass, top with ice. Unload the blood orange ginger beer on top. Drink up. Enjoy!

And be sure that when you do the what what in the butt butt you use the lube lube. Get some here, you freaks.

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Thirsty Thursday: How to Make Kombucha SCOBY

kombucha scoby recipe

Because Sometimes Some Of Us Need a Break From ALL the Alcohol

or

DIY Recipe to Start Making Hippie Party Tea

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

As you know because you have undoubtedly been following this blog since its beginning–I love drinking. Damn, do I love drinking. I love drinking so much that I decided I should let drinking go for a little bit and if drinking and I are meant to be, we will find our way back to each other.

But for real. I was hard-core drinking there for a hot minute and I decided to take a couple of days off for my liver and my brain and stuff.

That being said I’m thirstier than ever. I mean that both like actually thirsty for some good dranks and thirsty as in someone please fuck my brains out.

One of the reasons I abuse drugs, cigarettes, and alcohol is because it helps numb my sex drive. I know that sounds absurd. Why would anyone want to numb their sex drive?! I don’t know, maybe because that person doesn’t want to get caught dry-humping things in public. Or maybe that person doesn’t really like people that much so that person gets tired of ordering dick off of Tinder. Perhaps the person doesn’t want to appear to be a nymphomaniac even if that person may, in fact, be one (because we all know how that movie goes… not well, not well at all).

In any event, since I talked about my super favorite hippie activity yesterday aka getting my gong on aka sound healing, I thought I’d keep with the hippie theme and teach you all a little bit about kombucha.

It is Thirsty Thursday after all and we deserve to quench our thirst somehow.

WTF is kombucha?

Basically, it’s fermented tea. It’s like party tea. It’s like if your tea decided to get a little tipsy but because it’s healthy and strong and has good self-control it knows when to stop.

Kombucha contains a lot of probiotics. That’s why the hippies like it because it makes them poop real good.

It’s super easy to make. You just brew tea, add some sugar, and throw in a SCOBY.

WTF is a SCOBY?

It’s like an
alien-blob-slimy-mass-of-bacteria-yeast- that-will-eat-your-brains-when-you-are-not-looking.

Just kidding, kind of, SCOBY is actually an acronym that stands for Symbiotic Culture Of Bacteria and Yeast. It looks real weird and gross but it does amazing things to your tea.

You can buy SCOBY off the internet or get one of your hippie friends to give you one (as they have babies ALL the time — the SCOBY not the hippies) OR you can actually make SCOBY yourself if you have no friends or internet shopping capabilities.

Want to learn the ways? You’re in luck because I’m going to show you how to do it.

How to Make SCOBY aka bacteria disc slim:

Ingredients:
1 tsp Black* Tea
3 tbsp Sugar
1 cup Original Kombucha (GTs works best)
Water

Tools:
Small Pot
Quart Glass Jar
1 Paper Towel
1 Rubber Band

Step One: Brew Tea + Add Sugar

  • Bring 2 cups of water to boil in small pot.
  • Turn the heat OFF.
  • Add 1 teaspoon of BLACK* tea (it has to be BLACK* … never go back…) Add 3 tablespoons of sugar (WHITE regular-ass sugar).
  • STIR.
  • Let this shit cool.

* You can use other caffeinated tea to make the actual kombucha but you need the black magic for the SCOBY

Step 2: Add Some Kombucha

  • Pour your strained tea into your hippie glass jar.
  • Add 1 cup of store-bought kombucha* into that jar

*I’d suggest you dump half of the kombucha into another glass so you can get the good stuff aka the slimy squid bacteria yeast that’s already growing in the bottom of the bottle into your hippie jar.

Step 3: Cover Up and Wait

  • Cover your hippie jar with a paper towel and secure it with a rubber band.*
  • Keep it out of the sun! Keep it in temperatures above 70F.
  • Do not disturb it.
  • Imagine it’s a baby vampire and it needs darkness and alone time to grow and prosper.
  • Wait 2 to 4 weeks for it to transform into its peak alien bacteria-yeast grossness.
    When it’s done it’s time to make the kombucha (aka responsible party tea).

*Or a string. Or a metal jar ring minus the actual lid portion. Whatever you happen to have around.

Cheers!

P.S. and F.Y.I. There is a small percentage of alcohol in kombucha so if you’re 100% off the juice then I guess you can’t have any. Good day now.

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Thirsty Thursday: Fireworks Popsicle Shot Recipe

yum yum 4th of july drink recipe

Make Shots That Will Pop Your Socks Off

or

Enjoy Fireworks in Your Mouth (and the Sky)

This year, the 4th of July falls right in the middle of the week. In a way, this is splendid because we get to celebrate our independence the weekend prior, the week of, AND the weekend after.

To me, the 4th of July symbolizes more than just our American independence, but the BIG, BAM, OOOHH LA La’s of summer really kicking into gear. Friends and family gather outside to watch beautiful light displays, drink frothy beer, and eat phallic shaped foods like hot dogs, corn dogs, and yes, the delicious popsicle.

Since I’m going to an Independence Day party this weekend, I thought I’d share this Thirsty Thursday Fireworks Popsicle Shot with you today.

It’s fucking hot here and no one really wants to take a shot of warm ass liquor. If you do you may want to ask yourself if you have alcohol issues.

I prefer to put phallic shaped objects in mouth and what’s more phallic shaped than a long, hard, sweet, popsicle?

Of course, these pop-ice popsicles in the plastic bags aren’t AS phallic-y as say a rocket pop, which would be delicious right now, but they’re the easiest way to make a quick drink.

Thirsty Thursday Fireworks Popsicle Shot Recipe:

Here’s what you need:

Pop Ice
Scissors
Funnel
Liquor of Choice

Here’s What You Do:

Cut the top of the popsicle off, take a bite if necessary so there is at least a shot’s worth of empty space in the plastic.

Put the funnel in the hole.

Pour the liquor in the popsicle (you can measure if you’d like more accuracy)

DRANK it!

Happy (early) 4th of July! May you quench your thirst and experience amazing fireworks.

P.S. Depending on the weather it might not melt as quickly as expected so you can close the top of it, shake it, then shoot it. Or you can wait for it to melt more. OR you can just shoot it back and deal with it mostly just being pure alcohol (that’s slightly less warm than before).

It’s all up to you because this is America and you do what you want.

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Thirsty Thursday: How to Make the Good Vibes Razzzberry Nippler Cocktail

summer cocktail how to recipe and video

Happy Thirsty Thursday Summer Solstice Edition

or

Enjoy The Razzzberry Nippler Through Your Hottest Days

Watch the video for the How-To and to see me use interesting devices to muddle and “stir.”

Happy summer solstice! Today I created a drink you can keep drinking through the longest hottest days of the year. It’s crisp, light, and of course, refreshing.

This drink is dedicated to one of my favorite followers, who recently sent me a Hitachi that changed my entire world (and vibrated me into what could only be described as happiness). Watch to the near end of the video to see the Hitachi in motion.

Here’s the other thing. If you watch this how-to summer cocktail recipe video you’ll see that I use not one but two sex toys to assist in this concocktion. I believe that if you can make a pervertable from kitchen utensils you can reverse that and make sex toys into food & drink helpers as well.

Anyhoo. Here’s the How-To on the Razzzberry Nippler Summer Cocktail.

Razzzberry Nippler Ingredients:

4-6 raspberries
5ish leaves of mint
A dollop of ginger (from the pre-chopped container or like a ¼ an inch peeled and chopped fresh ginger)
The juice of ½ to 1 lime
2 shots tequila
Club soda
Ice

Cocktail Instructions:
Put raspberries, mint ginger, and lime in glass. Muddle with your favorite muddler. I like to use glass dildos but if you’re basic use a basic muddler. Add tequila.* Add ice. Top with club soda. Garnish with lime slice and raspberries.

*Can substitute with rum or whatever. Also… You might want to strain the seeds at this point. That’s all personal preference.

Cheers and happy drinking you thirsty fuckers!

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tantus cock rings
Make your carrot vibrate!

Thirsty Thursday: Why Threesomes Are The Best Somes

why threesomes are the best

You + You + Me = Three, Wee!

or

I believe in the power of the equilateral triangle

I’ve been sitting around all day in the heat, super thirsty, both for the drank and for the sex drank.

I was helping my roommate figure out what she’s going to wear at this event over the weekend, she was naked, I saw her boobs.

Whoa!

For some reason, I got even thirstier.

I dumped cold water all over myself to calm down.

I started to think about what REALLY makes me thirsty.

So far, my favorite sexual encounters that I ever get to have (or have had) are the threesomes.

Here Are My Top 8 Reasons Why Threesomes Are the Best Somes:

  1. There is always something to do
  2. Threesomes stimulate the body and mind in new ways
  3. You can try new interesting positions
  4. Two of you can gang up on one to overload the one with pleasure
  5. You can be ganged up on by the two to be overloaded with pleasure
  6. You can make an equilateral triangle of pleasure
  7. Three is the perfect size to fit on a bed without one or all of you falling off at some point
  8. Threesomes are fucking hot no matter the combination of people MMF, MFF, FFF, MMM, MFT, FTT, etc. whatever. Naked body parts all over!

I currently have two major threesome fantasies.

  1. Mario, Luigi, and the Princess all getting down and dirty together (I’m up to play any part in this one).

2. Woody and Buzz Lightyear tag teaming me taking me to infinity and beyond with some major mind-blowing orgasms, yehaw.

Ask me to name my favorite threesome experience and I will not have the capabilities. That’s like asking me to choose my favorite ice cream or favorite book. Sure, I can DO IT if I have to, but they each hold a special place, memory, and learning experience for me.

You may also be wondering if I am a unicorn and if I would ever have a threesome with you and your lover.

The answers are sadly, “no,” (and less sadly), “maybe?”

For a while, I considered myself a unicorn.

A unicorn in the sex community is considered to be a mythical person who flies in, has no-strings-attached sex with a couple, then just as quickly and quietly disappears, leaving the couple satisfied and better connected than ever before.

Here’s why I am not a unicorn.

For starters I am not a mythical creature, I am a human being and just like every other human being I have emotions and feelings and wants and desires. I have no problem participating in no-strings-attached sex with one or more people. What I have a problem with is always assuming that the third person WANTS NSA sex.

There’s a chance that I actually ENJOY the company of the two people and the sex is good enough that I’d want to do it again.

If you’re in a relationship and you’re worried that the third will come in and wreck what you have, I’m assuming what you have is not that stable to begin with and a threesome isn’t going to solve any of your issues, regardless of whether it’s with a unicorn or a regular person.

I believe that if a couple is choosing to enter into a threesome that the third has just as many rights as the other two and every voice should be heard.

Of course, some threesomes are just three random people doing it, and that’s pretty fun too.

On to the matter as to whether I’d have a threesome with you and someone you know. There’s a chance. It’s a pretty small chance, but I’m saying there’s a chance.

I deleted the Feeld App several months ago, but if you are looking for group-like sexual encounters that’s a tolerable one to use (it had a bunch of tech issues at the time I had it that they claimed were being worked through but I removed it before seeing if that came true. Why did I delete it? Mostly because I was tired of couples thinking they wanted a threesome in fantasy but not being able to follow through in reality AND because I was tired of being a unicorn. We need love and attention too sometimes).

I am aware that many of you out there have never had a threesome. Some of you have no interest while others are SO interested you might be coming off desperate for it. If you are interested in having a threesome and want tips on how to make this happen, let me know in the comments and I’ll write another article about it.

In the meantime, happy Thirsty Thursday, hope your thirst gets quenched! I’m going to go back to fantasizing about Woody and Buzz now.

P.S.

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Thirsty Thursday Cocktail Recipe: Sexy Strawberry Blonde Ethical Slut Punch

summer cocktail recipe

Get Your Cocktail on Today for a Cocktale Tonight

Or

Discover If This Recipe Could Help You Get Laid

I’m a thirsty bitch. I mean that in pretty much every way. As you read or saw last week I talked all about how I’m proud to be thirsty.


{If you make it to the end of this 5-minute video you’ll see us both shake what our mommas’ gave us (you’re welcome).

As a thirsty bitch though, sometimes I get thirsty for more than just dick or pussy or attention. Sometimes I get thirsty for actual drank. Sometimes this girl needs a cocktail before she can carry on experiencing anymore cocktales.

Below is a recipe for my signature drink. Named after me, the sexy strawberry-blonde ethical slut.

This drink is WAY better than that stupid red-headed slut shot they serve at low-end college bars. Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to mix jager with peach? Gag me with a ten-inch dick already… I mean really, gag me with a ten-inch dick… but no, do not ever order me a red-headed slut shot.

My signature drink is delicious just like me.

There’s some healthy sweet fruit all smashed at the bottom. Some lime for that tart and sass. Gin AND tequila because I go both ways. Triple sec because if you say it fast enough it sounds like triple sex, which makes me think of threesomes, which are my FAVORITE when it comes to the sex. MMF, FFM, FFF, any triple sex threesome thing is good with me. Ice because I can be cold, cool, and melt in your mouth. Then, of course, there’s the ginger beer since you all feel the need to call me a ginger all the time even though it’s debatable, but the ginger does add an extra kick and all that liquid helps calm down the hard hard liquor that’s getting all busy in the big ass glass already.

When it’s all mixed up make sure to use your reusable glass or metal straw–this is the ethical part of the drink. Think of it like a condom for your big ass glass. People are getting all butthurt about plastic straws at bars and coffee shops. I get it, I mean, that’s a lot of trash and there is already plenty of trash in the world (insert joke about your mom or Arkansas or something here). metal and glass straws are a great alternative. I’ve had mine since I lived in Boulder–because they have been butthurt about plastic straws for centuries. Anyway, they do last a really long time and I’ve lost more than I’ve broken.

If you’re going to be slutty, if you’re going to get sloppy, might as well be ethical about it.

Will this drink help you get laid? No.

A decent personality, an ability to communicate, a sense of humor, and the whole consent thing (aka not fucking someone super drunk but someone who actually consciously wants to fuck you) those things will help you get laid.

This signature cocktail is just to quench the thirst for a drank. And maybe loosen you up a bit IF you’re down for cocktales (or peach-pies or pink tacos) later.

The full recipe and instructions are below. Cheers!

Thirsty Thursday Cocktail Cocktale Recipe

Sexy Strawberry-Blonde Ethical-Slut Punch

Ingredients:
(for two drinks)
4 to 8 Strawberries
2 to 4 Limes
Gin
Tequila
Triple Sec
Ginger Beer or Ale or Soda Water
Ice

Materials
Big ass glass or jar
Reusable glass or metal straw

Instructions:

Add:

  • 1 part Tequila
  • 1 part Gin
  • 1 part triple sec

Add some cut up  strawberries and smash them in the bottom of the big ass glass.

Throw in the juice of half to one lime.

Put a bunch of Ice in your big ass glass.

Top that big ass glass with ginger beer or ginger ale for that extra PUNCH of flavor (you can use soda water if you have no gingery things or you run out of gingery things or you want to cut out some of the sweetness).

Garnish with lime wedge (and strawberry if you’re feeling real frisky).

Drink up that drank with your reusable glass or metal straw.

Rinse. Repeat until thirst is quenched.

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

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Thirsty Thursday: It’s Okay to be Sexy on Social Media

drink up if you are thirsty

It’s Time to Get Quenched

or

When It’s Hot, We All Get Thirsty

Growing up, “Thirsty Thursday” used to mean 99 cent Route 44s from the Sonic aka America’s Favorite Drive-In. The best Thirsty Thursday Route 44 Sonic beverage choice is and will always be a Cherry Limeade. Other running-up choices include the Strawberry Lemonade or a Grape/Orange/Cherry Slush or maybe MAYBE if the mood is just right, a cherry/vanilla Dr. Pepper. Yum Sonic drinks. (Now I am actually getting thirsty).

Today to be “thirsty” means something entirely different.

It no longer has anything to do with getting a giant-ass styrofoam cup full of corn syrup/ sugar-laced soda mixed with those perfectly tiny squared ice cubes for super cheap (though perhaps Sonic still has that special IDK I haven’t been there on a Thursday in years.).

Now, “to be thirsty” means to want or need something… particularly in relation to either attention or sexual relations or sexual attention or social media likes etc. etc.

Here are some sentence examples of the two main ways the word “thirsty” is often used:

Dick messages like 50 women on Instagram every day asking them what’s up, trying to get them to talk and or fuck him; that bitch is thirsty.

Kitty has been staring at that guy across the bar for so long that drool is coming out her mouth and she’s about to start humping her chair; that bitch is thirsty.

Jack is always posting pics of his giant ass biceps on Instagram, that bitch is thirsty.

Krystal posts half-naked pics of herself all over Instagram all day, that bitch is thirsty.

Candy has sent over 5,000 emails trying to get interviews for publicity work, that bitch is thirsty.

SodaStream Fizzi MEGA KIT Sparkling Water Maker with 3 1L Carbonating Bottles and 60L CO2 Cylinder Cartridge,Lightweight Sleek Design, Makes Tap Into Sparkling Water in Seconds!

People seem to use this word in a negative context. Is it wrong to want attention? Is it wrong to want other people to see how sexy you are or to know that you’re thinking of them? Is it wrong to actually go after the things that you want? Fuck it. I don’t care. I’ll be thirsty all day every damn day.

As it was stated in an article called The Modern History of Thirst:

“I think holding in thirst to please other people and to be ‘cool’ is the thirstiest thing one can do.”

So I will not hold back my thirst.

I will continue to show my half naked body all over social media. Why? Because I like it. I like sex. I like being sexual. I like you liking it. I enjoy your attention.

I don’t give a fuck if you think I’m an attention-seeking slut because I AM. I am also about a million other things too so I can be that for a moment then go and be a weirdo who farts and picks her nose while she’s eating an entire container of ice cream. Why? Because we are all complex beings. We all have thirst, we all have hunger. We all want to be wanted whether we want to admit to that want or not.

So drink up bitches. This tall glass of lemonade won’t be full or wet for that many more days. . . (not sure if that sentence actually works in this context but I have other things to do with my day to day, like go and find a drink.)

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