Masturbation Monday: Why Men Wanking Off Is Such an Embarrassment

men having sex with themselves

Choke the Chicken, Flog the Hog, Yank the Crank

or

Male Masturbation Gets the Shaft

I talk about fucking myself ALL the time. Most people do not do this. Most people keep their wanking off stories to themselves. I suppose this makes sense. Most people do not go around talking about how much they enjoy brushing their teeth, what the best toothbrushes are, how to really get in there with the bristles and get that gum disease off. So, I get why it might be a mundane subject to people. Because, yes, masturbation should be part of every person’s daily maintenance just like brushing one’s teeth.

So why is there so much stigma around dudes’ cuffing their carrots?

It probably has something to do with the phallocentrism that pops up all over our earth and of course, let us not forget the patriarchy.

We get it. You have a PENIS! Congrats.

The rest of the world doesn’t need to hear or see or smell anything to do with it. Keep it in your pants! Or take it out, buff the banana, and carry on your day.

You’re horny. You watch porn. You take pics of your dick and send it out to randos hoping one or two may bite–not literally– and send you some sexy pics back.

The stigma stems from TMD. Too much dick.

It’s a culture oversaturated — not by seeing dick necessarily — but by the unseen dicks’ need to shower the world with its creamy milk juice (over and over and over again).

Of course, this stigma makes talking about male masturbation as an art much harder.

For example, guys are not going around discussing tips for better baloney boppin.

Don’t even get me started on the toy industry! There are SOME good toys for the penis, but of course clits & g-spots by far rule this market.

Is talking about male masturbation in a mature way even possible? I don’t know. That’s the other thing about pounding the flounder, it’s almost always portrayed in mass media as something funny. Because the penis is funny let’s be honest. Sure, it’s sexy and hard and like a powerful rod of magic and delight, but still, male masturbation does not have the same sort of appeal as say ass fucking does or even watching a hot girl stick a wet carrot in her mouth.

I don’t know guys. You tell me. This is just round 1 on this topic as I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m relying on YOU to inform me. So comment below or send me an email. Let me know your thoughts on the stigma surrounding teasing the weasel.

Also– buy this if you want a good male masturbator:

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Masturbation Monday: Lelo Sona Cruise Reviewed

sex toy review

If You Like Orgasming in 20 seconds or Less This is the Toy For You

or

I have no brains left thanks to Lelo Sona Cruise

Thanks to a couple of my loyal amazing followers who pitched in on a gift for me (which you can also do by checking out my Amazon Wish List here) I received the Lelo Sona Cruise in the mail a few days ago.

On the Lelo page, they make claims that this tiny ass clitoral vibrator:

“stimulates 75% more of your clitoris, for a feeling that will change your life, one orgasm at a time.”

It does this by using sonic waves instead of a typical vibrator that uses, well, vibrations. The waves go beyond the external to pulsate and stimulate (because our clits are a web of nerve endings, not just little fashionable vulva buttons).

Since my time at Fascinations, I have tried nearly a hundred different sex toys. I have become a sex toy snob. I have three favorite companies and Lelo happens to be one of them (We-Vibe and Fun Factory are the other).

Receive Free, Discreet Shipping on all We-Vibe orders.

A former coworker used to refer to Lelo toys as “Gucci for your Coochie,” which is as close to accurate as you’re going to get. They are indeed a luxury sex toy company (the $2,500 gold prostate toy pretty much exemplifies that). Lelo designs are streamlined, beautiful, and classy. Plus, they’re all made out of medical-grade materials and are rechargeable.

When I opened the Sona Cruise box I was both mesmerized by the impressive design and slightly skeptical about this small suction looking device doing anything of value for my pussy. I could not imagine how anything could be better than the Hitachi (my most recent vibrator love).

The thing about vibrators is that, just like with polyamory, you can love MORE than ONE.

Just because you get pleasure from eating pizza does not take away from the fact that you also get pleasure from putting ice cream in your mouth.

After charging and cleaning the Lelo Sona Cruise, it was time to give it a whirl or for it to whirl me or perhaps we’d whirl each other?! Anyway. I turned it on and it was SO quiet. After getting used to the power-drill sounds of the Hitachi I thought there was NO way it was going to do anything at all to my clitoris.

I put the tiny spout mouth up to my finger, it was like, egh. I put it on my nipple, it was like oohh, okkaayy, maybe. . . I put it on my clit.

Well. I TRIED to put it on my clit.

lelo sona cruise sex toy review
Oh, hey girlfriend.

After I maneuvered it around to find the exact correct spot for ultimate sensation, which took a bit longer than I thought it would, I hit THE SPOT and it felt like a fucking electrical lightning surge zip all the way my body.

I dropped it.

Whoa. I thought. WHOA.

“Okay, little pink friend with the power punch, looks like you may be able to hold your own after all,” I said to myself in my head and not out loud or anything weird like how dirty talking your sex toys would probably be, that I would never EVER do. . . .

Right.

Moving on.

The very first initial contact was super intense, but I needed lube.

So, I put a drop or 10 (because I have the Sahara desert of vaginas from living in this dry ass climate and almost always being hungover and dehydrated) on my pussy, took a deep breath and got back to work.

Simply. Yes.
Yes.

Yyyesss.

Holy shit.

Damn.

Alright.

I couldn’t even pay attention to porn while this thing was on my button. My brain couldn’t handle the multi-tasking. My clit could barely handle the sensations.

I turned on the different rhythms/patterns to help give my clit a seconds rest and it turned out that I enjoyed the rhythm/patterns MORE than just the straight BUZZ, which NEVER has happened with a toy before.

Fuck.

Shit.

Oh. My. God.

It felt like a three-minute long mini-orgasm that ended with a MAJOR orgasmic mind-blowing explosion.

WTF?!

Small little pink friend, if that’s how you’re going to roll (or pulsate), I will accept your offering.

So, yeah. Um. It was good.

But that’s not all my friends and followers. That is not where the Lelo Sona story ends.

Later that night, my current mansexfriendthingthatdoesnothavealabel wanted me to demo the toy for him.

He had been eating me out so when I put the toy on my clit it made these amazing sloppy wet noises that were kind of hilarious and also totally recordable for an interesting EDM remix throwdown. Yet, still, the sound of the toy itself was almost inaudible. Anyhoo…

A lot of people claim that sex toys/vibrators sort of “numb the clit,” and that they create this inability to get off with actual people, but I’m here to counter that and say that since the Hitachi and the Lelo Sona Cruise I’ve turned into basically a Cum Queen. I’m orgasming ALL the fucking time, both alone and with people. At the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. Like, holy shit. Both of these toys seem to propel my orgasm FORWARD instead of blocking them at all.

Not only that, but after I had demoed it for a few minutes we threw it aside and started having P-in-V sex; we’re both still not sure what actually happened, but my vagina contracted and released and contracted as if it wanted to extract the orgasm from his cock all by itself. This situation was almost entirely involuntarily on my behalf. As if my vagina was turning into its own entity and cock juice was its main dietary source.

I got the juice. Pretty sure I got part of his brains too, since right after, as we were getting dressed, he put his shoes on the wrong feet (making it the best after-sex compliment I have ever gotten).

So, would I recommend the Lelo Sona Cruise?

Oh my god.

Fuck.

Shit.

Yyaasss.

BUT now I want to try ALL the sonic wave sex toys to see how the others compare. Personally, I’d like the spout/mouth part of be a little bit bigger to cover more surface area even though I am aware that the waves move around the whole space. I think it would help ease some of the intensity so it could grow into a MAJOR orgasm without cumming within 10 seconds (unless you like cumming in 10 seconds, so you can move on with your life. I like it to last a little bit longer than that just because there’s not much else I’d rather be doing.)

Also. Lube & toy cleaner are an absolute must with this.

Make sure the lube is water-based. Silicone on silicone has been known to be a bad idea, so why risk it?

They could still have this on sale at Lelo:

Or Take a risk and buy it off Amazon here:

READ THE UPDATED SONA CRUISE REVIEW 3 MONTHS LATER HERE

P.S.

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Masturbation Monday: 2 Balls One Hole, Ben Wa Balls Reviewed

strengthen your pelvic floor

Strengthen Your Pelvic Floor With Glass Balls

or

Give Your Pussy A Good Workout

Happy Masturbation Monday!

Side note before I begin this review. Curious if you ever watch a certain porn and while you’re aroused getting yourself off all the stuff that’s happening in the porn is super hot, but then right after the orgasm you’re still watching it and like WTF?! Why was that working for me?!

That just happened to me while I was attempting to test out my latest toy up for review. I won’t go into detail, but I will say it was some weird animated thing that involved a very large (as in going all the way out the mouth from the vagina) alien-like penis. Perhaps because it’s so disturbing and unrealistic it somehow works in the fantasy realm of the brain.

This is clearly something that I will have to come back to and investigate further.

For now, on to the review.

Today I decided to try out pipedream’s Fetish Fantasy Series Black Glass Ben-Wa Balls.

First of all, many of pipedream products are decently priced but the quality of the material is typically not great, so I’d advise if you’re buying an anal toy or vibrator to use a condom on them or to consider it a one-and-done situation and throw it away after.

Since what I’m sticking inside of me is made out of glass it shouldn’t carry the same risk.

The back of the box says: “with regular use, you’ll enjoy improved muscle control and stronger, more frequent orgasms.”

It also suggests to place them under warm water or in the freezer for a cool sensation.

Here’s My Monday Masturbation Review of Medium-Sized Glass Ben-Wa Balls:

I started by cleaning the two shiny black balls with toy cleaner. Sure, they’ve never been used to before but who knows what happens during packaging and shipping.

I put a dab of lube on, roll them around in my hands, then pop one in.

My pussy swallows it in one big gulp.

I stick in the second one.

I stand up.

I’m surprised to discover that they do not fall out immediately, particularly considering all the sex I have.

I twirl around.

I swivel my hips up and down.

They don’t budge. They don’t seem to move at all. According to the research I did, when you move your hips they’re supposed to create a sensation; perhaps the ones I have are too big for my tight pussy, who knows? Anyway, I don’t really feel much but I keep them in anyway for the strength training.

Then I have to pee.

Many women are freaked out by ben-wa balls without strings. Well, here’s the thing, as long as you don’t stick them up your ass they won’t get lost. (DO NOT STICK THESE UP YOUR ASS UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO TO THE ER.) If you’ve ever used a Diva Cup during your period the method of extraction is the same. You crouch then use your pelvic floor muscles to push them out.

The first one comes out with ease. The second one takes a little bit more work since it’s way further up there.

I clean them again. I decide to try one of the temperature methods. Since it’s hot as man-balls in the desert here in Denver I put them in a mug full of ice water for 10 minutes to chill.

It’s so fucking hot here that when I go to put them back in, it feels cold for all of about 3 seconds before my hellfire of a pussy pocket heats the glass back up. In other words, the ice play melted too fast to do anything, but I’m sure on other occasions, it’s way more fun (I know it’s fun with glass dildos so I’d recommend that if you’re looking for temperature play).

I’ve had them in now for about 4 hours. I used the Hitachi with them still in and I didn’t really notice much of a difference. Then again the Hitachi is loud and distracting and I was also watching that weird disturbing porn.

Since these ben-wa balls are supposed to be used regularly I cannot comment yet on the increase in orgasms or intensity. I will give an updated review in a couple of weeks after I wear them every day if I notice any sort of difference.

In the meantime, keep eating those carrots and peaches and pink tacos and stuff.

And I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves this evening, wink wink.

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Masturbation Monday: The Original Hitachi Magic Wand Reviewed

sex toy review

Like a Power Tool For Your Clit!

or

Yes, you too can orgasm in just minutes…

I worked at a sex toy store for a little over a year; during that time I tried, tested, had affairs with many different vibrators, dildos, anal plugs etc. because of this experience I have become quite snobby with regard to my sex toy desires. Yet, I’ve always avoided the Original Hitachi Magic Wand.

Why did I avoid the Hitachi Magic Wand?

Well, I had a series of concerns and quite frankly, fears.

It’s big.

It plugs into a wall outlet.

It’s loud!

But most of all, I heard rumors that once you went down the Hitachi road you’d never want to walk down any other road ever again.

And I love my We-Vibes and my Lelos and Fun Factories.

I didn’t WANT the Hitachi to be the end-all be-all of vibrators. I mean, could you imagine carrying this giant ass thing around in your purse or even in your sex bag?! (You do have a sex bag, right? I’ll discuss sex bags another time just in case you do not.)

Admittedly though, I like a good sex toy and this one had a good reputation (and has so for decades). So, I put it on my Amazon Wish List and was surprised to find it arrive at my door a couple of weeks later. It was meant to be! I was so excited. (You can watch me open the sex box and see all the other goodies I got too by going to this article.)

How did the Hitachi Magic Wand work out for me?

Oh, boy.

Well, the very first time I tried it, I put it on the lower speed and used it OVER my panties (which you can buy by contacting me directly) even on the lower speed and over my panties it was SUPER intense. Of course, I’m a go-getter winner that has to find out for herself what something feels like, so I turned it up on HIGH.

I’d like to blame it on allergies or even a hormone imbalance but no, it was blasting away at my clit so hard my eyes started watering. I was reflexively and unintentionally crying from whatever sort of pleasure/pain thing was happening to me. IT WAS AWESOME!

The rumors are true.

The we-vibes and the Lelos and the Fun Factories have their place, but the Hitachi Magic Wand is definitely something every person should own. EVERY PERSON! Why? Because you can also actually use it for its original intended purpose as the body massager. I put it against my head (because I am a strange bird) and it was lovely. It was like a brain massage, it was like I didn’t have to think about anything because my brain literally could not think while I held it there for like ten seconds.

Full disclosure, I have had someone attempt forced orgasms on me with the Hitachi Rechargeable Magic Wand, these orgasms are possible, but it’s not as easy and the toy is not nearly as powerful.

In fact, this is the one and only time that I will tell you to get the vibrator that plugs in. Sure, it’s a bit odd at first to know that your clit is just one shortage away from being zapped off by bad electrical wiring but you really are only risking it for about two minutes max.

That’s right. I can orgasm in under a minute with this thing. Earlier today I orgasmed in like 20 seconds and then I kept going to see if I could have any more– and I did! I’d count about 4 in under 5 minutes. The Hitachi Magic Wand is almost as good as eating magical candy and having a guy eat you out for an hour while you trip (not that I would ever ingest anything illegal but I’ve heard the stories).

Final thoughts on the Hitachi Magic Wand:

If you’re an experienced sex toy user (in the clitoral vibrator realm), aka you’ve tried all the rest, then I’d suggest you give the wand a whirl (or better yet, let it whirl you).

If you’re new to vibrators, I’d try some other less intense toys first and ease into this power-tool for your pussy a few years down the road.

(Feel free to email me if you’d like some suggestions RIGHT NOW or you can subscribe to the blog/ Instagram and stay tuned for my upcoming reviews on other vibrators I love).

(You can also always use it over your underwear or even a pillow. Also, you can put a condom over the head if you want an easier way to keep it clean and/or share it with others.)

P.S.

You can go here to buy the Magic Wand Massager with Shibari Variable Speed Controller for you or someone you love today:

Don’t forget the lube (you can always use more lube):

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Ghosts, Ghosting, Being Ghosted

when someone doesn't text you back

Ghosting. The art of not texting back.

Ghosting. The art of ignoring someone’s text forever, like ya dead.

Ghosting. Pretending to not exist so you feel no guilt about not liking someone and thus never texting them back.

Ghosting Part 1: Why People Ghost

Almost any single person who has a cell phone and has casually dated has ghosted or been ghosted. At this point, it’s as common as the one night stand itself.

Of course, there could be other reasons why the person isn’t texting you back.

Here are 5 potential (legit) reasons for texts not being returned.

  1.  Their phone is dead. (This can and does happen, but how long can a person without a phone in these modern times, one day, two… a week maybe?)
  2.  Their phone died and they lost all their contact information (ugh, have you heard of facebook stalking?!)
  3.  Someone stole their phone and sold it on eBay.
  4.  They decided to go on a silent retreat.
  5.  They traveled to the middle of nowhere and they have no cell phone reception.

Sure, sure, any of those events are plausible. But, if you text a person and they do not respond within a few days they are either ghosting you or you are in no way a priority in their busy busy lives.

9 Reasons Why a Person Would Ghost Another Person

  1. As the stupid fucking self-help dating book once said (a million times) perhaps they’re “just not into you.”
  2. They’re chicken-shit and don’t know how to say they’re not interested.
  3. They have no idea HOW to text.
  4. They saw the text, responded in their head, but forgot to do it in reality, and then they were embarrassed and decided to never talk to you again.
  5. They discovered you were actually a crazy person and thought it best to slowly back away and ignore.
  6. You’re just not very interesting and they don’t have time for you.
  7. They don’t have time for you even though you are very interesting.
  8. The person is an asshole.
  9. The person actually died.

All of these things can and do happen. But, what do you do when you’re on the (not) receiving end of a Ghost?

Ghosting Part 2: How to Overcome the Ghost

Sure, yes, it sucks to be into someone and for them to not give you the attention you want back in the time-frame you expect their attention to return to you. Yet, here is my advice to you (and to myself… because yeah, I have gone through this too).

Put your phone down.

Go do something else.

Quit fucking caring about getting validation from someone else.

I know it’s easier said than done.

Once you start doing it though, it gets WAY easier and you’ll feel better overall anyway separating from the technology that keeps you down. Binds you to the constant scroll, the constant need for other people to pay attention to you.

If someone doesn’t text you back, it’s on them, not you.

It doesn’t matter the reason. It could be valid or it could be stupid regardless it’s not a reflection of who YOU are, it’s a reflection of them.

If you desire more attention, if you want someone involved in your life and that Ghost wants to be dead to you, let them be dead.

Fuck them.

You don’t need to deal with the dead when being alive is hard enough as it is.

Ghosting: Bonus Part 3: A Better Way to Ghost

Finally, from my own personal experiences with ghosts and ghosting, I do my best to tell a person, “hey, I didn’t really feel a connection, but it was great meeting you. Good luck out there.” Then of course, if they continue to text me I will ghost. I will also accidentally ghost from time to time (see #4 and #8 and prob #6 or #7). I try not to beat myself up about it. I try to just carry on. As we all should.

RIP ghosts. RIP.

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Ducking. More Profane Than Fucking?

ducking fine

Duck Sex Is Fucked Up Sex

or

Why You Should Never Tell Anyone to Duck Off!

This morning I went for a run through City Park. It was a gorgeous morning, all the flowers were in bloom, the pollen count was very high, the birds were squawking extra loud, this dude was playing some strange instrument I had never seen before that looks sort of like a saxophone had sex with an industrialized accordion.

It was a great morning.

Then I sat down on my favorite bench at Duck Lake to watch the excitement that always takes place on goth bird island. That’s the little patch of land in the middle of the puddle they call a lake where all these blackbirds sit in these gnarly twisted trees and scream and fly and party all day. Duck Lake may be my favorite place in all of Denver. I am not recommending that you go there. Duck Lake is MY place and I enjoy my peace and loud off-key bird songs.

Anyway. Why I was there I started thinking about ducks. Then I started thinking about how most of our phones are always trying to change “Fuck” into “Duck” and how that’s ducking annoying.

After that, I started thinking about duck sex and how fucked up duck sex is and how when our phones change the word “fuck” to “duck our technology is actually doing something WAY more disturbing.

Check this out.

Male ducks have sex with a corkscrew penis. Not only that, but they are known to be one of the most rapey animals on this planet. They’re so rapey that female ducks have overtime created defense mechanisms like fake vaginas or trap doors or dead ends so that when they get raped they can be sure to NOT fertilize the eggs with the rape-ducks sperm. This leads to a 3% possibility that these rapey male ducks will reproduce with the female duck they just raped.

These females are pretty fucking badass. BUT, here’s some other fucked up things about male ducks. Some species of male ducks have barbs on their penises to “scrum away competing sperm.” Barbs? On the penis? Fuck that! No thanks. Pass. If I were a duck I’d be a lesbian duck for real.

Finally. One more fucked up thing about male ducks. According to the Buzzfeed article I just read on the matter:

“The more forced copulation a duck engages in, the longer the males’ penises tend to be, according to a 2010 study in Proceedings of the Royal Society B.
In fact, male ducks grow a new penis every year (yes, you read that right). Which means they can vary the length depending on that year’s competition.”

I am sitting over here feeling devastated. I thought it was bad the first time I heard about it, then as I researched it further it just got worse, it got way grosser.

So when someone tells you to “duck off” be extra careful; what they could mean is that they want you to get corkscrew-penis raped by a bird.

Your only reply will have to be, “enjoy my trap-door-pussy, duckdick!”

I don’t know.

This is the thing I have been thinking about all day.

Please do not go duck yourself.

But fuck yourself all day if that’s what you’re into.

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