Birthday Reflections: Getting Around

on aging

It is My Birthday.

I Am Still Here.

Today is my birthday and I am happy to be alive. I haven’t always been happy to be alive, particularly on my birthday.

In fact, the last two birthdays I was super depressed and dreaded the fact that my birthday existed at all. I did a lot of crying out of a sort of pain and emptiness.

But, I’ve been working on filling myself back up; today I cried for a moment too, not out of pain but because of all the beauty in this world.

As I reflect back on my 34 years on this planet I am in awe that I have made it this far.

And more than awe I am in a deep state of gratitude for all that I have and all that I’ve shared with so many amazing people on this planet.

I recently matched with this Dude-Bro-PUA(pick-up artist)-Troll on Tinder who ended up calling me all sorts of hateful names when I called him out on his behavior. One name he called me was “old,” which is funny on all sorts of levels. One, he was like 2 years younger than me. Two, I’m only 34. People live to like over a hundred these days. 34 is nothing in the grand scheme of what we experience as time.

Of course, because my birthday was coming up, that particular adjective stuck with me more than the others. There is truth in it too. There is a bit of pain in it as well. Yes, I am old. I am older than I was yesterday even. Yet, if I wasn’t this old I may not be as wise as my former self who would have probably hate-fucked that guy just to “teach him a lesson.”

Yeah, no, I am all of my former selves and also none of them.

I believe it was Sandra Cisneros who wrote in House of Mango Street (though I could be wrong because I couldn’t find it), “When you turn five you are also still four and three and two and one.”

Something like that.

I feel like we often don’t look at it that way. For example, I may be 34 but there could be times when the five-year-old me comes out or the 21 year old etc etc.

Because we are a collection of our experiences and yet we are also not. They shape us but they do not make us. We make ourselves. There is a core to us all, an essence if you will. A lot of our experiences shade that essence and then we try to hide the core of who we are to avoid pain. Yet, that avoidance is pain. The pain is still there. The hiding, the mask, causes more suffering than the pain. Better to just face the pain and return to the lightness of your being–if you will.

There is also pain in the realization that each moment we live we are one breath closer to death. Yet, this is only for people who subscribe to the linear version of time. All of those moments of my life and your life still exist somewhere in time. Death is just another unfolding of our experience on earth. The earth will continue on and so will the essence of who we are.

Maybe.

Who knows for certain.

In any event, my life so far has been filled with some of the most amazing people on this planet and if you’re reading this you are probably one of them, so thank you for being you. Even if I don’t like you, thank you because it’s just a reflection of something I don’t like about myself — and all I can do is grow from that discomfort.

So yeah, I’m old.

Fuck yes. It feels good to get old. To have all of this time to explore myself and the world around me. To have breakdowns and breakups; moments of pure joy and connectivity, moments of weakness, anger, fear, to feel a sense of peace, to know it will all work out even when it’s not working out, to feel a part of the universal unfolding and not separate from it or competing with it. Plus, to have all this gratitude and love and sex and good beer and everything and nothing.

Cheers to being old.

See my in my original outfit aka my Birthday Suit AND hear my Birthday Suit song when you become a patron on PatreonLowest tier is just $1. Don’t you want to give a girl a $1 for her birthday?!

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Imbolc: Drink a Milkshake & Celebrate Halfway to Spring!

imbolc wiccan

Witchy Ways: WTF is Imbolc?

A Quick Look at the Wiccan Celebration of Imbolc

Imbolc is here! One thing I do love about living in this world is the number of holidays that exist, particularly when you embrace them all instead of being uptight about just one being the “truth.”

You can get away with it too, at least with perfect strangers. They’re not going to know you’re not Jewish. Or you’re not Buddhist. Or you’re not a Satanist. So, why not throw a little party every time someone somewhere is celebrating something? Why leave yourself out? As Drake and Fiona Apple and the Buddha all say, “YOLO.”

I apologize for the yolo-ing. I know that’s so 2011. And if you’ve been yolo-ing since 2011 you’re probably dead by now. But we’ll skip that joke for now.

Anyway, today is a very special day, today marks the Gaelic traditional Wiccan festival of celebration Imbolc that runs from tonight through tomorrow (February 1-2). It’s a holiday that celebrates the midway point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.

According to The Celtic Connection:

“Imbolc means in the belly of the mother because that is where seeds are beginning to stir as it is Spring.”

Culturally, in Ireland (and the surrounding areas), this was (and is) a time of the lambing season where herd animals give birth or are on the way to giving birth to new offspring.  

Imbolc is a time to celebrate new beginnings. It’s like a mini spring cleaning before a spring cleaning– this can be with your physical objects or with the letting go of bullshit that no longer serves you.

What I find so interesting about these pagan/Wiccan holidays is the fact that our culture has basically stolen all of them and then rebranded them.

We all know this is true with regards to Christmas and Halloween etc. but I’m saying any holiday you can think of can be traced back to other origins that are not originally Christian in nature. I’m not saying it’s wrong for Christians to take their own spin on celebrating the seasons etc. but I will say that they aren’t nearly as good at it and their branding is mediocre in comparison to some of these other ones.

For example. Imbolc is also referred to as Brigit’s Day, Brigit [Brighid] being the Celtic Fire Goddess “patron of smithcraft, healing, midwifery, and poetry.

During Imbolc:

“Brighid’s snake emerges from the womb of the Earth Mother to test the weather.”

This is the origin of Groundhog’s Day.

No offense to the groundhogs but a snake emerging from the womb to test the weather is WAY more badass. Like, can you picture Snake Womb’s Day–the movie? I can only imagine what kind of action-packed sex-fueled weird creepy shit would happen in that. (Starry a red-headed Irish witch, please and thank you.)

Another amazing thing about Imbolc is that one of the main ways you celebrate is by eating food, specifically all the dairy products. The dairy is supposed to symbolize fertility and abundance. So someone bring me an ice cream cake already. Or at least a grilled cheese.

Anyhoo. I’m actually pretty new to all of this stuff, but I feel like I should celebrate anyway since I discovered it. And this is America where you can celebrate everyone else’s holidays as an excuse to celebrate celebrating.

And to be honest I lean way closer in ideology to that which is more connected to nature and our connection to nature, so the discovery of Imbolc pleases me.

I have already started by rearranging my bedroom and going through stuff I no longer need or want. And this morning I went and got a pumpernickel everything bagel* with cream cheese (seeds, bread, dairy, for the win). Later I will light some candles and maybe take a milk and honey bath.

I know it probably doesn’t feel anywhere close to being spring if you’re currently dealing with the polar vortex over yonder across this beautiful country of ours. But, my friends, we’re halfway there–just hold on to your ridiculous amount of layers for a little bit longer. Soon we’ll be where the flowers are abloom and the milk runneth over and the birds are singing sweet sweet tunes from the green green trees.

Now let’s lick some cream to celebrate that!

Discover Fifty Shades Darker

*I have a random story regarding a person that works at the bagel shop + golden showers that I have posted on Patreon for Freaky Fan Friday. 

It’s only a dollar to join at this level and I try to do a Freaky Fan Friday video every week (I miss one occasionally). Anyway, it’s a nice way to show your support of this blog so I can keep writing this blog not have to go work at the bagel shop with pee boy.

You can also show your support by buying me something to review off of my Amazon Gift List. It is my birthday month after all (Feb 16). I’ve added some new lingerie as I’m doing Valentine’s Day colors for Patreon exclusives each week.

I also don’t mind words of encouragement if that’s something you’re into and would rather spend your money on yourself, I understand that.

This would be a nice gift to buy one’s self for a little self-love during this love and fertility season. It vibrates! I’m sure we’re all wondering the same thing here. . . I mean I have one that doesn’t vibrate and it’s already pretty orgasmic when I roll my back out.

I’ve added the link to it on Amazon here; shopping–it’s how we do holidays best. Happy Imbolc. Happy Love month.

Tits Out Tuesday: The Problem With Casual Sex

the problem with casual sex

Fuck Who You Wanna Fuck

or

Be Who You Wanna Be

I follow a bunch of random pages on Instagram. It pretty much runs the spectrum from hedonism to cute puppies all the way to new-age spirituality bullshit and of course, alien conspiracies. The other day I saw several posts come up into my feed that all centered around the same concept– that casual sex is an energy suck.

Most of the posts read something like this:

“Everyone is too busy just having sex for pleasure with no connection. They’re going to lose their chance to find someone real because of their sexual desires (demons) …”

The concept stems from the idea that when you give a part of yourself to someone who has no intention of returning anything you give–you are transferring your energy into emptiness and soon you will also be empty inside.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this idea.

I think for the most part this idea is bullshit.

Is there an actual problem with casual sex?

Yes.

The problem is people who have a problem with it.

If you have a problem with it, then it’s not for you and that’s okay. But, if it’s not your thing that doesn’t mean it’s not for other people. And the only way you lose your energy is by choosing to give it to someone else.

Is it possible to continue creating connections with people AND also participate in casual sex? Perhaps it’s only for people who are capable of separating the meanings of experiences. Not every sexual encounter is about intimacy or spiritual bonding. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying pleasure for pleasure’s sake. If people are going around ONLY seeking pleasure ALL of the time, perhaps they’re all empty on the inside. Or maybe pleasure is just easier for them? Maybe they haven’t gotten to the point where they’re ready for a deeper, closer intimacy. Is that wrong?

It seems like it should come down to communication. If you’re looking for a connection that’s more than just pleasure, discuss it. Perhaps don’t fuck someone who’s only about the physical act of sex.

When you’re on the same page, it shouldn’t be an energy suck or cause for concern.

One form of sex is not necessarily more real than any other. Of course, when you’re into each other it can definitely make the sex better, but it also depends on your definition of better. So, what I’m getting at here is that I disagree with this new-agey bullshit that says casual sex is bad for the world. I believe that everyone should experience more pleasure and within that pleasure, we will all have better experiences here on earth. Perhaps I’m wrong. I’m okay with being wrong. But perhaps shedding the guilt around sexuality would be more beneficial to our planet than continuing to make people feel bad for the choices they’re going to make.

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Addiction and Personal Growth, Bullshit?

addiction

Maybe It’s Okay to Not Be Better?

or

Words of Wisdom From a Professional Drinker

Yes. I am addicted to shit. Not literal shit, but a bunch of stuff people become addicted to, alcohol mostly. Though, not in an alcoholic way quite yet, more in a binge-drinking sort of way.

I’ve been drinking since a young age. First to numb the pain of growing up in a culture that thought I was too weird, too stupid, too woman to do anything with myself. Second to numb the pain of trauma. Third to numb the pain of being around other people while maintaining a sense of self (aka being able to talk to other people). Fourth to feed my depression because it gets really hungry and loves booze. 5th because beer tastes good.

Blah blah. I could keep going with a ton of reasons, but who cares.

I have drank  (drunk?) A LOT.

And I don’t even feel bad about it.

I only want to admit that I do it. Perhaps because I haven’t hit rock bottom. Or maybe that time I drank and got raped was rock-bottom and I just can’t get myself to admit that the drinking was the problem not the rapist… wait. That sentence is wrong. It was for sure the rapist’s fault that he raped.

But anyhoo, back to me, enough about that loser.

I love to drink. Drinking loves me. But perhaps we’re not in the healthiest of relationships? Perhaps we’re a little too dependent upon one another?

I’ve been in Florida for just a few days and my desire to drink has shockingly subsided. Sure, I had 4 beers over like 7 hours earlier today while at the beach, but I could have lived with or without and been fine. I didn’t continue to drink after I woke up from a nap, which I would normally do. So, progress not perfection right?

That’s the other thing though. I’m really getting tired of personal growth bullshit. Can we all just admit that we’re not good at certain things? That we are in fact BAD at certain things? Why do we have to feel this constant need to IMPROVE? I’m not advocating stagnation. I believe we should move more like water in a river than water in a puddle. Yet, if you’ve ever watched a river it does have times where it just chills. It’s okay to fucking chill.

“Transformation”…”Personal Growth”… “Mindfulness”… In the U.S. these concepts are part of an industry… this industry is rooted in capitalism. Trying to improve your spirit is just as much about making money as trying to make yourself prettier. You are already pretty. You already have spirit.

Feeling guilt or shame because you’re not namaste enough will not make you more namaste it will just make you feel guilt and shame.

Do we need any more of that?

I think not.

How does addiction and personal growth interconnect?

Well. How many people feel guilt and shame about whatever the fuck is wrong with them?

Everyone.

Why not just embrace that there is shit wrong with you? Be a fucking chill ass river for a day or month or year or whatever. Maybe stop worrying about BEING BETTER and just be whatever the fuck you are?

It’s at least more liberating for me so far. And my addictions have stopped being so addicting, so perhaps there’s something to “not growing” after all?

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Lelo