I mean I did. But then he seeped back into my life.
That’s right, seeped.
I thought I was in love with him. Turns out he was a master manipulator, a pathological liar, and of course, a narcissist (they always seem to go together don’t they?). I’m not going to go into more detail quite yet but needless to say, he was seeing multiple women on a regular basis and banging everything else that moved in front of him–without a condom.
Usually I am adamant about condom use.
I am not perfect.
Of course, I was upset that he fucked with my mind, my emotions, my spirit, but I was really pissed off that he compromised my sexual health.
It’s been two weeks, which is the amount of time it takes for the most common STIs to form in the body. At Planned Parenthood today I peed into a cup to test for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis, this takes a week to get back the results. So here we wait. The other sexually transmitted diseases like syphilis as an example, take around three months to form in the body, so we wait some more.
I also had an HIV finger-poke blood test. I am, thankfully, HIV negative.
Finally, I received a vaginal swab exam. That is when they stick the metal duck bills inside you then take a giant q-tip and swirl it around after which they then analysis under the microscope. They’ve started warming up the metal duck bills and I’ll tell you right now, I prefer them cold. That was a bizarre sensation.
So, what did the doctor find when she looked under the microscope?
I bet a few of you smart cookies can guess.
That’s right. BV. Bacterial Vaginosis. An overgrowth of bacteria found in the vagina. Basically, my pH balance is off. This can occur really easily in women. It can occur even easier if the woman has multiple partners. Or in my circumstance, if the man she’s sleeping with has multiple partners and doesn’t wash his dirty dick. (If you stick your penis into one vagina and then hours later stick it in another, you’re going to transfer some unwanted stuff around. Science.)
So, my male readers, I behoove you, I beg you, if you’re going to be a slut, be an ethical one and take a fucking shower between your conquests. (Please, also, don’t refer to them as conquests). Also, we should all wear condoms, but since I am not the poster-child for this and have failed at doing the one thing I preach, I am writing it more for myself than for you, my reader.
This is not the sexiest of sex topics, but sexual health is vital for one’s physical and mental and spiritual well-being. I would have preferred to not talk about this at all, but I also believe in transparency and this is my current state of being.
I made a mistake by having unprotected sex with someone I trusted (that I should not have trusted) and that’s on me.
I got out of it pretty lucky, to be honest. This will go away in a week and isn’t even an STI, just an annoying imbalance.
The nurse practitioner said something along the lines of “we’ll get rid of that bad bacteria once and for all.” For a second I thought she was talking about the guy and I guess in a way she was.
He will no longer be seeping back into my life that’s for sure.
Sometimes the lessons we learn are hard. Or come from a hard place. Either way, starting with a clean slate, 7 days of antibiotics and no drinking. I’ll be so fresh, like basically a virgin again. Sometimes better things come to those who wait.
“Nipple play. Some people love it, others get nothing from it, why?”
Here’s the deal, if you think of the human body as a macrocosm for pleasure and pain then the nipple would be like a microcosm. Or the tit is like one piece of the puzzle on the body that inhabits this planet.
That being said, every tit is different and even then tit sensitivity can fluctuate day to day depending on hormone levels, etc. Also, the size and structure of the breast can play a big part.
According to my research, those with smaller size breasts commonly have more sensitivity than those with large breasts. I do not know how true this is, as someone with medium sized-breasts mine are pretty sensitive so if someones are MORE sensitive than mine, good goddess I send my kindest regards and good luck getting through a regular day.
Anyhoo. For all of these reasons (and I’m sure more), this is why some people love nipple play, other people feel nothing with regards to nipple play, and others can find it excruciating.
So, what is one to do when they stumble upon some new nipples in real life? Nipples attached to a human body, a body with a functioning brain; a brain that somehow is capable of connecting feeling to the physical?
I’d suggest good ole regular communication along with practicing the art of easing in.
There are many things one can do while playing with nipples. Here are some examples:
This list goes on and on for those with imaginations etc.
How should one approach nipple play?
Talk to your partner. Go slowly.
As you nibble, ask “Is this good. Is this enough? Too much? Want more.”
It’s all about discovering each other’s bodies. Sure, it might seem like a passionate move to go in and chomp on a titty but I’m telling you right now most people aren’t going to like that… at least not straight away. That’s why there’s the easing-in stuff. Sort of like how you’d approach spanking someone. You wouldn’t immediately start slapping their ass as hard as you can, you’d give it some light tapping and then gauge the reaction as you increase the intensity. It’s the same.
Whatever you do with your nipples or someone else’s I hope you have fun!
Comment below on your favorite things to do with nipples OR confess to your own nipple sensitivity levels, mine is HIGH!
I wanted to take a step back today because I realized that I’ve been writing Masturbation Monday articles for several months now but have never really gone into detail about my typical masturbation process.
I guess because I didn’t find it very fascinating. It is indeed like pretty much everyone else’s.
Here’s what happens on Masturbation Monday and pretty much every other day and night of the week.
Usually, I bring up Pornhub on an incognito window and fire up a vibrator. Lately, I’ve been using either the Lelo Sona, the We-vibe Tango, or my Hitachi. My clit has gotten used to this high-vibes and can now withstand them longer than a minute so I now have to get my brain involved in the masturbation process.
This is where the porn comes in.
I know many women like to use their own imaginations or read erotica or watch softcore porn, but not me. Oh, no. This is where some may say I veer off the feminist path. Not just slightly either, it’s like a full 180 turn and I have no shame about it whatsoever.
I’ve had so many people say to me that their favorite kind of porn is the amateur porn and I’ll tell you right now that I don’t hate it, there’s a time and a place for it for sure, but it’s not my go-to.
What I like to do is to scroll through the main page and find the weirdest thing I can. Sometimes it’s pretty basic stuff like threesomes or step-mom-fucks-son-while-husband-is-away type films, but sometimes it gets pretty funky like hentai tentacle cat women breastfeeding a giant zebra donkey alien. So I click on it and then I continue to click on weirder and weirder titles until I find the weirdest ones I can find.
Of course, I feel like I’m kind of an amateur at this sort of porn-holing but I’m working on it. I’m getting better. I’m going down stranger and more bizarre holes. They say this is how addiction starts. They say that this is how people begin to separate themselves from other people and start to look at the people they’re fucking as objects instead of people. I don’t know. I mostly fuck vibrators, which are already objects, so not sure how that matters.
Anyhoo. Here’s video where I go into more detail on the porn I’m into.
Leave comments below on the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen or category/stars for me to check out!
A Review of Lovehoney’s Bumper Booty Bundle Anal Sex Toy Kit
Enjoy The Final Days of Anal August
When I decided to make Anal August my theme this month I didn’t realize how, well, anal, people would be about it. It was much more difficult to find someone who wanted to explore the back door than I thought it would be. Perhaps it didn’t help that I was going through a break-up and anal play isn’t great with regards to fight fucking and/or crying into your pillow alone.
Finally, just in the nick of time, I was able to try almost everything in the kit out–solo and with a partner.
Anal is weird. Like, I’ve made it a personal rule to only have anal sex with boyfriends. I think I’ve done this because I’m so easy everywhere else and it’s nice to create a boundary where the other person can feel a bit more special. (Plus, anal is a lot of work.)
Of course, sticking toys up the bum is different than a dick. For one, they’re typically smaller– at least with the dicks I meet.
So here’s what I thought about my most recent exploration of butt toys.
Two different sized butt plugs, anal beads, a prostate toy, an anal douche, and a bullet vibe.
If you’re new to anal then I would definitely recommend this kit.
For one it’s at a very affordable price for all that you’re getting and it gives you quite a variety for your explorative ways.
Let’s start with the anal douche as that is where one should start if they’re getting this kit.
I want to be upfront here. I had never used an anal douche before this one. Before I get into my commentary I’ll tell you right now that I failed at using it properly. This was definitely user error and not the product itself.
The whole point of an anal douche is so you can rinse out your butt and feel cleaner, but you don’t NEED to douche your anal hole if you eat enough fiber, poop regularly, and avoid scarfing down a bunch of Taco Bell right before you stick something up there. Yes, you might get a bit of shit on the toy but it’s not like it will be drenched in it or anything.
I followed the directions.
I filled the douche up with tepid clean water.
I put lube on the toy and my butt hole.
I squatted over the bathtub then stuck it in.
This is where I got umm stuck…. I squeezed the balloon thing and no water would come out.
I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t strong enough. I started to get freaked out because only air was coming out and I remember reading about women who have died from having air blown up their vaginas (which I looked up can actually happen but is incredibly rare) and thought that maybe the same thing could happen in the butt hole. Was I high and a bit paranoid, I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, I squeezed it. The water didn’t want to come out, so I gave up. I will try this again of course, but that was my first experience with it.
After my failed anal douching attempt I headed back to the bedroom and explored the toys.
They’re all made from high-quality silicone. I’m a pretty snobby bitch when it comes to the material of sex toys, so “high quality” is tolerable though I’d prefer medical-grade. You can tell if something is made from actual quality silicone by the smell. If it smells like chemicals and plastic then it is made from chemicals and plastic no matter what the description says on the label (yes, some companies lie, imagine that). Anyhoo, these toys don’t have that weird smell (they MIGHT have a weird smell AFTER being in your butt, but that’s an entirely different situation there.)
I pulled the bullet vibe out of the anal beads (which takes some muscle and maneuvering so don’t get discouraged about that it just means the bullet will stay put when it’s in the toy) and I put a triple-A battery inside it. It’s actually nice that this bullet takes a triple-A battery because a lot of the cheaper bullets use watch batteries which not only suck to deal with but also don’t last very long. The bullet was pretty powerful too, though some of the settings were way better than others.
With regards to bullet vibes, I’d recommend people invest in the We-Vibe Tango. It’s compatible with any toy that has a bullet hole in the base (like all of these bumper booty toys), it’s rechargeable, made from medical-grade material AND the best part–it’s super duper powerful. (You can check out the We-Vibe Tango for yourself here.)
Next, I stuck the bullet vibe that came with the kit into the larger-sized butt plug. I decided to skip using the smaller butt plug because I am not a beginner. If you are a beginner and have stuck no thing up your butt ever than the smaller butt plug is a good place to start. It doesn’t have a hole for the vibe because it too small to handle it.
Here’s what’s so interesting about anal sex to me. It takes a type of mindfulness to execute properly. Entry into the butt requires lube and relaxation. I used the Wicked Sensual Water-Based Anal Lube (which you can buy here) took a deep breath and slowly pushed the plug in.
The initial entry is where there is always the most struggle and pain. (If there’s A LOT of pain I’d suggest stopping and applying more lube or stopping altogether.) Once it’s inside though it’s smooth sailing. The vibe was strong enough I could definitely feel it. I needed more than just butt stimulation for an orgasm though, so I added on my Lelo Sona Cruise (read my full review here or explore the Sona for yourself here).
Side note. I watched porn while using these toys. It was some Australian thing with two women and two men. One of the women was like mega-porn looking (fake tits, fake lips, too much makeup) the other one claimed to be 18 when she was at least 28 while the dude who was fucking her claimed to be 53 when he was at least 65. The whole thing weirded me out. Like, I get this is supposed to be a fantasy, but this was more of a fantasy between the four of them than for the audience.
Finally. The following day, my manfriend came over and stuck the anal beads in my ass.
I replaced the original bullet with the We-Vibe Tango and could feel a bit more power in this toy because of that. This was my first time using anal beads. They went in fine. We fucked doggie-style and as he would thrust it would move the toy slightly back and forth which was a pleasurable feeling. We were not able to pull them out during my orgasm because he came first. Jerk.
I will have to try them again though because I really want to know if that heightens the orgasm or not. I have a feeling that it would work better on men than women because of the whole prostate thing.
Speaking of prostate thing, I do not have one so I did not play with that toy. Yes, I could have stuck it up some dude’s butt, but as I said at the beginning of this rather lengthy review no one would agree to it. It looks like it could be fun, particularly for people who are just starting out in their prostate exploration as it is not too large and has a good curve to it.
Anyway. Hope you all had a happy Anal August. If you want to buy the Lovehoney Bumper Booty Sex Toy Kit for yourself (or any other sex stuff) follow this link.
Use promo code HONEYX10 to get 10% off EVERYTHING while you’re there!
As I’m sure you’re quite aware, it’s fucking hot outside. At least here in Denver where the temperature has been in the steady high 90s for days now. Not only is it hot outside, it’s also hot inside for me anyway; we live in a house that has no AC. I currently have two fans blowing on me and I’m still so warm my brain is barely working. Of course, I am blaming the heat on my brain failure when the real reason my brain isn’t working is that I went too hard over the weekend with the drinking etc. Such is life.
Anyway, on to some sex stuff.
If you’re looking for ways to have sexy fun time but also keep your cool, I suggest embarking on some temperature play.
From toys to lube to towels, there are all sorts of things you can do for temperature play, whether you’re looking to heat it up or cool it down.
Since it’s 95 degrees here and everything is fire, here are 3 ways to cool it down in the bedroom with just an ice cube.
1.Ice, Ice Body
Take an ice cube and use it to outline your lover’s body. Pay careful attention to the erogenous zones like the nape of the neck, the nipples, the inside of the wrists, the back of the knee. Try blowing on the ice spots to create new types of sensations on the skin.
2. Cold As Ice Mouth Play
Put the ice cube in your mouth then kiss, suck, lick etc wherever you want on the body; move to the main event — the genitals — take it extra slow to create tension, chills, extremes in hot and cold.
3. The Thin Ice Shuffle
Move the ice cube from the mouth and slowly outline the vulva, insert it gently into the pussy or twirl it around the tip of the penis, move it down the shaft, circle to balls. Make each other gasp, cry out, shake.
Stay Crazy, Sexy, Cool my people.
Comment on your favorite temperature play moves below!
A little back-story about this woo lube, I had never heard of it until about two weeks ago when a friend not only told me about it, not only RAVED about it, but contacted the reps for the company directly in order to hook me up with a sample.
The people from The Skinny Confidential responded right away. They were super enthusiastic about this product and thus, I was super enthusiastic about trying it.
Several days later I opened my mailbox to discover the box.
Okay, to be fair, it was 2 a.m. on a Saturday, a dude was over and I remembered that it was highly probable that this new lube had arrived. So, I ran down the stairs and found it waiting patiently in my mailbox (but that’s basically the same thing).
I drunkenly and excitedly opened the box to find two whole bottles (Enter My Give-Away for the other bottle on my Instagram page by 7/2/18). I read the label, which says things like:
Organic. Raw. Non-GMO.
100% Natural Ingredients.
Then followed the directions.
(But we’re not deep frying plantains here.)
Of course, there was a moment when I thought:
“But… what if we did fry plantains with this stuff? I beat they’d be delicious.”
Then I realized the guy was still in my bed so I squeezed a dollop in my hand then applied it liberally (not conservatively) to his penis.
Have I ever mentioned that I’m terrible at hand-jobs?
It’s like that Garfunkel and Oats song that goes something like,
“Hand-jobs blam-jobs I don’t understand jobs!”
I just never really got into them. I never practiced them enough. But with this Woo lube I was at least slightly above mediocre, which made me feel like I could go into that line of work, if I ever got desperate enough (which I won’t because I also have carpal tunnel syndrome and have to save my wrists for writing and my own masturbation stuff).
In any event, I’m sure if a dude used it on his own penis it would be magnificent. It was pretty spectacular regardless of my just-okay skill-set.
The lube itself is quite smooth and had an amazing smell. It’s made from 4 ingredients: coconut oil, stevia, beeswax, and vanilla.
Yes, I tasted it too and I could definitely swallow it. (Way better tasting than a lot of other lubes.)
The guy and I were not going to have sex because we were both super tired, but the lube-enhanced hand-job changed both of our minds.
The one major downer of this lube is that it is not compatible with latex condoms. I repeat… DO NOT USE THIS LUBE WITH LATEX CONDOMS. I mean, you CAN use it with the condoms, but the condoms won’t do what the condoms are designed to do and what’s the point of a condom if it’s going to get a hole in it and knock you up or give you an STI?!
So, yeah. We fucked without condoms. We had “The talk,” you all. It’s okay. (He doesn’t care about what I call him, so his label/not-label will probably change any time he cums back into one of these stories).
Back to the lube and the sex stuff.
We had a good time. Granted, we always have a good time so I’m not sure exactly how much of that goodness had to do with the lube, but it didn’t hurt. It might have helped. My period was moments away from starting so I was more sensitive than usual. The lube made it feel like he was almost about to touch my belly button from the inside, but I didn’t mind.
Half-way through our escapade, I brought out my new Lelo Sona Cruise to see how it worked with the Woo. I had asked them specifically if it was compatible with medical-grade silicone and they told me that they had not experienced any issues. (I’ll keep a lookout and let you know if this changes; I’ve heard rumors but have never seen it for myself). Anyway, again, when I added lube to the Sona it made some really fascinating sounds, but it’s not the EASIEST toy to use with another person. I’d use like the We-Vibe or the Lelo Tiana 2 instead.
Of course, I’ve only had a one-night stand with this Woo Lube thus far, having not used it yesterday because I was not having any sex with others or myself (sad, yes I know). But, I’m looking forward to trying it out over and over again in the future.
(Turn up the volume on this one, too lazy to re-do it)
According to the Internet, June 22 is No Panties Day. It’s basically a made-up holiday to help dudes collect more images for their spank-bank collection.
That’s fine with me. Spank away. I believe we all should enjoy a more pleasurable time while on this Earth.
Speaking of being on this Earth. Last night I mentioned something to my housemate
about how I couldn’t wait until the moment when I met people in Denver who had stumbled upon my blog/ YouTube Channel and came up to chat with me in person.
Then it happened.
Of course, one of those people was a previous neighbor of mine, who thoughtfully came over and shoveled our sidewalks one dreadful winter snow storm morning. But the other person I had never met. So I’m counting it.
Anyway. She is an amazing human being and the two of them asked me to make a Freaky Fuck Friday post even though I was planning to make a Friday Feels post about nu Denver and some bullshit I stumbled upon recently — but I’ll save it. You’re welcome.
Today I’m exploring Freaking Fuck Friday and more importantly this made-up holiday No Panties Day. I looked up why this holiday exists, but honestly, there are not great reasons and it’s better just to embrace it–particularly when you’re not into wearing clothes of any kind most of the time anyway.
Here Are 11 Different Ways to Celebrate No Panties Day on Freaky Fuck Friday:
Choose to not wear panties (or undies or boxer briefs or whatever). I understand this is obvious, but more difficult for some than others.
Wear a skirt or a dress or shirt-cock (that’s when you only wear a shirt but are naked from the waist down).
Stand over one of those air vents Marilyn Monroe style. Enjoy the breeze.
Masturbate. At home or work or wherever.
Get Freaky! Tell a partner of your choice that you’d like their hand to slowly and methodically make its way up to your superfunparts. (And allow yourself to get off if they’re you know, trying to help you get off.)
Accept oral offerings.
Shove your panties in someone else’s mouth and use them as a gag.
Throw your panties out of a moving car window.
Sell your panties on the internet (you can buy mine anytime by sending me an email through contact section.)
Sexy dance with your ass hanging out in private (or public if you can get away with it).
Burn all your panties and start the summer off panty-free. Because fuck panties.
Is this really Freaky Fuck Friday material? I don’t know. Comment below on your favorite commando story and happy made-up holiday. I’ll be going without panties all day to show my support (thanks to squats my ass holds up).
I worked at a sex toy store for a little over a year; during that time I tried, tested, had affairs with many different vibrators, dildos, anal plugs etc. because of this experience I have become quite snobby with regard to my sex toy desires. Yet, I’ve always avoided the Original Hitachi Magic Wand.
Why did I avoid the Hitachi Magic Wand?
Well, I had a series of concerns and quite frankly, fears.
It plugs into a wall outlet.
But most of all, I heard rumors that once you went down the Hitachi road you’d never want to walk down any other road ever again.
And I love my We-Vibes and my Lelos and Fun Factories.
I didn’t WANT the Hitachi to be the end-all be-all of vibrators. I mean, could you imagine carrying this giant ass thing around in your purse or even in your sex bag?! (You do have a sex bag, right? I’ll discuss sex bags another time just in case you do not.)
Admittedly though, I like a good sex toy and this one had a good reputation (and has so for decades). So, I put it on my Amazon Wish List and was surprised to find it arrive at my door a couple of weeks later. It was meant to be! I was so excited. (You can watch me open the sex box and see all the other goodies I got too by going to this article.)
How did the Hitachi Magic Wand work out for me?
Well, the very first time I tried it, I put it on the lower speed and used it OVER my panties (which you can buy by contacting me directly) even on the lower speed and over my panties it was SUPER intense. Of course, I’m a go-getter winner that has to find out for herself what something feels like, so I turned it up on HIGH.
I’d like to blame it on allergies or even a hormone imbalance but no, it was blasting away at my clit so hard my eyes started watering. I was reflexively and unintentionally crying from whatever sort of pleasure/pain thing was happening to me. IT WAS AWESOME!
The rumors are true.
The we-vibes and the Lelos and the Fun Factories have their place, but the Hitachi Magic Wand is definitely something every person should own. EVERY PERSON! Why? Because you can also actually use it for its original intended purpose as the body massager. I put it against my head (because I am a strange bird) and it was lovely. It was like a brain massage, it was like I didn’t have to think about anything because my brain literally could not think while I held it there for like ten seconds.
Full disclosure, I have had someone attempt forced orgasms on me with the Hitachi Rechargeable Magic Wand, these orgasms are possible, but it’s not as easy and the toy is not nearly as powerful.
In fact, this is the one and only time that I will tell you to get the vibrator that plugs in. Sure, it’s a bit odd at first to know that your clit is just one shortage away from being zapped off by bad electrical wiring but you really are only risking it for about two minutes max.
That’s right. I can orgasm in under a minute with this thing. Earlier today I orgasmed in like 20 seconds and then I kept going to see if I could have any more– and I did! I’d count about 4 in under 5 minutes. The Hitachi Magic Wand is almost as good as eating magical candy and having a guy eat you out for an hour while you trip (not that I would ever ingest anything illegal but I’ve heard the stories).
Final thoughts on the Hitachi Magic Wand:
If you’re an experienced sex toy user (in the clitoral vibrator realm), aka you’ve tried all the rest, then I’d suggest you give the wand a whirl (or better yet, let it whirl you).
If you’re new to vibrators, I’d try some other less intense toys first and ease into this power-tool for your pussy a few years down the road.
(Feel free to email me if you’d like some suggestions RIGHT NOW or you can subscribe to the blog/ Instagram and stay tuned for my upcoming reviews on other vibrators I love).
(You can also always use it over your underwear or even a pillow. Also, you can put a condom over the head if you want an easier way to keep it clean and/or share it with others.)
Last Friday I received a large box in the mail. I was not home when this large box arrived, but when I walked through the door I knew it must be my sex toy surprise from an anonymous friend. I couldn’t open it right away because my friends were waiting for me at the bar down the street, so I took it upstairs where it sat for hours unopened; yet while at the bar I was thinking of it the whole time. Since I live only two blocks from the drinking establish we were all at, I slipped out unseen to open said box as I could not longer contain my anticipation and excitement.
Here is the video of the unboxing. I know it’s long but I promise there are at least five pervy inappropriate jokes within this box (along with several dicks in this big dry box, which of course I make opinions about).
This video is long, but not as long as your dick, right?
Didn’t watch the video because it was long and intimidating unlike your dick, huh?
Here’s a pic:
Included in said big dry box:
The Hitachi Magic Wand
And a 7.5 inch Dildo with suction-cup & vibrator attachments
This guy knows how to send a party to my door!
I’m beyond grateful. And I will be reviewing each of these items separately in the upcoming weeks. I will say I could not wait to try to Hitachi, I’ll give full review soon but it was SO intense it made my eyes water the first time I tried it. Talk about a power tool for the pussy.
Want to be as amazing as the person who sent me such a pleasurable big box full of dicks? Well, you can! Check out my Amazon Wishlist and go ahead– make my day. (Could really use some new patio furniture. You might not think that’s very sexy but I will tell you right now I’d cum all over at the sight of it on my porch.)
Get yourself or someone you’re into all the stuff from my box with these links:
Would You Ever Want to Switch Bodies With Another Person?
What Would You Do In Someone Else’s Body?
Earlier today a guy reached out on Instagram to tell me that he has enjoyed reading my blog, which of course I was flattered by the thoughtful comment. I checked out HIS Instagram and it’s by far one of the best pages I have ever seen. I’d suggest giving his weird napkin ball page a follow if you dare, as it’s quite a treat. While you’re at it feel free to follow mine too, and you’re welcome to DM me if you have something interesting to say.).
Anyway, since I was hungover as shit I asked him to give me today’s blog topic. He asked me if I have ever thought about what the sexual experience feels like (sensation/sensitivity etc) for the opposite sex.
Of course, the answer is a resounding YES. I think about that shit ALL the time.
Now, to be clear, I’m not a fan of Freud and I do not believe in the whole penis-envy bullshit, but I have definitely been curious to know what it must be like to walk around with a long thingy and two squishy hairy ball thingys hanging between my legs (I’ve also wondered what it would be like to be giraffe or a tree or a poodle–eat the mushrooms and you will too!).
I’ve thought about it SO much that I often ask my male friends if they’d ever Freaky Friday with me.
That’s exactly and not exactly what it sounds like.
In my Freaky Friday the guy and I would switch bodies, just like it happens in the movie of the same name. Except my Freaky Friday would play out more like a porn than a Disney film.
I have the whole day planned out too.
First I’d hire a prostitute. Wait, no, FIRST I would pee standing up and THEN I’d hire a prostitute. I’d pay the prostitute a huge sum of money (because now I am a man and just magically have lots of money for some reason) and the prostitute and I would spend a few hours having all the different kinds of sex, oral sex, penis-in-vagina sex, anal sex. I’d even have this very fine, intelligent, hard-working woman peg me, because WHY NOT? I now have a prostate and I’ve heard that massaging the prostate dramatically improves the sensation of an orgasm.
Then I’d go out to a bar and hit on a woman just to feel what it feels like to be rejected once in my life (hahaha you can discover how much that is not true with my blog on rejection located here). But, seriously, I’d go and try to talk to women to see what it’s like from the other side of things.
Maybe because during Freaky Friday I’m a woman in a man’s body, but still have a woman’s brain I’d luck out and one of the women would be interested in me in a sexual way. (Though since I am woman who also has sex with women, I can’t say it’s worked very well for me thus far).
I’d do that helicopter penis dance.
I’d write my name in the snow or the sand or the dirt or whatever happens to be outside that I can pee on.
I’d pee in an alley.
I’d pee off a mountain.
I’d pee out of a window.
(I’d also drink a lot so I could pee some more).
I’d take a pic of my dick and then send it to someone who politely requested to see it.
I’d go to a gay bar. I’d try to hit on men. I’m not quite sure what time of the day it is at this point, but I’d still want to have all of the different kinds of gay sex a guy can have. Why not?!
At some point, I’m sure I’d masturbate too.
Am I missing anything?!?!
Anything I forgot to do while I had this Freaky Friday dick?
I have NO idea what the sensation/sensitivities are for men. I assume all dicks are different in that regard. I also assume that our pleasures are similar though different. We wouldn’t all be rubbing up on each other so much if we weren’t getting that mind-blowing, toe-curling, internal fireworks show moment we all call an orgasm (of course, I will not go into the number of times I haven’t had an orgasm by fucking a dude with a penis because I’m not writing a novel here).
So… if anyone is interested in this experiment let me know. We can, I don’t know, find some magic spell and make it happen.