What Was This Ghost Guy Thinking?

dude no

Ran Into a Ghost Last Night

Guess That Makes Him a Zombie?

Last night I went to my regular watering hole. This bar is just a few blocks down the street from me and it’s cheap, which means it’s dangerous but also the most fun.

While I was there with my friend and her not-boyfriend-boyfriend not one but TWO different guys I have had sexual relations in the past happened to wander in.

One made sense as he is my neighbor. And whatever, we still talk occasionally, no big deal.

The second one lives nowhere around here. He, in fact, was one of the many men who GHOSTED me in the past. Which was really fucking ironic or serendipitous or whatever as I had just written about ghosting two days ago. Maybe he knew and subconsciously felt left out since I failed to mention him in that post. Anyway, it had been over six months since I had seen, heard, or even thought about that guy.

I was at the bar ordering another drink (we will say it was my 5th but who keeps count these days?) when I noticed a quite attractive man a few stools down from me.

“You look familiar,” he said as he took a sip of his whiskey on the rocks.

I stare at him for a moment and then it hits me:

“Oh, indeed. That’s because we’ve fucked.”

His eyes go wide. He realizes it too.

“Oh! Yes. I guess that would be the reason.”

I move closer to him (he’s still looking as fine as the day we boned):

“I was just thinking about you the other day,” I say, “I was writing a blog about ghosting and I remembered you because we had this long philosophical conversation about dating and being open and honest and how ghosting was a bullshit form of not communicating. Remember that? Then, do you remember how I sent you some texts the next couple of days after and you never replied? Like, how you said you’d never ghost and then you did just that?! That was hilarious!!”

He furrows his brow:

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do,” he insists.

Fast-forward to today and this text exchange where he informed he was now back with his ex-wife. But, here’s the kicker, he continued:

“I wouldn’t say it’s entirely accurate that I’m not into you.”

They are not in an open relationship.

I’m trying to understand the male brain here.

We went out a couple of times. We had sex. We stopped talking. We run into each other and have a casual conversation. Then he texts me to tell me he’s back with his ex but he might still be into me?!

If I were his ex-wife I would have stayed an ex because of this kind of behavior.

Exes are exes for a reason.

There’s this meme:

mcdonalds fries
True or False?

I’m not saying it’s ALWAYS bad. I’m sure there are circumstances where reuniting after spending time on personal growth might make it more reasonable and likely for success.

But… if you’re with someone monogamously and you’re thinking about how you might possibly be into someone else… perhaps that’s a sign that the two of you aren’t right for each other?

Or maybe he’s the type of guy who likes to have a serious relationship but then get fresh hot fries on the side?

Yes, I like sex. I am a slut. I enjoy hot fresh fries just as much as the next person, but I do have boundaries. I even have morals if you can believe it. And even if this guy and his ex-wife end up apart again (and they will as that’s pretty apparent) I could not, would not want to ever take a bite of his fries.

I can forgive a ghost (cuz they dead). I can’t accept a zombie though, because I enjoy having my brains intact.

Anyone have a different opinion on the matter? Am I reading it wrong? Did I just waste a bunch of time thinking about this? Probs.

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How Do You Have Sex Without a Penis?

how to have sex without a penis

Penis Not Penetrating Properly?

or

38 Ways to Have Sex Without a Penis

Wait?! You can have sex without a penis? How is it possible? What is sex if not penis-penetrating-the vagina-intercourse? That’s the only way right?

Wrong.

Wrong.

Very very wrong.

Do you not have a penis? Do you have a very small penis? Do you have a penis that for some reason doesn’t work? Do you have an average to large penis but are sexually curious and want to find out other things you could do that do not just involve your penis?

Well, you’re in luck!

Here is a long list of options (feel free to add anything I have forgotten in the comment!):

38 Different Ways to Have Sexual Relations

  1. Cunnilingus (aka eat that pussy)
  2. Analingus (aka eat that asshole)
  3. Put one finger in the pussy
  4. Put two fingers in the pussy
  5. Put three fingers in the pussy
  6. Put four fingers in the pussy
  7. Put five fingers in the pussy
  8. Put your whole fucking fist in the pussy
    (feel like I’m writing a song here)
  9. Put one finger in the butthole
  10. Put two fingers in the butthole
  11. Put three fingers in the butthole
  12. Put four fingers in the butthole
  13. Put five fingers in the butthole
  14. Put your whole fucking fist in the butthole
  15. Do some sort of finger/fist pussy/butthole combo (I’m not going to write out every combination here, you have your own imagination).
  16. Lick the nipples
  17. Pinch the nipples
  18. Nibble the nipples
  19. Makeout with each others faces
  20. Lick any part of the body you’re into, ear, elbow, knees, toes, whatever
  21. Give a massage
  22. Beat each other up with floggers, or whips, or chains, or crops
  23. Rub your bodies against each other
  24. Rub your genitals against each other
  25. Rub your nipples against each other
  26. Stick your tongue up their nose (this happened to me once, it was weird)
  27. Use a dildo
  28. Use a vibrator
  29. Use an anal plug
  30. Use anal beads
  31. Use a Hitachi
  32. Use an ice cube
  33. Use a double-ended dildo (there are holes in every person)
  34. Turn a carrot into a dildo (or whatever food you’re into)
  35. Stick your nipples in a two chocolate mousse pies (IDK now I’m just being ridiculous)
  36. Incorporate food in other sexy ways (aka eating sandwiches in bed while watching your favorite netflix shows)
  37. Gaze into each other’s eyes
  38. Slowly rub your hands up and down your partner’s back until they get chills and ejaculate all over themselves

Do I really have to keep going here? You get the picture, yeah? Penis penetration is not the only way to have sex, in fact, it might not even always be the BEST way to have sex. The BEST way to have sex is to communicate with your partner (or partners) about what you want, what you enjoy, what gets you off. Then do what you both consent to and what you both enjoy. Ta-da!

No penis required.

Small penises allowed.

Average to large penises, you can do these things too.

You are all fucking welcome.

P.S.
Go eat a carrot. Or a peach. Or a butthole. Whatevs.

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Exploring Polyamory, Monogamy, and Open Relationships Part 1

monogamy is dead

More Than One Relationship?

or

Can’t Even Get One Relationship.

As many of you know from following my writing in the past, I’ve extensively discussed theories of monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships in general.

Many of you ask what I prefer.

Here I talk about it if you don’t want to read (I lost my new video so these are from a different night when I was slightly intoxicated):

Here I write about it if you do want to read:

To be completely real with you all, I’m not typically in something long enough to ever find out.

Sure, this says something about me. It says that I’m picky and the people that I like are seemingly pickier than I am. I can easily rub people the wrong way, right after I rub them the right way, if you get what I’m saying.

Relationship-wise I would be good with a boyfriend and a girlfriend and the occasional one night stand.

Or a boyfriend OR a girlfriend and the occasional one night stand.

Currently, I am participating in none of the above. I go on dates. I don’t think I’ve had a one night stand in months though; they’ve at least lasted two to three nights, hahaha.

Sometimes my roommate and I get drunk together and make-out. She has a boyfriend and her boyfriend has a boyfriend, so in that realm, I suppose you could say I’m polyamorous. Though not really.

Though maybe.

It’s easier to say I’m open to the possibilities.

Open to the possibilities of everything in life–sex, politics, opinions, sandwiches. I’m open to learning, growing, figuring my shit out, not trying to define myself one way or the other. Yet, I’m still fascinated by it all.

It is my current opinion that monogamy is not for everyone and should not even be the default relationship structure of our society. It’s rooted in scarcity, guilt, jealousy and capitalism, which are just not the greatest features to carry out intimacies with another person.

Yet, time is a real thing and relationships are hard work. When you add multiple relationships to the mix it gets harder and harder. So much communication. So much scheduling. So much talk talk talking about feelings and shit.

Mostly I like the idea that people can decide for themselves what’s best for them. I’m still trying to uncover that for myself. I know, I know, I’ve been trying to uncover it for at least 10 years, but at least I’m actively attempting to understand.

My sex drive is higher than average and I read too many books and intimidate pretty much every guy I meet soooooo here I am, keepin on. Considering taking a break from men and sticking with women for awhile, even though I do like my carrots there are plenty of other tasty things to eat in the world.

Perhaps I’m just tired. I haven’t even had any coffee yet today. . .

Here are some book suggestions on polyamory if you’re interested in exploring further:

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Fuck You and Your Good Vibes Only, Too

good vibes, bad vibes, fuck vibes,

Good Vibes, Bad Vibes, Fuck Vibes

or

Let’s Just Be Real?

I’ve been super irritable for the past couple of days. My period started while I was still in Florida and the only thing I brought to deal with that was one of those stupid fucking menstrual moon cup things. Of course, the story of how all that unfolded in a horror-movie-blood-bath-show-down in my airplane bathroom is already in the works and will be published in a few days, but for now I want to talk about embracing your rudeness.

Here’s a story about how I was not having it in while I was at the Orlando airport.

Maybe my irritability stems from dudes just not getting it? Like, besides people who think they’re entitled to do whatever they want and who then get mad at other people when they fuck up there are also dudes who think they’re entitled to bug the shit out of people they don’t even know.

For more on what irritates me about guys on Tinder and Instagram, here’s a video explaining more.

To be clear on this. It’s perfectly legitimate and acceptable to follow someone who you find interesting or attractive on Instagram even if the way you find their Instagram is through their Tinder and you haven’t matched with them. What’s not okay is direct messaging them with a “hey.” This is particularly fucked up when the person sending the DM has a private account. This is NOT going to work. Why are dudes suddenly about this? I have not had this problem for the last like 5 years of having my IG connected to my Tinder, but in the last month it’s been unreal.  I took a screenshot for proof but haven’t decided if I want to post it on the blog or not.

What’s most unreal is that I am only moderately attractive compared to so many people on Instagram and I feel l am being bombarded. I can only imagine what it’s like for people who are like legit super hot. Or maybe I get pestered because dudes think they actually stand a chance. . .

The truth is YOU WOULD STAND A CHANCE. If you were just a decent human being. It’s sad that being a decent human being is basically the only standard I have left, but it’s a pretty major one it turns out.

In any event. Sometimes I am rude. Sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I have “bad vibes.” We all do and it’s okay. It’s okay to tell someone to fuck off. It’s okay to be told to fuck off. If I’m being a dick and someone calls me out for it, thank you. I am probably already aware that I am being a dick, but sometimes it just comes out–all you other dicks know what I mean when I say ” it just comes out,” right?

So, let me know what you’ve done while irritated. How were you rude? What bad vibes were you putting out into the world? Who did you troll? Why? Email me, comment below or on the youtube page if you feel like sharing. Would love to learn about your dark sides too.

 

Update. Later today. I go and find a ticket on my car, because I am idiot and the Universe is fucking hilarious.

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Weird Florida Stories About Good v. Evil

big dudes throwing things

Angel v. Demon

or

How to Balance Your Good and Your Evil

Friday Night Story

Saturday Night Story

There are moments in my life that I wonder if I am actually a bad influence on people. Like when I suggest to 20-years-olds that they can drink my beer when I’m “not looking” because I remember what it’s like to be a 20-year-old who wanted to drink. I think I’m doing a good thing when really I’m just helping a young woman potentially become an alcoholic.

Then the next night… my Tinder date takes me to the 4th bar of the night. As we park we see this HUGE dude throwing this newspaper stand all the way across the sidewalk. Eventually, we make our way to the front and he pops up.

Somehow I talk him out of murdering his girlfriend.

So. Am I an angel. Am I a demon? Is it possible to be both at the same time? Is that what makes us human? The same as being right AND wrong. And understanding it’s okay to be a walking contradiction because we ALL are.

This guy was like 6’5″ and SUPER buff but he was also a teddy bear at the same time who didn’t actually want to hurt the person he loved (and so he took it out on a newspaper stand). I found it fascinating. Like how he could throw other people’s property across the sidewalk and then the next minute be near tears thinking about how his mother never taught him how to love right.

Like, wow. That’s some fucking up-level self-reflection shit happening.

I am impressed by the nuances of humanity. Everyone talks about Florida in this sort of stereotypical way, where all the people here eat bath salts and try to eat each others’ faces off, but in reality, the people here are legit. There are hipsters and entrepreneurs and racists and artists and cooks that love wu-tang. It’s beautiful. Like I said to my friend the other night when I was SOBER and we were hanging out on the ocean… “we’re all just seashells that have been spat out of mother earth’s womb. Some of us are broken. Some of us are pretty. Some of us are broken AND pretty.”

Maybe we’ll be picked up and put into a pretty glass jar. Maybe we’ll get smashed into a million tiny pieces and become a part of the sand. Either way, we’re all here and we’re all trying to make it work, however, we can make it work for us while we’re here.

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My Funniest Grossest Sexual Encounter Yet!

puke during sex

I’m so sexy I literally make people sick with my sexiness

or

Why I should try to meet men someplace other than at bars

It’s Saturday, which means most of you are at brunch or out for a hike or not on your computer, which is why today I’m telling my grossest funniest sex story because then most of you probably will not hear it.

Of course, it’s probably not the grossest. I’m not sure if it’s even the funniest. Another time I was going to have sex with this guy, he went to put a condom on, five seconds later he said, “nevermind.”

“What?” I asked.

“This isn’t going to work.”

“Why?”

“I put the condom on inside out.”

“That’s okay just get a new one.”

“I can’t.”

“Why? There are like a dozen in that box right there.”

“I just came.”

Womp Womp.

It happens. But guys, when this happens you can overcome the coming to quickly by getting her off.

I believe this is where men faltered. They retreat because they’re embarrassed, but there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s the human body. Things happen. What’s embarrassing is when you leave a grrrl hanging. When you scramble to go because of your shame. Do not be ashamed. Just get her OFF.

Also. With regard to the story in the video, if you’re having sex with someone and you feel like you need to throw-up, you should probably stop having sex with that person and go and throw-up, then drink a glass of water, and then go to sleep. It’s pretty gross to try to rally through or throw-up and come back in. No thank you.

P.S. Do not type “grossest” in ‘image search’ unless you want to make yourself sick right now without even having sex with me.

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Can Pick Up Artist Tricks Work Without Being Sleazy?

PUA

I Use This PUA Method ALL the Time and It Works!

or

This one Pick Up line Could Save Your Night!

Going out on the town this weekend? Wanting to meet new people, flirt a bit, maybe even get laid?!

I’ve read a fuck-ton of dating advice books. At once point, I was actually going to write a thesis on them, but then I went into a totally different direction (music as activism, but I digress). There are major issues with the book, The Game. Mostly it teaches men how to manipulate women with low-self esteem into sleeping with them, which I find rather tasteless. Yet, there are some redeeming things about SOME of the tips and tricks.

One thing the book does well is motivate people into putting themselves out there. You’re not going to get a girl’s number if you just stare at her from across the room. If she rejects you, so what. If she doesn’t, look at that!

People don’t typically go to a bar just to drink; they go to a bar because of the possibility that something interesting could occur.

This could mean talking to new people, seeing a fight, finding the love of your life, letting go in the company of friends and strangers, connecting, flirting, observing a segment of our culture at its drunkest etc. etc.

People at bars WANT something to happen. So fuck it, why not make it happen yourself?

The method for introduction that seems to work quite often particularly when you’re with another person is “The Argument.”

Go up to a group of people that you find interesting or cute or whatever and say,

“Hi! Real quick. Can you settle this argument between me and my friend?”

Or

“Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I’m sure you’re having a riveting conversation, but my friend and I are in a very important debate and we need help settling it! We’ll be out of your hair momentarily if you don’t mind giving us your opinion on the matter?!”

Then bring up whatever you what to argue about. I prefer to keep things light, petty if you will, like pineapple on pizza? Coke v. Pepsi? Kayne v. Jay-Z? Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston the greatest pop diva of all time? Sloths v. Mini-pigs? etc. etc.

Either they’ll be into it and you’ll have an interesting conversation, or they’ll politely answer and you’ll get the hint to go away ASAP or they’ll tell you to go away which whatever, you’ll live through it.

The Pick-Up-Artist culture suggests making sure to leave right after the debate; I think it’s a pretty good move as it gives the people you just met time to decide if they actually enjoy your company and then they will seek you out later if they indeed did.

In any event, I find this method to be a pretty good way to start a conversation and though I did learn it from The Game, it does work as a way to engage and isn’t actually harmful to other people’s self-esteem. Unless of course, you yell at it the other people for hating pineapple on their pizza, which might happen because those people are wrong.

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I May Have Just Gone On The Worst Date In My Entire Life

how to be better on a date

Was this the worst date of my life?

or

Wow, maybe try like just 1% harder and you’d get laid.

I’ve been on hundreds of dates in my life. Tinder dates. OK Cupid Dates. Dates with people I met in real life (yes, it can happen). Even a blind date once (in high school before the internet was a thing).

Perhaps this was a reflection of me to have chosen this guy; he was insecure and couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life; he did have nice arms and I have a near-fetish thing for arms so I could have been temporarily stuck in my ID when I swiped right.

I asked him what he believed in and he couldn’t answer. I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know.
I literally said, “I want to have an engaging conversation and then if it’s engaging enough I’ll fuck you.”

I’m in rebound mode so it doesn’t take much right now.

I did not fuck him. Or do anything except leave and go to a bar by myself because I’d rather spend time with me than with someone who can’t talk to other people.

Here are three quick and easy dating tips:

1. Ask questions that you actually want to know the answer to.
2. If you don’t care about the answers don’t go on a date JUST fuck them and leave.
3. Know what you want.

When you know what you want you can actually get the things that you want AND knowing what you want makes you way more confident than people who do not.

Confidence is the sexiest quality to have… that and nice arms and big ole’ brains.

Also, I woke up with this Throwback Thursday song playing on repeat in my head. It pretty much sums up what I was thinking while this date was happening.

“I’ve been waiting for a dose of your personality. If I’m in the mood and if all goes right, baby you will be, you will be, going home with me tonight.”

It just never quite got to the personality part.

In the end, I do wish him the best luck. I hope he can find a way to come out of his shell a little bit more and let people in or find a woman who likes a guy who never speaks. I’m sure they’re out there. Like, maybe a woman who really loves to talk constantly so there’s never a gap and he can just smile and nod and then they can bang and live happily ever after.

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What Happens After The Me Too Story?

Life continues after the Me Too and it still isn’t pretty

or

One Day I’ll Be Over This

You say I’m brave. Braver than the guys I like, which isn’t saying much about my bravery.

This guy who I’ve been into HARD for the last couple of weeks says to me last night ” I can’t decide whether I like you or not.”

If you have to think about it, you don’t.

Go eat a carrot!

Life goes on. It’s beautiful. It sucks. I guess I could stop it, but I’m not that brave.

Ten minutes after the guy I REALLY like ends it with me, I’m back on Tinder. It’s my typical reaction after rejection to feel wanted. I used to feel guilt around this reaction, but now I don’t give a fuck. (Or I give a fuck… if you get my drift there.)

The Morning After… Some funny sex stuff.

Yes. I want to go a little crazy for once. But I won’t. Or will I?!?

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Just Content, No Point?

Excuse me while I rant for a moment

Because

What is the point of this website??!?

Here I get fired up about what the point of all of this is.

After my first link posting a rando on Instagram sent me a message. He said I had content, but no point. I thought my points had been rather clear, but to get even clearer here they are.

Point 1.
Tell the truth, the whole truth about who you are and what you want.

Some of my truths.

  • I enjoy sex.
  • I enjoy sex with beautiful people.
  • I want to be open to all possibilities in life.
  • I want to listen to opinions that do not necessarily align with my own and learn and grow because of them.
  • I want to explore the world and all the beautiful things (and people) in it.

Point 2.

  • I believe that people should experience more pleasure. In other words, we should have as much (consensual) sex as we want (if we want A LOT then we should have it, if we’re asexual and want none, then we should have none).
  • With pleasure comes responsibility aka safer sex practices, communication, and as written above, honesty.

Point 3.
We should all eat more carrots (aka give more oral and eat healthy foods because both of those things gives us pleasure and helps us live longer).

Also, I took a few seconds out of my day to put on lip gloss. It’s a real exciting clip.