Weird Sex Wednesday: Holiday Roleplay Fantasies

Your Guide to Holiday Roleplay Ideas

It’s that time of the year again! Can you believe it’s already the holiday season? Christmas is weeks away and a bunch of other holidays too. I’m not super into Christmas, but I can get into the spirits (gin, vodka, whiskey etc). I can also get into the spirit of winter. There’s something nice about it getting dark early and being able to cozy up inside by the (Amish) fireplace and watch movies or read a book or you guessed it, have sex.

If you’re the type who is super into sex, you know just like I do how much fun it is to spice it up on occasion. Nothing says “ho ho ho” quite like getting fucked while wearing a santa hat.

Here are three fantasy role play ideas based off of the holiday season. If you want more check out my patreon where I read erotic stories that I wrote myself based off of these sexy fantasy role play ideas.

The Naughty Elf

I already have pretty big pointy ears so this one isn’t hard for me to pull off (or is it hard and I pull it off?). Really you just need to wear Christmasy like clothing and add a couple of paddles, maybe this candy cane glass dildo, and some squeaky voices to this mix and you’re golden. I mean, why be nice when you can be naughty? It’s way more fun and pretty sure the gifts of pleasure you receive are far better than anything Santa might leave under the tree (unless you’re role-playing with Santa but that’s a story for below).

Get the Candy Cane Glass Dildo Here

Shop for naughty elf costumes here. 

Randy Reindeer

This one might be cutting it close to being considered a furry fetish, but you can take it as far or as not far as you want. My middle name is “Fawn” so when I went to the costume store the day after Halloween and there was a deer costume half-off I had to get it. Now it comes in handy more than once a year. I’m not sure what reindeer sound like when they’re mating, do they even make noises? Probably just a lot of mounting and huffing, I imagine this happening outside, steam from the hot bodies drifting in the air. Just be careful with the antlers, okay?

Look for randy reindeer costumes here. 

Sexy Santa   

Who hasn’t thought about sitting on a sexy Santa’s lap or being the sexy Santa who’s lap gets sat upon? It’s so easy (and hopefully so hard). All it takes really is a Santa hat, but you could always go all out and wear the full suit. Perhaps Mrs. Santa can join. Or a naughty elf or two. Sometimes a dick-in-box is the best present a person can get.

Get a Sexy Santa Hat Here


Planning to try any of these yourself? Have better ones to suggest? Leave comments below. And be sure to follow my Patreon for those erotic tales written and read aloud by yours truly (and yes, each week I’m dressing up at one of the above characters). Happy Holidays and I hope you can Ho Ho Ho it up all month long!

Hear me talk about fantasies!

Weird Sex Wednesday: What To Do When You Have So Much Sex and Your Pussy Gets Sore

what to do with a sore pussy

Is There Such Thing As Too Much Sex?

or

Sore After Sex? Here’s What to Do.

Because I write a sex blog I’d like to think that what I’ve been doing the last two weeks is basically research. I’ve been a bit MIA because research. Or I guess you could call it having a ridiculous amount of sex–so much sex that I’m sure I’m not walking right.

The guy is 6’7” and everything is proportionate if you get what I’m saying.

We’ve been having so much sex that I made him be my boyfriend so I could let him fuck me in the ass just to give my pussy some relief (you know, because of my ass-sex for boyfriends only rule).

Both of us work from home so it’s been kind of insane because we’ve been working from my bed, which has led to a lot of breaks from work. Or in my case, more research.

What I’ve discovered on this research experiment is that a person can indeed have too much sex. I didn’t think it was possible, at least for me. I have never in my life ever had too much sex and I’ve had A LOT of sex.

what to do with a sore pussy
Much excite!

Our biggest mistake is that we haven’t been using enough lube. If there’s too much friction it can cause tiny tears in the vaginal wall which can cause pain, particularly upon re-entry (the tears also leave your vagina more susceptible to infections–luckily I’m okay there so far). Also if the dick or dildo or whatever is too big it can hit the cervix, which will cause a different type of pain.

I’m currently in pussy-recovery mode. Here’s what I’m doing to help repair and ease the pain.

5 Suggestions to Help Ease After-Sex Pussy Pain

1.
Lube– Before, During, and After

He no longer is allowed to stick it in without wetting it down first. And when I say wetting it down I mean with something other than just my own wetness. I’m talking about good ole lube. We were using Sliquids Organic Water-Based but I recently switched over to Woo Lube. It’s made with coconut oil and I thought that might give my pussy some extra relief. I’ve also applied it after sex and thus far its helped make it feel better, though now my pussy smells like a cookie so who knows how long it will be until his mouth is over here on it.

2.
Ice, Ice, Baby

Yep. I am serious. I’ve placed an ice-pack wrapped in a washcloth on my pussy to help the swelling go down. It’s cool. It’s real cool.

3.
Pop It Like It’s Hot

Nothing says America like some good ole-fashioned pill-poppin! I already take a fuck-ton of ibuprofen because I grind my teeth while I sleep and usually get drunk, pass out and forget to put my mouthguard in (sexy, I know). Anyway, if you take it BEFORE the sex, it’s supposed to help with any pain you might experience after.

4.
Go in Different Holes

I mean, we have a mouth and a butt for a reason.

5.

Splish Splash

I’m getting ready to take an Epsom salt bath. I’ll probably throw some baking soda in the water too because my gyno told me it can help balance the pH and I might as well attempt balance in case it’s thinking about getting imbalanced.

So there you have it if your pussy is sore from having too much sex those are some of the different things you can do to help with the pain. Of course, you could also consider refraining from the sex until it feels better but I’m not going to tell you how to lead your life and I know I certainly am not going to stop (I’m also a masochist so there’s that).

 

Best Anal Sex Toys For Beginners

best anal toys for beginners

A Review of Lovehoney’s Bumper Booty Bundle Anal Sex Toy Kit

or

Enjoy The Final Days of Anal August

lovehoney anal sex toy kit
what what in the butt butt!

When I decided to make Anal August my theme this month I didn’t realize how, well, anal, people would be about it. It was much more difficult to find someone who wanted to explore the back door than I thought it would be. Perhaps it didn’t help that I was going through a break-up and anal play isn’t great with regards to fight fucking and/or crying into your pillow alone.

I was on a mission though. Lovehoney was kind enough to send me their Bumper Booty Bundle Anal Sex Toy Kit and I promised to review it.

Finally, just in the nick of time, I was able to try almost everything in the kit out–solo and with a partner.

Anal is weird. Like, I’ve made it a personal rule to only have anal sex with boyfriends. I think I’ve done this because I’m so easy everywhere else and it’s nice to create a boundary where the other person can feel a bit more special. (Plus, anal is a lot of work.)

Of course, sticking toys up the bum is different than a dick. For one, they’re typically smaller– at least with the dicks I meet.

So here’s what I thought about my most recent exploration of butt toys.

Discover Fifty Shades Darker

My Anal Toy Review

The Bumper Booty Bundle Anal Sex Kit comes with 6 different items.

Two different sized butt plugs, anal beads, a prostate toy, an anal douche, and a bullet vibe.

how to have anal sex
So much what what for your butt, butt!

If you’re new to anal then I would definitely recommend this kit.

For one it’s at a very affordable price for all that you’re getting and it gives you quite a variety for your explorative ways.

Let’s start with the anal douche as that is where one should start if they’re getting this kit.

I want to be upfront here. I had never used an anal douche before this one. Before I get into my commentary I’ll tell you right now that I failed at using it properly. This was definitely user error and not the product itself.

The whole point of an anal douche is so you can rinse out your butt and feel cleaner, but you don’t NEED to douche your anal hole if you eat enough fiber, poop regularly, and avoid scarfing down a bunch of Taco Bell right before you stick something up there. Yes, you might get a bit of shit on the toy but it’s not like it will be drenched in it or anything.

I followed the directions.

I filled the douche up with tepid clean water.

I put lube on the toy and my butt hole.

I squatted over the bathtub then stuck it in.

This is where I got umm stuck…. I squeezed the balloon thing and no water would come out.

I don’t know, maybe I wasn’t strong enough. I started to get freaked out because only air was coming out and I remember reading about women who have died from having air blown up their vaginas (which I looked up can actually happen but is incredibly rare) and thought that maybe the same thing could happen in the butt hole. Was I high and a bit paranoid, I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, I squeezed it. The water didn’t want to come out, so I gave up. I will try this again of course, but that was my first experience with it.

anal_douche

After my failed anal douching attempt I headed back to the bedroom and explored the toys.

They’re all made from high-quality silicone. I’m a pretty snobby bitch when it comes to the material of sex toys, so “high quality” is tolerable though I’d prefer medical-grade. You can tell if something is made from actual quality silicone by the smell. If it smells like chemicals and plastic then it is made from chemicals and plastic no matter what the description says on the label (yes, some companies lie, imagine that). Anyhoo, these toys don’t have that weird smell (they MIGHT have a weird smell AFTER being in your butt, but that’s an entirely different situation there.)

I pulled the bullet vibe out of the anal beads (which takes some muscle and maneuvering so don’t get discouraged about that it just means the bullet will stay put when it’s in the toy) and I put a triple-A battery inside it. It’s actually nice that this bullet takes a triple-A battery because a lot of the cheaper bullets use watch batteries which not only suck to deal with but also don’t last very long. The bullet was pretty powerful too, though some of the settings were way better than others.

With regards to bullet vibes, I’d recommend people invest in the We-Vibe Tango. It’s compatible with any toy that has a bullet hole in the base (like all of these bumper booty toys), it’s rechargeable, made from medical-grade material AND the best part–it’s super duper powerful. (You can check out the We-Vibe Tango for yourself here.)

Next, I stuck the bullet vibe that came with the kit into the larger-sized butt plug. I decided to skip using the smaller butt plug because I am not a beginner. If you are a beginner and have stuck no thing up your butt ever than the smaller butt plug is a good place to start. It doesn’t have a hole for the vibe because it too small to handle it.

Here’s what’s so interesting about anal sex to me. It takes a type of mindfulness to execute properly. Entry into the butt requires lube and relaxation. I used the Wicked Sensual Water-Based Anal Lube (which you can buy here) took a deep breath and slowly pushed the plug in.

The initial entry is where there is always the most struggle and pain. (If there’s A LOT of pain I’d suggest stopping and applying more lube or stopping altogether.) Once it’s inside though it’s smooth sailing. The vibe was strong enough I could definitely feel it. I needed more than just butt stimulation for an orgasm though, so I added on my Lelo Sona Cruise (read my full review here or explore the Sona for yourself here).

Side note. I watched porn while using these toys. It was some Australian thing with two women and two men. One of the women was like mega-porn looking (fake tits, fake lips, too much makeup) the other one claimed to be 18 when she was at least 28 while the dude who was fucking her claimed to be 53 when he was at least 65. The whole thing weirded me out. Like, I get this is supposed to be a fantasy, but this was more of a fantasy between the four of them than for the audience.

I digress.

Free delivery on all orders over $60

Finally. The following day, my manfriend came over and stuck the anal beads in my ass.

I replaced the original bullet with the We-Vibe Tango and could feel a bit more power in this toy because of that. This was my first time using anal beads. They went in fine. We fucked doggie-style and as he would thrust it would move the toy slightly back and forth which was a pleasurable feeling. We were not able to pull them out during my orgasm because he came first. Jerk.

Just kidding.

I will have to try them again though because I really want to know if that heightens the orgasm or not. I have a feeling that it would work better on men than women because of the whole prostate thing.

Speaking of prostate thing, I do not have one so I did not play with that toy. Yes, I could have stuck it up some dude’s butt, but as I said at the beginning of this rather lengthy review no one would agree to it. It looks like it could be fun, particularly for people who are just starting out in their prostate exploration as it is not too large and has a good curve to it.

Anyway. Hope you all had a happy Anal August. If you want to buy the Lovehoney Bumper Booty Sex Toy Kit for yourself (or any other sex stuff) follow this link.

Use promo code HONEYX10 to get 10% off EVERYTHING while you’re there!

Weird Sex Wednesday: Sound Healing My Pussy

sound healing weirdness

The Wide Wide World of Snakes, Lakes, Gongs, & Dongs

Or

Opening My Sacral Chakra and Shaking It Like a Sex Goddess

Admittedly this may be getting too weird for some of you. For others of you though, this will prob be right up your alley.

I’ve lived in Colorado for eight years now and during that time I have participated in my fair share of hippie bullshit. Things like this (though not like this if it’s going to get me in trouble)– orgasmic meditation, tripping on acid while prancing around naked at hot springs, going to a party and accidentally getting trapped listening to a conscious listening event (I do not recommend that one).

My favorite hippie thing of all time though is sound healing.

Gong baths™ to be more specific though I have tried a couple of other styles.

The first time I went to a gong bath I was beyond skeptical. I only went because it got me out of work for an hour.

During that hour though I had one of the craziest trips of all time. There’s even a chance I astral projected; it’s still hard for me to admit that I did even though I clearly experienced everything one experiences when astral projecting (I even used my teeth to rip the umbilical cord that connected me to planet earth).

I’ve been a huge fan of these experiences ever since and I try to go to sound healing events as often as I can.

Here’s the thing though.

They’ve been getting REALLY weird. And REALLY sexual.

The last two gong baths I’ve gone to were based on opening up the sacral chakra– for all of you who are not hippies this is like the sex/creative center of your being.

While in this vibrational meditative state I almost always have crazy visions, like tripping except more vivid, closer to a lucid dream, or a movie that I am staring in playing out in my mind.

Anyway. Snakes keep crawling up into my pussy during these gong baths.

And may I add that in real life I am utterly and totally terrified of snakes.

During the gong baths™  I just let it happen. They wrap around my arms then slowly slither down my throat or they circle my legs then enter my vagina.

They’re STILL in there you guys!

Also, this time a frog made its way into my pussy too.

A big ass mother fucking frog.

You all. I looked up the symbolism of these creatures.

Times are changing. I am transforming. I will soon turn into a Snake Goddess I am almost definitely sure of this. Or maybe a Penis Goddess?!?

Maybe all the snakes are just past lovers I can’t shake?

It would make sense since there were HUNDREDS of them.

Just kidding.

I mean, yes, there were hundreds of snakes but not ALL of them got inside of me, most of them just followed me around everywhere I went and I even flew all the way to the other side.

Told you it was getting weird today.

Was this sex per say? No. But it was a meditative state that opened up my sex holes and it was fucking weird as shit so I’d say that it’s close enough.

P.S. If you want to check out a gong bath™ yourself they’re happening now through the weekend (here’s the schedule). He comes back through with a tour every couple of months but there are many many other sound healing events all over this city and probably in other cities too!

Anniversary Collection

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Tits Out Tuesday: The Problem With Casual Sex

the problem with casual sex

Fuck Who You Wanna Fuck

or

Be Who You Wanna Be

I follow a bunch of random pages on Instagram. It pretty much runs the spectrum from hedonism to cute puppies all the way to new-age spirituality bullshit and of course, alien conspiracies. The other day I saw several posts come up into my feed that all centered around the same concept– that casual sex is an energy suck.

Most of the posts read something like this:

“Everyone is too busy just having sex for pleasure with no connection. They’re going to lose their chance to find someone real because of their sexual desires (demons) …”

The concept stems from the idea that when you give a part of yourself to someone who has no intention of returning anything you give–you are transferring your energy into emptiness and soon you will also be empty inside.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this idea.

I think for the most part this idea is bullshit.

Is there an actual problem with casual sex?

Yes.

The problem is people who have a problem with it.

If you have a problem with it, then it’s not for you and that’s okay. But, if it’s not your thing that doesn’t mean it’s not for other people. And the only way you lose your energy is by choosing to give it to someone else.

Is it possible to continue creating connections with people AND also participate in casual sex? Perhaps it’s only for people who are capable of separating the meanings of experiences. Not every sexual encounter is about intimacy or spiritual bonding. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying pleasure for pleasure’s sake. If people are going around ONLY seeking pleasure ALL of the time, perhaps they’re all empty on the inside. Or maybe pleasure is just easier for them? Maybe they haven’t gotten to the point where they’re ready for a deeper, closer intimacy. Is that wrong?

It seems like it should come down to communication. If you’re looking for a connection that’s more than just pleasure, discuss it. Perhaps don’t fuck someone who’s only about the physical act of sex.

When you’re on the same page, it shouldn’t be an energy suck or cause for concern.

One form of sex is not necessarily more real than any other. Of course, when you’re into each other it can definitely make the sex better, but it also depends on your definition of better. So, what I’m getting at here is that I disagree with this new-agey bullshit that says casual sex is bad for the world. I believe that everyone should experience more pleasure and within that pleasure, we will all have better experiences here on earth. Perhaps I’m wrong. I’m okay with being wrong. But perhaps shedding the guilt around sexuality would be more beneficial to our planet than continuing to make people feel bad for the choices they’re going to make.

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Tits Out Tips Out Tuesday: The Art of The Mouth Tease

the art of teasing

It Takes Two to Tongue Tango

Or

Give Me Mouth-to-Mouth Real Slow Like

How good do you think you are at kissing?

I know that I used to kiss like a fish.

I know this because my first ever boyfriend decided to inform me of my sloppy wet mouth moves a few months after we parted ways.

Now, I have no problem with fish but I don’t care to kiss like one and I don’t like to be bad at things either, particularly sexually-related things (admittedly still bad at giving hand-jobs but I’ve accepted this). So, after he so kindly informed me about my level of lip skill ability (under the sea level it turns out) I went on a mission to become not just a good kisser but an EXCELLENT one.

Here’s the thing about mouth-to-mouth making out.

It requires more than just being a good kisser.

It requires being a good communicator AND being a good tease.

Here’s what I mean.

On Tongue Dancing and the Art of Mouth to Mouth Communication

I’ve made out with hundreds of people. Did they ALL think I was an excellent kisser?!

Yes. Because I am amazing.

Ha!

Just kidding.

Kissing requires not just technical physical skill, but the ability to “dance like no one is watching.” Or if they are watching then you can do the tongue tango instead.

You are no longer communicating with words you are communicating with your physical mouth tongue body. That’s where passion and compassion come into the limelight. It’s where playfulness and desire get shown off. So, close your eyes and move to the rhythm of each other’s movements. Pay attention. Mirror actions. Nipple. Lick. Speed Up. Go deep. Go light. Tease.

The Easiest Way to Tease is Kind of Like a Red Light Special

We miss out on so much stuff when we go too fast. I’m not saying you have to practice mindfulness or take a ten-minute meditation break (but neither would be the worst idea). What I’m saying is that when you slow down you can better savor each other and the moment. So, pull back. Lean in again and just when you’re about to touch, pull back again. Build the intensity. Make it impossible to resist another moment without that connection.

Very few people actually enjoy the jackrabbit sex style and that includes making out with that sort of intensity. Sure, it’s hot to go hard, fast, deep, but it’s also hot to know when to ease up, put the other person on edge. Give them a taste. Back away give them a bit more, until they become addicted (or adDICKted, depending).

Good luck out there with your mouth-to-mouth make-out tease sessions. May we all kiss less like fish and more like sexy sex humans.

I hope you get to go eat a carrot today!

Happy Tits Out Tuesday.

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Masturbation Monday: Woo Woo Organic Lube!

organic coconut oil personal lubricant

Bumpin and Grindin with Coconut Love Oil

Or

Never Have a Dry Nether Region Again


A little back-story about this woo lube, I had never heard of it until about two weeks ago when a friend not only told me about it, not only RAVED about it, but contacted the reps for the company directly in order to hook me up with a sample.

The people from The Skinny Confidential responded right away. They were super enthusiastic about this product and thus, I was super enthusiastic about trying it.

Several days later I opened my mailbox to discover the box.

Okay, to be fair, it was 2 a.m. on a Saturday, a dude was over and I remembered that it was highly probable that this new lube had arrived. So, I ran down the stairs and found it waiting patiently in my mailbox (but that’s basically the same thing).

I drunkenly and excitedly opened the box to find two whole bottles (Enter My Give-Away for the other bottle on my Instagram page by 7/2/18). I read the label, which says things like:

Organic. Raw. Non-GMO.

100% Natural Ingredients.

Then followed the directions.

Directions:
Apply liberally.
(But we’re not deep frying plantains here.)

Of course, there was a moment when I thought:

“But… what if we did fry plantains with this stuff? I beat they’d be delicious.”

Then I realized the guy was still in my bed so I squeezed a dollop in my hand then applied it liberally (not conservatively) to his penis.

Have I ever mentioned that I’m terrible at hand-jobs?

It’s like that Garfunkel and Oats song that goes something like,

“Hand-jobs blam-jobs I don’t understand jobs!”

I just never really got into them. I never practiced them enough. But with this Woo lube I was at least slightly above mediocre, which made me feel like I could go into that line of work, if I ever got desperate enough (which I won’t because I also have carpal tunnel syndrome and have to save my wrists for writing and my own masturbation stuff).

In any event, I’m sure if a dude used it on his own penis it would be magnificent. It was pretty spectacular regardless of my just-okay skill-set.

The lube itself is quite smooth and had an amazing smell. It’s made from 4 ingredients: coconut oil, stevia, beeswax, and vanilla.

Yes, I tasted it too and I could definitely swallow it. (Way better tasting than a lot of other lubes.)

The guy and I were not going to have sex because we were both super tired, but the lube-enhanced hand-job changed both of our minds.

The one major downer of this lube is that it is not compatible with latex condoms. I repeat… DO NOT USE THIS LUBE WITH LATEX CONDOMS. I mean, you CAN use it with the condoms, but the condoms won’t do what the condoms are designed to do and what’s the point of a condom if it’s going to get a hole in it and knock you up or give you an STI?!

So, yeah. We fucked without condoms. We had “The talk,” you all. It’s okay. (He doesn’t care about what I call him, so his label/not-label will probably change any time he cums back into one of these stories).

Back to the lube and the sex stuff.

We had a good time. Granted, we always have a good time so I’m not sure exactly how much of that goodness had to do with the lube, but it didn’t hurt. It might have helped. My period was moments away from starting so I was more sensitive than usual. The lube made it feel like he was almost about to touch my belly button from the inside, but I didn’t mind.

Half-way through our escapade, I brought out my new Lelo Sona Cruise to see how it worked with the Woo. I had asked them specifically if it was compatible with medical-grade silicone and they told me that they had not experienced any issues. (I’ll keep a lookout and let you know if this changes; I’ve heard rumors but have never seen it for myself). Anyway, again, when I added lube to the Sona it made some really fascinating sounds, but it’s not the EASIEST toy to use with another person. I’d use like the We-Vibe or the Lelo Tiana 2 instead.

lelo tiana 2 for partner play
Enjoy good vibes, together.

Of course, I’ve only had a one-night stand with this Woo Lube thus far, having not used it yesterday because I was not having any sex with others or myself (sad, yes I know). But, I’m looking forward to trying it out over and over again in the future.

#moreplay
www.wooforplay.com
@wooforplay

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And guess what?! You can too. Enter to win the extra bottle they sent me. Just find the give-away post on my Instagram.

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Freaky Fuck Friday: Celebrating No Panties Day

how to celebrate no panties day

Just Panties In the Wind

or

Happy No Panties Day

(Turn up the volume on this one, too lazy to re-do it)

According to the Internet, June 22 is No Panties Day. It’s basically a made-up holiday to help dudes collect more images for their spank-bank collection.

That’s fine with me. Spank away. I believe we all should enjoy a more pleasurable time while on this Earth.

Speaking of being on this Earth. Last night I mentioned something to my housemate
about how I couldn’t wait until the moment when I met people in Denver who had stumbled upon my blog/ YouTube Channel and came up to chat with me in person.

Then it happened.

Of course, one of those people was a previous neighbor of mine, who thoughtfully came over and shoveled our sidewalks one dreadful winter snow storm morning. But the other person I had never met. So I’m counting it.

Anyway. She is an amazing human being and the two of them asked me to make a Freaky Fuck Friday post even though I was planning to make a Friday Feels post about nu Denver and some bullshit I stumbled upon recently — but I’ll save it. You’re welcome.

Today I’m exploring Freaking Fuck Friday and more importantly this made-up holiday No Panties Day. I looked up why this holiday exists, but honestly, there are not great reasons and it’s better just to embrace it–particularly when you’re not into wearing clothes of any kind most of the time anyway.

So.

Here Are 11 Different Ways to Celebrate No Panties Day on Freaky Fuck Friday:

  1. Choose to not wear panties (or undies or boxer briefs or whatever). I understand this is obvious, but more difficult for some than others.
  2. Wear a skirt or a dress or shirt-cock (that’s when you only wear a shirt but are naked from the waist down).
  3. Stand over one of those air vents Marilyn Monroe style. Enjoy the breeze.
  4. Masturbate. At home or work or wherever.
  5. Get Freaky! Tell a partner of your choice that you’d like their hand to slowly and methodically make its way up to your superfunparts. (And allow yourself to get off if they’re you know, trying to help you get off.)
  6. Accept oral offerings.
  7. Shove your panties in someone else’s mouth and use them as a gag.
  8. Throw your panties out of a moving car window.
  9. Sell your panties on the internet (you can buy mine anytime by sending me an email through contact section.)
  10. Sexy dance with your ass hanging out in private (or public if you can get away with it).
  11. Burn all your panties and start the summer off panty-free. Because fuck panties.

Is this really Freaky Fuck Friday material? I don’t know. Comment below on your favorite commando story and happy made-up holiday. I’ll be going without panties all day to show my support (thanks to squats my ass holds up).

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Or buy me something… maybe some panties since it’s only one day out of the year and I just burned all of mine:
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Orrrr…. buy yourself or someone you know some panties if they also did the whole burning thing (click on the image link and it will take you to amazon for more panties shopping):

Lelo for the good vibes, yes?!

Tits Out Truth Bomb Tuesday: Why We Watch Weird Porn

anime porn

Going Down a Hentai Hole

or

Can You Get Out of a Porn Trap of Your Own Making?

Yesterday I talked a little bit about how I stumbled upon this odd animated short porn where this giant monster slimeball mud dude has sex with all these women; his giant schlong inserts in the pussy and goes all the way out the mouth, ejaculating out the woman’s mouth each time. They then somehow get tied up by some other monster tentacles on top of a large warehouse ceiling to I suppose be selected for fucking later whenever the monster dude feels like it.

Anyway. At the time I was watching it and masturbating it was fascinating. It was arousing. I came and then it was disgusting. I was disturbed. Why did this even exist?

Later in the evening, I decided to wank off once more before bed, because why not?! Masturbation helps you sleep. I return to Pornhub, since I had watched that weird animated film they had populated my page with even more of those types of Hentai movies.

I knew this was a turning point for me. Either I could go down the rabbit-hole of gross anime-cartoon porn or I could walk away, wank off to my usual threesome porn parody thing and be done with it.

Why go this usual route when you can do something weird? Something new? Something you’ve never seen?

This is a pornhole. Or a porntrap. This is how people get addicted, how they end up watching weirder and weirder shit.

There’s nothing wrong with watching weird ass porn, BUT if it starts to prevent you from being able to get off from actual sex, perhaps you’ve gone to far?

Last night I watched an animated bird fuck a “nerdy woman” with a strange diamond-shaped penis in her pussy, a bird beak in her ass that actually looked way more like a carrot than a beak  (they then revealed the bird tongue going all the way up her anus), followed by these tentacles that tied all around her body then started tickling her tits. This was all fine, until the tentacles got tighter and tighter and then actually penetrated into her tits.

I was like, WTF?! Gross. That’s not even possible!

Then I remembered I was watching an anime film of a large monster BIRD fucking a human woman and had to stop myself from getting upset about the plot-holes (or lack of holes).

Anyhoo, admittedly I’ve always been pretty much anti-anime and I do think it’s because of its representation in mainstream media. It’s like a ‘nerds only’ thing that I never wanted to be associated with. It was actually difficult for me to tell anyone, let alone everyone, that I have begun to go down this hentai hole.

I feel like since I’ve done so many other things and people, I’m safe though and won’t turn into one of those women who HAVE to always play dress up and insert alien dildo dicks inside me instead of real penises (though, would try an alien dildo dick at least once if anyone wants to send me one).

Or maybe send me this weird book I just found that sounds really fucking fascinating:

Anyhoo. What’s the weirdest porn you’ve ever watched? How did you feel before/during/after about it?

Leave your comments below if you dare!

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Thirsty Thursday Cocktail Recipe: Sexy Strawberry Blonde Ethical Slut Punch

summer cocktail recipe

Get Your Cocktail on Today for a Cocktale Tonight

Or

Discover If This Recipe Could Help You Get Laid

I’m a thirsty bitch. I mean that in pretty much every way. As you read or saw last week I talked all about how I’m proud to be thirsty.


{If you make it to the end of this 5-minute video you’ll see us both shake what our mommas’ gave us (you’re welcome).

As a thirsty bitch though, sometimes I get thirsty for more than just dick or pussy or attention. Sometimes I get thirsty for actual drank. Sometimes this girl needs a cocktail before she can carry on experiencing anymore cocktales.

Below is a recipe for my signature drink. Named after me, the sexy strawberry-blonde ethical slut.

This drink is WAY better than that stupid red-headed slut shot they serve at low-end college bars. Who the fuck thought it would be a good idea to mix jager with peach? Gag me with a ten-inch dick already… I mean really, gag me with a ten-inch dick… but no, do not ever order me a red-headed slut shot.

My signature drink is delicious just like me.

There’s some healthy sweet fruit all smashed at the bottom. Some lime for that tart and sass. Gin AND tequila because I go both ways. Triple sec because if you say it fast enough it sounds like triple sex, which makes me think of threesomes, which are my FAVORITE when it comes to the sex. MMF, FFM, FFF, any triple sex threesome thing is good with me. Ice because I can be cold, cool, and melt in your mouth. Then, of course, there’s the ginger beer since you all feel the need to call me a ginger all the time even though it’s debatable, but the ginger does add an extra kick and all that liquid helps calm down the hard hard liquor that’s getting all busy in the big ass glass already.

When it’s all mixed up make sure to use your reusable glass or metal straw–this is the ethical part of the drink. Think of it like a condom for your big ass glass. People are getting all butthurt about plastic straws at bars and coffee shops. I get it, I mean, that’s a lot of trash and there is already plenty of trash in the world (insert joke about your mom or Arkansas or something here). metal and glass straws are a great alternative. I’ve had mine since I lived in Boulder–because they have been butthurt about plastic straws for centuries. Anyway, they do last a really long time and I’ve lost more than I’ve broken.

If you’re going to be slutty, if you’re going to get sloppy, might as well be ethical about it.

Will this drink help you get laid? No.

A decent personality, an ability to communicate, a sense of humor, and the whole consent thing (aka not fucking someone super drunk but someone who actually consciously wants to fuck you) those things will help you get laid.

This signature cocktail is just to quench the thirst for a drank. And maybe loosen you up a bit IF you’re down for cocktales (or peach-pies or pink tacos) later.

The full recipe and instructions are below. Cheers!

Thirsty Thursday Cocktail Cocktale Recipe

Sexy Strawberry-Blonde Ethical-Slut Punch

Ingredients:
(for two drinks)
4 to 8 Strawberries
2 to 4 Limes
Gin
Tequila
Triple Sec
Ginger Beer or Ale or Soda Water
Ice

Materials
Big ass glass or jar
Reusable glass or metal straw

Instructions:

Add:

  • 1 part Tequila
  • 1 part Gin
  • 1 part triple sec

Add some cut up  strawberries and smash them in the bottom of the big ass glass.

Throw in the juice of half to one lime.

Put a bunch of Ice in your big ass glass.

Top that big ass glass with ginger beer or ginger ale for that extra PUNCH of flavor (you can use soda water if you have no gingery things or you run out of gingery things or you want to cut out some of the sweetness).

Garnish with lime wedge (and strawberry if you’re feeling real frisky).

Drink up that drank with your reusable glass or metal straw.

Rinse. Repeat until thirst is quenched.

Happy Thirsty Thursday!

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Show support by purchasing something for me from my Amazon Wish List (I’ll review whatever gets sent my way!)

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Tantus

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Lelo