Tell Me If This Is Funny: Hips & Hitachi Magic Wand 

funny hitachi story


My Hips Don’t Lie

Before we begin, let’s take a moment to talk about the history of the Hitachi Magic Wand.

The Hitachi Magic Wand was invented in Japan as an AC-powered wand vibrator to relieve tension, body aches, and sore muscles. It came out onto the market in America in 1968.

I’m not sure if anyone ever used it for its intended purposes.

For over 50 years people, mostly women, but also men, have been using this device as a sex toy.

Hear the joke here!

It is by far the most powerful vibrator I have ever used and I have tried and tested many, many, many. I actually chose to not buy the Hitachi Magic Wand when I first started working as a sex toy saleswoman because I had heard the rumors and I didn’t want it to ruin me.

I was afraid the vibrations would be so intense I would never want to use any other toy ever again, because I’m a high-vibe type of gal. Plus, the thing is big and bulky and I didn’t want to have to carry it around everywhere I went.

Eventually, though I succumbed. Or better yet, a very thoughtful person who follows Go Eat a Carrot bought it for me to test out (feel free to buy me something to test out too here). And my life was changed.

I love the Hitachi Magic Wand, just like I knew that I would. Of course, I still have other favorites, like the Lelo Sona Cruise and the We-Vibe Tango, but those are stories for other days.

Let me get to the point.

A couple of mornings ago I had gotten back from a yoga class, I had showered and was resting peacefully in my bed. I decided that I should masturbate. I wasn’t that turned on, but it seemed like I should get it out of the way in case I became turned on later and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I whipped out the Hitachi.

As I turned on Pornhub and started going at it, I realized that my hips were quite sore.

I tried to ignore it.

But the more I vibrated, the more my hips were like WTF?

It was at this point that my true age was revealed. I was no longer a young whipper-snapper. I was in fact, in my almost-mid thirties.

I took the hitachi and started using it for its initial purpose–as a body massager. And boy, were my hips happy.

My clit on the other hand, was not amused.

TLDR:

You know you’re in your thirties when you go to masturbate and end up using your Hitachi on your aching hips instead.

30s:

When you start using your body massager as a body massager.

Sore muscles? Body aches? Untapped desire? Want to try the Hitachi out for yourself?

Buy it here:

Hitachi Magic Wand Massager

Become a patron on Patreon for more goodies all month, every month.

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Tell Me If This is Funny: Taking Doggie Style Way Too Far

Are Dogs Really Man’s Best Friend?

or

Caution: This May Gross You Out

A couple of years ago I had a regular friend-with-benefits. Every Monday we’d have some sort of sexual experience. It usually consisted of me getting tied up and beat, forced orgasm, etc. He was a dom and had a couple of other subs he played with as well.

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One day he told me that one of the other subs had a strong desire to get fucked by a dog.

A dog.

I was immediately grossed out.

“Excuse me? No.” I said.

“No what?” He asked.

“No. I will not continue our regular rendezvous if you have sex with someone who has sex with dogs. That crosses a line for me. That’s not even six degrees of separation from me and a dog.”

Hear the doggie story here. . .

I have no idea if that woman ever had sex with a dog. I’m sure she did because when people want to do fucked up stuff they usually do. The guy and I ended our sex sessions for other reasons that are irrelevant to the story.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I don’t know what kind of boredom I was going through but I decided to dive into the disgusting world of women getting fucked by dogs. It was relatively easy to find a whole slew of videos of women and man’s best friend together, intimate in ways that go beyond a nice scratch behind the ears.

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I clicked on a video of a woman tied to a chair with a dog penetrating her pussy.

“Well, I mean, it looks like she had no choice in the matter here.”

Fast forward.

The woman now untied was actively sucking this dog’s penis.

Like, she liked it.

Have you ever see an erect dog penis?

It’s even more disgusting than a human male penis. Plus, it’s connected to, well, a dog.

I watched about twenty seconds of it. I was fascinated to be honest.

Just think. There are thousands of men in the world that want their dicks sucked who never or rarely get their dicks sucked and here are all these women sucking and fucking dog cock.

Sure, we could blame the fact that some men are involuntarily celibate on their terrible personalities… or like a rancid fart, we could just blame the dog?

Wank Off Wednesday: Unboxing These Dicks in a Box

unboxing

The best gifts come in BIG Boxes

Or

Now I Shall Cum For Years to Come!

Last Friday I received a large box in the mail. I was not home when this large box arrived, but when I walked through the door I knew it must be my sex toy surprise from an anonymous friend. I couldn’t open it right away because my friends were waiting for me at the bar down the street, so I took it upstairs where it sat for hours unopened; yet while at the bar I was thinking of it the whole time. Since I live only two blocks from the drinking establish we were all at, I slipped out unseen to open said box as I could not longer contain my anticipation and excitement.

Here is the video of the unboxing. I know it’s long but I promise there are at least five pervy inappropriate jokes within this box (along with several dicks in this big dry box, which of course I make opinions about).

This video is long, but not as long as your dick, right?

Didn’t watch the video because it was long and intimidating unlike your dick, huh?

Fine.

Here’s a pic:

adult toys and unboxing
My favorite kind of toys to play with.

Included in said big dry box:

  • The Hitachi Magic Wand
  • Ben-Wa Balls
  • Lube
  • Toy Cleaner
  • Clone-a-Willy
  • And a 7.5 inch Dildo with suction-cup & vibrator attachments

This guy knows how to send a party to my door!

I’m beyond grateful. And I will be reviewing each of these items separately in the upcoming weeks. I will say I could not wait to try to Hitachi, I’ll give full review soon but it was SO intense it made my eyes water the first time I tried it. Talk about a power tool for the pussy.

Want to be as amazing as the person who sent me such a pleasurable big box full of dicks? Well, you can! Check out my Amazon Wishlist and go ahead– make my day. (Could really use some new patio furniture. You might not think that’s very sexy but I will tell you right now I’d cum all over at the sight of it on my porch.)

Get yourself or someone you’re into all the stuff from my box with these links:

Become a Go Eat A Carrot Patron on Patreon!

Follow me on all the Social Media

Instagram
Twitter
Facebook

Show support by purchasing something for me from my Amazon Wish List (I’ll review whatever gets sent my way!)

Need Toys? Here Are Links to My Top 3 Favorite Brands:

Tantus

We-Vibe

Lelo

My Funniest Grossest Sexual Encounter Yet!

puke during sex

I’m so sexy I literally make people sick with my sexiness

or

Why I should try to meet men someplace other than at bars

It’s Saturday, which means most of you are at brunch or out for a hike or not on your computer, which is why today I’m telling my grossest funniest sex story because then most of you probably will not hear it.

Of course, it’s probably not the grossest. I’m not sure if it’s even the funniest. Another time I was going to have sex with this guy, he went to put a condom on, five seconds later he said, “nevermind.”

“What?” I asked.

“This isn’t going to work.”

“Why?”

“I put the condom on inside out.”

“That’s okay just get a new one.”

“I can’t.”

“Why? There are like a dozen in that box right there.”

“I just came.”

Womp Womp.

It happens. But guys, when this happens you can overcome the coming to quickly by getting her off.

I believe this is where men faltered. They retreat because they’re embarrassed, but there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s the human body. Things happen. What’s embarrassing is when you leave a grrrl hanging. When you scramble to go because of your shame. Do not be ashamed. Just get her OFF.

Also. With regard to the story in the video, if you’re having sex with someone and you feel like you need to throw-up, you should probably stop having sex with that person and go and throw-up, then drink a glass of water, and then go to sleep. It’s pretty gross to try to rally through or throw-up and come back in. No thank you.

P.S. Do not type “grossest” in ‘image search’ unless you want to make yourself sick right now without even having sex with me.

Become a Go Eat A Carrot Patron on Patreon!

Follow me on all the Social Media

Instagram
Twitter
Facebook

Show support by purchasing something for me from my Amazon Wish List (I’ll review whatever gets sent my way!)

Need Toys? Here Are Links to My Top 3 Favorite Brands:

Tantus

We-Vibe

Lelo