Loving Being Alone v. Longing in Love

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday

Is it Better to Be Alone or to Be in Longing?

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with love. Most people who aren’t in romantic relationships are in a sort of perpetual continual search for “the one,” while many who are with someone are in a continuous state of questioning whether the one they are with is “the one.”

To love ourselves is hard work, to love someone else is even harder.

To love someone who doesn’t love us back the way we want them to love us is torture.

Either way, whether you’re alone, in longing, or in reciprocal love there will always be pain.

The question comes down to what kind of pain can you most tolerate?

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When you’re alone the pain seems to often manifest as boredom, a feeling of not being connected, accepted, understood. The pain of always having to make yourself happy.

When you’re in reciprocal love there’s the pain of frustrations, compromises, continual communication, perhaps irritation from being around someone all the time. The annoyance of not being understood by someone you thought understood you more than anyone else.

Longing for love is completely misery, anxiety, fear. It’s a desperation close to walking through the desert without any water. Fantasy

Of course, with the pain there is also pleasure.

Alone you have your freedoms. You have the capability to explore more of your own internal workings, to come to peace with your quirks and idiosyncrasies, to be weird without anyone else being able to judge it.

Reciprocal love gives both people added joy to their days and sex, let’s not forget about that.

Longing in love creates a world of fantasy. You can imagine a whole alternative world where you live happily ever after and within that fantasy you might be better off than in any reality of being with the actual person.

Because the truth of the matter is that along with all of our positive traits we all have flaws and annoying behaviors. These can range in scope from something as insignificant as smacking our mouths together when we eat to even bigger issues like avoidant behavior or straight up manipulation.

There’s the running argument that people need to be with other people. We’re pack-animals. Tribal. Our survival rests on each of us contributing, helping, supporting each other. Yet, how much of this needs to happen in a romantic way? In a monogamous way?

Would it be so bad to be alone yet have intimate non-sexual relationships with friends and family? Maybe we’ve all been approaching this all wrong? Perhaps we’re obsessed with the concept of love because we’re so bombarded by it every day? We’re bombarded by it because it creates such a huge distraction from dealing with our own shit. We’re bombarded with it because it helps keep our society running from the obvious reproductive side to the financial side of everything that goes into dating and marriage (fitness, appearance cost, dinners, houses, gifts, parties, booze etc).

If we all stopped collectively being obsessed with finding the one, if we let go of our longing for that which would never really work anyway, would that completely change our cultural landscape? And would that shift be better or worse?

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It definitely wouldn’t hurt to take a step back and reevaluate it all that’s for sure. When we remove ourselves from the center of the situation it is often much more easier to see what’s really going on. Sure, love is a beautiful way of being but there are many ways to do it and it just might be time to try some alternative ways.

More thoughts on getting over longing, from this deer. 


Falling In Love with a Sociopath

sociopaths and dating and romance

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday: How To Know You’re Dating a Sociopath

or

Love is Indeed the Most Intense Drug

Discussing this is difficult. There’s a chance that I could be putting my life at risk. So, in a way, I’m doing this more for you all than for me. I’d prefer that no one else ever have to go through this type of situation.

Yes, I fell in love with a sociopath.
You know that phrase, “people tell you who they are”? Well, I guess I should have been a bit more aware since he has “sociopath” tattooed on his neck, and yet, I ignored the all-to-obvious sign.

Why did I ignore it?

I don’t know. I guess because I didn’t want to believe it.

Instead, I let the facts reveal themselves over time.

So, how do you know if you’re dating a sociopath?

1.
They’re Master Manipulators

They have both the intelligence and skill to extract your entire emotional range out of you. Honestly, it was like being on the most intense drug. For the most part, I’m pretty rational, some may even say cold. Yet, with him, I was ecstatic, joyful, angry, sad, frustrated– everything at its most intense. I’m grateful we met because for the longest time I thought I was incapable of feeling. He was able to bring it out in me in ways I didn’t think possible. Of course, it was for his own motivations, a way to feed off of other people because he lacked the necessary skills to feel himself. This is actually emotional abuse. It is not healthy. It is very dangerous.

2.
Their Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Because they are master manipulators and world-class liars they will say whatever they can to make you believe them. And you will believe them, even if you know deep down it’s a lie. You’ll want to believe them too because the love is the strongest love you’ve ever felt. You don’t want the relationship to end. Even if they continue to do things that are the opposite of what they say. For example, this man claimed to respect me, to value my time. He’d say he was coming right over then not show up for hours, even days. Or he’d invite me out with him, ignore me the entire time, then leave with other people.

3.
They Isolate You From Your Friends and Family

It got to the point where I wouldn’t talk to anyone about my relationship with him. He had non-consensually kissed my roommate at a party, completely snubbed all my friends while we were at a bar, got on my phone and sent private pics of my friend to himself, literally hit on other women right in front of me. My friends were aware of this behavior. They told me to get out. I didn’t listen though. I was under his spell. When I say all of this out loud, I know you’re thinking, “wtf, Krystal?” I’m telling you right now there isn’t reason behind it. That’s why it’s so powerful.

I mean, he was smart and charming and sexy and complex and interesting. And he made me feels that way too. Except when he didn’t. Except when he sucked all of my vital energy out from me and left me feeling insecure, weak, scared, dumb.

For the longest time, I’ve sat around wondering, why me? What was it about me that drew him towards me. I must have done something. It must be my fault.

Of course, that’s exactly how they want to leave you feeling.

The truth is that you will never know why. The ‘why,’ doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you disengage. Step away. Move on.

It will be the hardest thing you ever do.

Yes, that sounds dramatic. Imagine though that this love, these feelings, this relationship is more addictive than heroin or meth, more powerful than the feeling you get once you accomplish one of your major life goals, more intense than hiking Mt. Everest or finishing a marathon… then you may get a better idea of what I mean.

He got me. He won. I’m empty now.

Yet, I know that over time I will fill back up with something better.

What’s that quote… “the wound is where the light gets in.”

Perhaps I’ll shine a bit brighter after this.

Friday Feels: Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Know How to Love

romance patterns

Discovering My Love Pattern

or

Learning How to Un-Do The Damage I’ve Done To Myself

I have a confession to make.

The guy I said I had stopped seeing, stopped talking to, well, that wasn’t entirely true. I did stop seeing him and I did stop talking to him, but then I started again and just didn’t tell anyone about it.

Why?

Because I was afraid that he’d hurt me again and everyone would tell me that they told me so.

I don’t like being wrong.

I was wrong.

Everyone who would have told me so but couldn’t tell me so because I didn’t tell them, well, they were right.

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He invites me to meet him at a bar. So, I show up and he basically ignores me the entire time. I make other friends because I am surrounded by people and you have to work with what you’re given. Then the bar closes. I go up to him to see if he’s ready to go. He tells me to go away while he’s talking to his friend. They leave. 30 seconds later the woman that’s been googly-eyeing him all night follows them. He doesn’t call me or text me. I’m drunk so I do that crazy girl thing and call him like a half-dozen times until he picks up. He tries to tell me that woman is a lesbian. Right, and I’m the Princess of Monaco.

In any event, at the time he was being a complete and total dickface shitbag, another guy was texting me. Another guy who actually wanted to spend time with me. So, I did that. Of course, I was drunk and distracted and angry and even more upset that I couldn’t focus on the actual decent guy that was right in front of me.

But I realized something in the course of this emotional turmoil and dramatic turning of events.

I have finally come to understand my dating pattern.

I used to say I didn’t have a type. But I do. They may be short or tall, muscular or fat. They may be alcoholics or felons or doctors or lawyers. They may be women or men or trans. They may be white or black or brown or purple. They may be smart or dumb or cool or nerdy.

They could be any of those traits. Those traits are irrelevant. What is relevant is the one common thing that attracts me to most of the people I fall in love with.

I fall in love with people who:
1. Do not know how to love
2. Do not know how to be loved

I think I do this because of my own deep-seated insecurities and my own inability to accept it. I think I don’t deserve it. I have no problem giving it to others, perhaps too much. I think if I date this broken guy who doesn’t know how to be loved that I can teach him, that I can be enough, that my love will fix us both.

Ha!

What a silly creature I am.

Let’s not even talk about all the decent people who have actually loved me who I have hurt. I get it. It’s like I am to them what these last few unlovables were to me. What a shit show.

At least now that I have recognized my own pattern I can work on breaking it. That’s all we can really do right? When you continue to repeat the same story over and over it turns into its own kind of hell. The only way to get out of hell is to edit the story, write a new one.

How to Take Action When You Fuck Up a Relationship

how to fix a relationship that you broke

Aka Get Off Your Phone and Get to Work

or

At Least Do Something if You Care At All

Most people don’t want to do the work that it takes to be in any kind of romantic relationship.

I mean, I get it, why have a deep connection with someone who cares about you, thinks you’re the whole world, would do anything for you (but not that), when you can just go out and have sex?

Oh wait.

Yeeaaahhh. Casual sex is fun and all but it’s got nothing on love.

L. O. V. E.

Wtf is that anyway?

There was that Chris Rock stand-up where he explained it pretty well. Aka “If you haven’t contemplated murder, you ain’t been in love.”

Now, perhaps that’s taking it too far, but I don’t know. It was in the moment after we had been fighting (well, after he kissed my roommate and tried to sleep with her when I was in the other room and then lied about it) when I walked through my kitchen, saw a knife sitting on the counter and paused for a second too long when I realized, “oh fuck, I might actually have fallen for that guy!”

Yet, then he really fucked it all up.

A series of texts transpired after which were full of apology etc. Now I’m a patient person. I can tolerate a lot of pain. I can even forgive a person for being a total and complete piece of shit, which is something I should maybe try unlearning. But here’s the thing. Actions must be taken.

If you fuck up a relationship by being a liar, a manipulator, a cheat etc. and you want that person back. Good fucking luck. You’re going to have to work your ass off. You’re going to have to make sacrifices to the goddesses. You’re going to have to quit being a lazy ass good-for-nothing mother fucker and do something.

This is the most important component that I think a lot of people who fuck up relationships miss.

You must shut your mouth, your words mean nothing at this point because your previous actions proved you otherwise untrustworthy.

You can no longer rely on a text apology. That’s not good enough. You must overcome your own ego and DO SOMETHING.

SOMETHING > NOTHING
ACTION > WORDS

This where things get confusing to a lot of people. They know that must take action but they have NO IDEA what kind of action to take.

Use your brains here. Get creative. The point is rebuilding. It’s like, not only did you tear your entire building down, but in the process, you created a major fucking hole too. Now you have to fill in the hole (and not with your dick…) AND build an entirely new building, that’s taller and shiner and all that shit.

Most people can’t do this. Either they didn’t really love that person that much or they’re lazy or both. We’re quite the throw-away society, not only do we have no respect for things anymore, now people are things and are thrown away all the same. We can do better. We can be more interesting than that.

If you’re struggling with figuring out some sort of action to take after you took some negative actions that made your relationship fail, don’t worry. I’ve made a list as a starting point to help you. Of course, this is mostly just stuff that I’d want, I don’t know who you fucked over or what they’re into, but perhaps this list can help spark your imagination and get you on that first step back into their good graces.

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Make your carrot vibrate maybe?! Nah, prob something better than that.

Here Are 12 Ways to Do Something That Could At Least Help You Maybe One Day Get Back What You Fucked Up

1.
Say Anything style and stand outside their bedroom window blasting your song on a boombox (I’d suggest not the song he blasts because that song is kind of lame).

2.
Write “I’m sorry” in their yard using a bunch of burritos or bacon or whatever food they love.

3.
Write and mail them a love note every day. Every. Day.

4.
Try flowers, nothing says romance like something that is so beautiful it will die in three days.

5.
Try flowers again three days later because the other flowers are dead now and you don’t want them to think of your relationship that way.

6.
Bottle up your tears and then let the other person make a nice clean (or dirty) martini from them.

7.
Write and record them a song.

8.
Send them a heart-shaped pizza.

9.
Start seeing a therapist and work on yourself.

10.
Buy them everything they want on their Amazon Wish List (or mine is fine with me).

11.
Write them a poem or better yet, an entire book of poems.

12.
Or if you’re terrible at poetry, write a long long LONG list of everything you love about them.

Is this helping at all? Getting some ideas? Okay cool. Maybe now quit reading this and GO DO SOMETHING about whatever it is you did. You’re welcome (and good luck).

Gifts for Brinds