Tell Me If This is Funny: Hot Sauce Litmus Test

hot sauce and dating

Would you rather go on a date with your last bad date again or get hot sauce in a not hot place?

Last night I was all fired up. This is not uncommon. I have a fiery disposition.

Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated or angry or I’m just trying to work through some issues I find myself talking to people who aren’t there in the mirror.

No, I don’t mean imaginary people.

I mean real people that I have met in real life who just happen to not be present while I am having the conversation.

I suppose it is not a conversation since they have no opportunity to rebuttal.

I guess you’d have to call it a monologue directed at a specific individual who will never hear it. Whatever. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has these sorts of mirror monologues.

Anyway, last night I was having this anger-filled mirror monologue as I was getting ready for bed. In between washing my face and brushing my teeth etc. I was yelling all sorts of things at this dude.

These were not nice things.

There was a lot of name-calling, a lot of calling out this dude’s bullshit, several sentences that went something like:

“sometimes I wish that I tried to be less understanding of other people’s motivations and instead just told them to fuck off without hearing their point of view.”

Things like that.

I called him an asshole.

I was taking out my contacts around the same time I was calling him an asshole. I sort of forgot that right before I decided to go to bed I had eaten a cheese quesadilla covered in hot sauce.

You can imagine what happened next.

Oh yes. The residual hot sauce made a lasting impression on my eyeball. And by lasting I mean it burnt like a motherfucker for about 10 to 15 seconds in which I immediately began apologizing to the man in the mirror who wasn’t really there.

I was like, “FINE, YOU’RE NOT AN ASSHOLE!”

Then the hot sauce eye burning went away.

And I was like, okay, maybe you’re a little bit of an asshole but would I go through that entire dating experience again versus having hot sauce go in my eyeball?

Yes.

Yes. I would even rather go on a date with him again knowing fully the exact kind of asshole he is than have hot sauce go anywhere near my eye.

That’s how much it hurts to have hot sauce in the eyeball.


Now, I have decided that this is going to be the litmus test for all of my past, present, and future relationships.

Does this hurt more than hot sauce in the eye?

If yes, never speak to person again.

If no, then don’t yell at them in the mirror when they cannot reply back. Instead, say it to their face with hot sauce in hand and if they say something mean to you throw the hot sauce in their eye!


Broad City Collection

Or don’t. You do you. Fight dirty, clean, or hot, it’s up to you.

Anyhoo.

What would you choose: hot sauce in the eye or another date with your last bad relationship?

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The Ex Text and Mercury Retrograde

ex texts and mercury retrograde

What To Do When the Ex Texts During Mercury Retrograde

Or Anytime Really

Scrolling Instagram the other day I saw a meme that said something along the lines of ‘mercury retrograde is the pumpkin spiced latte of astrology.’ I agree. It’s probably the most talked about of retogrades that happen and admittedly often those sentences come out of yuppie white basic bitches. The ones that like pumpkin spiced lattes.

Here’s the thing though, Mercury Retrograde does not have to be some sort of dreaded regular occurrence nor does it have to be an excuse for shitty things that happen.

Sure, you can use it as an excuse, I certainly have and I have certainly had a pumpkin spiced latte, does that mean I LIKE pumpkin spiced lattes–not particularly, but I am only two parts of the ‘yuppie white basic bitch’ so there’s that (I’ll let you figure out the two).

WTF is mercury retrograde and what does it supposedly do?

Mercury takes 88 days to do one revolution around the sun. Mercury moves into retrograde three times a year anytime between 19 and 24 days. It appears to move backward, though the planet does not actually move backward.

We’re almost through the most recent Mercury retrograde which goes from March 5th to March 28th.

Here’s some shit that often goes down during mercury retrograde:

  • Communication sucks–mistakes & misunderstandings seem to enhance
  • Technology sucks — shit breaks down more often, computers crash, stop lights stop stopping, zippers stop zipping etc.
  • People from the past RETURN

In Mercury retrograde it’s advised to not sign new contracts or begin new projects, to be patient with technology and travel.

What should you do during Mercury retrograde then?

Oh, you’re not going to like this one: inner work.

That’s right.

See the reason why the exes return so often during Mercury retrograde is that it’s a time for self-reflection. It’s a time to review the past and release the bullshit. End the old cycles so you can open up to new possibilities.

Still skeptical that it’s not a real thing? Alright. Well, in the last 10 ish days I’ve been contacted by nine people from my past. And when I say nine people — I’m talking ex-boyfriends, ex-flings, ex-lovers, ex-work-husbands, exe all around. NINE.

If that’s not enough to prove anything, I got a call from my friend-with-benefits who informed me that for the last few days he’d been talking with his ex. That he had decided he might, maybe, get back with her.

I cracked up laughing the moment I heard it.

Mostly because I had had nine people from my past already reappear and knew it was in the air, but also because it was almost the exact same storyline that happened to me during the last spring Mercury retrograde. I wasn’t going to let that story turn into a pattern so I said boy, bye, and good luck with your ex.

I’m not going to say it won’t work out with an ex, but here is what I’m going to say.

When you contact an ex or they contact you I’d suggest taking some time to do that whole review process thing. Write down what it was that attracted you, what repulsed you, why did it end? What can you do to find the good things in someone else who doesn’t possess the bad things that made the end happen?

For example, I’d like to find someone who can challenge me intellectually but not manipulate or gaslight me. What an idea!

I could keep going with this but you get the gist.

Broad City Collection

Have people from your past returned recently? How did you handle it? Are you currently texting your ex? You better hope Mercury retrograde fucks with your phone if you are because you don’t need to add that extra drama to your life. Get out a journal and write the stuff down, don’t dredge them through the muck of it with you again.

Weird Sex Wednesday: When He’s a Coldhearted Snake

anger and boundaries

Love, Anger, Boundaries

or

Learning to Let Go, Learning to Draw the Line

This morning I woke up with this Paula Abdul song stuck in my head:

“He’s a coldhearted snake lookin into his eyes
Oh, oh he’s been telling lies
He’s a lover boy at play
He don’t play by the rules oh, oh, oh
Girl don’t play the fool now”

Why did I wake up with this song in my head? Probably because my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something. It’s basically the most fitting song in the world for my current situation. My situation being that the guy I had been seeing prefers to play the villain than behave like an actual man. It’s unfortunate because I thought he was more interesting than that, but I should have known he was a snake when I picked him up.

Here’s something that I learned though.

This morning I read this post that said:

“Your anger is a sign that someone has crossed a boundary. Your anger will subside as soon as the space between the two of you is correct and appropriate again.”

Dudes, I was PISSED. Like, I was so mad I actually yelled and I never yell. (I mean, sometimes I talk really loudly when I’m drunk but that’s just because all my other friends talk really loudly and I am just trying to be heard.) Anyway. I could feel my blood boil. I could feel that feeling where you just want to scream and punch stuff and maybe stab a guy in the neck. Ha.

The anger came because he crossed my boundaries. I let him in too quickly. I let him get closer than I should have and he had done nothing to earn it. I gave him full access when I should not have.

It’s important to remember that not everyone gets to have full access. That people will continue to show you who they are. People also tell you who they are. How many times have you hung out with someone who says, “I’m an asshole!” And how do they always end up being? They end up being an asshole. This guy said he was Satan. So, there we go.

keep the passion alive. Use code LDR to save!

Each one of us has the power to allow people in or not, and to whatever degree if we do. It’s okay to be angry. The anger is telling you something. It’s telling you to act. To fix it. To draw a new line. After this, the anger will most likely reside because the person no longer is allowed to behave that way in your presence (or perhaps the new boundary is your new lack of presence in their life).

All in all, you get to decide whether or not you want to play with snakes or would rather have them slither up to someone else.

For me, well, I’ve never really been a snake person.

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday: Can A Relationship Be Repaired When Trust is Broken?

overcoming a betrayal in a relationship

Lies, Manipulation, and Love Built to Die

Or

There’s Good Reason Why So Many Of Us Have Built a Wall Around Ourselves

Recently I had my heart ripped out of my chest again. My best friend has told me on countless occasions that I trust people too easily. I know she is right, but I also have never been able to overcome this trait I have. Regardless of whether I’m making a new friend or developing a new romantic relationship, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I trust them until they prove to otherwise be untrustworthy. This is not uncommon behavior, most of us do this. Why wouldn’t we do this? There has to be some faith in both the self and the other that the bonds that are being built are being built on solid honest ground.

And yet, it’s so interesting how quickly a good relationship can turn bad when that trust we hand over so easily shatters.

The question is, can it be repaired?

Of course, it can, we even can see examples in mainstream media every day, see Beyonce and Jay-Z, Hillary and Bill, etc.

The deeper question comes down to whether or not both parties involved really want to repair it.

Discover Fifty Shades Darker

When someone does something hurtful to someone else the person being hurt has to understand that this is not a reflection of who they are, but a question of who the other person doing the hurting is.

How good was the relationship prior to this pain? Are both of you willing to do the work to overcome it?

Of course, I can’t help but feel duped, humiliated, made to look stupid. The thought of going through those feelings again is enough to make me run far far away and never look back. It’s not that I can’t forgive him for his terrible behavior–I can. I’m questioning whether I can trust myself to give him another chance and risk going through all of those emotions again. I’m not a big fan of those emotions, who is? I think of what my friends would do, would say to me. I think of what I’d say to my friends if something similar happened to them and I know I’d tell them to tell the guy to “fuck off,” (which I actually did do, quite loudly at 5 am in the morning but that’s a digression).

I think of the future. I think, what if I forgive this guy and he does it again? Not only would I be mad at myself but I’d be embarrassed, ashamed for being so easily manipulated.

I don’t understand liars. I’ve always been way too honest, to a fault even. My lack of a filter has gotten me in trouble many many times, yet I prefer it to living any other way. Sometimes I forget how other people don’t do this. How other people so often lie to get what they want.

That’s the other thing that confuses me. Why lie to get what you want? And what benefit does it serve to lie to the person you like romantically? If you’re so comfortable with that that you’re no longer interested in being with them, why not just break it off? If you’re so bored that you want to be with someone else after a month why not just say “girl, bye?” If you want to do whatever you want and get away with it, why be in a relationship at all?

The thing is you can’t do whatever you want when you’re in relationships with other people. Not if you care about them anyway. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the thing you don’t really want to do, whether it’s going to their company’s BBQ even though you hate all their coworkers, making breakfast even though you’re both dying of a hangover, or you know, not hitting on their roommate even if the roommate is so damn cool and fine. It’s called basic human decency. Relationships require that as a bare minimum.

So yeah, here I am, in kind of a conundrum.

There were so many good things happening and I miss that, I miss him, I miss us. Yet, I can’t be with a liar. I can’t be with someone who does whatever he wants with no regard for the other person. If he can prove that that is not who he is at his core (or his surface even). If he could actually do the work, show real remorse and take positive action to repair all this then maybe.

Yet, then again, maybe I’m too easy and need to learn how to be a bit “more hard”.

Masturbation Monday: More Than Two Book Review

more than two an ethical guide to polyamory

A Review of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Or

Can Non-Monogamy Work and Can Any Book Actually Help People Get There?

First of all, let’s get this out of the way. I started exploring the concepts of non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships many years ago. You can read a plethora of articles on these topics from when I wrote for elephant journal way back in the day.

At this point in my life I can not claim to be polyamorous nor can I claim to be monogamous.

I am somewhere in the middle.

Recently, I even had a boyfriend for all of about ten days; we had made an agreement that we could still have random casual sex on occasion and that we could also explore group sex together if that sort of event became available. Unfortunately, we never got to that point before some incidents occurred in which we are now in different time-out corners (perhaps I’ll go into this a bit more after I’ve had more time to process it).

Anyway, I know quite a few polyamorous people and as someone who is trying to create my own relationship scripts, it’s interesting to see what and how other people do romantic and intimate relationships.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory is one of those poly-classic books. There are people who live by its every word; people who take certain parts and apply those; and some people who disregard all the information in it entirely.

I started reading it over ten weeks ago. I am pissed about how long it took me to get through to be perfectly honest. Mostly, because I had started the year attempting to read a book a week and now I am ten books behind. I won’t blame it entirely on the book itself. The summer heat didn’t help. Nor did my budding romance.

So here we are now, finally.

What did I think?

Is it worth the read?

Would I recommend it to polyamorous beginners?

What about non-poly people?

Yes and no to all of that.

The book is broken into five parts. Regardless of whether you’re non-monogamous, open, closed, polyamorous, gay, straight, pansexual, etc. I believe that everyone should at least read Part Two: A Poly Toolkit. This section is all about understanding the self, diving deeper into the art of communication, and living with integrity.

The authors (Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert) make many excellent points in this section of the book that resonate with improving any and all types of relationships.

What I’ve learned through my own experiences is that it doesn’t matter if you’re dating one person or 10; if you have weak communication skills you’re going to have weak relationships.

Communicating well is not easy either. I surely have plenty of work to do, but I’m at least acknowledging where I’m at; I can see the gaps. I can admit I’m not close to being perfect. More Than Two goes into communication failures and strategies + additional resources to help people continue to work on it.

If you are a polyamory beginner the book does offer decent information on many of the issues that are likely to arise. Personally, I think it’s a bit long and would recommend reading over the sections when you come to it in your reality as opposed to trying to cram all the information in your brain at once.

There are elements of polyamory that I am drawn to, such as creating a community of intimate friends, writing our own scripts of how relationships can work; sharing joy and love and dinner (clearly I’m hungry right now). But there are plenty of other things I am not drawn to; like the drama; all the talking and talking and talking; and the super-packed schedules trying to fit everyone in when there are only so many days in a week.

Perhaps I’m just a bit bitter right now because I’m having my own personal issues happening that are leaving me exhausted. Like, I can’t even get one relationship to work right, the thought of adding more to the pile makes me want to go live like a hermit in a cave somewhere far away. And you know, someone did write about a guy who did that, you can read my review of The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit on my other blog here.

What are your thoughts on More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and / or polyamory in general. Comment below or send me an email to discuss in more depth!

Buy your own copy of  More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory here.

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Tits Out Tuesday: The Problem With Casual Sex

the problem with casual sex

Fuck Who You Wanna Fuck

or

Be Who You Wanna Be

I follow a bunch of random pages on Instagram. It pretty much runs the spectrum from hedonism to cute puppies all the way to new-age spirituality bullshit and of course, alien conspiracies. The other day I saw several posts come up into my feed that all centered around the same concept– that casual sex is an energy suck.

Most of the posts read something like this:

“Everyone is too busy just having sex for pleasure with no connection. They’re going to lose their chance to find someone real because of their sexual desires (demons) …”

The concept stems from the idea that when you give a part of yourself to someone who has no intention of returning anything you give–you are transferring your energy into emptiness and soon you will also be empty inside.

I’m still trying to wrap my brain around this idea.

I think for the most part this idea is bullshit.

Is there an actual problem with casual sex?

Yes.

The problem is people who have a problem with it.

If you have a problem with it, then it’s not for you and that’s okay. But, if it’s not your thing that doesn’t mean it’s not for other people. And the only way you lose your energy is by choosing to give it to someone else.

Is it possible to continue creating connections with people AND also participate in casual sex? Perhaps it’s only for people who are capable of separating the meanings of experiences. Not every sexual encounter is about intimacy or spiritual bonding. Sometimes it’s just about enjoying pleasure for pleasure’s sake. If people are going around ONLY seeking pleasure ALL of the time, perhaps they’re all empty on the inside. Or maybe pleasure is just easier for them? Maybe they haven’t gotten to the point where they’re ready for a deeper, closer intimacy. Is that wrong?

It seems like it should come down to communication. If you’re looking for a connection that’s more than just pleasure, discuss it. Perhaps don’t fuck someone who’s only about the physical act of sex.

When you’re on the same page, it shouldn’t be an energy suck or cause for concern.

One form of sex is not necessarily more real than any other. Of course, when you’re into each other it can definitely make the sex better, but it also depends on your definition of better. So, what I’m getting at here is that I disagree with this new-agey bullshit that says casual sex is bad for the world. I believe that everyone should experience more pleasure and within that pleasure, we will all have better experiences here on earth. Perhaps I’m wrong. I’m okay with being wrong. But perhaps shedding the guilt around sexuality would be more beneficial to our planet than continuing to make people feel bad for the choices they’re going to make.

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Monday Mood: Young Guys v. Old Guys

who cares if the person you're dating is younger or older than you

Am I Into The Age of a Dude or the Actual Dude?

or

What’s in a Number?

I get a lot of online messages that go something like this:

“Hey. Curious if you’re into younger guys?”

Here’s the short answer.

Yes and no.

What I’m into is emotionally mature people.

More on that in a minute.

There was an article that came out several years ago (which I’m not even going to bother to try to find) but I will tell you what it said. It said that the “perfect” age range for heterosexual couples is 5 years, with the woman being younger than the man. According to this research this is due to the fact that the man has “matured” enough to appear “manly” to the woman. And the man can feel smarter, more knowledgeable and protective or some shit like that.

First of all this is just complete and total bullshit.

There is no “perfect” age and there is no way to determine maturity level, intelligence, emotional intelligence or the able to provide security based solely on how old a person is. I’ve met super mature 24-year-olds and super immature 40, 50, 60+ year olds.

Regardless of your sexual orientation, age is almost an irrelevant factor. Of course, I mean this in the legal age of consent situations.

Yes, if there is a BIG gap between when the two of you were born there could be relatability issues, but these could also be huge learning experiences for both of you.

I might not know who Buddy Guy is, but what if I take the time to listen and that music changes my life?

An older guy may not know what “ghosting” is but wouldn’t that actually be kind of nice to not have to deal with that millennial bullshit?

Here’s the deal.

If you have to ask if a person is “into younger guys” or older guys or black guys or fill-in-the-blank then you’re basically casting yourself into a stereotype and moving yourself away from your individuality.

This is something I am not into.

Here’s what I’m into.
Emotional Maturity.

Here’s what that looks like:

When you’re emotionally mature you are confident in who you are.

You understand your needs, wants, desires.

You are able to communicate when something feels good and also when something feels bad.

You have boundaries and you stick by them.

You can admit to being wrong.

You are capable of putting another person’s needs before yours.

You’re able to ask for and receive help.

You’re grateful for the things you have.

You take the time to think about who you are and who you want to be.

You make strides to become who you want to be and give other people the space and encouragement to do the same.

I’m into that.

I don’t really care if you’re 22 or 47.

Would I prefer to fuck a younger guy v. an older guy?

Not necessarily.

I USED to be super into younger guys, but then I realized that older guys know how to eat pussy. And WHY would I want to waste my time with someone who can’t or doesn’t want to or isn’t eager to learn?

I’d prefer someone on my level of both skill in the bedroom AND outside of it, it’s just more fun all around.

So, if you feel the yearning desire to ask a person if they’re “into ____?” perhaps consider who you are that’s beyond your age or race or gender and try that approach instead.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Burning Man and the Hottest Sex I Have Ever Had

denmark and hot hot sex guy

Burning Man and Hot Sex with a Guy From Denmark

or

Sweat, Slobber, & Sex Times in the Desert

It’s been so hot lately in Denver, like 90+ days, but these sun-filled days compare not at all to the 11 days I spent at my first ever Burning Man experience last year.

Last year was the hottest Burning Man to date and it wasn’t just because I was there (or was it?). It averaged in the 100s every day. The hottest among them was at 108– at least from what we were told (other Burners feel free to tell me otherwise).

As I’ve said many times, it’s hard for me to separate my Burning Man stories because they all blur together like one fucking long day. And when I say fucking long… I mean that literally.

But, here I shall try because it’s Weird Sex Wednesday and the topic of today’s post is all about the hottest most sweat-fueled sex romp I’ve ever had.

Our camp was hosting a morning Bloody Mary / Manmosa Bar (vodka + mimosas, like vodka is a manly drink, but I digress) so I booked it across the playa walking my broken bike about a mile (in non-burner terms) across the dusty roads (other stories occurred during this walk but I will spare you).

It was hot. I’ll tell you that. It wasn’t even 9 am (probably? Who wears watches these days?!) and it was already reaching 90 degrees.

I went back to the camp to help my campmates with the bar, which meant, because I was hungover as fuck, that I laid under our shade and drank the bloody marys to make sure they tasted okay.

The line was long and girthy before we even officially opened and that’s when I spotted him. The hottest man I had thus seen at Burning Man (and this was like day 6 or 7 so I had seen MANY). I’m not sure exactly WHY I thought he was hot, it could have been heat-exhaustion because he was wearing ridiculous red pants and ridiculous red furry glasses, but at Burning Man (and everywhere else) I could look past his exterior clothing choices and imagine what he’d look like naked– which was hot, very very hot.

I tapped my campmate on the shoulder, pointed at the hot hot guy, “Damn. Look at him!” I drooled (leaking much-needed liquid out of my mouth accidentally).

“Go talk to him!” she said.

“Fuck that. It’s too hot,” I replied as I sucked down my bloody.

She rolled her eyes.

But the Universe is AMAZING!!! And Burning Man is a magical place because not 30 seconds later, he and his campmates are sitting under the shade with me.
They said they were from Denmark (and now I really want to go to Denmark btw) and that they had a “hotel” at the very edge of the playa (I’ll save the hotel story for a different day). It was Hot Hot Guy’s birthday, technically, because they all still hadn’t slept from the night before and they needed shade.

Since I’m a gift-giving person, I offered them all the shade I had.

Even in the shade, it was fucking hot as fuck so we all started misting each other with these fan misters that are a MUST HAVE at Burning Man when Burning Man is the hottest it’s ever been.

I was next to Hot Hot Guy. He asked if he could spray me. I said, “Duh dude. I’ve been waiting my whole life for a guy like you to get me wet.”

I’m telling you right now that Hot Hot Guy misting me with a cool as fuck fan mister was one of the most orgasm experiences I have ever had in my entire life (and I wasn’t even on DRUGS at this point… or was I? Who can keep track anymore).

The Denmark people and our camp hung out for hours, then we were out of drank so all of his campmates decided to go. He stayed.

We went into my tent.

Now, let me tell you a little something something about my tent.

It’s basically big enough for ONE person, maybe two if you’re children or relatively short.

He was neither of those things.

Neither am I.

But together, we made it work.

We slipped, we slid, we sparkled. We did the sex thing.

We even got so over-heated he had to open the tent to stick out heads out for some fresh 100+ degree cool air.

This was quite literally the hottest and most sweat-producing sex I have ever had in my entire life.

After, we went and found a tent full of giant neon furry pillows and took a nap together (thus ending his birthday). But, the day was beautiful. Oh, so beautiful because I got to look at his face the entire time.

Of course, since I was new to Burning Man I did TRY to find him later. Which, yes, I know, was a rookie mistake and I should have chalked it up to a magical moment in time and left it at that. But it doesn’t hurt a girl to make an attempt (except for the heat exhaustion I got from riding across the playa, but again, different story for a different day).

Sure, sure, it wasn’t WEIRD sex. But it was Burner Sex, which is always going to be slightly weirder than regular not-camping-in-the-desert-with-a-bunch-of-freaks-sex.

P.S.
Yes. I would return to Burning Man if a person would care to be so generous and gift me a ticket.

P.P.S.

I would also willing take a new or bigger tent so I could host MORE THAN ONE within said tent and maybe find one of those battery-powered fans or something.

P.P.P.S.

If you happen to be the Hot Hot Guy from Denmark who from what I can recall is currently  living in New York feel free to email me and tell me if I got this story right (and/or make plans to do it again.)

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Do You Feel Worthy Enough To Handle The Rejections From Dating?

worthy of rejection

Tits Out & Truth Bombs Tuesday

Or

Some People Can’t Handle Your Worthiness

I couldn’t sleep last night. I felt sad and disappointed about my current state in love, dating, life.

I know it’s difficult for some of you to believe, but I’ve been rejected quite a bit lately.

(The most recent by a guy who claimed he really liked me, was totally into me; told me to text him then didn’t respond for nine days. Only to tell me when he did finally respond that he had hooked back up with his ex and has now decided to get back together with her. But… he still “wants to be friends.” #coolcarrot)

Dating can be a struggle for everyone, even people who are expert daters. One reason why I’m an expert dater is because of all the rejection, both to and from me.

It’s hard out there. And I’m not talking just about boners.

In the book I’ve been reading (More Than Two), the authors write:

“Even the healthiest person, when persistently rejected, will hurt.”

And it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel sad or angry or disappointed when something doesn’t work out with someone, particularly when so many possibilities had felt so possible. Yet, I know that I am worthy of great, loving, thoughtful, intimate relationships. I know what I am capable of giving back to other people. I know how much love is already in my life, which helps me from spiraling all the way down into a bottomless pit of despair.

I also know that I have to feel the sadness. Because if I don’t feel it, it will bottle up and turn into something really ugly that no one, including myself, wants to see.

Here are some questions that I have been asking myself, perhaps they will also help you if you’ve recently been rejected.

  • What do I bring to others’ lives? (In friendships, family, and romance)
  • What love is already in my life?
  • What have I learned from these recent dating experiences?
  • How can I apply these learnings to create better relationships in the future?
  • What do I really want and what can I truly give?

I am so grateful to all of you who have been reading/watching/enjoying/following this blog. To tell you the WHOLE truth, starting this blog kept me from killing myself. I understand that that sounds dramatic, but I was in a pretty dark place a couple of months ago; my creativity was stifled, I didn’t know what I wanted, I was drinking and doing too many drugs.

Now at least my creativity isn’t stifled and I know what I want 🙂

Rejection is one of the costs of dating. It can be painful, but perhaps we can all look rejection more as a type of growing pain than something specifically directed at you as a person. Everyone is out there looking for different things and we can’t also be the one to give those things to another.

As they say:

“The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.”

I’m not expert at any of this, but I have had many and plenty of experiences. I’m going to continue onward, knowing the difference between needing and wanting someone… knowing what I can give and knowing what I’m willing to take. Knowing that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in a relationship with you, but they are still beautiful wonderful people who deserve love and fulfillment.

Rejection is alright.

Because in the end, even when we lose, we win.

happy sad crying
Look! I cried a tear. Not because of rejection but because I thought of all the love I already have in my life and it made me so happy I cried.

Pre-coffee / Pre-process of emotions / early morning wake-up video / honestly have no idea what I even say on this but didn’t want you all to think I’m hiding shit from you. . .

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Ghosts, Ghosting, Being Ghosted

when someone doesn't text you back

Ghosting. The art of not texting back.

Ghosting. The art of ignoring someone’s text forever, like ya dead.

Ghosting. Pretending to not exist so you feel no guilt about not liking someone and thus never texting them back.

Ghosting Part 1: Why People Ghost

Almost any single person who has a cell phone and has casually dated has ghosted or been ghosted. At this point, it’s as common as the one night stand itself.

Of course, there could be other reasons why the person isn’t texting you back.

Here are 5 potential (legit) reasons for texts not being returned.

  1.  Their phone is dead. (This can and does happen, but how long can a person without a phone in these modern times, one day, two… a week maybe?)
  2.  Their phone died and they lost all their contact information (ugh, have you heard of facebook stalking?!)
  3.  Someone stole their phone and sold it on eBay.
  4.  They decided to go on a silent retreat.
  5.  They traveled to the middle of nowhere and they have no cell phone reception.

Sure, sure, any of those events are plausible. But, if you text a person and they do not respond within a few days they are either ghosting you or you are in no way a priority in their busy busy lives.

9 Reasons Why a Person Would Ghost Another Person

  1. As the stupid fucking self-help dating book once said (a million times) perhaps they’re “just not into you.”
  2. They’re chicken-shit and don’t know how to say they’re not interested.
  3. They have no idea HOW to text.
  4. They saw the text, responded in their head, but forgot to do it in reality, and then they were embarrassed and decided to never talk to you again.
  5. They discovered you were actually a crazy person and thought it best to slowly back away and ignore.
  6. You’re just not very interesting and they don’t have time for you.
  7. They don’t have time for you even though you are very interesting.
  8. The person is an asshole.
  9. The person actually died.

All of these things can and do happen. But, what do you do when you’re on the (not) receiving end of a Ghost?

Ghosting Part 2: How to Overcome the Ghost

Sure, yes, it sucks to be into someone and for them to not give you the attention you want back in the time-frame you expect their attention to return to you. Yet, here is my advice to you (and to myself… because yeah, I have gone through this too).

Put your phone down.

Go do something else.

Quit fucking caring about getting validation from someone else.

I know it’s easier said than done.

Once you start doing it though, it gets WAY easier and you’ll feel better overall anyway separating from the technology that keeps you down. Binds you to the constant scroll, the constant need for other people to pay attention to you.

If someone doesn’t text you back, it’s on them, not you.

It doesn’t matter the reason. It could be valid or it could be stupid regardless it’s not a reflection of who YOU are, it’s a reflection of them.

If you desire more attention, if you want someone involved in your life and that Ghost wants to be dead to you, let them be dead.

Fuck them.

You don’t need to deal with the dead when being alive is hard enough as it is.

Ghosting: Bonus Part 3: A Better Way to Ghost

Finally, from my own personal experiences with ghosts and ghosting, I do my best to tell a person, “hey, I didn’t really feel a connection, but it was great meeting you. Good luck out there.” Then of course, if they continue to text me I will ghost. I will also accidentally ghost from time to time (see #4 and #8 and prob #6 or #7). I try not to beat myself up about it. I try to just carry on. As we all should.

RIP ghosts. RIP.

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