What is the Root Cause of Cheating?

why people cheat

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater, Not Exactly.

Cheating–it’s a touchy subject, but a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time. Admittedly, I have cheated, been cheated on, and been the person who someone has cheated on someone else with. Does this mean that I live in a valueless world full of people who have no morals? Maybe. Though, not exactly.

Are only people who have no values the ones who cheat? No. Plenty of mostly morally-okay people have been known to dip in where they don’t belong.

Is cheating just a whim brought on by desire to fulfill sexual needs? Seems much more rare than mainstream movies would have you believe.

Of course, there are a plethora of reasons why a person cheats. They could do it because they’re bored. They could do it because they’re lonely within a stagnant relationship. They could do it because they’re a sociopath who cares not about the damage they’re creating. They could do it because they’re selfish or stupid or because they think they can get away with it.

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But what seems to be at the root of many cheating scenarios is a flirtation with freedom, a renegotiation of self, a statement that says, ‘no one owns me,’ or ‘see, I can still do what I want.’ In a way, it’s the creation of an ‘out.’

If I do this terrible thing then I can get out of this relationship at any time. All I’d have to do is come clean.

This “secret” is more of a key that will unlock the door to the possibility of no longer being in the relationship they’re in.   

Why do people do this?

Fear. Insecurity. Not fully trusting themselves. Not investing 100% in another because they think deep down that they could never truly be loved. Causing pain before the other person can cause it first. An upper hand. A backup plan.

In other words, self-sabotage.

We see it often in relationships where one person is too clingy; we see it in relationships where one person is too distant. And honestly, that line is a fine one. Every person has their own level of need, space, attachment. Can we blame it on that, no. But, we’re talking about root causes of human behavior, we’re not talking about whether it’s a good or bad choice.   

Yet, just because a person cheats on another person does not mean they do not love the person they’re in a relationship with. This culture puts almost too-much weight on fidelity–hence why people use it as an out.

As anyone who has used Tinder can attest, it is possible to have sex without attachment.

Vice versa to that, it’s possible to have attachment without sex.

And even going further, it’s possible to be in love with someone you have sex with and also have sex with people you’re not in love with.

The core of the issue is not about sex. It’s the value-systems in place. Can I trust this person? Will this person abandon me? Can I rely on this person to be there for me to help when I need it, to celebrate my wins? Etc.

So cheating, in essence, is more a violation of these values. Is there a way to hold those values and have sex with other people? Certainly.


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I’ll explore more of the topic of cheating to come. It’s a complicated one, full of twists and turns.

Join my Patreon for exclusives AND stay tuned for a Freaky Fan Friday cheater confession that you’ll only see there!

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Loving Being Alone v. Longing in Love

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday

Is it Better to Be Alone or to Be in Longing?

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with love. Most people who aren’t in romantic relationships are in a sort of perpetual continual search for “the one,” while many who are with someone are in a continuous state of questioning whether the one they are with is “the one.”

To love ourselves is hard work, to love someone else is even harder.

To love someone who doesn’t love us back the way we want them to love us is torture.

Either way, whether you’re alone, in longing, or in reciprocal love there will always be pain.

The question comes down to what kind of pain can you most tolerate?

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When you’re alone the pain seems to often manifest as boredom, a feeling of not being connected, accepted, understood. The pain of always having to make yourself happy.

When you’re in reciprocal love there’s the pain of frustrations, compromises, continual communication, perhaps irritation from being around someone all the time. The annoyance of not being understood by someone you thought understood you more than anyone else.

Longing for love is completely misery, anxiety, fear. It’s a desperation close to walking through the desert without any water. Fantasy

Of course, with the pain there is also pleasure.

Alone you have your freedoms. You have the capability to explore more of your own internal workings, to come to peace with your quirks and idiosyncrasies, to be weird without anyone else being able to judge it.

Reciprocal love gives both people added joy to their days and sex, let’s not forget about that.

Longing in love creates a world of fantasy. You can imagine a whole alternative world where you live happily ever after and within that fantasy you might be better off than in any reality of being with the actual person.

Because the truth of the matter is that along with all of our positive traits we all have flaws and annoying behaviors. These can range in scope from something as insignificant as smacking our mouths together when we eat to even bigger issues like avoidant behavior or straight up manipulation.

There’s the running argument that people need to be with other people. We’re pack-animals. Tribal. Our survival rests on each of us contributing, helping, supporting each other. Yet, how much of this needs to happen in a romantic way? In a monogamous way?

Would it be so bad to be alone yet have intimate non-sexual relationships with friends and family? Maybe we’ve all been approaching this all wrong? Perhaps we’re obsessed with the concept of love because we’re so bombarded by it every day? We’re bombarded by it because it creates such a huge distraction from dealing with our own shit. We’re bombarded with it because it helps keep our society running from the obvious reproductive side to the financial side of everything that goes into dating and marriage (fitness, appearance cost, dinners, houses, gifts, parties, booze etc).

If we all stopped collectively being obsessed with finding the one, if we let go of our longing for that which would never really work anyway, would that completely change our cultural landscape? And would that shift be better or worse?

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It definitely wouldn’t hurt to take a step back and reevaluate it all that’s for sure. When we remove ourselves from the center of the situation it is often much more easier to see what’s really going on. Sure, love is a beautiful way of being but there are many ways to do it and it just might be time to try some alternative ways.

More thoughts on getting over longing, from this deer.