I Was Wrong Again: Thoughts on Love and Loss

I’ve never really understood love, perhaps that’s why I haven’t found it?

or

Maybe love has been here all along?

Yes, I admit I was wrong. Yet,  also, I wasn’t wrong. It wasn’t that I was right either, it just is what it is. I was angry and hurt and didn’t react in a loving way but from a place of fear. Maybe it was the fear that I may never be in a loving relationship with another person ever again in my life. Then I, of course, remembered that I will ALWAYS be in a loving relationship and least with myself and the universe as a whole.

The most important thing I took away from this past hot-mess mini-relationship is how good it feels to be one’s whole self. When you put that into the world you’ll get it in return. People may not love the whole of me (or even the holes of me), there are times when I myself don’t love certain things about me, but I love that I’m growing and learning and trying a little bit harder every day.

I love that I have the capability to love someone else and through these experiences I am learning how to do that without attachment. I’m clearly not perfect at it. It’s easy to love another person when they’re doing and saying all the right things, but can you love them when they’re being an asshole too? Can you love them when they don’t want to love you back? Can you give them the space they need to be their best possible version of themselves even if it doesn’t include you?

I can do this whole loving thing alone (thank you vibrators!) but it’s way more fun to do it with other people. I’m grateful that so many people have taught me so many things about who I am, who they are, what love is and isn’t, and I’m excited for new possibilities to unfold–as they always do.

Also. I found the clip from Adaptation.

“I loved Sarah Charles. It was mine. I owned it. And Sarah didn’t have the right to take it away.  I can love whoever I want.”

“But she thought you were pathetic.”

“That was her business not mine. You are what you love, not what loves you.”

Own it.

P.S. I love pizza so feel free to send some my way whenever you want.

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This Is My Me Too Story

One of My Me Too Stories At least.

Because Sex and Rape are NOT the same thing.

I didn’t want to get so heavy with this website so soon after launching, but this story has stayed with me ever since it happened (way back in my undergrad days).

One of the ways for me to move on, to get back to empowerment, is letting it go. I do not want to hold on to it anymore.

My biggest fear has always been disappointing my family, that’s why I’ve only ever told my closest friends. I also was scared that if I said anything that my dad would find the guy and murder him and then not just my life would be ruined anymore.

I used to hope my rapist would die a brutal death or at least an early death since he killed me when I was so young. Now, I just want him to recognize that what he did was wrong. I want our community and our education system and our family dynamics to recognize that how they brought us up, wasn’t always right. I want them to step up and teach children how to be better adults. The way we treat each other is so often so fucked up.

From now on when we say, “boys will be boys,” I hope that carries a different meaning. I hope it means that they will be respectful, thoughtful, courageous. I hope it means that they will do the right thing. I hope it means that they will learn how to communicate their hopes, desires, wants, and needs in an emotionally mature and honest way.

In grad school I recorded an album and wrote a paper for my graduate thesis (about music being an avenue for change), one of the interludes on the album was about rape. The lyrics went, “everyone woman has a rape story, every woman’s been raped.”

My thesis board, a group of three feminist women, said they didn’t understand the song. Not ALL women have been raped. I explained to them that it wasn’t a song, it was an interlude and that it meant if one of us is raped, we all are. We are all connected on this planet, everything impacts everything else. We should work to end each others’ suffering. We should work to rise above the violence.

Pleasure over pain.

Thank you for listening to my story.

I prefer to talk about other things and plan to do that now that this is finally over.