Where Have All the Fuckboys Gone?

What happens to fuckboys during a lockdown?

Quarantine and chill? Better not with a fuckboy. 

First of all, one must sing, “where have all the fuckboys gone” as if they’re singing, “where have all the cowboys gone,” to make any of this work. I assumed you all knew this, but I needed to state the obvious, just in case. 

Let us explore…

I don’t know about you all, but I am curious. What happened to the fuck boys since ‘social distancing’ has become the scenerio of our day to day lives? 

In case anyone needs a refresher, a fuckboy is defined as someone who goes around making sure he gets whatever he wants aka his dick wet, usually at the expense of others, often by lying and manipulating (aka telling people what they want to hear). 

Fuckboys may act like they’re really into you only to ghost you for months than somehow return from the dead in order to get their dicks wet again with claims of having ‘been busy,’ which is just code for them fucking other people in a similar fashion. 

They come in all shapes and sizes, all ages, political and social demographics, they may even claim to be spiritual or ‘woke,’ but that’s just another ploy to help them get laid. (I’ll go into the “woke” fuckboy dilemma another time as it’s an issue all unto itself.) 

Back in the 1970s, some unwoke white dude politician said that when it came to defining porn, ‘you know it when you see it.’ Well, the truth is, the same can be said for fuckboys. (You might not know it right away, because fuckboys are great at what they do, but it does become quite clear within one day’s time.) 

There are actually lots of different definitions of a fuckboy, here are 27 hilarious ones from Thought Catalogue.   

So, where have the fuck boys gone? Could this possibly be a case of them all disappearing because they finally realized the world doesn’t want or need them anymore? Could we be so lucky?

Doubtful. 

I know that there may be some fuckboys reading this thinking, what? Why does no one want a fuckboy? Why do we exist if no one wants us? I mean, the same could be said for herpes or mosquitos or those orange candy peanuts. Just because something exists doesn’t mean it’s good or good for you. 

No one wants a fuckboy because they are horrible creatures. 

Let’s be clear, this is not to say that people do not want casual sex. There are plenty of people who do. Two people can openly and honestly agree that they only want something casual, that does not make a fuckboy, that makes two people communicating and agreeing upon the same thing.

But, there are also a lot of people who do not want casual sex and a fuckboy will pretend that he wants something meaningful too, a connection too, a relationship too, until he gets his dick wet and quickly bounces to the next conquest. 

In other words.

Fuckboys are slim. 

Fuckboys fucking suck.

At least during this quarantine you can spot a fuckboy way quicker, way easier. You know because if you match with a fuckboy on an online dating app, they will try to meet you THAT VERY DAY. They give little fucks about social distancing or lockdown etc. they only care about their immediate needs. Some fuckboys will even slide into your DMs and try to get you to meet up with them that way.

They’re losing steam. They’re running out of options.

Will they die if they can’t stick their dicks in something? Maybe? We can all pray that they do — at least that they lose that selfish part of themselves and turn from fuckboys into humans. 

I am uncertain of where all the fuckboys have gone.

Some are definitely still out there trying to get inside stuff. My suggestion: do not let them in. Let them wither away. Let them suffocate. Or if you’re friendlier than me, let them ride off into their last sunset like retired cowboys fading into the night.  

Direct advice to fuckboys:

Fuckboys turn to ghosts and stay fucking dead, you ain’t Jesus, no one needs your second coming (your first was not OMG worthy either). Fuckboys, bye.

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5 Ways to Ease Your Sexual Frustration During Quarantine

Sexually Frustrated During Quarantine?

5 Things That Can Help Ease Sexual Frustration

You know, when I moved from Denver to rural Kansas I knew my sex life was going to take a big hit (or lack of hits, I guess haha). But I was unprepared for this sort of quarantine drama. It’s way different when you purposely abstain because you’re looking for something more meaningful or you’re tired of getting pumped and dumped or you’re seeking God or whatever, but to be single and not being able to get laid, makes a person WANT it all the more. Or maybe it’s just me. But I’ve talked to a few people and I’m pretty sure it’s not just me. 

It has gotten a bit out of control, what was once a thought about sex every 25-63 seconds has now gotten up to be hover more around like 7 seconds. And the thoughts are getting weird. Pornhub searches are getting weirder (hear about them on my Patreon); the things, ideas, people I’ve considered humping when this is all over has really gone off the deep end. I even thought that Arnold Schwarzenegger looked good and I have never been into that much muscle. 

In reality, I know that this time will fly by like a wink of an eye, and I understand that springtime brings with it its own extra element of procreational desires–the owls are hooting–the turkeys are gobbling–the bulls are strutting– all the wild life are running around doing it, tis the season. 

So, what do you do if you’re sexually frustrated and in quarantine? What if you can’t wank off or you’ve wanked off so much you’re starting to cause physical damage? Or it’s just become so boring yet the energy hasn’t gone away? Well, you’re in luck. I’ve put together a list:

5 things to Do with Your Pent Up Sexual Energy

  1. Sit and Don’t Think About What You’ve Done

Aka meditate. I know, at first it sounds counter-intuitive, if you’re having wild sex thoughts, craving sex, getting turned on by the craziest people, ideas, things, etc. that sitting around doing nothing about it would be the worst idea ever. But, running away from the issue isn’t going to help either. The concept is to turn into the craving, not necessarily succumb to it, but feel the feeling of it and recognize it as just that, a feeling. And like every other feeling, let it pass by like a cloud in the blue blue sky. 

  1. Move it or Lose It aka Workout

You must let that energy escape somehow. Start with a few jumping jacks, maybe some sit ups, follow-up with a couple of pushups (if your boner doesn’t get in the way). Or go for a long run. Move your body. Move it until you can’t move it anymore if you must. Sweat it out. Do it. Just do it. Oh. yeah. 

  1. Take Cold Showers Every Day

And blow my life away on a dream that won’t come true. (Anyone else a Grease fan?). This one is pretty self-explanatory. Cool off. Or turn up the heat and take care of business again. It may be one of the few places you have privacy (if you live with other people). It will at least give you something to do and ease the smell of living that one pair of gnarly sweatpants you own. 

  1. Play With It

Still sexually frustrated but also bored? There’s never been a better time to bring out your sex toys — or get yourself a new one. I have plenty of articles on the best ones out there, like The Best Sex Toys or Men, Best Sex Toys for Couples, or Best Sex Toys For Any Budget etc. Check out Lelo for some of the best high quality toys around–and change up your typical wank off routine (for women, men, couples and everyone in between). 

  1. Make it or Break It

Most importantly, the best thing to do with your pent up sexual energy is create. Your sexual center and your creativity center are interconnected so if you’re struggling in one area, give attention to the other and you might find a solution. Creating doesn’t have to be for anyone but yourself–whether you decide to write a song or a story or a poem, paint or draw, dance around the room, play music, bake bread (like everyone else seems to be doing)– cover your entire body in googly eyes and walk around the neighborhood spying on everyone– whatever you do, do it for you. It’s all about expressing a part of yourself to yourself–don’t worry what anyone else will think of it. 

So there you have it. 5 ways to make it through this quarantine a little less sexually frustrated. If you have any other ideas please feel free to leave them in the comments below. 

If you need help finding the perfect sex toy for you feel free to send me an email or drop me a message in Instagram.

Also, follow my Patreon for video diaries, pics you won’t see anywhere else, DMs gone wrong and so much more. 

Is Your Carrot a 10 out of 10? Find Out!

Donate & Get Your Carrot Rated

Aka Play the Carrot Challenge

Have you ever wanted someone to take a good look at your carrot and tell you the truth about what they’re seeing? Do you have a weird looking carrot hanging out in the back of your fridge right now? Are you bored? Feel like getting creative? Why not draw or paint a festive carrot and get it rated by a professional?

That’s right, for a limited time only, I, the Carrot Expert, am offering Carrot Ratings to any and all people who make a Donation to the Carrot Fund.

The Carrot Fund not only helps yours truly, but I will donate HALF of all the proceeds to artists, musicians, and service industry people who are now in super struggle mode due to our current world crisis.

That’s right. You send me a donation and a pic or video of your best carrot and I send you back your Carrot Rating—which is based on 10 specific criteria (see rules below).

Going cross-eyed by the girth of this carrot, baby.

So, you want to play the carrot game?

Here are the Carrot Rating Rules

Step 1: Make a Donation

50% of Proceeds will go to Artist, Musicians, Service Industry people /anyone out of work / struggling thru this quarantine.

Send Donations to:

  • Venmo: @Krystal-Fawn
  • Cashapp: $KrystalFawn

Put CARROT FUND + IG name (or email) in Comments

Step 2: Tell Me About It

Send me a message letting me know that you’ve sent the donation.

IG: goeatabiggercarrot

email: goeatacarrot@gmail.com

Once I confirm the donation has been made then I will give you the go ahead to send me over your favorite Carrot pics or video.

This can be the carrot in your pants, in your fridge, salad, on a painting, drawing, tattoo etc.  feel free to get creative (you’ll even get a point for that!)

I’ll take a good look and judge your Carrot according to my Carrot Rating System

You’ll get 1 point (or 0 points) for each of these ten categories:  

  1. Size
  2. Shape
  3. Color
  4. Creativity
  5. Grace
  6. Sense of Humor
  7. Mood
  8. Energy
  9. Hardiness
  10. Donation Amount

The best your carrot can score is a 10/10. Bonus to anyone who makes a SIZEABLE donation, I will add personal commentary about your carrot to the rating sheet. You’ll receive your Carrot Rating within 48 hours (depending on demand I will try my hardest to have them back to you within the same evening). 

Ready to play?

Show me what you got!

Send me those donations (I’m thinking anywhere between $10 and $100 but if you want to go bigger that’s always better IMO)…

Venmo @Krystal-Fawn

CashApp $KrystalFawn

Show me your best carrot (the more creative the better!)!!!