Masturbation Monday: Why Men Wanking Off Is Such an Embarrassment

men having sex with themselves

Choke the Chicken, Flog the Hog, Yank the Crank

or

Male Masturbation Gets the Shaft

I talk about fucking myself ALL the time. Most people do not do this. Most people keep their wanking off stories to themselves. I suppose this makes sense. Most people do not go around talking about how much they enjoy brushing their teeth, what the best toothbrushes are, how to really get in there with the bristles and get that gum disease off. So, I get why it might be a mundane subject to people. Because, yes, masturbation should be part of every person’s daily maintenance just like brushing one’s teeth.

So why is there so much stigma around dudes’ cuffing their carrots?

It probably has something to do with the phallocentrism that pops up all over our earth and of course, let us not forget the patriarchy.

We get it. You have a PENIS! Congrats.

The rest of the world doesn’t need to hear or see or smell anything to do with it. Keep it in your pants! Or take it out, buff the banana, and carry on your day.

You’re horny. You watch porn. You take pics of your dick and send it out to randos hoping one or two may bite–not literally– and send you some sexy pics back.

The stigma stems from TMD. Too much dick.

It’s a culture oversaturated — not by seeing dick necessarily — but by the unseen dicks’ need to shower the world with its creamy milk juice (over and over and over again).

Of course, this stigma makes talking about male masturbation as an art much harder.

For example, guys are not going around discussing tips for better baloney boppin.

Don’t even get me started on the toy industry! There are SOME good toys for the penis, but of course clits & g-spots by far rule this market.

Is talking about male masturbation in a mature way even possible? I don’t know. That’s the other thing about pounding the flounder, it’s almost always portrayed in mass media as something funny. Because the penis is funny let’s be honest. Sure, it’s sexy and hard and like a powerful rod of magic and delight, but still, male masturbation does not have the same sort of appeal as say ass fucking does or even watching a hot girl stick a wet carrot in her mouth.

I don’t know guys. You tell me. This is just round 1 on this topic as I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m relying on YOU to inform me. So comment below or send me an email. Let me know your thoughts on the stigma surrounding teasing the weasel.

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Woman Eats Banana For Health Reasons

healthy eating done wrong

Watch This Woman Eat a Banana

or

This is the weirdest way to eat a banana ever displayed on the internet

For 30 years I hated bananas. Then one day I went to a gong bath, which is a sound healing event where you lie on the floor for 90 minutes while someone plays a gong. During the gong bath I had this really weird trip, snakes were entering my mouth and vagina, slithering into my arms and legs, I wasn’t scared while it was happening even though I am deathly afraid of snakes in real life. The next day, I went to work and there was a pile of fruit on the snack shelf. Some of these fruits in the pile were bananas. I had not eaten a banana since I was about two years old. I didn’t like the smell of them. I didn’t like the texture of them. I didn’t like the taste of them. Yet, after the gong bath my dislike for bananas completely disappeared. I tore into one of the bananas and ate the whole thing without even making a face. Of course, they’re still not my favorite food but I eat them because they’re cheap and they make my nails long and they also sort of look like dicks and that’s funny to me.

Now, I can put pretty much any food in my mouth. The only food I dislike is beets, but I can eat them if I HAVE to, like they’re in a salad or something. I also wasn’t really impressed with pumpkin spiced pickled pumpkin, but how often does a person run into that?

In any event, I decided to film a moment of me eating a banana because it’s weird and I do weird things.

Enjoy.

On this day I ate a banana. Watch it here.

It takes some time to eat an entire banana. Enjoy the End aka Part 2 here.