Phallic Food Asian Noodles

asian noodle recipe

Send These Noods Right Over

The best part of this phallic food asian noodles dish is that you can eat it hot, warm, or cold; any way you have it, it’s delicious. I also like it because it’s a well-rounded addition to the phallic food diet cookbook as it includes 4 major phallic foods: carrots, cucumbers, sausage, and peanuts. The combination creates a plethora of texture and the jalapenos and sauce add a nice kick. 

As someone who lives alone and struggles at times to have the motivation to cook, these phallic food noodles are great to have ready to go in the fridge for whenever hunger strikes. I like to eat mine with chopsticks because it’s good practice, and I could use all the practice I can get because I’ll tell you, I didn’t use chopsticks until I was well into my late 20s. There was only one Chinese restaurant anywhere near me growing up and not only did it make me sick on both occasions that I went, they only had forks. Now, when I go out in public to an asian restaurant I only look sort of awkward instead of all the way awkward–oh the powers of learning, practicing, growing. 

Anyway, now, with this tasty recipe you can grow your stomach and your chopsticking skills all at once! Or just eat it with a fork, either way, you’re welcome.  

Phallic Food Asian Noodles Recipe

What You Need:

  • Half a package of Udon noodles (or noodles of choice)
  • 1 LB Ground sausage
  • 2 medium/large carrots shredded
  • ½ of one Cucumber, peeled and diced
  • 1-2 Jalapenos, diced
  • Half of a red onion, diced 

Sauce

  • 2 tablespoons chili garlic sauce 
  • ⅔ cup of soy sauce
  • 1 tablespoon sriracha 
  • 1-2 tablespoons sweetener of choice (agave, honey, brown sugar etc)
  • The juice of one lime
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic salt
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic powder
  • Pinch of cayenne 
  • Pepper to taste

Toppings (optional}

  • Chopped peanuts
  • Cilantro

What You Do:

  1. Boil a pot of water and cook noodles based on package direction, drain
  2. At the same time, brown the sausage in a skillet over medium heat, drain, set aside
  3. Cook the onion and jalapeño on medium low for about five minutes,
  4. Make sauce by combining all the ingredients in a bowl
  5. Pour sauce into onion, mix, add drained sausage, carrots and cucumber stir, then add to drained noodles, stir some more
  6. Serve in individual bowls and top with peanuts and/or cilantro 
  7. Eat!

Loving what you’re getting so far? Get other Phallic Food diet recipes. Including more like the Gluten-Free Tuna Cucumber Sandwiches.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Want to listen to my interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits? Find it on the Chubstep Podcast here.

Hot Dogs in a Pickle

Trade Your Soggy White Buns for This Juicy Tart Alternative

While I was eating these hot dogs in a pickle, the guy who has been upgrading my internet came to the door to check and make sure it was still working. He was like, ‘oh, guess I caught you eating.’ And I was like, ‘I’m always eating so that’s a likely scenario.’ Anyway, I was telling my friend about how weird it was to have a guy walk in your house while you’re shoving a hot dog stuffed into a pickle into your mouth and he said to me, ‘always make eye contact while eating phallic shaped foods in front of other people’ and I really regret not being weirder when I opened the door.

But… I really need the internet to get the word out to all of your about the Phallic Food Diet so I suppose it was a good thing not to creep out my internet guy too much.

Anyhoo. This recipe is so simple I didn’t really know what to talk about. You literally just cut open a pickle and put hot dog in it. I jizzed it up a bit you know, so it would be more like a recipe. Go as simple or as fancy as you please.

I’m all for replacing buns with pickles, but I will say it’s pretty fucking messy when you’re eating–so bring your own bib.

Hot Dogs in a Pickle Recipe

What You Need:

  • ½ Cup Cream Cheese
  • ½ cup white cheddar cheese
  • ½ teaspoon garlic powder
  • ¼ teaspoon cayenne pepper
  • Salt & pepper to taste
  • 4 large whole pickles
  • Mayo, Mustard, sauerkraut, or horseradish to Drizzle

What You Do:

  1. Make Cream Spread. Stir and combine the cream cheese, cheese, and seasonings in a bowl. 
  2. Cook hot dogs based on package direction or your personal preference. 
  3. Slice triangle out of whole pickle to make slot for hotdog (essentially cut a ¼ of it out without cutting in half).
  4. Slather cream cheese mix on pickle.
  5. Slide in the hot dog.
  6. Top with a drizzle or dollop of either mayo, mustard, sauerkraut, or horseradish. 

Enjoy

Are you getting all you can get from the Phallic Food diet? This was the final recipe from HOT DOG MONTH Check out The Reno Footlong Kielbasa Featuring special guest, Cooking with Julien for more where that came from.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Want to listen to my interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits? Find it on the Chubstep Podcast here.

Sweet Jizz Glazed Carrots

When someone tells you to go eat a carrot now you will have the perfect recipe for just that. These sweet jizz glazed carrots are super simple to make and make a sexy side to any dinner plate. We had them with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes, let me tell you that was TOO much food.

I’m typically not a fan of cooked carrots just straight up by themselves, particularly when they’re sweetened but these didn’t get mushy or weird on me so I can legit recommend them to you all, my carrot loving friends.

Sweet jizz glazed carrots

Ingredients:

One 2 lb bag of carrots, peeled, and cut into quarters

1/4 cup of butter

1/4 cup of honey

1/2 teaspoon Garlic powder

Garlic salt + pepper to taste

One teaspoon ground rosemary OR one tablespoon fresh rosemary de-stemmed, cut or ground in mortal + pestle

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)

What You Do:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F

Get out baking dish (I put foil and cooking spray on mine but you may or may not NEED to that) throw your carrots on the baking dish.

Melt butter + honey + seasonings in pot.

Pour jizz glaze mixture over carrots and then toss those sexy carrots to coat (Alternative. Toss carrots in bowl and then transfer to baking dish to make sure ALL carrots get jizzed on equally).

Bake them for like 40 ish minutes (give or take 5 minutes).

Enjoy putting them in your mouth, chewing, and swallowing.

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Want more carrot recipes?

Check out my Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup