Hot Dogs! Get Your Extra Long Phallic Hot Dogs Here!
Nothing says Phallic Food Diet better than the Original Phallic Hot Dog! Toasted bun smothered in mayo, topped with a crunchy carrot pickle relish. You’ll be surprised by how tasty this actually is. So don’t delay, put that extra long, hot juicy wiener shaped piece of meat in your mouth today.
More hot dog recipes to come all month! If you’d like to be featured for your big and tasty hot dog recipe send it on over to me and I’ll see what I can do with it.
The Original Phallic Dog with Carrot Pickle RelishRecipe
What You Need:
½ cup shredded carrots
½ cup of pre-made pickle relish
Handful of pecans
4 Extra long hot dogs
4 Hot dog bun
What You Do:
Add ½ cup shredded carrots to ½ cut of pre-made pickle relish, throw in nuts if so desired.
Cook hot dogs according to package direction of your choice.
Toast hot dog buns (optional)
Slather buns with mayo. Throw hot dogs on top of buns, top with the relish. Enjoy.
A tribute to the Shamrock Shake with a phallic twist
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m a big fan of the Shamrock shake. I am not however, a big fan of the establishment in which you procure such a delicacy. Thus, I have attempted this adaptation. In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I’ve put together a healthier phallic-food centered recipe (aka a frozen banana) to try. I’m drinking this big banana mint shake right now actually, and it’s mostly good. Feel like it could use something though (probably ice cream haha) so, give it a whirl, and if you come up with an adjustment that makes it tastes EVEN better, let me know. I’ll give you a shout-out and hook you up with a digital copy of the book whenever I get it put together.
Cheers and hope you enjoy your Irish heritage celebration wherever you happen to be!
St. Patrick’s Big Banana Mint Shake
What You Need:
1 overripe large frozen banana
1/4 tsp pure peppermint extract
1 cup milk of choice
1/4 cup frozen spinach
pink of salt
chocolate chips, as desired
What You Do:
Take all the ingredients, throw them into a blender, and blend until completely smooth. If you’d like, you can wait to put the chocolate chips in until the end or not at all. Also, feel free to use green food coloring instead of spinach if you’d like the less healthy version. Pour into glass, top with more chocolate chips if so desired and enjoy.
Banana bread may have already reached its peak but I couldn’t not include it during BANANA month. It’s the perfect go-to recipe when your bananas have gotten ripe–which seemingly happens over night. I made it extra phallic-diet-y by placing a banana right on top and adding nuts. You can use whatever banana bread recipe you want for this delicious breakfast or afternoon snack, but I added one below if you don’t have your own staple one already.
Basic Bitch Banana Bread Recipe with a Phallic Diet Twist
What You Need:
2 to 3 very ripe bananas, peeled (about 1 1/4 to 1 1/2 cups mashed)
+1 peeled (not as ripe) banana for the top
1/3 cup melted unsalted butter
1 teaspoon baking soda
Pinch of salt
1/2 cup sugar
1 large egg, beaten
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups of all-purpose flour
⅓ cup nuts* of your choice, chopped *optional (I used pecans, but walnuts would work well)
What You Do:
Butter a 4×8-inch loaf pan
Preheat the oven to 350°F (175°C)
Mash the ripe bananas with a fork or potato masher in a large mixing bowl, until completely smooth. Stir the melted butter into the mashed bananas.
Mix in the baking soda and salt.
Stir in the sugar, beaten egg, and vanilla extract in separate bowl then mix into the flour. Lightly stir in your nuts.
Pour the batter into your prepared loaf pan.
Place your whole extra banana right on top of the mixture in the pan.
Bake for 50 minutes to 1 hour at 350°F (175°C), or until a tester inserted into the center comes out clean.
Remove from oven and let cool in the pan for a few minutes. Then remove the banana bread from the pan and let cool completely.
Yum! Carrot Hummus. As I continue to create the Phallic Diet Cookbook the more interesting facts I find out the foods that I typically feature. For instance, the carrot. Turns out that cooked carrots are actually more nutritious than raw carrots.
Why all this information?! Well, to justify why I cooked the carrots in this hummus recipe. Sure, it’s an extra step but isn’t it worth that 14% increase in nutrition? Plus, it makes it easier to get blended up.
Feel free to adjust the spices according to your own flavor profile and/or add whatever toppings you enjoy. I like to add spicy stuff to my dips so I blended up some chipotle + adobo sauce but that is kind of a pain in the ass, so sriracha works just as well.
Add nuts for some crunch and you got yourself a tasty (and pretty healthy) little snack. Would also be a hit at covid-friendly social distancing gathering, like a Big Game party, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Go Eat a Carrot Hummus
What you Need:
2 tablespoons olive oil
½ pound carrots, chopped
Big pinch of kosher salt
freshly ground pepper
1 teaspoon cumin
1 teaspoon smoked paprika
½ teaspoon of cayenne
1 15-ounce can chickpeas, drained
4 garlic cloves, finely grated
½ cup of water
¼ cup natural smooth peanut butter
(One or some or all, depending on your personal desires)
+ Whatever you want to dip into this hummus.
What You Do:
Heat 2 Tbsp. oil in a medium saucepan over medium.
Add carrots, season with salt and pepper, and cook, stirring occasionally, until carrots are tender, 6–8 minutes.
Add chickpeas and remaining spices; cook, stirring occasionally, until carrots are completely tender, about 5 minutes.
Let cool slightly.
Transfer carrot mixture to a blender and add garlic, carrot juice, peanut butter, lemon juice, and 4 Tbsp. oil; blend until smooth. Season with salt and pepper to taste.
Add toppings of your choice right before serving.
You can eat it right away or let chill for a couple of hours and/or days.
The best thing about lil weenies is that you can put a whole bunch of them in your mouth at one time. These lil weenies are packed with protein with just a hint of sweet and spicy. My uncle often makes these for Christmas but he uses candied jalapeños, which are delicious. I decided to try them with carrots since this is Go Eat A Carrot after all. They turned out pretty good. Feel free to use either or neither in your recipe. They also have cheese stuffed lil smokies on the market now and those would be a fun, juicy, cream-squirt option to try if you’re into that.
Remember to keep your lil weenies wrapped this holiday season so you don’t have any baby weenies appear nine months from now. I’d suggest condoms for that, not bacon.
Enjoy these mouthgasms! And Happy Holidays!
Wrapped Lil Weenies Recipe
What You Need:
Package of Bacon
Package of Little Smokies
Baby carrots (cut in half)
Foil + Baking Sheet
What You Do:
Pre-heat oven to 325 degrees
line baking sheet with foil and spray with cooking spray
cut your bacon into thirds
Take one of your carrot halves and one of your little wieners and wrap up in one piece of cut bacon. Place seam down on baking sheet. Repeat until baking sheet is full of lil wieners. Dab each wiener with a little bit of honey. Then sprinkle with cayenne pepper.
Bake for 40 minutes until bacon is crispy.
Put on your favorite serving plate. Shove in mouth.
Get more from Go Eat a Carrot including Phallic Food Fun facts, cockless-cocktail mocktail recipes, Just the Tip advice, and one-on-one video consulting on my Patreon.
Spice up your dinner plate with this sexy phallic food sauté. This dish is a super easy + healthy way to add some side dish to your entree. Get almost all your phallic foods in your mouth at once!
What you Need for Phallic Food Sauté:
Knife (I used this french fry cutter thing to give them a fun shape–not required)
½ cup eggplant
½ cup zucchini
½ cup yellow squash
Seasonings of choice (recommended: italian or old bay or creole or cumin + paprika)
What you do:
Slice the eggplant into rounds or dices depending on size of eggplant.
Put in colander. Cover with salt. Let sit for an hour.
Once the eggplant has had sometime to sweat and think about what it’s done. Heat a skillet. Add some olive oil to the pan. Throw in all the vegetables together and saute until they’re a little bit blackened (that’s how I like them anyway) — about 10-15 minutes.
Eat them as a side to your favorite entree OR make it a four-way by heating up a brat, slicing it up and throwing it into the party.
I originally tried using the entirety of all three phallic foods in this sauté. I even had a really big skillet, but it was still too much to sauté all at once. Obviously you can do it in batches if you want to use more than 1/2 a cup at once.
Did you know that the future author of the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook has written a work of fiction? Read her raunchy dark comedy about a woman addicted to meth who is caught in a rather compromising position. Corn Tits Part 1 is out on almost all major e-readers now.
The first recipe for the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook is a delicious and easy to make carrot ginger soup.
I refuse to be one of those people who write a novel before the recipe. I really do not care how much it helps the SEO. You deserve better than that.
So, here is the carrot ginger soup recipe:
Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup
Prep Time: 15 mins
Cook Time: 30 mins
Total Time: 45 mins
Serves 3 to 4
What You Need
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup chopped yellow onions
5-6 garlic cloves, smashed
3 heaping cups chopped carrots
1+ tablespoon grated (or chopped fine) fresh ginger (adjust according to taste)
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
Pinch of nutmeg (optional)
Pinch of cayenne pepper (optional)
4 cups vegetable broth
Sea salt and fresh black pepper
For the Nut & Cream Finish (Optional)
Plain greek yogurt (or non-dairy if vegan)
Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto (recipe to come next week)
What You Do
Get out a large pot. Put it on the stove. Add olive oil to the pot. Turn the heat up to medium.
Add the onions and a generous pinch of salt and pepper. Cook until softened, stirring occasionally, about 5 minutes.
Add the smashed garlic cloves and chopped carrots to the pot and cook about 8 minutes more, stirring occasionally.
Toss in the ginger, apple cider vinegar, the vegetable broth (and nutmeg, cayenne pepper if using). Reduce to a simmer and cook until the carrots turn from hard to soft, about 30 minutes. (Perfect time to make that Pesto if using)
Let cool slightly.
Transfer to a blender. Blend until smooth. (It certainly may not go super smoothly if it all doesn’t fit in blender at once, but it is worth the mess or the potential investment in an immersion blender.)
Once blended you can re-adjust the seasonings to your taste.
Finally, the fun part!
Pour the carrot ginger soup into a bowl. Take a spoonful of greek yogurt and wap it on top of the soup. Top the creamy yogurt with the Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto. Eat. Enjoy. Yum.
Or after you eat your carrots perhaps you will be filling lusty, if that is the case, have you experimented with any new toys lately? Love Honey has Sexy Advet Calendars now. That will give you something to do (toys) or wear (lingerie) like every day for many days to come. Click on image below to discover more!
I talk about fucking myself ALL the time. Most people do not do this. Most people keep their wanking off stories to themselves. I suppose this makes sense. Most people do not go around talking about how much they enjoy brushing their teeth, what the best toothbrushes are, how to really get in there with the bristles and get that gum disease off. So, I get why it might be a mundane subject to people. Because, yes, masturbation should be part of every person’s daily maintenance just like brushing one’s teeth.
So why is there so much stigma around dudes’ cuffing their carrots?
It probably has something to do with the phallocentrism that pops up all over our earth and of course, let us not forget the patriarchy.
We get it. You have a PENIS! Congrats.
The rest of the world doesn’t need to hear or see or smell anything to do with it. Keep it in your pants! Or take it out, buff the banana, and carry on your day.
You’re horny. You watch porn. You take pics of your dick and send it out to randos hoping one or two may bite–not literally– and send you some sexy pics back.
The stigma stems from TMD. Too much dick.
It’s a culture oversaturated — not by seeing dick necessarily — but by the unseen dicks’ need to shower the world with its creamy milk juice (over and over and over again).
Of course, this stigma makes talking about male masturbation as an art much harder.
For example, guys are not going around discussing tips for better baloney boppin.
Don’t even get me started on the toy industry! There are SOME good toys for the penis, but of course clits & g-spots by far rule this market.
Is talking about male masturbation in a mature way even possible? I don’t know. That’s the other thing about pounding the flounder, it’s almost always portrayed in mass media as something funny. Because the penis is funny let’s be honest. Sure, it’s sexy and hard and like a powerful rod of magic and delight, but still, male masturbation does not have the same sort of appeal as say ass fucking does or even watching a hot girl stick a wet carrot in her mouth.
I don’t know guys. You tell me. This is just round 1 on this topic as I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m relying on YOU to inform me. So comment below or send me an email. Let me know your thoughts on the stigma surrounding teasing the weasel.
Also– buy this if you want a good male masturbator: