Masturbation Monday: Why Men Wanking Off Is Such an Embarrassment

men having sex with themselves

Choke the Chicken, Flog the Hog, Yank the Crank

or

Male Masturbation Gets the Shaft

I talk about fucking myself ALL the time. Most people do not do this. Most people keep their wanking off stories to themselves. I suppose this makes sense. Most people do not go around talking about how much they enjoy brushing their teeth, what the best toothbrushes are, how to really get in there with the bristles and get that gum disease off. So, I get why it might be a mundane subject to people. Because, yes, masturbation should be part of every person’s daily maintenance just like brushing one’s teeth.

So why is there so much stigma around dudes’ cuffing their carrots?

It probably has something to do with the phallocentrism that pops up all over our earth and of course, let us not forget the patriarchy.

We get it. You have a PENIS! Congrats.

The rest of the world doesn’t need to hear or see or smell anything to do with it. Keep it in your pants! Or take it out, buff the banana, and carry on your day.

You’re horny. You watch porn. You take pics of your dick and send it out to randos hoping one or two may bite–not literally– and send you some sexy pics back.

The stigma stems from TMD. Too much dick.

It’s a culture oversaturated — not by seeing dick necessarily — but by the unseen dicks’ need to shower the world with its creamy milk juice (over and over and over again).

Of course, this stigma makes talking about male masturbation as an art much harder.

For example, guys are not going around discussing tips for better baloney boppin.

Don’t even get me started on the toy industry! There are SOME good toys for the penis, but of course clits & g-spots by far rule this market.

Is talking about male masturbation in a mature way even possible? I don’t know. That’s the other thing about pounding the flounder, it’s almost always portrayed in mass media as something funny. Because the penis is funny let’s be honest. Sure, it’s sexy and hard and like a powerful rod of magic and delight, but still, male masturbation does not have the same sort of appeal as say ass fucking does or even watching a hot girl stick a wet carrot in her mouth.

I don’t know guys. You tell me. This is just round 1 on this topic as I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m relying on YOU to inform me. So comment below or send me an email. Let me know your thoughts on the stigma surrounding teasing the weasel.

Also– buy this if you want a good male masturbator:

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Kings and Queens and Lovers of Oral Sex, Unite!

eat more carrots and peaches and tacos

Why Kings Should Eat Pussy

or

Another Reason to Stay Away from Marriage in the Patriarchy

I’ve been thinking about this DJ Khaled situation. The one where he says he won’t perform oral sex on his wife because he’s a King and since he’s the King she still has to blow him.

Seems like most of us have the same opinion about this being bullshit.

It wouldn’t be bullshit if he just didn’t like performing oral sex, but the reason he doesn’t do it is because he thinks that she doesn’t deserve sexual pleasure. At least that is the interpretation. Because he provides for her financially that is seemingly good enough for him. Because he provides financially she is “required” to suck his dick. Hmm?! Interesting.

And people can’t seem to follow the concept that marriage and prostitution share similar traits. Oh sure, one is sanctioned Under God and the other I guess technically Under the Devil but getting paid to be with someone is all basically the same thing, whether you’re getting paid to be with someone for a night or you’re getting paid to be with someone for a life.

Neither is wrong necessarily, but it is what it.

I was in a discussion with Tinder date the other night. He claims that marriage is rooted in spirituality. I claim that marriage is rooted in social and financial status. That is, two people married to unite families in order to make more money and boost power. Perhaps we’re both right in our own ways. Maybe we’re both wrong. Yet, married is NOT rooted in love, of course some people get married because of love but that’s not the only reason for marriage in the history of marriage. The king/queen thing is quite interesting, considering we don’t live in that time period anymore.

If you’re using those words symbolically to mean that you are above other people then you’d know that being above other people actually means that you give pleasure and thoughtfulness and kindness to others– particularly to your lovers (and that you don’t actually think you’re above anyone, but that’s a different story).

  1. I don’t know if I could ever get married.
  2. I don’t know if I could ever get married to someone who hated to eat pussy.
  3. I could be with someone who hated to eat pussy but was cool with other people eating my pussy.
  4. If I did ever get married though I’m pretty sure that person would have to love eating pussy as much as I love oral sex.
  5. Maybe I haven’t gotten married or even had a partner in such a long time because no one seems to be capable of rising to my level of sluttiness.
  6. I know you’re out there though. Kings and Queens of Slutsville hit me up, not necessarily to get married but we could pretend to be royalty together for a night.

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This Is My Me Too Story

One of My Me Too Stories At least.

Because Sex and Rape are NOT the same thing.

I didn’t want to get so heavy with this website so soon after launching, but this story has stayed with me ever since it happened (way back in my undergrad days).

One of the ways for me to move on, to get back to empowerment, is letting it go. I do not want to hold on to it in anymore.

My biggest fear has always been disappointing my family, that’s why I’ve only ever told my closest friends. I also was scared that if I said anything that my dad would find the guy and murder him and then not just my life would be ruined anymore.

I used to hope my rapist would die a brutal death or at least an early death since he killed me when I was so young. Now, I just want him to recognize that what he did was wrong. I want our community and our education system and our family dynamics to recognize that how they brought us up, wasn’t always right. I want them to step up and teach children how to be better adults. The way we treat each other is so often so fucked up.

From now on when we say, “boys will be boys,” I hope that carries a different meaning. I hope it means that they will be respectful, thoughtful, courageous. I hope it means that they will do the right thing. I hope it means that they will learn how to communicate their hopes, desires, wants, and needs in an emotionally mature and honest way.

In grad school I recorded an album and wrote a paper for my graduate thesis (about music being an avenue for change), one of the interludes on the album was about rape. The lyrics went, “everyone woman has a rape story, every woman’s been raped.”

My thesis board, a group of three feminist women, said they didn’t understand the song. Not ALL women have been raped. I explained to them that it wasn’t a song, it was an interlude and that it meant if one of us is raped, we all are. We are all connected on this planet, everything impacts everything else. We should work to end each others’ suffering. We should work to rise above the violence.

Pleasure over pain.

Thank you for listening to my story.

I prefer to talk about other things and plan to do that now that this is finally over.