Tell Me If This Is Funny: Hips & Hitachi Magic Wand 

funny hitachi story


My Hips Don’t Lie

Before we begin, let’s take a moment to talk about the history of the Hitachi Magic Wand.

The Hitachi Magic Wand was invented in Japan as an AC-powered wand vibrator to relieve tension, body aches, and sore muscles. It came out onto the market in America in 1968.

I’m not sure if anyone ever used it for its intended purposes.

For over 50 years people, mostly women, but also men, have been using this device as a sex toy.

Hear the joke here!

It is by far the most powerful vibrator I have ever used and I have tried and tested many, many, many. I actually chose to not buy the Hitachi Magic Wand when I first started working as a sex toy saleswoman because I had heard the rumors and I didn’t want it to ruin me.

I was afraid the vibrations would be so intense I would never want to use any other toy ever again, because I’m a high-vibe type of gal. Plus, the thing is big and bulky and I didn’t want to have to carry it around everywhere I went.

Eventually, though I succumbed. Or better yet, a very thoughtful person who follows Go Eat a Carrot bought it for me to test out (feel free to buy me something to test out too here). And my life was changed.

I love the Hitachi Magic Wand, just like I knew that I would. Of course, I still have other favorites, like the Lelo Sona Cruise and the We-Vibe Tango, but those are stories for other days.

Let me get to the point.

A couple of mornings ago I had gotten back from a yoga class, I had showered and was resting peacefully in my bed. I decided that I should masturbate. I wasn’t that turned on, but it seemed like I should get it out of the way in case I became turned on later and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I whipped out the Hitachi.

As I turned on Pornhub and started going at it, I realized that my hips were quite sore.

I tried to ignore it.

But the more I vibrated, the more my hips were like WTF?

It was at this point that my true age was revealed. I was no longer a young whipper-snapper. I was in fact, in my almost-mid thirties.

I took the hitachi and started using it for its initial purpose–as a body massager. And boy, were my hips happy.

My clit on the other hand, was not amused.

TLDR:

You know you’re in your thirties when you go to masturbate and end up using your Hitachi on your aching hips instead.

30s:

When you start using your body massager as a body massager.

Sore muscles? Body aches? Untapped desire? Want to try the Hitachi out for yourself?

Buy it here:

Hitachi Magic Wand Massager

Become a patron on Patreon for more goodies all month, every month.

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Thirsty Thursday: Thoughts on No Nut November

Why Men Are Choosing Not to Masturbate

Men have really come up with interesting ways to torture themselves–and let’s face it, to also torture women in the process of torturing themselves.

First, there was No Shave November, which tortured many mens’ faces with terrible terrible facial hair looks. No, you do not look good with a moustache. No one looks good with a moustache. (Okay, there may be about three exceptions in the entire world, but I can take a gamble here and say your face is not one of them.)

And now there’s No Nut November.

A way to torture yourself by not allowing your penis to release any ejaculate for 30 days.

Your Sexiest Christmas Ever

The main philosophy of Go Eat A Carrot, is pleasure first. So, the idea of not masturbating (to completion) for an entire month could be viewed as going completely against my belief system. Yet, maybe not.

There is a beauty in the choice to take on anything challenging.

People go on food fasts all the time and since sex and food are on the same level of human need, I think it’s pretty easy to compare noFap to that.

I went through quite a few of the subReddit NoNutNomember posts in an attempt to better understand the motivations behind it.

I get that it’s a test of will power. Some claim to even improve mental clarity and come to terms with some deeper emotional issues that they’ve been covering up through porn and wanking.  

I’m a bit curious as to why masturbation seems so all-consuming to the No-Nutters. Like, it takes me less than 10 minutes a day to achieve and it’s actually good for one’s mental and physical health. Perhaps, if you’re spending hours upon hours watching porn and jerkin the gherkin than yeah, maybe taking some time off is a good idea.

This all comes down to your own personal state of well-being. You really need to ask yourself why you are compelled to stop doing something people do naturally all the time.

Has it become unnatural? Unpleasant? Is it over-taking your life? Does it just sound like a fun challenge? Do you feel the need to join a community of people who call you a soldier even though you prob have never served in any sort of military service? (That’s one of the things that’s the most bizzare about this newer trend, but I feel like I’ll just save that analysis for someone else to take care of as there’s too much to unpack with that in one blog.) Are you a masochists who like torturing yourself with ridiculous physical challenges? Do you have an issue with addiction? Are you curious to know if you can do it just based on that alone?

Are you also participating in No Shave November and because of that you realize no one will actually want to have sex with you while you have weird sad hair growing on your face?

Clearly, I have a lot of questions.

Male Sex Toys 300x250

In years past I’ve done my own Manless May thing. This was more so to cleanse my dating palate. To rediscover my wants, likes, desires. Of course, I still masturbated. And “manless” did not include “womanless,” but in any event, I do understand the motivations behind taking a break from something you do regularly. It gives you time to reflect on the why. It gives you time to reevaluate if that behavior is healthy or helpful. And then, when you do finally womp the weasel it could in fact be way MORE pleasurable just because you’ve restrained yourself for so long and built up the anticipation.

If you participated in No Nut November, please enlighten me on why, how, what etc. I’m genuinely curious. Also, if you need something to really get your December 1st going, I’ve got plenty of fapping materials for you to pursue through on my Patreon.

If you did wank this month or you didn’t wank this month you’re still a winner in my book.

Cheers.

Hear my thoughts on No Nut November here. 


Lelo Sona Cruise Review Update

review of the sey toy the lelo sonic cruise

Positive Vibes with the Lelo Sona Cruise

or

Vroom Vroom with the Lelo Sona Cruise

So a few months ago some loyal friends/followers of Go Eat a Carrot pitched in and sent me the Lelo Sona Cruise (from my Amazon Wishlist). I reviewed it after using it for a week, but thought I’d give another update since I’ve had some more time to spend with it.

Read the original Lelo Sona Cruise Review here. 

One of the women who pitched in to send me the sonic cruise told me that she had the Womanizer and liked it, but it wasn’t a favorite and the novelty of it wore off pretty quick. I emailed the womanizer company and they told me they were going to send me one so I could compare and contrast the two, but that has yet to happen so I cannot speak to the Womanizer. (Perhaps someday this dream will come true.)

lelo sonic cruise and hitachi review
When they say ‘more than two’ they’re talking about vibrators, right?

On the subject of losing its novelty, I will say that has yet to happen with the Lelo Sona Cruise. I will say that when I initially started to use it, it was super intense. I believe the first time I tried it I had an orgasm in under a minute. Now my body has adapted to the intensity and so it takes a bit longer. I don’t use the sonic cruise every day. I rotate between the we-vibe tango (a bullet clit vibrator), the Hitachi magic wand, and the Sona Cruise.

Read my review of the best quality quiet vibrators here.

Wait. You masturbate every day?
Yeah, pretty much. Except for last week when I was overcoming a horrible heartbreak and thought I’d never have any sort of sex ever again, but that’s a different story.

Read Falling in Love with a Sociopath here.

The Lelo Sona Cruise is made out of medical-grade silicone and is waterproof, which makes it easy to clean. It’s also rechargable and technically small enough to travel with if you’re the type of person who travels with a big ass bag.

I’ve tried to incorporate it during sex with other people, but it’s not as easy to keep in place as say the we-vibe tango.

Discover the We-Vibe Tango Here.

It’s funny because the company talks about how nearly silent the toy is, and it can be pretty quiet that’s for sure, particularly with solo use. For some reason when I used it with a partner I think there must have been too much movement because it made some pretty interesting zippity do-da noises. Mechanical purring is the best way to describe it.

The sona cruise is a clitoral vibrator, so the circle-end section rests on the clitoris. Instead of using typical vibrations it uses sonic waves to create sensation. I’m typically not one for different wave effects, but with this toy, it works (it works quite well in fact).

In the end, months later anyway, I’d still recommend this toy if you or someone you love is into clitoral stimulation.

Finally, it’s the one year anniversary of the Lelo Sona Cruise and to celebrate they’re offering up to 47% off many items on their website. (Plus free shipping over $50) Follow this Lelo link for the offer if you want to browse the products yourself (they actually have so many amazing toys you can’t really go wrong with anything you choose).

Masturbation Monday: Going Down a Porn Hole

my favorite kind of porn is weird porn

Once You Know You Can Never Unknow

or

One Woman’s Masturbation Routine

Male Sex Toys 300x250
I wanted to take a step back today because I realized that I’ve been writing Masturbation Monday articles for several months now but have never really gone into detail about my typical masturbation process.

I guess because I didn’t find it very fascinating. It is indeed like pretty much everyone else’s.

Here’s what happens on Masturbation Monday and pretty much every other day and night of the week.

Usually, I bring up Pornhub on an incognito window and fire up a vibrator. Lately, I’ve been using either the Lelo Sona, the We-vibe Tango, or my Hitachi. My clit has gotten used to this high-vibes and can now withstand them longer than a minute so I now have to get my brain involved in the masturbation process.

This is where the porn comes in.

I know many women like to use their own imaginations or read erotica or watch softcore porn, but not me. Oh, no. This is where some may say I veer off the feminist path. Not just slightly either, it’s like a full 180 turn and I have no shame about it whatsoever.

I’ve had so many people say to me that their favorite kind of porn is the amateur porn and I’ll tell you right now that I don’t hate it, there’s a time and a place for it for sure, but it’s not my go-to.

What I like to do is to scroll through the main page and find the weirdest thing I can. Sometimes it’s pretty basic stuff like threesomes or step-mom-fucks-son-while-husband-is-away type films, but sometimes it gets pretty funky like hentai tentacle cat women breastfeeding a giant zebra donkey alien. So I click on it and then I continue to click on weirder and weirder titles until I find the weirdest ones I can find.

Of course, I feel like I’m kind of an amateur at this sort of porn-holing but I’m working on it. I’m getting better. I’m going down stranger and more bizarre holes. They say this is how addiction starts. They say that this is how people begin to separate themselves from other people and start to look at the people they’re fucking as objects instead of people. I don’t know. I mostly fuck vibrators, which are already objects, so not sure how that matters.

Anyhoo. Here’s video where I go into more detail on the porn I’m into.

Leave comments below on the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen or category/stars for me to check out!

Masturbation Monday: When You Cannot Even Masturbate Because You’re So Fucking Heartbroken and Dying

break up sadness

Brain Pains

or

Masturbation Fail

So, I went to bed at like 7 am and thus have slept for a total of about 2 hours. It’s so weird when you have to “boy bye” someone. This boy I really liked. I maybe even could have loved him, though who knows if I have that capability.

No one will know is the answer to that, because I am now shut down. This system is no longer operating.

It’s at least temporarily out of order.

I have like no desire to have sex. Or even masturbate. Which sucks because it’s Masturbation Monday and I can’t even do my job. I guess he’s just fucking me in all the ways that aren’t the fun kind.

Honestly, when these kinds of things happen, as they seem to do often for me, I feel like the biggest idiot. I’m a fucking moron. I can admit it. Jesus Christ, I’m real bad at this and I’m not getting better with age or experience. It’s like the opposite of a nice red wine. I’m like old spoiled milk. It stinks. It’s rotten. Dump me down the drain already and throw me in the garbage.

It’s times like these when some stupid ass drama happens that I thought I’d never have to experience again because I’m old and why do old people have to experience drama? It’s times like these when I am most thankful for my friends. I’m crying less over the loss and more so about the happiness and gratitude I feel knowing I have people who actually care about me. People who will always care about me.

Even if I am a crazy idiot.

A crazy idiot who can’t even masturbate because she’s so fucking depressed and sad and angry and tired.

So, so fucking tired.

Maybe I’ll go puke my heart out again. That’s probably some sort of BDSM masturbation thing. I’ll have to look into it.

In the meantime, please masturbate for me and have a good time.

Namaste and shit.

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Masturbation Monday: Does Wanking Off Worsen Carpal Tunnel Issues?

carpal tunnel syndrome and masturbation

Exploring the World of Getting Off When Your Hand is Injured

or

Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Masturbation

So, I don’t typically manually masturbate. Why do all the work when there are so many toys in the world that can do the work for you? I also have major issues with my wrists (aka carpal tunnel syndrome) and they’ve been super flaring up lately, mostly because I’ve started working out again. When I say “working out” I am not speaking in code about wanking off either, I mean actually going for runs and practicing yoga and doing HIIT workouts.

Why am I working out more?

Well, because I’m getting fat. I don’t mean thick, I don’t mean thot-like, I mean fat. Thick means you’re curvy in all the right places. For me there comes a time when the body starts layering in places that are not right. I feel physical pain when I’ve added too much weight to my frame. For example, I can always tell if I need to amp up the cardio and cut back on the greasy foods if I’m doing twists in yoga and I have problems getting deep, going further, because there is too much fat on my hips– it actually hurts to do them.

Live Infinitely Complete 6 Piece Yoga Set by 6mm Dual Layer Non-Slip TPE Yoga Mat, 2 EVA Foam Blocks, 9′ Cotton Strap, Mat Sized Exercise Towel & Carrying Case- Perfect Kit For Any Yogi (Teal)

So in any event, because of this new go-getter workout-spirit, my wrists have been hurting like a bitch. I can just be sitting around doing nothing and feel a constant stream of pain. I’ve started using the foam roller again and wearing my brace to bed.

I’ve been curious about this masturbation thing though. When I use a vibrator and I’m just holding it there with my hand is it actually making things in my wrist worse? The whole point of the brace is to keep the wrist from bending into weird shapes so I should be protected, but one would imagine that the vibrations would actually HELP the body heal.

Explore more on carpal tunnel syndrome and masturbation with this video:

I mean, how much worse would my wrists be if I didn’t masturbate with vibrators?!

There is absolutely no way I could get in there with my fingers anymore. My hand would just start cramping up and I’d either get to the point of almost coming and then lose it all or I’d be like, “fuck it” and put the orgasm first only to have my entire hand break off after it.

Some of you may be thinking,

“Krystal, maybe you should give up on masturbating for awhile so your wrist has some time to heal.”

Well, am I supposed to give up brushing my teeth? Am I supposed to give up cooking myself food? Am I supposed to give up reading books? Driving? Shaking people’s hands? Should I just go jump off a bridge and end it all already?!

Exactly.

I’m not going to stop masturbating I’ll tell you that. I’ll also tell you that the Hitachi has worked best during these times of wrist stress because it is so big and much easier to hold onto. Plus the vibrations are intense so I can get off much quicker and massage my hands at the same time.

Anyhoo. If you have carpal tunnel issues shout out below what you do to overcome the pain so you can cum in pleasure.

Buy the Hitachi for yourself!

Magic Wand Massager with Shibari Variable Speed Controller

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Masturbation Monday: What Are Pervertables?

DIY pervertables sex toys

DIY Kink Toys

You’ll Never Look At Household Objects the Same Way Ever Again

or

They Did What With What?!

It’s yet another Masturbation Monday. Do you feel it? Today I’m talking about one of my favorite topics, pervertables.

A pervertable is any household object that you turn into a sex toy/kink device.

The first time I discovered there was an actual name for doing these things to household objects I was 24, living in Chicago. I went to the Leather Archives & Museum, which happened to only be a few blocks from my apartment located in Roger’s Park. In the basement of the Leather Archives & Museum, they had an entire room full of kitchen utensils, clothes pins, brooms etc. At first, I was confused, why was there a lime juicer in a Leather Museum? Then I read the sign, “These are all Pervertables.”

I was like, holy shit! I never would have thought to put a lime juicer up my va-jay-jay, but someone else surely has and definitely liked it. Or maybe they used the lime juicer to squeeze some balls. The thing about pervertables that I love so much is that they give people the opportunity to use their imaginations.

Coolest Memory Foam Mattress

A paddle is a paddle, sure. But you know what else can be a paddle? Pretty much anything you look at– a book, a spatula, a hairbrush. The world is open. The world is ready. All you have to do is look around.

One minor note on pervertables. Just like with other sex toys etc. do not put anything up your butt that does not have a base. I repeat DO NOT put anything UP YOUR BUTT that does not have a base. When I say base I am talking about a wide round plug-like surface that will prevent the item from being sucked up violently by your butthole never to be seen by the light of day again.

Once when I was working at Fascinations a guy came in and told me how he had gotten these battery-operated bullet eggs lodged up his ass. He could not get them out for three days. On the third day, instead of going to the ER as one should, he used chopsticks to fish them out of his ass. CHOPSTICKS! Here’s something else important that I need to say. DO NOT USE CHOPSTICKS TO DIG OUT LOST PERVERTABLES OR TOYS FROM YOUR ASS.

Do enjoy your time with all your new toys though. Cheers and happy perverting!

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Tantus

We-Vibe

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Masturbation Monday: What Are The Best Lubes?

best lubricants to use for masturbation and penetration

Discover the Best Lubes for All The Different Sex Acts You Do

Or

The Difference Between Water-Based Lubricant, Silicone Lubricant, and Oil Lubricant

Happy Masturbation Monday! Many people have asked me about the best lubes out there in the world. So today I’m going to break it down for you.

There are three main kinds of lubricants: water-based lubricants, silicone-based lubricants, and oil-based lubricants. Under each of these are sub-categories like edible lubricant, heating lubricant, cooling lubricant etc.

Each of these three main types of lubricants offer different experiences for sexual pleasure.

Below are my thoughts and opinions on some of the best lubricants for each category and what these lubricants are good for in the bedroom (or wherever you happen to be doing it).

What are water-based lubricants best for in the bedroom?

Water-based lubricants are a good standard default lube to have. They can be used for all types of play with all types of people and all types of toys.

The number one concern with water-based lubricants is that they dry out quickly. If they’re a good water-based lubricant they can be revived with a bit of spit or you can always apply more. Of course, there are better options for anal sex since water-based lubes do dry out so fast and no one wants to fuck or be fucked in a dry ass.

If you’re going to use a water-based lubricant for anal sex I suggest purchasing a thicker, jelly-like water-based lube. This is also good if you’re planning to use toys in the butt as some toys are not compatible with the other types of lubricants.

Some people do not like water-based lubricants because they think they’re too sticky. These people are correct, some water-based lubricants are too sticky, which is why you have to get the best water-based lubricants.

Another big deal is that the cheap-ass water-based lubes often contain animal glycerin and/or parabens, which can throw off the PH balance for women and cause yeast or bacterial infections. If you are a woman do not use cheap-ass animal glycerin lube or you will be fucked in a way you do not want to be fucked.

Dudes you can use the cheap ass lube for wanking off and it works just fine as it’s much less likely to mess up your junk.

This is also an issue when it comes to flavored lubes. The sugars in flavored lubes can throw-off the PH Balance as well. Sugars can often trigger yeast infections. These flavored lubes listed below are sugar-free and actually taste decent. Personally not a big fan of flavored lubes as I like the taste of dick and I like the taste of pussy but I suppose if could be fun to change it up and have a pineapple penis or a tangerine twat every once in a while.

Best Water-Based Lubricants

Sliquids Organics Water-Based Lubricant

best water based lube
(Get 25% off when you buy 2 bottles by going here. )

Or try

Pjur Woman-Based Sensitive Water-Based Lubricant

good water based lube for women

Best Water-Based Anal Lube: Wicked Jelle

best water based lube for anal sex

Best Flavored Lubes
System Jo Flavored Lubes 

best flavored lubes to buy

or

Sliquids: Flavored Lube Swirl

best water based flavored lubes

What are silicone-based lubricants best for in the bedroom?

Silicone lubricant is super slick and works best for all people combinations but is not great to eat and will destroy the material on your silicone toys (can be used with glass, metal, etc.).

It has also been known to cause staining on sheets.

Silicone lubricant is one of the best choices for penetrative sex (anal or vaginal) because it takes very little and you do not have to reapply it very often. It can also be used in water and will not come off (though you probably will).

Best Silicone Lubricants

System Jo All-in-One Silicone Lube 

best silicone lube

Silicone Anal Lubricant Pjur Back Door

pjur best silicone lube for anal

What are Oil-Based Lubricant best for in the bedroom?

Usually, oil-based lubricants use coconut oil, smell really good, and are edible. These types of lubricants are best to use with people you are fluid-bound with as they are not compatible with condoms. Woo for Play sent me a sample to try and it’s amazing, great for masturbation and condom-less sex. It also tastes and smells like a fucking cookie, which puts a new spin on that old Limp Bizkit song. Yes, sir, I will take that cookie and stick it up my ass, thank you very much.

Best Oil-Based Lubricant

Organic Coconut Love Oil: Woo For Play

best oil based lube

Let me know in the comments if you have a favorite I didn’t mention!

P.S.

Find me on Instagram for my Woo for Play Lubricant Give-Away (Entries open until I reach 24K followers. Invite your friends for more chances to win!)

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Masturbation Monday: Why Men Wanking Off Is Such an Embarrassment

men having sex with themselves

Choke the Chicken, Flog the Hog, Yank the Crank

or

Male Masturbation Gets the Shaft

I talk about fucking myself ALL the time. Most people do not do this. Most people keep their wanking off stories to themselves. I suppose this makes sense. Most people do not go around talking about how much they enjoy brushing their teeth, what the best toothbrushes are, how to really get in there with the bristles and get that gum disease off. So, I get why it might be a mundane subject to people. Because, yes, masturbation should be part of every person’s daily maintenance just like brushing one’s teeth.

So why is there so much stigma around dudes’ cuffing their carrots?

It probably has something to do with the phallocentrism that pops up all over our earth and of course, let us not forget the patriarchy.

We get it. You have a PENIS! Congrats.

The rest of the world doesn’t need to hear or see or smell anything to do with it. Keep it in your pants! Or take it out, buff the banana, and carry on your day.

You’re horny. You watch porn. You take pics of your dick and send it out to randos hoping one or two may bite–not literally– and send you some sexy pics back.

The stigma stems from TMD. Too much dick.

It’s a culture oversaturated — not by seeing dick necessarily — but by the unseen dicks’ need to shower the world with its creamy milk juice (over and over and over again).

Of course, this stigma makes talking about male masturbation as an art much harder.

For example, guys are not going around discussing tips for better baloney boppin.

Don’t even get me started on the toy industry! There are SOME good toys for the penis, but of course clits & g-spots by far rule this market.

Is talking about male masturbation in a mature way even possible? I don’t know. That’s the other thing about pounding the flounder, it’s almost always portrayed in mass media as something funny. Because the penis is funny let’s be honest. Sure, it’s sexy and hard and like a powerful rod of magic and delight, but still, male masturbation does not have the same sort of appeal as say ass fucking does or even watching a hot girl stick a wet carrot in her mouth.

I don’t know guys. You tell me. This is just round 1 on this topic as I feel like I have a lot to learn and I’m relying on YOU to inform me. So comment below or send me an email. Let me know your thoughts on the stigma surrounding teasing the weasel.

Also– buy this if you want a good male masturbator:

Become a Go Eat A Carrot Patron on Patreon!

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Tits Out Tuesday: Free the Nipple Movement v. Feminism v. Objectification

free the nipple movement

Free the Nipple Movement, is it Feminist?

or

Why Are Your Tits Out All the Time?

You know, I started this blog because I like giving blow jobs. I like giving blow jobs and I feel guilty about enjoying it because somewhere deep down in my feminist bloodline I feel guilty about liking dick.

After 3 days of mania that also included giving one of the best blow jobs I have ever given–I believe it was described as “transcendent,”–my throat chakra opened, I ditched my liberal identity, and began talking about pleasure as a political tool for growth and change. Of course, I don’t always outright say it. Mostly I just talk about sex stuff, but the point is when we all experience more joy, love, orgasms, the world is a better place. When we all can open up about what and who we like, we can all experience our environments in deeper, more profound ways.

As Go Eat A Carrot has grown I’ve been contacted by some interesting people to say the least. Recently a modeling agency reached out to me.

Now I will tell you right now that for a second in time my EGO almost got the best of me. But, there was something off about the email.

The woman who sent it explained that the agency had booked models for

“Playboy, Maxim, Sports Illustrated, and FHM to name a few.”

Then she went on to say how a different client was looking to film a pro-feminist documentary about the Free the Nipple Movement and body positivity.

She wrapped up the email with my favorite part:

“If interested please respond with your name, age, height, weight, and standard body measurements.”

Perhaps I’m cynical. Skeptical. A non-believer in the GOOD of people. But, if you’re a modeling agency booking women for Playboy, then you reach out to a non-model to be in your “pro-feminist” doc about body positivity only to follow it up by asking how FAT they are, I mean, you clearly are unaware of what kind of documentary you’re actually making.

It sounds like your client is using the Free the Nipple Movement and the body positivity movements to create a film that claims to be feminist only to continue to objectify women–but now women of ALL shapes and SIZES.

Anniversary Collection

Cool.

Coolio.

Cool carrot.

I objectify myself quite often. But I am making the conscious choice to do so. And sure, it’s okay to mix sexuality with feminism. What’s not okay is to lie about your intentions. It appears to me that this company’s intentions is to make money off of the female body by playing off the current cultural phenomenon of feminism, which leaves a bad bad taste in my mouth. (Yes, even worse than stale ejaculate).

The whole point of the Free the Nipple movement is to de-sexualize female breasts.

It’s really fucking annoying that the only time we see boobs are in sexual contexts. The idea is that if we normalize the nude body maybe everyone will calm down a bit. Perhaps be able to keep it in their pants when it needs to be kept in the pants. You know, like when women are breastfeeding their babies, that would be a pretty good time to not get a boner about boobs.

I mean, dudes can get turned on by elbows and feet and fingers and ANYTHING attached to a body really, so why make the boobs extra special? They have nipples and areolas too, some dudes even have boobs that are bigger than some women’s boobs, but if they wanted to walk around shirtless that would be okay?

Come on!

Anyway. I’ll all for freeing the nipple. I’m even for documentaries about body positivity and freedom of expression etc. but only if that’s what the documentaries are actually about and not some trick to show more boobs for guys to wank off to … there’s enough porn out there for that. In fact, there are porn categories for ALL the different boobs sizes guys like to wank off to. The Free the Nipple Movement goes beyond that, to the place where people can look at nipples and not feel the immediate need to spank the frank or diddle the skittle or whatever.

Here’s a toy you can buy for your wanking off pleasure:

Wantis Premium Male Dual Channel Space

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