Nothing says, “I love you,” like presents that have multiple purposes. Why not give the gift of pervertables this year? Here are three things that can be used in everyday life and also in the bedroom to add some kink to your play time.
Heart-Shaped Wooden Spoons
These are both beautiful and naughty. Use them to stir up some soup or take them to the bedroom and spank the night away.
This is one the most versatile oils money can buy. Not only can you use it for cooking you can also use it for hundreds of other things from cuticle softener, make-up remover, lotion, and as a massage oil.
So a few months ago some loyal friends/followers of Go Eat a Carrot pitched in and sent me the Lelo Sonic Cruise (from my Amazon Wishlist). I reviewed it after using it for a week, but thought I’d give another update since I’ve had some more time to spend with it.
One of the women who pitched in to send me the sonic cruise told me that she had the Womanizer and liked it, but it wasn’t a favorite and the novelty of it wore off pretty quick. I emailed the womanizer company and they told me they were going to send me one so I could compare and contrast the two, but that has yet to happen so I cannot speak to the Womanizer. (Perhaps someday this dream will come true.)
On the subject of losing its novelty, I will say that has yet to happen with the Lelo Sonic Cruise. I will say that when I initially started to use it, it was super intense. I believe the first time I tried it I had an orgasm in under a minute. Now my body has adapted to the intensity and so it takes a bit longer. I don’t use the sonic cruise every day. I rotate between the we-vibe tango (a bullet clit vibrator), the Hitachi magic wand, and the sonic cruise.
The Lelo Sonic Cruise is made out of medical-grade silicone and is waterproof, which makes it easy to clean. It’s also rechargable and technically small enough to travel with if you’re the type of person who travels with a big ass bag.
I’ve tried to incorporate it during sex with other people, but it’s not as easy to keep in place as say the we-vibe tango.
It’s funny because the company talks about how nearly silent the toy is, and it can be pretty quiet that’s for sure, particularly with solo use. For some reason when I used it with a partner I think there must have been too much movement because it made some pretty interesting zippity do-da noises. Mechanical purring is the best way to describe it.
The sonic cruise is a clitoral vibrator, so the circle-end section rests on the clitoris. Instead of using typical vibrations it uses sonic waves to create sensation. I’m typically not one for different wave effects, but with this toy, it works (it works quite well in fact).
In the end, months later anyway, I’d still recommend this toy if you or someone you love is into clitoral stimulation.
Finally, it’s the one year anniversary of the Lelo Sonic Cruise and to celebrate they’re offering up to 47% off many items on their website. (Plus free shipping over $50) Follow this Lelo link for the offer if you want to browse the products yourself (they actually have so many amazing toys you can’t really go wrong with anything you choose).
I wanted to take a step back today because I realized that I’ve been writing Masturbation Monday articles for several months now but have never really gone into detail about my typical masturbation process.
I guess because I didn’t find it very fascinating. It is indeed like pretty much everyone else’s.
Here’s what happens on Masturbation Monday and pretty much every other day and night of the week.
Usually, I bring up Pornhub on an incognito window and fire up a vibrator. Lately, I’ve been using either the Lelo Sona, the We-vibe Tango, or my Hitachi. My clit has gotten used to this high-vibes and can now withstand them longer than a minute so I now have to get my brain involved in the masturbation process.
This is where the porn comes in.
I know many women like to use their own imaginations or read erotica or watch softcore porn, but not me. Oh, no. This is where some may say I veer off the feminist path. Not just slightly either, it’s like a full 180 turn and I have no shame about it whatsoever.
I’ve had so many people say to me that their favorite kind of porn is the amateur porn and I’ll tell you right now that I don’t hate it, there’s a time and a place for it for sure, but it’s not my go-to.
What I like to do is to scroll through the main page and find the weirdest thing I can. Sometimes it’s pretty basic stuff like threesomes or step-mom-fucks-son-while-husband-is-away type films, but sometimes it gets pretty funky like hentai tentacle cat women breastfeeding a giant zebra donkey alien. So I click on it and then I continue to click on weirder and weirder titles until I find the weirdest ones I can find.
Of course, I feel like I’m kind of an amateur at this sort of porn-holing but I’m working on it. I’m getting better. I’m going down stranger and more bizarre holes. They say this is how addiction starts. They say that this is how people begin to separate themselves from other people and start to look at the people they’re fucking as objects instead of people. I don’t know. I mostly fuck vibrators, which are already objects, so not sure how that matters.
Anyhoo. Here’s video where I go into more detail on the porn I’m into.
Leave comments below on the weirdest porn you’ve ever seen or category/stars for me to check out!
So, I went to bed at like 7 am and thus have slept for a total of about 2 hours. It’s so weird when you have to “boy bye” someone. This boy I really liked. I maybe even could have loved him, though who knows if I have that capability.
No one will know is the answer to that, because I am now shut down. This system is no longer operating.
It’s at least temporarily out of order.
I have like no desire to have sex. Or even masturbate. Which sucks because it’s Masturbation Monday and I can’t even do my job. I guess he’s just fucking me in all the ways that aren’t the fun kind.
Honestly, when these kinds of things happen, as they seem to do often for me, I feel like the biggest idiot. I’m a fucking moron. I can admit it. Jesus Christ, I’m real bad at this and I’m not getting better with age or experience. It’s like the opposite of a nice red wine. I’m like old spoiled milk. It stinks. It’s rotten. Dump me down the drain already and throw me in the garbage.
It’s times like these when some stupid ass drama happens that I thought I’d never have to experience again because I’m old and why do old people have to experience drama? It’s times like these when I am most thankful for my friends. I’m crying less over the loss and more so about the happiness and gratitude I feel knowing I have people who actually care about me. People who will always care about me.
Even if I am a crazy idiot.
A crazy idiot who can’t even masturbate because she’s so fucking depressed and sad and angry and tired.
So, so fucking tired.
Maybe I’ll go puke my heart out again. That’s probably some sort of BDSM masturbation thing. I’ll have to look into it.
In the meantime, please masturbate for me and have a good time.
Exploring the World of Getting Off When Your Hand is Injured
Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and Masturbation
So, I don’t typically manually masturbate. Why do all the work when there are so many toys in the world that can do the work for you? I also have major issues with my wrists (aka carpal tunnel syndrome) and they’ve been super flaring up lately, mostly because I’ve started working out again. When I say “working out” I am not speaking in code about wanking off either, I mean actually going for runs and practicing yoga and doing HIIT workouts.
Why am I working out more?
Well, because I’m getting fat. I don’t mean thick, I don’t mean thot-like, I mean fat. Thick means you’re curvy in all the right places. For me there comes a time when the body starts layering in places that are not right. I feel physical pain when I’ve added too much weight to my frame. For example, I can always tell if I need to amp up the cardio and cut back on the greasy foods if I’m doing twists in yoga and I have problems getting deep, going further, because there is too much fat on my hips– it actually hurts to do them.
So in any event, because of this new go-getter workout-spirit, my wrists have been hurting like a bitch. I can just be sitting around doing nothing and feel a constant stream of pain. I’ve started using the foam roller again and wearing my brace to bed.
I’ve been curious about this masturbation thing though. When I use a vibrator and I’m just holding it there with my hand is it actually making things in my wrist worse? The whole point of the brace is to keep the wrist from bending into weird shapes so I should be protected, but one would imagine that the vibrations would actually HELP the body heal.
Explore more on carpal tunnel syndrome and masturbation with this video:
There is absolutely no way I could get in there with my fingers anymore. My hand would just start cramping up and I’d either get to the point of almost coming and then lose it all or I’d be like, “fuck it” and put the orgasm first only to have my entire hand break off after it.
Some of you may be thinking,
“Krystal, maybe you should give up on masturbating for awhile so your wrist has some time to heal.”
Well, am I supposed to give up brushing my teeth? Am I supposed to give up cooking myself food? Am I supposed to give up reading books? Driving? Shaking people’s hands? Should I just go jump off a bridge and end it all already?!
I’m not going to stop masturbating I’ll tell you that. I’ll also tell you that the Hitachi has worked best during these times of wrist stress because it is so big and much easier to hold onto. Plus the vibrations are intense so I can get off much quicker and massage my hands at the same time.
Anyhoo. If you have carpal tunnel issues shout out below what you do to overcome the pain so you can cum in pleasure.
You’ll Never Look At Household Objects the Same Way Ever Again
They Did What With What?!
It’s yet another Masturbation Monday. Do you feel it? Today I’m talking about one of my favorite topics, pervertables.
A pervertable is any household object that you turn into a sex toy/kink device.
The first time I discovered there was an actual name for doing these things to household objects I was 24, living in Chicago. I went to the Leather Archives & Museum, which happened to only be a few blocks from my apartment located in Roger’s Park. In the basement of the Leather Archives & Museum, they had an entire room full of kitchen utensils, clothes pins, brooms etc. At first, I was confused, why was there a lime juicer in a Leather Museum? Then I read the sign, “These are all Pervertables.”
I was like, holy shit! I never would have thought to put a lime juicer up my va-jay-jay, but someone else surely has and definitely liked it. Or maybe they used the lime juicer to squeeze some balls. The thing about pervertables that I love so much is that they give people the opportunity to use their imaginations.
A paddle is a paddle, sure. But you know what else can be a paddle? Pretty much anything you look at– a book, a spatula, a hairbrush. The world is open. The world is ready. All you have to do is look around.
One minor note on pervertables. Just like with other sex toys etc. do not put anything up your butt that does not have a base. I repeat DO NOT put anything UP YOUR BUTT that does not have a base. When I say base I am talking about a wide round plug-like surface that will prevent the item from being sucked up violently by your butthole never to be seen by the light of day again.
Once when I was working at Fascinations a guy came in and told me how he had gotten these battery-operated bullet eggs lodged up his ass. He could not get them out for three days. On the third day, instead of going to the ER as one should, he used chopsticks to fish them out of his ass. CHOPSTICKS! Here’s something else important that I need to say. DO NOT USE CHOPSTICKS TO DIG OUT LOST PERVERTABLES OR TOYS FROM YOUR ASS.
Do enjoy your time with all your new toys though. Cheers and happy perverting!
Discover the Best Lubes for All The Different Sex Acts You Do
The Difference Between Water-Based Lubricant, Silicone Lubricant, and Oil Lubricant
Happy Masturbation Monday! Many people have asked me about the best lubes out there in the world. So today I’m going to break it down for you.
There are three main kinds of lubricants: water-based lubricants, silicone-based lubricants, and oil-based lubricants. Under each of these are sub-categories like edible lubricant, heating lubricant, cooling lubricant etc.
Each of these three main types of lubricants offer different experiences for sexual pleasure.
Below are my thoughts and opinions on some of the best lubricants for each category and what these lubricants are good for in the bedroom (or wherever you happen to be doing it).
What are water-based lubricants best for in the bedroom?
Water-based lubricants are a good standard default lube to have. They can be used for all types of play with all types of people and all types of toys.
The number one concern with water-based lubricants is that they dry out quickly. If they’re a good water-based lubricant they can be revived with a bit of spit or you can always apply more. Of course, there are better options for anal sex since water-based lubes do dry out so fast and no one wants to fuck or be fucked in a dry ass.
If you’re going to use a water-based lubricant for anal sex I suggest purchasing a thicker, jelly-like water-based lube. This is also good if you’re planning to use toys in the butt as some toys are not compatible with the other types of lubricants.
Some people do not like water-based lubricants because they think they’re too sticky. These people are correct, some water-based lubricants are too sticky, which is why you have to get the best water-based lubricants.
Another big deal is that the cheap-ass water-based lubes often contain animal glycerin and/or parabens, which can throw off the PH balance for women and cause yeast or bacterial infections. If you are a woman do not use cheap-ass animal glycerin lube or you will be fucked in a way you do not want to be fucked.
This is also an issue when it comes to flavored lubes. The sugars in flavored lubes can throw-off the PH Balance as well. Sugars can often trigger yeast infections. These flavored lubes listed below are sugar-free and actually taste decent. Personally not a big fan of flavored lubes as I like the taste of dick and I like the taste of pussy but I suppose if could be fun to change it up and have a pineapple penis or a tangerine twat every once in a while.
What are silicone-based lubricants best for in the bedroom?
Silicone lubricant is super slick and works best for all people combinations but is not great to eat and will destroy the material on your silicone toys (can be used with glass, metal, etc.).
It has also been known to cause staining on sheets.
Silicone lubricant is one of the best choices for penetrative sex (anal or vaginal) because it takes very little and you do not have to reapply it very often. It can also be used in water and will not come off (though you probably will).
What are Oil-Based Lubricant best for in the bedroom?
Usually, oil-based lubricants use coconut oil, smell really good, and are edible. These types of lubricants are best to use with people you are fluid-bound with as they are not compatible with condoms. Woo for Play sent me a sample to try and it’s amazing, great for masturbation and condom-less sex. It also tastes and smells like a fucking cookie, which puts a new spin on that old Limp Bizkit song. Yes, sir, I will take that cookie and stick it up my ass, thank you very much.
If You Like Orgasming in 20 seconds or Less This is the Toy For You
I have no brains left thanks to Lelo Sona Cruise
Thanks to a couple of my loyal amazing followers who pitched in on a gift for me (which you can also do by checking out my Amazon Wish List here) I received the Lelo Sona Cruise in the mail a few days ago.
On the Lelo page, they make claims that this tiny ass clitoral vibrator:
“stimulates 75% more of your clitoris, for a feeling that will change your life, one orgasm at a time.”
It does this by using sonic waves instead of a typical vibrator that uses, well, vibrations. The waves go beyond the external to pulsate and stimulate (because our clits are a web of nerve endings, not just little fashionable vulva buttons).
Since my time at Fascinations, I have tried nearly a hundred different sex toys. I have become a sex toy snob. I have three favorite companies and Lelo happens to be one of them (We-Vibe and Fun Factory are the other).
A former coworker used to refer to Lelo toys as “Gucci for your Coochie,” which is as close to accurate as you’re going to get. They are indeed a luxury sex toy company (the $2,500 gold prostate toy pretty much exemplifies that). Lelo designs are streamlined, beautiful, and classy. Plus, they’re all made out of medical-grade materials and are rechargeable.
When I opened the Sona box I was both mesmerized by the impressive design and slightly skeptical about this small suction looking device doing anything of value for my pussy. I could not imagine how anything could be better than the Hitachi (my most recent vibrator love).
The thing about vibrators is that, just like with polyamory, you can love MORE than ONE.
Just because you get pleasure from eating pizza does not take away from the fact that you also get pleasure from putting ice cream in your mouth.
After charging and cleaning the Lelo Sona, it was time to give it a whirl or for it to whirl me or perhaps we’d whirl each other?! Anyway. I turned it on and it was SO quiet. After getting used to the power-drill sounds of the Hitachi I thought there was NO way it was going to do anything at all to my clitoris.
I put the tiny spout mouth up to my finger, it was like, egh. I put it on my nipple, it was like oohh, okkaayy, maybe. . . I put it on my clit.
Well. I TRIED to put it on my clit.
After I maneuvered it around to find the exact correct spot for ultimate sensation, which took a bit longer than I thought it would, I hit THE SPOT and it felt like a fucking electrical lightning surge zip all the way my body.
I dropped it.
Whoa. I thought. WHOA.
“Okay, little pink friend with the power punch, looks like you may be able to hold your own after all,” I said to myself in my head and not out loud or anything weird like how dirty talking your sex toys would probably be, that I would never EVER do. . . .
The very first initial contact was super intense, but I needed lube.
So, I put a drop or 10 (because I have the Sahara desert of vaginas from living in this dry ass climate and almost always being hungover and dehydrated) on my pussy, took a deep breath and got back to work.
I couldn’t even pay attention to porn while this thing was on my button. My brain couldn’t handle the multi-tasking. My clit could barely handle the sensations.
I turned on the different rhythms/patterns to help give my clit a seconds rest and it turned out that I enjoyed the rhythm/patterns MORE than just the straight BUZZ, which NEVER has happened with a toy before.
Oh. My. God.
It felt like a three-minute long mini-orgasm that ended with a MAJOR orgasmic mind-blowing explosion.
Small little pink friend, if that’s how you’re going to roll (or pulsate), I will accept your offering.
So, yeah. Um. It was good.
But that’s not all my friends and followers. That is not where the Lelo Sona story ends.
Later that night, my current mansexfriendthingthatdoesnothavealabel wanted me to demo the toy for him.
He had been eating me out so when I put the toy on my clit it made these amazing sloppy wet noises that were kind of hilarious and also totally recordable for an interesting EDM remix throwdown. Yet, still, the sound of the toy itself was almost inaudible. Anyhoo…
A lot of people claim that sex toys/vibrators sort of “numb the clit,” and that they create this inability to get off with actual people, but I’m here to counter that and say that since the Hitachi and the Lelo Sona I’ve turned into basically a Cum Queen. I’m orgasming ALL the fucking time, both alone and with people. At the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. Like, holy shit. Both of these toys seem to propel my orgasm FORWARD instead of blocking them at all.
Not only that, but after I had demoed it for a few minutes we threw it aside and started having P-in-V sex; we’re both still not sure what actually happened, but my vagina contracted and released and contracted as if it wanted to extract the orgasm from his cock all by itself. This situation was almost entirely involuntarily on my behalf. As if my vagina was turning into its own entity and cock juice was its main dietary source.
I got the juice. Pretty sure I got part of his brains too, since right after, as we were getting dressed, he put his shoes on the wrong feet (making it the best after-sex compliment I have ever gotten).
So, would I recommend the Lelo Sona?
Oh my god.
BUT now I want to try ALL the sonic wave sex toys to see how the others compare. Personally, I’d like the spout/mouth part of be a little bit bigger to cover more surface area even though I am aware that the waves move around the whole space. I think it would help ease some of the intensity so it could grow into a MAJOR orgasm without cumming within 10 seconds (unless you like cumming in 10 seconds, so you can move on with your life. I like it to last a little bit longer than that just because there’s not much else I’d rather be doing.)
Also. Lube & toy cleaner are an absolute must with this.
Make sure the lube is water-based. Silicone on silicone has been known to be a bad idea, so why risk it?
Side note before I begin this review. Curious if you ever watch a certain porn and while you’re aroused getting yourself off all the stuff that’s happening in the porn is super hot, but then right after the orgasm you’re still watching it and like WTF?! Why was that working for me?!
That just happened to me while I was attempting to test out my latest toy up for review. I won’t go into detail, but I will say it was some weird animated thing that involved a very large (as in going all the way out the mouth from the vagina) alien-like penis. Perhaps because it’s so disturbing and unrealistic it somehow works in the fantasy realm of the brain.
This is clearly something that I will have to come back to and investigate further.
For now, on to the review.
Today I decided to try out pipedream’s Fetish Fantasy Series Black Glass Ben-Wa Balls.
First of all, many of pipedream products are decently priced but the quality of the material is typically not great, so I’d advise if you’re buying an anal toy or vibrator to use a condom on them or to consider it a one-and-done situation and throw it away after.
Since what I’m sticking inside of me is made out of glass it shouldn’t carry the same risk.
The back of the box says: “with regular use, you’ll enjoy improved muscle control and stronger, more frequent orgasms.”
It also suggests to place them under warm water or in the freezer for a cool sensation.
Here’s My Monday Masturbation Review of Medium-Sized Glass Ben-Wa Balls:
I started by cleaning the two shiny black balls with toy cleaner. Sure, they’ve never been used to before but who knows what happens during packaging and shipping.
I put a dab of lube on, roll them around in my hands, then pop one in.
My pussy swallows it in one big gulp.
I stick in the second one.
I stand up.
I’m surprised to discover that they do not fall out immediately, particularly considering all the sex I have.
I twirl around.
I swivel my hips up and down.
They don’t budge. They don’t seem to move at all. According to the research I did, when you move your hips they’re supposed to create a sensation; perhaps the ones I have are too big for my tight pussy, who knows? Anyway, I don’t really feel much but I keep them in anyway for the strength training.
Then I have to pee.
Many women are freaked out by ben-wa balls without strings. Well, here’s the thing, as long as you don’t stick them up your ass they won’t get lost. (DO NOT STICK THESE UP YOUR ASS UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO TO THE ER.) If you’ve ever used a Diva Cup during your period the method of extraction is the same. You crouch then use your pelvic floor muscles to push them out.
The first one comes out with ease. The second one takes a little bit more work since it’s way further up there.
I clean them again. I decide to try one of the temperature methods. Since it’s hot as man-balls in the desert here in Denver I put them in a mug full of ice water for 10 minutes to chill.
It’s so fucking hot here that when I go to put them back in, it feels cold for all of about 3 seconds before my hellfire of a pussy pocket heats the glass back up. In other words, the ice play melted too fast to do anything, but I’m sure on other occasions, it’s way more fun (I know it’s fun with glass dildos so I’d recommend that if you’re looking for temperature play).
I’ve had them in now for about 4 hours. I used the Hitachi with them still in and I didn’t really notice much of a difference. Then again the Hitachi is loud and distracting and I was also watching that weird disturbing porn.
Since these ben-wa balls are supposed to be used regularly I cannot comment yet on the increase in orgasms or intensity. I will give an updated review in a couple of weeks after I wear them every day if I notice any sort of difference.
In the meantime, keep eating those carrots and peaches and pink tacos and stuff.
And I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves this evening, wink wink.