Friday Feels: My Sweet Sweet Revenge

ways to revenge your ex

Because Sometimes Getting Back is the Only Way to Go Forward

or

Yes, It Does Taste Sweet Indeed

I’ve always been a big fan of revenge. I know a lot of people believe in the art of letting things go, forgiving, moving on, but fuck that. Revenge is way more fun. Of course, I could seek revenge Game of Thrones style, incorporate a bit of poison into some wine or just blow up my entire city, but that may be a bit extreme considering the person who wronged me isn’t really work going to prison over.

I came up with a list of things I’m going to do instead as my way of saying “fuck you, buddy.” I think it’s pretty well-rounded. Feel free to take a look for yourselves below.

Happy Rabbit

7 Ways I’m Getting Revenge

1.
Finally Finish Writing My Book

It’s been a long time coming; I’ve worked on this book for over a year. I finished the first draft months ago but couldn’t get myself to go back and edit it. Now, I have a second wind and angry wind thus it’s second draft time. Get ready world it’s going to be a good one.

2.
Continue Growing My Website and Patreon
Nothing says revenge like sweet sweet success. So, I’m buckling down and getting to it harder than ever before (perhaps you’ll be getting harder than ever before too…).
3.
Grow My Big Thick Ass
Something about having a big thick ass that none of my exes can ever touch again makes me feel accomplished. Sure, I grew it myself, but it does take work to continue said growth and to keep it looking round and plump and oh so irresistible.

4.
Leave the House Hot Hot Hot
It’s Denver and it’s pretty impossible to go anywhere without running into someone. There’s a pretty high percentage that that someone could be someone I’ve fucked before, maybe even the guy I most recently fucked. So, when I leave my house I want to make sure my big thick ass is looking as fine as hell.

5.

Post Instagram Pics That Will Devastate Him
Sure, it’s petty but baby doesn’t care. Baby wants the even bigger baby to cry.

6.

Cackle
This bitch loves a good cackle.

7.
Date Someone Better
This shouldn’t be too hard considering.

So there you have it. That’s my whole list. If you think there’s anything I should add feel free to leave your suggestions int he comments below.

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Sliding Into My DMs Part 2

sexy nun reads instagram direct messages

Men Love Sliding Into My DMs

or

Some of Your Most Popular Sex Questions Answered

As many of you know I’ve not been able to upload YouTube videos for two weeks due to another strike on my account. It was my fault and I have done my time. Anyway here’s a video of me answering some of your most pressing direct messages.

P.S.

Try more than a “heyyy” . . . just saying.

men who slide into Direct messages

What do you do? I’m interested in your services if I think it’s what I’m thinking…
Can I pay you to have sex with me?

What a great question! Here’s the deal. It’s actually illegal in the United States to get paid to have sex with a person. I know, I know, there are plenty of people who do it and more power to them. Personally, I think sex work should be legalized. It would cut down on a lot of violence and sexual health issues because it would be better regulated. Plus, let’s take for a second to recognize all the people with disabilities, both physically and mentally that make it difficult for them to find partners. There’s nothing wrong with being a sexual being or paying to have sexual gratification. It’s not called the oldest profession for nothing. Legally though, I have to decline this offer. If you want to pay me for my time, totally different story, it’s called consulting.

when men have a question

Hey I have a question

Okay. Ask it.

older women interested in younger women

Do you like younger men?

I get asked this a lot. Like all the time. And as I’ve said many many times before age, race, gender, I don’t care about that. What I do care about is your personality. If you have a terrible personality I’m not going to want to have any sort of relations with you; I know this because I have gone out with and even slept with, plenty of people with terrible personalities and I’m trying to un-do, un-learn old bad habits and patterns.

men horny


What a man gotta do to get frisky??!

I’d suggest perhaps indulging in some aphrodisiacs–chocolate, oysters, avocado. Perhaps watch some softcore porn. Maybe go down a deep Instagram hole where you discover pics and videos of people doing things that make you feel sexy. I’m not really sure what most men do to get frisky, I guess I always assumed it came naturally to them, but I get that some people regardless of gender have a harder time getting turned on.

Thanks for the messages, everyone. As you can imagine I do not have time to answer them all, but I appreciate you trying anyway. Every once in a while there’s a chance that I could get back to you, either here or privately. Thanks for reading and watching and don’t forget to follow me on Patreon for more (and yes I mean for pics of my tits if that’s what you’re really looking for).

Hard Wood Wednesday: Sliding Into My DMs

frequently asked questions answered

Answering Your Most Pressing Direct Messages

or

I’m Never Gonna Reply Back Directly So Here Ya Go, Some FAQs

Every day I have many people send me direct messages on Instagram. I do not follow these people so they go into this separate folder. This folder is full of entertainment, annoyances, quite graphic sexual/erotic descriptions usually of things dudes would like to do to me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love interacting with people on the internet. I wouldn’t be on social media if I hated to be social and use media to voice my thoughts. I’ve had hundreds of amazing conversations with interesting people, but I thought I’d cover some of the generic ones sent my way.

I’m doing this in case you are a person who is considering sending me a message. It’s sort of like some FAQs here for you so you don’t have to waste your time or mine. Cool. Here we go.

On Nudes, Videos, Snaps, etc.

IG_message2

Do I make custom videos?

No.

I made exclusive videos for my patrons on Patreon. I typically try to upload 1-3 new videos a week including a Freaky Fan Friday video every Friday that Patrons who join for just $1 a month can watch. So you can gain exclusive access for very little investment on your end and actually quite a bit more on mine.

IG_message9

Can you have a visible look? 

Yes. You can have a visible look at my tits if you become a Patron on Patreon. You cannot have a visible look at my tits on Instagram or Youtube because they will delete it and give me a strike.

Why do they do this? Because this is a puritanical culture that likes to hate women’s bodies at the same time it also likes to objectify and obsess about women’s bodies. I don’t know. Also, something to do with children learning about naked bodies and sexuality before they’re capable of understanding because children have never been naked before etc. etc.

IG_message1

Do I got patreon?!

YES!!! I do got patreon. You can find me HERE!!!  (No I do not Snap.)

Motorhead - the Official Pleasure Collection

IG_message4

Can I only see a photo here of your nice body nude?

No. You cannot see a photo here of my nice body nude. It’s an unfortunate sad sob story that your girlfriend had to leave you today, but I am not the type of girl who feels sorry for dudes going through a breakup. If you want to see my nude body you can become a patron just like everyone else.

On Modeling

IG_message5

“I am a photographer. Would you like to do a modeling photo shoot?”

The last time I was asked to model it was for a long-boarding company. I had never been on a longboard before. I figured it out pretty quickly, then I got cocky. My big head that inflated because I was asked to model knocked me off balance. I fell off on top of a hill right into a giant puddle and my knee pretzeled into me moving into an advanced yoga move that I wasn’t ready for. I ended up in Urgent Care and couldn’t really walk on it for three months. Then I got fat because I was depressed and found solace in drinking an excessive amount of beer.

So, I’m not sure “modeling in a photo shoot” is the right path for me (willing to discuss for the right price and only if I can stay on solid land).

On Dick Pics

IG_message7

“Hey baby u want a dick pic” 

Do I want a dick pic? What I question! It’s almost as if you think I’ve never in my life seen a dick before and will somehow be amazed and astounded by this random one that I can do absolutely nothing with but look at. Please for the love of the goddesses above DO NOT SEND ME A PIC OF YOUR DICK. For one thing, Instagram blocks those images so I luckily never have to actually see them. For another, just, no. Your carrot does not make me hungry. Your eggplant is more like a breakfast sausage link. Your popsicle does not make me melt.

If you want me to look at your dick then you can order a TINY DICK STORY from me. This is where you pay me to write a poem or flash fiction story about your dick. This is the ONLY WAY I will EVER be willing to look at your dick pic. You can find out more information about the TINY DICK STORY on my Carrot Consulting page.

On Erotic Descriptions of Sexual Things You Want to Do To Me

IG_message3

Put these stories in comments on my actual Instagram posts so everyone else can read them too because we all deserve a little more erotica in our lives. Plus when you send it directly to me it’s creepy, but when you share it in public other people can learn new ways to describe tits and discover different things to do with their tongues etc.

On My Day

IG_message8

Did I get your text earlier?

Well, no sir, I did not get your text earlier because you do not have my phone number, nor will you ever.

How’s the day going?

Why thank you for asking. My day is going alright. I haven’t been up that long at the time of this writing. Yesterday I was irritable and discouraged, but today is a new day. Of course, I went for a run and everyone outside of this house was out and about and getting on my nerves but that’s over now. This crazy blood moon lunar eclipse is happening this Friday (7/27) and it’s supposed to really turn things around, whichever way you want it to go. I’m ready. Are you?

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Weird Sex Wednesday: So You’re Saying There’s an Instagram Chance?!

direct message fails of instagram

Direct Message Not Received

or

The heyyy phenomenon

Watch the YouTube Video to hear me answer some of the questions I’ve been asked recently on Instagram. I prob won’t answer most of them directly in the future.

Feeling a little weird today.

Feeling a little off.

Mostly I’m just confused.

A part of me loves that my Instagram page is growing and people seem to like what I’m doing on the blog etc. but WTF dudes?

I get it. I have boobs. You want to lick and touch my boobs. You want to have the sex. You want to know if I’m into younger guys. Older guys. Black guys. Women. Anal. These are all okay questions, I guess.

Yet, you’re all sending them to me on Instagram in my Direct Messages when we don’t even follow each other.

Some of you are sending over really compelling conversations starters like:

Heyyy

Sexy

Chat with me

Send me nudes

Hey sexy

Nice boobs

Oh Fuck it, here’s a screenshot to make it easier for me:

direct message not received
Much excite, much heyyy.

That was just like a few of them btw.

There are sometimes a few funny ones. This one being the latest:

milky breast IG
Please never try to make ice cream from my milky breasts. Or put your ice cream on my milky breasts. Or call my breast milky when they contain no milk as I have no had a child ever in my entire life.

Anyhoo.  That was a pretty good one.

I’m curious though, if you ACTUALLY want to have a conversation or you’re just throwing out bait into a sea of hot Instagram girls hoping that one out of the million heyyys will get you a heyyy back?

I’m curious if you think you’re the FIRST ever to think of sending a direct message to a stranger on Instagram? And what type of entitlement exists within your brains to think a stranger has any sort of priority to respond to you? Or you have any sort of right to get ANGRY when a woman doesn’t respond to you in the amount of time you think is appropriate for a response?

I get that it’s a social media platform and I do want to interact with people, indeed I’m GRATEFUL to have such a growing fan-base, but I need a little more to go on here. I want to answer your questions, but also I would prefer the questions be more thought out. I spend every day putting in this work to help the world experience more pleasure and it’s not pleasurable to me to be inundated with weak ass messages that are basically just farts into the winds of the internet.

On the other hand, there are a lot of terrifically written messages and many of them I have yet to respond to, like this one:

a decent instagram message for once
I appreciate this and I am grateful.

Or this one:

decent instagram messages
*blushes*

Thanks for being decent human beings. I really appreciate it and one day I WILL get back to you, I swear.

It’s just that I have to swim through the muck of bullshit and I’m not used to it.

Perhaps that’s the problem.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

And I’m not used to hundreds of messages in my inbox, particularly when I only have like 700(ish) followers. I can only imagine what real hot sexy ladies with HUGE followings must deal with on an everyday basis. Have you ever thought about that BEFORE you hit send?

Here are my thoughts on you sending messages to super hot sexy ladies (or any person you don’t actually know) on Instagram or other places:

If you choose to write a message to someone whom you actually want to get to know and that message has limited value and nothing much to offer, the likelihood of a reply from that person is about .0005%.

So, yeah. I’m saying there’s a chance.

But…. I’m also saying that the chances are pretty slim and if you want to up your chances, put a little more thought into it.

Oh yeah, and… don’t hold your breath.

Anyway…

If you have real decently thought-out questions you want me to answer, you can contact me through my contact page.

(I’ll answer one right now for you, no, I will not have the sex with you, thanks for asking though.)

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P.S.

As long as your going to masturbate while looking at my pics and videos might as well stick something up your butt and get some good prostate action going on. Click on the image to head into the world of Tantus Toys (they make some amazing plugs and dildos too)!

plugs for your sex butt
Stick me in your butt, please!

Does Dick Size Matter?

cock size matters

Dick Down. Carrots Out. Do Not Engage.

or

How the Size Of Your Dick Does Not Make You A Decent Person

The other day I received yet another direct message from a stranger on Instagram. The message was rather funny (about the phallic diet I am currently on) and the guy sending it did not have a private account so I could tell he was a real person. Plus, we had like 5 mutual friends in the Boulder/Denver area; I thought, what the heck, I’ll give this conversation a shot.

The first thing he felt the need to talk to me about was his dick size.

I’d like to stop for a second and make a sweeping generalization about dudes who talk about their dicks to complete strangers on the internet.

Has anyone else ever noticed that is is almost always white dudes and it is almost always white dudes who supposedly have a dick that is at least 7.5 inches if not bigger? I’ve never had a dude message me that he had a 5.37-inch long dick. Is this just something big dicked dudes desire to do more than anyone else, brag about something on their body that could cause potential cervical damage or even brain damage to any woman involved?

baby carrot dick is still tasty
Delicious dick no matter the size

Anyhoo. I honestly didn’t even care about that. I thought the conversation was kind of funny. But then he flipped.

He went cray cray.

And now the thing he was most paranoid about happening is happening.

I am here blogging/vlogging about him.

For hours he continued to converse with me about sex stuff and how he likes to eat strawberry pie–which turns out to be a reference to ginger-haired pussy I guess. Then abruptly he accused me of only interacting with him so I could make a video about it later.

The idea hadn’t even occurred to me until he said it. I didn’t find him that interesting or worthwhile to discuss.

But, he wouldn’t let it go. He was convinced that I was going to make fun of him and smash his tiny little ego. So here I am making fun of him and destroying his ego.

Here’s the deal, dudes (and ladies). If you’ve never met me and you’re afraid if you interact with me I might talk about it on the internet and you don’t want me to talk about you on the internet, here’s a friendly suggestion–do not engage me.

This dude was like, “if I went and talked about you on the internet wouldn’t that bother you? I think what you’re doing is shitty.”

My question is– are you going to tag me in the post? Because I could use some more followers.

I told him if he didn’t like it he could just stop talking to me. And I guess he didn’t like it because he unfollowed me and blocked me on Instagram, which honestly I feel rather flattered about.

Anyway here’s a video blog where I discuss dick size aka carrot stick size. What’s your preference?

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Fuck You and Your Good Vibes Only, Too

good vibes, bad vibes, fuck vibes,

Good Vibes, Bad Vibes, Fuck Vibes

or

Let’s Just Be Real?

I’ve been super irritable for the past couple of days. My period started while I was still in Florida and the only thing I brought to deal with that was one of those stupid fucking menstrual moon cup things. Of course, the story of how all that unfolded in a horror-movie-blood-bath-show-down in my airplane bathroom is already in the works and will be published in a few days, but for now I want to talk about embracing your rudeness.

Here’s a story about how I was not having it in while I was at the Orlando airport.

Maybe my irritability stems from dudes just not getting it? Like, besides people who think they’re entitled to do whatever they want and who then get mad at other people when they fuck up there are also dudes who think they’re entitled to bug the shit out of people they don’t even know.

For more on what irritates me about guys on Tinder and Instagram, here’s a video explaining more.

To be clear on this. It’s perfectly legitimate and acceptable to follow someone who you find interesting or attractive on Instagram even if the way you find their Instagram is through their Tinder and you haven’t matched with them. What’s not okay is direct messaging them with a “hey.” This is particularly fucked up when the person sending the DM has a private account. This is NOT going to work. Why are dudes suddenly about this? I have not had this problem for the last like 5 years of having my IG connected to my Tinder, but in the last month it’s been unreal.  I took a screenshot for proof but haven’t decided if I want to post it on the blog or not.

What’s most unreal is that I am only moderately attractive compared to so many people on Instagram and I feel l am being bombarded. I can only imagine what it’s like for people who are like legit super hot. Or maybe I get pestered because dudes think they actually stand a chance. . .

The truth is YOU WOULD STAND A CHANCE. If you were just a decent human being. It’s sad that being a decent human being is basically the only standard I have left, but it’s a pretty major one it turns out.

In any event. Sometimes I am rude. Sometimes I am mean. Sometimes I have “bad vibes.” We all do and it’s okay. It’s okay to tell someone to fuck off. It’s okay to be told to fuck off. If I’m being a dick and someone calls me out for it, thank you. I am probably already aware that I am being a dick, but sometimes it just comes out–all you other dicks know what I mean when I say ” it just comes out,” right?

So, let me know what you’ve done while irritated. How were you rude? What bad vibes were you putting out into the world? Who did you troll? Why? Email me, comment below or on the youtube page if you feel like sharing. Would love to learn about your dark sides too.

 

Update. Later today. I go and find a ticket on my car, because I am idiot and the Universe is fucking hilarious.

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