Loving Being Alone v. Longing in Love

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday

Is it Better to Be Alone or to Be in Longing?

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with love. Most people who aren’t in romantic relationships are in a sort of perpetual continual search for “the one,” while many who are with someone are in a continuous state of questioning whether the one they are with is “the one.”

To love ourselves is hard work, to love someone else is even harder.

To love someone who doesn’t love us back the way we want them to love us is torture.

Either way, whether you’re alone, in longing, or in reciprocal love there will always be pain.

The question comes down to what kind of pain can you most tolerate?

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When you’re alone the pain seems to often manifest as boredom, a feeling of not being connected, accepted, understood. The pain of always having to make yourself happy.

When you’re in reciprocal love there’s the pain of frustrations, compromises, continual communication, perhaps irritation from being around someone all the time. The annoyance of not being understood by someone you thought understood you more than anyone else.

Longing for love is completely misery, anxiety, fear. It’s a desperation close to walking through the desert without any water. Fantasy

Of course, with the pain there is also pleasure.

Alone you have your freedoms. You have the capability to explore more of your own internal workings, to come to peace with your quirks and idiosyncrasies, to be weird without anyone else being able to judge it.

Reciprocal love gives both people added joy to their days and sex, let’s not forget about that.

Longing in love creates a world of fantasy. You can imagine a whole alternative world where you live happily ever after and within that fantasy you might be better off than in any reality of being with the actual person.

Because the truth of the matter is that along with all of our positive traits we all have flaws and annoying behaviors. These can range in scope from something as insignificant as smacking our mouths together when we eat to even bigger issues like avoidant behavior or straight up manipulation.

There’s the running argument that people need to be with other people. We’re pack-animals. Tribal. Our survival rests on each of us contributing, helping, supporting each other. Yet, how much of this needs to happen in a romantic way? In a monogamous way?

Would it be so bad to be alone yet have intimate non-sexual relationships with friends and family? Maybe we’ve all been approaching this all wrong? Perhaps we’re obsessed with the concept of love because we’re so bombarded by it every day? We’re bombarded by it because it creates such a huge distraction from dealing with our own shit. We’re bombarded with it because it helps keep our society running from the obvious reproductive side to the financial side of everything that goes into dating and marriage (fitness, appearance cost, dinners, houses, gifts, parties, booze etc).

If we all stopped collectively being obsessed with finding the one, if we let go of our longing for that which would never really work anyway, would that completely change our cultural landscape? And would that shift be better or worse?

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It definitely wouldn’t hurt to take a step back and reevaluate it all that’s for sure. When we remove ourselves from the center of the situation it is often much more easier to see what’s really going on. Sure, love is a beautiful way of being but there are many ways to do it and it just might be time to try some alternative ways.

More thoughts on getting over longing, from this deer. 


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Are You Settling in Your Romantic Relationship?

why do people settle for people they're not in love with

Why You Shouldn’t Settle This Cuffing Season

or

Overcoming Inner Pain to Find True Love

This past week I’ve had more than one stranger on the internet bring up this idea of settling in romantic relationships. I know that it’s peak cuffing season and many people are out scrambling trying to find someone to spend the cold winter with, but I have to ask the people doing this, why?

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It felt like perhaps the reason this topic kept coming up was that people are struggling with their own deep insecurities when it comes to romance. They say it out loud as a way to tell themselves not to do it because for whatever reason they are tempted to settle themselves.

Of course, it could be a passive-aggressive way for them to imply that the choices I am making could be better aka I could be going out with them, but that seems pretty egotistical of me to consider. Anyone actually doing that would be someone I would never want to date, one person, in particular, couldn’t let it go that I didn’t want to hang out with him or receive his (unasked for) help and that person quickly got himself blocked.

Yet, this idea of settling has continued to stir around in my brains.

Let’s talk for a minute about why people choose to settle.

From what I understand it stems from two main insecurities–fear and loneliness.

Fears that they will always be alone. Fears that they will never be understood. Fears that they aren’t good enough or worthy enough for true love.

People make all sorts of interesting relationship decisions to avoid loneliness. Yes, it can be painful to spend time by yourself, but if you’re experiencing pain while alone then it’s the most vital time to be alone. No one else can fill that void they are merely a distraction, a deflection and sooner or later all those gross feelings you were trying to avoid will rise again to the surface whether you’re living with or loving someone else.

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It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be alone. One must experience the wide world of emotions to truly grasp the beauty of it all. If you’ve never been alone then you’d have no idea what it’s like to be present with someone else. If you’ve never really seen yourself, you’ll never be able to see someone else, really see them– and only when you can see them can you truly love them.

So, this cuffing season, why not take a step back, reflect on who you are and what you really want. Sure, it might be nice to have someone to cuddlefuck while you watch Netflix together, but if you’re just using each other to stay warm wouldn’t it be easy to just buy a heated blanket?

Yes, doing that inner work is going to be much more difficult, but it will bring much more joy in the long run and yes, real true love too.

In other words, stop running from your dark side, embrace it and learn how to work with it instead of against it. This will at least help you become more emotionally intelligent and stop settling for people, jobs, addictions that don’t serve you in any sort of authentic or meaningful way.