The Benefits and Disadvantages of Friends with Benefits

fuck buddies and friends who fuck

What to Expect from Friends with Benefits

Friday Feels: Heavy with Friendships

When I think of the difference between friends with benefits and fuck buddies one distinct difference comes to mind — friend versus fuck. While the former, ‘friends with benefits’ seem to indicate that you’re friends first and the sex comes as a bonus and fuck buddies seem to mean that the main basis of your buddy-buddy-ness comes due to the fucking.

In other words, there is at least some mental/emotional connection when you decide to be ‘friends with benefits’ with another person.

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That being said, the difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend/boyfriend (gender combo that however you need) lies with the expectations and responsibilities.

Friends with benefits have lower expectations of each other and require less responsibility. These relationships often form when people are in a transitionary period of their lives– they just got out of something heavy or they started a new job and don’t have time to focus on deeper romantic connections.

I’ve been contemplating whether this formation is actually healthy or not. I suppose it comes down to the two people directly involved. We all know that these are relationships that do not last. Yet, it doesn’t mean they can’t be helpful.

Anytime you interact with another person is a moment to learn more about yourself and the world around you, but is the ‘friend with benefits’ helping your growth or just distracting you from figuring out your shit?

Feels like it’s a distraction for the body even though deep down the mind (or spirit or both) wants something else.

We’re afraid to get to close because all of past issues have built up to the point where we are not ready for the pain of the let down of another person–who will inevitably let you down, just like you will inevitably let someone else down.

The thing is–the let down is unavoidable. To fully experience love in all of its capacity, one has to be open to the pain. Most people can’t handle the pain part and want to hold on to fragments of love, fragments of the good parts and avoid all of the rest.

I wonder if you’re in a stage where you can only give a fragment of yourself if you should really give that away at all? Maybe instead you should work toward rebuilding the self?

How many times have you been in a friend with benefits situation to have the benefits end and still remain friends? That is no easy task. I’d say 85-95% of the time one person develops stronger feelings than the other and has the desire to turn it from an fwb into a real deal sort of thing.

What makes friends with benefits less real than the girlfriend/boyfriend label?

Perhaps because within the friend with benefits label there is an understanding at least subconsciously if not obviously that whatever you have together isn’t as valuable, isn’t as serious, will most definitely come to an end.

I will say this, even though the friends with benefits scenario has lower expectations I’ve concluded that if I am ever going to be in one, my friend has to act like a friend and the benefits have to be beneficial.

Here are my three expectations of friends with benefits:

  1. The friends exchange an equal amount of attention, both of them playing the part of a friend, actually caring, asking questions, texting back etc.
  2. The friends equally initiate invitations (not just a 3 am ‘wyd?” text every Friday)
  3. The friends have consistent sexual relations with each other where both enjoy the benefits (she cums too).   

Of course, every person in every form of relationship has their own individual desires and expectations. Those are mine and I don’t find them too much to ask. If it’s difficult or the person doesn’t have the time or energy to do those things then that person shouldn’t be in a friend with benefits scenario with me. That’s all there is to that.

To be honest, I’m contemplating taking a break from men and sex altogether but that’s a story for a different day. Perhaps after I’ve contemplated the pros and cons of that choice in more detail. I’ll still masturbate though and maybe even film it (ask for more details on this if interested).

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Weird Sex Wednesday: Fight Fucking

fight fucking

You’re Fighting and Then You’re Fucking… How?

or

Hot Couples Everywhere Are Getting into Ficking (aka Fight Fucking)


Last night the guy that I’ve been seeing and I got into it. To keep it short, we have differing opinions on the state our openness with other relationships should be. Maybe he’s trying to cowboy rope me into being monogamous. Maybe I’m trying to have the whole world. Perhaps it’s a little bit of both from both of us and we’re both right and wrong at the same time.

Regardless. I’m not going to go into that too much because it’s still quite fresh and that doesn’t seem fair to him.

What I do want to talk about since it is Weird Sex Wednesday is Fight Fucking. This past night has brought up a bunch of unanswered questions.

Why do we often end up fucking the person we’re fighting with?

Is it one of those things where the two people are both trying to prove something to each other?

Are they trying to hold onto each other even if the end is near?

Are they trying to hold onto each other so the end will not be near? Like, “remember this move? Yeah, you’re going to miss this pussy/dick/ass/etc. so we better make it right.”

What is the likelihood that the couple will continue on that trajectory? Like, almost rewarding each other for fighting.

Is it healthy?

Is it just something that happens?

To be honest, I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while.

The last guy I liked well enough to want to be in a relationship ended up being clinically depressed and rejecting my invitation to become my boyfriend. That was during cuffing season, so sure, it was only a few months ago, but it was not a relationship.

Prior to that was my temporary / accelerated Burner boyfriend. We both knew he was going to leave after a month in the states, so it was easy to not get attached.

Before those two, it’s been like 4 years and that guy ended up fleeing the country because I fucked it up so badly (and an assortment of other reasons).

So yeah, here I am. So used to being independent. Strong. Free. Used to the one-night stands. The friend-with-benefit that leaves after two weeks to get back together with his ex-girlfriend. The guys who are emotionally unavailable so I become that too.

I don’t know how to be a girlfriend. Not really. Not like regular people do.

I’m scared. I push back. I fight with the guy I actually like. I don’t want him to go, but I don’t trust myself. So I hold on. We hold on a bit longer. And maybe after the fighting and the fucking and the fighting there will be something more to hold onto.

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Monday Mood: Young Guys v. Old Guys

who cares if the person you're dating is younger or older than you

Am I Into The Age of a Dude or the Actual Dude?

or

What’s in a Number?

I get a lot of online messages that go something like this:

“Hey. Curious if you’re into younger guys?”

Here’s the short answer.

Yes and no.

What I’m into is emotionally mature people.

More on that in a minute.

There was an article that came out several years ago (which I’m not even going to bother to try to find) but I will tell you what it said. It said that the “perfect” age range for heterosexual couples is 5 years, with the woman being younger than the man. According to this research this is due to the fact that the man has “matured” enough to appear “manly” to the woman. And the man can feel smarter, more knowledgeable and protective or some shit like that.

First of all this is just complete and total bullshit.

There is no “perfect” age and there is no way to determine maturity level, intelligence, emotional intelligence or the able to provide security based solely on how old a person is. I’ve met super mature 24-year-olds and super immature 40, 50, 60+ year olds.

Regardless of your sexual orientation, age is almost an irrelevant factor. Of course, I mean this in the legal age of consent situations.

Yes, if there is a BIG gap between when the two of you were born there could be relatability issues, but these could also be huge learning experiences for both of you.

I might not know who Buddy Guy is, but what if I take the time to listen and that music changes my life?

An older guy may not know what “ghosting” is but wouldn’t that actually be kind of nice to not have to deal with that millennial bullshit?

Here’s the deal.

If you have to ask if a person is “into younger guys” or older guys or black guys or fill-in-the-blank then you’re basically casting yourself into a stereotype and moving yourself away from your individuality.

This is something I am not into.

Here’s what I’m into.
Emotional Maturity.

Here’s what that looks like:

When you’re emotionally mature you are confident in who you are.

You understand your needs, wants, desires.

You are able to communicate when something feels good and also when something feels bad.

You have boundaries and you stick by them.

You can admit to being wrong.

You are capable of putting another person’s needs before yours.

You’re able to ask for and receive help.

You’re grateful for the things you have.

You take the time to think about who you are and who you want to be.

You make strides to become who you want to be and give other people the space and encouragement to do the same.

I’m into that.

I don’t really care if you’re 22 or 47.

Would I prefer to fuck a younger guy v. an older guy?

Not necessarily.

I USED to be super into younger guys, but then I realized that older guys know how to eat pussy. And WHY would I want to waste my time with someone who can’t or doesn’t want to or isn’t eager to learn?

I’d prefer someone on my level of both skill in the bedroom AND outside of it, it’s just more fun all around.

So, if you feel the yearning desire to ask a person if they’re “into ____?” perhaps consider who you are that’s beyond your age or race or gender and try that approach instead.

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Addiction and Personal Growth, Bullshit?

addiction

Maybe It’s Okay to Not Be Better?

or

Words of Wisdom From a Professional Drinker

Yes. I am addicted to shit. Not literal shit, but a bunch of stuff people become addicted to, alcohol mostly. Though, not in an alcoholic way quite yet, more in a binge-drinking sort of way.

I’ve been drinking since a young age. First to numb the pain of growing up in a culture that thought I was too weird, too stupid, too woman to do anything with myself. Second to numb the pain of trauma. Third to numb the pain of being around other people while maintaining a sense of self (aka being able to talk to other people). Fourth to feed my depression because it gets really hungry and loves booze. 5th because beer tastes good.

Blah blah. I could keep going with a ton of reasons, but who cares.

I have drank  (drunk?) A LOT.

And I don’t even feel bad about it.

I only want to admit that I do it. Perhaps because I haven’t hit rock bottom. Or maybe that time I drank and got raped was rock-bottom and I just can’t get myself to admit that the drinking was the problem not the rapist… wait. That sentence is wrong. It was for sure the rapist’s fault that he raped.

But anyhoo, back to me, enough about that loser.

I love to drink. Drinking loves me. But perhaps we’re not in the healthiest of relationships? Perhaps we’re a little too dependent upon one another?

I’ve been in Florida for just a few days and my desire to drink has shockingly subsided. Sure, I had 4 beers over like 7 hours earlier today while at the beach, but I could have lived with or without and been fine. I didn’t continue to drink after I woke up from a nap, which I would normally do. So, progress not perfection right?

That’s the other thing though. I’m really getting tired of personal growth bullshit. Can we all just admit that we’re not good at certain things? That we are in fact BAD at certain things? Why do we have to feel this constant need to IMPROVE? I’m not advocating stagnation. I believe we should move more like water in a river than water in a puddle. Yet, if you’ve ever watched a river it does have times where it just chills. It’s okay to fucking chill.

“Transformation”…”Personal Growth”… “Mindfulness”… In the U.S. these concepts are part of an industry… this industry is rooted in capitalism. Trying to improve your spirit is just as much about making money as trying to make yourself prettier. You are already pretty. You already have spirit.

Feeling guilt or shame because you’re not namaste enough will not make you more namaste it will just make you feel guilt and shame.

Do we need any more of that?

I think not.

How does addiction and personal growth interconnect?

Well. How many people feel guilt and shame about whatever the fuck is wrong with them?

Everyone.

Why not just embrace that there is shit wrong with you? Be a fucking chill ass river for a day or month or year or whatever. Maybe stop worrying about BEING BETTER and just be whatever the fuck you are?

It’s at least more liberating for me so far. And my addictions have stopped being so addicting, so perhaps there’s something to “not growing” after all?

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