Welcome to the First Installment of Weird Sex Wednesday
Imagine That Ball Between My Legs Is a Dude’s Bald Head
The other night a dude asked me: what was the weirdest thing you’ve ever done sexually?
My mind went blank.
Then I realized I could say just about anything that I’ve done and it would be weirder than what most people have ever done.
The truth of the matter is that I haven’t even done THAT weird of sex stuff. If one compares me to all the other weird sex stuff available in the world to do, I’m pretty vanilla. I’m like vanilla with chocolate syrup and rainbow sprinkles.
With that being said, I’ve decided to talk about the sprinkles.
The moments along my sex life path that have been a little more colorful than other times. The weird sex things that stand out.
Of course, I’ll be dipping back into my journals to get some of the juicy stories that no longer exist in the forefront of my memory.
My roommate reminded me of this particular incident for my first Weird Sex Wednesday post.
For the longest time, I had this fantasy. I’d see a man with a shiny bald head and I’d think to myself, I wonder what it would be like to cover his head in oil or lube and then rub my pussy along it. What would it feel like? What would he do? Would I orgasm?
Every time I saw a shiny bald head I would think this.
Now, to be clear, I’m not necessarily into bald men. I’m also not not into them. Physical features are things I notice certainly, but they are not the be all end all of whether or not I’d be into a person. In other words, I like people regardless of their hair.
In any event. One night I was at the Thin Man with my friends. The Thin Man is my favorite bar in Denver. It’s in the Uptown/ City Park neighborhood. The walls are covered in paintings of Jesus and the bartenders always remember my face. At bar close my friend and I were waiting outside for a Lyft* when an older bald dude walks out of the bar, walks down the sidewalk and opens the door to an old brown 70s Chevy.
Now, I knew nothing about this guy except that 1. He was bald. 2. He had the same taste in bars as me. 3. He drove a badass truck.
I drunkenly yell at him, “Hey!!! Nice truck!”
To which he replies, “You ladies want a ride?!”
I shrug and nod yes. My friend is like HELL NO! The Fuck Krystal!?! We’re not getting in a creepy old truck with an old bald dude who just walked out of a bar.
I looked at her like SHE was the crazy one.
“But if we get a ride we won’t have to pay for a lyft!”
“But if we get a LYFT then we probably won’t DIE?!”
My friend makes good points, I should probably listen to said friend more often. I love my friend.
I did not listen to my good-pointed lovely friend. Oh no. Not me. I said, ‘girl, bye’, skipped down the sidewalk and hopped into the passenger side of the brown creepy truck with the old** bald dude inside.
Fast forward after the truck breaks down right outside the gas station and the bald guy and some homeless dudes all push it up to the pumps to an hour later when we’re at my house in my bed and he’s eating me out.
I tell him my fantasy.
He tells me to go for it.
And so, I finally got to rub my pussy along a shiny bald head. It was scratchier than I thought it would be. He didn’t seem to have much reaction regarding it, though I don’t know how one would really react to that. I did not orgasm, but it did make me laugh and that’s close enough sometimes. Would I try it again? Oh for sure.
Though admittedly my new fantasy is to rub my pussy along someone’s muscular oiled-up arm. I have a thing for arms, it’s near fetish in nature but not quite. Perhaps one day I’ll do it and have another story to tell for Weird Wednesday.
Clearly, I did not die. But as a person who is still LUCKY to be alive after pulling a stunt like that, I must advise people to not follow in my footsteps. You should not accept rides from strangers unless you’re paying them of course through apps like Lyft (because capitalism and shows like Law & Order SVU teach us that paying for rides from strangers is the only acceptable way to do it.)
*(I’m not a spokesperson for Lyft but I am referring it and preferring it to the other one out there. So, if you want $10 in credit for your first ride from me click my LYFT referral link right here.
** He was not old, he was just bald. I mean, yes, he was older than me, but he wasn’t OLD!
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