Ducking. More Profane Than Fucking?

ducking fine

Duck Sex Is Fucked Up Sex

or

Why You Should Never Tell Anyone to Duck Off!

This morning I went for a run through City Park. It was a gorgeous morning, all the flowers were in bloom, the pollen count was very high, the birds were squawking extra loud, this dude was playing some strange instrument I had never seen before that looks sort of like a saxophone had sex with an industrialized accordion.

It was a great morning.

Then I sat down on my favorite bench at Duck Lake to watch the excitement that always takes place on goth bird island. That’s the little patch of land in the middle of the puddle they call a lake where all these blackbirds sit in these gnarly twisted trees and scream and fly and party all day. Duck Lake may be my favorite place in all of Denver. I am not recommending that you go there. Duck Lake is MY place and I enjoy my peace and loud off-key bird songs.

Anyway. Why I was there I started thinking about ducks. Then I started thinking about how most of our phones are always trying to change “Fuck” into “Duck” and how that’s ducking annoying.

After that, I started thinking about duck sex and how fucked up duck sex is and how when our phones change the word “fuck” to “duck our technology is actually doing something WAY more disturbing.

Check this out.

Male ducks have sex with a corkscrew penis. Not only that, but they are known to be one of the most rapey animals on this planet. They’re so rapey that female ducks have overtime created defense mechanisms like fake vaginas or trap doors or dead ends so that when they get raped they can be sure to NOT fertilize the eggs with the rape-ducks sperm. This leads to a 3% possibility that these rapey male ducks will reproduce with the female duck they just raped.

These females are pretty fucking badass. BUT, here’s some other fucked up things about male ducks. Some species of male ducks have barbs on their penises to “scrum away competing sperm.” Barbs? On the penis? Fuck that! No thanks. Pass. If I were a duck I’d be a lesbian duck for real.

Finally. One more fucked up thing about male ducks. According to the Buzzfeed article I just read on the matter:

“The more forced copulation a duck engages in, the longer the males’ penises tend to be, according to a 2010 study in Proceedings of the Royal Society B.
In fact, male ducks grow a new penis every year (yes, you read that right). Which means they can vary the length depending on that year’s competition.”

I am sitting over here feeling devastated. I thought it was bad the first time I heard about it, then as I researched it further it just got worse, it got way grosser.

So when someone tells you to “duck off” be extra careful; what they could mean is that they want you to get corkscrew-penis raped by a bird.

Your only reply will have to be, “enjoy my trap-door-pussy, duckdick!”

I don’t know.

This is the thing I have been thinking about all day.

Please do not go duck yourself.

But fuck yourself all day if that’s what you’re into.

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Let’s Talk About Sex and Liberalism, Baby

Did A Blow Job Open My Throat Chakra?

or

How I Can No Longer Stay Silent About Any Of This Shit Anymore

Because I promised to tell the whole truth or the (hole truth depending on how pervy you are) here are the videos of me trying to explain what I’m doing. Yes, I repeat myself. I was only going to use one of these clips, then I thought, fuck it. I’m not perfect. You can see how I’m not perfect in this series in multiple ways. Also, I talk about this one specific blow-job and how I’m no longer a liberal– a lot below. So. Watch one or all or none of them, whatever.

Just Trying to Figure Out What I’m Doing Here aka Breathing onto Camera

First Take On Why I’m Even Doing This

I Have No Idea What I’m Doing

Second Take On Why You Should Go Get Your Carrot Wet

Not a Liberal or a Republican, Just a Slut

The Beginning of Go Eat a Carrot

Or

Krystal Says Goodbye to Her Liberal Identity and Hello to Pleasure

Here enjoy my manic breakdown episodes from a few days ago. I explain how I got to this point below in a long-winded story. I’ll be posting videos for the next 30 days, starting today.

Breakdown 1: Fuck

(It’s not easy being honest with the world)

Breakdown 2: How a Blow Job Opened My Throat Chakra.

Breakdown 3: Goodbye Hats, Goodbye Guilt

(aka let’s all get slutty)

Breakdown 4: This is what Mania Looks Like

(aka go take a nap)

Here’s how this all unfolded. I was in bed, depressed for like the 10,000th day of my life and I was thinking about how there was this conspiracy theory post that said, “If the government wants to take your guns then you probably need a gun.” It was weird because it was clearly a Republican-leaning person posting that meme but I still resonated with it and sort of wanted to go buy a gun.

I thought back to all of my beliefs I’ve had throughout my life. What had gotten me to that point where I was actually listening to the other side? Through a series of thoughts, I decided that maybe I was no longer a liberal after all. It didn’t necessarily have to do with guns either. Admittedly Roseanne was the last straw. I was on Instagram and I saw a post where Republicans were complaining about liberals complaining about Roseanne. I watched the show and realized that both sides were right and wrong at the same time and that I could agree and disagree with both sides equally.

Roseanne is a situational comedy. That means in 20 minutes they have to solve a situation (and do so in a funny way). And can you believe that a show was able to resolve one of the biggest situations we’ve faced in the last year? That of people no longer speaking to each other because of their political beliefs?

Yet, both sides were pissed about how the show did it.

It was at that point when I knew I could no longer label myself one way or the other. That I had to either go to the middle ground or become an outlier altogether. Instead of being liberal or conservative I instead want to align myself with the open-minded.

The real, truly open-minded. People who willing listen to all sides of an issue and can understand where all sides are coming from while still maintaining their own voice and opinions on the issue.

As this revelation came to me, so too did my guilt from the last 30+ years disappear and most importantly, my depression. I no longer feel dead inside.

Besides the obvious divisive political issues that the two parties constantly argue over, what came up for me once I released the label was an ability to better own my sexuality.

I believe that pleasure is an important element for a healthy existence. How one explores pleasure is up to the individual, but for me, with my background in feminism and liberalism, it has always been difficult to admit that I LIKE COCK. I enjoy spending time with men and with women and the beautiful people in between. I enjoy sex. And though so many liberals claim to be sex-positive, many define sex-positive in a very specific way.

A friend made a comment to me about how all the dudes on tinder just want to “get their carrots wet.” I had never heard anyone refer to a dick as a carrot. The next day I was at the Denver Central Market when I saw a basket full of the biggest carrots I had ever seen in my life. I told my date how excited I was to see such large carrots. He said he’d buy me one and I said if he did I would, “fuck that carrot.”

Suddenly there was the largest girthiest dildo-looking carrot in my hand. We continued on our date. It was evening by this point, we had both eaten an edible and were in bed together doing sexy things. The carrot was looking at us. I picked it up. I realized we hadn’t eaten in hours. I looked at the carrot. I looked at my date. I bit the tip of the carrot off.

Because sometimes you’re hungry for carrot and sometimes you’re hungry for dick and sometimes it’s funny to call a dick a carrot and then put it in your mouth.

If that carrot-dick opens up your throat chakra and then the edible keeps you up all night with thoughts on how you have to TELL THE WORLD YOU LOVE CARROTS then you might end up doing what I’m about to do for the next 30 days, which is tell you everything I know/think about politics and sex. It’s not a lot, hence why I’m doing it for 30 days (and also I have commitment issues). While I’m doing this I want to hear from you too. Comment, troll me if it gets you off. Let’s have a conversation about all of this. I can be wrong. I can be right. In the end, it doesn’t matter as long as we all are happy eating our carrots or peaches or whatever we like to stick in our mouths, which can be nothing at all too.