Anger as an Energy
On Embracing the Darker Emotions
For the past few days I’ve been a fiery ball of pure anger. Why am I angry? There’s no specific reason. It’s everything and it’s nothing.
I did everything in my power to curb the anger. I worked out. I went to therapy. I went for a run right after therapy. I ate some healthy food. I ate some unhealthy food. I stewed in my room alone away from everyone. I drank beer, a many beers. And after all of that I was still pissed.
I had this unshakeable desire to punch people. I had this unshakeable desire to be punched. I tried to get people to start a fight club with me. They refused. It made me want to punch them.
I kept it contained though, I punched no one not even myself.
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When I said there’s no specific reason as to why I’m angry that’s not entirely true. I’m pissed off at myself. I pissed at myself for being so lousy at telling other people to fuck off.
I am mad that I’m bad at being a bitch.
I’m mad that I try so hard to understand other people’s emotions and motivations and desires and logic that I overlook my own.
I’m mad that I am not more discerning and I let people into my life who should never have access to it to begin with. I’m mad that I allow myself to be manipulated and lied to for other people’s sick amusement.
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I’m mad that I have to continually tell men ‘no’ when I tell them I don’t want to see them anymore, that they think they’re entitled to me at any time because I went out with them for a month or six… or they’re entitled to me just because I’m a woman and they think I exist solely for them.
It is not my responsibility to make a person feel okay after they have treated me like shit.
If you treat someone badly and then afterward they do not like you, you have to own your actions and accept that someone does not like you because of them. And you can’t make up for it with a sappy text out of the blue or an invitation to dinner.
If you fuck up and want to repair it, you can’t just say you want to repair it and it magically is repaired. You must do actual work. You must put in actions over and over that prove the words you say or else it’s just bullshit.
The thing is, I’ve been too easy on men. It’s time for me to re-establish my boundaries. To be even louder and bolder with my ‘no.’ To tell people to fuck off the first time they do something bullshitty because
There are only so many hours in the day and I want to spend those hours with people who are invested in creating meaningful fulfilling relationships and aren’t just trying to distract themselves from their own pain.
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I own my pain. I own my anger. I take care of it by creating instead of destroying. Sure, I want to punch people but I’ll do it with my words and not my fists.
So if I tell you to fuck off, it’s not a reflection of who I am, it’s me seeing you for who you think I am and me disagreeing with that opinion.