Go Eat A Carrot: Year in Review

go eat a carrot

Happy One Year Anniversary to Go Eat A Carrot

Almost exactly a year ago, on Easter Sunday to be exact, Go Eat A Carrot was born. I had gone on this fabulous rom-com date with a pretty decent dude, where he bought me a very large carrot as a Sin Day Sunday gift.

Later that night I had eaten an edible and instead of putting me to sleep it put me in this weird manic-y state of mind where I stayed up through the evening and came to the conclusion that I needed to start a blog. A blog about the truth, and sex and love and politics and food, but mostly about the truth and mostly about the sex truth. A blog where I told people to “go eat a carrot,” which of course is a triple entendre– my favorite kind of entendre.

It’s been a real fucking crazy year. It has been probably the craziest year of my life. I’m happy to still be alive (most of the time). It’s unclear at this point what’s going to happen with this blog. I said I’d write it for a year and I did. There were times I veered away from the truth because my audience was more concerned with the sex. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get back to the root of what this was–which was a way for me to express the bullshit and the beauty going on in my life and to connect with people over topics that we all enjoy exploring.

Anyway, it’s pretty interesting to realize that Easter comes from the Ishtar, the Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of fertility and sex. No wonder I had the idea for a sex blog on Easter. It’s my way of celebrating life. I create these little babies for you all, blog babies.

It’s been a struggle and a learning curve. I’ve had quite a time in this puritanical land talking about sex, even if I’m doing it from a sex positive perspective, on social media sites. I’ve also dealt with A LOT of really dumb DM messages, yet at the same time I’ve talked to some really amazing new people and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Here are some stats and some learnings from the first year of Go Eat a Carrot and some stats from my sex life during that time.

Go Eat A Carrot 2018-2019 Details:

  • Blogs: 79
  • Videos: 113
  • Pics: A billion
  • Instagram Followers: 3,393
  • Instagram Accounts Deleted: 2 (after 3K+ followers, rebuilt entire page, added a private page, which got deleted too.)
  • Instagram Accounts Still In Tact: 3
  • Subscribers on Youtube: 494
  • Strikes on Youtube: 2
  • Top Video: Hot Burning Man Sex (42.8K views)
  • Patreon Posts: 581 (deleted several after strike)
  • Strikes on Patreon: 1
  • Peak Patreon Patrons: 15
  • Current Patreon Patrons: 6

Sex/Dating Life Since:

  • One (to 2) night stands: 11
  • Friends with benefits: 5
  • Playthings: 3
  • Boyfriends/lovers: 1
  • Sociopaths: 1

Sex Highlights:

The night the Nun made a sex tape, the former-NBA player experience, the men capable of giving me multiple orgasms–thank you. Financial domination, monster porn, tentacle porn. Quick mental connections that end in friendships that actually last. Old friends returning to the story. Figuring out my patterns and ending them.

Sex Lowlights: The men who couldn’t, wouldn’t get me off. Dog porn. The toy with the app that failed to work. The guy who didn’t share his food the next morning, fuck that guy. The manboys who went back with their exes (yes, there were more than one). The Sociopath, enough said.

Happy Rabbit

The Hard (and soft) Lessons I’ve Learned:

Yes, I fell in love with a sociopath. I don’t talk about it much, mostly because it’s clear this guy is still stalking me and I don’t really want to add more fuel to the fire, but it was quite an ordeal that I’m still working through. For months I was furious. Not only angry at him but angry at myself.

The thing is, I’m working on forgiveness. Not because that’s what Jesus would do, but because it’s the only way I am going to be able to move on with my life. I can’t be mad at a monster for acting like a monster. I can’t be mad at myself for falling for a monster, because the truth of the matter there’s a little bit of monster in all of us.

Yes, I was drawn to the danger, the mystery, the excitement. Yes, I enjoyed the drama… until it went too far. I learned so much about myself from the experience though. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I would rather be alive than walk around dead all the time. I learned what I definitely do not want in my relationships and I learned how to run away from red flags the moment they start waving their redness in front of me.

I also have learned what I do want. Stability, strength, simplicity. A balance of masculinity and femininity. Honesty. Truth. Fragility. Vulnerability. I want to be held with kindness, care, concern. I want to receive as much as I give– and I am quite a giver.

I’m not playing games anymore. Save the drama for your mama or anyone else that isn’t me because, nah. I’m done with that bullshit.

If people can’t handle it, if they can’t handle me, or they don’t want to put in the work, then guess what? They can just go eat a carrot.

That whole thing has been really fucking hard. It ripped me apart. It dragged me under and I started to drown. Everything else this past year has been minuscule in comparison; the men who left me for their exes, the ghosts, the guy with the girlfriend, the one nights stands that left me bored and unsatisfied, the time-wasters and super-pervs– nothing has come close to that pain and that torment. It’s my goal to make sure it never does again. Mindfuck me once, that’s all I need to never get mindfucked again.

Sure, I danced with the devil, but I knew he was the devil the entire time. The thing is, he wasn’t that good of a dancer and so I’ll just keep dancing on my own. No one can step on my feet that way.

Thanks for all the support for this past year–whether you’re a regular reader, a friend, a regular friend reader, I have appreciated you being there.

If you’d like to show your support for Go Eat A Carrot financially–which would be quite helpful indeed, become a Patron on Patreon, buy me something from my Amazon Wishlist, or buy yourself something nice from one of my affiliate sites:

Tantus

We-Vibe

Lelo

Woo for Play

Thanks again! Don’t forget to eat your carrots. Nom Nom Nom.

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Things I Learned from the Reality TV Show Polyamory: Married & Dating

showtime tv polyamory review

A Review of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating

Sometimes I wonder how or why my friends put up with me.

For instance, one of them has Showtime on Demand and for the past couple of weeks I have been going over to his house and binge-watching the crap about of Polyamory: Married & Dating until we finally finished the second season a few nights ago.

I don’t know what kept us going, except perhaps our mutual hatred for the show.

It came out in 2012 & 2013 so I get that I’m way behind the times but that’s what I get for not having Showtime (I also have missed out on The Knick, but that’s a different story for a different day).

Here’s what I’ve been saying for the longest time regarding monogamy v. polyamory–who cares they both suck and they’re both wonderful for their own reasons.     

I’ve had plenty of media exposure to monogamous structures that have made me want to not be monogamous, but this was the first time I got to watch a show that made me feel real turned off by the idea of polyamory too.

Yay?!?

I don’t know.

Showtime seemed to be trying too hard to make it sexy.  It was also pretty heteronormative (and white and middle class). Two male/female married couples living and playing together in a pod, and two triads both with one male and two females. In other words they could all pass as monogamous if they wanted to.  

That was the other thing that bothered me about the show. There was so much monogamy-shaming. Like, one of the beautiful elements of polyamory is the idea that you can create your own script, that you can form relationships how you want to–not how society attempts to define you–and yet many of these people seemed to think that showing even the slightest bit of monogamous behavior was BAD.

Or they would use monogamy-shaming to get what they wanted, for example, Michael basically manipulated Kamala into sharing her girlfriend to prove she was still poly (a reoccuring theme).

Time out.

When you’re poly you can have relationships with people without those people having relationships with other people you’re having relationships with. The guy clearly just wanted to have a threesome with two attractive women.

Which brings me to my next point. The women seemed to actually desire deep emotional connections with multiple people while the men seemed to desire straight up sex with as many people as they could get. The truth is that both ways are fine–if those ways are understood, but they never quite seemed to get there.

Now, I don’t know if some of these situations actually unfolded as we were shown or if the editors cut them a particular way to add more drama/suspense, but I do know that regardless it brought up two major things regarding human behavior that I found fascinating. Not only that, but it made me reflect upon my own life and examine how often I do similar things.

The Two Human Behaviors I Learned From Polyamory: Married & Dating

  1. People hear the things they want to hear not the things people actually say

My friend and I basically spent every episode yelling at the TV– “that’s NOT what he/she said.” We probably did this a million times. It was crazy how you’d listen to two people talk to each other and then later they’d make up sentences totally contradictory to the words you heard before.

Example:

Person 1:

I do not want you to go on a date with my girlfriend. If you’d like to have tea and chat I think that would be nice.

Person 2 [Later]: I can’t wait to go on my date with Person 1’s girlfriend, I hope we get to snuggle!

Ugh.

This show made me want to become a better listener. So, at least something was gained.

2. People will convince themselves of the most bullshit of bullshit when they’re trying to accept their own bad behavior (or the bad behavior of someone they love)

Example:

Kamala gives her new love interest a bj without her husband’s consent when they explicitly discussed how the two would not have sex until there was a verbal agreement regarding that activity. Her husband walks in on them while the blow job is happening and then Kamala pulls a Bill Clinton claiming they had not defined “what sex is,” –which came as quite a shock to me hearing that from a licensed sex therapist who clearly knows better.

I don’t even want to get started on the Tahl / Jen relationship; I will say this, he acted quite weasley and often found himself caught in a lie of his own doing and I wish she would have gotten out of that sooner.

But that’s the thing. We put up with a lot of bullshit when we’re in love with someone else. What polyamory should be teaching everyone regardless of their relationship structure choices is that COMMUNICATION is of utmost importance.

Sure, it might be painful to say the things you need to say and it might hurt even more to hear the things you don’t want to hear, but we’re talking about healthy relationships here.

Healthy. Relationships.

No matter what you choose, monogamy, polyamory, asexual hermit cave-living, single and slutty-in-the-city living, etc. it all comes down to knowing what you want and establishing the boundaries you need to make your relationships healthy.

Aka communication.

May we all find our words and our ears.

Another shout out to my friend for putting up with my bullshit and watching this show with me.

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Read more about Polyamory with the book More Than Two.

The Benefits and Disadvantages of Friends with Benefits

fuck buddies and friends who fuck

What to Expect from Friends with Benefits

Friday Feels: Heavy with Friendships

When I think of the difference between friends with benefits and fuck buddies one distinct difference comes to mind — friend versus fuck. While the former, ‘friends with benefits’ seem to indicate that you’re friends first and the sex comes as a bonus and fuck buddies seem to mean that the main basis of your buddy-buddy-ness comes due to the fucking.

In other words, there is at least some mental/emotional connection when you decide to be ‘friends with benefits’ with another person.

Discover Fifty Shades Darker

That being said, the difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend/boyfriend (gender combo that however you need) lies with the expectations and responsibilities.

Friends with benefits have lower expectations of each other and require less responsibility. These relationships often form when people are in a transitionary period of their lives– they just got out of something heavy or they started a new job and don’t have time to focus on deeper romantic connections.

I’ve been contemplating whether this formation is actually healthy or not. I suppose it comes down to the two people directly involved. We all know that these are relationships that do not last. Yet, it doesn’t mean they can’t be helpful.

Anytime you interact with another person is a moment to learn more about yourself and the world around you, but is the ‘friend with benefits’ helping your growth or just distracting you from figuring out your shit?

Feels like it’s a distraction for the body even though deep down the mind (or spirit or both) wants something else.

We’re afraid to get to close because all of past issues have built up to the point where we are not ready for the pain of the let down of another person–who will inevitably let you down, just like you will inevitably let someone else down.

The thing is–the let down is unavoidable. To fully experience love in all of its capacity, one has to be open to the pain. Most people can’t handle the pain part and want to hold on to fragments of love, fragments of the good parts and avoid all of the rest.

I wonder if you’re in a stage where you can only give a fragment of yourself if you should really give that away at all? Maybe instead you should work toward rebuilding the self?

How many times have you been in a friend with benefits situation to have the benefits end and still remain friends? That is no easy task. I’d say 85-95% of the time one person develops stronger feelings than the other and has the desire to turn it from an fwb into a real deal sort of thing.

What makes friends with benefits less real than the girlfriend/boyfriend label?

Perhaps because within the friend with benefits label there is an understanding at least subconsciously if not obviously that whatever you have together isn’t as valuable, isn’t as serious, will most definitely come to an end.

I will say this, even though the friends with benefits scenario has lower expectations I’ve concluded that if I am ever going to be in one, my friend has to act like a friend and the benefits have to be beneficial.

Here are my three expectations of friends with benefits:

  1. The friends exchange an equal amount of attention, both of them playing the part of a friend, actually caring, asking questions, texting back etc.
  2. The friends equally initiate invitations (not just a 3 am ‘wyd?” text every Friday)
  3. The friends have consistent sexual relations with each other where both enjoy the benefits (she cums too).   

Of course, every person in every form of relationship has their own individual desires and expectations. Those are mine and I don’t find them too much to ask. If it’s difficult or the person doesn’t have the time or energy to do those things then that person shouldn’t be in a friend with benefits scenario with me. That’s all there is to that.

To be honest, I’m contemplating taking a break from men and sex altogether but that’s a story for a different day. Perhaps after I’ve contemplated the pros and cons of that choice in more detail. I’ll still masturbate though and maybe even film it (ask for more details on this if interested).

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May all your relationships in whatever formations be healthy and stimulating in one way or the other.

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Friday Feels: Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Know How to Love

romance patterns

Discovering My Love Pattern

or

Learning How to Un-Do The Damage I’ve Done To Myself

I have a confession to make.

The guy I said I had stopped seeing, stopped talking to, well, that wasn’t entirely true. I did stop seeing him and I did stop talking to him, but then I started again and just didn’t tell anyone about it.

Why?

Because I was afraid that he’d hurt me again and everyone would tell me that they told me so.

I don’t like being wrong.

I was wrong.

Everyone who would have told me so but couldn’t tell me so because I didn’t tell them, well, they were right.

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He invites me to meet him at a bar. So, I show up and he basically ignores me the entire time. I make other friends because I am surrounded by people and you have to work with what you’re given. Then the bar closes. I go up to him to see if he’s ready to go. He tells me to go away while he’s talking to his friend. They leave. 30 seconds later the woman that’s been googly-eyeing him all night follows them. He doesn’t call me or text me. I’m drunk so I do that crazy girl thing and call him like a half-dozen times until he picks up. He tries to tell me that woman is a lesbian. Right, and I’m the Princess of Monaco.

In any event, at the time he was being a complete and total dickface shitbag, another guy was texting me. Another guy who actually wanted to spend time with me. So, I did that. Of course, I was drunk and distracted and angry and even more upset that I couldn’t focus on the actual decent guy that was right in front of me.

But I realized something in the course of this emotional turmoil and dramatic turning of events.

I have finally come to understand my dating pattern.

I used to say I didn’t have a type. But I do. They may be short or tall, muscular or fat. They may be alcoholics or felons or doctors or lawyers. They may be women or men or trans. They may be white or black or brown or purple. They may be smart or dumb or cool or nerdy.

They could be any of those traits. Those traits are irrelevant. What is relevant is the one common thing that attracts me to most of the people I fall in love with.

I fall in love with people who:
1. Do not know how to love
2. Do not know how to be loved

I think I do this because of my own deep-seated insecurities and my own inability to accept it. I think I don’t deserve it. I have no problem giving it to others, perhaps too much. I think if I date this broken guy who doesn’t know how to be loved that I can teach him, that I can be enough, that my love will fix us both.

Ha!

What a silly creature I am.

Let’s not even talk about all the decent people who have actually loved me who I have hurt. I get it. It’s like I am to them what these last few unlovables were to me. What a shit show.

At least now that I have recognized my own pattern I can work on breaking it. That’s all we can really do right? When you continue to repeat the same story over and over it turns into its own kind of hell. The only way to get out of hell is to edit the story, write a new one.

Friday Feels: My Sweet Sweet Revenge

ways to revenge your ex

Because Sometimes Getting Back is the Only Way to Go Forward

or

Yes, It Does Taste Sweet Indeed

I’ve always been a big fan of revenge. I know a lot of people believe in the art of letting things go, forgiving, moving on, but fuck that. Revenge is way more fun. Of course, I could seek revenge Game of Thrones style, incorporate a bit of poison into some wine or just blow up my entire city, but that may be a bit extreme considering the person who wronged me isn’t really work going to prison over.

I came up with a list of things I’m going to do instead as my way of saying “fuck you, buddy.” I think it’s pretty well-rounded. Feel free to take a look for yourselves below.

Happy Rabbit

7 Ways I’m Getting Revenge

1.
Finally Finish Writing My Book

It’s been a long time coming; I’ve worked on this book for over a year. I finished the first draft months ago but couldn’t get myself to go back and edit it. Now, I have a second wind and angry wind thus it’s second draft time. Get ready world it’s going to be a good one.

2.
Continue Growing My Website and Patreon
Nothing says revenge like sweet sweet success. So, I’m buckling down and getting to it harder than ever before (perhaps you’ll be getting harder than ever before too…).
3.
Grow My Big Thick Ass
Something about having a big thick ass that none of my exes can ever touch again makes me feel accomplished. Sure, I grew it myself, but it does take work to continue said growth and to keep it looking round and plump and oh so irresistible.

4.
Leave the House Hot Hot Hot
It’s Denver and it’s pretty impossible to go anywhere without running into someone. There’s a pretty high percentage that that someone could be someone I’ve fucked before, maybe even the guy I most recently fucked. So, when I leave my house I want to make sure my big thick ass is looking as fine as hell.

5.

Post Instagram Pics That Will Devastate Him
Sure, it’s petty but baby doesn’t care. Baby wants the even bigger baby to cry.

6.

Cackle
This bitch loves a good cackle.

7.
Date Someone Better
This shouldn’t be too hard considering.

So there you have it. That’s my whole list. If you think there’s anything I should add feel free to leave your suggestions int he comments below.

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Masturbation Monday: More Than Two Book Review

more than two an ethical guide to polyamory

A Review of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Or

Can Non-Monogamy Work and Can Any Book Actually Help People Get There?

First of all, let’s get this out of the way. I started exploring the concepts of non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships many years ago. You can read a plethora of articles on these topics from when I wrote for elephant journal way back in the day.

At this point in my life I can not claim to be polyamorous nor can I claim to be monogamous.

I am somewhere in the middle.

Recently, I even had a boyfriend for all of about ten days; we had made an agreement that we could still have random casual sex on occasion and that we could also explore group sex together if that sort of event became available. Unfortunately, we never got to that point before some incidents occurred in which we are now in different time-out corners (perhaps I’ll go into this a bit more after I’ve had more time to process it).

Anyway, I know quite a few polyamorous people and as someone who is trying to create my own relationship scripts, it’s interesting to see what and how other people do romantic and intimate relationships.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory is one of those poly-classic books. There are people who live by its every word; people who take certain parts and apply those; and some people who disregard all the information in it entirely.

I started reading it over ten weeks ago. I am pissed about how long it took me to get through to be perfectly honest. Mostly, because I had started the year attempting to read a book a week and now I am ten books behind. I won’t blame it entirely on the book itself. The summer heat didn’t help. Nor did my budding romance.

So here we are now, finally.

What did I think?

Is it worth the read?

Would I recommend it to polyamorous beginners?

What about non-poly people?

Yes and no to all of that.

The book is broken into five parts. Regardless of whether you’re non-monogamous, open, closed, polyamorous, gay, straight, pansexual, etc. I believe that everyone should at least read Part Two: A Poly Toolkit. This section is all about understanding the self, diving deeper into the art of communication, and living with integrity.

The authors (Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert) make many excellent points in this section of the book that resonate with improving any and all types of relationships.

What I’ve learned through my own experiences is that it doesn’t matter if you’re dating one person or 10; if you have weak communication skills you’re going to have weak relationships.

Communicating well is not easy either. I surely have plenty of work to do, but I’m at least acknowledging where I’m at; I can see the gaps. I can admit I’m not close to being perfect. More Than Two goes into communication failures and strategies + additional resources to help people continue to work on it.

If you are a polyamory beginner the book does offer decent information on many of the issues that are likely to arise. Personally, I think it’s a bit long and would recommend reading over the sections when you come to it in your reality as opposed to trying to cram all the information in your brain at once.

There are elements of polyamory that I am drawn to, such as creating a community of intimate friends, writing our own scripts of how relationships can work; sharing joy and love and dinner (clearly I’m hungry right now). But there are plenty of other things I am not drawn to; like the drama; all the talking and talking and talking; and the super-packed schedules trying to fit everyone in when there are only so many days in a week.

Perhaps I’m just a bit bitter right now because I’m having my own personal issues happening that are leaving me exhausted. Like, I can’t even get one relationship to work right, the thought of adding more to the pile makes me want to go live like a hermit in a cave somewhere far away. And you know, someone did write about a guy who did that, you can read my review of The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit on my other blog here.

What are your thoughts on More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and / or polyamory in general. Comment below or send me an email to discuss in more depth!

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Do You Feel Worthy Enough To Handle The Rejections From Dating?

worthy of rejection

Tits Out & Truth Bombs Tuesday

Or

Some People Can’t Handle Your Worthiness

I couldn’t sleep last night. I felt sad and disappointed about my current state in love, dating, life.

I know it’s difficult for some of you to believe, but I’ve been rejected quite a bit lately.

(The most recent by a guy who claimed he really liked me, was totally into me; told me to text him then didn’t respond for nine days. Only to tell me when he did finally respond that he had hooked back up with his ex and has now decided to get back together with her. But… he still “wants to be friends.” #coolcarrot)

Dating can be a struggle for everyone, even people who are expert daters. One reason why I’m an expert dater is because of all the rejection, both to and from me.

It’s hard out there. And I’m not talking just about boners.

In the book I’ve been reading (More Than Two), the authors write:

“Even the healthiest person, when persistently rejected, will hurt.”

And it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel sad or angry or disappointed when something doesn’t work out with someone, particularly when so many possibilities had felt so possible. Yet, I know that I am worthy of great, loving, thoughtful, intimate relationships. I know what I am capable of giving back to other people. I know how much love is already in my life, which helps me from spiraling all the way down into a bottomless pit of despair.

I also know that I have to feel the sadness. Because if I don’t feel it, it will bottle up and turn into something really ugly that no one, including myself, wants to see.

Here are some questions that I have been asking myself, perhaps they will also help you if you’ve recently been rejected.

  • What do I bring to others’ lives? (In friendships, family, and romance)
  • What love is already in my life?
  • What have I learned from these recent dating experiences?
  • How can I apply these learnings to create better relationships in the future?
  • What do I really want and what can I truly give?

I am so grateful to all of you who have been reading/watching/enjoying/following this blog. To tell you the WHOLE truth, starting this blog kept me from killing myself. I understand that that sounds dramatic, but I was in a pretty dark place a couple of months ago; my creativity was stifled, I didn’t know what I wanted, I was drinking and doing too many drugs.

Now at least my creativity isn’t stifled and I know what I want 🙂

Rejection is one of the costs of dating. It can be painful, but perhaps we can all look rejection more as a type of growing pain than something specifically directed at you as a person. Everyone is out there looking for different things and we can’t also be the one to give those things to another.

As they say:

“The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.”

I’m not expert at any of this, but I have had many and plenty of experiences. I’m going to continue onward, knowing the difference between needing and wanting someone… knowing what I can give and knowing what I’m willing to take. Knowing that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in a relationship with you, but they are still beautiful wonderful people who deserve love and fulfillment.

Rejection is alright.

Because in the end, even when we lose, we win.

happy sad crying
Look! I cried a tear. Not because of rejection but because I thought of all the love I already have in my life and it made me so happy I cried.

Pre-coffee / Pre-process of emotions / early morning wake-up video / honestly have no idea what I even say on this but didn’t want you all to think I’m hiding shit from you. . .

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What Was This Ghost Guy Thinking?

dude no

Ran Into a Ghost Last Night

Guess That Makes Him a Zombie?

Last night I went to my regular watering hole. This bar is just a few blocks down the street from me and it’s cheap, which means it’s dangerous but also the most fun.

While I was there with my friend and her not-boyfriend-boyfriend not one but TWO different guys I have had sexual relations in the past happened to wander in.

One made sense as he is my neighbor. And whatever, we still talk occasionally, no big deal.

The second one lives nowhere around here. He, in fact, was one of the many men who GHOSTED me in the past. Which was really fucking ironic or serendipitous or whatever as I had just written about ghosting two days ago. Maybe he knew and subconsciously felt left out since I failed to mention him in that post. Anyway, it had been over six months since I had seen, heard, or even thought about that guy.

I was at the bar ordering another drink (we will say it was my 5th but who keeps count these days?) when I noticed a quite attractive man a few stools down from me.

“You look familiar,” he said as he took a sip of his whiskey on the rocks.

I stare at him for a moment and then it hits me:

“Oh, indeed. That’s because we’ve fucked.”

His eyes go wide. He realizes it too.

“Oh! Yes. I guess that would be the reason.”

I move closer to him (he’s still looking as fine as the day we boned):

“I was just thinking about you the other day,” I say, “I was writing a blog about ghosting and I remembered you because we had this long philosophical conversation about dating and being open and honest and how ghosting was a bullshit form of not communicating. Remember that? Then, do you remember how I sent you some texts the next couple of days after and you never replied? Like, how you said you’d never ghost and then you did just that?! That was hilarious!!”

He furrows his brow:

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do,” he insists.

Fast-forward to today and this text exchange where he informed he was now back with his ex-wife. But, here’s the kicker, he continued:

“I wouldn’t say it’s entirely accurate that I’m not into you.”

They are not in an open relationship.

I’m trying to understand the male brain here.

We went out a couple of times. We had sex. We stopped talking. We run into each other and have a casual conversation. Then he texts me to tell me he’s back with his ex but he might still be into me?!

If I were his ex-wife I would have stayed an ex because of this kind of behavior.

Exes are exes for a reason.

There’s this meme:

mcdonalds fries
True or False?

I’m not saying it’s ALWAYS bad. I’m sure there are circumstances where reuniting after spending time on personal growth might make it more reasonable and likely for success.

But… if you’re with someone monogamously and you’re thinking about how you might possibly be into someone else… perhaps that’s a sign that the two of you aren’t right for each other?

Or maybe he’s the type of guy who likes to have a serious relationship but then get fresh hot fries on the side?

Yes, I like sex. I am a slut. I enjoy hot fresh fries just as much as the next person, but I do have boundaries. I even have morals if you can believe it. And even if this guy and his ex-wife end up apart again (and they will as that’s pretty apparent) I could not, would not want to ever take a bite of his fries.

I can forgive a ghost (cuz they dead). I can’t accept a zombie though, because I enjoy having my brains intact.

Anyone have a different opinion on the matter? Am I reading it wrong? Did I just waste a bunch of time thinking about this? Probs.

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Ghosts, Ghosting, Being Ghosted

when someone doesn't text you back

Ghosting. The art of not texting back.

Ghosting. The art of ignoring someone’s text forever, like ya dead.

Ghosting. Pretending to not exist so you feel no guilt about not liking someone and thus never texting them back.

Ghosting Part 1: Why People Ghost

Almost any single person who has a cell phone and has casually dated has ghosted or been ghosted. At this point, it’s as common as the one night stand itself.

Of course, there could be other reasons why the person isn’t texting you back.

Here are 5 potential (legit) reasons for texts not being returned.

  1.  Their phone is dead. (This can and does happen, but how long can a person without a phone in these modern times, one day, two… a week maybe?)
  2.  Their phone died and they lost all their contact information (ugh, have you heard of facebook stalking?!)
  3.  Someone stole their phone and sold it on eBay.
  4.  They decided to go on a silent retreat.
  5.  They traveled to the middle of nowhere and they have no cell phone reception.

Sure, sure, any of those events are plausible. But, if you text a person and they do not respond within a few days they are either ghosting you or you are in no way a priority in their busy busy lives.

9 Reasons Why a Person Would Ghost Another Person

  1. As the stupid fucking self-help dating book once said (a million times) perhaps they’re “just not into you.”
  2. They’re chicken-shit and don’t know how to say they’re not interested.
  3. They have no idea HOW to text.
  4. They saw the text, responded in their head, but forgot to do it in reality, and then they were embarrassed and decided to never talk to you again.
  5. They discovered you were actually a crazy person and thought it best to slowly back away and ignore.
  6. You’re just not very interesting and they don’t have time for you.
  7. They don’t have time for you even though you are very interesting.
  8. The person is an asshole.
  9. The person actually died.

All of these things can and do happen. But, what do you do when you’re on the (not) receiving end of a Ghost?

Ghosting Part 2: How to Overcome the Ghost

Sure, yes, it sucks to be into someone and for them to not give you the attention you want back in the time-frame you expect their attention to return to you. Yet, here is my advice to you (and to myself… because yeah, I have gone through this too).

Put your phone down.

Go do something else.

Quit fucking caring about getting validation from someone else.

I know it’s easier said than done.

Once you start doing it though, it gets WAY easier and you’ll feel better overall anyway separating from the technology that keeps you down. Binds you to the constant scroll, the constant need for other people to pay attention to you.

If someone doesn’t text you back, it’s on them, not you.

It doesn’t matter the reason. It could be valid or it could be stupid regardless it’s not a reflection of who YOU are, it’s a reflection of them.

If you desire more attention, if you want someone involved in your life and that Ghost wants to be dead to you, let them be dead.

Fuck them.

You don’t need to deal with the dead when being alive is hard enough as it is.

Ghosting: Bonus Part 3: A Better Way to Ghost

Finally, from my own personal experiences with ghosts and ghosting, I do my best to tell a person, “hey, I didn’t really feel a connection, but it was great meeting you. Good luck out there.” Then of course, if they continue to text me I will ghost. I will also accidentally ghost from time to time (see #4 and #8 and prob #6 or #7). I try not to beat myself up about it. I try to just carry on. As we all should.

RIP ghosts. RIP.

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Is there a solution for couples who have differing sex drives?

polyamory saves sexual incompatibility

Whether Your Sex Drive is High, Low, Or Medium Rare

Could Polyamory Save Sexually Incompatible Relationships?

I have always had an exceptionally high sex drive. The kind of high sex drive that would hump anything that happens to be in the same room when it revs up (here’s looking at you couch cushion… jk I’ve never done that… but now I’m thinking about it).

My sex drive is so high that when they put me on Prozac for depression I was actually excited when the doctor told me it could interfere with my desire to have sex. I was like, please Goddess, please interfere with my desire. And it did. Oh yes. I went from an extremely high sex drive to an above average sex drive.

In other words, I only wanted to hump whatever was in the room 80% of the time instead of 95%, which of course led me to get a few other things done–something I really cherished.

Of course, because I’m terribly stubborn and think I can overcome my depression and high-sex drive all by myself I have yet again stopped taking the Prozac and am back up to 95%.

Luckily I have Tinder and vibrators and fingers (and couches now I guess) oh yes, and the occasional person I’ve slept with before who happens to want to have sex with me again for some reason (probably not for my personality, but who really knows these days).

In any event. My sex drive is HIGH. Not as high as say Snoop Dogg on 420, but high nonetheless. Maybe as high as Ilana from Broad City when she’s hanging out in the bathroom stall during work. I have never dated a person with a sex drive as high as mine. In fact, several if not many of my relationships have ended because our levels of sexual desire were not compatible. In other words, they can’t fuck me enough*.

I’ve tried to get over it. That’s why I took up running and yoga. Reading and writing. Extreme masturbation (not sure what that is but it sounds like something I’d do). I tried just getting over it. I tried being happy with what I got. I always wanted more though. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m built. Whatever. I like sex. I like a lot of sex. Almost everyone likes sex to some degree (minus the asexual people, which you do your thing and I’ll do mine, okay?).

So what do you do when you find someone you’re compatible with that has a totally different sex drive than yours?

Many relationship experts say that if you’re not sexually compatible than you should break up, move on, not even bother trying to work it out because you’ll always be disappointed one way or the other when it comes to getting your freak on (either too much in an attempt to please your partner or not enough in an attempt to please your partner).

But what if there was a solution?

This morning I started reading the book More Than Two (A practical guide to ethical polyamory). In the first chapter the authors write:

“Some people go into poly to have more sex; some people go into poly to have less sex.”

It’s weird because I’ve been reading theory and advice and having discussions on polyamory and monogamy for like, basically a decade now and probably because I myself have a high sex drive never had even considered that it could also work out well for people with LOW sex drives.

Let’s say that I want to have sex an average of about 5 to 7 times a week. My partner X is only really down for sex about 3 to 4 times a week. If we’re in polyamorous relationships then I could have another partner, Y, that was able to help me get off more and help X not have to have as much sex. And then Y can have sex with someone else too or just with K depending on Y’s sex drive levels.

K + X + Y = sexual fulfillment for all…

This is just a hypothetical scenario. But it COULD be a better option than ending a relationship just because one element is not aligned.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this matter?

Anyone else struggle with a low or high sex drive that makes it so you’re often not sexually compatible with your partner?

What have you done to find balance?

Would you consider polyamory as a solution?

Also, side note…

Many of you claim to read my blog on occasion. Awesome. Thank you! If you’d like, you can follow it. You can subscribe to my youtube channel and you can also follow me on Instagram to get updates as often as I update… which is usually daily unless I’m hungover.

*Admittedly when I was in the long-term 5+ years monogamous my sex drive did finally die, but that’s a story for another day… one I will prob never tell because I just told the gist of it.

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