Friday Feels: Falling In Love With People Who Don’t Know How to Love

romance patterns

Discovering My Love Pattern

or

Learning How to Un-Do The Damage I’ve Done To Myself

I have a confession to make.

The guy I said I had stopped seeing, stopped talking to, well, that wasn’t entirely true. I did stop seeing him and I did stop talking to him, but then I started again and just didn’t tell anyone about it.

Why?

Because I was afraid that he’d hurt me again and everyone would tell me that they told me so.

I don’t like being wrong.

I was wrong.

Everyone who would have told me so but couldn’t tell me so because I didn’t tell them, well, they were right.

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He invites me to meet him at a bar. So, I show up and he basically ignores me the entire time. I make other friends because I am surrounded by people and you have to work with what you’re given. Then the bar closes. I go up to him to see if he’s ready to go. He tells me to go away while he’s talking to his friend. They leave. 30 seconds later the woman that’s been googly-eyeing him all night follows them. He doesn’t call me or text me. I’m drunk so I do that crazy girl thing and call him like a half-dozen times until he picks up. He tries to tell me that woman is a lesbian. Right, and I’m the Princess of Monaco.

In any event, at the time he was being a complete and total dickface shitbag, another guy was texting me. Another guy who actually wanted to spend time with me. So, I did that. Of course, I was drunk and distracted and angry and even more upset that I couldn’t focus on the actual decent guy that was right in front of me.

But I realized something in the course of this emotional turmoil and dramatic turning of events.

I have finally come to understand my dating pattern.

I used to say I didn’t have a type. But I do. They may be short or tall, muscular or fat. They may be alcoholics or felons or doctors or lawyers. They may be women or men or trans. They may be white or black or brown or purple. They may be smart or dumb or cool or nerdy.

They could be any of those traits. Those traits are irrelevant. What is relevant is the one common thing that attracts me to most of the people I fall in love with.

I fall in love with people who:
1. Do not know how to love
2. Do not know how to be loved

I think I do this because of my own deep-seated insecurities and my own inability to accept it. I think I don’t deserve it. I have no problem giving it to others, perhaps too much. I think if I date this broken guy who doesn’t know how to be loved that I can teach him, that I can be enough, that my love will fix us both.

Ha!

What a silly creature I am.

Let’s not even talk about all the decent people who have actually loved me who I have hurt. I get it. It’s like I am to them what these last few unlovables were to me. What a shit show.

At least now that I have recognized my own pattern I can work on breaking it. That’s all we can really do right? When you continue to repeat the same story over and over it turns into its own kind of hell. The only way to get out of hell is to edit the story, write a new one.

Friday Feels: My Sweet Sweet Revenge

ways to revenge your ex

Because Sometimes Getting Back is the Only Way to Go Forward

or

Yes, It Does Taste Sweet Indeed

I’ve always been a big fan of revenge. I know a lot of people believe in the art of letting things go, forgiving, moving on, but fuck that. Revenge is way more fun. Of course, I could seek revenge Game of Thrones style, incorporate a bit of poison into some wine or just blow up my entire city, but that may be a bit extreme considering the person who wronged me isn’t really work going to prison over.

I came up with a list of things I’m going to do instead as my way of saying “fuck you, buddy.” I think it’s pretty well-rounded. Feel free to take a look for yourselves below.

Happy Rabbit

7 Ways I’m Getting Revenge

1.
Finally Finish Writing My Book

It’s been a long time coming; I’ve worked on this book for over a year. I finished the first draft months ago but couldn’t get myself to go back and edit it. Now, I have a second wind and angry wind thus it’s second draft time. Get ready world it’s going to be a good one.

2.
Continue Growing My Website and Patreon
Nothing says revenge like sweet sweet success. So, I’m buckling down and getting to it harder than ever before (perhaps you’ll be getting harder than ever before too…).
3.
Grow My Big Thick Ass
Something about having a big thick ass that none of my exes can ever touch again makes me feel accomplished. Sure, I grew it myself, but it does take work to continue said growth and to keep it looking round and plump and oh so irresistible.

4.
Leave the House Hot Hot Hot
It’s Denver and it’s pretty impossible to go anywhere without running into someone. There’s a pretty high percentage that that someone could be someone I’ve fucked before, maybe even the guy I most recently fucked. So, when I leave my house I want to make sure my big thick ass is looking as fine as hell.

5.

Post Instagram Pics That Will Devastate Him
Sure, it’s petty but baby doesn’t care. Baby wants the even bigger baby to cry.

6.

Cackle
This bitch loves a good cackle.

7.
Date Someone Better
This shouldn’t be too hard considering.

So there you have it. That’s my whole list. If you think there’s anything I should add feel free to leave your suggestions int he comments below.

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Masturbation Monday: More Than Two Book Review

more than two an ethical guide to polyamory

A Review of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory

Or

Can Non-Monogamy Work and Can Any Book Actually Help People Get There?

First of all, let’s get this out of the way. I started exploring the concepts of non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships many years ago. You can read a plethora of articles on these topics from when I wrote for elephant journal way back in the day.

At this point in my life I can not claim to be polyamorous nor can I claim to be monogamous.

I am somewhere in the middle.

Recently, I even had a boyfriend for all of about ten days; we had made an agreement that we could still have random casual sex on occasion and that we could also explore group sex together if that sort of event became available. Unfortunately, we never got to that point before some incidents occurred in which we are now in different time-out corners (perhaps I’ll go into this a bit more after I’ve had more time to process it).

Anyway, I know quite a few polyamorous people and as someone who is trying to create my own relationship scripts, it’s interesting to see what and how other people do romantic and intimate relationships.

More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory is one of those poly-classic books. There are people who live by its every word; people who take certain parts and apply those; and some people who disregard all the information in it entirely.

I started reading it over ten weeks ago. I am pissed about how long it took me to get through to be perfectly honest. Mostly, because I had started the year attempting to read a book a week and now I am ten books behind. I won’t blame it entirely on the book itself. The summer heat didn’t help. Nor did my budding romance.

So here we are now, finally.

What did I think?

Is it worth the read?

Would I recommend it to polyamorous beginners?

What about non-poly people?

Yes and no to all of that.

The book is broken into five parts. Regardless of whether you’re non-monogamous, open, closed, polyamorous, gay, straight, pansexual, etc. I believe that everyone should at least read Part Two: A Poly Toolkit. This section is all about understanding the self, diving deeper into the art of communication, and living with integrity.

The authors (Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert) make many excellent points in this section of the book that resonate with improving any and all types of relationships.

What I’ve learned through my own experiences is that it doesn’t matter if you’re dating one person or 10; if you have weak communication skills you’re going to have weak relationships.

Communicating well is not easy either. I surely have plenty of work to do, but I’m at least acknowledging where I’m at; I can see the gaps. I can admit I’m not close to being perfect. More Than Two goes into communication failures and strategies + additional resources to help people continue to work on it.

If you are a polyamory beginner the book does offer decent information on many of the issues that are likely to arise. Personally, I think it’s a bit long and would recommend reading over the sections when you come to it in your reality as opposed to trying to cram all the information in your brain at once.

There are elements of polyamory that I am drawn to, such as creating a community of intimate friends, writing our own scripts of how relationships can work; sharing joy and love and dinner (clearly I’m hungry right now). But there are plenty of other things I am not drawn to; like the drama; all the talking and talking and talking; and the super-packed schedules trying to fit everyone in when there are only so many days in a week.

Perhaps I’m just a bit bitter right now because I’m having my own personal issues happening that are leaving me exhausted. Like, I can’t even get one relationship to work right, the thought of adding more to the pile makes me want to go live like a hermit in a cave somewhere far away. And you know, someone did write about a guy who did that, you can read my review of The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit on my other blog here.

What are your thoughts on More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and / or polyamory in general. Comment below or send me an email to discuss in more depth!

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Do You Feel Worthy Enough To Handle The Rejections From Dating?

worthy of rejection

Tits Out & Truth Bombs Tuesday

Or

Some People Can’t Handle Your Worthiness

I couldn’t sleep last night. I felt sad and disappointed about my current state in love, dating, life.

I know it’s difficult for some of you to believe, but I’ve been rejected quite a bit lately.

(The most recent by a guy who claimed he really liked me, was totally into me; told me to text him then didn’t respond for nine days. Only to tell me when he did finally respond that he had hooked back up with his ex and has now decided to get back together with her. But… he still “wants to be friends.” #coolcarrot)

Dating can be a struggle for everyone, even people who are expert daters. One reason why I’m an expert dater is because of all the rejection, both to and from me.

It’s hard out there. And I’m not talking just about boners.

In the book I’ve been reading (More Than Two), the authors write:

“Even the healthiest person, when persistently rejected, will hurt.”

And it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel sad or angry or disappointed when something doesn’t work out with someone, particularly when so many possibilities had felt so possible. Yet, I know that I am worthy of great, loving, thoughtful, intimate relationships. I know what I am capable of giving back to other people. I know how much love is already in my life, which helps me from spiraling all the way down into a bottomless pit of despair.

I also know that I have to feel the sadness. Because if I don’t feel it, it will bottle up and turn into something really ugly that no one, including myself, wants to see.

Here are some questions that I have been asking myself, perhaps they will also help you if you’ve recently been rejected.

  • What do I bring to others’ lives? (In friendships, family, and romance)
  • What love is already in my life?
  • What have I learned from these recent dating experiences?
  • How can I apply these learnings to create better relationships in the future?
  • What do I really want and what can I truly give?

I am so grateful to all of you who have been reading/watching/enjoying/following this blog. To tell you the WHOLE truth, starting this blog kept me from killing myself. I understand that that sounds dramatic, but I was in a pretty dark place a couple of months ago; my creativity was stifled, I didn’t know what I wanted, I was drinking and doing too many drugs.

Now at least my creativity isn’t stifled and I know what I want 🙂

Rejection is one of the costs of dating. It can be painful, but perhaps we can all look rejection more as a type of growing pain than something specifically directed at you as a person. Everyone is out there looking for different things and we can’t also be the one to give those things to another.

As they say:

“The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.”

I’m not expert at any of this, but I have had many and plenty of experiences. I’m going to continue onward, knowing the difference between needing and wanting someone… knowing what I can give and knowing what I’m willing to take. Knowing that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in a relationship with you, but they are still beautiful wonderful people who deserve love and fulfillment.

Rejection is alright.

Because in the end, even when we lose, we win.

happy sad crying
Look! I cried a tear. Not because of rejection but because I thought of all the love I already have in my life and it made me so happy I cried.

Pre-coffee / Pre-process of emotions / early morning wake-up video / honestly have no idea what I even say on this but didn’t want you all to think I’m hiding shit from you. . .

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What Was This Ghost Guy Thinking?

dude no

Ran Into a Ghost Last Night

Guess That Makes Him a Zombie?

Last night I went to my regular watering hole. This bar is just a few blocks down the street from me and it’s cheap, which means it’s dangerous but also the most fun.

While I was there with my friend and her not-boyfriend-boyfriend not one but TWO different guys I have had sexual relations in the past happened to wander in.

One made sense as he is my neighbor. And whatever, we still talk occasionally, no big deal.

The second one lives nowhere around here. He, in fact, was one of the many men who GHOSTED me in the past. Which was really fucking ironic or serendipitous or whatever as I had just written about ghosting two days ago. Maybe he knew and subconsciously felt left out since I failed to mention him in that post. Anyway, it had been over six months since I had seen, heard, or even thought about that guy.

I was at the bar ordering another drink (we will say it was my 5th but who keeps count these days?) when I noticed a quite attractive man a few stools down from me.

“You look familiar,” he said as he took a sip of his whiskey on the rocks.

I stare at him for a moment and then it hits me:

“Oh, indeed. That’s because we’ve fucked.”

His eyes go wide. He realizes it too.

“Oh! Yes. I guess that would be the reason.”

I move closer to him (he’s still looking as fine as the day we boned):

“I was just thinking about you the other day,” I say, “I was writing a blog about ghosting and I remembered you because we had this long philosophical conversation about dating and being open and honest and how ghosting was a bullshit form of not communicating. Remember that? Then, do you remember how I sent you some texts the next couple of days after and you never replied? Like, how you said you’d never ghost and then you did just that?! That was hilarious!!”

He furrows his brow:

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do,” he insists.

Fast-forward to today and this text exchange where he informed he was now back with his ex-wife. But, here’s the kicker, he continued:

“I wouldn’t say it’s entirely accurate that I’m not into you.”

They are not in an open relationship.

I’m trying to understand the male brain here.

We went out a couple of times. We had sex. We stopped talking. We run into each other and have a casual conversation. Then he texts me to tell me he’s back with his ex but he might still be into me?!

If I were his ex-wife I would have stayed an ex because of this kind of behavior.

Exes are exes for a reason.

There’s this meme:

mcdonalds fries
True or False?

I’m not saying it’s ALWAYS bad. I’m sure there are circumstances where reuniting after spending time on personal growth might make it more reasonable and likely for success.

But… if you’re with someone monogamously and you’re thinking about how you might possibly be into someone else… perhaps that’s a sign that the two of you aren’t right for each other?

Or maybe he’s the type of guy who likes to have a serious relationship but then get fresh hot fries on the side?

Yes, I like sex. I am a slut. I enjoy hot fresh fries just as much as the next person, but I do have boundaries. I even have morals if you can believe it. And even if this guy and his ex-wife end up apart again (and they will as that’s pretty apparent) I could not, would not want to ever take a bite of his fries.

I can forgive a ghost (cuz they dead). I can’t accept a zombie though, because I enjoy having my brains intact.

Anyone have a different opinion on the matter? Am I reading it wrong? Did I just waste a bunch of time thinking about this? Probs.

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Ghosts, Ghosting, Being Ghosted

when someone doesn't text you back

Ghosting. The art of not texting back.

Ghosting. The art of ignoring someone’s text forever, like ya dead.

Ghosting. Pretending to not exist so you feel no guilt about not liking someone and thus never texting them back.

Ghosting Part 1: Why People Ghost

Almost any single person who has a cell phone and has casually dated has ghosted or been ghosted. At this point, it’s as common as the one night stand itself.

Of course, there could be other reasons why the person isn’t texting you back.

Here are 5 potential (legit) reasons for texts not being returned.

  1.  Their phone is dead. (This can and does happen, but how long can a person without a phone in these modern times, one day, two… a week maybe?)
  2.  Their phone died and they lost all their contact information (ugh, have you heard of facebook stalking?!)
  3.  Someone stole their phone and sold it on eBay.
  4.  They decided to go on a silent retreat.
  5.  They traveled to the middle of nowhere and they have no cell phone reception.

Sure, sure, any of those events are plausible. But, if you text a person and they do not respond within a few days they are either ghosting you or you are in no way a priority in their busy busy lives.

9 Reasons Why a Person Would Ghost Another Person

  1. As the stupid fucking self-help dating book once said (a million times) perhaps they’re “just not into you.”
  2. They’re chicken-shit and don’t know how to say they’re not interested.
  3. They have no idea HOW to text.
  4. They saw the text, responded in their head, but forgot to do it in reality, and then they were embarrassed and decided to never talk to you again.
  5. They discovered you were actually a crazy person and thought it best to slowly back away and ignore.
  6. You’re just not very interesting and they don’t have time for you.
  7. They don’t have time for you even though you are very interesting.
  8. The person is an asshole.
  9. The person actually died.

All of these things can and do happen. But, what do you do when you’re on the (not) receiving end of a Ghost?

Ghosting Part 2: How to Overcome the Ghost

Sure, yes, it sucks to be into someone and for them to not give you the attention you want back in the time-frame you expect their attention to return to you. Yet, here is my advice to you (and to myself… because yeah, I have gone through this too).

Put your phone down.

Go do something else.

Quit fucking caring about getting validation from someone else.

I know it’s easier said than done.

Once you start doing it though, it gets WAY easier and you’ll feel better overall anyway separating from the technology that keeps you down. Binds you to the constant scroll, the constant need for other people to pay attention to you.

If someone doesn’t text you back, it’s on them, not you.

It doesn’t matter the reason. It could be valid or it could be stupid regardless it’s not a reflection of who YOU are, it’s a reflection of them.

If you desire more attention, if you want someone involved in your life and that Ghost wants to be dead to you, let them be dead.

Fuck them.

You don’t need to deal with the dead when being alive is hard enough as it is.

Ghosting: Bonus Part 3: A Better Way to Ghost

Finally, from my own personal experiences with ghosts and ghosting, I do my best to tell a person, “hey, I didn’t really feel a connection, but it was great meeting you. Good luck out there.” Then of course, if they continue to text me I will ghost. I will also accidentally ghost from time to time (see #4 and #8 and prob #6 or #7). I try not to beat myself up about it. I try to just carry on. As we all should.

RIP ghosts. RIP.

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Is there a solution for couples who have differing sex drives?

polyamory saves sexual incompatibility

Whether Your Sex Drive is High, Low, Or Medium Rare

Could Polyamory Save Sexually Incompatible Relationships?

I have always had an exceptionally high sex drive. The kind of high sex drive that would hump anything that happens to be in the same room when it revs up (here’s looking at you couch cushion… jk I’ve never done that… but now I’m thinking about it).

My sex drive is so high that when they put me on Prozac for depression I was actually excited when the doctor told me it could interfere with my desire to have sex. I was like, please Goddess, please interfere with my desire. And it did. Oh yes. I went from an extremely high sex drive to an above average sex drive.

In other words, I only wanted to hump whatever was in the room 80% of the time instead of 95%, which of course led me to get a few other things done–something I really cherished.

Of course, because I’m terribly stubborn and think I can overcome my depression and high-sex drive all by myself I have yet again stopped taking the Prozac and am back up to 95%.

Luckily I have Tinder and vibrators and fingers (and couches now I guess) oh yes, and the occasional person I’ve slept with before who happens to want to have sex with me again for some reason (probably not for my personality, but who really knows these days).

In any event. My sex drive is HIGH. Not as high as say Snoop Dogg on 420, but high nonetheless. Maybe as high as Ilana from Broad City when she’s hanging out in the bathroom stall during work. I have never dated a person with a sex drive as high as mine. In fact, several if not many of my relationships have ended because our levels of sexual desire were not compatible. In other words, they can’t fuck me enough*.

I’ve tried to get over it. That’s why I took up running and yoga. Reading and writing. Extreme masturbation (not sure what that is but it sounds like something I’d do). I tried just getting over it. I tried being happy with what I got. I always wanted more though. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m built. Whatever. I like sex. I like a lot of sex. Almost everyone likes sex to some degree (minus the asexual people, which you do your thing and I’ll do mine, okay?).

So what do you do when you find someone you’re compatible with that has a totally different sex drive than yours?

Many relationship experts say that if you’re not sexually compatible than you should break up, move on, not even bother trying to work it out because you’ll always be disappointed one way or the other when it comes to getting your freak on (either too much in an attempt to please your partner or not enough in an attempt to please your partner).

But what if there was a solution?

This morning I started reading the book More Than Two (A practical guide to ethical polyamory). In the first chapter the authors write:

“Some people go into poly to have more sex; some people go into poly to have less sex.”

It’s weird because I’ve been reading theory and advice and having discussions on polyamory and monogamy for like, basically a decade now and probably because I myself have a high sex drive never had even considered that it could also work out well for people with LOW sex drives.

Let’s say that I want to have sex an average of about 5 to 7 times a week. My partner X is only really down for sex about 3 to 4 times a week. If we’re in polyamorous relationships then I could have another partner, Y, that was able to help me get off more and help X not have to have as much sex. And then Y can have sex with someone else too or just with K depending on Y’s sex drive levels.

K + X + Y = sexual fulfillment for all…

This is just a hypothetical scenario. But it COULD be a better option than ending a relationship just because one element is not aligned.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this matter?

Anyone else struggle with a low or high sex drive that makes it so you’re often not sexually compatible with your partner?

What have you done to find balance?

Would you consider polyamory as a solution?

Also, side note…

Many of you claim to read my blog on occasion. Awesome. Thank you! If you’d like, you can follow it. You can subscribe to my youtube channel and you can also follow me on Instagram to get updates as often as I update… which is usually daily unless I’m hungover.

*Admittedly when I was in the long-term 5+ years monogamous my sex drive did finally die, but that’s a story for another day… one I will prob never tell because I just told the gist of it.

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