What Was This Ghost Guy Thinking?

dude no

Ran Into a Ghost Last Night

Guess That Makes Him a Zombie?

Last night I went to my regular watering hole. This bar is just a few blocks down the street from me and it’s cheap, which means it’s dangerous but also the most fun.

While I was there with my friend and her not-boyfriend-boyfriend not one but TWO different guys I have had sexual relations in the past happened to wander in.

One made sense as he is my neighbor. And whatever, we still talk occasionally, no big deal.

The second one lives nowhere around here. He, in fact, was one of the many men who GHOSTED me in the past. Which was really fucking ironic or serendipitous or whatever as I had just written about ghosting two days ago. Maybe he knew and subconsciously felt left out since I failed to mention him in that post. Anyway, it had been over six months since I had seen, heard, or even thought about that guy.

I was at the bar ordering another drink (we will say it was my 5th but who keeps count these days?) when I noticed a quite attractive man a few stools down from me.

“You look familiar,” he said as he took a sip of his whiskey on the rocks.

I stare at him for a moment and then it hits me:

“Oh, indeed. That’s because we’ve fucked.”

His eyes go wide. He realizes it too.

“Oh! Yes. I guess that would be the reason.”

I move closer to him (he’s still looking as fine as the day we boned):

“I was just thinking about you the other day,” I say, “I was writing a blog about ghosting and I remembered you because we had this long philosophical conversation about dating and being open and honest and how ghosting was a bullshit form of not communicating. Remember that? Then, do you remember how I sent you some texts the next couple of days after and you never replied? Like, how you said you’d never ghost and then you did just that?! That was hilarious!!”

He furrows his brow:

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do,” he insists.

Fast-forward to today and this text exchange where he informed he was now back with his ex-wife. But, here’s the kicker, he continued:

“I wouldn’t say it’s entirely accurate that I’m not into you.”

They are not in an open relationship.

I’m trying to understand the male brain here.

We went out a couple of times. We had sex. We stopped talking. We run into each other and have a casual conversation. Then he texts me to tell me he’s back with his ex but he might still be into me?!

If I were his ex-wife I would have stayed an ex because of this kind of behavior.

Exes are exes for a reason.

There’s this meme:

mcdonalds fries
True or False?

I’m not saying it’s ALWAYS bad. I’m sure there are circumstances where reuniting after spending time on personal growth might make it more reasonable and likely for success.

But… if you’re with someone monogamously and you’re thinking about how you might possibly be into someone else… perhaps that’s a sign that the two of you aren’t right for each other?

Or maybe he’s the type of guy who likes to have a serious relationship but then get fresh hot fries on the side?

Yes, I like sex. I am a slut. I enjoy hot fresh fries just as much as the next person, but I do have boundaries. I even have morals if you can believe it. And even if this guy and his ex-wife end up apart again (and they will as that’s pretty apparent) I could not, would not want to ever take a bite of his fries.

I can forgive a ghost (cuz they dead). I can’t accept a zombie though, because I enjoy having my brains intact.

Anyone have a different opinion on the matter? Am I reading it wrong? Did I just waste a bunch of time thinking about this? Probs.

Ghosts, Ghosting, Being Ghosted

when someone doesn't text you back

Ghosting. The art of not texting back.

Ghosting. The art of ignoring someone’s text forever, like ya dead.

Ghosting. Pretending to not exist so you feel no guilt about not liking someone and thus never texting them back.

Ghosting Part 1: Why People Ghost

Almost any single person who has a cell phone and has casually dated has ghosted or been ghosted. At this point, it’s as common as the one night stand itself.

Of course, there could be other reasons why the person isn’t texting you back.

Here are 5 potential (legit) reasons for texts not being returned.

  1.  Their phone is dead. (This can and does happen, but how long can a person without a phone in these modern times, one day, two… a week maybe?)
  2.  Their phone died and they lost all their contact information (ugh, have you heard of facebook stalking?!)
  3.  Someone stole their phone and sold it on eBay.
  4.  They decided to go on a silent retreat.
  5.  They traveled to the middle of nowhere and they have no cell phone reception.

Sure, sure, any of those events are plausible. But, if you text a person and they do not respond within a few days they are either ghosting you or you are in no way a priority in their busy busy lives.

9 Reasons Why a Person Would Ghost Another Person

  1. As the stupid fucking self-help dating book once said (a million times) perhaps they’re “just not into you.”
  2. They’re chicken-shit and don’t know how to say they’re not interested.
  3. They have no idea HOW to text.
  4. They saw the text, responded in their head, but forgot to do it in reality, and then they were embarrassed and decided to never talk to you again.
  5. They discovered you were actually a crazy person and thought it best to slowly back away and ignore.
  6. You’re just not very interesting and they don’t have time for you.
  7. They don’t have time for you even though you are very interesting.
  8. The person is an asshole.
  9. The person actually died.

All of these things can and do happen. But, what do you do when you’re on the (not) receiving end of a Ghost?

Ghosting Part 2: How to Overcome the Ghost

Sure, yes, it sucks to be into someone and for them to not give you the attention you want back in the time-frame you expect their attention to return to you. Yet, here is my advice to you (and to myself… because yeah, I have gone through this too).

Put your phone down.

Go do something else.

Quit fucking caring about getting validation from someone else.

I know it’s easier said than done.

Once you start doing it though, it gets WAY easier and you’ll feel better overall anyway separating from the technology that keeps you down. Binds you to the constant scroll, the constant need for other people to pay attention to you.

If someone doesn’t text you back, it’s on them, not you.

It doesn’t matter the reason. It could be valid or it could be stupid regardless it’s not a reflection of who YOU are, it’s a reflection of them.

If you desire more attention, if you want someone involved in your life and that Ghost wants to be dead to you, let them be dead.

Fuck them.

You don’t need to deal with the dead when being alive is hard enough as it is.

Ghosting: Bonus Part 3: A Better Way to Ghost

Finally, from my own personal experiences with ghosts and ghosting, I do my best to tell a person, “hey, I didn’t really feel a connection, but it was great meeting you. Good luck out there.” Then of course, if they continue to text me I will ghost. I will also accidentally ghost from time to time (see #4 and #8 and prob #6 or #7). I try not to beat myself up about it. I try to just carry on. As we all should.

RIP ghosts. RIP.

Is there a solution for couples who have differing sex drives?

polyamory saves sexual incompatibility

Whether Your Sex Drive is High, Low, Or Medium Rare

Could Polyamory Save Sexually Incompatible Relationships?

I have always had an exceptionally high sex drive. The kind of high sex drive that would hump anything that happens to be in the same room when it revs up (here’s looking at you couch cushion… jk I’ve never done that… but now I’m thinking about it).

My sex drive is so high that when they put me on Prozac for depression I was actually excited when the doctor told me it could interfere with my desire to have sex. I was like, please Goddess, please interfere with my desire. And it did. Oh yes. I went from an extremely high sex drive to an above average sex drive.

In other words, I only wanted to hump whatever was in the room 80% of the time instead of 95%, which of course led me to get a few other things done–something I really cherished.

Of course, because I’m terribly stubborn and think I can overcome my depression and high-sex drive all by myself I have yet again stopped taking the Prozac and am back up to 95%.

Luckily I have Tinder and vibrators and fingers (and couches now I guess) oh yes, and the occasional person I’ve slept with before who happens to want to have sex with me again for some reason (probably not for my personality, but who really knows these days).

In any event. My sex drive is HIGH. Not as high as say Snoop Dogg on 420, but high nonetheless. Maybe as high as Ilana from Broad City when she’s hanging out in the bathroom stall during work. I have never dated a person with a sex drive as high as mine. In fact, several if not many of my relationships have ended because our levels of sexual desire were not compatible. In other words, they can’t fuck me enough*.

I’ve tried to get over it. That’s why I took up running and yoga. Reading and writing. Extreme masturbation (not sure what that is but it sounds like something I’d do). I tried just getting over it. I tried being happy with what I got. I always wanted more though. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m built. Whatever. I like sex. I like a lot of sex. Almost everyone likes sex to some degree (minus the asexual people, which you do your thing and I’ll do mine, okay?).

So what do you do when you find someone you’re compatible with that has a totally different sex drive than yours?

Many relationship experts say that if you’re not sexually compatible than you should break up, move on, not even bother trying to work it out because you’ll always be disappointed one way or the other when it comes to getting your freak on (either too much in an attempt to please your partner or not enough in an attempt to please your partner).

But what if there was a solution?

This morning I started reading the book More Than Two (A practical guide to ethical polyamory). In the first chapter the authors write:

“Some people go into poly to have more sex; some people go into poly to have less sex.”

It’s weird because I’ve been reading theory and advice and having discussions on polyamory and monogamy for like, basically a decade now and probably because I myself have a high sex drive never had even considered that it could also work out well for people with LOW sex drives.

Let’s say that I want to have sex an average of about 5 to 7 times a week. My partner X is only really down for sex about 3 to 4 times a week. If we’re in polyamorous relationships then I could have another partner, Y, that was able to help me get off more and help X not have to have as much sex. And then Y can have sex with someone else too or just with K depending on Y’s sex drive levels.

K + X + Y = sexual fulfillment for all…

This is just a hypothetical scenario. But it COULD be a better option than ending a relationship just because one element is not aligned.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this matter?

Anyone else struggle with a low or high sex drive that makes it so you’re often not sexually compatible with your partner?

What have you done to find balance?

Would you consider polyamory as a solution?

 

Also, side note…

Many of you claim to read my blog on occasion. Awesome. Thank you! If you’d like, you can follow it. You can subscribe to my youtube channel and you can also follow me on Instagram to get updates as often as I update… which is usually daily unless I’m hungover.

 

*Admittedly when I was in the long-term 5+ years monogamous my sex drive did finally die, but that’s a story for another day… one I will prob never tell because I just told the gist of it.

 

WTF is New Relationship Energy?

polyamory and new relationships

New Relationship Energy v. Old Relationship Energy

or

How do you navigate new relationships while maintaining your current ones?

I went on this Tinder date the other night with this guy (who was super hot btw) and somehow we got into the discussion of polyamory v. monogamy. I’m going to save part of our conversation regarding the origin of marriage for another day and instead discuss the polyamorous concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

New Relationship Energy is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; it’s that overwhelming crushing feeling, that OMG this other person is so rad feeling, it’s like fucking rainbows and birds chirping happy songs and everything being amazing because you like someone and that someone likes you back! You’re basically on a drug called Love, which can be stronger than the strongest coke. It’s intoxicating. It’s ecstatic. It’s delicious.

I made a comment about how within open relationships New Relationship Energy can help spark the flame in the relationships people already have. My date didn’t really believe me. When I got home I opened up the Ethical Slut. I got on a few poly blogs. They didn’t believe me either.

Everyone seems to be screaming loud warnings about the dangers of New Relationship Energy.

They claim it can be distracting. It can cause you to do really stupid things. It can lead you to ignore other relationships (friends, lovers, family), it can cause you to fuck up a lot at work. Some people even get addicted to NRE and cannot seem to ever have a long-lasting committed relationship because once the energy calms down they want more of it. They want to do it again. It feels SO good. (Some may claim I’m an NRE-addict but really people just can’t handle being around me long-term).

Regardless of all of these warnings of which I agree can totally happen, I also still believe my own point of view that NRE can actually help make current relationships healthier too.

For an example in mainstream media, consider the show Easy (Netflix). Season 2, Episode 2, “Open Marriage.” In it, a couple who has been in a monogamous marriage for like 20ish years decides to open it up. The thought alone causes them both to get really excited and in turn, have better sex. The guy even said, “we should have opened our marriage up a long time ago!” Now, of course, they hadn’t even experience NRE at that point, they were experiencing the IDEA of experiencing NRE and that alone was enough to excite them.

But isn’t that just it. The idea that someone new finds you interesting and attractive reminds you of what you find interesting and attractive about yourself and all the relationships you currently have going on. Sure, the NRE can be distracting because you’re trying to learn all you can about this new person in your life. But, if you remember to take a breath, step by, give time to your other relationships, those relationships can see an added boost in connection as well.

So, yeah, people in the poly community say to approach the NRE with caution. And though I agree on some level, I also think people should fully embrace this energy and use it to propel their new relationships and their current relationships to the next level.
Poly people talk about compersion… which is the concept of feeling happiness for someone else’s happiness and though it might be difficult to see someone you love falling for someone else it can also be beautiful. (It also does not have to exist in just the poly community alone, monogamous people can feel this way too). Challenging, sure. Overcoming jealousy and the fear of abandonment is not easy, particularly in a society that promotes scarcity and owning other people. But, it can be done and the benefits of embracing compersion and new relationship energy (whether yours or someone you love) outweighs the drawbacks.

As for the date? It ended with us belting out 90s pop songs and making out, so I’d say it was a success all around, even if it probably won’t lead to a new relationship of any kind, but the energy of that night was fantastic (and did I mention he was really hot?)

Does Dick Size Matter?

cock size matters

Dick Down. Carrots Out. Do Not Engage.

or

How the Size Of Your Dick Does Not Make You A Decent Person

The other day I received yet another direct message from a stranger on Instagram. The message was rather funny (about the phallic diet I am currently on) and the guy sending it did not have a private account so I could tell he was a real person. Plus, we had like 5 mutual friends in the Boulder/Denver area; I thought, what the heck, I’ll give this conversation a shot.

The first thing he felt the need to talk to me about was his dick size.

I’d like to stop for a second and make a sweeping generalization about dudes who talk about their dicks to complete strangers on the internet.

Has anyone else ever noticed that is is almost always white dudes and it is almost always white dudes who supposedly have a dick that is at least 7.5 inches if not bigger? I’ve never had a dude message me that he had a 5.37-inch long dick. Is this just something big dicked dudes desire to do more than anyone else, brag about something on their body that could cause potential cervical damage or even brain damage to any woman involved?

baby carrot dick is still tasty
Delicious dick no matter the size

Anyhoo. I honestly didn’t even care about that. I thought the conversation was kind of funny. But then he flipped.

He went cray cray.

And now the thing he was most paranoid about happening is happening.

I am here blogging/vlogging about him.

For hours he continued to converse with me about sex stuff and how he likes to eat strawberry pie–which turns out to be a reference to ginger-haired pussy I guess. Then abruptly he accused me of only interacting with him so I could make a video about it later.

The idea hadn’t even occurred to me until he said it. I didn’t find him that interesting or worthwhile to discuss.

But, he wouldn’t let it go. He was convinced that I was going to make fun of him and smash his tiny little ego. So here I am making fun of him and destroying his ego.

Here’s the deal, dudes (and ladies). If you’ve never met me and you’re afraid if you interact with me I might talk about it on the internet and you don’t want me to talk about you on the internet, here’s a friendly suggestion–do not engage me.

This dude was like, “if I went and talked about you on the internet wouldn’t that bother you? I think what you’re doing is shitty.”

My question is– are you going to tag me in the post? Because I could use some more followers.

I told him if he didn’t like it he could just stop talking to me. And I guess he didn’t like it because he unfollowed me and blocked me on Instagram, which honestly I feel rather flattered about.

Anyway here’s a video blog where I discuss dick size aka carrot stick size. What’s your preference?

Weird Florida Stories About Good v. Evil

big dudes throwing things

Angel v. Demon

or

How to Balance Your Good and Your Evil

Friday Night Story

Saturday Night Story

There are moments in my life that I wonder if I am actually a bad influence on people. Like when I suggest to 20-years-olds that they can drink my beer when I’m “not looking” because I remember what it’s like to be a 20-year-old who wanted to drink. I think I’m doing a good thing when really I’m just helping a young woman potentially become an alcoholic.

Then the next night… my Tinder date takes me to the 4th bar of the night. As we park we see this HUGE dude throwing this newspaper stand all the way across the sidewalk. Eventually, we make our way to the front and he pops up.

Somehow I talk him out of murdering his girlfriend.

So. Am I an angel. Am I a demon? Is it possible to be both at the same time? Is that what makes us human? The same as being right AND wrong. And understanding it’s okay to be a walking contradiction because we ALL are.

This guy was like 6’5″ and SUPER buff but he was also a teddy bear at the same time who didn’t actually want to hurt the person he loved (and so he took it out on a newspaper stand). I found it fascinating. Like how he could throw other people’s property across the sidewalk and then the next minute be near tears thinking about how his mother never taught him how to love right.

Like, wow. That’s some fucking up-level self-reflection shit happening.

I am impressed by the nuances of humanity. Everyone talks about Florida in this sort of stereotypical way, where all the people here eat bath salts and try to eat each others’ faces off, but in reality, the people here are legit. There are hipsters and entrepreneurs and racists and artists and cooks that love wu-tang. It’s beautiful. Like I said to my friend the other night when I was SOBER and we were hanging out on the ocean… “we’re all just seashells that have been spat out of mother earth’s womb. Some of us are broken. Some of us are pretty. Some of us are broken AND pretty.”

Maybe we’ll be picked up and put into a pretty glass jar. Maybe we’ll get smashed into a million tiny pieces and become a part of the sand. Either way, we’re all here and we’re all trying to make it work, however, we can make it work for us while we’re here.

Help! What Would You Do? Ex Texts. Now What?

ex text situation

Give Me Your Thoughts on the Ex Text Scenario

or

Does It Matter If You Still Like The Person?

What would you do if someone who ended a relationship with you started texting you again?

  1. Ignore or Ghost?
  2. Tell person to leave you the fuck alone?
  3. Respond Kindly?
  4. Respond like the weird person you are inside?

Also to clarify, the person texting me is not technically an ex because we were never officially anything and at this point we never will be. I did like him, but he ruined it by his abrupt change of mind and I can’t really think of any way he could ever make up for that. No amount of burritos could ever repair that hole.

As I said before, I did learn so much from our short time together. Mainly that I don’t have to take other people’s shit who don’t get me at the core of who I am.  I never thought it would include him, but now it does.

I’ve also been contemplating whether or not I fall for people too fast. It seems like I often find qualities about a person I enjoy and then because I don’t want to be wrong about my initial response I lie to myself and deny the shit qualities that surface over time. There is nothing wrong with accepting people just as they are… but just because you accept them as they are it does not mean you have to spend time with them or have them in your life.

I do wish all my exes the best of luck with love and life in general, even that one dickhead who tried to accuse me of giving him an STI when he had just been wanking off too much and rubbed himself raw. I even hope that that asshole learns how to not be such an asshole so other people can enjoy being around him.

P.S.

Even though I am a slut, I get tested every 3 to 4 months. My last test was April 11th, 2018. Yes, just a few days ago. Because if you’re going to be a slut you should try to be as ethical about it as possible.  

Bonus!

This bunny is harder than it looks! There is something satisfying yet also sad when the head of the bunny disappears via the eating of the head of the bunny.