Uncuffed and Alone: An Exercise to Help You Get More (And Better) Dates

tips for better dating

A Tip for Better Dating

Love, Romance, And The Art of Being

So, you survived the holiday season as a single entity. January has been alright since everyone is all about getting healthy and transforming into a new ‘you’ blah blah. But, the season of love approaches and your dating life has seen better days.

I’m going to offer a simple exercise to add to your daily life to potentially improve your dating life, because just like one would do crunches in order to strengthen their ab muscles one must also actively exercise their social skills.

I’m not going to tell you to delete your dating apps or to learn to love yourself more, I think both of those suggestions lean on the bullshit side of things.

Sure, dating apps can be discouraging, to say the least, but they are but one resource, one tool, in the world of romance and you might as well use all that you have, right? Because you never know. You definitely won’t know if you don’t try.

Male Sex Toys 300x250

I also want to take a minute to unpack the concept of “learning to love yourself more.”

I mean, is wanting to have a meaningful relationship with another person keeping you from loving yourself? No.

Are you living your life doing the things you want to do?

Are you working on your own personal growth and development in the best way you can?

Because here’s the thing, we all do the best we can at the place that we’re at. Some days are going to better than other days. Some days you might be hard on yourself or be annoyed with yourself but that doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself enough.

What right does anyone else have to tell you how much love you have for yourself?

It’s sort of like when someone suggests that you “just be yourself,” as if that means anything, as if it was possible to somehow transform suddenly into another body with another personality.

If people were really trying to give you some good advice, the best advice would be to cut the “yourself” from the phrase and to suggest that you “just be.”

To be present in the moment that you are in and to not attach yourself so severely to your thoughts or your emotions.

Do you remember a time when you were angry or joyful or afraid? You can feel how that feeling felt but you also know that it’s a memory and you weren’t stuck in that feeling for your entire life. In that sense, when feelings arise in the present you can remember that they will not necessarily stick around either. This is an important skill to have in not just your dating life but life in general and is a much better suggestion than learning to love yourself more.

But, I digress.

Here’s a simple exercise to add to your everyday life. When you venture out into the world, try for the next couple of weeks to engage in conversation with at least 3 random people every day. I’m talking complete strangers–old ladies, kids, teachers, baristas, neighbors, friends of friends etc.

No, it doesn’t count to say, ‘how are doing’ to the guy at 711 every morning when you buy your doughnut or whatever, that’s just being a decent human being. I am suggesting a short dialogue involving at least one question that requires an answer beyond “fine.”

I know that this task may sound daunting to some people. Start with talking to one random person and go from there if three overwhelms you, but let me breakdown why this exercise has the potential to help your dating life.

Talking to strangers opens up connections. Suddenly, you and the people you interact with will feel a little less alone in the world. It’s a small act that contains much larger consequences. It’s recognizing our humanity. It’s a way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and break the invisible wall that we all often put up while in public spaces. It’s a way to be more engaged in your surroundings. It’s a way to make you an active participant in your own life, to write your own script instead of just watching your story unfold like a passive consumer.

Plus, you never know who you might meet. Once you’re at ease talking to someone else’s grandma or your best friend’s random cousin, it will not be out of character for you to talk to a random person you’re actually attracted. It will come out naturally. You will not be invested in the outcome but present in the moment of the interaction and thus will be more confident.

People are attracted to other people who are confident. We all know this, but many people don’t understand what it means or how to gain it, and I’m telling you right now. You have to hurl yourself into the unfamiliar until the unfamiliar is familiar.  

You think I’m being overdramatic, I dare you to give it a try.

Here’s a short example of something that could happen. Let’s say you enjoy reading books, so one day you go to the bookstore and you’re hanging out in your favorite genre section. While you’re there you see an older woman in her 50s also browsing. So, you say something along the lines of,

“Excuse me. Hello. I just finished a really amazing book about _____ and now I’m afraid that nothing I pick will live up to its amazingness. Do you have any recommendations on amazing life-changing books? I feel it’s always better to ask another book lover than to just randomly pick something.”  

Somehow you get into this crazy conversation about books and the best authors in the entire world.

As you’re wrapping up she says something like, “You know what, I think my niece would get a kick out of you. Are you seeing anyone?” And then, whoa, you just randomly got set up on a blind date.

OR nothing like that happens but you did just have an amazing conversation AND found a new book to read.

See where i’m going here?

Movember

Anyhoo. I am also single. So, if you’re willing to do this, I will do this as well because nothing is more bullshit than someone who tells someone else to try something that they aren’t willing to do themselves.

There will be days when you are just not in the mood. I would suggest to try it anyway because it’s the type of thing that could actually get you out of that mood.

Keep me posted on what happens, how you feel, etc. This shall be quite fun.

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Falling In Love with a Sociopath

sociopaths and dating and romance

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday: How To Know You’re Dating a Sociopath

or

Love is Indeed the Most Intense Drug

Discussing this is difficult. There’s a chance that I could be putting my life at risk. So, in a way, I’m doing this more for you all than for me. I’d prefer that no one else ever have to go through this type of situation.

Yes, I fell in love with a sociopath.
You know that phrase, “people tell you who they are”? Well, I guess I should have been a bit more aware since he has “sociopath” tattooed on his neck, and yet, I ignored the all-to-obvious sign.

Why did I ignore it?

I don’t know. I guess because I didn’t want to believe it.

Instead, I let the facts reveal themselves over time.

So, how do you know if you’re dating a sociopath?

1.
They’re Master Manipulators

They have both the intelligence and skill to extract your entire emotional range out of you. Honestly, it was like being on the most intense drug. For the most part, I’m pretty rational, some may even say cold. Yet, with him, I was ecstatic, joyful, angry, sad, frustrated– everything at its most intense. I’m grateful we met because for the longest time I thought I was incapable of feeling. He was able to bring it out in me in ways I didn’t think possible. Of course, it was for his own motivations, a way to feed off of other people because he lacked the necessary skills to feel himself. This is actually emotional abuse. It is not healthy. It is very dangerous.

2.
Their Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Because they are master manipulators and world-class liars they will say whatever they can to make you believe them. And you will believe them, even if you know deep down it’s a lie. You’ll want to believe them too because the love is the strongest love you’ve ever felt. You don’t want the relationship to end. Even if they continue to do things that are the opposite of what they say. For example, this man claimed to respect me, to value my time. He’d say he was coming right over then not show up for hours, even days. Or he’d invite me out with him, ignore me the entire time, then leave with other people.

3.
They Isolate You From Your Friends and Family

It got to the point where I wouldn’t talk to anyone about my relationship with him. He had non-consensually kissed my roommate at a party, completely snubbed all my friends while we were at a bar, got on my phone and sent private pics of my friend to himself, literally hit on other women right in front of me. My friends were aware of this behavior. They told me to get out. I didn’t listen though. I was under his spell. When I say all of this out loud, I know you’re thinking, “wtf, Krystal?” I’m telling you right now there isn’t reason behind it. That’s why it’s so powerful.

I mean, he was smart and charming and sexy and complex and interesting. And he made me feels that way too. Except when he didn’t. Except when he sucked all of my vital energy out from me and left me feeling insecure, weak, scared, dumb.

For the longest time, I’ve sat around wondering, why me? What was it about me that drew him towards me. I must have done something. It must be my fault.

Of course, that’s exactly how they want to leave you feeling.

The truth is that you will never know why. The ‘why,’ doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you disengage. Step away. Move on.

It will be the hardest thing you ever do.

Yes, that sounds dramatic. Imagine though that this love, these feelings, this relationship is more addictive than heroin or meth, more powerful than the feeling you get once you accomplish one of your major life goals, more intense than hiking Mt. Everest or finishing a marathon… then you may get a better idea of what I mean.

He got me. He won. I’m empty now.

Yet, I know that over time I will fill back up with something better.

What’s that quote… “the wound is where the light gets in.”

Perhaps I’ll shine a bit brighter after this.

Friday Feels: How to Stop Texting Your Ex

ways to keep from texting your ex

Put Your Phone Down, Hands Up, Step Away From The Device

or

No, Really, You Don’t Have to Text Your Ex Back!

We’ve all been there. Sober or drunk. Phone in hand. Lonely or sad or horny or whatever. We think, “But, what if?”

What if he’s different this time?
What if she really does miss me?
Could we get back together?
Are you saying there’s a chance?

So, we do it. We text the ex. Or the ex texts us.

It’s such a popular phenomenon that there are even Instagram accounts dedicated to this very unfolding.

There’s almost a rebellion against the self, against friends, against everything you know to be right. It’s naughty.

Unfortunately, it’s not naughty in the good way. It’s naughty in the ‘you need to go sit in a corner and think about what you did” type of way.

#sexyisnotasize

Honestly, I have no right to sit here and tell anyone else not to do it. I’ve done it so many times I’m surprised my phone didn’t hold its own rebellion against me and self-destruct.

Perhaps because I’m such a big fuck up in this department I’m the perfect person to suggest finding an alternative. Unless you’re the type that’s even more of a masochist than I am and you enjoy having your heart ripped out over and over again–it’s not a great move.

So, what can you do when the temptation to text your ex arises?

Here are 4 Methods to Keep You From Texting Your Ex

1.

The Block & Loaded

Do you have what it takes to utilize one of the easiest functions on your phone? Personally, I cannot do this. I probably should do this, but alas I am weak. You’ll save yourself a lot of stress if you simply block your ex’s number. Of course, you’ll also need to block your ex on all of your social media channels. Perfect for those with a backbone or for those looking to finally get one.

2.

Change The Name, Change The Name

Nothing says “Do Not Answer” better than “Do Not Answer.” Get in there and edit your ex’s name to something a bit more inspiring.

Here are some options:

POS Dirtbag
Probably Has Syphilis
If You Respond You Will Have 7 Years of Bad Luck
Just Say No
You Are a Strong Independent Individual Who Does Not Deserve This BS
You Can Do Better
She Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Love This Person From Afar
Never Gonna Get It
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
Cheatbag
Poo Poo Face

I mean, this list of possibilities goes on and on. Try it out, it’s fun!

3.

Hide and Seek

Ever heard of a digital detox? Well, now’s your chance to give it a whirl. Whenever you get the urge to interact with your ex and you know you shouldn’t perhaps it’s time to turn your phone off and put it in a drawer for an hour or two. Cool off. Read a book. Here’s a good one. Here’s another. Or you could clean your room. Or write in a journal. Or maybe just go to bed. I promise you will survive for an hour without your phone and you’ll definitely feel better the next day when you did not do the thing that you were almost tempted to do. (If you are out in public you can also hand it over to someone you trust for safekeeping.)

4.

Text Anyone But The Ex

I do this all the time. I’ll text my best friend and be like “I’m thinking about texting him. I have my PHONE in my hand. But hey, I’m texting you instead. Wyd?” Of course, my friends probably think I’m a dick when I do this because they were not my VERY FIRST THOUGHT but I also know that they know I am weak at heart. They understand. They are wonderful people. Remember who the actual wonderful people are in your life and text them. Maybe even call your mom back finally??!

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I know a lot of us are going through this struggle right now. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful and smart and funny. If someone broke your heart they don’t deserve you. Of course, if you’re the one doing the breaking, maybe leave that person alone so they can heal the wounds that you’ve caused. That’s really all you can do and should do if you really love them. (Unless of course you REALLY want them back then there’s an entirely different strategy you should employ and it does not involve texting– more on that later. Or you can read this article that gives some fun ideas but isn’t necessarily the BEST advice.)

Can Pick Up Artist Tricks Work Without Being Sleazy?

PUA

I Use This PUA Method ALL the Time and It Works!

or

This one Pick Up line Could Save Your Night!

Going out on the town this weekend? Wanting to meet new people, flirt a bit, maybe even get laid?!

I’ve read a fuck-ton of dating advice books. At once point, I was actually going to write a thesis on them, but then I went into a totally different direction (music as activism, but I digress). There are major issues with the book, The Game. Mostly it teaches men how to manipulate women with low-self esteem into sleeping with them, which I find rather tasteless. Yet, there are some redeeming things about SOME of the tips and tricks.

One thing the book does well is motivate people into putting themselves out there. You’re not going to get a girl’s number if you just stare at her from across the room. If she rejects you, so what. If she doesn’t, look at that!

People don’t typically go to a bar just to drink; they go to a bar because of the possibility that something interesting could occur.

This could mean talking to new people, seeing a fight, finding the love of your life, letting go in the company of friends and strangers, connecting, flirting, observing a segment of our culture at its drunkest etc. etc.

People at bars WANT something to happen. So fuck it, why not make it happen yourself?

The method for introduction that seems to work quite often particularly when you’re with another person is “The Argument.”

Go up to a group of people that you find interesting or cute or whatever and say,

“Hi! Real quick. Can you settle this argument between me and my friend?”

Or

“Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I’m sure you’re having a riveting conversation, but my friend and I are in a very important debate and we need help settling it! We’ll be out of your hair momentarily if you don’t mind giving us your opinion on the matter?!”

Then bring up whatever you what to argue about. I prefer to keep things light, petty if you will, like pineapple on pizza? Coke v. Pepsi? Kayne v. Jay-Z? Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston the greatest pop diva of all time? Sloths v. Mini-pigs? etc. etc.

Either they’ll be into it and you’ll have an interesting conversation, or they’ll politely answer and you’ll get the hint to go away ASAP or they’ll tell you to go away which whatever, you’ll live through it.

The Pick-Up-Artist culture suggests making sure to leave right after the debate; I think it’s a pretty good move as it gives the people you just met time to decide if they actually enjoy your company and then they will seek you out later if they indeed did.

In any event, I find this method to be a pretty good way to start a conversation and though I did learn it from The Game, it does work as a way to engage and isn’t actually harmful to other people’s self-esteem. Unless of course, you yell at it the other people for hating pineapple on their pizza, which might happen because those people are wrong.

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I May Have Just Gone On The Worst Date In My Entire Life

how to be better on a date

Was this the worst date of my life?

or

Wow, maybe try like just 1% harder and you’d get laid.

I’ve been on hundreds of dates in my life. Tinder dates. OK Cupid Dates. Dates with people I met in real life (yes, it can happen). Even a blind date once (in high school before the internet was a thing).

Perhaps this was a reflection of me to have chosen this guy; he was insecure and couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life; he did have nice arms and I have a near-fetish thing for arms so I could have been temporarily stuck in my ID when I swiped right.

I asked him what he believed in and he couldn’t answer. I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know.
I literally said, “I want to have an engaging conversation and then if it’s engaging enough I’ll fuck you.”

I’m in rebound mode so it doesn’t take much right now.

I did not fuck him. Or do anything except leave and go to a bar by myself because I’d rather spend time with me than with someone who can’t talk to other people.

Here are three quick and easy dating tips:

1. Ask questions that you actually want to know the answer to.
2. If you don’t care about the answers don’t go on a date JUST fuck them and leave.
3. Know what you want.

When you know what you want you can actually get the things that you want AND knowing what you want makes you way more confident than people who do not.

Confidence is the sexiest quality to have… that and nice arms and big ole’ brains.

Also, I woke up with this Throwback Thursday song playing on repeat in my head. It pretty much sums up what I was thinking while this date was happening.

“I’ve been waiting for a dose of your personality. If I’m in the mood and if all goes right, baby you will be, you will be, going home with me tonight.”

It just never quite got to the personality part.

In the end, I do wish him the best luck. I hope he can find a way to come out of his shell a little bit more and let people in or find a woman who likes a guy who never speaks. I’m sure they’re out there. Like, maybe a woman who really loves to talk constantly so there’s never a gap and he can just smile and nod and then they can bang and live happily ever after.

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Lelo