WTF is New Relationship Energy?

polyamory and new relationships

New Relationship Energy v. Old Relationship Energy

or

How do you navigate new relationships while maintaining your current ones?

I went on this Tinder date the other night with this guy (who was super hot btw) and somehow we got into the discussion of polyamory v. monogamy. I’m going to save part of our conversation regarding the origin of marriage for another day and instead discuss the polyamorous concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

New Relationship Energy is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; it’s that overwhelming crushing feeling, that OMG this other person is so rad feeling, it’s like fucking rainbows and birds chirping happy songs and everything being amazing because you like someone and that someone likes you back! You’re basically on a drug called Love, which can be stronger than the strongest coke. It’s intoxicating. It’s ecstatic. It’s delicious.

I made a comment about how within open relationships New Relationship Energy can help spark the flame in the relationships people already have. My date didn’t really believe me. When I got home I opened up the Ethical Slut. I got on a few poly blogs. They didn’t believe me either.

Everyone seems to be screaming loud warnings about the dangers of New Relationship Energy.

They claim it can be distracting. It can cause you to do really stupid things. It can lead you to ignore other relationships (friends, lovers, family), it can cause you to fuck up a lot at work. Some people even get addicted to NRE and cannot seem to ever have a long-lasting committed relationship because once the energy calms down they want more of it. They want to do it again. It feels SO good. (Some may claim I’m an NRE-addict but really people just can’t handle being around me long-term).

Regardless of all of these warnings of which I agree can totally happen, I also still believe my own point of view that NRE can actually help make current relationships healthier too.

For an example in mainstream media, consider the show Easy (Netflix). Season 2, Episode 2, “Open Marriage.” In it, a couple who has been in a monogamous marriage for like 20ish years decides to open it up. The thought alone causes them both to get really excited and in turn, have better sex. The guy even said, “we should have opened our marriage up a long time ago!” Now, of course, they hadn’t even experience NRE at that point, they were experiencing the IDEA of experiencing NRE and that alone was enough to excite them.

But isn’t that just it. The idea that someone new finds you interesting and attractive reminds you of what you find interesting and attractive about yourself and all the relationships you currently have going on. Sure, the NRE can be distracting because you’re trying to learn all you can about this new person in your life. But, if you remember to take a breath, step by, give time to your other relationships, those relationships can see an added boost in connection as well.

So, yeah, people in the poly community say to approach the NRE with caution. And though I agree on some level, I also think people should fully embrace this energy and use it to propel their new relationships and their current relationships to the next level.
Poly people talk about compersion… which is the concept of feeling happiness for someone else’s happiness and though it might be difficult to see someone you love falling for someone else it can also be beautiful. (It also does not have to exist in just the poly community alone, monogamous people can feel this way too). Challenging, sure. Overcoming jealousy and the fear of abandonment is not easy, particularly in a society that promotes scarcity and owning other people. But, it can be done and the benefits of embracing compersion and new relationship energy (whether yours or someone you love) outweighs the drawbacks.

As for the date? It ended with us belting out 90s pop songs and making out, so I’d say it was a success all around, even if it probably won’t lead to a new relationship of any kind, but the energy of that night was fantastic (and did I mention he was really hot?)

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Can Pick Up Artist Tricks Work Without Being Sleazy?

PUA

I Use This PUA Method ALL the Time and It Works!

or

This one Pick Up line Could Save Your Night!

Going out on the town this weekend? Wanting to meet new people, flirt a bit, maybe even get laid?!

I’ve read a fuck-ton of dating advice books. At once point, I was actually going to write a thesis on them, but then I went into a totally different direction (music as activism, but I digress). There are major issues with the book, The Game. Mostly it teaches men how to manipulate women with low-self esteem into sleeping with them, which I find rather tasteless. Yet, there are some redeeming things about SOME of the tips and tricks.

One thing the book does well is motivate people into putting themselves out there. You’re not going to get a girl’s number if you just stare at her from across the room. If she rejects you, so what. If she doesn’t, look at that!

People don’t typically go to a bar just to drink; they go to a bar because of the possibility that something interesting could occur.

This could mean talking to new people, seeing a fight, finding the love of your life, letting go in the company of friends and strangers, connecting, flirting, observing a segment of our culture at its drunkest etc. etc.

People at bars WANT something to happen. So fuck it, why not make it happen yourself?

The method for introduction that seems to work quite often particularly when you’re with another person is “The Argument.”

Go up to a group of people that you find interesting or cute or whatever and say,

“Hi! Real quick. Can you settle this argument between me and my friend?”

Or

“Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I’m sure you’re having a riveting conversation, but my friend and I are in a very important debate and we need help settling it! We’ll be out of your hair momentarily if you don’t mind giving us your opinion on the matter?!”

Then bring up whatever you what to argue about. I prefer to keep things light, petty if you will, like pineapple on pizza? Coke v. Pepsi? Kayne v. Jay-Z? Mariah Carey or Whitney Houston the greatest pop diva of all time? Sloths v. Mini-pigs? etc. etc.

Either they’ll be into it and you’ll have an interesting conversation, or they’ll politely answer and you’ll get the hint to go away ASAP or they’ll tell you to go away which whatever, you’ll live through it.

The Pick-Up-Artist culture suggests making sure to leave right after the debate; I think it’s a pretty good move as it gives the people you just met time to decide if they actually enjoy your company and then they will seek you out later if they indeed did.

In any event, I find this method to be a pretty good way to start a conversation and though I did learn it from The Game, it does work as a way to engage and isn’t actually harmful to other people’s self-esteem. Unless of course, you yell at it the other people for hating pineapple on their pizza, which might happen because those people are wrong.

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I May Have Just Gone On The Worst Date In My Entire Life

how to be better on a date

Was this the worst date of my life?

or

Wow, maybe try like just 1% harder and you’d get laid.

I’ve been on hundreds of dates in my life. Tinder dates. OK Cupid Dates. Dates with people I met in real life (yes, it can happen). Even a blind date once (in high school before the internet was a thing).

Perhaps this was a reflection of me to have chosen this guy; he was insecure and couldn’t hold a conversation to save his life; he did have nice arms and I have a near-fetish thing for arms so I could have been temporarily stuck in my ID when I swiped right.

I asked him what he believed in and he couldn’t answer. I asked him what he wanted and he didn’t know.
I literally said, “I want to have an engaging conversation and then if it’s engaging enough I’ll fuck you.”

I’m in rebound mode so it doesn’t take much right now.

I did not fuck him. Or do anything except leave and go to a bar by myself because I’d rather spend time with me than with someone who can’t talk to other people.

Here are three quick and easy dating tips:

1. Ask questions that you actually want to know the answer to.
2. If you don’t care about the answers don’t go on a date JUST fuck them and leave.
3. Know what you want.

When you know what you want you can actually get the things that you want AND knowing what you want makes you way more confident than people who do not.

Confidence is the sexiest quality to have… that and nice arms and big ole’ brains.

Also, I woke up with this Throwback Thursday song playing on repeat in my head. It pretty much sums up what I was thinking while this date was happening.

“I’ve been waiting for a dose of your personality. If I’m in the mood and if all goes right, baby you will be, you will be, going home with me tonight.”

It just never quite got to the personality part.

In the end, I do wish him the best luck. I hope he can find a way to come out of his shell a little bit more and let people in or find a woman who likes a guy who never speaks. I’m sure they’re out there. Like, maybe a woman who really loves to talk constantly so there’s never a gap and he can just smile and nod and then they can bang and live happily ever after.

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