Dreaming Yourself to Orgasm

orgasms while sleeping

Achieve Orgasm While You Sleep

Lucid Dreams and Sex Fantasies

This morning I had a dream orgasm. Or I was dreaming and then I had an orgasm that caused me to wake up and think, ‘did I just have a real life orgasm from a dream?” And the answer was, yes.

This was a real awakening for me.

Sure, I’ve had orgasms during dreams before but it’s happened so rarely I haven’t thought about it in a long time. I realized a couple of things from this situation.

  1. It’s probably the best way to wake up (having someone put bacon directly in your mouth is a close second but different story for a different day)
  2. It’s like pleasure with only your mind doing any of the work
  3. It doesn’t require anyone else to be there

I know some of you may be thinking, who did this woman dream about? And I’ll tell you that you probably don’t know the guy. Unless you are the guy, in which case I’ve already told you so if I didn’t tell you it wasn’t you.

But, it wasn’t really him, right? It was all in my head. This is revolutionary to me. You know how much drama could be saved if we only had sexual relationships with people while we were sleeping?!

I decided to look into all of this further.

I do not know why it has taken me until today to make the lucid dreaming / dream orgasm connection. It was like all of this unconscious power becoming suddenly conscious.

The esoteric world unfolds exactly how and when you need it to, I suppose.

Turns out, lucid dreaming to have sexual fantasy experiences occur is like the second most popular reason why people train themselves to lucid dream, flying being the top one (flying while fucking though?! Fly-fucking, imagine that!).

Anyhoo.  

It is possible to be aware that you are dreaming while you’re dreaming and steer the dream into certain directions — like having a wild rendezvous with Jon Snow in an eagle’s nest on top of a mountain — or whatever you’re into.

What I’ve understood from reading about it in more detail is that a lot of fucked up shit can happen. For example, you could be dream-fucking Jon Snow and he could turn into an angry griffin or your pervy uncle Stew or just vanish in mid-air right in the middle of the sex stuff.

Why? Because even if you are aware of what’s going on in the dream, you’re still in the subconscious space where random weird things are bound to turn up. It’s a delicate balance of the mind.

And this is where it gets interesting. There is a very specific reason why your dream lover turns into a dream monster.

According to The World of Lucid Dreaming:

This is the “carrot on the string” – one of the greatest self-limiting constructs in lucid dreamwork. Just when what you want is in reach, something yanks the string and you are left grasping at air. The reason this happens is because although we may crave lucid dream sex, the dream actually requires sexual connection.

So, even in our sex dream states we still have to deal with the struggle to go eat a carrot. . . (I HAD to do it because how often do I get this kind of chance?)

The article goes on to discuss how you will actually be more successful at having lucid dream orgasmic sex IF you don’t go into the lucid dream trying to just fuck someone because they’re hot. Basically, if your fantasy is shallow and objectifying your subconscious will often reject it because that’s not what most humans want deep down in their heart of hearts, mind of minds, pussy of pussies, cock of cocks.

What we want is real connection with people.

Lovehoney.com The Sexual Happiness People

It was fascinating to learn that people who practice lucid dreaming with the intent of having meaningful connections with their dream lovers find that they:

  1. Have more sleep-orgasms
  2. Become more successful at finding their dream lovers in real life

What?!

I know, right? It sounds like a bunch of pseudoscience fluff at first, yet, when you think about it makes sense in a way.

Dreams are where you go to work through the shit of your day-to-day life. So if you’re going into your dream world to work through a specific problem or desire and you succeed at doing that in your dreams you can better see how to make that work in waking reality.

Of course, I had no conscious control of this morning’s sex dream that turned waking life orgasmic, yet I so thoroughly enjoyed it that I’d like to see if I can make it happen more often. Why not? I’m just sleeping anyway.

Explore the World of Lucid Dreaming with the above book.

Can you lucid dream?

Tell me your thoughts in the comments.

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The Ex Text and Mercury Retrograde

ex texts and mercury retrograde

What To Do When the Ex Texts During Mercury Retrograde

Or Anytime Really

Scrolling Instagram the other day I saw a meme that said something along the lines of ‘mercury retrograde is the pumpkin spiced latte of astrology.’ I agree. It’s probably the most talked about of retogrades that happen and admittedly often those sentences come out of yuppie white basic bitches. The ones that like pumpkin spiced lattes.

Here’s the thing though, Mercury Retrograde does not have to be some sort of dreaded regular occurrence nor does it have to be an excuse for shitty things that happen.

Sure, you can use it as an excuse, I certainly have and I have certainly had a pumpkin spiced latte, does that mean I LIKE pumpkin spiced lattes–not particularly, but I am only two parts of the ‘yuppie white basic bitch’ so there’s that (I’ll let you figure out the two).

WTF is mercury retrograde and what does it supposedly do?

Mercury takes 88 days to do one revolution around the sun. Mercury moves into retrograde three times a year anytime between 19 and 24 days. It appears to move backward, though the planet does not actually move backward.

We’re almost through the most recent Mercury retrograde which goes from March 5th to March 28th.

Here’s some shit that often goes down during mercury retrograde:

  • Communication sucks–mistakes & misunderstandings seem to enhance
  • Technology sucks — shit breaks down more often, computers crash, stop lights stop stopping, zippers stop zipping etc.
  • People from the past RETURN

In Mercury retrograde it’s advised to not sign new contracts or begin new projects, to be patient with technology and travel.

What should you do during Mercury retrograde then?

Oh, you’re not going to like this one: inner work.

That’s right.

See the reason why the exes return so often during Mercury retrograde is that it’s a time for self-reflection. It’s a time to review the past and release the bullshit. End the old cycles so you can open up to new possibilities.

Still skeptical that it’s not a real thing? Alright. Well, in the last 10 ish days I’ve been contacted by nine people from my past. And when I say nine people — I’m talking ex-boyfriends, ex-flings, ex-lovers, ex-work-husbands, exe all around. NINE.

If that’s not enough to prove anything, I got a call from my friend-with-benefits who informed me that for the last few days he’d been talking with his ex. That he had decided he might, maybe, get back with her.

I cracked up laughing the moment I heard it.

Mostly because I had had nine people from my past already reappear and knew it was in the air, but also because it was almost the exact same storyline that happened to me during the last spring Mercury retrograde. I wasn’t going to let that story turn into a pattern so I said boy, bye, and good luck with your ex.

I’m not going to say it won’t work out with an ex, but here is what I’m going to say.

When you contact an ex or they contact you I’d suggest taking some time to do that whole review process thing. Write down what it was that attracted you, what repulsed you, why did it end? What can you do to find the good things in someone else who doesn’t possess the bad things that made the end happen?

For example, I’d like to find someone who can challenge me intellectually but not manipulate or gaslight me. What an idea!

I could keep going with this but you get the gist.

Broad City Collection

Have people from your past returned recently? How did you handle it? Are you currently texting your ex? You better hope Mercury retrograde fucks with your phone if you are because you don’t need to add that extra drama to your life. Get out a journal and write the stuff down, don’t dredge them through the muck of it with you again.

Uncuffed and Alone: An Exercise to Help You Get More (And Better) Dates

tips for better dating

A Tip for Better Dating

Love, Romance, And The Art of Being

So, you survived the holiday season as a single entity. January has been alright since everyone is all about getting healthy and transforming into a new ‘you’ blah blah. But, the season of love approaches and your dating life has seen better days.

I’m going to offer a simple exercise to add to your daily life to potentially improve your dating life, because just like one would do crunches in order to strengthen their ab muscles one must also actively exercise their social skills.

I’m not going to tell you to delete your dating apps or to learn to love yourself more, I think both of those suggestions lean on the bullshit side of things.

Sure, dating apps can be discouraging, to say the least, but they are but one resource, one tool, in the world of romance and you might as well use all that you have, right? Because you never know. You definitely won’t know if you don’t try.

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I also want to take a minute to unpack the concept of “learning to love yourself more.”

I mean, is wanting to have a meaningful relationship with another person keeping you from loving yourself? No.

Are you living your life doing the things you want to do?

Are you working on your own personal growth and development in the best way you can?

Because here’s the thing, we all do the best we can at the place that we’re at. Some days are going to better than other days. Some days you might be hard on yourself or be annoyed with yourself but that doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself enough.

What right does anyone else have to tell you how much love you have for yourself?

It’s sort of like when someone suggests that you “just be yourself,” as if that means anything, as if it was possible to somehow transform suddenly into another body with another personality.

If people were really trying to give you some good advice, the best advice would be to cut the “yourself” from the phrase and to suggest that you “just be.”

To be present in the moment that you are in and to not attach yourself so severely to your thoughts or your emotions.

Do you remember a time when you were angry or joyful or afraid? You can feel how that feeling felt but you also know that it’s a memory and you weren’t stuck in that feeling for your entire life. In that sense, when feelings arise in the present you can remember that they will not necessarily stick around either. This is an important skill to have in not just your dating life but life in general and is a much better suggestion than learning to love yourself more.

But, I digress.

Here’s a simple exercise to add to your everyday life. When you venture out into the world, try for the next couple of weeks to engage in conversation with at least 3 random people every day. I’m talking complete strangers–old ladies, kids, teachers, baristas, neighbors, friends of friends etc.

No, it doesn’t count to say, ‘how are doing’ to the guy at 711 every morning when you buy your doughnut or whatever, that’s just being a decent human being. I am suggesting a short dialogue involving at least one question that requires an answer beyond “fine.”

I know that this task may sound daunting to some people. Start with talking to one random person and go from there if three overwhelms you, but let me breakdown why this exercise has the potential to help your dating life.

Talking to strangers opens up connections. Suddenly, you and the people you interact with will feel a little less alone in the world. It’s a small act that contains much larger consequences. It’s recognizing our humanity. It’s a way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and break the invisible wall that we all often put up while in public spaces. It’s a way to be more engaged in your surroundings. It’s a way to make you an active participant in your own life, to write your own script instead of just watching your story unfold like a passive consumer.

Plus, you never know who you might meet. Once you’re at ease talking to someone else’s grandma or your best friend’s random cousin, it will not be out of character for you to talk to a random person you’re actually attracted. It will come out naturally. You will not be invested in the outcome but present in the moment of the interaction and thus will be more confident.

People are attracted to other people who are confident. We all know this, but many people don’t understand what it means or how to gain it, and I’m telling you right now. You have to hurl yourself into the unfamiliar until the unfamiliar is familiar.  

You think I’m being overdramatic, I dare you to give it a try.

Here’s a short example of something that could happen. Let’s say you enjoy reading books, so one day you go to the bookstore and you’re hanging out in your favorite genre section. While you’re there you see an older woman in her 50s also browsing. So, you say something along the lines of,

“Excuse me. Hello. I just finished a really amazing book about _____ and now I’m afraid that nothing I pick will live up to its amazingness. Do you have any recommendations on amazing life-changing books? I feel it’s always better to ask another book lover than to just randomly pick something.”  

Somehow you get into this crazy conversation about books and the best authors in the entire world.

As you’re wrapping up she says something like, “You know what, I think my niece would get a kick out of you. Are you seeing anyone?” And then, whoa, you just randomly got set up on a blind date.

OR nothing like that happens but you did just have an amazing conversation AND found a new book to read.

See where i’m going here?

Movember

Anyhoo. I am also single. So, if you’re willing to do this, I will do this as well because nothing is more bullshit than someone who tells someone else to try something that they aren’t willing to do themselves.

There will be days when you are just not in the mood. I would suggest to try it anyway because it’s the type of thing that could actually get you out of that mood.

Keep me posted on what happens, how you feel, etc. This shall be quite fun.

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Are You Settling in Your Romantic Relationship?

why do people settle for people they're not in love with

Why You Shouldn’t Settle This Cuffing Season

or

Overcoming Inner Pain to Find True Love

This past week I’ve had more than one stranger on the internet bring up this idea of settling in romantic relationships. I know that it’s peak cuffing season and many people are out scrambling trying to find someone to spend the cold winter with, but I have to ask the people doing this, why?

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It felt like perhaps the reason this topic kept coming up was that people are struggling with their own deep insecurities when it comes to romance. They say it out loud as a way to tell themselves not to do it because for whatever reason they are tempted to settle themselves.

Of course, it could be a passive-aggressive way for them to imply that the choices I am making could be better aka I could be going out with them, but that seems pretty egotistical of me to consider. Anyone actually doing that would be someone I would never want to date, one person, in particular, couldn’t let it go that I didn’t want to hang out with him or receive his (unasked for) help and that person quickly got himself blocked.

Yet, this idea of settling has continued to stir around in my brains.

Let’s talk for a minute about why people choose to settle.

From what I understand it stems from two main insecurities–fear and loneliness.

Fears that they will always be alone. Fears that they will never be understood. Fears that they aren’t good enough or worthy enough for true love.

People make all sorts of interesting relationship decisions to avoid loneliness. Yes, it can be painful to spend time by yourself, but if you’re experiencing pain while alone then it’s the most vital time to be alone. No one else can fill that void they are merely a distraction, a deflection and sooner or later all those gross feelings you were trying to avoid will rise again to the surface whether you’re living with or loving someone else.

Sex Toys for him, for her, for both of you

It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be alone. One must experience the wide world of emotions to truly grasp the beauty of it all. If you’ve never been alone then you’d have no idea what it’s like to be present with someone else. If you’ve never really seen yourself, you’ll never be able to see someone else, really see them– and only when you can see them can you truly love them.

So, this cuffing season, why not take a step back, reflect on who you are and what you really want. Sure, it might be nice to have someone to cuddlefuck while you watch Netflix together, but if you’re just using each other to stay warm wouldn’t it be easy to just buy a heated blanket?

Yes, doing that inner work is going to be much more difficult, but it will bring much more joy in the long run and yes, real true love too.

In other words, stop running from your dark side, embrace it and learn how to work with it instead of against it. This will at least help you become more emotionally intelligent and stop settling for people, jobs, addictions that don’t serve you in any sort of authentic or meaningful way.

Friday Feels: Life Without Sex

life without sex

Two Weeks Sex-Free

or

How Long Have You Gone Without Sex?

So, I was supposed to hang out with a man-friend last night but some dramatic happenings happened that prevented him from making it over. Honestly, I was tired anyway. I’ve been waking up at like 5.30 a.m. every day trying to get stuff done before people bother me. Turns out, people will bother you at any time of the day.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I realized that it’s been over two weeks since I’ve had sex with another human being.

Two whole weeks.

The two-week mark is when I start to turn. I wilt. I shrivel up. I am not talking about my pussy here. I’m talking about my entire being.

One of two things tends to happen when I don’t have sex with another human being for an extended amount of time.

I become EVEN more irritable that I typically am. I know this is super hard to believe considering how irritable I can be, but trust me. I am a monster. If I’m not getting eaten that you can bet that I will eat your head off instead.

I get stupid horny. I will not even go into the weird things I have done to myself when I go to long without having sex. Some interesting objects have been used. Some interesting and some might suggest, gross, people have also been used.

Sometimes when I’m that super horny and I want to hump everything… I mean everything. I imagine that this is what it must be like for men ALL of the time. And though a lot of times a lot of ya’lls behavior is intolerable and fucked up, I can admit to UNDERSTANDING where you’re going from. It’s like your brain is completely blocked from all thought except getting off. The worst part is when that feeling can’t be satiated.

It’s like, hang me upside down on a clothesline and throw wet noodles on my back so I’ll at least think about something else for a moment. Or maybe I’d be into that in a weird kink way.

Anyhoo. What I’m most disturbed about is the fact that neither 1 or 2 has started to happen. I wonder if it’s because I’m waking up so early in the morning that my body is physically exhausted and my brain completely fried by the time I’d have time to even think about masturbating or sex with someone else. I was actually glad that my friend didn’t make it over because I could not get my sex-brain to turn on.

So, how long has it been for you? A day? 10 years?

How do you “overcome”? Do you even think about it anymore? Or are you thinking about it all the time?

Friday Feels: How to Stop Texting Your Ex

ways to keep from texting your ex

Put Your Phone Down, Hands Up, Step Away From The Device

or

No, Really, You Don’t Have to Text Your Ex Back!

We’ve all been there. Sober or drunk. Phone in hand. Lonely or sad or horny or whatever. We think, “But, what if?”

What if he’s different this time?
What if she really does miss me?
Could we get back together?
Are you saying there’s a chance?

So, we do it. We text the ex. Or the ex texts us.

It’s such a popular phenomenon that there are even Instagram accounts dedicated to this very unfolding.

There’s almost a rebellion against the self, against friends, against everything you know to be right. It’s naughty.

Unfortunately, it’s not naughty in the good way. It’s naughty in the ‘you need to go sit in a corner and think about what you did” type of way.

#sexyisnotasize

Honestly, I have no right to sit here and tell anyone else not to do it. I’ve done it so many times I’m surprised my phone didn’t hold its own rebellion against me and self-destruct.

Perhaps because I’m such a big fuck up in this department I’m the perfect person to suggest finding an alternative. Unless you’re the type that’s even more of a masochist than I am and you enjoy having your heart ripped out over and over again–it’s not a great move.

So, what can you do when the temptation to text your ex arises?

Here are 4 Methods to Keep You From Texting Your Ex

1.

The Block & Loaded

Do you have what it takes to utilize one of the easiest functions on your phone? Personally, I cannot do this. I probably should do this, but alas I am weak. You’ll save yourself a lot of stress if you simply block your ex’s number. Of course, you’ll also need to block your ex on all of your social media channels. Perfect for those with a backbone or for those looking to finally get one.

2.

Change The Name, Change The Name

Nothing says “Do Not Answer” better than “Do Not Answer.” Get in there and edit your ex’s name to something a bit more inspiring.

Here are some options:

POS Dirtbag
Probably Has Syphilis
If You Respond You Will Have 7 Years of Bad Luck
Just Say No
You Are a Strong Independent Individual Who Does Not Deserve This BS
You Can Do Better
She Doesn’t Love You Anymore
Love This Person From Afar
Never Gonna Get It
Liar Liar Pants on Fire
Cheatbag
Poo Poo Face

I mean, this list of possibilities goes on and on. Try it out, it’s fun!

3.

Hide and Seek

Ever heard of a digital detox? Well, now’s your chance to give it a whirl. Whenever you get the urge to interact with your ex and you know you shouldn’t perhaps it’s time to turn your phone off and put it in a drawer for an hour or two. Cool off. Read a book. Here’s a good one. Here’s another. Or you could clean your room. Or write in a journal. Or maybe just go to bed. I promise you will survive for an hour without your phone and you’ll definitely feel better the next day when you did not do the thing that you were almost tempted to do. (If you are out in public you can also hand it over to someone you trust for safekeeping.)

4.

Text Anyone But The Ex

I do this all the time. I’ll text my best friend and be like “I’m thinking about texting him. I have my PHONE in my hand. But hey, I’m texting you instead. Wyd?” Of course, my friends probably think I’m a dick when I do this because they were not my VERY FIRST THOUGHT but I also know that they know I am weak at heart. They understand. They are wonderful people. Remember who the actual wonderful people are in your life and text them. Maybe even call your mom back finally??!

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I know a lot of us are going through this struggle right now. You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful and smart and funny. If someone broke your heart they don’t deserve you. Of course, if you’re the one doing the breaking, maybe leave that person alone so they can heal the wounds that you’ve caused. That’s really all you can do and should do if you really love them. (Unless of course you REALLY want them back then there’s an entirely different strategy you should employ and it does not involve texting– more on that later. Or you can read this article that gives some fun ideas but isn’t necessarily the BEST advice.)

Tits Out Tuesday: When a Woman Tells Another Woman She’s Just Friends with a Guy

what does just friends really mean

Can Guys and Girls Just Be Friends?

or

Decoding Girl-to-Girl Talk

Over the weekend I hung out with this guy who’s pretty cute. One I had met on Tinder many months ago and then finally decided to give a second chance. No, he was not the guy who recently ripped my heart out, but a guy who I had gone on a few dates with, who claimed to be into me and then ghosted me for two weeks only to tell me out the blue that he had decided to get back with his ex.

As you can imagine, it didn’t work out with him and his ex.

Let me know if it has EVER worked out when you’ve gotten back with your ex and I will retract my statement that it never does.

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Anyhoo, I figured I’d give him a second chance since I gave the rip-out-my-heart guy one and he did much worse things like hitting on my friends while I was in the other room or right beside him in his truck etc. etc.

New/old guy and I were at a show at Cervantes (the first time I had ever been to Cervantes and I must say it’s a pretty nice venue). New/old guy happens to know just about everyone in this city, I suppose being a native helps and also he’s like way more extroverted than I will ever be.

We’re standing in the middle of the crowd near the stage when this woman walks up and says hello.

She pulls me aside and says, “I don’t know how long you’ve known X but I just wanted to tell you we’re just friends.”

I raise an eyebrow, laugh, “Okay.”

She scurries away.

I look at new/old guy like wtf?

We both shrug.

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I tell him about it later because here’s the deal. No woman ever says that they’re “just friends,” with a guy unless they:

  1. Fucked them once and it didn’t work out how they wanted it to.
  2. They want to fuck them and they just haven’t done it yet.

It’s a weird thing to tell another woman. If you’re friends with someone you typically do not need to clarify that because by walking up to said person and saying “hello,” you’re acknowledging that you at least know each other and thus are probably friends or why else bother going up to the person (particularly in a crowded venue during the middle of a concert).

Perhaps it was her intention that I mention it to him? Perhaps she wanted me to put it in his brain that they COULD BE MORE?

Okay, grrrl.

If you want to be more than ‘just friends’ make a move that’s a little less passive-aggressive? If you want to plant the seed in a guy’s brain/penis I’d suggest talking directly to them. Maybe MAYBE try flirting in real life.

I don’t know, I could be wrong here, but grrrl I’m telling you if you want to move away from ‘just friends’ to something more (particularly now that you notice he’s with another woman) I’d say go for it before it’s too late. You never know when he’ll decide to get back with his ex again.

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday: Smelly Vaginas

smelly vaginas yeast infections bacterial infections

The Case of Feminine Odor Gone South

or

What To Do When Your Nose Says Not to Do It

The other day a friend sent me a question about a touchy (or shall we shall off-putting situation). Here’s what he had to ask:

“What is the least cringe-worthy way to tell a woman that one time her vagina smelled particularly bad and you haven’t been able to look at it / her the same since, and that’s why you haven’t been initiating as much lately?”

My very first reaction was to stick my fingers down my pants, give my vagina a good rub, then smell my fingers. My vagina smelled like vagina; thank the vagina goddesses! Anyway, the thing is, vaginas / vulvas are super sensitive. It doesn’t take much to throw off the pH balance. When the pH balance of the vagina is off anything could be happening. This person could have a yeast infection, a bacterial infection, an STI, or it could just be having an off day and is attempting to adjust back to normal.

So, how do you approach someone you’re sleeping with to let them know that their nether regions are not up to par?

Is there a way to do this without sounding like a dickhead?

Perhaps it’s best to consider how you would want someone to tell you and go from there?

Kindness
Compassion
Understanding

“Hey, we’ve fooled around a few times and I’ve really enjoyed myself. I understand what I’m about to say is a bit awkward and might make us both feel a little uncomfortable but the last time we had sex I noticed that your odor was a bit off and I just wanted to make sure everything was okay down there?”

Here’s the thing if you are a person and you have a smellier than usual vagina.

Do NOT douche.

Go to the doctor and have it checked out. Douching will just throw the pH balance off even more. It’s really not that big of a deal; it’s all part of being human. Being able to openly communicate with the people you’re fucking is kind of important. If you’re not communicating with your words and you’re only communicating with your genitals you’re probably not going to get very far with regards to any sort of relationship– serious or just for fun.

So open your mouths and get to talking. You nose what I’m saying?

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Do You Feel Worthy Enough To Handle The Rejections From Dating?

worthy of rejection

Tits Out & Truth Bombs Tuesday

Or

Some People Can’t Handle Your Worthiness

I couldn’t sleep last night. I felt sad and disappointed about my current state in love, dating, life.

I know it’s difficult for some of you to believe, but I’ve been rejected quite a bit lately.

(The most recent by a guy who claimed he really liked me, was totally into me; told me to text him then didn’t respond for nine days. Only to tell me when he did finally respond that he had hooked back up with his ex and has now decided to get back together with her. But… he still “wants to be friends.” #coolcarrot)

Dating can be a struggle for everyone, even people who are expert daters. One reason why I’m an expert dater is because of all the rejection, both to and from me.

It’s hard out there. And I’m not talking just about boners.

In the book I’ve been reading (More Than Two), the authors write:

“Even the healthiest person, when persistently rejected, will hurt.”

And it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel sad or angry or disappointed when something doesn’t work out with someone, particularly when so many possibilities had felt so possible. Yet, I know that I am worthy of great, loving, thoughtful, intimate relationships. I know what I am capable of giving back to other people. I know how much love is already in my life, which helps me from spiraling all the way down into a bottomless pit of despair.

I also know that I have to feel the sadness. Because if I don’t feel it, it will bottle up and turn into something really ugly that no one, including myself, wants to see.

Here are some questions that I have been asking myself, perhaps they will also help you if you’ve recently been rejected.

  • What do I bring to others’ lives? (In friendships, family, and romance)
  • What love is already in my life?
  • What have I learned from these recent dating experiences?
  • How can I apply these learnings to create better relationships in the future?
  • What do I really want and what can I truly give?

I am so grateful to all of you who have been reading/watching/enjoying/following this blog. To tell you the WHOLE truth, starting this blog kept me from killing myself. I understand that that sounds dramatic, but I was in a pretty dark place a couple of months ago; my creativity was stifled, I didn’t know what I wanted, I was drinking and doing too many drugs.

Now at least my creativity isn’t stifled and I know what I want 🙂

Rejection is one of the costs of dating. It can be painful, but perhaps we can all look rejection more as a type of growing pain than something specifically directed at you as a person. Everyone is out there looking for different things and we can’t also be the one to give those things to another.

As they say:

“The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.”

I’m not expert at any of this, but I have had many and plenty of experiences. I’m going to continue onward, knowing the difference between needing and wanting someone… knowing what I can give and knowing what I’m willing to take. Knowing that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in a relationship with you, but they are still beautiful wonderful people who deserve love and fulfillment.

Rejection is alright.

Because in the end, even when we lose, we win.

happy sad crying
Look! I cried a tear. Not because of rejection but because I thought of all the love I already have in my life and it made me so happy I cried.

Pre-coffee / Pre-process of emotions / early morning wake-up video / honestly have no idea what I even say on this but didn’t want you all to think I’m hiding shit from you. . .

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WTF is New Relationship Energy?

polyamory and new relationships

New Relationship Energy v. Old Relationship Energy

or

How do you navigate new relationships while maintaining your current ones?

I went on this Tinder date the other night with this guy (who was super hot btw) and somehow we got into the discussion of polyamory v. monogamy. I’m going to save part of our conversation regarding the origin of marriage for another day and instead discuss the polyamorous concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

New Relationship Energy is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; it’s that overwhelming crushing feeling, that OMG this other person is so rad feeling, it’s like fucking rainbows and birds chirping happy songs and everything being amazing because you like someone and that someone likes you back! You’re basically on a drug called Love, which can be stronger than the strongest coke. It’s intoxicating. It’s ecstatic. It’s delicious.

I made a comment about how within open relationships New Relationship Energy can help spark the flame in the relationships people already have. My date didn’t really believe me. When I got home I opened up the Ethical Slut. I got on a few poly blogs. They didn’t believe me either.

Everyone seems to be screaming loud warnings about the dangers of New Relationship Energy.

They claim it can be distracting. It can cause you to do really stupid things. It can lead you to ignore other relationships (friends, lovers, family), it can cause you to fuck up a lot at work. Some people even get addicted to NRE and cannot seem to ever have a long-lasting committed relationship because once the energy calms down they want more of it. They want to do it again. It feels SO good. (Some may claim I’m an NRE-addict but really people just can’t handle being around me long-term).

Regardless of all of these warnings of which I agree can totally happen, I also still believe my own point of view that NRE can actually help make current relationships healthier too.

For an example in mainstream media, consider the show Easy (Netflix). Season 2, Episode 2, “Open Marriage.” In it, a couple who has been in a monogamous marriage for like 20ish years decides to open it up. The thought alone causes them both to get really excited and in turn, have better sex. The guy even said, “we should have opened our marriage up a long time ago!” Now, of course, they hadn’t even experience NRE at that point, they were experiencing the IDEA of experiencing NRE and that alone was enough to excite them.

But isn’t that just it. The idea that someone new finds you interesting and attractive reminds you of what you find interesting and attractive about yourself and all the relationships you currently have going on. Sure, the NRE can be distracting because you’re trying to learn all you can about this new person in your life. But, if you remember to take a breath, step by, give time to your other relationships, those relationships can see an added boost in connection as well.

So, yeah, people in the poly community say to approach the NRE with caution. And though I agree on some level, I also think people should fully embrace this energy and use it to propel their new relationships and their current relationships to the next level.
Poly people talk about compersion… which is the concept of feeling happiness for someone else’s happiness and though it might be difficult to see someone you love falling for someone else it can also be beautiful. (It also does not have to exist in just the poly community alone, monogamous people can feel this way too). Challenging, sure. Overcoming jealousy and the fear of abandonment is not easy, particularly in a society that promotes scarcity and owning other people. But, it can be done and the benefits of embracing compersion and new relationship energy (whether yours or someone you love) outweighs the drawbacks.

As for the date? It ended with us belting out 90s pop songs and making out, so I’d say it was a success all around, even if it probably won’t lead to a new relationship of any kind, but the energy of that night was fantastic (and did I mention he was really hot?)

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Show support by purchasing something for me from my Amazon Wish List (I’ll review whatever gets sent my way!)

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Tantus

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Lelo