Ducking. More Profane Than Fucking?

ducking fine

Duck Sex Is Fucked Up Sex

or

Why You Should Never Tell Anyone to Duck Off!

This morning I went for a run through City Park. It was a gorgeous morning, all the flowers were in bloom, the pollen count was very high, the birds were squawking extra loud, this dude was playing some strange instrument I had never seen before that looks sort of like a saxophone had sex with an industrialized accordion.

It was a great morning.

Then I sat down on my favorite bench at Duck Lake to watch the excitement that always takes place on goth bird island. That’s the little patch of land in the middle of the puddle they call a lake where all these blackbirds sit in these gnarly twisted trees and scream and fly and party all day. Duck Lake may be my favorite place in all of Denver. I am not recommending that you go there. Duck Lake is MY place and I enjoy my peace and loud off-key bird songs.

Anyway. Why I was there I started thinking about ducks. Then I started thinking about how most of our phones are always trying to change “Fuck” into “Duck” and how that’s ducking annoying.

After that, I started thinking about duck sex and how fucked up duck sex is and how when our phones change the word “fuck” to “duck our technology is actually doing something WAY more disturbing.

Check this out.

Male ducks have sex with a corkscrew penis. Not only that, but they are known to be one of the most rapey animals on this planet. They’re so rapey that female ducks have overtime created defense mechanisms like fake vaginas or trap doors or dead ends so that when they get raped they can be sure to NOT fertilize the eggs with the rape-ducks sperm. This leads to a 3% possibility that these rapey male ducks will reproduce with the female duck they just raped.

These females are pretty fucking badass. BUT, here’s some other fucked up things about male ducks. Some species of male ducks have barbs on their penises to “scrum away competing sperm.” Barbs? On the penis? Fuck that! No thanks. Pass. If I were a duck I’d be a lesbian duck for real.

Finally. One more fucked up thing about male ducks. According to the Buzzfeed article I just read on the matter:

“The more forced copulation a duck engages in, the longer the males’ penises tend to be, according to a 2010 study in Proceedings of the Royal Society B.
In fact, male ducks grow a new penis every year (yes, you read that right). Which means they can vary the length depending on that year’s competition.”

I am sitting over here feeling devastated. I thought it was bad the first time I heard about it, then as I researched it further it just got worse, it got way grosser.

So when someone tells you to “duck off” be extra careful; what they could mean is that they want you to get corkscrew-penis raped by a bird.

Your only reply will have to be, “enjoy my trap-door-pussy, duckdick!”

I don’t know.

This is the thing I have been thinking about all day.

Please do not go duck yourself.

But fuck yourself all day if that’s what you’re into.

Kings and Queens and Lovers of Oral Sex, Unite!

eat more carrots and peaches and tacos

Why Kings Should Eat Pussy

or

Another Reason to Stay Away from Marriage in the Patriarchy

I’ve been thinking about this DJ Khaled situation. The one where he says he won’t perform oral sex on his wife because he’s a King and since he’s the King she still has to blow him.

Seems like most of us have the same opinion about this being bullshit.

It wouldn’t be bullshit if he just didn’t like performing oral sex, but the reason he doesn’t do it is because he thinks that she doesn’t deserve sexual pleasure. At least that is the interpretation. Because he provides for her financially that is seemingly good enough for him. Because he provides financially she is “required” to suck his dick. Hmm?! Interesting.

And people can’t seem to follow the concept that marriage and prostitution share similar traits. Oh sure, one is sanctioned Under God and the other I guess technically Under the Devil but getting paid to be with someone is all basically the same thing, whether you’re getting paid to be with someone for a night or you’re getting paid to be with someone for a life.

Neither is wrong necessarily, but it is what it.

I was in a discussion with Tinder date the other night. He claims that marriage is rooted in spirituality. I claim that marriage is rooted in social and financial status. That is, two people married to unite families in order to make more money and boost power. Perhaps we’re both right in our own ways. Maybe we’re both wrong. Yet, married is NOT rooted in love, of course some people get married because of love but that’s not the only reason for marriage in the history of marriage. The king/queen thing is quite interesting, considering we don’t live in that time period anymore.

If you’re using those words symbolically to mean that you are above other people then you’d know that being above other people actually means that you give pleasure and thoughtfulness and kindness to others– particularly to your lovers (and that you don’t actually think you’re above anyone, but that’s a different story).

  1. I don’t know if I could ever get married.
  2. I don’t know if I could ever get married to someone who hated to eat pussy.
  3. I could be with someone who hated to eat pussy but was cool with other people eating my pussy.
  4. If I did ever get married though I’m pretty sure that person would have to love eating pussy as much as I love oral sex.
  5. Maybe I haven’t gotten married or even had a partner in such a long time because no one seems to be capable of rising to my level of sluttiness.
  6. I know you’re out there though. Kings and Queens of Slutsville hit me up, not necessarily to get married but we could pretend to be royalty together for a night.

When People You Care About Almost Die

death and yolo

Please Do Not Die Yet My Friend(s)

or

YOLO, Death, and Shit.

Today I woke up to a text from my mother telling me that this guy who I have basically known since he was born (a few months after me) had had a heart attack. A 33-year-old man had his heart attack him. Are we already at that age where everyone around us is about to die? WTF?

Sometimes when I’m super depressed I think about death too much. Once I asked a guy at the bar how his 2017 went (as it was right after the new year) and he said, “good enough, I’m not dead.”

And I replied with, “But, how do you know that’s not better?”

He quickly and politely left that conversation.

But really. It’s a pretty deep and dark question. How do we know? We do not know. Even when we’re on mushrooms and we THINK we know, we think we get it, we still have no idea.

Isn’t that what makes living so beautiful and fun? Not really having any idea why we’re here or where we’re going next?

What a ride, huh?

I sent my friend a message asking him not to die today. He explained to me that he didn’t just have a heart attack, he had a MASSIVE heart attack.

To which I replied, “you always gotta go big huh?”

Like, what a jerk?!

People who die are dead and they no longer have to care about anything, but then there are the rest of us still here who have to deal with the death of that person.

I think a lot of people get super upset about other people dying mostly because it reminds them that they too will be dead soon.

And also of course, that the dead person will no longer be capable of contributing in anyway to the alive people’s lives–which is often sad if that dead person was entertaining or thoughtful or interesting in some way, shape, or form.

In any event, I am glad my friend is not dead. I am glad I am not dead (even though I feel dead inside quite often). I am glad there are so many alive people and that most of the people who are alive are pretty alright (some of you though need to work out a few things still).

Mostly glad that puppies and ice cream exist on this planet with me, but that’s a topic for another day.

WTF is New Relationship Energy?

polyamory and new relationships

New Relationship Energy v. Old Relationship Energy

or

How do you navigate new relationships while maintaining your current ones?

I went on this Tinder date the other night with this guy (who was super hot btw) and somehow we got into the discussion of polyamory v. monogamy. I’m going to save part of our conversation regarding the origin of marriage for another day and instead discuss the polyamorous concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

New Relationship Energy is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; it’s that overwhelming crushing feeling, that OMG this other person is so rad feeling, it’s like fucking rainbows and birds chirping happy songs and everything being amazing because you like someone and that someone likes you back! You’re basically on a drug called Love, which can be stronger than the strongest coke. It’s intoxicating. It’s ecstatic. It’s delicious.

I made a comment about how within open relationships New Relationship Energy can help spark the flame in the relationships people already have. My date didn’t really believe me. When I got home I opened up the Ethical Slut. I got on a few poly blogs. They didn’t believe me either.

Everyone seems to be screaming loud warnings about the dangers of New Relationship Energy.

They claim it can be distracting. It can cause you to do really stupid things. It can lead you to ignore other relationships (friends, lovers, family), it can cause you to fuck up a lot at work. Some people even get addicted to NRE and cannot seem to ever have a long-lasting committed relationship because once the energy calms down they want more of it. They want to do it again. It feels SO good. (Some may claim I’m an NRE-addict but really people just can’t handle being around me long-term).

Regardless of all of these warnings of which I agree can totally happen, I also still believe my own point of view that NRE can actually help make current relationships healthier too.

For an example in mainstream media, consider the show Easy (Netflix). Season 2, Episode 2, “Open Marriage.” In it, a couple who has been in a monogamous marriage for like 20ish years decides to open it up. The thought alone causes them both to get really excited and in turn, have better sex. The guy even said, “we should have opened our marriage up a long time ago!” Now, of course, they hadn’t even experience NRE at that point, they were experiencing the IDEA of experiencing NRE and that alone was enough to excite them.

But isn’t that just it. The idea that someone new finds you interesting and attractive reminds you of what you find interesting and attractive about yourself and all the relationships you currently have going on. Sure, the NRE can be distracting because you’re trying to learn all you can about this new person in your life. But, if you remember to take a breath, step by, give time to your other relationships, those relationships can see an added boost in connection as well.

So, yeah, people in the poly community say to approach the NRE with caution. And though I agree on some level, I also think people should fully embrace this energy and use it to propel their new relationships and their current relationships to the next level.
Poly people talk about compersion… which is the concept of feeling happiness for someone else’s happiness and though it might be difficult to see someone you love falling for someone else it can also be beautiful. (It also does not have to exist in just the poly community alone, monogamous people can feel this way too). Challenging, sure. Overcoming jealousy and the fear of abandonment is not easy, particularly in a society that promotes scarcity and owning other people. But, it can be done and the benefits of embracing compersion and new relationship energy (whether yours or someone you love) outweighs the drawbacks.

As for the date? It ended with us belting out 90s pop songs and making out, so I’d say it was a success all around, even if it probably won’t lead to a new relationship of any kind, but the energy of that night was fantastic (and did I mention he was really hot?)

How Do You Have Sex Without a Penis?

how to have sex without a penis

Penis Not Penetrating Properly?

or

38 Ways to Have Sex Without a Penis

Wait?! You can have sex without a penis? How is it possible? What is sex if not penis-penetrating-the vagina-intercourse? That’s the only way right?

Wrong.

Wrong.

Very very wrong.

Do you not have a penis? Do you have a very small penis? Do you have a penis that for some reason doesn’t work? Do you have an average to large penis but are sexually curious and want to find out other things you could do that do not just involve your penis?

Well, you’re in luck!

Here is a long list of options (feel free to add anything I have forgotten in the comment!):

38 Different Ways to Have Sexual Relations

  1. Cunnilingus (aka eat that pussy)
  2. Analingus (aka eat that asshole)
  3. Put one finger in the pussy
  4. Put two fingers in the pussy
  5. Put three fingers in the pussy
  6. Put four fingers in the pussy
  7. Put five fingers in the pussy
  8. Put your whole fucking fist in the pussy
    (feel like I’m writing a song here)
  9. Put one finger in the butthole
  10. Put two fingers in the butthole
  11. Put three fingers in the butthole
  12. Put four fingers in the butthole
  13. Put five fingers in the butthole
  14. Put your whole fucking fist in the butthole
  15. Do some sort of finger/fist pussy/butthole combo (I’m not going to write out every combination here, you have your own imagination).
  16. Lick the nipples
  17. Pinch the nipples
  18. Nibble the nipples
  19. Makeout with each others faces
  20. Lick any part of the body you’re into, ear, elbow, knees, toes, whatever
  21. Give a massage
  22. Beat each other up with floggers, or whips, or chains, or crops
  23. Rub your bodies against each other
  24. Rub your genitals against each other
  25. Rub your nipples against each other
  26. Stick your tongue up their nose (this happened to me once, it was weird)
  27. Use a dildo
  28. Use a vibrator
  29. Use an anal plug
  30. Use anal beads
  31. Use a Hitachi
  32. Use an ice cube
  33. Use a double-ended dildo (there are holes in every person)
  34. Turn a carrot into a dildo (or whatever food you’re into)
  35. Stick your nipples in a two chocolate mousse pies (IDK now I’m just being ridiculous)
  36. Incorporate food in other sexy ways (aka eating sandwiches in bed while watching your favorite netflix shows)
  37. Gaze into each other’s eyes
  38. Slowly rub your hands up and down your partner’s back until they get chills and ejaculate all over themselves

Do I really have to keep going here? You get the picture, yeah? Penis penetration is not the only way to have sex, in fact, it might not even always be the BEST way to have sex. The BEST way to have sex is to communicate with your partner (or partners) about what you want, what you enjoy, what gets you off. Then do what you both consent to and what you both enjoy. Ta-da!

No penis required.

Small penises allowed.

Average to large penises, you can do these things too.

You are all fucking welcome.

P.S.
Go eat a carrot. Or a peach. Or a butthole. Whatevs.

IUDs and Period Sex, You In?

should you have period sex

Should You Get an IUD?

Should You Have Period Sex?

I’ve never wanted children. I’ve been around children. They suck. You can argue with me all you want, but I was a child once myself and I know that they suck. I sucked then. I suck now. Go eat a carrot.

I will confess I did consider having children once. Of course, I had eaten a bunch of mushrooms and the universe was trying to tell me all sorts of things about how I should live my life. For example, the mushrooms also told me to become a tree, so we know that I can’t take those ideas too seriously. (Wouldn’t actually mind being a tree though.)

In July of 2014, I got an IUD placed inside my uterus (as that is where they go since they are also known as the intrauterine device). The one I have is called the ParaGard; it’s the one made out of copper and contains no hormones.

According to the Planned Parenthood website:

The ParaGard IUD uses copper to prevent pregnancy. Sperm doesn’t like copper, so the ParaGard IUD makes it almost impossible for sperm to get to that egg.

But we all know what copper really does to sperm– it chops the little sperms heads off (insert cackle here).

The other thing the IUD does (at least to my body) is it makes me spot like ALL the time.

This is really annoying. Mostly to my underwear. It’s also annoying for my sex life.

I like to whisper sweet nothings into my sex partner’s ear to get us warmed up; sentences like, “there will be blood, part 2,” and “let’s put down an old towel,” and “I hope you have some hydrogen peroxide you can put on your sheets after I leave.” Sexy stuff like that.

Because if the woman is on her period or spotting or whatever and she wants to have sex and you want to have sex and you both want to have sex with each other then you should just go ahead and HAVE SEX!!!

There will always be weird fluids going every which way during sex. Straight and bi and pan women and gay and bi and pan men (and straight men masturbating) have to deal with dude-jizz all the fucking time. Some people even eat dude-jizz and the protein content is NOT as high as guys like to claim.

According to Jezebel:

…you’d actually have to drink nearly 4 oz (a half cup) of semen to match the protein of one egg white.

A half a cup of jizz? I’ll pass.

But you know what people shouldn’t pass on?

Drinking period blood.

Just kidding. Everyone calm the fuck down.

But seriously. What’s one more fluid to a bed full of fluids? Just have the sexy period sex; put a towel down, take a shower, move on with your life a little bit happier and healthier.

Agree? Disagree? Tell me more. . .

Exploring Polyamory, Monogamy, and Open Relationships Part 1

monogamy is dead

More Than One Relationship?

or

Can’t Even Get One Relationship.

As many of you know from following my writing in the past, I’ve extensively discussed theories of monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships in general.

Many of you ask what I prefer.

Here I talk about it if you don’t want to read (I lost my new video so these are from a different night when I was slightly intoxicated):

Here I write about it if you do want to read:

To be completely real with you all, I’m not typically in something long enough to ever find out.

Sure, this says something about me. It says that I’m picky and the people that I like are seemingly pickier than I am. I can easily rub people the wrong way, right after I rub them the right way, if you get what I’m saying.

Relationship-wise I would be good with a boyfriend and a girlfriend and the occasional one night stand.

Or a boyfriend OR a girlfriend and the occasional one night stand.

Currently, I am participating in none of the above. I go on dates. I don’t think I’ve had a one night stand in months though; they’ve at least lasted two to three nights, hahaha.

Sometimes my roommate and I get drunk together and make-out. She has a boyfriend and her boyfriend has a boyfriend, so in that realm, I suppose you could say I’m polyamorous. Though not really.

Though maybe.

It’s easier to say I’m open to the possibilities.

Open to the possibilities of everything in life–sex, politics, opinions, sandwiches. I’m open to learning, growing, figuring my shit out, not trying to define myself one way or the other. Yet, I’m still fascinated by it all.

It is my current opinion that monogamy is not for everyone and should not even be the default relationship structure of our society. It’s rooted in scarcity, guilt, jealousy and capitalism, which are just not the greatest features to carry out intimacies with another person.

Yet, time is a real thing and relationships are hard work. When you add multiple relationships to the mix it gets harder and harder. So much communication. So much scheduling. So much talk talk talking about feelings and shit.

Mostly I like the idea that people can decide for themselves what’s best for them. I’m still trying to uncover that for myself. I know, I know, I’ve been trying to uncover it for at least 10 years, but at least I’m actively attempting to understand.

My sex drive is higher than average and I read too many books and intimidate pretty much every guy I meet soooooo here I am, keepin on. Considering taking a break from men and sticking with women for awhile, even though I do like my carrots there are plenty of other tasty things to eat in the world.

Perhaps I’m just tired. I haven’t even had any coffee yet today. . .