These Penis Platters Are the Opposite of Hard (to make)!
Hosting a small gathering? Need something quick and easy to take to a party (next year, fingers crossed)? Want to please your friends with snacks that are healthy and delicious while making them laugh at the same time? Well, you’re in luck– because the Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter will do all of that!
The beauty in this recipe is its versatility. You could easily use any combination of:
1) phallic food
3) white creamy substance
Ready to put together the Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter?
Here’s What You Need:
Choose 3 to 4 of your favorites:
Any other phallic shaped foods you love to eat
Choose 3 to 4 of your favorites:
Any other nut you enjoy putting in your mouth
Choose 3 to 4 of your favorites:
Blue cheese dressing
Any soft white cheese
White queso dip
any other type of white dipping sauce of your choosing.
What You Do:
Assemble the platter into one large phallic shape or several small penis-like shapes on a serving tray or cutting board of your choice. I put the nuts into two ball-shaped circles on one side of the phallic-shape and then I artfully splooged cream dips directly onto the cutting board on the other side of the phallic shaped food. This is your time to get creative and play with the penis platter however you so desire. Make it artful-play with minimalism or abstract expressionism. Make it super pervy–make each phallic food ridiculously big. Anything you want to do here!
Want more Phallic Food Recipes? Check out my Sweet & Spicy Wrapped Lil Weenies –another super simple appetizer that’s great for parties (they’re like finger foods but dicks instead).
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The best thing about lil weenies is that you can put a whole bunch of them in your mouth at one time. These lil weenies are packed with protein with just a hint of sweet and spicy. My uncle often makes these for Christmas but he uses candied jalapeños, which are delicious. I decided to try them with carrots since this is Go Eat A Carrot after all. They turned out pretty good. Feel free to use either or neither in your recipe. They also have cheese stuffed lil smokies on the market now and those would be a fun, juicy, cream-squirt option to try if you’re into that.
Remember to keep your lil weenies wrapped this holiday season so you don’t have any baby weenies appear nine months from now. I’d suggest condoms for that, not bacon.
Enjoy these mouthgasms! And Happy Holidays!
Wrapped Lil Weenies Recipe
What You Need:
Package of Bacon
Package of Little Smokies
Baby carrots (cut in half)
Foil + Baking Sheet
What You Do:
Pre-heat oven to 325 degrees
line baking sheet with foil and spray with cooking spray
cut your bacon into thirds
Take one of your carrot halves and one of your little wieners and wrap up in one piece of cut bacon. Place seam down on baking sheet. Repeat until baking sheet is full of lil wieners. Dab each wiener with a little bit of honey. Then sprinkle with cayenne pepper.
Bake for 40 minutes until bacon is crispy.
Put on your favorite serving plate. Shove in mouth.
Get more from Go Eat a Carrot including Phallic Food Fun facts, cockless-cocktail mocktail recipes, Just the Tip advice, and one-on-one video consulting on my Patreon.
When someone tells you to go eat a carrot now you will have the perfect recipe for just that. These sweet jizz glazed carrots are super simple to make and make a sexy side to any dinner plate. We had them with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes, let me tell you that was TOO much food.
I’m typically not a fan of cooked carrots just straight up by themselves, particularly when they’re sweetened but these didn’t get mushy or weird on me so I can legit recommend them to you all, my carrot loving friends.
Sweet jizz glazed carrots
One 2 lb bag of carrots, peeled, and cut into quarters
1/4 cup of butter
1/4 cup of honey
1/2 teaspoon Garlic powder
Garlic salt + pepper to taste
One teaspoon ground rosemary OR one tablespoon fresh rosemary de-stemmed, cut or ground in mortal + pestle
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)
What You Do:
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F
Get out baking dish (I put foil and cooking spray on mine but you may or may not NEED to that) throw your carrots on the baking dish.
Melt butter + honey + seasonings in pot.
Pour jizz glaze mixture over carrots and then toss those sexy carrots to coat (Alternative. Toss carrots in bowl and then transfer to baking dish to make sure ALL carrots get jizzed on equally).
Bake them for like 40 ish minutes (give or take 5 minutes).
Enjoy putting them in your mouth, chewing, and swallowing.
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In rural America, rumors spread like butter on hotcakes. Moving back to small-town Kansas after a decade in Denver, CO, Anderson County native, Krystal Fawn spins tall tales from spilled tea.
“I’d hear these crazy stories but I’d have no idea who any of these people were so I started filling in the holes, making up these elaborate characters to try to bridge the gap between the rumors and who these people could be, and how they could have gotten into that kind of predicament. What they’d call ‘spinning a yarn’ around here.”
Author, Krystal Fawn
Gut-wrenching and gross with dark, slap-stick-like humor, Corn Tits Part 1: Rowdy Tales from Rural Kansas is an adult-themed story written for readers 18+ about a woman (Candy Jo aka Corn Tits) struggling with a meth addiction who has recently fallen in love with a man with one leg (One-Legged Carl) and what happens after she gets caught in quite a compromising position.
“If you’re looking for something adventurous and delightfully raunchy to read, Krystal Fawn just published her first book, Corn Tits. If you’re into Tom Robbins books, you’ll thoroughly enjoy this.”
“It’s the best book I’ve read that has been written by anyone around these parts.”
-Grandma Arlene (who has read no other books by people from around these parts)
“Apple censored the title, figured it had to be good. It was the *t**s.”
Help her reach her goal of 20,200 copies sold by the end of 2020!!!
Download the eBook on ALL e-publishing sites including Amazon Kindle, Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, and kobo. Find them all here.
Share the link with all your friends and be sure to leave a review like the ones above to spread the Corn Tits Love!
Live Reading and Q&A of Newly Released Novella, Corn Tits, with Author Krystal Fawn
Facebook Live: Tuesday, December 8th at 8 pm CST/ 7pm MST
Spice up your dinner plate with this sexy phallic food sauté. This dish is a super easy + healthy way to add some side dish to your entree. Get almost all your phallic foods in your mouth at once!
What you Need for Phallic Food Sauté:
Knife (I used this french fry cutter thing to give them a fun shape–not required)
½ cup eggplant
½ cup zucchini
½ cup yellow squash
Seasonings of choice (recommended: italian or old bay or creole or cumin + paprika)
What you do:
Slice the eggplant into rounds or dices depending on size of eggplant.
Put in colander. Cover with salt. Let sit for an hour.
Once the eggplant has had sometime to sweat and think about what it’s done. Heat a skillet. Add some olive oil to the pan. Throw in all the vegetables together and saute until they’re a little bit blackened (that’s how I like them anyway) — about 10-15 minutes.
Eat them as a side to your favorite entree OR make it a four-way by heating up a brat, slicing it up and throwing it into the party.
I originally tried using the entirety of all three phallic foods in this sauté. I even had a really big skillet, but it was still too much to sauté all at once. Obviously you can do it in batches if you want to use more than 1/2 a cup at once.
Did you know that the future author of the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook has written a work of fiction? Read her raunchy dark comedy about a woman addicted to meth who is caught in a rather compromising position. Corn Tits Part 1 is out on almost all major e-readers now.
Yum yum give me some. This nutty pecan pesto is simple to make and can be put on or in whatever your heart (and stomach) wants.
I chose to use pecans in this pesto because they have a robust full flavor. I also picked them, literally. My grandma has a pecan tree and last year she had so many blowing off the limbs we barely could collect them all. This year there were zero–I guess they do that sometimes? I am no pecan expert.
I did just move to a house that has one in the yard too but also– no nuts this year. I am hoping for lots of nuts next season though.
Of course, if you do not have pecans you can sub any other nut of choice. Same with the herb. I used parsley because it was in my fridge, but basil would also work nicely. I have even seem someone use the greens of a carrot. So, if you do that let me know how it turns out!
Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto Recipe
Serves 1 cup
Prep Time: 5 mins
Total Time: 5 mins
What You Need:
1/2 cup pecans
2 tablespoons lemon juice (or juice of half of a lemon)
3 garlic cloves
1 jalapeno (stem and seeds removed) (optional)
Big pinch of sea salt
Medium pinch of red pepper flakes
freshly ground black pepper to taste
2 cups parsley leaves
1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese (sub nutritional yeast if dairy-free)
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil, more for a smoother pesto
What You Do
In a food processor, chop up those nuts.
Add the garlic. Chop chop.
Dump in the lemon juice, salt, pepper, and pulse a bit more.
Add the parsley, keep it pulsing until combined.
While your food processor is still a humming, drizzle in the olive oil until combined.
Add the parmesan cheese, if using, and pulse to briefly combine.
For a nut-filled pesto, use less olive oil. For a smoother pesto add more olive oil.
Looking for a quality bullet vibrator to get you through this third wave of quarantine?
Whether you are single or in a relationship.
Whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, queer, etc.
Whether you live alone, with partner, with roommates, with parents.
Whether you like clitorial stimulation, internal, anal, nipple play, ball play etc.
This is the best bullet vibrator for you!
What bullet vibrator am I talking about?
The We-Vibe Tango.
Yes, I have mentioned this bullet vibrator several times before, but I am bringing it up again considering we are all living in a very weird time. Many people are looking for new ways to spice up their romantic lives, either with themselves or with others and my first suggestion would be to add toys. It’s easy, it’s fun, and it’s worth it.
Here are some of the main reasons why I think the We-Vibe Tango is the best bullet vibrator to add to your adult toy collection.
It’s discreet. This bullet vibrator measures a little over 3 inches making it easy to hide in a side drawer or purse or bag or even in a fanny pack.
The We-Vibe Tango is rechargeable. Thus making it slightly more environmentally-friendly and prevents you from having to go to the store or have batteries delivered.
It’s made from body-safe material and is easy to clean (though I still recommend a toy cleaner–System Jo is the one I use.)
This bullet vibrator has eight power modes. Personally I’m not into the patterned vibrations but many people are. The highest speed that has a continual vibe is pretty strong though. I do prefer it super intense– I am a hitachi girl after all. It is not as strong as the hitachi but it doesn’t have to be plugged into a wall to work so that’s a plus. It also has several lower speed settings for those who don’t like their vibrators to operate in hyperdrive.
It is versatile in its pleasure profile. Not only is it a terrific clitoral stimulator you can also get creative with it. Try it on your nipples or your scrotum if you have one. Do NOT put in your butt by itself. This toy does not have a base and your butt will eat it and you def do not want to go to the ER to have it removed, particularly in the middle of a pandemic.
It plays well with others. Yes, this is a great toy to use solo. It is also fun to use with other people because it’s small enough to not get in the way while doing whatever it is you like to do. It’s also just the right size that you can use it in other toys with built-in bullet holes. Like strap-ons and anal plugs (now you can put it in your butt, but only if you put it in a plug first).
It’s technically affordable. Okay, so it’s $79. But! If you break that down, let’s say you use it every day for a year–that’s less than a quarter a day. Would you pay a quarter for an orgasm? That’s what I thought, me too. Also, you can buy a cheaper version, but it won’t last as long and it usually comes with batteries–often those little watch batteries–trust it’s worth it to invest in yourself and your adult toys.
So yeah, this is my number one recommendation for anyone looking to add some spice to their sex lives, particularly a new toy. Many people say to me, “I want a new vibrator but I don’t know what to get.” Well, get this. If you don’t like it, I’ll recommend something else later, but the We-Vibe Tango is one of those toys that everyone should have in their adult toy arsenal.
The first recipe for the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook is a delicious and easy to make carrot ginger soup.
I refuse to be one of those people who write a novel before the recipe. I really do not care how much it helps the SEO. You deserve better than that.
So, here is the carrot ginger soup recipe:
Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup
Prep Time: 15 mins
Cook Time: 30 mins
Total Time: 45 mins
Serves 3 to 4
What You Need
1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup chopped yellow onions
5-6 garlic cloves, smashed
3 heaping cups chopped carrots
1+ tablespoon grated (or chopped fine) fresh ginger (adjust according to taste)
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
Pinch of nutmeg (optional)
Pinch of cayenne pepper (optional)
4 cups vegetable broth
Sea salt and fresh black pepper
For the Nut & Cream Finish (Optional)
Plain greek yogurt (or non-dairy if vegan)
Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto (recipe to come next week)
What You Do
Get out a large pot. Put it on the stove. Add olive oil to the pot. Turn the heat up to medium.
Add the onions and a generous pinch of salt and pepper. Cook until softened, stirring occasionally, about 5 minutes.
Add the smashed garlic cloves and chopped carrots to the pot and cook about 8 minutes more, stirring occasionally.
Toss in the ginger, apple cider vinegar, the vegetable broth (and nutmeg, cayenne pepper if using). Reduce to a simmer and cook until the carrots turn from hard to soft, about 30 minutes. (Perfect time to make that Pesto if using)
Let cool slightly.
Transfer to a blender. Blend until smooth. (It certainly may not go super smoothly if it all doesn’t fit in blender at once, but it is worth the mess or the potential investment in an immersion blender.)
Once blended you can re-adjust the seasonings to your taste.
Finally, the fun part!
Pour the carrot ginger soup into a bowl. Take a spoonful of greek yogurt and wap it on top of the soup. Top the creamy yogurt with the Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto. Eat. Enjoy. Yum.
Or after you eat your carrots perhaps you will be filling lusty, if that is the case, have you experimented with any new toys lately? Love Honey has Sexy Advet Calendars now. That will give you something to do (toys) or wear (lingerie) like every day for many days to come. Click on image below to discover more!
Masturbation can be a form of stress relief and can ease anxiety and aid in better overall emotional, spiritual, and physical health. And in these times of intensity, it can also help ease the rage. I know because I’ve been full of rage for many decades now and I have tried it myself.
Because as I person who runs a sex-positive and body-positive blog that means all shapes, races, colors, desires welcome and supported. Big carrot, little carrot, no carrot– everyone deserves love and respect.
That being said, if you’re in the market for a new way to show yourself some love aka a new toy, use one of the affiliate links below and for the next month (June 2-July 2, 2020) I will donate 100% of the proceeds to Black Lives Matter campaigns including Campaign Zero and Bail Funds across the country.
The amount from proceeds is usually about 10-30% of your total cost (depending on the affiliate). So, you can get that new toy you were already planning to buy while at the same time giving a portion of that money to a good cause.
Of course, If you don’t want a new toy and you just want to use the one you got or your hands or a pillow or whatever—and donate that money you could have used on a toy, by all means, DO THAT. Or do whatever you want. This is a free country. Or, we’re at least trying to get there.
A Short List of My Favorite Sex Toy Companies
Tantus : 100% premium-silicone toys designed by women and hand-molded in U.S.
Lelo: I have always been impressed by this Swedish company’s designs. Now you can get a free toy with purchase over $169.
We-Vibe: Get it on with some of the best toys I have ever tested with this Canadian company dedicated to shaping the future of sexual health and wellness.
Here are some toys that I think look fun and would love to try, so maybe try them out and let me know what you think OR send one to me and I’ll review it for everyone.
Anyhoo. If you have questions or comments about what the best toy would be for you feel free to send me a message on Instagram or email me via my contact. Thanks for supporting the cause and taking care of your own sexual health at the same time.
If you think racism doesn’t impact your life, think again.
I recently moved back to rural Kansas after 15+ years living in much much bigger cities (Chicago and Denver). And being out here while all of these protests are going on has got me feeling a mixed bag of emotions–sadness, anger, rage, grief, regret, etc. And I keep thinking, what can I do? How can I help?
Then I think about where I am.
I think about who I am.
I’m in the middle of nowhere Kansas somewhere in between Kansas City and Tulsa on the Missouri border. A place with a rich civil war history, a place known to have been at the forefront for fighting to be a free state, John Brown, massacres, bloody Kansas etc. it all happened right around here. Cities were burned. People were murdered for having one belief or the other. It was brutal. It was chaotic.
All in the name of freedom.
But now? Now I think about how so many of us are afraid. There can be no other explanation. We’re afraid to stand up for what’s right.
We’re afraid to do even the smallest action, to put a Black Lives Matter sign up in our window, or to call out the racism on our Facebook newsfeed, or invite our black friends to come visit.
Why? Because we know that makes us a target for violence. It makes us a target for being ostracized, pushed out, abandoned by our ‘people’ aka our family, our community. And though, theoretically we understand that these racist types are ‘not our people’ … they also are?
So instead of saying something or doing anything we find ourselves becoming apathetic, avoiding these issues, remaining apolitical for the state of surviving where we are. Minimizing what’s happening or going so far as to blame the victims themselves.
I think back on why I left, why I moved out of this small town, and it’s because I didn’t feel like I belonged. Of course, I looked like I belonged with my white skin and my german nose and my dirty blonde hair, but I didn’t feel like I belonged because I had different thoughts on how I wanted to live my life, who I wanted to be, ways and desires that didn’t fit within the mold the town has constructed for its people.
To pretend this construction isn’t a reality for folks in this community is dangerous. It’s dangerous because it strips individuals of their freedom. Turning people away because they don’t fit within your own mold creates fear. Confusion. Anger. Uncertainty.
If freedom is what so many people believe in then why do we let so much happen that goes against that very idea? Shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose where they live, what they believe, who they love– even if it doesn’t align with your own ideas of what that looks like? Isn’t that what our ancestors fought for when they fought for Kansas to be a free state? A fight for a united America–where everyone, regardless of their color of skin would have the right to empower or fuck up their own lives however they saw fit?
We cannot continue to ignore what is happening because it happens each and every day in our own backyards.
Your silence will not save you and it damn well won’t save our friends, family, loved ones, lovers, children and neighbors.
What can we do?
Here are a few suggestions that might help you as you continue on the path toward justice, freedom, and equality–wherever you happen to be.
Little Tips for Big Anti-Racist Action
Turn Toward Your Feelings Not Away From Them.
This stuff hurts. This stuff is heavy. But instead of running, deflecting, numbing, avoiding, we must turn inward. Stop. Sit. Examine what is coming up. Anger? Sadness? Confusion? Where does it stem from? What does it feel like within your body? Where is it located? What is the texture. Can you sit with it fully? Do that. Feel all of it.
Kill Your Ego
When we come from a place we’re we can listen without judgement we are better equipped to handle the chaos. Note that not every experience is specifically about you. If something provokes you this can often be a reflection of your own beliefs, issues, trauma, and that needs to be examined (see above suggestion on turning inward). Perhaps you have guilt about your part in all of this, that is valid, that is not uncommon, that is to be expected.
When you kill your ego you kill the part of yourself that lives from fear and fear is what works to perpetuate all of this bullshit and keeps everyone from truly living freely. Fear is what keeps us from doing the right thing and choosing the comfortable thing instead.
We only know the depths of our own experiences. For the most part we do not know the full history, experiences, nuances of any one else’s lives (not even the Kardashians!). If people are running around being racist, how can you confront them in a productive way? If you are struggling you can always ask yourself WWJD or apply the golden rule.
Think about the times that you’ve changed your opinion of a matter, did it happen because someone was screaming at you and calling you names or did it happen because you were able to have an open and honest conversation?
If ever unsure, ask questions. Note that you might not get the response you were hoping for, know that all is not lost. Also remember that if you’re talking through these issues on an open social media platform that you’re saying the words you are saying to thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people, so you may make a positive impact on someone and never even know it.
Dive Deeper Into Our History
Race is a social construct. White people weren’t always white. Working class white people have more in common with people of color than they do their corporate bosses. Ask yourself why, who does this divisiveness ultimately serve? There are SO many resources out there that will aid in your discovery.