Gluten-Free Baked Cheese and Pickle Chips

keto pickle chips

A Healthier Chip? Prob Not Technically. 

If you ever felt like you wanted to know more about me the first thing I’d tell you is that I’m really into pickles…. I suppose that is pretty obvious considering I am the creator of the Phallic Food Cookbook. BUT! This is the part of the blog that I’m supposed to write something about my relationship to food so there you have it, I love pickles. I love all kinds of pickles, I am not one of those people who only like DILL, I find that to be ridiculous, give me a good bread & better, a spicy garlic, a curry cayenne, I really don’t care, as long as it’s crisp, clean, delicious. 

There was a time when I was trying to be more keto-friendly with my diet. I had to go on stage and take off my dress in front of like 90 people from around my hometown every night for 6 nights, so I was trying to like, tone up, which meant I had to quit eating potato chips (my guilty snack pleasure). I found a recipe similar to this on someone’s facebook page and adapted it. I adapted in the sense that I used my mother’s homepage bread and butter pickles and I perhaps added way too much cheese. 

These cheese and pickle chips are pretty weird, I’ll admit to that. They’re okay. They grow on you. I don’t really know how else to say that they’re worth trying but aren’t like the best food you’ll ever have in your life. IDK maybe a different combination would work better than the one I tried. Let me know if you find a good combo! 

I made a batch on a flat sheet and a batch in a muffin tin, the flat sheet makes them crunchier which I preferred but the muffin tin makes them thicker, which some of my food samplers said they liked better.

Gluten-Free Baked Cheese and Pickle Chips Recipe

What You Need:

  • A dozen of your favorite pickle round slices
  • Your favorite shredded Cheese

What You Do:

  • Preheat oven to 425 degrees
  • Spray nonstick spray on oven pan or muffin tin
  • Sprinkle 12 circles of cheese on pan or muffin tin
  • Pat dry pickles on both sides
  • Place on top of cheese
  • Sprinkle more cheese on top of pickle
  • Bake for like 15 minutes 
  • Enjoy!

Loving what you’re getting so far? Get other Phallic Food diet recipes. Including more like the Gluten-Free Tuna Cucumber Sandwiches.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Want to listen to my interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits? Find it on the Chubstep Podcast here.

Phallic Food Asian Noodles

asian noodle recipe

Send These Noods Right Over

The best part of this phallic food asian noodles dish is that you can eat it hot, warm, or cold; any way you have it, it’s delicious. I also like it because it’s a well-rounded addition to the phallic food diet cookbook as it includes 4 major phallic foods: carrots, cucumbers, sausage, and peanuts. The combination creates a plethora of texture and the jalapenos and sauce add a nice kick. 

As someone who lives alone and struggles at times to have the motivation to cook, these phallic food noodles are great to have ready to go in the fridge for whenever hunger strikes. I like to eat mine with chopsticks because it’s good practice, and I could use all the practice I can get because I’ll tell you, I didn’t use chopsticks until I was well into my late 20s. There was only one Chinese restaurant anywhere near me growing up and not only did it make me sick on both occasions that I went, they only had forks. Now, when I go out in public to an asian restaurant I only look sort of awkward instead of all the way awkward–oh the powers of learning, practicing, growing. 

Anyway, now, with this tasty recipe you can grow your stomach and your chopsticking skills all at once! Or just eat it with a fork, either way, you’re welcome.  

Phallic Food Asian Noodles Recipe

What You Need:

  • Half a package of Udon noodles (or noodles of choice)
  • 1 LB Ground sausage
  • 2 medium/large carrots shredded
  • ½ of one Cucumber, peeled and diced
  • 1-2 Jalapenos, diced
  • Half of a red onion, diced 

Sauce

  • 2 tablespoons chili garlic sauce 
  • ⅔ cup of soy sauce
  • 1 tablespoon sriracha 
  • 1-2 tablespoons sweetener of choice (agave, honey, brown sugar etc)
  • The juice of one lime
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic salt
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic powder
  • Pinch of cayenne 
  • Pepper to taste

Toppings (optional}

  • Chopped peanuts
  • Cilantro

What You Do:

  1. Boil a pot of water and cook noodles based on package direction, drain
  2. At the same time, brown the sausage in a skillet over medium heat, drain, set aside
  3. Cook the onion and jalapeño on medium low for about five minutes,
  4. Make sauce by combining all the ingredients in a bowl
  5. Pour sauce into onion, mix, add drained sausage, carrots and cucumber stir, then add to drained noodles, stir some more
  6. Serve in individual bowls and top with peanuts and/or cilantro 
  7. Eat!

Loving what you’re getting so far? Get other Phallic Food diet recipes. Including more like the Gluten-Free Tuna Cucumber Sandwiches.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Want to listen to my interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits? Find it on the Chubstep Podcast here.

The Chubstep Chicago-Style Phallic Hot Dog with Cumback Sauce

recipe for chicago-style phallic hotdog

You’ll keep coming back for more of these hot juicy dogs

We’re doing it Chicago Style today, my friends. Thanks to the creative and talented guys from Chubstep Podcast, we’ve got ourselves another amazing phallic hot dog recipe in the books!

If you haven’t taken a listen I’d highly recommend checking them out, they talk about anything and everything– there’s a chance you’ll even laugh… more than once!

They reached out to me MANY months ago as I was the only other person to ever hashtag the phallic food diet. They even interviewed me about it (link at bottom of recipe). And now here we are, several moon cycles later working together on hot dog recipes.

There’s really nothing better on a warm summer day than a nice juicy phallic hot dog and you can’t eat a hot dog without doing it Chicago-style at least once! I asked the Chubstep fellas to help me out with this one since they’re still Windy city living (I haven’t lived in Chicago since 2010).

If you want it done right sometimes you got to call in the experts.

So, here’s Chubstep’s take on the Chicago-style phallic hot dog with a Cumback sauce twist–perfect as I return from my 2+ month hiatus.

The Chubstep Chicago-Style Phallic Hot Dog with Cumback Sauce Recipe

What you Need:

For the Cumback Sauce:

  • 2 Tbsp. Yellow mustard
  • 3 Tbsp. Mayo
  • 1 Tbsp. Ketchup
  • 1 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 Tbsp Sriracha
  • 1 tsp. Garlic salt
  • 1 tsp. Black Pepper
  • 1 tsp. Onion powder
  • Juice of Half a Lemon

For the Relish:

  • 1 Tomato
  • 2 green onions
  • 1 Tbsp red wine vinegar
  • 2 tsp. celery salt

For the Doggie Style:
Dill pickles
Sport peppers
Grilled hot dog or Polish sausage
Toasted bun

What You Do:

  1. Make the sauce. Aka mix all ingredients into a bowl.
  2. Make the relish. Chop up the tomatoes and onion toss in another bowl and mix with the vinegar and salt.
  3. Grill your Weiner.
  4. Toast your buns.
  5. Slide Weiner into bun.
  6. Slather with cumback sauce.
  7. Slop on the relish.
  8. Top with pickles and/or sport peppers
  9. Shove in mouth.

The Chicago-style phallic hotdog

The Chicago-style Polish Dog

Follow Chubstep’s other food-inspired Instagram @brogrillofficial for even more delicious ideas!

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes including other great party food ideas, check out The Original Phallic Food Hot Dog with Carrot Relish here.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Want to listen to my interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits? Find it on the Chubstep Podcast here

Shred That Carrot Salad with Chickpeas and Nuts

carrot chickpea salad

In Honor of Go Eat a Carrot’s Anniversary

Well, it’s almost Easter weekend yet again. For those of you who are new, Go Eat a Carrot originally formed right around this time, 3 years ago I believe. Crazy how time flies! The blog has definitely evolved, where it was originally a place for me to express any and all of my thoughts, particularly those thoughts evolving around sexuality and dating, it is now mostly used to showcase my Phallic Food Diet Recipes. 

This shredded carrot salad would make a great addition to any spring-time food gathering festivities you’ve got going on. It’s also one of those interchangeable recipes, feel free to change out the chickpeas, the nuts, the dried cherries, or the herbs with whatever you have on hand that you think would work well. 

Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy this delicious and healthy carrot salad recipe!

Shred That Carrot Salad with Chickpeas and Nuts Recipe

What You Need:

Dressing

  • 2 tablespoons of Olive oil
  • 2 teaspoon Dijon mustard
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic powder
  • Cayenne pepper
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Juice of ½ lemon
  • Tablespoon of Honey

For Salad:

  • About 5 carrot, shredded (or buy pre-shredded if you so choose) 
  • 1 can of chickpeas, drained
  • ½ cup pecans, rough chop optional
  • ¼ cup sunflower seeds
  • ¼ cup dried cherries
  • A handful of  fresh basil, tore up

What You Do:

Make the dressing– in a small bowl, whisk together all of the dressing ingredients. 

Make salad– in a medium-sized bowl (preferably one with a lid that you can put in the fridge), throw in the salad ingredients, stir it up a little bit, then toss the dressing over the top and stir some more until all is fully covered. Refrigerate until ready to eat. Can probably make a few hours or even a day ahead, though you can also just eat it right away if you so choose.

Enjoy!

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes including other great party food ideas, check out my Crescent Wrapped Hot & Spicy Pickles.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Titson the Chubstep Podcast here

Crescent Wrapped Hot & Spicy Pickles

party pickle ideas

Turn Your Boring Crescent Rolls Into an Addicting Phallic Food Diet Appetizer 

Moist, creamy, irresistible pickle apps that will please a party

I’ve been putting off making these crescent wrapped hot & spicy pickles because I thought there would be no way I could eat all of them by myself. Finally I got invited to a small dinner party and they didn’t last 10 minutes. Everyone loved these, I mean, how can you beat bacon, cheese, pickles, and buttery carbs? Perhaps not the healthiest phallic food diet recipe, but damn, these are so good. If you need a quick and easy appetizer that’s guaranteed to be a crowd-pleaser then this might become your newest go-to! 

If you’re not into spicy pickles you can change out the choice of cheese and the style of pickle you’re using– mozzarella + garlic pickles would be good, dill + cheddar, bread & butter + muenster. Combinations are endless. I love a little spice though, so there you go.  

Crescent Wrapped Hot & Spicy Pickles Recipe

What You Need:

  • 6 ounces of cream cheese
  • 5-6 slices of bacon
  • 1 cup shredded pepper jack or cheese of your choice
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • ½ teaspoon Garlic Powder
  • ½ teaspoon Cumin 
  • Pinch or more of Cayenne Pepper 
  • 1 tube crescent rolls
  • 1 Jar Hot & Spicy Pickles Spears (or flavor of your choice) 
  • 8 pickle spears, halved
  • 1 Egg

What You Do:

  1. Soften your cream cheese

2. Cook and crumble your bacon

3. Preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

4. Unroll the crescent rolls then cut down the middle of each lengthwise place on baking sheet. 

5. In a bowl, mix the cream cheese, crumbled bacon, shredded cheese, spices, and salt and pepper. 

6. Cut pickles into thirds, or the size of the widest length of the crescent roll. 

7. Scoop the cream cheese filling on each of the crescent rolls, put one piece of pickle on top, roll them all up. 

8. Make egg wash by whisking up an egg, brush each crescent wrap with the egg wash.

9. Bake for about 13-15 minutes until golden brown on top and slightly oozy out the sides.

10. Let cool slightly then put on serving plate.

Enjoy! 

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes check out my Bangers and Smashers recipe (Irish sausage + mashed parsnip and potatoes) here.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits on the Chubstep Podcast here

Bangers and Smashers

mashed parsnip phallic food recipe

 

Aka: Irish sausages with mashed parsnips and potato

Fill Yourself Up with This Thick & Tasty Irish Entree 

From big juicy sausages to pretty plump parsnips, this phallic food diet meal is sure to please! It’s perfect if you’re looking for a simple way to celebrate Irish heritage this month, or if you just want to add another easy, delicious, and moderately healthy recipes to your arsenal. 

Of course, the parsnips and sausages are the phallic food ingredients. 

Parsnips are cousins to carrots and are a very good source of fiber. In this recipe I combine with potatoes, mostly because these were the ingredients I had in my house, but you can totally use only parsnips (or only potatoes) if you so choose. 

Irish Sausages with Mashed Parsnips and Potatoes Recipe 

Aka Bangers and Smashers

What You Need:

  • 1 pound parsnips peeled and cut into chunks
  • 1 pound russet potatoes, peeled and cut into chunks
  • 1+ cup whole milk 
  • 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, divided
  • Kosher (or garlic) salt and pepper, to taste
  • Irish sausages or brats of your choice

What You Do:

  • To a large pot, add the peeled potatoes and parsnips, fill with water, and boil over high heat.
  • Once fork tender, remove them from the heat, and drain.
  • Add in 4 tablespoons of butter and half of the milk. Stir and mash the parsnips and potatoes. Add in more milk until you reach the desired consistency. 
  • At the same time, cook sausages via their package directions. (I’ve been using my Nu Wave oven, which is 10 minutes at 380 degrees F).
  •  Serve these bangers and smashers on a plate and shove in mouth to enjoy! 

Thanks for coming!

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes including even more Banana Fun check out my Basic Bitch Banana Bread with a Phallic Diet Twist here.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits on the Chubstep Podcast here

Frozen Chocolate Covered Bananas with Nuts

frozen bananas

They’re hard. They’re Chocolate. They’re nutty. 

It’s BANANA Month! 

Oh, yeah, because this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Now that I have that song stuck in your head, I shall continue. I hated bananas until the age of 34. So, the banana boat is something I’m just now hopping onto. I still don’t really care for banana-flavored stuff but I do not think I’m alone here. 

Anyway, these frozen chocolate covered bananas are a perfect treat for yourself or your lover or both and easy enough to make that you’ll look like a real champ if you are looking for a fun and delicious way to celebrate the holiday of love aka Valentine’s Day. Or you just want a moderately healthy dessert to shove in your mouth. Before your bananas turn to mush turn them into this sweet treat and have them on hand anytime you’re in the mood for hard, chocolatey nuts on your tongue. 

Frozen Chocolate Covered Bananas with Nuts

What You Need:

  • 2 Bananas cut in half
  • 4 Popsicle sticks
  • ½ a bag of chocolate chips
  • Nuts of your choice (I used pecans and peanuts)

What You Do:

1.

On baking sheet with a piece of wax paper on top, put popsicle sticks up each banana

Let freeze for like 15-30 minutes

2. 

Once bananas have gotten hard, melt the chocolate–a microwave works best but a double-broiler works too (I have neither so it made this much more challenging)

3.

Dump some nuts on a plate. Dip, cover, coat each bananas in chocolate and then roll each banana in the nuts. Place back on wax paper.

4.

Freeze for like 30 more minutes than shove in mouth. Or store in ziplock bag until ready to eat. 

Thanks for coming! 

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes check out Go Eat a Carrot Hummus.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits on the Chubstep Podcast here

Three-Way Phallic Food Sauté

Three-Way Phallic Food Sauté

Spice up your dinner plate with this sexy phallic food sauté. This dish is a super easy + healthy way to add some side dish to your entree. Get almost all your phallic foods in your mouth at once!

What you Need for Phallic Food Sauté:

Skillet

Knife (I used this french fry cutter thing to give them a fun shape–not required)

Cutting board

½ cup eggplant

½ cup zucchini

½ cup yellow squash

Olive oil

Salt

Seasonings of choice (recommended: italian or old bay or creole or cumin + paprika)

What you do:

Slice the eggplant into rounds or dices depending on size of eggplant. 

Put in colander. Cover with salt. Let sit for an hour.

Once the eggplant has had sometime to sweat and think about what it’s done. Heat a skillet. Add some olive oil to the pan. Throw in all the vegetables together and saute until they’re a little bit blackened (that’s how I like them anyway) — about 10-15 minutes. 

Eat them as a side to your favorite entree OR make it a four-way by heating up a brat, slicing it up and throwing it into the party.

P.S.

I originally tried using the entirety of all three phallic foods in this sauté. I even had a really big skillet, but it was still too much to sauté all at once. Obviously you can do it in batches if you want to use more than 1/2 a cup at once.

Get fun phallic food facts on the Go Eat a Carrot Patreon!

Want more phallic food recipe ideas? Try the Nut & Creamed on Carrot Ginger Soup (yum)!

Did you know that the future author of the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook has written a work of fiction? Read her raunchy dark comedy about a woman addicted to meth who is caught in a rather compromising position. Corn Tits Part 1 is out on almost all major e-readers now.

The Best Bullet Vibrator To Buy While In Quarantine Due to Covid-19 Pandemic

What is the best bullet vibrator?

Looking for a quality bullet vibrator to get you through this third wave of quarantine?

Whether you are single or in a relationship.

Whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, queer, etc. 

Whether you live alone, with partner, with roommates, with parents. 

Whether you like clitorial stimulation, internal, anal, nipple play, ball play etc. 

This is the best bullet vibrator for you!

What bullet vibrator am I talking about?

The We-Vibe Tango. 

Yes, I have mentioned this bullet vibrator several times before, but I am bringing it up again considering we are all living in a very weird time. Many people are looking for new ways to spice up their romantic lives, either with themselves or with others and my first suggestion would be to add toys. It’s easy, it’s fun, and it’s worth it. 

Buy yourself a new toy–the we-vibe tango bullet vibrator

Here are some of the main reasons why I think the We-Vibe Tango is the best bullet vibrator to add to your adult toy collection. 

  1. It’s discreet. This bullet vibrator measures a little over 3 inches making it easy to hide in a side drawer or purse or bag or even in a fanny pack. 
  2. The We-Vibe Tango is rechargeable. Thus making it slightly more environmentally-friendly and prevents you from having to go to the store or have batteries delivered. 
  3. It’s made from body-safe material and is easy to clean (though I still recommend a toy cleaner–System Jo is the one I use.)
  4. This bullet vibrator has eight power modes. Personally I’m not into the patterned vibrations but many people are. The highest speed that has a continual vibe is pretty strong though. I do prefer it super intense– I am a hitachi girl after all. It is not as strong as the hitachi but it doesn’t have to be plugged into a wall to work so that’s a plus. It also has several lower speed settings for those who don’t like their vibrators to operate in hyperdrive.
  5. It is versatile in its pleasure profile. Not only is it a terrific clitoral stimulator you can also get creative with it. Try it on your nipples or your scrotum if you have one. Do NOT put in your butt by itself. This toy does not have a base and your butt will eat it and you def do not want to go to the ER to have it removed, particularly in the middle of a pandemic. 
  6. It plays well with others. Yes, this is a great toy to use solo. It is also fun to use with other people because it’s small enough to not get in the way while doing whatever it is you like to do. It’s also just the right size that you can use it in other toys with built-in bullet holes. Like strap-ons and anal plugs (now you can put it in your butt, but only if you put it in a plug first). 
  7. It’s technically affordable. Okay, so it’s $79. But! If you break that down, let’s say you use it every day for a year–that’s less than a quarter a day. Would you pay a quarter for an orgasm? That’s what I thought, me too. Also, you can buy a cheaper version, but it won’t last as long and it usually comes with batteries–often those little watch batteries–trust it’s worth it to invest in yourself and your adult toys.

So yeah, this is my number one recommendation for anyone looking to add some spice to their sex lives, particularly a new toy. Many people say to me, “I want a new vibrator but I don’t know what to get.” Well, get this. If you don’t like it, I’ll recommend something else later, but the We-Vibe Tango is one of those toys that everyone should have in their adult toy arsenal. 

Use this link to buy the We-Vibe Tango for yourself. (Don’t forget the lube and the toy cleaner.)

Thanks for coming. 

Check out my Patreon for Phallic Food Diet recipes and more! 

Just Because I’m Sex Positive Does Not Mean I Want to Have Sex With You

What is sex positivity?

Sex Positive and the Dudes Who Need it Most

The other day I was asked a rather rude question.

It is not uncommon I suppose, when you talk about sex and sexuality, it gets people riled up. 

Suddenly they think they can be crass because that is their view of sex. They think they can be dirty because they think sex is dirty. They can be off-putting and rude and awkward because they have never been given the tools to fully grasp who they are wholly (and that includes their own sexuality). 

And, so, I suppose I can’t take that much offense when someone who isn’t emotionally developed asks me a rude question. I can only hope for the best. The best being that they recognize they are being a dick and work on ways to be less of a dick in the future.

Anyhoo. Sexuality is a pretty big element in most people’s lives– even people who abstain– as many have to actively NOT do it etc. Sex is how we all got here (in case you missed that day in Health class). Good ole sperm and egg. 

Sex and Sexual Health

Sexual health makes up one of the many areas of general overall health–other areas include physical health, social health, financial health, emotional health, etc. 

Yet, sexuality comes with a whole host of issues that many of the others do not, for example, many people experience a lot of shame, confusion, mis-information, avoidance, religious propaganda etc. when it comes to sexuality. 

Sex positivity works to help overcome all of that. It’s about positive sexual health, empowered sexuality, sex without shame, sex with respect, consent, boundaries, desires, pleasures, etc. 

One of the issues I run into is that many men think that because I talk about sex I must WANT it ALL of the time and FROM ANYONE. 

In fact, that was what the rude question was all about. A person, who I politely declined a proposition from many many months ago, had the nerve to ask me if I were a [nympho] 

(in brackets because of course he didn’t spell it correctly). 

To be clear, a person can be sex positive and not want to engage in sexual activity with everyone they meet. 

A person can also be sex positive and WANT to engage in sexuality activity with everyone they meet. 

What Does it Mean to Be Sex Positive?

Being sex positive means that you accept and respect your own sexuality and everyone elses around you with openness, honesty, consent, communication, etc. 

To do this we may have to unlearn many of the ideas and concepts that we grew up with; we may have to explore new ideas, ask questions, be curious about what could be instead of making assumptions about where we are or who other people are etc. We also have to learn how to ask better questions, how to be respectful and tactful when we talk about sexuality with those around us. 

Anyhoo. Personally, I have explored many many options and am currently in the process of learning more about myself while being open to a meaningful long-term relationship with someone who actually wants more from me than just SEX. I know, hard to believe, but it’s true. 

Yes, I can still be sexy, yes I can still have desires and fantasies, and get attention from people who think I’m hot, but no, I personally do not plan to bang every Todd, Dick, and Hairy that ask. 

Thank you for asking, but no thank you. 

If you’d like to take me on a date and get to know me (once this quarantine is all over) then you may ask me that and I will let you know one way or the other. 

If you are not interested that is OKAY too, I do not need to know that you are not interested, it makes no difference to me. We all have different tastes, desires, attractions etc. you go after whatever those are to you (consensually of course). 

If you continue to have questions you’re always welcome to hire me as a consultant where I will answer and advise based on my background in sex positivity. 

Good day to you and to all!

P.S.

Why not buy yourself a new toy and continue your sex positive exploration while helping your fellow sex positive blogger get a small % in return for making said recommendation? Cool. Discover Lelo for ultimate pleasure experiences.