Oh, yeah, because this shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Now that I have that song stuck in your head, I shall continue. I hated bananas until the age of 34. So, the banana boat is something I’m just now hopping onto. I still don’t really care for banana-flavored stuff but I do not think I’m alone here.
Anyway, these frozen chocolate covered bananas are a perfect treat for yourself or your lover or both and easy enough to make that you’ll look like a real champ if you are looking for a fun and delicious way to celebrate the holiday of love aka Valentine’s Day. Or you just want a moderately healthy dessert to shove in your mouth. Before your bananas turn to mush turn them into this sweet treat and have them on hand anytime you’re in the mood for hard, chocolatey nuts on your tongue.
Frozen Chocolate Covered Bananas with Nuts
What You Need:
2 Bananas cut in half
4 Popsicle sticks
½ a bag of chocolate chips
Nuts of your choice (I used pecans and peanuts)
What You Do:
On baking sheet with a piece of wax paper on top, put popsicle sticks up each banana
Let freeze for like 15-30 minutes
Once bananas have gotten hard, melt the chocolate–a microwave works best but a double-broiler works too (I have neither so it made this much more challenging)
Dump some nuts on a plate. Dip, cover, coat each bananas in chocolate and then roll each banana in the nuts. Place back on wax paper.
Freeze for like 30 more minutes than shove in mouth. Or store in ziplock bag until ready to eat.
Spice up your dinner plate with this sexy phallic food sauté. This dish is a super easy + healthy way to add some side dish to your entree. Get almost all your phallic foods in your mouth at once!
What you Need for Phallic Food Sauté:
Knife (I used this french fry cutter thing to give them a fun shape–not required)
½ cup eggplant
½ cup zucchini
½ cup yellow squash
Seasonings of choice (recommended: italian or old bay or creole or cumin + paprika)
What you do:
Slice the eggplant into rounds or dices depending on size of eggplant.
Put in colander. Cover with salt. Let sit for an hour.
Once the eggplant has had sometime to sweat and think about what it’s done. Heat a skillet. Add some olive oil to the pan. Throw in all the vegetables together and saute until they’re a little bit blackened (that’s how I like them anyway) — about 10-15 minutes.
Eat them as a side to your favorite entree OR make it a four-way by heating up a brat, slicing it up and throwing it into the party.
I originally tried using the entirety of all three phallic foods in this sauté. I even had a really big skillet, but it was still too much to sauté all at once. Obviously you can do it in batches if you want to use more than 1/2 a cup at once.
Did you know that the future author of the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook has written a work of fiction? Read her raunchy dark comedy about a woman addicted to meth who is caught in a rather compromising position. Corn Tits Part 1 is out on almost all major e-readers now.
Looking for a quality bullet vibrator to get you through this third wave of quarantine?
Whether you are single or in a relationship.
Whether you are straight, gay, lesbian, queer, etc.
Whether you live alone, with partner, with roommates, with parents.
Whether you like clitorial stimulation, internal, anal, nipple play, ball play etc.
This is the best bullet vibrator for you!
What bullet vibrator am I talking about?
The We-Vibe Tango.
Yes, I have mentioned this bullet vibrator several times before, but I am bringing it up again considering we are all living in a very weird time. Many people are looking for new ways to spice up their romantic lives, either with themselves or with others and my first suggestion would be to add toys. It’s easy, it’s fun, and it’s worth it.
Here are some of the main reasons why I think the We-Vibe Tango is the best bullet vibrator to add to your adult toy collection.
It’s discreet. This bullet vibrator measures a little over 3 inches making it easy to hide in a side drawer or purse or bag or even in a fanny pack.
The We-Vibe Tango is rechargeable. Thus making it slightly more environmentally-friendly and prevents you from having to go to the store or have batteries delivered.
It’s made from body-safe material and is easy to clean (though I still recommend a toy cleaner–System Jo is the one I use.)
This bullet vibrator has eight power modes. Personally I’m not into the patterned vibrations but many people are. The highest speed that has a continual vibe is pretty strong though. I do prefer it super intense– I am a hitachi girl after all. It is not as strong as the hitachi but it doesn’t have to be plugged into a wall to work so that’s a plus. It also has several lower speed settings for those who don’t like their vibrators to operate in hyperdrive.
It is versatile in its pleasure profile. Not only is it a terrific clitoral stimulator you can also get creative with it. Try it on your nipples or your scrotum if you have one. Do NOT put in your butt by itself. This toy does not have a base and your butt will eat it and you def do not want to go to the ER to have it removed, particularly in the middle of a pandemic.
It plays well with others. Yes, this is a great toy to use solo. It is also fun to use with other people because it’s small enough to not get in the way while doing whatever it is you like to do. It’s also just the right size that you can use it in other toys with built-in bullet holes. Like strap-ons and anal plugs (now you can put it in your butt, but only if you put it in a plug first).
It’s technically affordable. Okay, so it’s $79. But! If you break that down, let’s say you use it every day for a year–that’s less than a quarter a day. Would you pay a quarter for an orgasm? That’s what I thought, me too. Also, you can buy a cheaper version, but it won’t last as long and it usually comes with batteries–often those little watch batteries–trust it’s worth it to invest in yourself and your adult toys.
So yeah, this is my number one recommendation for anyone looking to add some spice to their sex lives, particularly a new toy. Many people say to me, “I want a new vibrator but I don’t know what to get.” Well, get this. If you don’t like it, I’ll recommend something else later, but the We-Vibe Tango is one of those toys that everyone should have in their adult toy arsenal.
It is not uncommon I suppose, when you talk about sex and sexuality, it gets people riled up.
Suddenly they think they can be crass because that is their view of sex. They think they can be dirty because they think sex is dirty. They can be off-putting and rude and awkward because they have never been given the tools to fully grasp who they are wholly (and that includes their own sexuality).
And, so, I suppose I can’t take that much offense when someone who isn’t emotionally developed asks me a rude question. I can only hope for the best. The best being that they recognize they are being a dick and work on ways to be less of a dick in the future.
Anyhoo. Sexuality is a pretty big element in most people’s lives– even people who abstain– as many have to actively NOT do it etc. Sex is how we all got here (in case you missed that day in Health class). Good ole sperm and egg.
Sex and Sexual Health
Sexual health makes up one of the many areas of general overall health–other areas include physical health, social health, financial health, emotional health, etc.
Yet, sexuality comes with a whole host of issues that many of the others do not, for example, many people experience a lot of shame, confusion, mis-information, avoidance, religious propaganda etc. when it comes to sexuality.
Sex positivity works to help overcome all of that. It’s about positive sexual health, empowered sexuality, sex without shame, sex with respect, consent, boundaries, desires, pleasures, etc.
One of the issues I run into is that many men think that because I talk about sex I must WANT it ALL of the time and FROM ANYONE.
In fact, that was what the rude question was all about. A person, who I politely declined a proposition from many many months ago, had the nerve to ask me if I were a [nympho]
(in brackets because of course he didn’t spell it correctly).
To be clear, a person can be sex positive and not want to engage in sexual activity with everyone they meet.
A person can also be sex positive and WANT to engage in sexuality activity with everyone they meet.
What Does it Mean to Be Sex Positive?
Being sex positive means that you accept and respect your own sexuality and everyone elses around you with openness, honesty, consent, communication, etc.
To do this we may have to unlearn many of the ideas and concepts that we grew up with; we may have to explore new ideas, ask questions, be curious about what could be instead of making assumptions about where we are or who other people are etc. We also have to learn how to ask better questions, how to be respectful and tactful when we talk about sexuality with those around us.
Anyhoo. Personally, I have explored many many options and am currently in the process of learning more about myself while being open to a meaningful long-term relationship with someone who actually wants more from me than just SEX. I know, hard to believe, but it’s true.
Yes, I can still be sexy, yes I can still have desires and fantasies, and get attention from people who think I’m hot, but no, I personally do not plan to bang every Todd, Dick, and Hairy that ask.
Thank you for asking, but no thank you.
If you’d like to take me on a date and get to know me (once this quarantine is all over) then you may ask me that and I will let you know one way or the other.
If you are not interested that is OKAY too, I do not need to know that you are not interested, it makes no difference to me. We all have different tastes, desires, attractions etc. you go after whatever those are to you (consensually of course).
If you continue to have questions you’re always welcome to hire me as a consultant where I will answer and advise based on my background in sex positivity.
Good day to you and to all!
Why not buy yourself a new toy and continue your sex positive exploration while helping your fellow sex positive blogger get a small % in return for making said recommendation? Cool. Discover Lelo for ultimate pleasure experiences.
You know, when I moved from Denver to rural Kansas I knew my sex life was going to take a big hit (or lack of hits, I guess haha). But I was unprepared for this sort of quarantine drama. It’s way different when you purposely abstain because you’re looking for something more meaningful or you’re tired of getting pumped and dumped or you’re seeking God or whatever, but to be single and not being able to get laid, makes a person WANT it all the more. Or maybe it’s just me. But I’ve talked to a few people and I’m pretty sure it’s not just me.
It has gotten a bit out of control, what was once a thought about sex every 25-63 seconds has now gotten up to be hover more around like 7 seconds. And the thoughts are getting weird. Pornhub searches are getting weirder (hear about them on my Patreon); the things, ideas, people I’ve considered humping when this is all over has really gone off the deep end. I even thought that Arnold Schwarzenegger looked good and I have never been into that much muscle.
In reality, I know that this time will fly by like a wink of an eye, and I understand that springtime brings with it its own extra element of procreational desires–the owls are hooting–the turkeys are gobbling–the bulls are strutting– all the wild life are running around doing it, tis the season.
So, what do you do if you’re sexually frustrated and in quarantine? What if you can’t wank off or you’ve wanked off so much you’re starting to cause physical damage? Or it’s just become so boring yet the energy hasn’t gone away? Well, you’re in luck. I’ve put together a list:
5 things to Do with Your Pent Up Sexual Energy
Sit and Don’t Think About What You’ve Done
Aka meditate. I know, at first it sounds counter-intuitive, if you’re having wild sex thoughts, craving sex, getting turned on by the craziest people, ideas, things, etc. that sitting around doing nothing about it would be the worst idea ever. But, running away from the issue isn’t going to help either. The concept is to turn into the craving, not necessarily succumb to it, but feel the feeling of it and recognize it as just that, a feeling. And like every other feeling, let it pass by like a cloud in the blue blue sky.
Move it or Lose It aka Workout
You must let that energy escape somehow. Start with a few jumping jacks, maybe some sit ups, follow-up with a couple of pushups (if your boner doesn’t get in the way). Or go for a long run. Move your body. Move it until you can’t move it anymore if you must. Sweat it out. Do it. Just do it. Oh. yeah.
Take Cold Showers Every Day
And blow my life away on a dream that won’t come true. (Anyone else a Grease fan?). This one is pretty self-explanatory. Cool off. Or turn up the heat and take care of business again. It may be one of the few places you have privacy (if you live with other people). It will at least give you something to do and ease the smell of living that one pair of gnarly sweatpants you own.
Play With It
Still sexually frustrated but also bored? There’s never been a better time to bring out your sex toys — or get yourself a new one. I have plenty of articles on the best ones out there, like The Best Sex Toys or Men, Best Sex Toys for Couples, or Best Sex Toys For Any Budget etc. Check out Lelo for some of the best high quality toys around–and change up your typical wank off routine (for women, men, couples and everyone in between).
Make it or Break It
Most importantly, the best thing to do with your pent up sexual energy is create. Your sexual center and your creativity center are interconnected so if you’re struggling in one area, give attention to the other and you might find a solution. Creating doesn’t have to be for anyone but yourself–whether you decide to write a song or a story or a poem, paint or draw, dance around the room, play music, bake bread (like everyone else seems to be doing)– cover your entire body in googly eyes and walk around the neighborhood spying on everyone– whatever you do, do it for you. It’s all about expressing a part of yourself to yourself–don’t worry what anyone else will think of it.
So there you have it. 5 ways to make it through this quarantine a little less sexually frustrated. If you have any other ideas please feel free to leave them in the comments below.
If you need help finding the perfect sex toy for you feel free to send me an email or drop me a message in Instagram.
Also, follow my Patreon for video diaries, pics you won’t see anywhere else, DMs gone wrong and so much more.
After careful consideration, I decided to move out of Denver at the end of my lease on Halloween of last year. I moved to Kansas, back to where I grew up. I have been living in my parents’ basement while searching for The House to buy. Of course, this quarantine has certainly put a damper on all of that.
And being single here was already challenging, prior to self-isolation.
Before I had even moved back here I made the decision to become voluntarily celibate, okay, celibate is a stretch, I had decided I was only going to have sex in a meaningful relationship, no more one night stands.(To find out the REAL reason behind my celibacy and why I gave up one night stands — check out my patreon page for my video diary). But I deleted all of my dating apps and only gazed at cute guys from afar when I went out, so I thought I was doing pretty good.
Anyway–that went on for several months with a few other stories mixed in there (will go into detail at some point I’m sure).
I finally started dating again just this February (see Patreon video diary NEXT week for that story… it involves Jesus, amen).
All of that leads us to right now. Here. Single during quarantine. Several of my solo friends are going mad. They need that Vitamin D. I get that. It’s important to be touched by other human beings. But we cannot be touched by other human beings right now and thus can only touch ourselves. That being said.
Here are 4 Reasons to be Grateful to be Single in times of Quarantine
Alone but Not Lonely
Okay, maybe a little lonely. But you could be lonely when you’re with someone and that’s worse. Imagine, there are people out there who are currently stuck living with an ex. Or they were about to make them an ex and then all of this happened. Or this happened and they had never thought of breaking up before but now they are getting annoyed by the sound of the other person breathing.
Your Time is Your Time
In other words, you can watch whatever the fuck you want on Netflix, whenever you want to. You can sleep whenever you want to, however you want to. You can eat all the ice cream and only you will be sad that it’s gone. What a relief!
Rediscover You in All the Different Ways
Sure, you could write a screenplay or learn Spanish but you don’t HAVE to. You could literally just sit with yourself and THAT’S OKAY. It’s a great time to reconnect with who you are at your core. You don’t always have to go go go or do do do. One reason we’re all stuck inside like this right now is that 1) there could potentially be too many of us 2) no one rests any more. So, now more than ever, discover the core of your being and be with it. Then perhaps enjoy something outside of yourself, nature, creativity, sexuality, etc.
Dating is Only A Head Game Now
It’s amazing. This quarantine is making it so you have to spend time getting to know someone via text or video chat for WAY longer than ever before. This means you get to stimulate the brains. Oh yeah, brains! What a concept– getting to know people BEFORE sleeping with them. Perhaps this is actually helping us all slow down and to set up for more meaningful relationships in our future.
For now, all we can do is go with the flow. Stay strong. Enjoy yourselves. See you on the other side (of this or you know, wherever we end up after this).
I’ve always been a rebel at heart. I like to talk about the things ‘polite people’ steer away from–sex and politics mostly. I got pretty burnt out the last few months because it felt like Go Eat a Carrot was turning into a thirst trap for the wankers of the world and that bored me.
So, I’ve decided to try to turn this around. What I’ve observed over the past year + writing this blog is this growing sense of loneliness, isolation, disconnection both from a community and from who we are at our core.
Maybe all you want is to look at my pics, wank off and go to bed. Fine. Whatever. Wank away. But for the rest of you, I know there’s more.
Recently I moved back to rural America where there are significantly less people, less noise, less well everything. But being around less has shown me that there is so much more. We have the power to stop living the same boring ass routine. We have the power to create change. Of course, that change starts within.
I’m not talking about woo-woo hippie shit here. I’m talking about action-oriented things we can all do to live better lives and get the things we most need and desire.
Regardless of your political point of view, regardless of whether you’re red or blue or white or black or you have a penis or you do not, we all want the same things.
Humanity’s Basic Needs & Desires
How all of those things looks to an individual may differ slightly but in the end that pretty much covers it.
Yet, how many of us have all of those things in our lives and what is the quality of each one?
From where I’m sitting, reading, observing, most of us are lacking, most of us are struggling.
So, I’ve decided to do something about it.
I am no hero.
You are the hero of your own story.
However woo-woo that sounds, up-leveling your quality of life starts with looking at your own bullshit, figuring out what actually matters and taking actionable steps to make what you want happen.
That doesn’t mean you have to do it all on your own though. Hence the point of this blog.
Think of me as the Ultimate Bullshit Detector
Whether you’re searching for ways to have better quality dates, get dates in the first place, maintain the romantic relationship you’re already in, find more quality friends, repair relationships with family, have better sex, have sex at all, stop having meaningless sex, get out of a toxic situation, figure out how to actually follow-through on your dreams, figure out what your dreams are to begin with, etc. etc. I am here to help guide you to your next step.
Because I’m on a similar journey too and we need each other in order to thrive.
So, check out my new Go Eat a Carrot Chat page where I will be offering No Bullshit Conversations for anyone and everyone who needs it (donation-based offerings get top priority, but I will try to converse with people regardless–time willing).
No place like Kansas? Umm… There are actually a lot of places like Kansas. . . .
Conservatives and Liberals, it’s time to take a seat
I’ve been back living in rural Kansas for the last 20-ish days having taken a 13+ year break from the sunflower state with a 3-year-stop in Chicago and decade-long stop in Colorado.
Many people, mostly people not from here (and several from my exact small town) can’t seem to fathom what has gotten into me. It seems strange, absurd, crazy to move back to an area that, to put bluntly, is dying from the inside out. A place that to an outsider, is staunchly and stubbornly conservative with no hope for redemption of any kind –spiritual, economical, physical, mental, etc.
But, I’ve always been down for a challenge. I only gamble on a sure-thing. I play to win. (You get the gist.)
I wouldn’t have moved back here if I thought it was completely hopeless.
Every time I’ve come back to visit I’ve driven through these small towns and I’ve thought, ‘Wow, what the fuck happened here?’ Downtowns deteriorating, plywood up over historic building windows, movie theaters no longer showing, restaurants no longer serving, even the bars are washed up dry in many places.
If they’re not dead, they’re dying.
I’ve often asked myself, can rural America be resuscitated?
Most economists say no.
But when have Kansans’ ever gave a fuck about what economists think?
What I’ve always loved about the people from this state is that we’re all a bunch of weirdos. We’re free-thinkers. We’re rebellious. We’re strong as fuck.
The people here have always been innovative, they’ve always been able to DIY EVERYTHING, they’ve been tough and wild and funnier than anyone really anywhere outside of here. Not only that, but they’ve been fucking kind as fuck. I mean, real thoughtful folk that will give you the shirt off their back if you ask.
Here we are.
All of us here, fucked.
Tell me you’re not.
Come on. Prove to me that everything around here is going real swell.
I’m not here to go into some sort of political rant that continues the polarization of our community. That’s useless.
I want to know if the people here can get back to those traits that are so rooted in our blood? And can these traits of strength, DIY, rebellion etc. be used to their fullest potential for positive change?
I do not care about your morality.
I care about your reality.
What is your reality?
Fuck democrat. Fuck republican.
Liberal, conservative, something in between, or outside of that– your morality could in fact be in direct conflict with your reality.
Put that bullshit aside. Take a minute and reflect on what your issues truly are.
I’m only through part one of What’s the Matter with Kansas? And though the book is like 16-years-old, not much has changed, mostly if anything, it has just gotten worse. The most vital take-away thus far is to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU COME FROM.
Take Populism as an example.
People v. The Elite
Marginalized groups v. dominant power structures
99% v. 1%
Poor v. Rich
This section of the book stuck out to me:
“This is not far from how the Populists saw their movement: as a sort of revelation, a moment when an entire generation of “Kansas fools” figured out that they’d been lied to all their lives. Whether it was Republicans or Democrats in charge, they believed, mainstream politics were a ‘sham battle’ distracting the nation from its real problem– corporate capitalism.”
Could it be that the main issues people are facing here are financial in nature? Or is everyone who lives in Kansas secretly into being financially dominated* and role-playing as pay pigs to the government and corporations and anyone else who asks for money and I just missed the memo?
Are we really going to sit around and play the part of the masochist in this brutal BDSM scene?
Just because we can handle the pain doesn’t mean we have to take it.
It’s time to change the rules of the game. It’s time to own our strengths, our weirdness, our rebellious nature. If no one else is going to do it right, it’s time we DIY.
I’m ready to work on the actual problems, the reality of the situation we are all facing. I’d love to hear your stories, your opinions, what your action-plans / thoughts are for improvement / empowerment / resuscitation are. Or, if you think I’m wrong, bring it on. I’m open to dialogue. I’m also okay with being wrong, if that means more things are right than I realized.
More to come soon on:
How political polarization has infiltrated our daily capitalistic purchases
Fucked up yet badass Kansas historical leaders and what they can teach us
The best of the best crowd commentary + clapbacks
*Financial domination is a fetish in the kink community based on power exchange where people (mostly men) enjoy having other people (mostly women) take their money (large sums of money) from them. If you are one of these people send me all of your money, I deserve it more than you. I’m at least going to do something useful with it. AKA change the world.
It will be 69 days this Thursday the 14th of November.
69 days of no sixty-nine.
69 days of no sex of any kind (except the occasional rub out and if you really want to count the time my period got triggered and blood gushed out everywhere upon penetration and we immediately stopped, but I do not want to count that or even remember it so let’s just not).
We hear the term ‘incels,’ thrown around a lot these days. An incel is someone who is involuntarily celibate as in they want to have sex but they have such shitty personalities that no one wants to have sex with them. The fact of the matter is that these people should be called involuntarily-abstinent because people who are celibate are typically choosing to abstain from sex for a higher spiritual purpose, whereas when one is abstinent they’re usually strictly avoiding sex for any or whatever reason (or for involuntary reasons aka being insecure and annoying).
So, for the last two-ish months I have been for (the most part) voluntarily celibate.
In a way you could say that I’m doing it for God… or better yet, not doing it for God. If you look at God as the interconnection of all things and I as one of the parts of those things, amen, namaste, hallelujah.
Why, I’m sure you’re wondering, did this woman who has run a sex blog for the past year+, who clearly has a super high sex drive, and pretty much gets dick (and pussy) thrown her way every day, GIVE IT ALL UP FOR GOD (god being the interconnection of all things and her self being one of those things, god=her, etc…) ????
Giving It Up Accidentally On Purpose
Well, it wasn’t just one thing and it wasn’t all entirely on purpose.
Perhaps you could say I was over-saturated with sex. And honestly, no matter how much you like something, you can certainly over-do anything.
Also, I was losing myself, in the real world and online.
As you may recall from many blogs ago, I accidentally fell in love with a sociopath. I then spent the last 10+ months going to therapy (twice a week) to overcome my terrible habit of dating terrible people. Of course, I couldn’t leave a learning opportunity unfulfilled when a sexy con-artist walked into my life RIGHT after I finally had my ‘ah-ha-moment’ of dude v. man clarity. That “relationship” lasted a month–turns out therapy is actually working and the Red Flag Dudes go out the door at a much speedier pace now.
To top it off, the final straw of it all–I fucked a republican and he ended up fucking me in ways that I am currently still not ready to go into (ways that really have nothing to do with the fact that he is a republican — only that I should have known it was going to be a piss-poor situation… pun may have been intended there).
Online wasn’t much better. I started this blog as an opportunity to express my truth. I wanted to dive into topics on politics, health, sexuality, body positivity etc. but as with any sort of capitalistic endeavor you see what gets the most hits, the most likes, and you roll with that. At some point, instead of talking about whatever was on my mind at the time I ended up shaping it to get the most traffic. But getting ‘the most traffic’ was never one of my main goals. The main goal was connection to others through self-expression.
I cannot go without speaking for a moment about the energy-exchange that occurs through social media. Our interactions online impact us in real life even if many people want to pretend that there’s some sort of barrier between the two (there is not). Though I am often writing about sex-positive topics it often felt that many men believed that I specifically wanted to have sex with them and not only did I want to, that they were entitled to have that experience with me because they took a second to DM me some ridiculous message.
Here are examples of the last few I received:
“Can I have nudes”
“I got a question”
“Are white guys allowed to fuck you too..??”
“My dick is19,cm good??”
“Hi”. . . .( 4 days later) –> “?????”
“I love porn and you?”
I understand my line of work breeds this kind of stuff but it’s still exhausting, it causes burn out just reading them, and it makes me want to throw my phone in the creek.
Find out what I’ve been up to instead of the sex in my latest video:
After the sociopath and the con-artist, and the republican, and the strangers from the internet I was feeling really quite over it all. My high sex drive did a 180 and buried itself under ground. I thought something was really wrong with me.
I went to Planned Parenthood.
Something was wrong with me.
Actually, several things were wrong with me.
I’m not going to go into details, suffice to say they were all treatable things, treatable with antibiotics and no sex.
Then my pap came back.
After that, I had a pretty standard mental freak out followed by a physical biopsy.
Another 7+ days no sex.
Not that I even wanted it.
I had started to call my vagina, ‘The Cave of Nightmares,’ because everything that followed fucking that republican was like a series of bad dreams confined to a warm dark hole deep inside of me.
All of that time away from casual sex made me realize how much I didn’t really care for it anymore. It served its purpose at the time, it was fun, it was distracting, it was always a story of sorts, but I was/am over it.
I didn’t want a Cave of Nightmares. I wanted a Secret Space of Splendor or a Hole of Holy Heaven or just like a regular functioning NORMAL vaginal area.
I got it. The biopsy came back normal. Thank the Goddess. But all of the above nonsense has helped me realign my relationship goals and my relationship with my body.
So, I have made a vow to myself.
The next person who gets the opportunity to explore my Pocket of Paradise will be someone who matters. It will be with someone that I share a deeper connection with; it will have meaning and romance and passion and green flags and magic and mystery and safety. We will create a foundation of friendship first, it will be rooted in love and the desire to propel each other into better versions of ourselves while accepting each other for the core of who we are.
Everything else is a bore.
I’d rather have no sex than boring sex (though I’d still eat bad pizza as opposed to no pizza at all).
Come this July I will have lived in Colorado for an entire decade. There are plenty of reasons why I love this state, if I didn’t love it I wouldn’t have been here for the last ten years.
Along with the spectacular mountain views and the ridiculous amount of craft beer, Colorado has come to symbolize freedom for many people who live and move here. Sure, a lot of that has to do with us being one of the first states to legalize recreational marijuana, but it’s more than that. There’s something in the arid air. There’s a DIY mentality here, or better than that, a do-what-you-want mentality.
I’m not sure if this is where I belong any longer yet I have no idea where I’d want to go.
I know that I seek nature and community and most of all, water. It’s like my soul needs to be cleansed. I need to soak in mother nature’s womb and become reborn. Because I have no idea what I’m doing, what I want to do, or really who I am in anymore.
Will submerging myself in the ocean actually help me? It’s hard to tell but it’s clear I’m not growing by staying in the same place I’ve been.
When I quit my 9 to 5 job to venture out into the world freelance, I knew it would be hard but I didn’t realize the toll it would take on my overall identity. I was amazed to find how much of my own worth I aligned with work. And when I didn’t have as much work coming in, my self-worth hit an all-time low and I made some decisions that severely impacted my will to live.
I overcame that death-wish though. But now I’m left in the process of trying to create a new me. One who knows what she wants and gets it. They say you can manifest whatever you want into being, but they don’t ever tell you how to figure out what that ‘want’ is.
I’ve always known that I wanted to be a writer. And so I have always written. Yet, as a writer you are also a collector–of stories, ideas, details. I have more often than not, tried to see the world through other people’s perspectives. I have almost always chosen the story over my own sanity or safety or even a basic good night’s sleep. It’s become clear to me that just like people choose their battles, I need to start choosing my stories. I need to start saying, ‘no thanks’ to certain shenanigans, certain people, and start choosing new ways of being instead.
That’s one of the reasons why I feel compelled to move. Patterns are much easier to repeat in a place that you have repeated them for so long. Stagnation sets in much quicker in a bedroom where you’ve spent years depressed.
Even though I have a wild imagination regarding our world and the people who live in it, sometimes I have a difficult time turning that imagination inward. So, I’m going to try it out, see how it goes, it will surely go somewhere, which is better than nowhere at all.
If you live by a large body of water and want a house guest for a few days let me know! I’m down to try new places and see if they’re a good fit.