Are You Settling in Your Romantic Relationship?

why do people settle for people they're not in love with

Why You Shouldn’t Settle This Cuffing Season

or

Overcoming Inner Pain to Find True Love

This past week I’ve had more than one stranger on the internet bring up this idea of settling in romantic relationships. I know that it’s peak cuffing season and many people are out scrambling trying to find someone to spend the cold winter with, but I have to ask the people doing this, why?

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It felt like perhaps the reason this topic kept coming up was that people are struggling with their own deep insecurities when it comes to romance. They say it out loud as a way to tell themselves not to do it because for whatever reason they are tempted to settle themselves.

Of course, it could be a passive-aggressive way for them to imply that the choices I am making could be better aka I could be going out with them, but that seems pretty egotistical of me to consider. Anyone actually doing that would be someone I would never want to date, one person, in particular, couldn’t let it go that I didn’t want to hang out with him or receive his (unasked for) help and that person quickly got himself blocked.

Yet, this idea of settling has continued to stir around in my brains.

Let’s talk for a minute about why people choose to settle.

From what I understand it stems from two main insecurities–fear and loneliness.

Fears that they will always be alone. Fears that they will never be understood. Fears that they aren’t good enough or worthy enough for true love.

People make all sorts of interesting relationship decisions to avoid loneliness. Yes, it can be painful to spend time by yourself, but if you’re experiencing pain while alone then it’s the most vital time to be alone. No one else can fill that void they are merely a distraction, a deflection and sooner or later all those gross feelings you were trying to avoid will rise again to the surface whether you’re living with or loving someone else.

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It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be alone. One must experience the wide world of emotions to truly grasp the beauty of it all. If you’ve never been alone then you’d have no idea what it’s like to be present with someone else. If you’ve never really seen yourself, you’ll never be able to see someone else, really see them– and only when you can see them can you truly love them.

So, this cuffing season, why not take a step back, reflect on who you are and what you really want. Sure, it might be nice to have someone to cuddlefuck while you watch Netflix together, but if you’re just using each other to stay warm wouldn’t it be easy to just buy a heated blanket?

Yes, doing that inner work is going to be much more difficult, but it will bring much more joy in the long run and yes, real true love too.

In other words, stop running from your dark side, embrace it and learn how to work with it instead of against it. This will at least help you become more emotionally intelligent and stop settling for people, jobs, addictions that don’t serve you in any sort of authentic or meaningful way.

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Tits Out Tuesday: Why Are We Scared of Young Adult Sexuality?

children and sexuality discussion from book review all the ugly and wonderful things

The Odd Feelings That Arise Regarding Kids and Sex

or

All the Ugly and Wonderful Things Book Review

I just finished this work of fiction called All the Ugly and Wonderful Things, it was the 2016 Book of the Year Winner and the author Bryn Greenwood was raised and still lives in Kansas, which is pretty cool since I am from there myself.

Anyhoo. In this book a 10 year-old-girl and a 22-year-old-man fall in love with each other.

The author does a pretty good job at getting a well-rounded perspective on the situation, coming from multiple character points of view, yet the entire time I felt incredibly queasy.

I kept waiting for something to happen that I didn’t think would happen, like them parting ways for example, and yet the relationship kept developing fuller, deeper, creepier.

Now, I get that in other cultures many women marry right around the time of puberty. I suppose this makes sense in at least a biological way. I mean, what defines womanhood more than the ability to have children? (I am not saying having children makes someone a woman nor am I saying only humans who have periods are women, I know there might be some outrage here about this. I’m saying the ability to create and give birth is one major defining characteristic of feminine power.) Whatever, that’s not what this is about anyway.

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What this is about is how awkward and weird it is in the United States today for anything like a tween and an adult having sex / getting married to happen.

There are laws put in place by the government that dictates the age of consent.

It’s unfortunate that they can’t instead dictate the age of emotional intelligence with regards to sexual consent because that would actually make way more sense. For example, I’m sure there are some incredibly smart / self-reflective / emotionally mature 15-year-olds who could handle a romantic relationship with someone way better than some 45-year-olds could. And yet, many people would argue that no, a 15-year-old is not fully developed and thus cannot make those kinds of decisions.

I personally think it’s all situational and cannot be defined or boxed into a sweeping generalization based on age.

Should a 10-year-old and a 22-year-old fuck?

Nah. Prob not.

But if they wait ten years then 20 and 32 isn’t as weird. The whole life-experience thing really helps with these scenarios.

One thing I do think we’re missing culturally though is the understanding that children do have a sexual nature. Sure, they are not fully developed but how many kids strip their Barbies naked and have them rub against each other? How many dry hump their stuffed animals or play “doctor” (do they still call it that?) with each other when they’re supposed to be napping?


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Should they be shamed for this exploration? Shaming seems to be a pretty typical route in America when I’m wondering if there isn’t a better way to educate them at their level on understanding this secret adult world a little bit more? Wouldn’t this help with communication in the future when they’re old enough to explore? Wouldn’t this help them perhaps NOT get into some weird sex thing with someone twice their age?

Of course, the characters in this book had a slew of other fucked up things happen to them and thus the relationships that were created were way more complicated.

I get why so many people have hang-ups about sex. Our childhoods were a big part in shaping us into the weird prudish sluts that so many of us are.

Honestly, I’m just trying to come to terms with the uneasiness I felt from this story. Has anyone else read it? Here’s a link to All the Ugly and Wonderful Things if you haven’t and you’re interested in giving it a whirl. Would love to discuss either the book or some of the above topics, feel free to leave your comments below or email me directly.

Friday Feels: How To Charm The Pants Off of Someone

how to become more charming

Learn How to Be Charming in One Easy Step

Or

Get More People to Like You

The other day I pissed my roommate off and made the entire room feel real uncomfortable because I have no filter and can be completely tactless. She introduced me to a friend who had crashed the night before, I mentioned that I had already said hello to him but didn’t bother to ask his name because it seemed like an irrelevant thing to know.

She disagreed, said it was rude.

I agreed with her disagreement, but I still feel like it’s silly to learn someone’s name before knowing anything about them. Like, is this a piece of information that I need in my brain? My brain has only so much capacity for learning new things; it’s not necessarily a one in one out type of brain, but it’s pretty close to that.

According to a study by evolutionary psychology professor Robin Dunbar our brains have the capacity to remember about 150 people’s names and faces without a prompt, he says, “there is a cognitive limit to the number of individuals with whom any one person can maintain stable relationships.”

So when I meet new people I feel like they have to have something of value to replace someone else who already made it in that top 150.

This apparently is wrong.

I’m fine with being wrong sometimes.

I spent a good part of yesterday watching youtube videos on the psychology of people. Many of the videos were about how to get people to like you, how to be charming, or how to not be boring etc.

The information wasn’t mind-blowing, but it did get me thinking.

Why do we want people to like us?

It seems like the answer is actually pretty selfish. We want people to like us so we can get stuff from them.

We want them to give us attention, buy stuff from us, entertain us, give us support, stroke our egos, date us, love us.

Why? Because negativity = pain. When people don’t care about us it makes us feel shitty and no one likes to feel shitty. Even if we don’t know the other person and shouldn’t care what they think about us, most people would prefer the ‘like’ to the ‘dislike’ but either is better than indifference.

Isn’t it better to be hated than to not be thought about at all?

I know a lot of people who know me might be thinking, ‘out of all the people in the world giving others advice on charm perhaps you’re not the best for the job.’ And to those people I’d have to say, perhaps I just didn’t care to charm you?

Being charismatic is simple. All you have to do is make people feel good about who they already are, in other words, you put your own ego aside and pay attention to them.

This is why all the advice out there tells you to remember people’s names, because people get off on hearing their name spoken out loud. It’s really on you to decide if you want to make that sort of mental investment. It’s probably not going to hurt that much and you probably have plenty of space in your hard drive to remember a multitude of names, I mean 150 is a pretty big number. Most people fail because they’re lazy and really don’t care. I am one of those people, but I’ve decided to work on it.

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If you’re still trying to get better at the whole name thing another tactic is to get them talking about stuff that they’re most passionate about. I’m not talking about where they work. I’m talking about the one thing they’re into that they won’t be able to shut up about. Everyone has at least one of those things. The more they talk, the more they will like you. It’s weird, but it works.

In the end, I’d suggest talking to someone wearing a dress or a skirt because then you won’t have to worry about charming their pants off since they aren’t actually wearing any.

Weird Sex Wednesday: How to Ask Someone to Shave Their Pubes

how to ask someone to shave their pubic hair

Is It Acceptable to Ask Someone To Shave?

Or

Body Hair, Pubes, And the Awkward Request to Remove It All

So, the other day this guy who I’ve been exploring life with starts to go down on me. I’m like, cool, awesome, great, oh, by the way, my pubic hair is a JUNGLE right now so have fun down there!

Halfway through, he stops. Starts like choke-spitting. I’m trying not to laugh, but of course, I can’t help it.

He gets up, goes to the bathroom, and basically gags himself while removing a long hair (or two or three) from the back of his throat.

It was a super sexy scene let me tell you.

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Typically I don’t shave ALL of my pubes off, usually, I keep it trim and tidy, but lately, I’ve let it go. I’ve gotten lazy. Or to be honest, I’m growing little fur friends for the winter. I think my pube-fur-friend might be a bit too wild though. So, in the next few days, I will attempt some sort of maintenance with it.

But as we all know, to each their own when it comes to what they want to do with their body hair. I want people to be able to eat me out without gagging so there’s that.

This morning I woke up to this question from a fan:

Being male and very visually stimulated ( which is why i follow your site…:)…) How is a diplomatic way I can ask my partner to shave or trim down there, so I can better see what is going on?

-Wanting to See it All

Sounds like a pretty hairy situation to me my friend.

There are a lot of politics surrounding the pubes these days. We all know that porn stars shave because they’re on camera and are attempting to give people a better view of their goods, they’re not doing it because it FEELS better. I mean, can you imagine 1. Having the hair on your entire pubic region covered in wax and then ripped off? 2. Having sex with your now sensitive exposed skin grinding over and over, rubbing, chafing against someone else’s newly exposed hairless skin? They do it because THEY GET PAID.

We all do it because we watch too much porn.

Now, I’m not saying any of us should watch less porn. I’m sure SOME of us should but that’s a different post for a different day.

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With regards to asking your partner to shave because it visually stimulates you and makes you excited, I’m thinking you could go with that?

“I enjoy your body just the way it is, but a trimmed up vulva-region really gets me excited. I’d love to be able to see more of you. I’m wondering if we could give it a try?”

I’d suggest offering something in exchange as well. For example, you can shave each other. Or if there’s something she’d like you to do that you haven’t done, perhaps finally offer that up. That could be anything from letting her stick a finger up your butt to finally remodeling the bathroom like you said you would years ago. Whatever, you get the idea.

We have to keep in mind that there is a multitude of reasons why people choose to keep their pubes. It could be political. It could be out of laziness. It could be because they like the way it feels more. It could be they’re lonely and want a little fur pet. They might be afraid of razors or wax or lasers. They might not like walking around naked with child-like body hair. Perhaps they’re trying to grow it out to donate it to Locks of Love?

So, yeah, in the end, if you’d like your partner to shave, just ask them politely, offer to help, offer something in return. Then respect whichever choice they make since it’s their body and they’re allowing you access to it when they don’t really have to.

(Of course if you REALLY hate pubes, you don’t have to access the pubed-body anymore and you could surely go out and date someone else, but I think that’s a bit extreme. It’s just hair after all).

Tits Out Tuesday: When a Woman Tells Another Woman She’s Just Friends with a Guy

what does just friends really mean

Can Guys and Girls Just Be Friends?

or

Decoding Girl-to-Girl Talk

Over the weekend I hung out with this guy who’s pretty cute. One I had met on Tinder many months ago and then finally decided to give a second chance. No, he was not the guy who recently ripped my heart out, but a guy who I had gone on a few dates with, who claimed to be into me and then ghosted me for two weeks only to tell me out the blue that he had decided to get back with his ex.

As you can imagine, it didn’t work out with him and his ex.

Let me know if it has EVER worked out when you’ve gotten back with your ex and I will retract my statement that it never does.

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Anyhoo, I figured I’d give him a second chance since I gave the rip-out-my-heart guy one and he did much worse things like hitting on my friends while I was in the other room or right beside him in his truck etc. etc.

New/old guy and I were at a show at Cervantes (the first time I had ever been to Cervantes and I must say it’s a pretty nice venue). New/old guy happens to know just about everyone in this city, I suppose being a native helps and also he’s like way more extroverted than I will ever be.

We’re standing in the middle of the crowd near the stage when this woman walks up and says hello.

She pulls me aside and says, “I don’t know how long you’ve known X but I just wanted to tell you we’re just friends.”

I raise an eyebrow, laugh, “Okay.”

She scurries away.

I look at new/old guy like wtf?

We both shrug.

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I tell him about it later because here’s the deal. No woman ever says that they’re “just friends,” with a guy unless they:

  1. Fucked them once and it didn’t work out how they wanted it to.
  2. They want to fuck them and they just haven’t done it yet.

It’s a weird thing to tell another woman. If you’re friends with someone you typically do not need to clarify that because by walking up to said person and saying “hello,” you’re acknowledging that you at least know each other and thus are probably friends or why else bother going up to the person (particularly in a crowded venue during the middle of a concert).

Perhaps it was her intention that I mention it to him? Perhaps she wanted me to put it in his brain that they COULD BE MORE?

Okay, grrrl.

If you want to be more than ‘just friends’ make a move that’s a little less passive-aggressive? If you want to plant the seed in a guy’s brain/penis I’d suggest talking directly to them. Maybe MAYBE try flirting in real life.

I don’t know, I could be wrong here, but grrrl I’m telling you if you want to move away from ‘just friends’ to something more (particularly now that you notice he’s with another woman) I’d say go for it before it’s too late. You never know when he’ll decide to get back with his ex again.

Friday Feels: Thoughts on the Satanic Witch

witchcraft and seduction

The Forbidden Knowledge of Seduction

or

Wait, Wait, I’m About to Enchant You

I’ve consumed many inspirational, transformational, self-help, dating advice books over the years. I’ve worked in the mindful industry for a decade now, so I’ve seen and heard it all. Or at least a great deal of it.

So when the guy I am no longer (nor ever technically was) seeing gave me this book to read I was like, alright, okay, I’ll give it a whirl.

If I had read this a year ago I would have been mortified. It was full of gender stereotyping that many women these days would find highly offensive. I’ve given up on being offended by this sort of thing. Instead, I tried to see it from the author’s perspective. I imagined for a second if he was right. I may have even attempted a thing or two in the book — don’t worry boys I did not become a succubus… yet.

Buy the book: The Satanic Witch

Would I consider myself a satanic witch now? No. Nah. One does not become a satanic witch just by reading one book about it. If we became the things we’ve read about then I’d also be a tree and an alien monster living on a planet far far away from here.

I did like the historical elements. For example, there was some detailed information about the gingerbread man that I had no idea about. In this video I read the excerpt from the book:

I also found the idea of being attracted to your core demon self to be fascinating. For example, if you’re a super masculine manly man on the outside, your demonic core is super feminine, and can often only come out in the form of another person–hence why opposites attract.

Maybe I have so much trouble with men because I’m so perfectly balanced. Muhahah. Cackle cackle cackle.

If you’re lucky I’ll put a spell on you too.

Depression and Why I Show My Boobs

woman crying depressed

I feel empty. I feel like I’m suffocating. I don’t know if I’m going to make it through this time. I’ve been depressed for so long it’s like a continual numbness. I’m tired.

I’ve become more distant from my close friends. Sometimes it feels like they don’t understand why I’m doing this. They think I’m doing something wrong by talking about sex and showing my boobs or whatever. Most people don’t like that I’m showing my boobs.

Well ‘most people’, they’re my boobs and I can show them if I want.

I don’t have to justify it, but here are some justifications anyway.

People are too uptight about the naked body and I’m rebelling against that.

It like to do it.

Other people enjoy looking at my boobs so why should I always keep them covered if I can give people who want to see them pleasure? Of course, this is America and we live in a capitalistic society so I’m not just going to give them away for free. I have to pay rent, people.

Speaking of rent. This is where I’m most upset with myself. I’m actually a really hard worker. I spent the past year writing a book and a satirical self-help video series and developing this blog while doing freelance marketing. The freelance has run dry and the other things are still incubating from an income-perspective. I have applied to jobs but my heart isn’t it in. My heart is here in these creative projects.

That’s the original reason why I started the Patreon account. It turns out that people only really care about seeing my boobs, which in a way is easier but not really because it would be nice if people wanted to see my boobs AND support my creative endeavors but I suppose we can’t always get everything we want huh?

Sidenote.

I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me on Instagram while I was writing this. I realize that we’re all a mess to some degree or another and you all are brave for getting up and getting out there. I really respect your strength and wish I had a bit more of it. Of course, tomorrow is another day and perhaps I’ll be a go-getting show-stopping money magnet then.

And I’ll be able to lift others who are feeling down. We’re like one big team here on planet Earth. Or maybe the suffocation will continue. Who knows?!

Feel free to check out my patreon for the boobs or whatever.

Friday Feels: My Sweet Sweet Revenge

ways to revenge your ex

Because Sometimes Getting Back is the Only Way to Go Forward

or

Yes, It Does Taste Sweet Indeed

I’ve always been a big fan of revenge. I know a lot of people believe in the art of letting things go, forgiving, moving on, but fuck that. Revenge is way more fun. Of course, I could seek revenge Game of Thrones style, incorporate a bit of poison into some wine or just blow up my entire city, but that may be a bit extreme considering the person who wronged me isn’t really work going to prison over.

I came up with a list of things I’m going to do instead as my way of saying “fuck you, buddy.” I think it’s pretty well-rounded. Feel free to take a look for yourselves below.

Happy Rabbit

7 Ways I’m Getting Revenge

1.
Finally Finish Writing My Book

It’s been a long time coming; I’ve worked on this book for over a year. I finished the first draft months ago but couldn’t get myself to go back and edit it. Now, I have a second wind and angry wind thus it’s second draft time. Get ready world it’s going to be a good one.

2.
Continue Growing My Website and Patreon
Nothing says revenge like sweet sweet success. So, I’m buckling down and getting to it harder than ever before (perhaps you’ll be getting harder than ever before too…).
3.
Grow My Big Thick Ass
Something about having a big thick ass that none of my exes can ever touch again makes me feel accomplished. Sure, I grew it myself, but it does take work to continue said growth and to keep it looking round and plump and oh so irresistible.

4.
Leave the House Hot Hot Hot
It’s Denver and it’s pretty impossible to go anywhere without running into someone. There’s a pretty high percentage that that someone could be someone I’ve fucked before, maybe even the guy I most recently fucked. So, when I leave my house I want to make sure my big thick ass is looking as fine as hell.

5.

Post Instagram Pics That Will Devastate Him
Sure, it’s petty but baby doesn’t care. Baby wants the even bigger baby to cry.

6.

Cackle
This bitch loves a good cackle.

7.
Date Someone Better
This shouldn’t be too hard considering.

So there you have it. That’s my whole list. If you think there’s anything I should add feel free to leave your suggestions int he comments below.

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Weird Sex Wednesday: When He’s a Coldhearted Snake

anger and boundaries

Love, Anger, Boundaries

or

Learning to Let Go, Learning to Draw the Line

This morning I woke up with this Paula Abdul song stuck in my head:

“He’s a coldhearted snake lookin into his eyes
Oh, oh he’s been telling lies
He’s a lover boy at play
He don’t play by the rules oh, oh, oh
Girl don’t play the fool now”

Why did I wake up with this song in my head? Probably because my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something. It’s basically the most fitting song in the world for my current situation. My situation being that the guy I had been seeing prefers to play the villain than behave like an actual man. It’s unfortunate because I thought he was more interesting than that, but I should have known he was a snake when I picked him up.

Here’s something that I learned though.

This morning I read this post that said:

“Your anger is a sign that someone has crossed a boundary. Your anger will subside as soon as the space between the two of you is correct and appropriate again.”

Dudes, I was PISSED. Like, I was so mad I actually yelled and I never yell. (I mean, sometimes I talk really loudly when I’m drunk but that’s just because all my other friends talk really loudly and I am just trying to be heard.) Anyway. I could feel my blood boil. I could feel that feeling where you just want to scream and punch stuff and maybe stab a guy in the neck. Ha.

The anger came because he crossed my boundaries. I let him in too quickly. I let him get closer than I should have and he had done nothing to earn it. I gave him full access when I should not have.

It’s important to remember that not everyone gets to have full access. That people will continue to show you who they are. People also tell you who they are. How many times have you hung out with someone who says, “I’m an asshole!” And how do they always end up being? They end up being an asshole. This guy said he was Satan. So, there we go.

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Each one of us has the power to allow people in or not, and to whatever degree if we do. It’s okay to be angry. The anger is telling you something. It’s telling you to act. To fix it. To draw a new line. After this, the anger will most likely reside because the person no longer is allowed to behave that way in your presence (or perhaps the new boundary is your new lack of presence in their life).

All in all, you get to decide whether or not you want to play with snakes or would rather have them slither up to someone else.

For me, well, I’ve never really been a snake person.

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday: Can A Relationship Be Repaired When Trust is Broken?

overcoming a betrayal in a relationship

Lies, Manipulation, and Love Built to Die

Or

There’s Good Reason Why So Many Of Us Have Built a Wall Around Ourselves

Recently I had my heart ripped out of my chest again. My best friend has told me on countless occasions that I trust people too easily. I know she is right, but I also have never been able to overcome this trait I have. Regardless of whether I’m making a new friend or developing a new romantic relationship, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I trust them until they prove to otherwise be untrustworthy. This is not uncommon behavior, most of us do this. Why wouldn’t we do this? There has to be some faith in both the self and the other that the bonds that are being built are being built on solid honest ground.

And yet, it’s so interesting how quickly a good relationship can turn bad when that trust we hand over so easily shatters.

The question is, can it be repaired?

Of course, it can, we even can see examples in mainstream media every day, see Beyonce and Jay-Z, Hillary and Bill, etc.

The deeper question comes down to whether or not both parties involved really want to repair it.

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When someone does something hurtful to someone else the person being hurt has to understand that this is not a reflection of who they are, but a question of who the other person doing the hurting is.

How good was the relationship prior to this pain? Are both of you willing to do the work to overcome it?

Of course, I can’t help but feel duped, humiliated, made to look stupid. The thought of going through those feelings again is enough to make me run far far away and never look back. It’s not that I can’t forgive him for his terrible behavior–I can. I’m questioning whether I can trust myself to give him another chance and risk going through all of those emotions again. I’m not a big fan of those emotions, who is? I think of what my friends would do, would say to me. I think of what I’d say to my friends if something similar happened to them and I know I’d tell them to tell the guy to “fuck off,” (which I actually did do, quite loudly at 5 am in the morning but that’s a digression).

I think of the future. I think, what if I forgive this guy and he does it again? Not only would I be mad at myself but I’d be embarrassed, ashamed for being so easily manipulated.

I don’t understand liars. I’ve always been way too honest, to a fault even. My lack of a filter has gotten me in trouble many many times, yet I prefer it to living any other way. Sometimes I forget how other people don’t do this. How other people so often lie to get what they want.

That’s the other thing that confuses me. Why lie to get what you want? And what benefit does it serve to lie to the person you like romantically? If you’re so comfortable with that that you’re no longer interested in being with them, why not just break it off? If you’re so bored that you want to be with someone else after a month why not just say “girl, bye?” If you want to do whatever you want and get away with it, why be in a relationship at all?

The thing is you can’t do whatever you want when you’re in relationships with other people. Not if you care about them anyway. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the thing you don’t really want to do, whether it’s going to their company’s BBQ even though you hate all their coworkers, making breakfast even though you’re both dying of a hangover, or you know, not hitting on their roommate even if the roommate is so damn cool and fine. It’s called basic human decency. Relationships require that as a bare minimum.

So yeah, here I am, in kind of a conundrum.

There were so many good things happening and I miss that, I miss him, I miss us. Yet, I can’t be with a liar. I can’t be with someone who does whatever he wants with no regard for the other person. If he can prove that that is not who he is at his core (or his surface even). If he could actually do the work, show real remorse and take positive action to repair all this then maybe.

Yet, then again, maybe I’m too easy and need to learn how to be a bit “more hard”.