Is Your Carrot a 10 out of 10? Find Out!

Donate & Get Your Carrot Rated

Aka Play the Carrot Challenge

Have you ever wanted someone to take a good look at your carrot and tell you the truth about what they’re seeing? Do you have a weird looking carrot hanging out in the back of your fridge right now? Are you bored? Feel like getting creative? Why not draw or paint a festive carrot and get it rated by a professional?

That’s right, for a limited time only, I, the Carrot Expert, am offering Carrot Ratings to any and all people who make a Donation to the Carrot Fund.

The Carrot Fund not only helps yours truly, but I will donate HALF of all the proceeds to artists, musicians, and service industry people who are now in super struggle mode due to our current world crisis.

That’s right. You send me a donation and a pic or video of your best carrot and I send you back your Carrot Rating—which is based on 10 specific criteria (see rules below).

Going cross-eyed by the girth of this carrot, baby.

So, you want to play the carrot game?

Here are the Carrot Rating Rules

Step 1: Make a Donation

50% of Proceeds will go to Artist, Musicians, Service Industry people /anyone out of work / struggling thru this quarantine.

Send Donations to:

  • Venmo: @Krystal-Fawn
  • Cashapp: $KrystalFawn

Put CARROT FUND + IG name (or email) in Comments

Step 2: Tell Me About It

Send me a message letting me know that you’ve sent the donation.

IG: goeatabiggercarrot

email: goeatacarrot@gmail.com

Once I confirm the donation has been made then I will give you the go ahead to send me over your favorite Carrot pics or video.

This can be the carrot in your pants, in your fridge, salad, on a painting, drawing, tattoo etc.  feel free to get creative (you’ll even get a point for that!)

I’ll take a good look and judge your Carrot according to my Carrot Rating System

You’ll get 1 point (or 0 points) for each of these ten categories:  

  1. Size
  2. Shape
  3. Color
  4. Creativity
  5. Grace
  6. Sense of Humor
  7. Mood
  8. Energy
  9. Hardiness
  10. Donation Amount

The best your carrot can score is a 10/10. Bonus to anyone who makes a SIZEABLE donation, I will add personal commentary about your carrot to the rating sheet. You’ll receive your Carrot Rating within 48 hours (depending on demand I will try my hardest to have them back to you within the same evening). 

Ready to play?

Show me what you got!

Send me those donations (I’m thinking anywhere between $10 and $100 but if you want to go bigger that’s always better IMO)…

Venmo @Krystal-Fawn

CashApp $KrystalFawn

Show me your best carrot (the more creative the better!)!!!
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Do We Really Want To Go Back to Normal?

Perhaps it’s time to envision a new way of being.

It’s pretty clear that the corona virus is changing the way that we exist on this planet. None of us having any idea how it is all going to unfold. Will medical professionals find a way to contain Covid-19? Even so, what happens when another virus pops up in its place? Is the economy going to tank? Will millions of lives be sacrificed to save it?

These are all things we’re about to find out.

While all of this is going down and we’re all quarantined in our selected locations, many of us jobless, many of us feeling very much non-essential right now, I encourage everyone to take an hour or however long and dive into your dreams. I’m not talking about the stories that play out in your subconscious when you’re asleep. I’m talking about what you dream about for your life.

If you could somehow reinvent how the world works, what would it look like?

Using your wildest imagination as we can only imagine as much as we know, what could humanity actually be?

Is it possible to live in a society that values people over profits?

What would a world without money look like?

Could a world exist where we valued giving, sharing, trading, more so than the dollar?

Is it possible to have gifts, to be creative, to encompass amazing personality characteristics without them being comodified? Without having to turn everything into a product or a brand?

What could a world without money do?

Our planet, our people need healed.

How does that work?

When someone gets sick should they get access to health care like any other person who gets sick?

When anyone rich or poor can catch viruses that kill, that can kill hundreds, thousands, millions of other people, shouldn’t we have systems in place to handle said situations?

Are you really THAT comfortable that you want to go back to how things were?

Was your life really THAT great? What deep down did you want out of life?

You say you just want a decent job and loving family… well WHY do you want a job? Is it for money? So you can provide for your loving family? Is it so you can buy all the things that you need to survive?

What if you already had all of those things?

Would you want a job so you felt like you had a ‘purpose’?

Why do you feel like you need a purpose to live?

And could you work, could you do the things that you loved doing, things that gave you ‘purpose’ if that’s what you truly needed without it being connected to income? Could you work on a farm or on a painting or mowing your neighbor’s lawn just because you enjoy the work and because it helps connect you to other people?

How attached are we to money that we need to go back to normal?

What if instead we created a new normal? A better normal? A normal where everyone thrived?

What would that look like to you?

Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone to get there?

If you’re not willing are you at least ready?

If life will never go back to normal then we need to start imagining a new world that aligns with what we want not what people with all the money think we need.

In the meantime, if you’re all alone might as well go F yourself. Here’s a coupon. XOXO

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Is Either Political Party Worth Fighting For?

Political polarization and our inability to move forward

I’ve been reading The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts. My brain is exploding with each sentence. He’s dropping ideas that I’ve definitely thought about but never quite in the way he’s talking about them. Like, for example, in explaining God– God is trying to look at your own eye balls with your eyeballs without a mirror (not a direct quote, but I’ve been working through that one for a few days now.)  

Anyhoo. While reading the chapter called: ‘The Game of Black-and-White,’ Watts writes: 

“But the mistake in the beginning was to think of solids and space as two different things, instead of as two aspects of the same thing. The point is that they are different but inseparable, like the front end and rear end of a cat. Cut them apart, and the cat dies.” 

My immediate reaction to this was not about his actual argument, which is that we are all connected to the universe the way our lungs are connected to our body or limbs are connected to a tree etc. No, my first response was, ‘is this how we can finally end our polarized political system?’ 

If we replace ‘solids and space’ with ‘liberals and conservatives’ or ‘Democrats and Republicans,” then it goes to show, that like ‘lightness & darkness, ‘matter and space,’ ‘good and evil’ you can not understand one without the existence of the other. 

But in the case of the U.S. political system– do we need to? 

Is either side REALLY worth fighting for or could we potentially cut the tail from the head and let the cat die? 

It’s like it’s own microscopic circus and we’re all audience members cheering them on, but it’s just cheap entertainment. No substance. No actual policy changes. No real help to the people who need it. So, why have it at all? 

Why not let it die and try something different instead? 

Or we can continue to let the snake eat its own tail in this forever going cycle of nothing. Whichever.

No Bullshit Chat Now Available

It’s Time We All Get It Together

I’ve always been a rebel at heart. I like to talk about the things ‘polite people’ steer away from–sex and politics mostly. I got pretty burnt out the last few months because it felt like Go Eat a Carrot was turning into a thirst trap for the wankers of the world and that bored me.

So, I’ve decided to try to turn this around. What I’ve observed over the past year + writing this blog is this growing sense of loneliness, isolation, disconnection both from a community and from who we are at our core.

Maybe all you want is to look at my pics, wank off and go to bed. Fine. Whatever. Wank away. But for the rest of you, I know there’s more.

Recently I moved back to rural America where there are significantly less people, less noise, less well everything. But being around less has shown me that there is so much more. We have the power to stop living the same boring ass routine. We have the power to create change. Of course, that change starts within.

I’m not talking about woo-woo hippie shit here. I’m talking about action-oriented things we can all do to live better lives and get the things we most need and desire.

Regardless of your political point of view, regardless of whether you’re red or blue or white or black or you have a penis or you do not, we all want the same things.

Humanity’s Basic Needs & Desires

  • Security
  • Love
  • Connection
  • Variety
  • Growth
  • Meaning

How all of those things looks to an individual may differ slightly but in the end that pretty much covers it.

Yet, how many of us have all of those things in our lives and what is the quality of each one?

From where I’m sitting, reading, observing, most of us are lacking, most of us are struggling.

So, I’ve decided to do something about it.

I am no hero.

You are.

You are the hero of your own story.

However woo-woo that sounds, up-leveling your quality of life starts with looking at your own bullshit, figuring out what actually matters and taking actionable steps to make what you want happen.

That doesn’t mean you have to do it all on your own though. Hence the point of this blog.

Think of me as the Ultimate Bullshit Detector

Whether you’re searching for ways to have better quality dates, get dates in the first place, maintain the romantic relationship you’re already in, find more quality friends, repair relationships with family, have better sex, have sex at all, stop having meaningless sex, get out of a toxic situation, figure out how to actually follow-through on your dreams, figure out what your dreams are to begin with, etc. etc. I am here to help guide you to your next step.

Because I’m on a similar journey too and we need each other in order to thrive.

So, check out my new Go Eat a Carrot Chat page where I will be offering No Bullshit Conversations for anyone and everyone who needs it (donation-based offerings get top priority, but I will try to converse with people regardless–time willing).

Let’s become better, together.

But, no, really, what is the matter with Kansas? Part 1

No place like Kansas? Umm… There are actually a lot of places like Kansas. . . .

Conservatives and Liberals, it’s time to take a seat

I’ve been back living in rural Kansas for the last 20-ish days having taken a 13+ year break from the sunflower state with a 3-year-stop in Chicago and decade-long stop in Colorado.

Many people, mostly people not from here (and several from my exact small town) can’t seem to fathom what has gotten into me. It seems strange, absurd, crazy to move back to an area that, to put bluntly, is dying from the inside out. A place that to an outsider, is staunchly and stubbornly conservative with no hope for redemption of any kind –spiritual, economical, physical, mental, etc.

But, I’ve always been down for a challenge. I only gamble on a sure-thing. I play to win. (You get the gist.)

I wouldn’t have moved back here if I thought it was completely hopeless.

Every time I’ve come back to visit I’ve driven through these small towns and I’ve thought, ‘Wow, what the fuck happened here?’ Downtowns deteriorating, plywood up over historic building windows, movie theaters no longer showing, restaurants no longer serving, even the bars are washed up dry in many places.

If they’re not dead, they’re dying.

I’ve often asked myself, can rural America be resuscitated?

Most economists say no.

But when have Kansans’ ever gave a fuck about what economists think?

What I’ve always loved about the people from this state is that we’re all a bunch of weirdos. We’re free-thinkers. We’re rebellious. We’re strong as fuck.

The people here have always been innovative, they’ve always been able to DIY EVERYTHING, they’ve been tough and wild and funnier than anyone really anywhere outside of here. Not only that, but they’ve been fucking kind as fuck. I mean, real thoughtful folk that will give you the shirt off their back if you ask.

And yet.

Here we are.

All of us here, fucked.

Tell me you’re not.

Come on. Prove to me that everything around here is going real swell.

I’m not here to go into some sort of political rant that continues the polarization of our community. That’s useless.

I want to know if the people here can get back to those traits that are so rooted in our blood? And can these traits of strength, DIY, rebellion etc. be used to their fullest potential for positive change?

I do not care about your morality.

I care about your reality.

What is your reality?

Fuck democrat. Fuck republican.

Liberal, conservative, something in between, or outside of that– your morality could in fact be in direct conflict with your reality.

Put that bullshit aside. Take a minute and reflect on what your issues truly are.

I’m only through part one of What’s the Matter with Kansas? And though the book is like 16-years-old, not much has changed, mostly if anything, it has just gotten worse. The most vital take-away thus far is to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU COME FROM.

Take Populism as an example.

  • People v. The Elite
  • Marginalized groups v. dominant power structures
  • 99% v. 1%
  • Poor v. Rich

This section of the book stuck out to me:

“This is not far from how the Populists saw their movement: as a sort of revelation, a moment when an entire generation of “Kansas fools” figured out that they’d been lied to all their lives. Whether it was Republicans or Democrats in charge, they believed, mainstream politics were a ‘sham battle’ distracting the nation from its real problem– corporate capitalism.”

Could it be that the main issues people are facing here are financial in nature? Or is everyone who lives in Kansas secretly into being financially dominated* and role-playing as pay pigs to the government and corporations and anyone else who asks for money and I just missed the memo?

Are we really going to sit around and play the part of the masochist in this brutal BDSM scene?

Just because we can handle the pain doesn’t mean we have to take it.

It’s time to change the rules of the game. It’s time to own our strengths, our weirdness, our rebellious nature. If no one else is going to do it right, it’s time we DIY.

I’m ready to work on the actual problems, the reality of the situation we are all facing. I’d love to hear your stories, your opinions, what your action-plans / thoughts are for improvement / empowerment / resuscitation are. Or, if you think I’m wrong, bring it on. I’m open to dialogue. I’m also okay with being wrong, if that means more things are right than I realized.

More to come soon on:

  • How political polarization has infiltrated our daily capitalistic purchases
  • Fucked up yet badass Kansas historical leaders and what they can teach us
  • The best of the best crowd commentary + clapbacks

*Financial domination is a fetish in the kink community based on power exchange where people (mostly men) enjoy having other people (mostly women) take their money (large sums of money) from them. If you are one of these people send me all of your money, I deserve it more than you. I’m at least going to do something useful with it. AKA change the world.

Here’s the link if you too want to read What’s the Matter with Kansas?: How Conservatives Won the Heart of America

Go Eat A Carrot: Year in Review

go eat a carrot

Happy One Year Anniversary to Go Eat A Carrot

Almost exactly a year ago, on Easter Sunday to be exact, Go Eat A Carrot was born. I had gone on this fabulous rom-com date with a pretty decent dude, where he bought me a very large carrot as a Sin Day Sunday gift.

Later that night I had eaten an edible and instead of putting me to sleep it put me in this weird manic-y state of mind where I stayed up through the evening and came to the conclusion that I needed to start a blog. A blog about the truth, and sex and love and politics and food, but mostly about the truth and mostly about the sex truth. A blog where I told people to “go eat a carrot,” which of course is a triple entendre– my favorite kind of entendre.

It’s been a real fucking crazy year. It has been probably the craziest year of my life. I’m happy to still be alive (most of the time). It’s unclear at this point what’s going to happen with this blog. I said I’d write it for a year and I did. There were times I veered away from the truth because my audience was more concerned with the sex. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get back to the root of what this was–which was a way for me to express the bullshit and the beauty going on in my life and to connect with people over topics that we all enjoy exploring.

Anyway, it’s pretty interesting to realize that Easter comes from the Ishtar, the Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of fertility and sex. No wonder I had the idea for a sex blog on Easter. It’s my way of celebrating life. I create these little babies for you all, blog babies.

It’s been a struggle and a learning curve. I’ve had quite a time in this puritanical land talking about sex, even if I’m doing it from a sex positive perspective, on social media sites. I’ve also dealt with A LOT of really dumb DM messages, yet at the same time I’ve talked to some really amazing new people and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

Here are some stats and some learnings from the first year of Go Eat a Carrot and some stats from my sex life during that time.

Go Eat A Carrot 2018-2019 Details:

  • Blogs: 79
  • Videos: 113
  • Pics: A billion
  • Instagram Followers: 3,393
  • Instagram Accounts Deleted: 2 (after 3K+ followers, rebuilt entire page, added a private page, which got deleted too.)
  • Instagram Accounts Still In Tact: 3
  • Subscribers on Youtube: 494
  • Strikes on Youtube: 2
  • Top Video: Hot Burning Man Sex (42.8K views)
  • Patreon Posts: 581 (deleted several after strike)
  • Strikes on Patreon: 1
  • Peak Patreon Patrons: 15
  • Current Patreon Patrons: 6

Sex/Dating Life Since:

  • One (to 2) night stands: 11
  • Friends with benefits: 5
  • Playthings: 3
  • Boyfriends/lovers: 1
  • Sociopaths: 1

Sex Highlights:

The night the Nun made a sex tape, the former-NBA player experience, the men capable of giving me multiple orgasms–thank you. Financial domination, monster porn, tentacle porn. Quick mental connections that end in friendships that actually last. Old friends returning to the story. Figuring out my patterns and ending them.

Sex Lowlights: The men who couldn’t, wouldn’t get me off. Dog porn. The toy with the app that failed to work. The guy who didn’t share his food the next morning, fuck that guy. The manboys who went back with their exes (yes, there were more than one). The Sociopath, enough said.

Happy Rabbit

The Hard (and soft) Lessons I’ve Learned:

Yes, I fell in love with a sociopath. I don’t talk about it much, mostly because it’s clear this guy is still stalking me and I don’t really want to add more fuel to the fire, but it was quite an ordeal that I’m still working through. For months I was furious. Not only angry at him but angry at myself.

The thing is, I’m working on forgiveness. Not because that’s what Jesus would do, but because it’s the only way I am going to be able to move on with my life. I can’t be mad at a monster for acting like a monster. I can’t be mad at myself for falling for a monster, because the truth of the matter there’s a little bit of monster in all of us.

Yes, I was drawn to the danger, the mystery, the excitement. Yes, I enjoyed the drama… until it went too far. I learned so much about myself from the experience though. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I would rather be alive than walk around dead all the time. I learned what I definitely do not want in my relationships and I learned how to run away from red flags the moment they start waving their redness in front of me.

I also have learned what I do want. Stability, strength, simplicity. A balance of masculinity and femininity. Honesty. Truth. Fragility. Vulnerability. I want to be held with kindness, care, concern. I want to receive as much as I give– and I am quite a giver.

I’m not playing games anymore. Save the drama for your mama or anyone else that isn’t me because, nah. I’m done with that bullshit.

If people can’t handle it, if they can’t handle me, or they don’t want to put in the work, then guess what? They can just go eat a carrot.

That whole thing has been really fucking hard. It ripped me apart. It dragged me under and I started to drown. Everything else this past year has been minuscule in comparison; the men who left me for their exes, the ghosts, the guy with the girlfriend, the one nights stands that left me bored and unsatisfied, the time-wasters and super-pervs– nothing has come close to that pain and that torment. It’s my goal to make sure it never does again. Mindfuck me once, that’s all I need to never get mindfucked again.

Sure, I danced with the devil, but I knew he was the devil the entire time. The thing is, he wasn’t that good of a dancer and so I’ll just keep dancing on my own. No one can step on my feet that way.

Thanks for all the support for this past year–whether you’re a regular reader, a friend, a regular friend reader, I have appreciated you being there.

If you’d like to show your support for Go Eat A Carrot financially–which would be quite helpful indeed, become a Patron on Patreon, buy me something from my Amazon Wishlist, or buy yourself something nice from one of my affiliate sites:

Tantus

We-Vibe

Lelo

Woo for Play

Thanks again! Don’t forget to eat your carrots. Nom Nom Nom.

What is the Root Cause of Cheating?

why people cheat

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater, Not Exactly.

Cheating–it’s a touchy subject, but a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time. Admittedly, I have cheated, been cheated on, and been the person who someone has cheated on someone else with. Does this mean that I live in a valueless world full of people who have no morals? Maybe. Though, not exactly.

Are only people who have no values the ones who cheat? No. Plenty of mostly morally-okay people have been known to dip in where they don’t belong.

Is cheating just a whim brought on by desire to fulfill sexual needs? Seems much more rare than mainstream movies would have you believe.

Of course, there are a plethora of reasons why a person cheats. They could do it because they’re bored. They could do it because they’re lonely within a stagnant relationship. They could do it because they’re a sociopath who cares not about the damage they’re creating. They could do it because they’re selfish or stupid or because they think they can get away with it.

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But what seems to be at the root of many cheating scenarios is a flirtation with freedom, a renegotiation of self, a statement that says, ‘no one owns me,’ or ‘see, I can still do what I want.’ In a way, it’s the creation of an ‘out.’

If I do this terrible thing then I can get out of this relationship at any time. All I’d have to do is come clean.

This “secret” is more of a key that will unlock the door to the possibility of no longer being in the relationship they’re in.   

Why do people do this?

Fear. Insecurity. Not fully trusting themselves. Not investing 100% in another because they think deep down that they could never truly be loved. Causing pain before the other person can cause it first. An upper hand. A backup plan.

In other words, self-sabotage.

We see it often in relationships where one person is too clingy; we see it in relationships where one person is too distant. And honestly, that line is a fine one. Every person has their own level of need, space, attachment. Can we blame it on that, no. But, we’re talking about root causes of human behavior, we’re not talking about whether it’s a good or bad choice.   

Yet, just because a person cheats on another person does not mean they do not love the person they’re in a relationship with. This culture puts almost too-much weight on fidelity–hence why people use it as an out.

As anyone who has used Tinder can attest, it is possible to have sex without attachment.

Vice versa to that, it’s possible to have attachment without sex.

And even going further, it’s possible to be in love with someone you have sex with and also have sex with people you’re not in love with.

The core of the issue is not about sex. It’s the value-systems in place. Can I trust this person? Will this person abandon me? Can I rely on this person to be there for me to help when I need it, to celebrate my wins? Etc.

So cheating, in essence, is more a violation of these values. Is there a way to hold those values and have sex with other people? Certainly.


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I’ll explore more of the topic of cheating to come. It’s a complicated one, full of twists and turns.

Join my Patreon for exclusives AND stay tuned for a Freaky Fan Friday cheater confession that you’ll only see there!

I’m Moving, Maybe

moving out of denver

On Finding My Place

Moving Out of Denver

Come this July I will have lived in Colorado for an entire decade. There are plenty of reasons why I love this state, if I didn’t love it I wouldn’t have been here for the last ten years.

Along with the spectacular mountain views and the ridiculous amount of craft beer, Colorado has come to symbolize freedom for many people who live and move here. Sure, a lot of that has to do with us being one of the first states to legalize recreational marijuana, but it’s more than that. There’s something in the arid air. There’s a DIY mentality here, or better than that, a do-what-you-want mentality.

Yet, as of late I’ve found myself antsy.

I’m not sure if this is where I belong any longer yet I have no idea where I’d want to go.

I know that I seek nature and community and most of all, water. It’s like my soul needs to be cleansed. I need to soak in mother nature’s womb and become reborn. Because I have no idea what I’m doing, what I want to do, or really who I am in anymore.

Will submerging myself in the ocean actually help me? It’s hard to tell but it’s clear I’m not growing by staying in the same place I’ve been.

When I quit my 9 to 5 job to venture out into the world freelance, I knew it would be hard but I didn’t realize the toll it would take on my overall identity. I was amazed to find how much of my own worth I aligned with work. And when I didn’t have as much work coming in, my self-worth hit an all-time low and I made some decisions that severely impacted my will to live.

I overcame that death-wish though. But now I’m left in the process of trying to create a new me. One who knows what she wants and gets it. They say you can manifest whatever you want into being, but they don’t ever tell you how to figure out what that ‘want’ is.

Moving? Here’s some fancy label tape.

I’ve always known that I wanted to be a writer. And so I have always written. Yet, as a writer you are also a collector–of stories, ideas, details. I have more often than not, tried to see the world through other people’s perspectives. I have almost always chosen the story over my own sanity or safety or even a basic good night’s sleep. It’s become clear to me that just like people choose their battles, I need to start choosing my stories. I need to start saying, ‘no thanks’ to certain shenanigans, certain people, and start choosing new ways of being instead.

That’s one of the reasons why I feel compelled to move. Patterns are much easier to repeat in a place that you have repeated them for so long. Stagnation sets in much quicker in a bedroom where you’ve spent years depressed.

Wouldn’t a new bed be nice? Shop for one here.

Even though I have a wild imagination regarding our world and the people who live in it, sometimes I have a difficult time turning that imagination inward. So, I’m going to try it out, see how it goes, it will surely go somewhere, which is better than nowhere at all.

If you live by a large body of water and want a house guest for a few days let me know! I’m down to try new places and see if they’re a good fit.

Exclusives all month long on Patreon, including Monday Joke Day, Freaky Fan Friday, Erotica Readings and yes, some adult nudity.

Tell Me If This is Funny: Hot Sauce Litmus Test

hot sauce and dating

Would you rather go on a date with your last bad date again or get hot sauce in a not hot place?

Last night I was all fired up. This is not uncommon. I have a fiery disposition.

Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated or angry or I’m just trying to work through some issues I find myself talking to people who aren’t there in the mirror.

No, I don’t mean imaginary people.

I mean real people that I have met in real life who just happen to not be present while I am having the conversation.

I suppose it is not a conversation since they have no opportunity to rebuttal.

I guess you’d have to call it a monologue directed at a specific individual who will never hear it. Whatever. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has these sorts of mirror monologues.

Anyway, last night I was having this anger-filled mirror monologue as I was getting ready for bed. In between washing my face and brushing my teeth etc. I was yelling all sorts of things at this dude.

These were not nice things.

There was a lot of name-calling, a lot of calling out this dude’s bullshit, several sentences that went something like:

“sometimes I wish that I tried to be less understanding of other people’s motivations and instead just told them to fuck off without hearing their point of view.”

Things like that.

I called him an asshole.

I was taking out my contacts around the same time I was calling him an asshole. I sort of forgot that right before I decided to go to bed I had eaten a cheese quesadilla covered in hot sauce.

You can imagine what happened next.

Oh yes. The residual hot sauce made a lasting impression on my eyeball. And by lasting I mean it burnt like a motherfucker for about 10 to 15 seconds in which I immediately began apologizing to the man in the mirror who wasn’t really there.

I was like, “FINE, YOU’RE NOT AN ASSHOLE!”

Then the hot sauce eye burning went away.

And I was like, okay, maybe you’re a little bit of an asshole but would I go through that entire dating experience again versus having hot sauce go in my eyeball?

Yes.

Yes. I would even rather go on a date with him again knowing fully the exact kind of asshole he is than have hot sauce go anywhere near my eye.

That’s how much it hurts to have hot sauce in the eyeball.


Now, I have decided that this is going to be the litmus test for all of my past, present, and future relationships.

Does this hurt more than hot sauce in the eye?

If yes, never speak to person again.

If no, then don’t yell at them in the mirror when they cannot reply back. Instead, say it to their face with hot sauce in hand and if they say something mean to you throw the hot sauce in their eye!


Broad City Collection

Or don’t. You do you. Fight dirty, clean, or hot, it’s up to you.

Anyhoo.

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The Benefits and Disadvantages of Friends with Benefits

fuck buddies and friends who fuck

What to Expect from Friends with Benefits

Friday Feels: Heavy with Friendships

When I think of the difference between friends with benefits and fuck buddies one distinct difference comes to mind — friend versus fuck. While the former, ‘friends with benefits’ seem to indicate that you’re friends first and the sex comes as a bonus and fuck buddies seem to mean that the main basis of your buddy-buddy-ness comes due to the fucking.

In other words, there is at least some mental/emotional connection when you decide to be ‘friends with benefits’ with another person.

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That being said, the difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend/boyfriend (gender combo that however you need) lies with the expectations and responsibilities.

Friends with benefits have lower expectations of each other and require less responsibility. These relationships often form when people are in a transitionary period of their lives– they just got out of something heavy or they started a new job and don’t have time to focus on deeper romantic connections.

I’ve been contemplating whether this formation is actually healthy or not. I suppose it comes down to the two people directly involved. We all know that these are relationships that do not last. Yet, it doesn’t mean they can’t be helpful.

Anytime you interact with another person is a moment to learn more about yourself and the world around you, but is the ‘friend with benefits’ helping your growth or just distracting you from figuring out your shit?

Feels like it’s a distraction for the body even though deep down the mind (or spirit or both) wants something else.

We’re afraid to get to close because all of past issues have built up to the point where we are not ready for the pain of the let down of another person–who will inevitably let you down, just like you will inevitably let someone else down.

The thing is–the let down is unavoidable. To fully experience love in all of its capacity, one has to be open to the pain. Most people can’t handle the pain part and want to hold on to fragments of love, fragments of the good parts and avoid all of the rest.

I wonder if you’re in a stage where you can only give a fragment of yourself if you should really give that away at all? Maybe instead you should work toward rebuilding the self?

How many times have you been in a friend with benefits situation to have the benefits end and still remain friends? That is no easy task. I’d say 85-95% of the time one person develops stronger feelings than the other and has the desire to turn it from an fwb into a real deal sort of thing.

What makes friends with benefits less real than the girlfriend/boyfriend label?

Perhaps because within the friend with benefits label there is an understanding at least subconsciously if not obviously that whatever you have together isn’t as valuable, isn’t as serious, will most definitely come to an end.

I will say this, even though the friends with benefits scenario has lower expectations I’ve concluded that if I am ever going to be in one, my friend has to act like a friend and the benefits have to be beneficial.

Here are my three expectations of friends with benefits:

  1. The friends exchange an equal amount of attention, both of them playing the part of a friend, actually caring, asking questions, texting back etc.
  2. The friends equally initiate invitations (not just a 3 am ‘wyd?” text every Friday)
  3. The friends have consistent sexual relations with each other where both enjoy the benefits (she cums too).   

Of course, every person in every form of relationship has their own individual desires and expectations. Those are mine and I don’t find them too much to ask. If it’s difficult or the person doesn’t have the time or energy to do those things then that person shouldn’t be in a friend with benefits scenario with me. That’s all there is to that.

To be honest, I’m contemplating taking a break from men and sex altogether but that’s a story for a different day. Perhaps after I’ve contemplated the pros and cons of that choice in more detail. I’ll still masturbate though and maybe even film it (ask for more details on this if interested).

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May all your relationships in whatever formations be healthy and stimulating in one way or the other.

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