If You’re Angry and You Know it Clap Your Hands

how to use anger

Anger as an Energy

On Embracing the Darker Emotions

For the past few days I’ve been a fiery ball of pure anger. Why am I angry? There’s no specific reason. It’s everything and it’s nothing.

I did everything in my power to curb the anger. I worked out. I went to therapy. I went for a run right after therapy. I ate some healthy food. I ate some unhealthy food. I stewed in my room alone away from everyone. I drank beer, a many beers. And after all of that I was still pissed.

I had this unshakeable desire to punch people. I had this unshakeable desire to be punched. I tried to get people to start a fight club with me. They refused. It made me want to punch them.

I kept it contained though, I punched no one not even myself.

Check out:

The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger

When I said there’s no specific reason as to why I’m angry that’s not entirely true. I’m pissed off at myself. I pissed at myself for being so lousy at telling other people to fuck off.

That’s right.

I am mad that I’m bad at being a bitch.

I’m mad that I try so hard to understand other people’s emotions and motivations and desires and logic that I overlook my own.

I’m mad that I am not more discerning and I let people into my life who should never have access to it to begin with. I’m mad that I allow myself to be manipulated and lied to for other people’s sick amusement.

Check out:

Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding in Plain Sight

I’m mad that I have to continually tell men ‘no’ when I tell them I don’t want to see them anymore, that they think they’re entitled to me at any time because I went out with them for a month or six… or they’re entitled to me just because I’m a woman and they think I exist solely for them.

It is not my responsibility to make a person feel okay after they have treated me like shit.

If you treat someone badly and then afterward they do not like you, you have to own your actions and accept that someone does not like you because of them. And you can’t make up for it with a sappy text out of the blue or an invitation to dinner.

If you fuck up and want to repair it, you can’t just say you want to repair it and it magically is repaired. You must do actual work. You must put in actions over and over that prove the words you say or else it’s just bullshit.

The thing is, I’ve been too easy on men. It’s time for me to re-establish my boundaries. To be even louder and bolder with my ‘no.’ To tell people to fuck off the first time they do something bullshitty because baby doesn’t have time for any more bullshit.

There are only so many hours in the day and I want to spend those hours with people who are invested in creating meaningful fulfilling relationships and aren’t just trying to distract themselves from their own pain.

Check out:

Everlast Single-Station Heavy Bag Stand and 100lb Heavy Bag Kit Value Bundle

I own my pain. I own my anger. I take care of it by creating instead of destroying. Sure, I want to punch people but I’ll do it with my words and not my fists.

So if I tell you to fuck off, it’s not a reflection of who I am, it’s me seeing you for who you think I am and me disagreeing with that opinion.

Enneagrams, Russian Doll, and Killing Yourself

killing the self

A Mental Health Update

Yesterday I went to a therapist for the first time in my entire life.

I’ve been overcoming depression on and off for about twenty years give or take. It’s not that I’ve ever necessarily been afraid to go to therapy. I tell strangers my problems all the time over the internet. I’ve always thought that I could work through everything myself, I thought I was strong enough, that comparatively my problems were nothing.

Well, a few things happened all at once to finally get me to make the call. First, I ended yet another toxic relationship. Then, I went to Planned Parenthood after the end of this toxic relationship and discovered my pH balance in my vagina was off. Shock shock. Not a big deal. This happens to women all the time, we just tend to keep it to ourselves. They put me on antibiotics and thus for the last week I have not been drinking. I’ve instead been filling my time with a lot of reading and a lot of Netflixing.

Broad City Collection

One of the many books I’ve been plowing through is a book about Understanding the Enneagrams. At first, I thought this whole thing was going to be bullshit but bullshit can be entertaining. Initially, I was drawn to it from a writer’s perspective to better understand the motivations behind different people’s actions and reactions. Enneagrams divide people into 9 different personality types that continue to get more complicated and nuanced as you learn more.

As I was reading it I found that people I know fit within certain numbers perfectly. Like the guy I fell for most recently was an unhealthy 3; no self-worth thus manipulates and deceits people until he brings them down to his level. I found myself too. I’m an 8. The Challenger. The Challenger rises from a loss of innocence that can then manifest itself in lustful ways.

Fast forward.

I’m binge-watching Russian Doll on Netflix. I love Natasha Lyonne and Chloe Sevigny. I stick with it even though it starts off as this Groundhog’s Day-esque format of which makes me go mad. Yet, I put my anxiety on hold.

There was something quite powerful with this show even though the repetition of repeating the same day can make a person crazy, which is exactly the point, right? You keep getting thrown these same situations over and over because you’ve never solved the problem you were meant to solve.

The only difference is that our patterns come back with different masks, we don’t get a do-over. (I will not go down the rabbit hole of alternative dimensions today because that just gets complicated.)

Anyway, so we can see the main character repeating the same patterns within the same time frame of a day, day after day, but it’s just the same as us waking up day after different day and getting to try again.

At the end, she is finally confronted with her loss of innocence. She has no where else to go and must take the steps to overcome the pain of her past. She has to kill the part of herself that she no longer the needs. The part of herself that has been trying to protect her all of these years but has instead started to do the opposite. This is not a physical death. It is a letting go.  

Is this character an enneagram 8? Most def.  

Is this all just coincidentally unfolding right here right now for me? Nah. It’s time.

It’s time for me to take proactive steps to stop my pattern that are holding me back.  Sure, I’m strong, but I’m stronger now because I can admit that I can’t do everything on my own.

Imbolc: Drink a Milkshake & Celebrate Halfway to Spring!

imbolc wiccan

Witchy Ways: WTF is Imbolc?

A Quick Look at the Wiccan Celebration of Imbolc

Imbolc is here! One thing I do love about living in this world is the number of holidays that exist, particularly when you embrace them all instead of being uptight about just one being the “truth.”

You can get away with it too, at least with perfect strangers. They’re not going to know you’re not Jewish. Or you’re not Buddhist. Or you’re not a Satanist. So, why not throw a little party every time someone somewhere is celebrating something? Why leave yourself out? As Drake and Fiona Apple and the Buddha all say, “YOLO.”

I apologize for the yolo-ing. I know that’s so 2011. And if you’ve been yolo-ing since 2011 you’re probably dead by now. But we’ll skip that joke for now.

Anyway, today is a very special day, today marks the Gaelic traditional Wiccan festival of celebration Imbolc that runs from tonight through tomorrow (February 1-2). It’s a holiday that celebrates the midway point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox.

According to The Celtic Connection:

“Imbolc means in the belly of the mother because that is where seeds are beginning to stir as it is Spring.”

Culturally, in Ireland (and the surrounding areas), this was (and is) a time of the lambing season where herd animals give birth or are on the way to giving birth to new offspring.  

Imbolc is a time to celebrate new beginnings. It’s like a mini spring cleaning before a spring cleaning– this can be with your physical objects or with the letting go of bullshit that no longer serves you.

What I find so interesting about these pagan/Wiccan holidays is the fact that our culture has basically stolen all of them and then rebranded them.

We all know this is true with regards to Christmas and Halloween etc. but I’m saying any holiday you can think of can be traced back to other origins that are not originally Christian in nature. I’m not saying it’s wrong for Christians to take their own spin on celebrating the seasons etc. but I will say that they aren’t nearly as good at it and their branding is mediocre in comparison to some of these other ones.

For example. Imbolc is also referred to as Brigit’s Day, Brigit [Brighid] being the Celtic Fire Goddess “patron of smithcraft, healing, midwifery, and poetry.

During Imbolc:

“Brighid’s snake emerges from the womb of the Earth Mother to test the weather.”

This is the origin of Groundhog’s Day.

No offense to the groundhogs but a snake emerging from the womb to test the weather is WAY more badass. Like, can you picture Snake Womb’s Day–the movie? I can only imagine what kind of action-packed sex-fueled weird creepy shit would happen in that. (Starry a red-headed Irish witch, please and thank you.)

Another amazing thing about Imbolc is that one of the main ways you celebrate is by eating food, specifically all the dairy products. The dairy is supposed to symbolize fertility and abundance. So someone bring me an ice cream cake already. Or at least a grilled cheese.

Anyhoo. I’m actually pretty new to all of this stuff, but I feel like I should celebrate anyway since I discovered it. And this is America where you can celebrate everyone else’s holidays as an excuse to celebrate celebrating.

And to be honest I lean way closer in ideology to that which is more connected to nature and our connection to nature, so the discovery of Imbolc pleases me.

I have already started by rearranging my bedroom and going through stuff I no longer need or want. And this morning I went and got a pumpernickel everything bagel* with cream cheese (seeds, bread, dairy, for the win). Later I will light some candles and maybe take a milk and honey bath.

I know it probably doesn’t feel anywhere close to being spring if you’re currently dealing with the polar vortex over yonder across this beautiful country of ours. But, my friends, we’re halfway there–just hold on to your ridiculous amount of layers for a little bit longer. Soon we’ll be where the flowers are abloom and the milk runneth over and the birds are singing sweet sweet tunes from the green green trees.

Now let’s lick some cream to celebrate that!

Discover Fifty Shades Darker

*I have a random story regarding a person that works at the bagel shop + golden showers that I have posted on Patreon for Freaky Fan Friday. 

It’s only a dollar to join at this level and I try to do a Freaky Fan Friday video every week (I miss one occasionally). Anyway, it’s a nice way to show your support of this blog so I can keep writing this blog not have to go work at the bagel shop with pee boy.

You can also show your support by buying me something to review off of my Amazon Gift List. It is my birthday month after all (Feb 16). I’ve added some new lingerie as I’m doing Valentine’s Day colors for Patreon exclusives each week.

I also don’t mind words of encouragement if that’s something you’re into and would rather spend your money on yourself, I understand that.

This would be a nice gift to buy one’s self for a little self-love during this love and fertility season. It vibrates! I’m sure we’re all wondering the same thing here. . . I mean I have one that doesn’t vibrate and it’s already pretty orgasmic when I roll my back out.

I’ve added the link to it on Amazon here; shopping–it’s how we do holidays best. Happy Imbolc. Happy Love month.