Dreaming Yourself to Orgasm

orgasms while sleeping

Achieve Orgasm While You Sleep

Lucid Dreams and Sex Fantasies

This morning I had a dream orgasm. Or I was dreaming and then I had an orgasm that caused me to wake up and think, ‘did I just have a real life orgasm from a dream?” And the answer was, yes.

This was a real awakening for me.

Sure, I’ve had orgasms during dreams before but it’s happened so rarely I haven’t thought about it in a long time. I realized a couple of things from this situation.

  1. It’s probably the best way to wake up (having someone put bacon directly in your mouth is a close second but different story for a different day)
  2. It’s like pleasure with only your mind doing any of the work
  3. It doesn’t require anyone else to be there

I know some of you may be thinking, who did this woman dream about? And I’ll tell you that you probably don’t know the guy. Unless you are the guy, in which case I’ve already told you so if I didn’t tell you it wasn’t you.

But, it wasn’t really him, right? It was all in my head. This is revolutionary to me. You know how much drama could be saved if we only had sexual relationships with people while we were sleeping?!

I decided to look into all of this further.

I do not know why it has taken me until today to make the lucid dreaming / dream orgasm connection. It was like all of this unconscious power becoming suddenly conscious.

The esoteric world unfolds exactly how and when you need it to, I suppose.

Turns out, lucid dreaming to have sexual fantasy experiences occur is like the second most popular reason why people train themselves to lucid dream, flying being the top one (flying while fucking though?! Fly-fucking, imagine that!).

Anyhoo.  

It is possible to be aware that you are dreaming while you’re dreaming and steer the dream into certain directions — like having a wild rendezvous with Jon Snow in an eagle’s nest on top of a mountain — or whatever you’re into.

What I’ve understood from reading about it in more detail is that a lot of fucked up shit can happen. For example, you could be dream-fucking Jon Snow and he could turn into an angry griffin or your pervy uncle Stew or just vanish in mid-air right in the middle of the sex stuff.

Why? Because even if you are aware of what’s going on in the dream, you’re still in the subconscious space where random weird things are bound to turn up. It’s a delicate balance of the mind.

And this is where it gets interesting. There is a very specific reason why your dream lover turns into a dream monster.

According to The World of Lucid Dreaming:

This is the “carrot on the string” – one of the greatest self-limiting constructs in lucid dreamwork. Just when what you want is in reach, something yanks the string and you are left grasping at air. The reason this happens is because although we may crave lucid dream sex, the dream actually requires sexual connection.

So, even in our sex dream states we still have to deal with the struggle to go eat a carrot. . . (I HAD to do it because how often do I get this kind of chance?)

The article goes on to discuss how you will actually be more successful at having lucid dream orgasmic sex IF you don’t go into the lucid dream trying to just fuck someone because they’re hot. Basically, if your fantasy is shallow and objectifying your subconscious will often reject it because that’s not what most humans want deep down in their heart of hearts, mind of minds, pussy of pussies, cock of cocks.

What we want is real connection with people.

Lovehoney.com The Sexual Happiness People

It was fascinating to learn that people who practice lucid dreaming with the intent of having meaningful connections with their dream lovers find that they:

  1. Have more sleep-orgasms
  2. Become more successful at finding their dream lovers in real life

What?!

I know, right? It sounds like a bunch of pseudoscience fluff at first, yet, when you think about it makes sense in a way.

Dreams are where you go to work through the shit of your day-to-day life. So if you’re going into your dream world to work through a specific problem or desire and you succeed at doing that in your dreams you can better see how to make that work in waking reality.

Of course, I had no conscious control of this morning’s sex dream that turned waking life orgasmic, yet I so thoroughly enjoyed it that I’d like to see if I can make it happen more often. Why not? I’m just sleeping anyway.

Explore the World of Lucid Dreaming with the above book.

Can you lucid dream?

Tell me your thoughts in the comments.

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Tell Me If This is Funny: Hot Sauce Litmus Test

hot sauce and dating

Would you rather go on a date with your last bad date again or get hot sauce in a not hot place?

Last night I was all fired up. This is not uncommon. I have a fiery disposition.

Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated or angry or I’m just trying to work through some issues I find myself talking to people who aren’t there in the mirror.

No, I don’t mean imaginary people.

I mean real people that I have met in real life who just happen to not be present while I am having the conversation.

I suppose it is not a conversation since they have no opportunity to rebuttal.

I guess you’d have to call it a monologue directed at a specific individual who will never hear it. Whatever. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has these sorts of mirror monologues.

Anyway, last night I was having this anger-filled mirror monologue as I was getting ready for bed. In between washing my face and brushing my teeth etc. I was yelling all sorts of things at this dude.

These were not nice things.

There was a lot of name-calling, a lot of calling out this dude’s bullshit, several sentences that went something like:

“sometimes I wish that I tried to be less understanding of other people’s motivations and instead just told them to fuck off without hearing their point of view.”

Things like that.

I called him an asshole.

I was taking out my contacts around the same time I was calling him an asshole. I sort of forgot that right before I decided to go to bed I had eaten a cheese quesadilla covered in hot sauce.

You can imagine what happened next.

Oh yes. The residual hot sauce made a lasting impression on my eyeball. And by lasting I mean it burnt like a motherfucker for about 10 to 15 seconds in which I immediately began apologizing to the man in the mirror who wasn’t really there.

I was like, “FINE, YOU’RE NOT AN ASSHOLE!”

Then the hot sauce eye burning went away.

And I was like, okay, maybe you’re a little bit of an asshole but would I go through that entire dating experience again versus having hot sauce go in my eyeball?

Yes.

Yes. I would even rather go on a date with him again knowing fully the exact kind of asshole he is than have hot sauce go anywhere near my eye.

That’s how much it hurts to have hot sauce in the eyeball.


Now, I have decided that this is going to be the litmus test for all of my past, present, and future relationships.

Does this hurt more than hot sauce in the eye?

If yes, never speak to person again.

If no, then don’t yell at them in the mirror when they cannot reply back. Instead, say it to their face with hot sauce in hand and if they say something mean to you throw the hot sauce in their eye!


Broad City Collection

Or don’t. You do you. Fight dirty, clean, or hot, it’s up to you.

Anyhoo.

What would you choose: hot sauce in the eye or another date with your last bad relationship?

Get exclusives and answer the poll on the Go Eat a Carrot Patreon!

The Ex Text and Mercury Retrograde

ex texts and mercury retrograde

What To Do When the Ex Texts During Mercury Retrograde

Or Anytime Really

Scrolling Instagram the other day I saw a meme that said something along the lines of ‘mercury retrograde is the pumpkin spiced latte of astrology.’ I agree. It’s probably the most talked about of retogrades that happen and admittedly often those sentences come out of yuppie white basic bitches. The ones that like pumpkin spiced lattes.

Here’s the thing though, Mercury Retrograde does not have to be some sort of dreaded regular occurrence nor does it have to be an excuse for shitty things that happen.

Sure, you can use it as an excuse, I certainly have and I have certainly had a pumpkin spiced latte, does that mean I LIKE pumpkin spiced lattes–not particularly, but I am only two parts of the ‘yuppie white basic bitch’ so there’s that (I’ll let you figure out the two).

WTF is mercury retrograde and what does it supposedly do?

Mercury takes 88 days to do one revolution around the sun. Mercury moves into retrograde three times a year anytime between 19 and 24 days. It appears to move backward, though the planet does not actually move backward.

We’re almost through the most recent Mercury retrograde which goes from March 5th to March 28th.

Here’s some shit that often goes down during mercury retrograde:

  • Communication sucks–mistakes & misunderstandings seem to enhance
  • Technology sucks — shit breaks down more often, computers crash, stop lights stop stopping, zippers stop zipping etc.
  • People from the past RETURN

In Mercury retrograde it’s advised to not sign new contracts or begin new projects, to be patient with technology and travel.

What should you do during Mercury retrograde then?

Oh, you’re not going to like this one: inner work.

That’s right.

See the reason why the exes return so often during Mercury retrograde is that it’s a time for self-reflection. It’s a time to review the past and release the bullshit. End the old cycles so you can open up to new possibilities.

Still skeptical that it’s not a real thing? Alright. Well, in the last 10 ish days I’ve been contacted by nine people from my past. And when I say nine people — I’m talking ex-boyfriends, ex-flings, ex-lovers, ex-work-husbands, exe all around. NINE.

If that’s not enough to prove anything, I got a call from my friend-with-benefits who informed me that for the last few days he’d been talking with his ex. That he had decided he might, maybe, get back with her.

I cracked up laughing the moment I heard it.

Mostly because I had had nine people from my past already reappear and knew it was in the air, but also because it was almost the exact same storyline that happened to me during the last spring Mercury retrograde. I wasn’t going to let that story turn into a pattern so I said boy, bye, and good luck with your ex.

I’m not going to say it won’t work out with an ex, but here is what I’m going to say.

When you contact an ex or they contact you I’d suggest taking some time to do that whole review process thing. Write down what it was that attracted you, what repulsed you, why did it end? What can you do to find the good things in someone else who doesn’t possess the bad things that made the end happen?

For example, I’d like to find someone who can challenge me intellectually but not manipulate or gaslight me. What an idea!

I could keep going with this but you get the gist.

Broad City Collection

Have people from your past returned recently? How did you handle it? Are you currently texting your ex? You better hope Mercury retrograde fucks with your phone if you are because you don’t need to add that extra drama to your life. Get out a journal and write the stuff down, don’t dredge them through the muck of it with you again.

The Benefits and Disadvantages of Friends with Benefits

fuck buddies and friends who fuck

What to Expect from Friends with Benefits

Friday Feels: Heavy with Friendships

When I think of the difference between friends with benefits and fuck buddies one distinct difference comes to mind — friend versus fuck. While the former, ‘friends with benefits’ seem to indicate that you’re friends first and the sex comes as a bonus and fuck buddies seem to mean that the main basis of your buddy-buddy-ness comes due to the fucking.

In other words, there is at least some mental/emotional connection when you decide to be ‘friends with benefits’ with another person.

Discover Fifty Shades Darker

That being said, the difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend/boyfriend (gender combo that however you need) lies with the expectations and responsibilities.

Friends with benefits have lower expectations of each other and require less responsibility. These relationships often form when people are in a transitionary period of their lives– they just got out of something heavy or they started a new job and don’t have time to focus on deeper romantic connections.

I’ve been contemplating whether this formation is actually healthy or not. I suppose it comes down to the two people directly involved. We all know that these are relationships that do not last. Yet, it doesn’t mean they can’t be helpful.

Anytime you interact with another person is a moment to learn more about yourself and the world around you, but is the ‘friend with benefits’ helping your growth or just distracting you from figuring out your shit?

Feels like it’s a distraction for the body even though deep down the mind (or spirit or both) wants something else.

We’re afraid to get to close because all of past issues have built up to the point where we are not ready for the pain of the let down of another person–who will inevitably let you down, just like you will inevitably let someone else down.

The thing is–the let down is unavoidable. To fully experience love in all of its capacity, one has to be open to the pain. Most people can’t handle the pain part and want to hold on to fragments of love, fragments of the good parts and avoid all of the rest.

I wonder if you’re in a stage where you can only give a fragment of yourself if you should really give that away at all? Maybe instead you should work toward rebuilding the self?

How many times have you been in a friend with benefits situation to have the benefits end and still remain friends? That is no easy task. I’d say 85-95% of the time one person develops stronger feelings than the other and has the desire to turn it from an fwb into a real deal sort of thing.

What makes friends with benefits less real than the girlfriend/boyfriend label?

Perhaps because within the friend with benefits label there is an understanding at least subconsciously if not obviously that whatever you have together isn’t as valuable, isn’t as serious, will most definitely come to an end.

I will say this, even though the friends with benefits scenario has lower expectations I’ve concluded that if I am ever going to be in one, my friend has to act like a friend and the benefits have to be beneficial.

Here are my three expectations of friends with benefits:

  1. The friends exchange an equal amount of attention, both of them playing the part of a friend, actually caring, asking questions, texting back etc.
  2. The friends equally initiate invitations (not just a 3 am ‘wyd?” text every Friday)
  3. The friends have consistent sexual relations with each other where both enjoy the benefits (she cums too).   

Of course, every person in every form of relationship has their own individual desires and expectations. Those are mine and I don’t find them too much to ask. If it’s difficult or the person doesn’t have the time or energy to do those things then that person shouldn’t be in a friend with benefits scenario with me. That’s all there is to that.

To be honest, I’m contemplating taking a break from men and sex altogether but that’s a story for a different day. Perhaps after I’ve contemplated the pros and cons of that choice in more detail. I’ll still masturbate though and maybe even film it (ask for more details on this if interested).

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May all your relationships in whatever formations be healthy and stimulating in one way or the other.

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Sex Words That Are Not Sexy Volume 1: Horny

is this woman horny

Me so Not Horny for Horny

Why Do We Say Horny When We’re Uh, Horny?

For the majority of my life, I have hated the word horny.

Perhaps it was Austin Powers’ fault. You remember the “do I make you horny, baby?” line that he’d always say. It was kind of funny when he said it, but it was not funny when every immature asshole in my school when around quoting those movies all day long.

Why was that such a dude-phase? Is it still a dude phase? What movies are the pre-bros quoting now? I have so many questions and none of them have to do with this current topic of horniess, but I digress and regress.

As a writer I think a lot about words, often to the point where words start to sound like sounds and mean nothing whatsoever anymore, yet horny, ew, anyway you slice or dice it, no matter how many times you say it still rolls off the tongue in an unflattering way.

If you’re horny you should probably buy yourself a horny toy to play with, this one stimulates the prostate. Explore more here.

Based on my research on the etymology of sexual slang the word ‘horny’ comes from the most obvious of places– ‘of the horn,’ ‘the horn’ being slang for an erect penis.

It makes sense that men would call their erect penis’s horns. Let’s all admit though that comparably the human male has the saddest horn of all– only hard when sexually stimulated and even then only temporarily. And when they confront another horn with their horn it usually ends up in some weird sword fight situation over a toilet.

Yet, because of how language tends to change and shift over time, the word horny is now used by people of all genders to indicate their current state of high sexual arousal.

The truth of the matter is that there are not very many great words to use to describe being sexually aroused. Saying ‘I’m so aroused right now,‘ sounds ridiculous.

Amorous–comes from the root -amor which means love and has more of a passion-filled meaning behind it. “I’m feeling amorous,” also sounds weird.

Turned on’ is probably the most acceptable phrase.

Of course these days there’s some new slang hitting the sex world, “thirsty” comes to mind.

Frisky is nearly as bad as horny though it reminds me more of a state of a fluffy leg-humping dog than a person.

Erotically charged,” might sound good on paper but to use it as a phrase to self-describe seems silly as well.

So here we all are back at horny.

I have no good replacement words or phrases. The only suggestion I can make is to skip the horny language and go straight to what you’re looking for– ‘give me that D,” or “come fuck my brains out,” or “I want you inside me,” etc. etc.

Feel free to comment below on sex words you find unsexy or give me suggestions on words to use instead of horny, I’ve been trying to find a good one for ages.

Also– if you’re feeling horny or you want to feel even hornier– join us on Patreon for more exclusives.

Hot Tub Love Machine

effort in romantic relationships

Love in a Hot Tub

On Effort in Relationships

A couple of weeks ago my friend offered me her hot tub. This is one of those inflatable hot tubs that fits like 4 to 6 people. She said I could have it if I cleaned it out and found a way to get it to my house.

When I arrived the hot tub was deflated and covered in snow. Once I got the snow off I discovered that it also had two inches of solid ice gluing it to the ground.

I spent the entire afternoon boiling water trying to melt the ice while lightly hitting it with a hoe to break up the ice but not so heavy as to put a hole through the bottom of it.

Getting it to my house was another kind of disaster.

Eventually, I succeeded.

It was then, at my house that I remembered how the neighbors had decided to randomly build a new fence over the summer without telling us and how the construction workers had busted our outdoor pipe. They replaced it with some cheap PVC which busted during our first winter day.

One of my very helpful and thoughtful friends helped me repair the busted pipe.

I thought we were good to go, but the instructions on inflating the hot tub were ridiculous and I couldn’t figure it out. Another friend came along and assisted.

Finally, after more cleaning etc. I was able to start filling it up. That’s when we realized the pipe didn’t seal properly and half of the water coming out was going all over the ground.

I was determined after all of the bullshit just to get it there and setup that I was going to get that fucker working. I spent about four hours filling up the hot tub with 5-gallon buckets from the kitchen sink.

Then the weather shifted. It started to snow. The temperature dropped to like 10 degrees.

The hot tub refused to get hot.

I had a party, which was one of the main reasons I had decided to set up the hot tub to begin with. Instead of any of us sitting in it there was a long debate about how to make it hotter. Some of us started pouring boiling water in it. Others suggested heating up a stone to plop in there, a few of us wondering if a hot stone would be so hot as to burn a hole through the bottom.

In any event, none of it worked. It stayed at a steady 97 degrees until finally, several days later, once the weather improved, made its way to 102.

It was quite a disaster. And a rather boring story to be honest, but then I started to look at this entire situation as a symbol for my most recent past relationship.

All of this effort for a few moments of pleasure. Then it just turns into a time suck that wastes energy, resources, and requires daily maintenance for use. The pH balance has to be just right and you have to take care of the filter to keep debris, dirt, random objects from causing damage, decay, imbalance.

The question comes down to whether or not it’s worth it for something hot and heavy.

The answer for me is no.

I don’t need my relationships to be projects. I don’t need to put all my energy into something that gives very little in return.

I’m grateful for all the help I got along the way and I’m sure we will get some use out of it, but lesson learned.

Next time when I want to get wet I’ll just take a bath.

Dick Size v. Height: An Argument In Inches

does dick size matter

Would you rather be tall or have a big dick?

Or

Does dick size or height size really matter in the end?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a blog called Go Eat A Carrot, and because it’s a play on the male genitalia I get a lot of requests to talk about dick size. At the same time, I am also on Tinder and I see a lot of bio profiles with lines like, “5’9 since that seems to matter,” or “taller than you in heels,” or “5’10, 7” in heels,” etc etc. So, I want to take a minute to unpack some size issues, both the issues of height and the issues of dick size.

Read an earlier opinion Does Dick Size Matter? Here.

Let’s imagine for a second that the Size Goddess Fairy appeared before you and offered you two extra inches. Would you take those inches and make yourself taller, would you give yourself (or your lover) two inches more dick, or would you say fuck you, I’m perfect just the way I am?

I’m going to make a bold statement right now and say you’re perfect just the way you are.

Here’s why.

Whatever you have to work with you can always make it work both for yourself and for your lovers.

Sure, it’s scientifically proven that taller people are more successful, smarter, and make way more money than short people but could we admit for a second that along with the possibility of biological animalistic attraction it is also culturally conditioned?

Perhaps this is a mistake to say out loud because when I do I will have much more competition in this arena, but if you are a person who is attracted to men I suggest right now that you don’t discount the short guys.

It’s a pretty big secret shared only amongst the sex-positive sluts of the world that quite often short guys not only have big dicks but big personalities. They have learned to compensate for their lack of height by learning to become well-rounded people and not just assholes who get by on their looks alone.

Stereotypical mainstream “hot” people are quite often not that great in the bedroom or in conversation either. (This is not ALWAYS true, but it a closer to the truth.)

Also tall guys do not ALWAYS have big dicks. I would say that out of all the tall guys I’ve fucked only two have had super big dicks and all the others were moderate, sometimes even small.

Not that dick size matters. I mean, there are like 532 things you can do sexually that do not involve a penis at all.  

What does matter is Big Dick Energy (BDE). Whether you’re male or female, tall or short, anyone can have Big Dick Energy. What it comes down to is confidence and assertiveness and an acceptance of who you are and what you have to offer to the world.

So maybe in the end, when the Size Goddess Fairy asks you where you want the two extra inches you can just apply it to your Big Dick Energy instead.

3 Things for Singles to Do On Valentine’s Day 

singe on valentines day

Valentine’s Day Ideas for Singles

For many singles, Valentine’s Day brings up a lot of gross feelings such as loneliness, despair, sadness. Those feelings are valid. Feel the feelings, but note that they too shall pass. Love is all around and already deep within. Here are a few ways to feel that love even more this Valentine’s Day–or any day of the year for that matter.

Learn the best thing about being single in this video.

3 Ways to Enjoy Valentine’s Day When You’re Single

1. Give Love Back

For the past three years my best friend and I have made Valentine’s Day cards and have gone out on the streets of Denver to pass them and candy out to strangers walking by. Every year we’re amazed by the responses. People light up, they smile, they gush, they ask to take pics with us. For us it’s about giving back a bit of love to everyone regardless of who they are because we all deserve it, we are all worth it. So, if you’re feeling down one idea is to give back to others, whether you volunteer at a homeless shelter or volunteer to walk dogs or babysit for your couple friend who want a night out on the town, whatever style of giving you choose it’s a pretty powerful way to get out of your own head and see that love is all around you.

Valentine's shop

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2. Love Yourself All Night Long

Self-love takes work. Just like it takes work to love others except often it’s much harder because we have to live with ourselves every moment of every day. I don’t know about you, but I have been known to get on my own nerves from time to time.

That being said, I also love myself. It’s fun to take a night and do things that make you feel good. Pamper the shit out of yourself.

Cook yourself a nice meal, drink a glass of wine or three, go get a massage or take a hot bath (add a herbal tea mix or bath bomb to the water to really treat yourself), write down your hopes and dreams, make one of those vision boards, read a good book (This is How You Lose Her, Jitterbug Perfume, O’ Pioneers I can go on and on), masturbate with a nice lube, maybe splurge and buy yourself a new toy, light a candle or two. Do you boo boo, you deserve it.

Check out my list of the Best Sex Toys for Men here.

or

Discover the Best Sex Toys for Any Budget here.

3. Express Your Gratitude

Valentine’s Day is a great time to reflect back on all that you have. Why not get a group of single friends together and celebrate how wonderful it is to be in each others lives? Make fancy cocktails or collaborate on a new project together (or both). If your friends are far away write them a letter that says how much they mean to you. This works with family members too. It’s never a bad time to say something good about someone dear to you. It might be just what they needed to hear or just what you needed to say to have a more joyful day.

Anyway, you go I hope you have a lovely holiday. I’ll be handing out Valentine’s on the streets of Denver as per usual. Perhaps I’ll see you out and about!

Join us on Patreon to get Go Eat a Carrot Exclusives. Including artistic nudity, erotica readings, and so much more!

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas For All Kinds

valentines day gifts

Discover These Unique Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

Sexy, Romantic, or Cute: Valentine’s Day Gifts

No matter if you’re shopping for a lover, friend, or yourself, discover these Valentine’s Day gift ideas as you celebrate the season of love.

Rev Up The Sexy

Sure, you could select erotic lacy lingerie or you could step it up a notch with a sex toy (or 12) guaranteed to keep the orgasms a coming.

There are so many options on the market these days from couples toys to male masturbators to clitoral vibrators, it would be hard to go wrong, especially if you’re picking from the high-end companies like Lelo, We-Vibe, Fun Factory etc.

If you really want to go all kinked out and have a bunch of extra cash just hanging around (lucky you) Lelo has this pretty amazing Anniversary Gift Set full of a dozen of crazy high-end contraptions that comes in its own suitcase (including handcuffs, impact toys, and vibrators).

If $1900 is out of your price range there are two other Pleasure Set options that look like a ton of fun.

Explore the Kit and other Lelo Products here. (Plus Lelo is offering 25% off and a free gift on your order this month.)

Pour Your Heart Out

Or hire someone else to do it for you. What’s more romantic than a customized poem? With Abigail Mott Poetry select a topic of your choice, fill her in on some of the juicy details of your love life and she’ll use her vintage typewriter to create words that that will capture the inner workings of your soul. What better way to express your deepest feelings?!

These poems also make great wedding gifts, friend gifts, or even gifts for your mother.

Order your specialized poem here.

Get Tipsy With It

This one is simple, cute, and delicious. Buy your special someone their favorite beer and write a note on it that says, “Will You Beer My Valentine?”

Of course, if you don’t have a special someone you can just buy some beer for yourself and enjoy a night of lowered inhibitions and warm fuzzy thoughts.

This Portable Beer Dispenser could be a nice addition to the beer if you’re looking to up-level the drinking experience.

Shop for it here.

Whatever you do this Valentine’s Day I hope it’s filled with love, at the very least for yourself. If you’d like to share some love with me and get exclusives you won’t find anywhere else come join us on Patreon.

Mistakes Were Made: A Sexual Health Confession

sexual health

A Sexual Health Update

Or

I Made a Whore-able Decision

I must make a confession.

I didn’t quit the sociopath when everyone thought that I had.

I mean I did. But then he seeped back into my life.

That’s right, seeped.

I thought I was in love with him. Turns out he was a master manipulator, a pathological liar, and of course, a narcissist (they always seem to go together don’t they?). I’m not going to go into more detail quite yet but needless to say, he was seeing multiple women on a regular basis and banging everything else that moved in front of him–without a condom.  

Usually I am adamant about condom use.

I failed.

I am not perfect.

Of course, I was upset that he fucked with my mind, my emotions, my spirit, but I was really pissed off that he compromised my sexual health.

It’s been two weeks, which is the amount of time it takes for the most common STIs to form in the body. At Planned Parenthood today I peed into a cup to test for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and trichomoniasis, this takes a week to get back the results. So here we wait. The other sexually transmitted diseases like syphilis as an example, take around three months to form in the body, so we wait some more.

I also had an HIV finger-poke blood test. I am, thankfully, HIV negative.

Finally, I received a vaginal swab exam. That is when they stick the metal duck bills inside you then take a giant q-tip and swirl it around after which they then analysis under the microscope. They’ve started warming up the metal duck bills and I’ll tell you right now, I prefer them cold. That was a bizarre sensation.

So, what did the doctor find when she looked under the microscope?

I bet a few of you smart cookies can guess.

That’s right. BV. Bacterial Vaginosis. An overgrowth of bacteria found in the vagina. Basically, my pH balance is off. This can occur really easily in women. It can occur even easier if the woman has multiple partners. Or in my circumstance, if the man she’s sleeping with has multiple partners and doesn’t wash his dirty dick. (If you stick your penis into one vagina and then hours later stick it in another, you’re going to transfer some unwanted stuff around. Science.)

So, my male readers, I behoove you, I beg you, if you’re going to be a slut, be an ethical one and take a fucking shower between your conquests. (Please, also, don’t refer to them as conquests). Also, we should all wear condoms, but since I am not the poster-child for this and have failed at doing the one thing I preach, I am writing it more for myself than for you, my reader.     

This is not the sexiest of sex topics, but sexual health is vital for one’s physical and mental and spiritual well-being. I would have preferred to not talk about this at all, but I also believe in transparency and this is my current state of being.

I made a mistake by having unprotected sex with someone I trusted (that I should not have trusted) and that’s on me.

I got out of it pretty lucky, to be honest. This will go away in a week and isn’t even an STI, just an annoying imbalance.  

The nurse practitioner said something along the lines of “we’ll get rid of that bad bacteria once and for all.” For a second I thought she was talking about the guy and I guess in a way she was.

He will no longer be seeping back into my life that’s for sure.

Sometimes the lessons we learn are hard. Or come from a hard place. Either way, starting with a clean slate, 7 days of antibiotics and no drinking. I’ll be so fresh, like basically a virgin again. Sometimes better things come to those who wait.