Masturbation can be a form of stress relief and can ease anxiety and aid in better overall emotional, spiritual, and physical health. And in these times of intensity, it can also help ease the rage. I know because I’ve been full of rage for many decades now and I have tried it myself.
Because as I person who runs a sex-positive and body-positive blog that means all shapes, races, colors, desires welcome and supported. Big carrot, little carrot, no carrot– everyone deserves love and respect.
That being said, if you’re in the market for a new way to show yourself some love aka a new toy, use one of the affiliate links below and for the next month (June 2-July 2, 2020) I will donate 100% of the proceeds to Black Lives Matter campaigns including Campaign Zero and Bail Funds across the country.
The amount from proceeds is usually about 10-30% of your total cost (depending on the affiliate). So, you can get that new toy you were already planning to buy while at the same time giving a portion of that money to a good cause.
Of course, If you don’t want a new toy and you just want to use the one you got or your hands or a pillow or whatever—and donate that money you could have used on a toy, by all means, DO THAT. Or do whatever you want. This is a free country. Or, we’re at least trying to get there.
A Short List of My Favorite Sex Toy Companies
Tantus : 100% premium-silicone toys designed by women and hand-molded in U.S.
Lelo: I have always been impressed by this Swedish company’s designs. Now you can get a free toy with purchase over $169.
We-Vibe: Get it on with some of the best toys I have ever tested with this Canadian company dedicated to shaping the future of sexual health and wellness.
Here are some toys that I think look fun and would love to try, so maybe try them out and let me know what you think OR send one to me and I’ll review it for everyone.
Anyhoo. If you have questions or comments about what the best toy would be for you feel free to send me a message on Instagram or email me via my contact. Thanks for supporting the cause and taking care of your own sexual health at the same time.
First of all, one must sing, “where have all the fuckboys gone” as if they’re singing, “where have all the cowboys gone,” to make any of this work. I assumed you all knew this, but I needed to state the obvious, just in case.
I don’t know about you all, but I am curious. What happened to the fuck boys since ‘social distancing’ has become the scenerio of our day to day lives?
In case anyone needs a refresher, a fuckboy is defined as someone who goes around making sure he gets whatever he wants aka his dick wet, usually at the expense of others, often by lying and manipulating (aka telling people what they want to hear).
Fuckboys may act like they’re really into you only to ghost you for months than somehow return from the dead in order to get their dicks wet again with claims of having ‘been busy,’ which is just code for them fucking other people in a similar fashion.
They come in all shapes and sizes, all ages, political and social demographics, they may even claim to be spiritual or ‘woke,’ but that’s just another ploy to help them get laid. (I’ll go into the “woke” fuckboy dilemma another time as it’s an issue all unto itself.)
Back in the 1970s, some unwoke white dude politician said that when it came to defining porn, ‘you know it when you see it.’ Well, the truth is, the same can be said for fuckboys. (You might not know it right away, because fuckboys are great at what they do, but it does become quite clear within one day’s time.)
So, where have the fuck boys gone? Could this possibly be a case of them all disappearing because they finally realized the world doesn’t want or need them anymore? Could we be so lucky?
I know that there may be some fuckboys reading this thinking, what? Why does no one want a fuckboy? Why do we exist if no one wants us? I mean, the same could be said for herpes or mosquitos or those orange candy peanuts. Just because something exists doesn’t mean it’s good or good for you.
No one wants a fuckboy because they are horrible creatures.
Let’s be clear, this is not to say that people do not want casual sex. There are plenty of people who do. Two people can openly and honestly agree that they only want something casual, that does not make a fuckboy, that makes two people communicating and agreeing upon the same thing.
But, there are also a lot of people who do not want casual sex and a fuckboy will pretend that he wants something meaningful too, a connection too, a relationship too, until he gets his dick wet and quickly bounces to the next conquest.
In other words.
Fuckboys are slim.
Fuckboys fucking suck.
At least during this quarantine you can spot a fuckboy way quicker, way easier. You know because if you match with a fuckboy on an online dating app, they will try to meet you THAT VERY DAY. They give little fucks about social distancing or lockdown etc. they only care about their immediate needs. Some fuckboys will even slide into your DMs and try to get you to meet up with them that way.
They’re losing steam. They’re running out of options.
Will they die if they can’t stick their dicks in something? Maybe? We can all pray that they do — at least that they lose that selfish part of themselves and turn from fuckboys into humans.
I am uncertain of where all the fuckboys have gone.
Some are definitely still out there trying to get inside stuff. My suggestion: do not let them in. Let them wither away. Let them suffocate. Or if you’re friendlier than me, let them ride off into their last sunset like retired cowboys fading into the night.
Direct advice to fuckboys:
Fuckboys turn to ghosts and stay fucking dead, you ain’t Jesus, no one needs your second coming (your first was not OMG worthy either). Fuckboys, bye.
It is not uncommon I suppose, when you talk about sex and sexuality, it gets people riled up.
Suddenly they think they can be crass because that is their view of sex. They think they can be dirty because they think sex is dirty. They can be off-putting and rude and awkward because they have never been given the tools to fully grasp who they are wholly (and that includes their own sexuality).
And, so, I suppose I can’t take that much offense when someone who isn’t emotionally developed asks me a rude question. I can only hope for the best. The best being that they recognize they are being a dick and work on ways to be less of a dick in the future.
Anyhoo. Sexuality is a pretty big element in most people’s lives– even people who abstain– as many have to actively NOT do it etc. Sex is how we all got here (in case you missed that day in Health class). Good ole sperm and egg.
Sex and Sexual Health
Sexual health makes up one of the many areas of general overall health–other areas include physical health, social health, financial health, emotional health, etc.
Yet, sexuality comes with a whole host of issues that many of the others do not, for example, many people experience a lot of shame, confusion, mis-information, avoidance, religious propaganda etc. when it comes to sexuality.
Sex positivity works to help overcome all of that. It’s about positive sexual health, empowered sexuality, sex without shame, sex with respect, consent, boundaries, desires, pleasures, etc.
One of the issues I run into is that many men think that because I talk about sex I must WANT it ALL of the time and FROM ANYONE.
In fact, that was what the rude question was all about. A person, who I politely declined a proposition from many many months ago, had the nerve to ask me if I were a [nympho]
(in brackets because of course he didn’t spell it correctly).
To be clear, a person can be sex positive and not want to engage in sexual activity with everyone they meet.
A person can also be sex positive and WANT to engage in sexuality activity with everyone they meet.
What Does it Mean to Be Sex Positive?
Being sex positive means that you accept and respect your own sexuality and everyone elses around you with openness, honesty, consent, communication, etc.
To do this we may have to unlearn many of the ideas and concepts that we grew up with; we may have to explore new ideas, ask questions, be curious about what could be instead of making assumptions about where we are or who other people are etc. We also have to learn how to ask better questions, how to be respectful and tactful when we talk about sexuality with those around us.
Anyhoo. Personally, I have explored many many options and am currently in the process of learning more about myself while being open to a meaningful long-term relationship with someone who actually wants more from me than just SEX. I know, hard to believe, but it’s true.
Yes, I can still be sexy, yes I can still have desires and fantasies, and get attention from people who think I’m hot, but no, I personally do not plan to bang every Todd, Dick, and Hairy that ask.
Thank you for asking, but no thank you.
If you’d like to take me on a date and get to know me (once this quarantine is all over) then you may ask me that and I will let you know one way or the other.
If you are not interested that is OKAY too, I do not need to know that you are not interested, it makes no difference to me. We all have different tastes, desires, attractions etc. you go after whatever those are to you (consensually of course).
If you continue to have questions you’re always welcome to hire me as a consultant where I will answer and advise based on my background in sex positivity.
Good day to you and to all!
Why not buy yourself a new toy and continue your sex positive exploration while helping your fellow sex positive blogger get a small % in return for making said recommendation? Cool. Discover Lelo for ultimate pleasure experiences.
You know, when I moved from Denver to rural Kansas I knew my sex life was going to take a big hit (or lack of hits, I guess haha). But I was unprepared for this sort of quarantine drama. It’s way different when you purposely abstain because you’re looking for something more meaningful or you’re tired of getting pumped and dumped or you’re seeking God or whatever, but to be single and not being able to get laid, makes a person WANT it all the more. Or maybe it’s just me. But I’ve talked to a few people and I’m pretty sure it’s not just me.
It has gotten a bit out of control, what was once a thought about sex every 25-63 seconds has now gotten up to be hover more around like 7 seconds. And the thoughts are getting weird. Pornhub searches are getting weirder (hear about them on my Patreon); the things, ideas, people I’ve considered humping when this is all over has really gone off the deep end. I even thought that Arnold Schwarzenegger looked good and I have never been into that much muscle.
In reality, I know that this time will fly by like a wink of an eye, and I understand that springtime brings with it its own extra element of procreational desires–the owls are hooting–the turkeys are gobbling–the bulls are strutting– all the wild life are running around doing it, tis the season.
So, what do you do if you’re sexually frustrated and in quarantine? What if you can’t wank off or you’ve wanked off so much you’re starting to cause physical damage? Or it’s just become so boring yet the energy hasn’t gone away? Well, you’re in luck. I’ve put together a list:
5 things to Do with Your Pent Up Sexual Energy
Sit and Don’t Think About What You’ve Done
Aka meditate. I know, at first it sounds counter-intuitive, if you’re having wild sex thoughts, craving sex, getting turned on by the craziest people, ideas, things, etc. that sitting around doing nothing about it would be the worst idea ever. But, running away from the issue isn’t going to help either. The concept is to turn into the craving, not necessarily succumb to it, but feel the feeling of it and recognize it as just that, a feeling. And like every other feeling, let it pass by like a cloud in the blue blue sky.
Move it or Lose It aka Workout
You must let that energy escape somehow. Start with a few jumping jacks, maybe some sit ups, follow-up with a couple of pushups (if your boner doesn’t get in the way). Or go for a long run. Move your body. Move it until you can’t move it anymore if you must. Sweat it out. Do it. Just do it. Oh. yeah.
Take Cold Showers Every Day
And blow my life away on a dream that won’t come true. (Anyone else a Grease fan?). This one is pretty self-explanatory. Cool off. Or turn up the heat and take care of business again. It may be one of the few places you have privacy (if you live with other people). It will at least give you something to do and ease the smell of living that one pair of gnarly sweatpants you own.
Play With It
Still sexually frustrated but also bored? There’s never been a better time to bring out your sex toys — or get yourself a new one. I have plenty of articles on the best ones out there, like The Best Sex Toys or Men, Best Sex Toys for Couples, or Best Sex Toys For Any Budget etc. Check out Lelo for some of the best high quality toys around–and change up your typical wank off routine (for women, men, couples and everyone in between).
Make it or Break It
Most importantly, the best thing to do with your pent up sexual energy is create. Your sexual center and your creativity center are interconnected so if you’re struggling in one area, give attention to the other and you might find a solution. Creating doesn’t have to be for anyone but yourself–whether you decide to write a song or a story or a poem, paint or draw, dance around the room, play music, bake bread (like everyone else seems to be doing)– cover your entire body in googly eyes and walk around the neighborhood spying on everyone– whatever you do, do it for you. It’s all about expressing a part of yourself to yourself–don’t worry what anyone else will think of it.
So there you have it. 5 ways to make it through this quarantine a little less sexually frustrated. If you have any other ideas please feel free to leave them in the comments below.
If you need help finding the perfect sex toy for you feel free to send me an email or drop me a message in Instagram.
Also, follow my Patreon for video diaries, pics you won’t see anywhere else, DMs gone wrong and so much more.
All your plans are canceled? Not sure what to do with yourself? Tired of bingeing on Netflix? Not sure what social distancing really entails. Well, never you fear, I’ve spent a many years developing superb ‘hiding from people’ skills and I can tell you, you’re about to have a really good time.
Here are 5 Things to Do While Social Distancing
Finally read a GD book
Isn’t it great that you now have all the time in the world to just sit back and catch up on your reading list? Perhaps you’re confused and do not know where to start. Well, if you already have a pile I suggest starting at the top of that. If you do not, here are some book suggestions based on our current corona virus / social distancing/ world canceled/ stuck at home / hermit life / situation we’re all in.
My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh
The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Life of the Last True Hermit by Michael Finkle
The Plague by Albert Camus
All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen
The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts
Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chodron
2. Move That Ass
Sure you can’t go to the gym anymore but you can certainly step outside and go for a fucking walk. Just don’t touch anything or anyone when you do it. Get that vitamin D, it might the only D you get for a while.
In addition to walking, you can find pretty decent gym replacement streaming videos on YouTube.
Two of my favorite streaming workout channels are:
3. Get Your Head Right
What a perfect time to go inside yourself and finally deal with some of your issues. No need to worry about making it to the party later or having to deal with anyone seeing your sad puffy eyes. Cry it out. Sit around and ‘be.’ Maybe meditate for a moment in time. Go down a YouTube hole and learn all about emotional maturity or overcoming bad habits or how to be alone etc.
The School of Life videos are a good place to start:
4. Love Yo’Self
There’s research out there that says masturbation actually improves your immunity. So, have at it, give yourself a hand or two, or if you’re tired of doing ALL the work, might I suggest Lelo’s F1 Developers Kit for penises and the Lelo Sona Cruise for clitorises.
Have you been putting off making that phone call? How’s your mom doing? Want to tell an old girlfriend you’re still in love with her? Want to ask someone out after the world comes back on again? Bored? Lonely? Well, luckily the phone and the internet still work. So, call someone you know. Or maybe someone you don’t know?
It will be 69 days this Thursday the 14th of November.
69 days of no sixty-nine.
69 days of no sex of any kind (except the occasional rub out and if you really want to count the time my period got triggered and blood gushed out everywhere upon penetration and we immediately stopped, but I do not want to count that or even remember it so let’s just not).
We hear the term ‘incels,’ thrown around a lot these days. An incel is someone who is involuntarily celibate as in they want to have sex but they have such shitty personalities that no one wants to have sex with them. The fact of the matter is that these people should be called involuntarily-abstinent because people who are celibate are typically choosing to abstain from sex for a higher spiritual purpose, whereas when one is abstinent they’re usually strictly avoiding sex for any or whatever reason (or for involuntary reasons aka being insecure and annoying).
So, for the last two-ish months I have been for (the most part) voluntarily celibate.
In a way you could say that I’m doing it for God… or better yet, not doing it for God. If you look at God as the interconnection of all things and I as one of the parts of those things, amen, namaste, hallelujah.
Why, I’m sure you’re wondering, did this woman who has run a sex blog for the past year+, who clearly has a super high sex drive, and pretty much gets dick (and pussy) thrown her way every day, GIVE IT ALL UP FOR GOD (god being the interconnection of all things and her self being one of those things, god=her, etc…) ????
Giving It Up Accidentally On Purpose
Well, it wasn’t just one thing and it wasn’t all entirely on purpose.
Perhaps you could say I was over-saturated with sex. And honestly, no matter how much you like something, you can certainly over-do anything.
Also, I was losing myself, in the real world and online.
As you may recall from many blogs ago, I accidentally fell in love with a sociopath. I then spent the last 10+ months going to therapy (twice a week) to overcome my terrible habit of dating terrible people. Of course, I couldn’t leave a learning opportunity unfulfilled when a sexy con-artist walked into my life RIGHT after I finally had my ‘ah-ha-moment’ of dude v. man clarity. That “relationship” lasted a month–turns out therapy is actually working and the Red Flag Dudes go out the door at a much speedier pace now.
To top it off, the final straw of it all–I fucked a republican and he ended up fucking me in ways that I am currently still not ready to go into (ways that really have nothing to do with the fact that he is a republican — only that I should have known it was going to be a piss-poor situation… pun may have been intended there).
Online wasn’t much better. I started this blog as an opportunity to express my truth. I wanted to dive into topics on politics, health, sexuality, body positivity etc. but as with any sort of capitalistic endeavor you see what gets the most hits, the most likes, and you roll with that. At some point, instead of talking about whatever was on my mind at the time I ended up shaping it to get the most traffic. But getting ‘the most traffic’ was never one of my main goals. The main goal was connection to others through self-expression.
I cannot go without speaking for a moment about the energy-exchange that occurs through social media. Our interactions online impact us in real life even if many people want to pretend that there’s some sort of barrier between the two (there is not). Though I am often writing about sex-positive topics it often felt that many men believed that I specifically wanted to have sex with them and not only did I want to, that they were entitled to have that experience with me because they took a second to DM me some ridiculous message.
Here are examples of the last few I received:
“Can I have nudes”
“I got a question”
“Are white guys allowed to fuck you too..??”
“My dick is19,cm good??”
“Hi”. . . .( 4 days later) –> “?????”
“I love porn and you?”
I understand my line of work breeds this kind of stuff but it’s still exhausting, it causes burn out just reading them, and it makes me want to throw my phone in the creek.
Find out what I’ve been up to instead of the sex in my latest video:
After the sociopath and the con-artist, and the republican, and the strangers from the internet I was feeling really quite over it all. My high sex drive did a 180 and buried itself under ground. I thought something was really wrong with me.
I went to Planned Parenthood.
Something was wrong with me.
Actually, several things were wrong with me.
I’m not going to go into details, suffice to say they were all treatable things, treatable with antibiotics and no sex.
Then my pap came back.
After that, I had a pretty standard mental freak out followed by a physical biopsy.
Another 7+ days no sex.
Not that I even wanted it.
I had started to call my vagina, ‘The Cave of Nightmares,’ because everything that followed fucking that republican was like a series of bad dreams confined to a warm dark hole deep inside of me.
All of that time away from casual sex made me realize how much I didn’t really care for it anymore. It served its purpose at the time, it was fun, it was distracting, it was always a story of sorts, but I was/am over it.
I didn’t want a Cave of Nightmares. I wanted a Secret Space of Splendor or a Hole of Holy Heaven or just like a regular functioning NORMAL vaginal area.
I got it. The biopsy came back normal. Thank the Goddess. But all of the above nonsense has helped me realign my relationship goals and my relationship with my body.
So, I have made a vow to myself.
The next person who gets the opportunity to explore my Pocket of Paradise will be someone who matters. It will be with someone that I share a deeper connection with; it will have meaning and romance and passion and green flags and magic and mystery and safety. We will create a foundation of friendship first, it will be rooted in love and the desire to propel each other into better versions of ourselves while accepting each other for the core of who we are.
Everything else is a bore.
I’d rather have no sex than boring sex (though I’d still eat bad pizza as opposed to no pizza at all).
Before we begin, let’s take a moment to talk about the history of the Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Hitachi Magic Wand was invented in Japan as an AC-powered wand vibrator to relieve tension, body aches, and sore muscles. It came out onto the market in America in 1968.
I’m not sure if anyone ever used it for its intended purposes.
For over 50 years people, mostly women, but also men, have been using this device as a sex toy.
It is by far the most powerful vibrator I have ever used and I have tried and tested many, many, many. I actually chose to not buy the Hitachi Magic Wand when I first started working as a sex toy saleswoman because I had heard the rumors and I didn’t want it to ruin me.
I was afraid the vibrations would be so intense I would never want to use any other toy ever again, because I’m a high-vibe type of gal. Plus, the thing is big and bulky and I didn’t want to have to carry it around everywhere I went.
I love the Hitachi Magic Wand, just like I knew that I would. Of course, I still have other favorites, like the Lelo Sona Cruise and the We-Vibe Tango, but those are stories for other days.
Let me get to the point.
A couple of mornings ago I had gotten back from a yoga class, I had showered and was resting peacefully in my bed. I decided that I should masturbate. I wasn’t that turned on, but it seemed like I should get it out of the way in case I became turned on later and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I whipped out the Hitachi.
As I turned on Pornhub and started going at it, I realized that my hips were quite sore.
I tried to ignore it.
But the more I vibrated, the more my hips were like WTF?
It was at this point that my true age was revealed. I was no longer a young whipper-snapper. I was in fact, in my almost-mid thirties.
I took the hitachi and started using it for its initial purpose–as a body massager. And boy, were my hips happy.
My clit on the other hand, was not amused.
You know you’re in your thirties when you go to masturbate and end up using your Hitachi on your aching hips instead.
When you start using your body massager as a body massager.
Sore muscles? Body aches? Untapped desire? Want to try the Hitachi out for yourself?
Almost exactly a year ago, on Easter Sunday to be exact, Go Eat A Carrot was born. I had gone on this fabulous rom-com date with a pretty decent dude, where he bought me a very large carrot as a Sin Day Sunday gift.
Later that night I had eaten an edible and instead of putting me to sleep it put me in this weird manic-y state of mind where I stayed up through the evening and came to the conclusion that I needed to start a blog. A blog about the truth, and sex and love and politics and food, but mostly about the truth and mostly about the sex truth. A blog where I told people to “go eat a carrot,” which of course is a triple entendre– my favorite kind of entendre.
It’s been a real fucking crazy year. It has been probably the craziest year of my life. I’m happy to still be alive (most of the time). It’s unclear at this point what’s going to happen with this blog. I said I’d write it for a year and I did. There were times I veered away from the truth because my audience was more concerned with the sex. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get back to the root of what this was–which was a way for me to express the bullshit and the beauty going on in my life and to connect with people over topics that we all enjoy exploring.
Anyway, it’s pretty interesting to realize that Easter comes from the Ishtar, the Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of fertility and sex. No wonder I had the idea for a sex blog on Easter. It’s my way of celebrating life. I create these little babies for you all, blog babies.
It’s been a struggle and a learning curve. I’ve had quite a time in this puritanical land talking about sex, even if I’m doing it from a sex positive perspective, on social media sites. I’ve also dealt with A LOT of really dumb DM messages, yet at the same time I’ve talked to some really amazing new people and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
Here are some stats and some learnings from the first year of Go Eat a Carrot and some stats from my sex life during that time.
The night the Nun made a sex tape, the former-NBA player experience, the men capable of giving me multiple orgasms–thank you. Financial domination, monster porn, tentacle porn. Quick mental connections that end in friendships that actually last. Old friends returning to the story. Figuring out my patterns and ending them.
Sex Lowlights: The men who couldn’t, wouldn’t get me off. Dog porn. The toy with the app that failed to work. The guy who didn’t share his food the next morning, fuck that guy. The manboys who went back with their exes (yes, there were more than one). The Sociopath, enough said.
The Hard (and soft) Lessons I’ve Learned:
Yes, I fell in love with a sociopath. I don’t talk about it much, mostly because it’s clear this guy is still stalking me and I don’t really want to add more fuel to the fire, but it was quite an ordeal that I’m still working through. For months I was furious. Not only angry at him but angry at myself.
The thing is, I’m working on forgiveness. Not because that’s what Jesus would do, but because it’s the only way I am going to be able to move on with my life. I can’t be mad at a monster for acting like a monster. I can’t be mad at myself for falling for a monster, because the truth of the matter there’s a little bit of monster in all of us.
Yes, I was drawn to the danger, the mystery, the excitement. Yes, I enjoyed the drama… until it went too far. I learned so much about myself from the experience though. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I would rather be alive than walk around dead all the time. I learned what I definitely do not want in my relationships and I learned how to run away from red flags the moment they start waving their redness in front of me.
I also have learned what I do want. Stability, strength, simplicity. A balance of masculinity and femininity. Honesty. Truth. Fragility. Vulnerability. I want to be held with kindness, care, concern. I want to receive as much as I give– and I am quite a giver.
I’m not playing games anymore. Save the drama for your mama or anyone else that isn’t me because, nah. I’m done with that bullshit.
If people can’t handle it, if they can’t handle me, or they don’t want to put in the work, then guess what? They can just go eat a carrot.
That whole thing has been really fucking hard. It ripped me apart. It dragged me under and I started to drown. Everything else this past year has been minuscule in comparison; the men who left me for their exes, the ghosts, the guy with the girlfriend, the one nights stands that left me bored and unsatisfied, the time-wasters and super-pervs– nothing has come close to that pain and that torment. It’s my goal to make sure it never does again. Mindfuck me once, that’s all I need to never get mindfucked again.
Sure, I danced with the devil, but I knew he was the devil the entire time. The thing is, he wasn’t that good of a dancer and so I’ll just keep dancing on my own. No one can step on my feet that way.
Thanks for all the support for this past year–whether you’re a regular reader, a friend, a regular friend reader, I have appreciated you being there.
If you’d like to show your support for Go Eat A Carrot financially–which would be quite helpful indeed, become a Patron on Patreon, buy me something from my Amazon Wishlist, or buy yourself something nice from one of my affiliate sites:
Cheating–it’s a touchy subject, but a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time. Admittedly, I have cheated, been cheated on, and been the person who someone has cheated on someone else with. Does this mean that I live in a valueless world full of people who have no morals? Maybe. Though, not exactly.
Are only people who have no values the ones who cheat? No. Plenty of mostly morally-okay people have been known to dip in where they don’t belong.
Is cheating just a whim brought on by desire to fulfill sexual needs? Seems much more rare than mainstream movies would have you believe.
Of course, there are a plethora of reasons why a person cheats. They could do it because they’re bored. They could do it because they’re lonely within a stagnant relationship. They could do it because they’re a sociopath who cares not about the damage they’re creating. They could do it because they’re selfish or stupid or because they think they can get away with it.
But what seems to be at the root of many cheating scenarios is a flirtation with freedom, a renegotiation of self, a statement that says, ‘no one owns me,’ or ‘see, I can still do what I want.’ In a way, it’s the creation of an ‘out.’
If I do this terrible thing then I can get out of this relationship at any time. All I’d have to do is come clean.
This “secret” is more of a key that will unlock the door to the possibility of no longer being in the relationship they’re in.
Why do people do this?
Fear. Insecurity. Not fully trusting themselves. Not investing 100% in another because they think deep down that they could never truly be loved. Causing pain before the other person can cause it first. An upper hand. A backup plan.
In other words, self-sabotage.
We see it often in relationships where one person is too clingy; we see it in relationships where one person is too distant. And honestly, that line is a fine one. Every person has their own level of need, space, attachment. Can we blame it on that, no. But, we’re talking about root causes of human behavior, we’re not talking about whether it’s a good or bad choice.
Yet, just because a person cheats on another person does not mean they do not love the person they’re in a relationship with. This culture puts almost too-much weight on fidelity–hence why people use it as an out.
As anyone who has used Tinder can attest, it is possible to have sex without attachment.
Vice versa to that, it’s possible to have attachment without sex.
And even going further, it’s possible to be in love with someone you have sex with and also have sex with people you’re not in love with.
The core of the issue is not about sex. It’s the value-systems in place. Can I trust this person? Will this person abandon me? Can I rely on this person to be there for me to help when I need it, to celebrate my wins? Etc.
So cheating, in essence, is more a violation of these values. Is there a way to hold those values and have sex with other people? Certainly.
I’ll explore more of the topic of cheating to come. It’s a complicated one, full of twists and turns.
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A Review of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating
Sometimes I wonder how or why my friends put up with me.
For instance, one of them has Showtime on Demand and for the past couple of weeks I have been going over to his house and binge-watching the crap about of Polyamory: Married & Dating until we finally finished the second season a few nights ago.
I don’t know what kept us going, except perhaps our mutual hatred for the show.
It came out in 2012 & 2013 so I get that I’m way behind the times but that’s what I get for not having Showtime (I also have missed out on The Knick, but that’s a different story for a different day).
Here’s what I’ve been saying for the longest time regarding monogamy v. polyamory–who cares they both suck and they’re both wonderful for their own reasons.
I’ve had plenty of media exposure to monogamous structures that have made me want to not be monogamous, but this was the first time I got to watch a show that made me feel real turned off by the idea of polyamory too.
I don’t know.
Showtime seemed to be trying too hard to make it sexy. It was also pretty heteronormative (and white and middle class). Two male/female married couples living and playing together in a pod, and two triads both with one male and two females. In other words they could all pass as monogamous if they wanted to.
That was the other thing that bothered me about the show. There was so much monogamy-shaming. Like, one of the beautiful elements of polyamory is the idea that you can create your own script, that you can form relationships how you want to–not how society attempts to define you–and yet many of these people seemed to think that showing even the slightest bit of monogamous behavior was BAD.
Or they would use monogamy-shaming to get what they wanted, for example, Michael basically manipulated Kamala into sharing her girlfriend to prove she was still poly (a reoccuring theme).
When you’re poly you can have relationships with people without those people having relationships with other people you’re having relationships with. The guy clearly just wanted to have a threesome with two attractive women.
Which brings me to my next point. The women seemed to actually desire deep emotional connections with multiple people while the men seemed to desire straight up sex with as many people as they could get. The truth is that both ways are fine–if those ways are understood, but they never quite seemed to get there.
Now, I don’t know if some of these situations actually unfolded as we were shown or if the editors cut them a particular way to add more drama/suspense, but I do know that regardless it brought up two major things regarding human behavior that I found fascinating. Not only that, but it made me reflect upon my own life and examine how often I do similar things.
The Two Human Behaviors I Learned From Polyamory: Married & Dating
People hear the things they want to hear not the things people actually say
My friend and I basically spent every episode yelling at the TV– “that’s NOT what he/she said.” We probably did this a million times. It was crazy how you’d listen to two people talk to each other and then later they’d make up sentences totally contradictory to the words you heard before.
I do not want you to go on a date with my girlfriend. If you’d like to have tea and chat I think that would be nice.
Person 2 [Later]: I can’t wait to go on my date with Person 1’s girlfriend, I hope we get to snuggle!
This show made me want to become a better listener. So, at least something was gained.
2. People will convince themselves of the most bullshit of bullshit when they’re trying to accept their own bad behavior (or the bad behavior of someone they love)
Kamala gives her new love interest a bj without her husband’s consent when they explicitly discussed how the two would not have sex until there was a verbal agreement regarding that activity. Her husband walks in on them while the blow job is happening and then Kamala pulls a Bill Clinton claiming they had not defined “what sex is,” –which came as quite a shock to me hearing that from a licensed sex therapist who clearly knows better.
I don’t even want to get started on the Tahl / Jen relationship; I will say this, he acted quite weasley and often found himself caught in a lie of his own doing and I wish she would have gotten out of that sooner.
But that’s the thing. We put up with a lot of bullshit when we’re in love with someone else. What polyamory should be teaching everyone regardless of their relationship structure choices is that COMMUNICATION is of utmost importance.
Sure, it might be painful to say the things you need to say and it might hurt even more to hear the things you don’t want to hear, but we’re talking about healthy relationships here.
No matter what you choose, monogamy, polyamory, asexual hermit cave-living, single and slutty-in-the-city living, etc. it all comes down to knowing what you want and establishing the boundaries you need to make your relationships healthy.
May we all find our words and our ears.
Another shout out to my friend for putting up with my bullshit and watching this show with me.
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