Before we begin, let’s take a moment to talk about the history of the Hitachi Magic Wand.
The Hitachi Magic Wand was invented in Japan as an AC-powered wand vibrator to relieve tension, body aches, and sore muscles. It came out onto the market in America in 1968.
I’m not sure if anyone ever used it for its intended purposes.
For over 50 years people, mostly women, but also men, have been using this device as a sex toy.
It is by far the most powerful vibrator I have ever used and I have tried and tested many, many, many. I actually chose to not buy the Hitachi Magic Wand when I first started working as a sex toy saleswoman because I had heard the rumors and I didn’t want it to ruin me.
I was afraid the vibrations would be so intense I would never want to use any other toy ever again, because I’m a high-vibe type of gal. Plus, the thing is big and bulky and I didn’t want to have to carry it around everywhere I went.
I love the Hitachi Magic Wand, just like I knew that I would. Of course, I still have other favorites, like the Lelo Sona Cruise and the We-Vibe Tango, but those are stories for other days.
Let me get to the point.
A couple of mornings ago I had gotten back from a yoga class, I had showered and was resting peacefully in my bed. I decided that I should masturbate. I wasn’t that turned on, but it seemed like I should get it out of the way in case I became turned on later and there was nothing I could do about it. So, I whipped out the Hitachi.
As I turned on Pornhub and started going at it, I realized that my hips were quite sore.
I tried to ignore it.
But the more I vibrated, the more my hips were like WTF?
It was at this point that my true age was revealed. I was no longer a young whipper-snapper. I was in fact, in my almost-mid thirties.
I took the hitachi and started using it for its initial purpose–as a body massager. And boy, were my hips happy.
My clit on the other hand, was not amused.
You know you’re in your thirties when you go to masturbate and end up using your Hitachi on your aching hips instead.
When you start using your body massager as a body massager.
Sore muscles? Body aches? Untapped desire? Want to try the Hitachi out for yourself?
Almost exactly a year ago, on Easter Sunday to be exact, Go Eat A Carrot was born. I had gone on this fabulous rom-com date with a pretty decent dude, where he bought me a very large carrot as a Sin Day Sunday gift.
Later that night I had eaten an edible and instead of putting me to sleep it put me in this weird manic-y state of mind where I stayed up through the evening and came to the conclusion that I needed to start a blog. A blog about the truth, and sex and love and politics and food, but mostly about the truth and mostly about the sex truth. A blog where I told people to “go eat a carrot,” which of course is a triple entendre– my favorite kind of entendre.
It’s been a real fucking crazy year. It has been probably the craziest year of my life. I’m happy to still be alive (most of the time). It’s unclear at this point what’s going to happen with this blog. I said I’d write it for a year and I did. There were times I veered away from the truth because my audience was more concerned with the sex. I don’t want to do that anymore. I want to get back to the root of what this was–which was a way for me to express the bullshit and the beauty going on in my life and to connect with people over topics that we all enjoy exploring.
Anyway, it’s pretty interesting to realize that Easter comes from the Ishtar, the Assyrian and Babylonian goddess of fertility and sex. No wonder I had the idea for a sex blog on Easter. It’s my way of celebrating life. I create these little babies for you all, blog babies.
It’s been a struggle and a learning curve. I’ve had quite a time in this puritanical land talking about sex, even if I’m doing it from a sex positive perspective, on social media sites. I’ve also dealt with A LOT of really dumb DM messages, yet at the same time I’ve talked to some really amazing new people and I couldn’t be more thankful for that.
Here are some stats and some learnings from the first year of Go Eat a Carrot and some stats from my sex life during that time.
The night the Nun made a sex tape, the former-NBA player experience, the men capable of giving me multiple orgasms–thank you. Financial domination, monster porn, tentacle porn. Quick mental connections that end in friendships that actually last. Old friends returning to the story. Figuring out my patterns and ending them.
Sex Lowlights: The men who couldn’t, wouldn’t get me off. Dog porn. The toy with the app that failed to work. The guy who didn’t share his food the next morning, fuck that guy. The manboys who went back with their exes (yes, there were more than one). The Sociopath, enough said.
The Hard (and soft) Lessons I’ve Learned:
Yes, I fell in love with a sociopath. I don’t talk about it much, mostly because it’s clear this guy is still stalking me and I don’t really want to add more fuel to the fire, but it was quite an ordeal that I’m still working through. For months I was furious. Not only angry at him but angry at myself.
The thing is, I’m working on forgiveness. Not because that’s what Jesus would do, but because it’s the only way I am going to be able to move on with my life. I can’t be mad at a monster for acting like a monster. I can’t be mad at myself for falling for a monster, because the truth of the matter there’s a little bit of monster in all of us.
Yes, I was drawn to the danger, the mystery, the excitement. Yes, I enjoyed the drama… until it went too far. I learned so much about myself from the experience though. I learned that I am stronger than I thought. I learned that I would rather be alive than walk around dead all the time. I learned what I definitely do not want in my relationships and I learned how to run away from red flags the moment they start waving their redness in front of me.
I also have learned what I do want. Stability, strength, simplicity. A balance of masculinity and femininity. Honesty. Truth. Fragility. Vulnerability. I want to be held with kindness, care, concern. I want to receive as much as I give– and I am quite a giver.
I’m not playing games anymore. Save the drama for your mama or anyone else that isn’t me because, nah. I’m done with that bullshit.
If people can’t handle it, if they can’t handle me, or they don’t want to put in the work, then guess what? They can just go eat a carrot.
That whole thing has been really fucking hard. It ripped me apart. It dragged me under and I started to drown. Everything else this past year has been minuscule in comparison; the men who left me for their exes, the ghosts, the guy with the girlfriend, the one nights stands that left me bored and unsatisfied, the time-wasters and super-pervs– nothing has come close to that pain and that torment. It’s my goal to make sure it never does again. Mindfuck me once, that’s all I need to never get mindfucked again.
Sure, I danced with the devil, but I knew he was the devil the entire time. The thing is, he wasn’t that good of a dancer and so I’ll just keep dancing on my own. No one can step on my feet that way.
Thanks for all the support for this past year–whether you’re a regular reader, a friend, a regular friend reader, I have appreciated you being there.
If you’d like to show your support for Go Eat A Carrot financially–which would be quite helpful indeed, become a Patron on Patreon, buy me something from my Amazon Wishlist, or buy yourself something nice from one of my affiliate sites:
Cheating–it’s a touchy subject, but a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time. Admittedly, I have cheated, been cheated on, and been the person who someone has cheated on someone else with. Does this mean that I live in a valueless world full of people who have no morals? Maybe. Though, not exactly.
Are only people who have no values the ones who cheat? No. Plenty of mostly morally-okay people have been known to dip in where they don’t belong.
Is cheating just a whim brought on by desire to fulfill sexual needs? Seems much more rare than mainstream movies would have you believe.
Of course, there are a plethora of reasons why a person cheats. They could do it because they’re bored. They could do it because they’re lonely within a stagnant relationship. They could do it because they’re a sociopath who cares not about the damage they’re creating. They could do it because they’re selfish or stupid or because they think they can get away with it.
But what seems to be at the root of many cheating scenarios is a flirtation with freedom, a renegotiation of self, a statement that says, ‘no one owns me,’ or ‘see, I can still do what I want.’ In a way, it’s the creation of an ‘out.’
If I do this terrible thing then I can get out of this relationship at any time. All I’d have to do is come clean.
This “secret” is more of a key that will unlock the door to the possibility of no longer being in the relationship they’re in.
Why do people do this?
Fear. Insecurity. Not fully trusting themselves. Not investing 100% in another because they think deep down that they could never truly be loved. Causing pain before the other person can cause it first. An upper hand. A backup plan.
In other words, self-sabotage.
We see it often in relationships where one person is too clingy; we see it in relationships where one person is too distant. And honestly, that line is a fine one. Every person has their own level of need, space, attachment. Can we blame it on that, no. But, we’re talking about root causes of human behavior, we’re not talking about whether it’s a good or bad choice.
Yet, just because a person cheats on another person does not mean they do not love the person they’re in a relationship with. This culture puts almost too-much weight on fidelity–hence why people use it as an out.
As anyone who has used Tinder can attest, it is possible to have sex without attachment.
Vice versa to that, it’s possible to have attachment without sex.
And even going further, it’s possible to be in love with someone you have sex with and also have sex with people you’re not in love with.
The core of the issue is not about sex. It’s the value-systems in place. Can I trust this person? Will this person abandon me? Can I rely on this person to be there for me to help when I need it, to celebrate my wins? Etc.
So cheating, in essence, is more a violation of these values. Is there a way to hold those values and have sex with other people? Certainly.
I’ll explore more of the topic of cheating to come. It’s a complicated one, full of twists and turns.
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A Review of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating
Sometimes I wonder how or why my friends put up with me.
For instance, one of them has Showtime on Demand and for the past couple of weeks I have been going over to his house and binge-watching the crap about of Polyamory: Married & Dating until we finally finished the second season a few nights ago.
I don’t know what kept us going, except perhaps our mutual hatred for the show.
It came out in 2012 & 2013 so I get that I’m way behind the times but that’s what I get for not having Showtime (I also have missed out on The Knick, but that’s a different story for a different day).
Here’s what I’ve been saying for the longest time regarding monogamy v. polyamory–who cares they both suck and they’re both wonderful for their own reasons.
I’ve had plenty of media exposure to monogamous structures that have made me want to not be monogamous, but this was the first time I got to watch a show that made me feel real turned off by the idea of polyamory too.
I don’t know.
Showtime seemed to be trying too hard to make it sexy. It was also pretty heteronormative (and white and middle class). Two male/female married couples living and playing together in a pod, and two triads both with one male and two females. In other words they could all pass as monogamous if they wanted to.
That was the other thing that bothered me about the show. There was so much monogamy-shaming. Like, one of the beautiful elements of polyamory is the idea that you can create your own script, that you can form relationships how you want to–not how society attempts to define you–and yet many of these people seemed to think that showing even the slightest bit of monogamous behavior was BAD.
Or they would use monogamy-shaming to get what they wanted, for example, Michael basically manipulated Kamala into sharing her girlfriend to prove she was still poly (a reoccuring theme).
When you’re poly you can have relationships with people without those people having relationships with other people you’re having relationships with. The guy clearly just wanted to have a threesome with two attractive women.
Which brings me to my next point. The women seemed to actually desire deep emotional connections with multiple people while the men seemed to desire straight up sex with as many people as they could get. The truth is that both ways are fine–if those ways are understood, but they never quite seemed to get there.
Now, I don’t know if some of these situations actually unfolded as we were shown or if the editors cut them a particular way to add more drama/suspense, but I do know that regardless it brought up two major things regarding human behavior that I found fascinating. Not only that, but it made me reflect upon my own life and examine how often I do similar things.
The Two Human Behaviors I Learned From Polyamory: Married & Dating
People hear the things they want to hear not the things people actually say
My friend and I basically spent every episode yelling at the TV– “that’s NOT what he/she said.” We probably did this a million times. It was crazy how you’d listen to two people talk to each other and then later they’d make up sentences totally contradictory to the words you heard before.
I do not want you to go on a date with my girlfriend. If you’d like to have tea and chat I think that would be nice.
Person 2 [Later]: I can’t wait to go on my date with Person 1’s girlfriend, I hope we get to snuggle!
This show made me want to become a better listener. So, at least something was gained.
2. People will convince themselves of the most bullshit of bullshit when they’re trying to accept their own bad behavior (or the bad behavior of someone they love)
Kamala gives her new love interest a bj without her husband’s consent when they explicitly discussed how the two would not have sex until there was a verbal agreement regarding that activity. Her husband walks in on them while the blow job is happening and then Kamala pulls a Bill Clinton claiming they had not defined “what sex is,” –which came as quite a shock to me hearing that from a licensed sex therapist who clearly knows better.
I don’t even want to get started on the Tahl / Jen relationship; I will say this, he acted quite weasley and often found himself caught in a lie of his own doing and I wish she would have gotten out of that sooner.
But that’s the thing. We put up with a lot of bullshit when we’re in love with someone else. What polyamory should be teaching everyone regardless of their relationship structure choices is that COMMUNICATION is of utmost importance.
Sure, it might be painful to say the things you need to say and it might hurt even more to hear the things you don’t want to hear, but we’re talking about healthy relationships here.
No matter what you choose, monogamy, polyamory, asexual hermit cave-living, single and slutty-in-the-city living, etc. it all comes down to knowing what you want and establishing the boundaries you need to make your relationships healthy.
May we all find our words and our ears.
Another shout out to my friend for putting up with my bullshit and watching this show with me.
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This morning I had a dream orgasm. Or I was dreaming and then I had an orgasm that caused me to wake up and think, ‘did I just have a real life orgasm from a dream?” And the answer was, yes.
This was a real awakening for me.
Sure, I’ve had orgasms during dreams before but it’s happened so rarely I haven’t thought about it in a long time. I realized a couple of things from this situation.
It’s probably the best way to wake up (having someone put bacon directly in your mouth is a close second but different story for a different day)
It’s like pleasure with only your mind doing any of the work
It doesn’t require anyone else to be there
I know some of you may be thinking, who did this woman dream about? And I’ll tell you that you probably don’t know the guy. Unless you are the guy, in which case I’ve already told you so if I didn’t tell you it wasn’t you.
But, it wasn’t really him, right? It was all in my head. This is revolutionary to me. You know how much drama could be saved if we only had sexual relationships with people while we were sleeping?!
I decided to look into all of this further.
I do not know why it has taken me until today to make the lucid dreaming / dream orgasm connection. It was like all of this unconscious power becoming suddenly conscious.
The esoteric world unfolds exactly how and when you need it to, I suppose.
Turns out, lucid dreaming to have sexual fantasy experiences occur is like the second most popular reason why people train themselves to lucid dream, flying being the top one (flying while fucking though?! Fly-fucking, imagine that!).
It is possible to be aware that you are dreaming while you’re dreaming and steer the dream into certain directions — like having a wild rendezvous with Jon Snow in an eagle’s nest on top of a mountain — or whatever you’re into.
What I’ve understood from reading about it in more detail is that a lot of fucked up shit can happen. For example, you could be dream-fucking Jon Snow and he could turn into an angry griffin or your pervy uncle Stew or just vanish in mid-air right in the middle of the sex stuff.
Why? Because even if you are aware of what’s going on in the dream, you’re still in the subconscious space where random weird things are bound to turn up. It’s a delicate balance of the mind.
And this is where it gets interesting. There is a very specific reason why your dream lover turns into a dream monster.
This is the “carrot on the string” – one of the greatest self-limiting constructs in lucid dreamwork. Just when what you want is in reach, something yanks the string and you are left grasping at air. The reason this happens is because although we may crave lucid dream sex, the dream actually requires sexual connection.
So, even in our sex dream states we still have to deal with the struggle to go eat a carrot. . . (I HAD to do it because how often do I get this kind of chance?)
The article goes on to discuss how you will actually be more successful at having lucid dream orgasmic sex IF you don’t go into the lucid dream trying to just fuck someone because they’re hot. Basically, if your fantasy is shallow and objectifying your subconscious will often reject it because that’s not what most humans want deep down in their heart of hearts, mind of minds, pussy of pussies, cock of cocks.
What we want is real connection with people.
It was fascinating to learn that people who practice lucid dreaming with the intent of having meaningful connections with their dream lovers find that they:
Have more sleep-orgasms
Become more successful at finding their dream lovers in real life
I know, right? It sounds like a bunch of pseudoscience fluff at first, yet, when you think about it makes sense in a way.
Dreams are where you go to work through the shit of your day-to-day life. So if you’re going into your dream world to work through a specific problem or desire and you succeed at doing that in your dreams you can better see how to make that work in waking reality.
Of course, I had no conscious control of this morning’s sex dream that turned waking life orgasmic, yet I so thoroughly enjoyed it that I’d like to see if I can make it happen more often. Why not? I’m just sleeping anyway.
Would you rather go on a date with your last bad date again or get hot sauce in a not hot place?
Last night I was all fired up. This is not uncommon. I have a fiery disposition.
Sometimes when I’m feeling frustrated or angry or I’m just trying to work through some issues I find myself talking to people who aren’t there in the mirror.
No, I don’t mean imaginary people.
I mean real people that I have met in real life who just happen to not be present while I am having the conversation.
I suppose it is not a conversation since they have no opportunity to rebuttal.
I guess you’d have to call it a monologue directed at a specific individual who will never hear it. Whatever. I know for a fact that I am not the only one who has these sorts of mirror monologues.
Anyway, last night I was having this anger-filled mirror monologue as I was getting ready for bed. In between washing my face and brushing my teeth etc. I was yelling all sorts of things at this dude.
These were not nice things.
There was a lot of name-calling, a lot of calling out this dude’s bullshit, several sentences that went something like:
“sometimes I wish that I tried to be less understanding of other people’s motivations and instead just told them to fuck off without hearing their point of view.”
Things like that.
I called him an asshole.
I was taking out my contacts around the same time I was calling him an asshole. I sort of forgot that right before I decided to go to bed I had eaten a cheese quesadilla covered in hot sauce.
You can imagine what happened next.
Oh yes. The residual hot sauce made a lasting impression on my eyeball. And by lasting I mean it burnt like a motherfucker for about 10 to 15 seconds in which I immediately began apologizing to the man in the mirror who wasn’t really there.
I was like, “FINE, YOU’RE NOT AN ASSHOLE!”
Then the hot sauce eye burning went away.
And I was like, okay, maybe you’re a little bit of an asshole but would I go through that entire dating experience again versus having hot sauce go in my eyeball?
Yes. I would even rather go on a date with him again knowing fully the exact kind of asshole he is than have hot sauce go anywhere near my eye.
That’s how much it hurts to have hot sauce in the eyeball.
Now, I have decided that this is going to be the litmus test for all of my past, present, and future relationships.
Does this hurt more than hot sauce in the eye?
If yes, never speak to person again.
If no, then don’t yell at them in the mirror when they cannot reply back. Instead, say it to their face with hot sauce in hand and if they say something mean to you throw the hot sauce in their eye!
Or don’t. You do you. Fight dirty, clean, or hot, it’s up to you.
What would you choose: hot sauce in the eye or another date with your last bad relationship?
What To Do When the Ex Texts During Mercury Retrograde
Or Anytime Really
Scrolling Instagram the other day I saw a meme that said something along the lines of ‘mercury retrograde is the pumpkin spiced latte of astrology.’ I agree. It’s probably the most talked about of retogrades that happen and admittedly often those sentences come out of yuppie white basic bitches. The ones that like pumpkin spiced lattes.
Here’s the thing though, Mercury Retrograde does not have to be some sort of dreaded regular occurrence nor does it have to be an excuse for shitty things that happen.
Sure, you can use it as an excuse, I certainly have and I have certainly had a pumpkin spiced latte, does that mean I LIKE pumpkin spiced lattes–not particularly, but I am only two parts of the ‘yuppie white basic bitch’ so there’s that (I’ll let you figure out the two).
WTF is mercury retrograde and what does it supposedly do?
Mercury takes 88 days to do one revolution around the sun. Mercury moves into retrograde three times a year anytime between 19 and 24 days. It appears to move backward, though the planet does not actually move backward.
We’re almost through the most recent Mercury retrograde which goes from March 5th to March 28th.
Here’s some shit that often goes down during mercury retrograde:
Communication sucks–mistakes & misunderstandings seem to enhance
Technology sucks — shit breaks down more often, computers crash, stop lights stop stopping, zippers stop zipping etc.
People from the past RETURN
In Mercury retrograde it’s advised to not sign new contracts or begin new projects, to be patient with technology and travel.
What should you do during Mercury retrograde then?
Oh, you’re not going to like this one: inner work.
See the reason why the exes return so often during Mercury retrograde is that it’s a time for self-reflection. It’s a time to review the past and release the bullshit. End the old cycles so you can open up to new possibilities.
Still skeptical that it’s not a real thing? Alright. Well, in the last 10 ish days I’ve been contacted by nine people from my past. And when I say nine people — I’m talking ex-boyfriends, ex-flings, ex-lovers, ex-work-husbands, exe all around. NINE.
If that’s not enough to prove anything, I got a call from my friend-with-benefits who informed me that for the last few days he’d been talking with his ex. That he had decided he might, maybe, get back with her.
I cracked up laughing the moment I heard it.
Mostly because I had had nine people from my past already reappear and knew it was in the air, but also because it was almost the exact same storyline that happened to me during the last spring Mercury retrograde. I wasn’t going to let that story turn into a pattern so I said boy, bye, and good luck with your ex.
I’m not going to say it won’t work out with an ex, but here is what I’m going to say.
When you contact an ex or they contact you I’d suggest taking some time to do that whole review process thing. Write down what it was that attracted you, what repulsed you, why did it end? What can you do to find the good things in someone else who doesn’t possess the bad things that made the end happen?
For example, I’d like to find someone who can challenge me intellectually but not manipulate or gaslight me. What an idea!
I could keep going with this but you get the gist.
Have people from your past returned recently? How did you handle it? Are you currently texting your ex? You better hope Mercury retrograde fucks with your phone if you are because you don’t need to add that extra drama to your life. Get out a journal and write the stuff down, don’t dredge them through the muck of it with you again.
When I think of the difference between friends with benefits and fuck buddies one distinct difference comes to mind — friend versus fuck. While the former, ‘friends with benefits’ seem to indicate that you’re friends first and the sex comes as a bonus and fuck buddies seem to mean that the main basis of your buddy-buddy-ness comes due to the fucking.
In other words, there is at least some mental/emotional connection when you decide to be ‘friends with benefits’ with another person.
That being said, the difference between a friend with benefits and a girlfriend/boyfriend (gender combo that however you need) lies with the expectations and responsibilities.
Friends with benefits have lower expectations of each other and require less responsibility. These relationships often form when people are in a transitionary period of their lives– they just got out of something heavy or they started a new job and don’t have time to focus on deeper romantic connections.
I’ve been contemplating whether this formation is actually healthy or not. I suppose it comes down to the two people directly involved. We all know that these are relationships that do not last. Yet, it doesn’t mean they can’t be helpful.
Anytime you interact with another person is a moment to learn more about yourself and the world around you, but is the ‘friend with benefits’ helping your growth or just distracting you from figuring out your shit?
Feels like it’s a distraction for the body even though deep down the mind (or spirit or both) wants something else.
We’re afraid to get to close because all of past issues have built up to the point where we are not ready for the pain of the let down of another person–who will inevitably let you down, just like you will inevitably let someone else down.
The thing is–the let down is unavoidable. To fully experience love in all of its capacity, one has to be open to the pain. Most people can’t handle the pain part and want to hold on to fragments of love, fragments of the good parts and avoid all of the rest.
I wonder if you’re in a stage where you can only give a fragment of yourself if you should really give that away at all? Maybe instead you should work toward rebuilding the self?
How many times have you been in a friend with benefits situation to have the benefits end and still remain friends? That is no easy task. I’d say 85-95% of the time one person develops stronger feelings than the other and has the desire to turn it from an fwb into a real deal sort of thing.
What makes friends with benefits less real than the girlfriend/boyfriend label?
Perhaps because within the friend with benefits label there is an understanding at least subconsciously if not obviously that whatever you have together isn’t as valuable, isn’t as serious, will most definitely come to an end.
I will say this, even though the friends with benefits scenario has lower expectations I’ve concluded that if I am ever going to be in one, my friend has to act like a friend and the benefits have to be beneficial.
Here are my three expectations of friends with benefits:
The friends exchange an equal amount of attention, both of them playing the part of a friend, actually caring, asking questions, texting back etc.
The friends equally initiate invitations (not just a 3 am ‘wyd?” text every Friday)
The friends have consistent sexual relations with each other where both enjoy the benefits (she cums too).
Of course, every person in every form of relationship has their own individual desires and expectations. Those are mine and I don’t find them too much to ask. If it’s difficult or the person doesn’t have the time or energy to do those things then that person shouldn’t be in a friend with benefits scenario with me. That’s all there is to that.
To be honest, I’m contemplating taking a break from men and sex altogether but that’s a story for a different day. Perhaps after I’ve contemplated the pros and cons of that choice in more detail. I’ll still masturbate though and maybe even film it (ask for more details on this if interested).
May all your relationships in whatever formations be healthy and stimulating in one way or the other.
For the majority of my life, I have hated the word horny.
Perhaps it was Austin Powers’ fault. You remember the “do I make you horny, baby?” line that he’d always say. It was kind of funny when he said it, but it was not funny when every immature asshole in my school when around quoting those movies all day long.
Why was that such a dude-phase? Is it still a dude phase? What movies are the pre-bros quoting now? I have so many questions and none of them have to do with this current topic of horniess, but I digress and regress.
As a writer I think a lot about words, often to the point where words start to sound like sounds and mean nothing whatsoever anymore, yet horny, ew, anyway you slice or dice it, no matter how many times you say it still rolls off the tongue in an unflattering way.
Based on my research on the etymology of sexual slang the word ‘horny’ comes from the most obvious of places– ‘of the horn,’ ‘the horn’ being slang for an erect penis.
It makes sense that men would call their erect penis’s horns. Let’s all admit though that comparably the human male has the saddest horn of all– only hard when sexually stimulated and even then only temporarily. And when they confront another horn with their horn it usually ends up in some weird sword fight situation over a toilet.
Yet, because of how language tends to change and shift over time, the word horny is now used by people of all genders to indicate their current state of high sexual arousal.
The truth of the matter is that there are not very many great words to use to describe being sexually aroused. Saying ‘I’m so aroused right now,‘ sounds ridiculous.
Amorous–comes from the root -amor which means love and has more of a passion-filled meaning behind it. “I’m feeling amorous,” also sounds weird.
‘Turned on’ is probably the most acceptable phrase.
Of course these days there’s some new slang hitting the sex world, “thirsty” comes to mind.
Frisky is nearly as bad as horny though it reminds me more of a state of a fluffy leg-humping dog than a person.
“Erotically charged,” might sound good on paper but to use it as a phrase to self-describe seems silly as well.
So here we all are back at horny.
I have no good replacement words or phrases. The only suggestion I can make is to skip the horny language and go straight to what you’re looking for– ‘give me that D,” or “come fuck my brains out,” or “I want you inside me,” etc. etc.
Feel free to comment below on sex words you find unsexy or give me suggestions on words to use instead of horny, I’ve been trying to find a good one for ages.
Also– if you’re feeling horny or you want to feel even hornier– join us on Patreon for more exclusives.
A couple of weeks ago my friend offered me her hot tub. This is one of those inflatable hot tubs that fits like 4 to 6 people. She said I could have it if I cleaned it out and found a way to get it to my house.
When I arrived the hot tub was deflated and covered in snow. Once I got the snow off I discovered that it also had two inches of solid ice gluing it to the ground.
I spent the entire afternoon boiling water trying to melt the ice while lightly hitting it with a hoe to break up the ice but not so heavy as to put a hole through the bottom of it.
Getting it to my house was another kind of disaster.
Eventually, I succeeded.
It was then, at my house that I remembered how the neighbors had decided to randomly build a new fence over the summer without telling us and how the construction workers had busted our outdoor pipe. They replaced it with some cheap PVC which busted during our first winter day.
One of my very helpful and thoughtful friends helped me repair the busted pipe.
I thought we were good to go, but the instructions on inflating the hot tub were ridiculous and I couldn’t figure it out. Another friend came along and assisted.
Finally, after more cleaning etc. I was able to start filling it up. That’s when we realized the pipe didn’t seal properly and half of the water coming out was going all over the ground.
I was determined after all of the bullshit just to get it there and setup that I was going to get that fucker working. I spent about four hours filling up the hot tub with 5-gallon buckets from the kitchen sink.
Then the weather shifted. It started to snow. The temperature dropped to like 10 degrees.
The hot tub refused to get hot.
I had a party, which was one of the main reasons I had decided to set up the hot tub to begin with. Instead of any of us sitting in it there was a long debate about how to make it hotter. Some of us started pouring boiling water in it. Others suggested heating up a stone to plop in there, a few of us wondering if a hot stone would be so hot as to burn a hole through the bottom.
In any event, none of it worked. It stayed at a steady 97 degrees until finally, several days later, once the weather improved, made its way to 102.
It was quite a disaster. And a rather boring story to be honest, but then I started to look at this entire situation as a symbol for my most recent past relationship.
All of this effort for a few moments of pleasure. Then it just turns into a time suck that wastes energy, resources, and requires daily maintenance for use. The pH balance has to be just right and you have to take care of the filter to keep debris, dirt, random objects from causing damage, decay, imbalance.
The question comes down to whether or not it’s worth it for something hot and heavy.
The answer for me is no.
I don’t need my relationships to be projects. I don’t need to put all my energy into something that gives very little in return.
I’m grateful for all the help I got along the way and I’m sure we will get some use out of it, but lesson learned.
Next time when I want to get wet I’ll just take a bath.