If You’re Happy and You Know It, You’re Probably Masturbating

woman's panties for sale

It’s Masturbation Monday!

or

Let’s Get Off Together, Alone

What better day to masturbate than the day after the weekend. You know that entire weekend where you didn’t get laid at all?! Or maybe you did– and now you have something to think about while you masturbate instead of just looking at porn hub. Either way, Monday is the perfect day to masturbate. Actually, any day ending in a Y is a good day to masturbate, but Monday and Masturbate both start with an M, so here we are, because … MMMMMM.

What is masturbation exactly?

Well, it’s different for every person out there, but essentially it’s when you take the time to pleasure yourself in a sexual manner. Does eating ice cream on the couch while watching Broad City count as masturbation?! I don’t know, did you experience any sort of orgasmic pleasure during the event? If so then yes, if not it’s perhaps is just pleasure for pleasure’s sake.

Moving on.

Why would a person masturbate?

Did you know that there are like a least three dozen reasons?

Some benefits of masturbation include:

  • Better Sleep
  • Stress Relief
  • Strengthens Your Pelvic Floor
  • Relieves Menstrual Cramps
  • Improves Your Immune System
  • Gets You More Intune With Your Body
  • Increases Self-Esteem

Oh, and you also get to have an orgasm without anyone else there to witness your O face. Oooo yes.

Plus, no one is there to give you an STI or look at you funny while you making those weird dolphin shrieks that for some reason get you off.

Yes, yes, yes! There are many reasons to masturbate. And now, every Monday I will be exploring the different realms of masturbation, from sex toy reviews to funny stories, to tips and tricks about getting off so you can move on with your day (or just go to sleep sooner).

Come on!

Indeed. Come to me and show me some support.

New to Go Eat A Carrot:

You can now trade with me! That’s right, from panties to pics to private convos, there’s something for everyone to get from me (if the price is right)! Check out my support page to get even closer to me (and help Go Eat a Carrot and Krystal herself continue to live on.)

Let’s all show ourselves some more love, yeah?

Happy Masturbation Monday 🙂

P.S.
May is also National Masturbation Month. I know I’m a little behind the times, but stay tuned next week for my favorite vibrator review!

What Was This Ghost Guy Thinking?

dude no

Ran Into a Ghost Last Night

Guess That Makes Him a Zombie?

Last night I went to my regular watering hole. This bar is just a few blocks down the street from me and it’s cheap, which means it’s dangerous but also the most fun.

While I was there with my friend and her not-boyfriend-boyfriend not one but TWO different guys I have had sexual relations in the past happened to wander in.

One made sense as he is my neighbor. And whatever, we still talk occasionally, no big deal.

The second one lives nowhere around here. He, in fact, was one of the many men who GHOSTED me in the past. Which was really fucking ironic or serendipitous or whatever as I had just written about ghosting two days ago. Maybe he knew and subconsciously felt left out since I failed to mention him in that post. Anyway, it had been over six months since I had seen, heard, or even thought about that guy.

I was at the bar ordering another drink (we will say it was my 5th but who keeps count these days?) when I noticed a quite attractive man a few stools down from me.

“You look familiar,” he said as he took a sip of his whiskey on the rocks.

I stare at him for a moment and then it hits me:

“Oh, indeed. That’s because we’ve fucked.”

His eyes go wide. He realizes it too.

“Oh! Yes. I guess that would be the reason.”

I move closer to him (he’s still looking as fine as the day we boned):

“I was just thinking about you the other day,” I say, “I was writing a blog about ghosting and I remembered you because we had this long philosophical conversation about dating and being open and honest and how ghosting was a bullshit form of not communicating. Remember that? Then, do you remember how I sent you some texts the next couple of days after and you never replied? Like, how you said you’d never ghost and then you did just that?! That was hilarious!!”

He furrows his brow:

“That doesn’t sound like something I’d do,” he insists.

Fast-forward to today and this text exchange where he informed he was now back with his ex-wife. But, here’s the kicker, he continued:

“I wouldn’t say it’s entirely accurate that I’m not into you.”

They are not in an open relationship.

I’m trying to understand the male brain here.

We went out a couple of times. We had sex. We stopped talking. We run into each other and have a casual conversation. Then he texts me to tell me he’s back with his ex but he might still be into me?!

If I were his ex-wife I would have stayed an ex because of this kind of behavior.

Exes are exes for a reason.

There’s this meme:

mcdonalds fries
True or False?

I’m not saying it’s ALWAYS bad. I’m sure there are circumstances where reuniting after spending time on personal growth might make it more reasonable and likely for success.

But… if you’re with someone monogamously and you’re thinking about how you might possibly be into someone else… perhaps that’s a sign that the two of you aren’t right for each other?

Or maybe he’s the type of guy who likes to have a serious relationship but then get fresh hot fries on the side?

Yes, I like sex. I am a slut. I enjoy hot fresh fries just as much as the next person, but I do have boundaries. I even have morals if you can believe it. And even if this guy and his ex-wife end up apart again (and they will as that’s pretty apparent) I could not, would not want to ever take a bite of his fries.

I can forgive a ghost (cuz they dead). I can’t accept a zombie though, because I enjoy having my brains intact.

Anyone have a different opinion on the matter? Am I reading it wrong? Did I just waste a bunch of time thinking about this? Probs.

A #MeToo Story with a Revenge Twist Ending

me too

 

When boys will be boys, girls will be girls

or

Revenge Never Tasted So Sweet


I hit puberty at a fairly young age.

I don’t blame the hormone-laced barely edible chicken tenders they served regularly or the 2% hormone-infused milk they forced us to drink every day during lunch at my rural Kansas grade-school. I don’t BLAME that, though let’s all admit that it could have helped move it along.

In any event, by 6th grade I had grown to the height and weight and boob size that I still am today. In other words, my breasts were at eye level to pretty much every guy in my class.

Even as these guys went through puberty themselves they never forgot that I had boobs.

In fact, they liked to remind me every day that I had boobs. And an ass. And sometimes they even reminded me that I had a vagina!

How did they do this reminding, you may wonder?

Well, not only did they talk to me about my body parts, but they thought it was perfectly okay to grab my breasts and my ass and sometimes even my vagina whenever they were near my breasts, ass, vagina– which was at least every day during P.E. and sometimes in the hallway, in the classroom, when we were all at sporting events etc.

Now, I was nothing special.

I wasn’t the prettiest girl in the class nor was I the girl with the biggest breasts.

Sometimes I wonder if those girls were harassed more or less than me. More because they were prettier or had bigger breasts or less because it was too obvious because of their beauty or their breasts.

We didn’t discuss it.

I only talked to my best friend about it. She didn’t get harassed or assaulted. She said it was because she didn’t have any boobs; I think it was because her dad was the dudes’ P.E. teacher. (Those boys were dumb, but they weren’t complete idiots.)

I was a target.

I was a target of their torment.

I was not fond of being a target of torment. Who would be?

So I did what I had been taught to do. I told an authority figure what was going on. The first authority figure I told was my P.E. teacher, an older woman who had also been my mother’s P.E. teacher.

Guess how she responded?

Oh yeah, you got it.

She told me:

“Krystal, as you know, boys will be boys.”

And that was that on that.

So, I then went to my school counselor, also a woman, guess what she said?!

Mhmm. (There is a theme here.)

“Krystal as you know, boys will be boys!”

Such an interesting way to deal with the problems of sexual assault. Totally worked! Oh yeah, letting boys grab girls boobs and butts and vaginas because they’re just being boys is definitely a good strategy. It worked so well that at least several of these boys who were being boys turned out to be men who rape.

That’s right. ‘Boys will be boys’ turn into ‘men who rape’. Not all of them of course, but one is plenty, two is too many, three is just ridiculous. And since I know for a fact that more than three boys left our school system to become rapists I will say that the whole, “boys will be boys” mentality isn’t how we should be raising our boys.

Anyhoo. I’m not a parent or a teacher so what the fuck do I know? Surely, listening to girls when they say something is wrong or even teaching people how to respect each other is too much to ask of our authority figures?

Just want to say a big FUCK YOU to the authority figures who chose to disregard the fact that I was daily being sexually assaulted.

me too
Seriously, fuck you authority figures that do not listen to their students.

 

Don’t worry you all. This is where it turns and gets good.

I decided to take matters into my own hands. I decided I would seek REVENGE!!!

This is the part of the story that’s hard to tell. I know what I did was wrong, but to be clear, I felt the need to protect myself. I felt the need to teach these boys a lesson since no one else seemed capable of doing it.

Now, this is where I become both impressed and totally fucking scared of my former self.

I decided to kill them with kindness.

I began baking them cookies.

That’s right. About once a month I would bring cookies in for everyone to eat after lunch. Chocolate chip cookies, brownies, sugar cookies, you name it, I baked it. These boys got quite used to me being sweet. So sweet. So very fucking sweet.

Until of course, the last time I brought in cookies. No-bake cookies. Cookies that may or may not have been laced with chocolate ex-lax.

You see, these boys made me feel like shit every single day of my life from the time I was 12 to well even today when I think about it. All I wanted was for them for one moment in time to feel what it felt like to feel like shit. And the only way I could think of for that to happen was if they literally shit themselves.

The greediest ones were the ones who suffered the most. You know what the bible says about greed– it’s like a deadly sin and shit.

And shit they did.

One guy was fixing a roof when it hit him. I’m not sure if he made it to the toilet in time. Another guy was on the john for three hours. One girl came up to me the next day and said to me, “I know what you did to those cookies and I just wanted to let you know they did NOTHING to me!”

“So, you’re still full of shit?” I said.

She huffed away.

See, I couldn’t NOT allow anyone to eat the cookies. There were some innocent people who had to suffer with them, and I do apologize for that. My best friend even ate one KNOWING that they held a secret shitty ingredient just because she didn’t want to rouse suspension– a real trouper of a best friend.

What happened after?

Well, they started leaving me the fuck alone.

No one told any authority figures either. They must have realized that they were being punished for their past behaviors. Or maybe they were smart enough to know that the authority figures would only respond with, “girls will be girls!”

And I beg you all to keep that in mind. If you continue to allow your male children to get away with inappropriate behavior because of course, “boys will be boys.” Do not be surprised when girls start behaving like girls and take matters into their own hands. Or their own cookies, if need be.

Is there a solution for couples who have differing sex drives?

polyamory saves sexual incompatibility

Whether Your Sex Drive is High, Low, Or Medium Rare

Could Polyamory Save Sexually Incompatible Relationships?

I have always had an exceptionally high sex drive. The kind of high sex drive that would hump anything that happens to be in the same room when it revs up (here’s looking at you couch cushion… jk I’ve never done that… but now I’m thinking about it).

My sex drive is so high that when they put me on Prozac for depression I was actually excited when the doctor told me it could interfere with my desire to have sex. I was like, please Goddess, please interfere with my desire. And it did. Oh yes. I went from an extremely high sex drive to an above average sex drive.

In other words, I only wanted to hump whatever was in the room 80% of the time instead of 95%, which of course led me to get a few other things done–something I really cherished.

Of course, because I’m terribly stubborn and think I can overcome my depression and high-sex drive all by myself I have yet again stopped taking the Prozac and am back up to 95%.

Luckily I have Tinder and vibrators and fingers (and couches now I guess) oh yes, and the occasional person I’ve slept with before who happens to want to have sex with me again for some reason (probably not for my personality, but who really knows these days).

In any event. My sex drive is HIGH. Not as high as say Snoop Dogg on 420, but high nonetheless. Maybe as high as Ilana from Broad City when she’s hanging out in the bathroom stall during work. I have never dated a person with a sex drive as high as mine. In fact, several if not many of my relationships have ended because our levels of sexual desire were not compatible. In other words, they can’t fuck me enough*.

I’ve tried to get over it. That’s why I took up running and yoga. Reading and writing. Extreme masturbation (not sure what that is but it sounds like something I’d do). I tried just getting over it. I tried being happy with what I got. I always wanted more though. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m built. Whatever. I like sex. I like a lot of sex. Almost everyone likes sex to some degree (minus the asexual people, which you do your thing and I’ll do mine, okay?).

So what do you do when you find someone you’re compatible with that has a totally different sex drive than yours?

Many relationship experts say that if you’re not sexually compatible than you should break up, move on, not even bother trying to work it out because you’ll always be disappointed one way or the other when it comes to getting your freak on (either too much in an attempt to please your partner or not enough in an attempt to please your partner).

But what if there was a solution?

This morning I started reading the book More Than Two (A practical guide to ethical polyamory). In the first chapter the authors write:

“Some people go into poly to have more sex; some people go into poly to have less sex.”

It’s weird because I’ve been reading theory and advice and having discussions on polyamory and monogamy for like, basically a decade now and probably because I myself have a high sex drive never had even considered that it could also work out well for people with LOW sex drives.

Let’s say that I want to have sex an average of about 5 to 7 times a week. My partner X is only really down for sex about 3 to 4 times a week. If we’re in polyamorous relationships then I could have another partner, Y, that was able to help me get off more and help X not have to have as much sex. And then Y can have sex with someone else too or just with K depending on Y’s sex drive levels.

K + X + Y = sexual fulfillment for all…

This is just a hypothetical scenario. But it COULD be a better option than ending a relationship just because one element is not aligned.

Does anyone else have an opinion on this matter?

Anyone else struggle with a low or high sex drive that makes it so you’re often not sexually compatible with your partner?

What have you done to find balance?

Would you consider polyamory as a solution?

 

Also, side note…

Many of you claim to read my blog on occasion. Awesome. Thank you! If you’d like, you can follow it. You can subscribe to my youtube channel and you can also follow me on Instagram to get updates as often as I update… which is usually daily unless I’m hungover.

 

*Admittedly when I was in the long-term 5+ years monogamous my sex drive did finally die, but that’s a story for another day… one I will prob never tell because I just told the gist of it.

 

Ducking. More Profane Than Fucking?

ducking fine

Duck Sex Is Fucked Up Sex

or

Why You Should Never Tell Anyone to Duck Off!

This morning I went for a run through City Park. It was a gorgeous morning, all the flowers were in bloom, the pollen count was very high, the birds were squawking extra loud, this dude was playing some strange instrument I had never seen before that looks sort of like a saxophone had sex with an industrialized accordion.

It was a great morning.

Then I sat down on my favorite bench at Duck Lake to watch the excitement that always takes place on goth bird island. That’s the little patch of land in the middle of the puddle they call a lake where all these blackbirds sit in these gnarly twisted trees and scream and fly and party all day. Duck Lake may be my favorite place in all of Denver. I am not recommending that you go there. Duck Lake is MY place and I enjoy my peace and loud off-key bird songs.

Anyway. Why I was there I started thinking about ducks. Then I started thinking about how most of our phones are always trying to change “Fuck” into “Duck” and how that’s ducking annoying.

After that, I started thinking about duck sex and how fucked up duck sex is and how when our phones change the word “fuck” to “duck our technology is actually doing something WAY more disturbing.

Check this out.

Male ducks have sex with a corkscrew penis. Not only that, but they are known to be one of the most rapey animals on this planet. They’re so rapey that female ducks have overtime created defense mechanisms like fake vaginas or trap doors or dead ends so that when they get raped they can be sure to NOT fertilize the eggs with the rape-ducks sperm. This leads to a 3% possibility that these rapey male ducks will reproduce with the female duck they just raped.

These females are pretty fucking badass. BUT, here’s some other fucked up things about male ducks. Some species of male ducks have barbs on their penises to “scrum away competing sperm.” Barbs? On the penis? Fuck that! No thanks. Pass. If I were a duck I’d be a lesbian duck for real.

Finally. One more fucked up thing about male ducks. According to the Buzzfeed article I just read on the matter:

“The more forced copulation a duck engages in, the longer the males’ penises tend to be, according to a 2010 study in Proceedings of the Royal Society B.
In fact, male ducks grow a new penis every year (yes, you read that right). Which means they can vary the length depending on that year’s competition.”

I am sitting over here feeling devastated. I thought it was bad the first time I heard about it, then as I researched it further it just got worse, it got way grosser.

So when someone tells you to “duck off” be extra careful; what they could mean is that they want you to get corkscrew-penis raped by a bird.

Your only reply will have to be, “enjoy my trap-door-pussy, duckdick!”

I don’t know.

This is the thing I have been thinking about all day.

Please do not go duck yourself.

But fuck yourself all day if that’s what you’re into.

Kings and Queens and Lovers of Oral Sex, Unite!

eat more carrots and peaches and tacos

Why Kings Should Eat Pussy

or

Another Reason to Stay Away from Marriage in the Patriarchy

I’ve been thinking about this DJ Khaled situation. The one where he says he won’t perform oral sex on his wife because he’s a King and since he’s the King she still has to blow him.

Seems like most of us have the same opinion about this being bullshit.

It wouldn’t be bullshit if he just didn’t like performing oral sex, but the reason he doesn’t do it is because he thinks that she doesn’t deserve sexual pleasure. At least that is the interpretation. Because he provides for her financially that is seemingly good enough for him. Because he provides financially she is “required” to suck his dick. Hmm?! Interesting.

And people can’t seem to follow the concept that marriage and prostitution share similar traits. Oh sure, one is sanctioned Under God and the other I guess technically Under the Devil but getting paid to be with someone is all basically the same thing, whether you’re getting paid to be with someone for a night or you’re getting paid to be with someone for a life.

Neither is wrong necessarily, but it is what it.

I was in a discussion with Tinder date the other night. He claims that marriage is rooted in spirituality. I claim that marriage is rooted in social and financial status. That is, two people married to unite families in order to make more money and boost power. Perhaps we’re both right in our own ways. Maybe we’re both wrong. Yet, married is NOT rooted in love, of course some people get married because of love but that’s not the only reason for marriage in the history of marriage. The king/queen thing is quite interesting, considering we don’t live in that time period anymore.

If you’re using those words symbolically to mean that you are above other people then you’d know that being above other people actually means that you give pleasure and thoughtfulness and kindness to others– particularly to your lovers (and that you don’t actually think you’re above anyone, but that’s a different story).

  1. I don’t know if I could ever get married.
  2. I don’t know if I could ever get married to someone who hated to eat pussy.
  3. I could be with someone who hated to eat pussy but was cool with other people eating my pussy.
  4. If I did ever get married though I’m pretty sure that person would have to love eating pussy as much as I love oral sex.
  5. Maybe I haven’t gotten married or even had a partner in such a long time because no one seems to be capable of rising to my level of sluttiness.
  6. I know you’re out there though. Kings and Queens of Slutsville hit me up, not necessarily to get married but we could pretend to be royalty together for a night.

WTF is New Relationship Energy?

polyamory and new relationships

New Relationship Energy v. Old Relationship Energy

or

How do you navigate new relationships while maintaining your current ones?

I went on this Tinder date the other night with this guy (who was super hot btw) and somehow we got into the discussion of polyamory v. monogamy. I’m going to save part of our conversation regarding the origin of marriage for another day and instead discuss the polyamorous concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

New Relationship Energy is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; it’s that overwhelming crushing feeling, that OMG this other person is so rad feeling, it’s like fucking rainbows and birds chirping happy songs and everything being amazing because you like someone and that someone likes you back! You’re basically on a drug called Love, which can be stronger than the strongest coke. It’s intoxicating. It’s ecstatic. It’s delicious.

I made a comment about how within open relationships New Relationship Energy can help spark the flame in the relationships people already have. My date didn’t really believe me. When I got home I opened up the Ethical Slut. I got on a few poly blogs. They didn’t believe me either.

Everyone seems to be screaming loud warnings about the dangers of New Relationship Energy.

They claim it can be distracting. It can cause you to do really stupid things. It can lead you to ignore other relationships (friends, lovers, family), it can cause you to fuck up a lot at work. Some people even get addicted to NRE and cannot seem to ever have a long-lasting committed relationship because once the energy calms down they want more of it. They want to do it again. It feels SO good. (Some may claim I’m an NRE-addict but really people just can’t handle being around me long-term).

Regardless of all of these warnings of which I agree can totally happen, I also still believe my own point of view that NRE can actually help make current relationships healthier too.

For an example in mainstream media, consider the show Easy (Netflix). Season 2, Episode 2, “Open Marriage.” In it, a couple who has been in a monogamous marriage for like 20ish years decides to open it up. The thought alone causes them both to get really excited and in turn, have better sex. The guy even said, “we should have opened our marriage up a long time ago!” Now, of course, they hadn’t even experience NRE at that point, they were experiencing the IDEA of experiencing NRE and that alone was enough to excite them.

But isn’t that just it. The idea that someone new finds you interesting and attractive reminds you of what you find interesting and attractive about yourself and all the relationships you currently have going on. Sure, the NRE can be distracting because you’re trying to learn all you can about this new person in your life. But, if you remember to take a breath, step by, give time to your other relationships, those relationships can see an added boost in connection as well.

So, yeah, people in the poly community say to approach the NRE with caution. And though I agree on some level, I also think people should fully embrace this energy and use it to propel their new relationships and their current relationships to the next level.
Poly people talk about compersion… which is the concept of feeling happiness for someone else’s happiness and though it might be difficult to see someone you love falling for someone else it can also be beautiful. (It also does not have to exist in just the poly community alone, monogamous people can feel this way too). Challenging, sure. Overcoming jealousy and the fear of abandonment is not easy, particularly in a society that promotes scarcity and owning other people. But, it can be done and the benefits of embracing compersion and new relationship energy (whether yours or someone you love) outweighs the drawbacks.

As for the date? It ended with us belting out 90s pop songs and making out, so I’d say it was a success all around, even if it probably won’t lead to a new relationship of any kind, but the energy of that night was fantastic (and did I mention he was really hot?)