WTF is New Relationship Energy?

polyamory and new relationships

New Relationship Energy v. Old Relationship Energy

or

How do you navigate new relationships while maintaining your current ones?

I went on this Tinder date the other night with this guy (who was super hot btw) and somehow we got into the discussion of polyamory v. monogamy. I’m going to save part of our conversation regarding the origin of marriage for another day and instead discuss the polyamorous concept of New Relationship Energy (NRE).

New Relationship Energy is pretty much exactly what it sounds like; it’s that overwhelming crushing feeling, that OMG this other person is so rad feeling, it’s like fucking rainbows and birds chirping happy songs and everything being amazing because you like someone and that someone likes you back! You’re basically on a drug called Love, which can be stronger than the strongest coke. It’s intoxicating. It’s ecstatic. It’s delicious.

I made a comment about how within open relationships New Relationship Energy can help spark the flame in the relationships people already have. My date didn’t really believe me. When I got home I opened up the Ethical Slut. I got on a few poly blogs. They didn’t believe me either.

Everyone seems to be screaming loud warnings about the dangers of New Relationship Energy.

They claim it can be distracting. It can cause you to do really stupid things. It can lead you to ignore other relationships (friends, lovers, family), it can cause you to fuck up a lot at work. Some people even get addicted to NRE and cannot seem to ever have a long-lasting committed relationship because once the energy calms down they want more of it. They want to do it again. It feels SO good. (Some may claim I’m an NRE-addict but really people just can’t handle being around me long-term).

Regardless of all of these warnings of which I agree can totally happen, I also still believe my own point of view that NRE can actually help make current relationships healthier too.

For an example in mainstream media, consider the show Easy (Netflix). Season 2, Episode 2, “Open Marriage.” In it, a couple who has been in a monogamous marriage for like 20ish years decides to open it up. The thought alone causes them both to get really excited and in turn, have better sex. The guy even said, “we should have opened our marriage up a long time ago!” Now, of course, they hadn’t even experience NRE at that point, they were experiencing the IDEA of experiencing NRE and that alone was enough to excite them.

But isn’t that just it. The idea that someone new finds you interesting and attractive reminds you of what you find interesting and attractive about yourself and all the relationships you currently have going on. Sure, the NRE can be distracting because you’re trying to learn all you can about this new person in your life. But, if you remember to take a breath, step by, give time to your other relationships, those relationships can see an added boost in connection as well.

So, yeah, people in the poly community say to approach the NRE with caution. And though I agree on some level, I also think people should fully embrace this energy and use it to propel their new relationships and their current relationships to the next level.
Poly people talk about compersion… which is the concept of feeling happiness for someone else’s happiness and though it might be difficult to see someone you love falling for someone else it can also be beautiful. (It also does not have to exist in just the poly community alone, monogamous people can feel this way too). Challenging, sure. Overcoming jealousy and the fear of abandonment is not easy, particularly in a society that promotes scarcity and owning other people. But, it can be done and the benefits of embracing compersion and new relationship energy (whether yours or someone you love) outweighs the drawbacks.

As for the date? It ended with us belting out 90s pop songs and making out, so I’d say it was a success all around, even if it probably won’t lead to a new relationship of any kind, but the energy of that night was fantastic (and did I mention he was really hot?)

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Exploring Polyamory, Monogamy, and Open Relationships Part 1

monogamy is dead

More Than One Relationship?

or

Can’t Even Get One Relationship.

As many of you know from following my writing in the past, I’ve extensively discussed theories of monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships in general.

Many of you ask what I prefer.

Here I talk about it if you don’t want to read (I lost my new video so these are from a different night when I was slightly intoxicated):

Here I write about it if you do want to read:

To be completely real with you all, I’m not typically in something long enough to ever find out.

Sure, this says something about me. It says that I’m picky and the people that I like are seemingly pickier than I am. I can easily rub people the wrong way, right after I rub them the right way, if you get what I’m saying.

Relationship-wise I would be good with a boyfriend and a girlfriend and the occasional one night stand.

Or a boyfriend OR a girlfriend and the occasional one night stand.

Currently, I am participating in none of the above. I go on dates. I don’t think I’ve had a one night stand in months though; they’ve at least lasted two to three nights, hahaha.

Sometimes my roommate and I get drunk together and make-out. She has a boyfriend and her boyfriend has a boyfriend, so in that realm, I suppose you could say I’m polyamorous. Though not really.

Though maybe.

It’s easier to say I’m open to the possibilities.

Open to the possibilities of everything in life–sex, politics, opinions, sandwiches. I’m open to learning, growing, figuring my shit out, not trying to define myself one way or the other. Yet, I’m still fascinated by it all.

It is my current opinion that monogamy is not for everyone and should not even be the default relationship structure of our society. It’s rooted in scarcity, guilt, jealousy and capitalism, which are just not the greatest features to carry out intimacies with another person.

Yet, time is a real thing and relationships are hard work. When you add multiple relationships to the mix it gets harder and harder. So much communication. So much scheduling. So much talk talk talking about feelings and shit.

Mostly I like the idea that people can decide for themselves what’s best for them. I’m still trying to uncover that for myself. I know, I know, I’ve been trying to uncover it for at least 10 years, but at least I’m actively attempting to understand.

My sex drive is higher than average and I read too many books and intimidate pretty much every guy I meet soooooo here I am, keepin on. Considering taking a break from men and sticking with women for awhile, even though I do like my carrots there are plenty of other tasty things to eat in the world.

Perhaps I’m just tired. I haven’t even had any coffee yet today. . .

Here are some book suggestions on polyamory if you’re interested in exploring further:

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