Cheating–it’s a touchy subject, but a subject that has been on my mind for quite some time. Admittedly, I have cheated, been cheated on, and been the person who someone has cheated on someone else with. Does this mean that I live in a valueless world full of people who have no morals? Maybe. Though, not exactly.
Are only people who have no values the ones who cheat? No. Plenty of mostly morally-okay people have been known to dip in where they don’t belong.
Is cheating just a whim brought on by desire to fulfill sexual needs? Seems much more rare than mainstream movies would have you believe.
Of course, there are a plethora of reasons why a person cheats. They could do it because they’re bored. They could do it because they’re lonely within a stagnant relationship. They could do it because they’re a sociopath who cares not about the damage they’re creating. They could do it because they’re selfish or stupid or because they think they can get away with it.
But what seems to be at the root of many cheating scenarios is a flirtation with freedom, a renegotiation of self, a statement that says, ‘no one owns me,’ or ‘see, I can still do what I want.’ In a way, it’s the creation of an ‘out.’
If I do this terrible thing then I can get out of this relationship at any time. All I’d have to do is come clean.
This “secret” is more of a key that will unlock the door to the possibility of no longer being in the relationship they’re in.
Why do people do this?
Fear. Insecurity. Not fully trusting themselves. Not investing 100% in another because they think deep down that they could never truly be loved. Causing pain before the other person can cause it first. An upper hand. A backup plan.
In other words, self-sabotage.
We see it often in relationships where one person is too clingy; we see it in relationships where one person is too distant. And honestly, that line is a fine one. Every person has their own level of need, space, attachment. Can we blame it on that, no. But, we’re talking about root causes of human behavior, we’re not talking about whether it’s a good or bad choice.
Yet, just because a person cheats on another person does not mean they do not love the person they’re in a relationship with. This culture puts almost too-much weight on fidelity–hence why people use it as an out.
As anyone who has used Tinder can attest, it is possible to have sex without attachment.
Vice versa to that, it’s possible to have attachment without sex.
And even going further, it’s possible to be in love with someone you have sex with and also have sex with people you’re not in love with.
The core of the issue is not about sex. It’s the value-systems in place. Can I trust this person? Will this person abandon me? Can I rely on this person to be there for me to help when I need it, to celebrate my wins? Etc.
So cheating, in essence, is more a violation of these values. Is there a way to hold those values and have sex with other people? Certainly.
I’ll explore more of the topic of cheating to come. It’s a complicated one, full of twists and turns.
Join my Patreon for exclusives AND stay tuned for a Freaky Fan Friday cheater confession that you’ll only see there!
A Review of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating
Sometimes I wonder how or why my friends put up with me.
For instance, one of them has Showtime on Demand and for the past couple of weeks I have been going over to his house and binge-watching the crap about of Polyamory: Married & Dating until we finally finished the second season a few nights ago.
I don’t know what kept us going, except perhaps our mutual hatred for the show.
It came out in 2012 & 2013 so I get that I’m way behind the times but that’s what I get for not having Showtime (I also have missed out on The Knick, but that’s a different story for a different day).
Here’s what I’ve been saying for the longest time regarding monogamy v. polyamory–who cares they both suck and they’re both wonderful for their own reasons.
I’ve had plenty of media exposure to monogamous structures that have made me want to not be monogamous, but this was the first time I got to watch a show that made me feel real turned off by the idea of polyamory too.
I don’t know.
Showtime seemed to be trying too hard to make it sexy. It was also pretty heteronormative (and white and middle class). Two male/female married couples living and playing together in a pod, and two triads both with one male and two females. In other words they could all pass as monogamous if they wanted to.
That was the other thing that bothered me about the show. There was so much monogamy-shaming. Like, one of the beautiful elements of polyamory is the idea that you can create your own script, that you can form relationships how you want to–not how society attempts to define you–and yet many of these people seemed to think that showing even the slightest bit of monogamous behavior was BAD.
Or they would use monogamy-shaming to get what they wanted, for example, Michael basically manipulated Kamala into sharing her girlfriend to prove she was still poly (a reoccuring theme).
When you’re poly you can have relationships with people without those people having relationships with other people you’re having relationships with. The guy clearly just wanted to have a threesome with two attractive women.
Which brings me to my next point. The women seemed to actually desire deep emotional connections with multiple people while the men seemed to desire straight up sex with as many people as they could get. The truth is that both ways are fine–if those ways are understood, but they never quite seemed to get there.
Now, I don’t know if some of these situations actually unfolded as we were shown or if the editors cut them a particular way to add more drama/suspense, but I do know that regardless it brought up two major things regarding human behavior that I found fascinating. Not only that, but it made me reflect upon my own life and examine how often I do similar things.
The Two Human Behaviors I Learned From Polyamory: Married & Dating
People hear the things they want to hear not the things people actually say
My friend and I basically spent every episode yelling at the TV– “that’s NOT what he/she said.” We probably did this a million times. It was crazy how you’d listen to two people talk to each other and then later they’d make up sentences totally contradictory to the words you heard before.
I do not want you to go on a date with my girlfriend. If you’d like to have tea and chat I think that would be nice.
Person 2 [Later]: I can’t wait to go on my date with Person 1’s girlfriend, I hope we get to snuggle!
This show made me want to become a better listener. So, at least something was gained.
2. People will convince themselves of the most bullshit of bullshit when they’re trying to accept their own bad behavior (or the bad behavior of someone they love)
Kamala gives her new love interest a bj without her husband’s consent when they explicitly discussed how the two would not have sex until there was a verbal agreement regarding that activity. Her husband walks in on them while the blow job is happening and then Kamala pulls a Bill Clinton claiming they had not defined “what sex is,” –which came as quite a shock to me hearing that from a licensed sex therapist who clearly knows better.
I don’t even want to get started on the Tahl / Jen relationship; I will say this, he acted quite weasley and often found himself caught in a lie of his own doing and I wish she would have gotten out of that sooner.
But that’s the thing. We put up with a lot of bullshit when we’re in love with someone else. What polyamory should be teaching everyone regardless of their relationship structure choices is that COMMUNICATION is of utmost importance.
Sure, it might be painful to say the things you need to say and it might hurt even more to hear the things you don’t want to hear, but we’re talking about healthy relationships here.
No matter what you choose, monogamy, polyamory, asexual hermit cave-living, single and slutty-in-the-city living, etc. it all comes down to knowing what you want and establishing the boundaries you need to make your relationships healthy.
May we all find our words and our ears.
Another shout out to my friend for putting up with my bullshit and watching this show with me.
Get exclusives on my Patreon, if that’s the thing you’re into.
There’s Good Reason Why So Many Of Us Have Built a Wall Around Ourselves
Recently I had my heart ripped out of my chest again. My best friend has told me on countless occasions that I trust people too easily. I know she is right, but I also have never been able to overcome this trait I have. Regardless of whether I’m making a new friend or developing a new romantic relationship, I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I trust them until they prove to otherwise be untrustworthy. This is not uncommon behavior, most of us do this. Why wouldn’t we do this? There has to be some faith in both the self and the other that the bonds that are being built are being built on solid honest ground.
And yet, it’s so interesting how quickly a good relationship can turn bad when that trust we hand over so easily shatters.
The question is, can it be repaired?
Of course, it can, we even can see examples in mainstream media every day, see Beyonce and Jay-Z, Hillary and Bill, etc.
The deeper question comes down to whether or not both parties involved really want to repair it.
When someone does something hurtful to someone else the person being hurt has to understand that this is not a reflection of who they are, but a question of who the other person doing the hurting is.
How good was the relationship prior to this pain? Are both of you willing to do the work to overcome it?
Of course, I can’t help but feel duped, humiliated, made to look stupid. The thought of going through those feelings again is enough to make me run far far away and never look back. It’s not that I can’t forgive him for his terrible behavior–I can. I’m questioning whether I can trust myself to give him another chance and risk going through all of those emotions again. I’m not a big fan of those emotions, who is? I think of what my friends would do, would say to me. I think of what I’d say to my friends if something similar happened to them and I know I’d tell them to tell the guy to “fuck off,” (which I actually did do, quite loudly at 5 am in the morning but that’s a digression).
I think of the future. I think, what if I forgive this guy and he does it again? Not only would I be mad at myself but I’d be embarrassed, ashamed for being so easily manipulated.
I don’t understand liars. I’ve always been way too honest, to a fault even. My lack of a filter has gotten me in trouble many many times, yet I prefer it to living any other way. Sometimes I forget how other people don’t do this. How other people so often lie to get what they want.
That’s the other thing that confuses me. Why lie to get what you want? And what benefit does it serve to lie to the person you like romantically? If you’re so comfortable with that that you’re no longer interested in being with them, why not just break it off? If you’re so bored that you want to be with someone else after a month why not just say “girl, bye?” If you want to do whatever you want and get away with it, why be in a relationship at all?
The thing is you can’t do whatever you want when you’re in relationships with other people. Not if you care about them anyway. Sometimes you have to suck it up and do the thing you don’t really want to do, whether it’s going to their company’s BBQ even though you hate all their coworkers, making breakfast even though you’re both dying of a hangover, or you know, not hitting on their roommate even if the roommate is so damn cool and fine. It’s called basic human decency. Relationships require that as a bare minimum.
So yeah, here I am, in kind of a conundrum.
There were so many good things happening and I miss that, I miss him, I miss us. Yet, I can’t be with a liar. I can’t be with someone who does whatever he wants with no regard for the other person. If he can prove that that is not who he is at his core (or his surface even). If he could actually do the work, show real remorse and take positive action to repair all this then maybe.
Yet, then again, maybe I’m too easy and need to learn how to be a bit “more hard”.
Sometimes a glass of bourbon is exactly what the doctor ordered
Bulleit Bourbon Whiskey to the Rescue
Alright, world. Here’s the deal. I met someone. We hit it off. Then it got rather turbulent and we are currently on a break.
I haven’t been talking about it because I am not sure if I’m even seeing all of the events from the past couple of months that clearly.
I met this thoughtful and kind man at an after-hours party a few months ago. A big group of us left the after-hours party and continued to party well into the next afternoon. Queens and queers and freaks and weirdos were all gathered at my house. We drank every last drop of alcohol we had here and then we went and got more. We raged.
That kind of raging was fun.
The other kind of rage, not so much.
Turns out the guy that I really got into has an even bigger temper than me. This is saying a lot. If you’ve followed any of my past writing you might recall that I’ve done a lot of work trying to overcome my anger (you can even read all about it in the article I wrote titled, Republicans, Rapists, Real Women: How I’m Reprogramming Anger).
We’re both fire. Short-fused. Competitive.
Of course, we’re also both thoughtful, compassionate, kind (he maybe more so on the last trait).
A series of anger-induced incidents was the last straw for me.
I can’t handle feeling powerless. I can’t handle always being on the defensive. I can’t handle being one-up’ed every single time I ever tell a story. It becomes exhausting.
He’s told me that he loves me. He’s told me I’m his world. Yet, how can I let someone in that can turn on a dime and act out irrationally at random intervals?
Believe me, I know I am not perfect. I am cranky (particularly in the morning). I am stubborn. I suffer from resting bitch face.
I’m also weird. I read a lot, which doesn’t necessarily make me smart but it makes me smarter than I used to be. I have the sense of humor of a thirteen-year-old boy. I take pics with over-sized phallic-shaped foods on a regular basis. I don’t shower as much as I probably should. I can compartmentalize. I can be cold. I can be the life of the party or not want to be around anyone at all.
So yes, it takes a strong soul to handle me.
I also can only handle so much myself and what I cannot tolerate are unnecessary outbursts, temper tantrums, failing to communicate both the logistics of specific situations as well as feelings etc. connected to them.
No one should be in a relationship where they fear how the other person will respond or fear how they could snap at something small at any moment. If you can’t handle little issues then the big ones are going to be hella hard.
So this Thirsty Thursday, I drink a drink to honor all that we had and all that we could have. I’m not giving up completely, but I am distancing myself to better understand my own needs/wants/desires while he does the same. Anger is an energy and when put to proper use it can help change the world for the better, but if it’s anger that reveals itself as unnecessary rage, well that just hurts the entire world and all the people directly (and indirectly) who witness it.
May you quench your thirst on this Thursday and every other day. Thanks for reading my love life update, now go eat a carrot already!
Want to help me through this rough time? I enjoy gifts. Feel free to send me something special from my Amazon Wish List.
A Review of More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory
Can Non-Monogamy Work and Can Any Book Actually Help People Get There?
First of all, let’s get this out of the way. I started exploring the concepts of non-monogamy, polyamory, and open relationships many years ago. You can read a plethora of articles on these topics from when I wrote for elephant journal way back in the day.
At this point in my life I can not claim to be polyamorous nor can I claim to be monogamous.
I am somewhere in the middle.
Recently, I even had a boyfriend for all of about ten days; we had made an agreement that we could still have random casual sex on occasion and that we could also explore group sex together if that sort of event became available. Unfortunately, we never got to that point before some incidents occurred in which we are now in different time-out corners (perhaps I’ll go into this a bit more after I’ve had more time to process it).
Anyway, I know quite a few polyamorous people and as someone who is trying to create my own relationship scripts, it’s interesting to see what and how other people do romantic and intimate relationships.
More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory is one of those poly-classic books. There are people who live by its every word; people who take certain parts and apply those; and some people who disregard all the information in it entirely.
I started reading it over ten weeks ago. I am pissed about how long it took me to get through to be perfectly honest. Mostly, because I had started the year attempting to read a book a week and now I am ten books behind. I won’t blame it entirely on the book itself. The summer heat didn’t help. Nor did my budding romance.
So here we are now, finally.
What did I think?
Is it worth the read?
Would I recommend it to polyamorous beginners?
What about non-poly people?
Yes and no to all of that.
The book is broken into five parts. Regardless of whether you’re non-monogamous, open, closed, polyamorous, gay, straight, pansexual, etc. I believe that everyone should at least read Part Two: A Poly Toolkit. This section is all about understanding the self, diving deeper into the art of communication, and living with integrity.
The authors (Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert) make many excellent points in this section of the book that resonate with improving any and all types of relationships.
What I’ve learned through my own experiences is that it doesn’t matter if you’re dating one person or 10; if you have weak communication skills you’re going to have weak relationships.
Communicating well is not easy either. I surely have plenty of work to do, but I’m at least acknowledging where I’m at; I can see the gaps. I can admit I’m not close to being perfect. More Than Two goes into communication failures and strategies + additional resources to help people continue to work on it.
If you are a polyamory beginner the book does offer decent information on many of the issues that are likely to arise. Personally, I think it’s a bit long and would recommend reading over the sections when you come to it in your reality as opposed to trying to cram all the information in your brain at once.
There are elements of polyamory that I am drawn to, such as creating a community of intimate friends, writing our own scripts of how relationships can work; sharing joy and love and dinner (clearly I’m hungry right now). But there are plenty of other things I am not drawn to; like the drama; all the talking and talking and talking; and the super-packed schedules trying to fit everyone in when there are only so many days in a week.
Perhaps I’m just a bit bitter right now because I’m having my own personal issues happening that are leaving me exhausted. Like, I can’t even get one relationship to work right, the thought of adding more to the pile makes me want to go live like a hermit in a cave somewhere far away. And you know, someone did write about a guy who did that, you can read my review of The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Story of the Last True Hermit on my other blog here.
What are your thoughts on More Than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory and / or polyamory in general. Comment below or send me an email to discuss in more depth!
Watch the YouTube Video to hear me answer some of the questions I’ve been asked recently on Instagram. I prob won’t answer most of them directly in the future.
Feeling a little weird today.
Feeling a little off.
Mostly I’m just confused.
A part of me loves that my Instagram page is growing and people seem to like what I’m doing on the blog etc. but WTF dudes?
I get it. I have boobs. You want to lick and touch my boobs. You want to have the sex. You want to know if I’m into younger guys. Older guys. Black guys. Women. Anal. These are all okay questions, I guess.
Yet, you’re all sending them to me on Instagram in my Direct Messages when we don’t even follow each other.
Some of you are sending over really compelling conversations starters like:
Chat with me
Send me nudes
Oh Fuck it, here’s a screenshot to make it easier for me:
That was just like a few of them btw.
There are sometimes a few funny ones. This one being the latest:
Anyhoo. That was a pretty good one.
I’m curious though, if you ACTUALLY want to have a conversation or you’re just throwing out bait into a sea of hot Instagram girls hoping that one out of the million heyyys will get you a heyyy back?
I’m curious if you think you’re the FIRST ever to think of sending a direct message to a stranger on Instagram? And what type of entitlement exists within your brains to think a stranger has any sort of priority to respond to you? Or you have any sort of right to get ANGRY when a woman doesn’t respond to you in the amount of time you think is appropriate for a response?
I get that it’s a social media platform and I do want to interact with people, indeed I’m GRATEFUL to have such a growing fan-base, but I need a little more to go on here. I want to answer your questions, but also I would prefer the questions be more thought out. I spend every day putting in this work to help the world experience more pleasure and it’s not pleasurable to me to be inundated with weak ass messages that are basically just farts into the winds of the internet.
On the other hand, there are a lot of terrifically written messages and many of them I have yet to respond to, like this one:
Or this one:
Thanks for being decent human beings. I really appreciate it and one day I WILL get back to you, I swear.
It’s just that I have to swim through the muck of bullshit and I’m not used to it.
Perhaps that’s the problem.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
And I’m not used to hundreds of messages in my inbox, particularly when I only have like 700(ish) followers. I can only imagine what real hot sexy ladies with HUGE followings must deal with on an everyday basis. Have you ever thought about that BEFORE you hit send?
Here are my thoughts on you sending messages to super hot sexy ladies (or any person you don’t actually know) on Instagram or other places:
If you choose to write a message to someone whom you actually want to get to know and that message has limited value and nothing much to offer, the likelihood of a reply from that person is about .0005%.
So, yeah. I’m saying there’s a chance.
But…. I’m also saying that the chances are pretty slim and if you want to up your chances, put a little more thought into it.
Oh yeah, and… don’t hold your breath.
If you have real decently thought-out questions you want me to answer, you can contact me through my contact page.
(I’ll answer one right now for you, no, I will not have the sex with you, thanks for asking though.)
Show support by purchasing something for me from my Amazon Wish List (I’ll review whatever gets sent my way!)
As long as your going to masturbate while looking at my pics and videos might as well stick something up your butt and get some good prostate action going on. Click on the image to head into the world ofTantus Toys (they make some amazing plugs and dildos too)!
If You Like Orgasming in 20 seconds or Less This is the Toy For You
I have no brains left thanks to Lelo Sona Cruise
Thanks to a couple of my loyal amazing followers who pitched in on a gift for me (which you can also do by checking out my Amazon Wish List here) I received the Lelo Sona Cruise in the mail a few days ago.
On the Lelo page, they make claims that this tiny ass clitoral vibrator:
“stimulates 75% more of your clitoris, for a feeling that will change your life, one orgasm at a time.”
It does this by using sonic waves instead of a typical vibrator that uses, well, vibrations. The waves go beyond the external to pulsate and stimulate (because our clits are a web of nerve endings, not just little fashionable vulva buttons).
Since my time at Fascinations, I have tried nearly a hundred different sex toys. I have become a sex toy snob. I have three favorite companies and Lelo happens to be one of them (We-Vibe and Fun Factory are the other).
A former coworker used to refer to Lelo toys as “Gucci for your Coochie,” which is as close to accurate as you’re going to get. They are indeed a luxury sex toy company (the $2,500 gold prostate toy pretty much exemplifies that). Lelo designs are streamlined, beautiful, and classy. Plus, they’re all made out of medical-grade materials and are rechargeable.
When I opened the Sona Cruise box I was both mesmerized by the impressive design and slightly skeptical about this small suction looking device doing anything of value for my pussy. I could not imagine how anything could be better than the Hitachi (my most recent vibrator love).
The thing about vibrators is that, just like with polyamory, you can love MORE than ONE.
Just because you get pleasure from eating pizza does not take away from the fact that you also get pleasure from putting ice cream in your mouth.
After charging and cleaning the Lelo Sona Cruise, it was time to give it a whirl or for it to whirl me or perhaps we’d whirl each other?! Anyway. I turned it on and it was SO quiet. After getting used to the power-drill sounds of the Hitachi I thought there was NO way it was going to do anything at all to my clitoris.
I put the tiny spout mouth up to my finger, it was like, egh. I put it on my nipple, it was like oohh, okkaayy, maybe. . . I put it on my clit.
Well. I TRIED to put it on my clit.
After I maneuvered it around to find the exact correct spot for ultimate sensation, which took a bit longer than I thought it would, I hit THE SPOT and it felt like a fucking electrical lightning surge zip all the way my body.
I dropped it.
Whoa. I thought. WHOA.
“Okay, little pink friend with the power punch, looks like you may be able to hold your own after all,” I said to myself in my head and not out loud or anything weird like how dirty talking your sex toys would probably be, that I would never EVER do. . . .
The very first initial contact was super intense, but I needed lube.
So, I put a drop or 10 (because I have the Sahara desert of vaginas from living in this dry ass climate and almost always being hungover and dehydrated) on my pussy, took a deep breath and got back to work.
I couldn’t even pay attention to porn while this thing was on my button. My brain couldn’t handle the multi-tasking. My clit could barely handle the sensations.
I turned on the different rhythms/patterns to help give my clit a seconds rest and it turned out that I enjoyed the rhythm/patterns MORE than just the straight BUZZ, which NEVER has happened with a toy before.
Oh. My. God.
It felt like a three-minute long mini-orgasm that ended with a MAJOR orgasmic mind-blowing explosion.
Small little pink friend, if that’s how you’re going to roll (or pulsate), I will accept your offering.
So, yeah. Um. It was good.
But that’s not all my friends and followers. That is not where the Lelo Sona story ends.
Later that night, my current mansexfriendthingthatdoesnothavealabel wanted me to demo the toy for him.
He had been eating me out so when I put the toy on my clit it made these amazing sloppy wet noises that were kind of hilarious and also totally recordable for an interesting EDM remix throwdown. Yet, still, the sound of the toy itself was almost inaudible. Anyhoo…
A lot of people claim that sex toys/vibrators sort of “numb the clit,” and that they create this inability to get off with actual people, but I’m here to counter that and say that since the Hitachi and the Lelo Sona Cruise I’ve turned into basically a Cum Queen. I’m orgasming ALL the fucking time, both alone and with people. At the beginning, in the middle, and at the end. Like, holy shit. Both of these toys seem to propel my orgasm FORWARD instead of blocking them at all.
Not only that, but after I had demoed it for a few minutes we threw it aside and started having P-in-V sex; we’re both still not sure what actually happened, but my vagina contracted and released and contracted as if it wanted to extract the orgasm from his cock all by itself. This situation was almost entirely involuntarily on my behalf. As if my vagina was turning into its own entity and cock juice was its main dietary source.
I got the juice. Pretty sure I got part of his brains too, since right after, as we were getting dressed, he put his shoes on the wrong feet (making it the best after-sex compliment I have ever gotten).
So, would I recommend the Lelo Sona Cruise?
Oh my god.
BUT now I want to try ALL the sonic wave sex toys to see how the others compare. Personally, I’d like the spout/mouth part of be a little bit bigger to cover more surface area even though I am aware that the waves move around the whole space. I think it would help ease some of the intensity so it could grow into a MAJOR orgasm without cumming within 10 seconds (unless you like cumming in 10 seconds, so you can move on with your life. I like it to last a little bit longer than that just because there’s not much else I’d rather be doing.)
Also. Lube & toy cleaner are an absolute must with this.
Make sure the lube is water-based. Silicone on silicone has been known to be a bad idea, so why risk it?
I believe in the power of the equilateral triangle
I’ve been sitting around all day in the heat, super thirsty, both for the drank and for the sex drank.
I was helping my roommate figure out what she’s going to wear at this event over the weekend, she was naked, I saw her boobs.
For some reason, I got even thirstier.
I dumped cold water all over myself to calm down.
I started to think about what REALLY makes me thirsty.
So far, my favorite sexual encounters that I ever get to have (or have had) are the threesomes.
Here Are My Top 8 Reasons Why Threesomes Are the Best Somes:
There is always something to do
Threesomes stimulate the body and mind in new ways
You can try new interesting positions
Two of you can gang up on one to overload the one with pleasure
You can be ganged up on by the two to be overloaded with pleasure
You can make an equilateral triangle of pleasure
Three is the perfect size to fit on a bed without one or all of you falling off at some point
Threesomes are fucking hot no matter the combination of people MMF, MFF, FFF, MMM, MFT, FTT, etc. whatever. Naked body parts all over!
I currently have two major threesome fantasies.
Mario, Luigi, and the Princess all getting down and dirty together (I’m up to play any part in this one).
2. Woody and Buzz Lightyear tag teaming me taking me to infinity and beyond with some major mind-blowing orgasms, yehaw.
Ask me to name my favorite threesome experience and I will not have the capabilities. That’s like asking me to choose my favorite ice cream or favorite book. Sure, I can DO IT if I have to, but they each hold a special place, memory, and learning experience for me.
You may also be wondering if I am a unicorn and if I would ever have a threesome with you and your lover.
The answers are sadly, “no,” (and less sadly), “maybe?”
For a while, I considered myself a unicorn.
A unicorn in the sex community is considered to be a mythical person who flies in, has no-strings-attached sex with a couple, then just as quickly and quietly disappears, leaving the couple satisfied and better connected than ever before.
Here’s why I am not a unicorn.
For starters I am not a mythical creature, I am a human being and just like every other human being I have emotions and feelings and wants and desires. I have no problem participating in no-strings-attached sex with one or more people. What I have a problem with is always assuming that the third person WANTS NSA sex.
There’s a chance that I actually ENJOY the company of the two people and the sex is good enough that I’d want to do it again.
If you’re in a relationship and you’re worried that the third will come in and wreck what you have, I’m assuming what you have is not that stable to begin with and a threesome isn’t going to solve any of your issues, regardless of whether it’s with a unicorn or a regular person.
I believe that if a couple is choosing to enter into a threesome that the third has just as many rights as the other two and every voice should be heard.
Of course, some threesomes are just three random people doing it, and that’s pretty fun too.
On to the matter as to whether I’d have a threesome with you and someone you know. There’s a chance. It’s a pretty small chance, but I’m saying there’s a chance.
I deleted the Feeld App several months ago, but if you are looking for group-like sexual encounters that’s a tolerable one to use (it had a bunch of tech issues at the time I had it that they claimed were being worked through but I removed it before seeing if that came true. Why did I delete it? Mostly because I was tired of couples thinking they wanted a threesome in fantasy but not being able to follow through in reality AND because I was tired of being a unicorn. We need love and attention too sometimes).
I am aware that many of you out there have never had a threesome. Some of you have no interest while others are SO interested you might be coming off desperate for it. If you are interested in having a threesome and want tips on how to make this happen, let me know in the comments and I’ll write another article about it.
In the meantime, happy Thirsty Thursday, hope your thirst gets quenched! I’m going to go back to fantasizing about Woody and Buzz now.
I couldn’t sleep last night. I felt sad and disappointed about my current state in love, dating, life.
I know it’s difficult for some of you to believe, but I’ve been rejected quite a bit lately.
(The most recent by a guy who claimed he really liked me, was totally into me; told me to text him then didn’t respond for nine days. Only to tell me when he did finally respond that he had hooked back up with his ex and has now decided to get back together with her. But… he still “wants to be friends.” #coolcarrot)
Dating can be a struggle for everyone, even people who are expert daters. One reason why I’m an expert dater is because of all the rejection, both to and from me.
It’s hard out there. And I’m not talking just about boners.
In the book I’ve been reading (More Than Two), the authors write:
“Even the healthiest person, when persistently rejected, will hurt.”
And it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to feel sad or angry or disappointed when something doesn’t work out with someone, particularly when so many possibilities had felt so possible. Yet, I know that I am worthy of great, loving, thoughtful, intimate relationships. I know what I am capable of giving back to other people. I know how much love is already in my life, which helps me from spiraling all the way down into a bottomless pit of despair.
I also know that I have to feel the sadness. Because if I don’t feel it, it will bottle up and turn into something really ugly that no one, including myself, wants to see.
Here are some questions that I have been asking myself, perhaps they will also help you if you’ve recently been rejected.
What do I bring to others’ lives? (In friendships, family, and romance)
What love is already in my life?
What have I learned from these recent dating experiences?
How can I apply these learnings to create better relationships in the future?
What do I really want and what can I truly give?
I am so grateful to all of you who have been reading/watching/enjoying/following this blog. To tell you the WHOLE truth, starting this blog kept me from killing myself. I understand that that sounds dramatic, but I was in a pretty dark place a couple of months ago; my creativity was stifled, I didn’t know what I wanted, I was drinking and doing too many drugs.
Now at least my creativity isn’t stifled and I know what I want 🙂
Rejection is one of the costs of dating. It can be painful, but perhaps we can all look rejection more as a type of growing pain than something specifically directed at you as a person. Everyone is out there looking for different things and we can’t also be the one to give those things to another.
As they say:
“The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.”
I’m not expert at any of this, but I have had many and plenty of experiences. I’m going to continue onward, knowing the difference between needing and wanting someone… knowing what I can give and knowing what I’m willing to take. Knowing that sometimes people aren’t meant to be in a relationship with you, but they are still beautiful wonderful people who deserve love and fulfillment.
Rejection is alright.
Because in the end, even when we lose, we win.
Pre-coffee / Pre-process of emotions / early morning wake-up video / honestly have no idea what I even say on this but didn’t want you all to think I’m hiding shit from you. . .
Whether Your Sex Drive is High, Low, Or Medium Rare
Could Polyamory Save Sexually Incompatible Relationships?
I have always had an exceptionally high sex drive. The kind of high sex drive that would hump anything that happens to be in the same room when it revs up (here’s looking at you couch cushion… jk I’ve never done that… but now I’m thinking about it).
My sex drive is so high that when they put me on Prozac for depression I was actually excited when the doctor told me it could interfere with my desire to have sex. I was like, please Goddess, please interfere with my desire. And it did. Oh yes. I went from an extremely high sex drive to an above average sex drive.
In other words, I only wanted to hump whatever was in the room 80% of the time instead of 95%, which of course led me to get a few other things done–something I really cherished.
Of course, because I’m terribly stubborn and think I can overcome my depression and high-sex drive all by myself I have yet again stopped taking the Prozac and am back up to 95%.
Luckily I have Tinder and vibrators and fingers (and couches now I guess) oh yes, and the occasional person I’ve slept with before who happens to want to have sex with me again for some reason (probably not for my personality, but who really knows these days).
In any event. My sex drive is HIGH. Not as high as say Snoop Dogg on 420, but high nonetheless. Maybe as high as Ilana from Broad City when she’s hanging out in the bathroom stall during work. I have never dated a person with a sex drive as high as mine. In fact, several if not many of my relationships have ended because our levels of sexual desire were not compatible. In other words, they can’t fuck me enough*.
I’ve tried to get over it. That’s why I took up running and yoga. Reading and writing. Extreme masturbation (not sure what that is but it sounds like something I’d do). I tried just getting over it. I tried being happy with what I got. I always wanted more though. It’s just who I am. It’s how I’m built. Whatever. I like sex. I like a lot of sex. Almost everyone likes sex to some degree (minus the asexual people, which you do your thing and I’ll do mine, okay?).
So what do you do when you find someone you’re compatible with that has a totally different sex drive than yours?
Many relationship experts say that if you’re not sexually compatible than you should break up, move on, not even bother trying to work it out because you’ll always be disappointed one way or the other when it comes to getting your freak on (either too much in an attempt to please your partner or not enough in an attempt to please your partner).
But what if there was a solution?
This morning I started reading the book More Than Two (A practical guide to ethical polyamory). In the first chapter the authors write:
“Some people go into poly to have more sex; some people go into poly to have less sex.”
It’s weird because I’ve been reading theory and advice and having discussions on polyamory and monogamy for like, basically a decade now and probably because I myself have a high sex drive never had even considered that it could also work out well for people with LOW sex drives.
Let’s say that I want to have sex an average of about 5 to 7 times a week. My partner X is only really down for sex about 3 to 4 times a week. If we’re in polyamorous relationships then I could have another partner, Y, that was able to help me get off more and help X not have to have as much sex. And then Y can have sex with someone else too or just with K depending on Y’s sex drive levels.
K + X + Y = sexual fulfillment for all…
This is just a hypothetical scenario. But it COULD be a better option than ending a relationship just because one element is not aligned.
Does anyone else have an opinion on this matter?
Anyone else struggle with a low or high sex drive that makes it so you’re often not sexually compatible with your partner?
What have you done to find balance?
Would you consider polyamory as a solution?
Also, side note…
Many of you claim to read my blog on occasion. Awesome. Thank you! If you’d like, you can follow it. You can subscribe to my youtube channel and you can also follow me on Instagram to get updates as often as I update… which is usually daily unless I’m hungover.
*Admittedly when I was in the long-term 5+ years monogamous my sex drive did finally die, but that’s a story for another day… one I will prob never tell because I just told the gist of it.