Ant-Racist? Go Fuck Yourself For a Good Cause

That cause being you. 

Remember to take care of you… too. 

Masturbation can be a form of stress relief and can ease anxiety and aid in better overall emotional, spiritual, and physical health. And in these times of intensity, it can also help ease the rage. I know because I’ve been full of rage for many decades now and I have tried it myself. 

Because as I person who runs a sex-positive and body-positive blog that means all shapes, races, colors, desires welcome and supported. Big carrot, little carrot, no carrot– everyone deserves love and respect.

That being said, if you’re in the market for a new way to show yourself some love aka a new toy, use one of the affiliate links below and for the next month (June 2-July 2, 2020) I will donate 100% of the proceeds to Black Lives Matter campaigns including Campaign Zero and Bail Funds across the country.

The amount from proceeds is usually about 10-30% of your total cost (depending on the affiliate). So, you can get that new toy you were already planning to buy while at the same time giving a portion of that money to a good cause.  

Of course, If you don’t want a new toy and you just want to use the one you got or your hands or a pillow or whatever—and donate that money you could have used on a toy, by all means, DO THAT. Or do whatever you want. This is a free country. Or, we’re at least trying to get there. 

A Short List of My Favorite Sex Toy Companies

Tantus : 100% premium-silicone toys designed by women and hand-molded in U.S.

Lelo:  I have always been impressed by this Swedish company’s designs. Now you can get a free toy with purchase over $169. 

We-Vibe: Get it on with some of the best toys I have ever tested with this Canadian company dedicated to shaping the future of sexual health and wellness.

Woo for Play: Organic lube so clean you can eat it, yum. 

A Short List of Premium Sex Toy Options

Ideas for Guys

Why not give yourself an extra hand with Lelo’s F1s Developers Kit? A sensual male masturbator with 10 sensor built right in.
Feel like you’re not getting fucked in the ass quite enough? Well here’s a beginner’s toy from Tantus perfect to ease you into it.
You won’t want to forget the lube with these toys.

Ideas for Women

Not sure if you prefer internal or external stimulation? Gigi 2 from Lelo works well for g-spot or clit stuff depending on mood or desire.
A little bit of this and a little bit of that and ah ah ah… g-spot, clit, butt all in one box and (then a couple of holes). Pretty reasonable price for the set. Tango from We-Vibe is my #1 clit vibe pick.

You’ll love this lube. Woo.

Ideas for Couples

I mean, really this is for any type of couple, girls who like girls who like boys who like girls who like boys etc. Bend Over Intermediate Kit from Tantus.

Release some tension or prepare for the end of the world…. You never know when you might need to use your sex toys as weapons… The Plunge Paddle from Tantus.

You can never have enough lube. Unless you squirt out too much lube, but it prob won’t hurt anything to use that much anyway.

Ideas for Krystal

Here are some toys that I think look fun and would love to try, so maybe try them out and let me know what you think OR send one to me and I’ll review it for everyone.  

This is supposed to be like oral sex but better. Is it possible? The Ora 3 from Lelo.
The Melt from We-Vibe uses new air technology and can be used with a partner… I’m like WHAT IS THIS. LET ME TRY IT.

Did I mention the need for lube? This whole planet could really use lube right now.

Anyhoo. If you have questions or comments about what the best toy would be for you feel free to send me a message on Instagram or email me via my contact. Thanks for supporting the cause and taking care of your own sexual health at the same time.

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Thoughts on Racism from Rural America

If you think racism doesn’t impact your life, think again.

I recently moved back to rural Kansas after 15+ years living in much much bigger cities (Chicago and Denver). And being out here while all of these protests are going on has got me feeling a mixed bag of emotions–sadness, anger, rage, grief, regret, etc. And I keep thinking, what can I do? How can I help? 

Then I think about where I am. 

I think about who I am. 

I’m in the middle of nowhere Kansas somewhere in between Kansas City and Tulsa on the Missouri border. A place with a rich civil war history, a place known to have been at the forefront for fighting to be a free state, John Brown, massacres, bloody Kansas etc. it all happened right around here. Cities were burned. People were murdered for having one belief or the other. It was brutal. It was chaotic. 

All in the name of freedom. 

But now? Now I think about how so many of us are afraid. There can be no other explanation. We’re afraid to stand up for what’s right. 

We’re afraid to do even the smallest action, to put a Black Lives Matter sign up in our window, or to call out the racism on our Facebook newsfeed, or invite our black friends to come visit.   

Why? Because we know that makes us a target for violence. It makes us a target for being ostracized, pushed out, abandoned by our ‘people’ aka our family, our community. And though, theoretically we understand that these racist types are ‘not our people’ …  they also are? 

So instead of saying something or doing anything we find ourselves becoming apathetic, avoiding these issues, remaining apolitical for the state of surviving where we are. Minimizing what’s happening or going so far as to blame the victims themselves. 

I think back on why I left, why I moved out of this small town, and it’s because I didn’t feel like I belonged. Of course, I looked like I belonged with my white skin and my german nose and my dirty blonde hair, but I didn’t feel like I belonged because I had different thoughts on how I wanted to live my life, who I wanted to be, ways and desires that didn’t fit within the mold the town has constructed for its people.  

To pretend this construction isn’t a reality for folks in this community is dangerous. It’s dangerous because it strips individuals of their freedom. Turning people away because they don’t fit within your own mold creates fear. Confusion. Anger. Uncertainty. 

If freedom is what so many people believe in then why do we let so much happen that goes against that very idea? Shouldn’t everyone have the freedom to choose where they live, what they believe, who they love– even if it doesn’t align with your own ideas of what that looks like? Isn’t that what our ancestors fought for when they fought for Kansas to be a free state? A fight for a united America–where everyone, regardless of their color of skin would have the right to empower or fuck up their own lives however they saw fit? 

We cannot continue to ignore what is happening because it happens each and every day in our own backyards.

Your silence will not save you and it damn well won’t save our friends, family, loved ones, lovers, children and neighbors. 

What can we do?

Here are a few suggestions that might help you as you continue on the path toward justice, freedom, and equality–wherever you happen to be. 

Little Tips for Big Anti-Racist Action

Turn Toward Your Feelings Not Away From Them.

This stuff hurts. This stuff is heavy. But instead of running, deflecting, numbing, avoiding, we must turn inward. Stop. Sit. Examine what is coming up. Anger? Sadness? Confusion? Where does it stem from? What does it feel like within your body? Where is it located? What is the texture. Can you sit with it fully? Do that. Feel all of it.  

Kill Your Ego

When we come from a place we’re we can listen without judgement we are better equipped to handle the chaos. Note that not every experience is specifically about you. If something provokes you this can often be a reflection of your own beliefs, issues, trauma, and that needs to be examined (see above suggestion on turning inward). Perhaps you have guilt about your part in all of this, that is valid, that is not uncommon, that is to be expected.

When you kill your ego you kill the part of yourself that lives from fear and fear is what works to perpetuate all of this bullshit and keeps everyone from truly living freely. Fear is what keeps us from doing the right thing and choosing the comfortable thing instead.  

Choose Compassion

We only know the depths of our own experiences. For the most part we do not know the full history, experiences, nuances of any one else’s lives (not even the Kardashians!). If people are running around being racist, how can you confront them in a productive way? If you are struggling you can always ask yourself WWJD or apply the golden rule.

Think about the times that you’ve changed your opinion of a matter, did it happen because someone was screaming at you and calling you names or did it happen because you were able to have an open and honest conversation?

If ever unsure, ask questions. Note that you might not get the response you were hoping for, know that all is not lost. Also remember that if you’re talking through these issues on an open social media platform that you’re saying the words you are saying to thousands if not hundreds of thousands of people, so you may make a positive impact on someone and never even know it. 

Dive Deeper Into Our History

Race is a social construct.  White people weren’t always white. Working class white people have more in common with people of color than they do their corporate bosses. Ask yourself why, who does this divisiveness ultimately serve? There are SO many resources out there that will aid in your discovery.

Here are a few links:

Beyond The Hashtag: How to Take Anti-Racist Action In Your Own Life

75 Things White People Can Do For Social Justice

Anti-Racism Resources

Be Kind to Yourself

Take care of yourself. Take breaks when you can. If you happen to be in a rural community like I am, know that there are other people who feel the same way. You are not alone. 

You are beautiful. 

You are loved. 

Death: The One Thing We’re All Avoiding

Let’s Talk About Death, Baby

Death and the Corona Virus

The fact of the matter is that we’re all in quarantine as a way to avoid death, our own death or the death of someone we love. 

And for good measure. 

This corona virus ain’t playing. 

According to a May 5 2020 post on Aljazeera:

“The death toll in the United States continues to surge with 70,847 deaths and 1,201,337 cases. The US continues to lead worldwide cases and deaths from the virus.”

Not only has Covid-19 killed a bunch of people, it has completely destroyed the economy and the livelihoods of people all over the world. Everyone is stuck at home, waiting. Waiting to not die. Not yet anyway. 

This pandemic has brought to the surface our biggest fears and uncertainties about the future.

But one thing is true regardless, we’re all going to die. 

Yikes. 

Or maybe better yet, Yay?

What I’ve noticed, observing from my basement dwelling quarantine, is that no one is straight up talking about death, what it means to die, how to accept our own end. 

We’re all busy baking bread or drinking margaritas or trying to get through to the unemployment office or working an essential job where any one person could come in and bring the entire place to its knees; where at any moment our coworkers or loved ones or lovers or friends could die. We could be dead too.  

Let’s be clear– this has always been true — yet it’s right here in our faces, our faces covered by masks. 

Pema Chodron aks:

“Can we abide in the openness that presents itself when the bottom falls out of our dream?”

Can we move forward when everything in our daily existence gets uprooted, changes, becomes something we never even imagined before? Can we accept the idea that it may cease to move forward at all? 

Facing Death

Why is there so much fear around death? 

Why are people afraid to talk about it?

What would happen if you took a moment and turned to face it instead of avoiding the very idea it? 

What would it look like? Feel like? Could you get past your sadness? Your grief? Your anger? Could you get to a place of acceptance? 

I saw this image the other day of a baby connected to her mother’s umbilical cord right next to an image of a human connected to the umbilical cord of the spirit world. 

How fascinating to imagine that we’re all just babies, earth, our mother, death a passage into the vast universe. 

But where will you go? Who will you be? Will you ever exist again? What will happen to your family? Your friends? Will it matter if you are no longer here to think about it? 

If you’re dead you no longer have to worry. At least that’s a bonus. 

Death and God

Of course, I don’t want to die, not yet anyway. I have accepted that it will happen at some point. And I am okay with it for the most part on most days. Everyone has their own belief system, they’re own connection or disconnection with God, the Universe, the Source, whatever you like to call it. 

I’m a big Alan Watts fan, I read The Taboo Against Knowing Yourself right before this whole pandemic started. I like the idea that we’re all manifestations of God. We’re all fragments, pieces of God experiencing God. A big interconnected Kaleidoscope of life ever unfolding; our eyes are the eyes of God watching the world from a very specific perspective.

Or as Watts says: 

“God is the Self of the world, but you can’t see God for the same reason that, without a mirror, you can’t see your own eyes, and you certainly can’t bite your own teeth or look inside your head. Your self is that cleverly hidden because it is God hiding.” 

So, I suppose I am less worried about my own personal death, knowing that we’re all interconnected elements of God and we shall continue onward regardless of our own specific conscious experiences.

I don’t know, sometimes I hurt my own brain thinking about all of this stuff. I guess I’m just curious if anyone else has been contemplating death, because it seems like most people are doing everything but. But, perhaps it’s one of those Taboos we’re not supposed to talk about. What do you think?  

Before you die you might as well buy yourself a nice toy and have an orgasm or too (I believe an orgasm is also considered a tiny death… or is that a sneeze? Who can keep up? )

Anyway. There’s unbelievable products for men, women, couples etc. And now, FREE SHIPPING at Lelo (and if you buy something with this link I get a little % kicked back to me, so thank you for getting off!)

 

Is Your Carrot a 10 out of 10? Find Out!

Donate & Get Your Carrot Rated

Aka Play the Carrot Challenge

Have you ever wanted someone to take a good look at your carrot and tell you the truth about what they’re seeing? Do you have a weird looking carrot hanging out in the back of your fridge right now? Are you bored? Feel like getting creative? Why not draw or paint a festive carrot and get it rated by a professional?

That’s right, for a limited time only, I, the Carrot Expert, am offering Carrot Ratings to any and all people who make a Donation to the Carrot Fund.

The Carrot Fund not only helps yours truly, but I will donate HALF of all the proceeds to artists, musicians, and service industry people who are now in super struggle mode due to our current world crisis.

That’s right. You send me a donation and a pic or video of your best carrot and I send you back your Carrot Rating—which is based on 10 specific criteria (see rules below).

Going cross-eyed by the girth of this carrot, baby.

So, you want to play the carrot game?

Here are the Carrot Rating Rules

Step 1: Make a Donation

50% of Proceeds will go to Artist, Musicians, Service Industry people /anyone out of work / struggling thru this quarantine.

Send Donations to:

  • Venmo: @Krystal-Fawn
  • Cashapp: $KrystalFawn

Put CARROT FUND + IG name (or email) in Comments

Step 2: Tell Me About It

Send me a message letting me know that you’ve sent the donation.

IG: goeatabiggercarrot

email: goeatacarrot@gmail.com

Once I confirm the donation has been made then I will give you the go ahead to send me over your favorite Carrot pics or video.

This can be the carrot in your pants, in your fridge, salad, on a painting, drawing, tattoo etc.  feel free to get creative (you’ll even get a point for that!)

I’ll take a good look and judge your Carrot according to my Carrot Rating System

You’ll get 1 point (or 0 points) for each of these ten categories:  

  1. Size
  2. Shape
  3. Color
  4. Creativity
  5. Grace
  6. Sense of Humor
  7. Mood
  8. Energy
  9. Hardiness
  10. Donation Amount

The best your carrot can score is a 10/10. Bonus to anyone who makes a SIZEABLE donation, I will add personal commentary about your carrot to the rating sheet. You’ll receive your Carrot Rating within 48 hours (depending on demand I will try my hardest to have them back to you within the same evening). 

Ready to play?

Show me what you got!

Send me those donations (I’m thinking anywhere between $10 and $100 but if you want to go bigger that’s always better IMO)…

Venmo @Krystal-Fawn

CashApp $KrystalFawn

Show me your best carrot (the more creative the better!)!!!

Do We Really Want To Go Back to Normal?

Perhaps it’s time to envision a new way of being.

It’s pretty clear that the corona virus is changing the way that we exist on this planet. None of us having any idea how it is all going to unfold. Will medical professionals find a way to contain Covid-19? Even so, what happens when another virus pops up in its place? Is the economy going to tank? Will millions of lives be sacrificed to save it?

These are all things we’re about to find out.

While all of this is going down and we’re all quarantined in our selected locations, many of us jobless, many of us feeling very much non-essential right now, I encourage everyone to take an hour or however long and dive into your dreams. I’m not talking about the stories that play out in your subconscious when you’re asleep. I’m talking about what you dream about for your life.

If you could somehow reinvent how the world works, what would it look like?

Using your wildest imagination as we can only imagine as much as we know, what could humanity actually be?

Is it possible to live in a society that values people over profits?

What would a world without money look like?

Could a world exist where we valued giving, sharing, trading, more so than the dollar?

Is it possible to have gifts, to be creative, to encompass amazing personality characteristics without them being comodified? Without having to turn everything into a product or a brand?

What could a world without money do?

Our planet, our people need healed.

How does that work?

When someone gets sick should they get access to health care like any other person who gets sick?

When anyone rich or poor can catch viruses that kill, that can kill hundreds, thousands, millions of other people, shouldn’t we have systems in place to handle said situations?

Are you really THAT comfortable that you want to go back to how things were?

Was your life really THAT great? What deep down did you want out of life?

You say you just want a decent job and loving family… well WHY do you want a job? Is it for money? So you can provide for your loving family? Is it so you can buy all the things that you need to survive?

What if you already had all of those things?

Would you want a job so you felt like you had a ‘purpose’?

Why do you feel like you need a purpose to live?

And could you work, could you do the things that you loved doing, things that gave you ‘purpose’ if that’s what you truly needed without it being connected to income? Could you work on a farm or on a painting or mowing your neighbor’s lawn just because you enjoy the work and because it helps connect you to other people?

How attached are we to money that we need to go back to normal?

What if instead we created a new normal? A better normal? A normal where everyone thrived?

What would that look like to you?

Are you willing to get out of your comfort zone to get there?

If you’re not willing are you at least ready?

If life will never go back to normal then we need to start imagining a new world that aligns with what we want not what people with all the money think we need.

In the meantime, if you’re all alone might as well go F yourself. Here’s a coupon. XOXO

Get 10% off your first order

The World is Canceled, What Now?

Corona Virus Got You Down?

All your plans are canceled? Not sure what to do with yourself? Tired of bingeing on Netflix? Not sure what social distancing really entails. Well, never you fear, I’ve spent a many years developing superb ‘hiding from people’ skills and I can tell you, you’re about to have a really good time. 

Here are 5 Things to Do While Social Distancing

  1. Finally read a GD book 

Isn’t it great that you now have all the time in the world to just sit back and catch up on your reading list? Perhaps you’re confused and do not know where to start. Well, if you already have a pile I suggest starting at the top of that. If you do not, here are some book suggestions based on our current corona virus / social distancing/ world canceled/ stuck at home / hermit life / situation we’re all in.

My Year of Rest and Relaxation by Ottessa Moshfegh

The Stranger in the Woods: The Extraordinary Life of the Last True Hermit by Michael Finkle

The Plague by Albert Camus

All My Friends Are Dead by Avery Monsen

The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts

Welcoming the Unwelcome by Pema Chodron 

2. Move That Ass

Sure you can’t go to the gym anymore but you can certainly step outside and go for a fucking walk. Just don’t touch anything or anyone when you do it. Get that vitamin D, it might the only D you get for a while. 

In addition to walking, you can find pretty decent gym replacement streaming videos on YouTube.

Two of my favorite streaming workout channels are: 

Sydney Cummings

Fitness Blender

3. Get Your Head Right

What a perfect time to go inside yourself and finally deal with some of your issues. No need to worry about making it to the party later or having to deal with anyone seeing your sad puffy eyes. Cry it out. Sit around and ‘be.’ Maybe meditate for a moment in time. Go down a YouTube hole and learn all about emotional maturity or overcoming bad habits or how to be alone etc. 

The School of Life videos are a good place to start:  

4. Love Yo’Self

There’s research out there that says masturbation actually improves your immunity. So, have at it, give yourself a hand or two, or if you’re tired of doing ALL the work, might I suggest Lelo’s F1 Developers Kit for penises and the Lelo Sona Cruise for clitorises. 


Lelo’s F1 Developer’s Kit

src=”https://media.go2speed.org/brand/files/lip/2/LELO_free_shipping_250x250.gif” width=”250″ height=”250″ border=”0″ />

5. Talk to Someone You Know Or Don’t Know

Have you been putting off making that phone call? How’s your mom doing? Want to tell an old girlfriend you’re still in love with her? Want to ask someone out after the world comes back on again? Bored? Lonely? Well, luckily the phone and the internet still work. So, call someone you know. Or maybe someone you don’t know?

Need further advice? Find me on Patreon for a 1-1 online chat.

Is Either Political Party Worth Fighting For?

Political polarization and our inability to move forward

I’ve been reading The Book: On the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are by Alan Watts. My brain is exploding with each sentence. He’s dropping ideas that I’ve definitely thought about but never quite in the way he’s talking about them. Like, for example, in explaining God– God is trying to look at your own eye balls with your eyeballs without a mirror (not a direct quote, but I’ve been working through that one for a few days now.)  

Anyhoo. While reading the chapter called: ‘The Game of Black-and-White,’ Watts writes: 

“But the mistake in the beginning was to think of solids and space as two different things, instead of as two aspects of the same thing. The point is that they are different but inseparable, like the front end and rear end of a cat. Cut them apart, and the cat dies.” 

My immediate reaction to this was not about his actual argument, which is that we are all connected to the universe the way our lungs are connected to our body or limbs are connected to a tree etc. No, my first response was, ‘is this how we can finally end our polarized political system?’ 

If we replace ‘solids and space’ with ‘liberals and conservatives’ or ‘Democrats and Republicans,” then it goes to show, that like ‘lightness & darkness, ‘matter and space,’ ‘good and evil’ you can not understand one without the existence of the other. 

But in the case of the U.S. political system– do we need to? 

Is either side REALLY worth fighting for or could we potentially cut the tail from the head and let the cat die? 

It’s like it’s own microscopic circus and we’re all audience members cheering them on, but it’s just cheap entertainment. No substance. No actual policy changes. No real help to the people who need it. So, why have it at all? 

Why not let it die and try something different instead? 

Or we can continue to let the snake eat its own tail in this forever going cycle of nothing. Whichever.

But, no, really, what is the matter with Kansas? Part 1

No place like Kansas? Umm… There are actually a lot of places like Kansas. . . .

Conservatives and Liberals, it’s time to take a seat

I’ve been back living in rural Kansas for the last 20-ish days having taken a 13+ year break from the sunflower state with a 3-year-stop in Chicago and decade-long stop in Colorado.

Many people, mostly people not from here (and several from my exact small town) can’t seem to fathom what has gotten into me. It seems strange, absurd, crazy to move back to an area that, to put bluntly, is dying from the inside out. A place that to an outsider, is staunchly and stubbornly conservative with no hope for redemption of any kind –spiritual, economical, physical, mental, etc.

But, I’ve always been down for a challenge. I only gamble on a sure-thing. I play to win. (You get the gist.)

I wouldn’t have moved back here if I thought it was completely hopeless.

Every time I’ve come back to visit I’ve driven through these small towns and I’ve thought, ‘Wow, what the fuck happened here?’ Downtowns deteriorating, plywood up over historic building windows, movie theaters no longer showing, restaurants no longer serving, even the bars are washed up dry in many places.

If they’re not dead, they’re dying.

I’ve often asked myself, can rural America be resuscitated?

Most economists say no.

But when have Kansans’ ever gave a fuck about what economists think?

What I’ve always loved about the people from this state is that we’re all a bunch of weirdos. We’re free-thinkers. We’re rebellious. We’re strong as fuck.

The people here have always been innovative, they’ve always been able to DIY EVERYTHING, they’ve been tough and wild and funnier than anyone really anywhere outside of here. Not only that, but they’ve been fucking kind as fuck. I mean, real thoughtful folk that will give you the shirt off their back if you ask.

And yet.

Here we are.

All of us here, fucked.

Tell me you’re not.

Come on. Prove to me that everything around here is going real swell.

I’m not here to go into some sort of political rant that continues the polarization of our community. That’s useless.

I want to know if the people here can get back to those traits that are so rooted in our blood? And can these traits of strength, DIY, rebellion etc. be used to their fullest potential for positive change?

I do not care about your morality.

I care about your reality.

What is your reality?

Fuck democrat. Fuck republican.

Liberal, conservative, something in between, or outside of that– your morality could in fact be in direct conflict with your reality.

Put that bullshit aside. Take a minute and reflect on what your issues truly are.

I’m only through part one of What’s the Matter with Kansas? And though the book is like 16-years-old, not much has changed, mostly if anything, it has just gotten worse. The most vital take-away thus far is to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE AND WHERE YOU COME FROM.

Take Populism as an example.

  • People v. The Elite
  • Marginalized groups v. dominant power structures
  • 99% v. 1%
  • Poor v. Rich

This section of the book stuck out to me:

“This is not far from how the Populists saw their movement: as a sort of revelation, a moment when an entire generation of “Kansas fools” figured out that they’d been lied to all their lives. Whether it was Republicans or Democrats in charge, they believed, mainstream politics were a ‘sham battle’ distracting the nation from its real problem– corporate capitalism.”

Could it be that the main issues people are facing here are financial in nature? Or is everyone who lives in Kansas secretly into being financially dominated* and role-playing as pay pigs to the government and corporations and anyone else who asks for money and I just missed the memo?

Are we really going to sit around and play the part of the masochist in this brutal BDSM scene?

Just because we can handle the pain doesn’t mean we have to take it.

It’s time to change the rules of the game. It’s time to own our strengths, our weirdness, our rebellious nature. If no one else is going to do it right, it’s time we DIY.

I’m ready to work on the actual problems, the reality of the situation we are all facing. I’d love to hear your stories, your opinions, what your action-plans / thoughts are for improvement / empowerment / resuscitation are. Or, if you think I’m wrong, bring it on. I’m open to dialogue. I’m also okay with being wrong, if that means more things are right than I realized.

More to come soon on:

  • How political polarization has infiltrated our daily capitalistic purchases
  • Fucked up yet badass Kansas historical leaders and what they can teach us
  • The best of the best crowd commentary + clapbacks

*Financial domination is a fetish in the kink community based on power exchange where people (mostly men) enjoy having other people (mostly women) take their money (large sums of money) from them. If you are one of these people send me all of your money, I deserve it more than you. I’m at least going to do something useful with it. AKA change the world.

Here’s the link if you too want to read What’s the Matter with Kansas?: How Conservatives Won the Heart of America

Things I Learned from the Reality TV Show Polyamory: Married & Dating

showtime tv polyamory review

A Review of Showtime’s Polyamory: Married & Dating

Sometimes I wonder how or why my friends put up with me.

For instance, one of them has Showtime on Demand and for the past couple of weeks I have been going over to his house and binge-watching the crap about of Polyamory: Married & Dating until we finally finished the second season a few nights ago.

I don’t know what kept us going, except perhaps our mutual hatred for the show.

It came out in 2012 & 2013 so I get that I’m way behind the times but that’s what I get for not having Showtime (I also have missed out on The Knick, but that’s a different story for a different day).

Here’s what I’ve been saying for the longest time regarding monogamy v. polyamory–who cares they both suck and they’re both wonderful for their own reasons.     

I’ve had plenty of media exposure to monogamous structures that have made me want to not be monogamous, but this was the first time I got to watch a show that made me feel real turned off by the idea of polyamory too.

Yay?!?

I don’t know.

Showtime seemed to be trying too hard to make it sexy.  It was also pretty heteronormative (and white and middle class). Two male/female married couples living and playing together in a pod, and two triads both with one male and two females. In other words they could all pass as monogamous if they wanted to.  

That was the other thing that bothered me about the show. There was so much monogamy-shaming. Like, one of the beautiful elements of polyamory is the idea that you can create your own script, that you can form relationships how you want to–not how society attempts to define you–and yet many of these people seemed to think that showing even the slightest bit of monogamous behavior was BAD.

Or they would use monogamy-shaming to get what they wanted, for example, Michael basically manipulated Kamala into sharing her girlfriend to prove she was still poly (a reoccuring theme).

Time out.

When you’re poly you can have relationships with people without those people having relationships with other people you’re having relationships with. The guy clearly just wanted to have a threesome with two attractive women.

Which brings me to my next point. The women seemed to actually desire deep emotional connections with multiple people while the men seemed to desire straight up sex with as many people as they could get. The truth is that both ways are fine–if those ways are understood, but they never quite seemed to get there.

Now, I don’t know if some of these situations actually unfolded as we were shown or if the editors cut them a particular way to add more drama/suspense, but I do know that regardless it brought up two major things regarding human behavior that I found fascinating. Not only that, but it made me reflect upon my own life and examine how often I do similar things.

The Two Human Behaviors I Learned From Polyamory: Married & Dating

  1. People hear the things they want to hear not the things people actually say

My friend and I basically spent every episode yelling at the TV– “that’s NOT what he/she said.” We probably did this a million times. It was crazy how you’d listen to two people talk to each other and then later they’d make up sentences totally contradictory to the words you heard before.

Example:

Person 1:

I do not want you to go on a date with my girlfriend. If you’d like to have tea and chat I think that would be nice.

Person 2 [Later]: I can’t wait to go on my date with Person 1’s girlfriend, I hope we get to snuggle!

Ugh.

This show made me want to become a better listener. So, at least something was gained.

2. People will convince themselves of the most bullshit of bullshit when they’re trying to accept their own bad behavior (or the bad behavior of someone they love)

Example:

Kamala gives her new love interest a bj without her husband’s consent when they explicitly discussed how the two would not have sex until there was a verbal agreement regarding that activity. Her husband walks in on them while the blow job is happening and then Kamala pulls a Bill Clinton claiming they had not defined “what sex is,” –which came as quite a shock to me hearing that from a licensed sex therapist who clearly knows better.

I don’t even want to get started on the Tahl / Jen relationship; I will say this, he acted quite weasley and often found himself caught in a lie of his own doing and I wish she would have gotten out of that sooner.

But that’s the thing. We put up with a lot of bullshit when we’re in love with someone else. What polyamory should be teaching everyone regardless of their relationship structure choices is that COMMUNICATION is of utmost importance.

Sure, it might be painful to say the things you need to say and it might hurt even more to hear the things you don’t want to hear, but we’re talking about healthy relationships here.

Healthy. Relationships.

No matter what you choose, monogamy, polyamory, asexual hermit cave-living, single and slutty-in-the-city living, etc. it all comes down to knowing what you want and establishing the boundaries you need to make your relationships healthy.

Aka communication.

May we all find our words and our ears.

Another shout out to my friend for putting up with my bullshit and watching this show with me.

Get exclusives on my Patreon, if that’s the thing you’re into.

Read more about Polyamory with the book More Than Two.

Thirsty Thursday: Thoughts on No Nut November

Why Men Are Choosing Not to Masturbate

Men have really come up with interesting ways to torture themselves–and let’s face it, to also torture women in the process of torturing themselves.

First, there was No Shave November, which tortured many mens’ faces with terrible terrible facial hair looks. No, you do not look good with a moustache. No one looks good with a moustache. (Okay, there may be about three exceptions in the entire world, but I can take a gamble here and say your face is not one of them.)

And now there’s No Nut November.

A way to torture yourself by not allowing your penis to release any ejaculate for 30 days.

Your Sexiest Christmas Ever

The main philosophy of Go Eat A Carrot, is pleasure first. So, the idea of not masturbating (to completion) for an entire month could be viewed as going completely against my belief system. Yet, maybe not.

There is a beauty in the choice to take on anything challenging.

People go on food fasts all the time and since sex and food are on the same level of human need, I think it’s pretty easy to compare noFap to that.

I went through quite a few of the subReddit NoNutNomember posts in an attempt to better understand the motivations behind it.

I get that it’s a test of will power. Some claim to even improve mental clarity and come to terms with some deeper emotional issues that they’ve been covering up through porn and wanking.  

I’m a bit curious as to why masturbation seems so all-consuming to the No-Nutters. Like, it takes me less than 10 minutes a day to achieve and it’s actually good for one’s mental and physical health. Perhaps, if you’re spending hours upon hours watching porn and jerkin the gherkin than yeah, maybe taking some time off is a good idea.

This all comes down to your own personal state of well-being. You really need to ask yourself why you are compelled to stop doing something people do naturally all the time.

Has it become unnatural? Unpleasant? Is it over-taking your life? Does it just sound like a fun challenge? Do you feel the need to join a community of people who call you a soldier even though you prob have never served in any sort of military service? (That’s one of the things that’s the most bizzare about this newer trend, but I feel like I’ll just save that analysis for someone else to take care of as there’s too much to unpack with that in one blog.) Are you a masochists who like torturing yourself with ridiculous physical challenges? Do you have an issue with addiction? Are you curious to know if you can do it just based on that alone?

Are you also participating in No Shave November and because of that you realize no one will actually want to have sex with you while you have weird sad hair growing on your face?

Clearly, I have a lot of questions.

Male Sex Toys 300x250

In years past I’ve done my own Manless May thing. This was more so to cleanse my dating palate. To rediscover my wants, likes, desires. Of course, I still masturbated. And “manless” did not include “womanless,” but in any event, I do understand the motivations behind taking a break from something you do regularly. It gives you time to reflect on the why. It gives you time to reevaluate if that behavior is healthy or helpful. And then, when you do finally womp the weasel it could in fact be way MORE pleasurable just because you’ve restrained yourself for so long and built up the anticipation.

If you participated in No Nut November, please enlighten me on why, how, what etc. I’m genuinely curious. Also, if you need something to really get your December 1st going, I’ve got plenty of fapping materials for you to pursue through on my Patreon.

If you did wank this month or you didn’t wank this month you’re still a winner in my book.

Cheers.

Hear my thoughts on No Nut November here.