Don’t be a Dick Charred Eggplant Soup

healthy eggplant soup

Char your tender eggplant and put in it in a blender!

This deliciously smooth soup will not only warm your soul but will help you overcome any negative energy from big dicks in your life.

Have you or someone you know been acting like a dick lately? Well, it’s time to get out the frustration by completely demolishing an eggplant in a sort of symbolic representation of what could happen if you (or someone you know) become too big of a dick. 

Big Dick Energy is way different than being a big dick. For example, BDE is all about confidence, assertiveness, compassion, whereas being a big dick is typically more about being an aggressive ego-maniac fuck boy–no body wants to be around that. 

Feed your soul and your mouth-hole with this charred eggplant soup and release anything (or anyone) that’s no longer serving you. 

Don’t Be a Dick Charred Eggplant Soup Recipe

What you Need:

  • 1 eggplant
  • 1 medium sized onion-diced
  • 6 cloves of garlic
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil 
  • Salt + Pepper + Cayenne (to taste)
  • 32 ounces of vegetable (or chicken) stock
  • Juice of half a lemon

What You Do:

  1. Char the F out of the Eggplant. Watch that Eggplant BURN!!!

First poke some holes with a paring knife in that eggplant, oohh yeah, fuck you eggplant.

Next, place stabbed eggplant on a baking sheet under hot broiler, about 2 inches from flame. 

Cook for 3 or 4 minutes, get that beautiful smooth purple skin all blackened and charred, then turn and cook on other side until eggplant has gone all soft (about 4 minutes more). 

Set aside and that that eggplant cool off. Once you can touch it again remove and discard skins and roughly chop eggplant flesh. (that’s right char and chop the shit out of that eggplant).

  1. Cook it ALL Up in a Pot

You can do this next part while eggplant is charring or while it’s cooling down. 

  • Add 2 tablespoons of olive oil into a (medium to large sized) pot over medium-high heat. 
  • Add onion, season generously with salt and pepper, and cook until softened and beginning to color, 5 to 7 minutes. 
  • Add garlic, cayenne and reserved eggplant and cook 1 more minute.
  • Finally add broth and bring to a brisk simmer. 
  • Reduce heat and simmer gently for 10 minutes. 
  • Be sure to check seasoning and adjust the salt accordingly.
  1. Blend That F-ing Eggplant and Stuff ALL UP!

Now the fun part! Stick the tinder eggplant in a blender! 

Or, in recipe speak: purée soup in batches in blender. But this is where you can really get out some frustrations with any BIG DICKS in your life. BLEND BLEND BLEND until it’s a fucking fine puree in which you can no longer tell that the eggplant ever existed.  

After all that blending, Strain the soup through fine-meshed sieve and discard solid debris and seeds. (There was way more debris than I had anticipated soooo just watch for that… ! This was also a major mess for me, but perhaps I am, just a messy person TBD). 

Anyhoo, once it’s strained add the juice of half of a lemon. Taste again, adding more lemon juice as necessary to your own palate preferences. 

  1. Pour in a Bowl and Eat

Yum! 

Thanks for coming!

Are you really into eggplant? Well, you’re in luck!

For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes check out Get Stuffed By an Italian Eggplant

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Listen to my latest interview all about the Phallic Food Diet and my new book, Corn Tits on the Chubstep Podcast here

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Get Stuffed By An Italian Eggplant

If you liked getting stuffed by an eggplant you’ll love this Italian -ish twist. 

Opps. I mean, if you like stuffed eggplant this is the dish for you. 

Filled with wholesome healthy good stuff like quinoa, white beans, and walnuts this with pack your mouth with flavor–and fill you up too. 

This Get Stuffed Eggplant could potentially become a series, it turns out that you could really get stuffed eggplant any way you want it–just roast the eggplant and stuff with your favorite foods– I recommend 1 grain + 1 protein + veggies seasoned your way. I tried to make mine a bit more phallic-food friendly by adding chopped up salami that happened to already be in my fridge + walnuts for some extra nut flavor. I might try an even more phallic-one another time with roasted phallic foods + sausage. A greek stuffed eggplant would also be pretty good. 

I say, why not make one your way and send it my way and I’ll feature it if it looks appetizing. 

(I’ll throw in an IG shout-out and give you a creative contributor shout-out + digital copy of book when it’s released!) 

Anyhoo, the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the f-ing recipe!

Get Stuffed By an Italian Eggplant 

What You Need:

  • 1 to 2 Eggplants  
  • Italian seasoning
  • Garlic salt
  • Cooked quinoa (or your choice of cooked grain) 
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • ½ of one red onion –diced
  • 3-4 cloves of garlic
  • 1 Can Great white northern beans- drained
  • A handful of chopped walnuts
  • Chopped up salami (to taste)
  • Italian seasoning (to taste)
  • Garlic salt (to taste)
  • Pepper (to taste)

Cheese Toppings (Optional)

  • Shredded mozzarella cheese
  • Parmesan cheese
  • Blue cheese to garnish (optional)

What You Do:

Step 1: Sweet it Out

Cut eggplant in half lengthwise. Season the flesh with kosher salt. Set aside, flesh side up, for 20 to 30 minutes to allow the eggplant to “sweat.” Pat dry with a paper towel. (This is an optional step but can make a big difference).

Step 2: Season Up

Heat the oven to 425 degrees F.

Pat eggplant dry. 

Brush the flesh with extra virgin olive oil. 

Rub the italian seasoning on the flesh of the eggplant, sprinkle with salt and any other seasonings of your choice if you so choose (I added some paprika)

Step 3: Get Roasty

Place eggplant halves, flesh side up, on a generously oiled sheet pan. Bake for 35 to 45 minutes or until the eggplant flesh is nice and tender.

Step 4: Cook up the Stuff

Meanwhile. 

Add olive oil to a pan on stove and put pan on medium heat

Saute onion until softened (about 5 minutes)

Add garlic, cook until fragrant (about 30 seconds)

Throw in walnuts, salami, italian seasoning, garlic salt, pepper and cooked grain of choice

Step 5: Stuff the Eggplant

Once the eggplants have been roasted and the flesh is nice and tender pull them out of the oven. Take a spoon and with the back of it slap the eggplant (or press it down firmly) to create a cave-ish hole. Fill the cave with the stuffing. Top with cheese filling if so desired and put back in the oven on BROIL for 2 to 3 minutes until lightly brown. 

Step 6: Plate and Eat

Carefully move eggplants to serving plate (I used two spatulas to do this). 

Garnish with blue cheese dressing if you’re feeling extra frisky.  

Stuff stuffed eggplant in mouth. Enjoy. 

Thanks for coming! For more Phallic Food Diet Recipes check out The Ultimate Phallic Food Platter.

Support Go Eat a Carrot on Patreon for fun food facts and just the tip–sex tips, and more! 

Tickle Your Pickle Hangover Relief Drink

pickles for hangover

Replenish your wrecked body with this pickle-infused powerhouse concoction.

This hangover relief drink with pickles, carrots, ginger, lemon, and lime will help ease some of your most troubling hangover symptoms. Make this the night before you go drink so you can have it on hand in the morning (you will most likely not want to go to all the trouble if you’re feeling like ca-ca).  

Can pickle juice actually cure a hangover?

Controversy abounds as to whether or not pickle juice actually helps a person get over a night of too many cock…tails. Pickles and the juice they swim in contain vital electrolytes such as sodium and potassium; when you drink your body loses electrolytes and thus the theory states that putting them back inside you may in fact help restore balance within. 

Pickles are big part of the phallic diet. They contain probiotics which help with digestion, Vitamin K which helps with your immune system and they are low in calories yet bursting with flavor. Pickles do contain a high amount of salt, so if you’re trying to lower your salt intake or have high blood pressure, you might want to take it easy on the amount of pickles you shove down your throat every day.  

Carrots were actually first grown for medicinal purposes (and they weren’t the orange we see everywhere today). These long, hard, strong, bad boys contain vitamins B6 and K, potassium, and phosphorus– which aid in boosting the immunity and improving brain function. Something you most definitely need after a night of drinking. 

Ginger may be one of the best things you could possibly put in your body. Where your hangover is concerned–ginger helps with nausea and brain function (amongst many other amazing things).  

This recipe was made using a juicer. If you do not have a juicer I have written alternatives so you can still make it. Alright, let’s get to it. 

Tickle Your Pickle Hangover Relief Drink 

What You Need:

If you have juicer: 

8 to 10 carrots 

1 inch of fresh ginger 

1 cup of baby spinach (if using juicer, if not don’t use)

One lemon

One lime 

6 ounces of pickle juice (I used my mom’s homemade spicy pickles)

10 dashes of hot sauce

1 tablespoons Horseradish (optional but highly recommended)

1 teaspoon of worcester sauce 

Black pepper

1 teaspoon of Old Bay + more for garnish and glass rimming

Big carrot + big pickle for garnish

What You Do:

Juice the carrots, ginger, lemon, lime, and baby spinach according to your juicer instructions. 

Dump in pitcher or jar. 

Add pickle juice, hot sauce, horseradish, worcester sauce, black pepper to taste, old bay.

Sit it fridge for one hour to over night. 

Rim Rub Your Glasses

Rub a lemon over the rims of two glasses. Dump some Old Bay on a plate and rim the glasses with the Old Bay.

Put some ice in the glasses and dump juice mixture over ice.

Garnish with big carrot and big pickle. 

Enjoy!

Roll rim of glass in Old Bay for a fancy look + an extra dose of salt
The Tickle Your Pickle Hangover Relief Drink (If You Don’t Have a Juicer) Recipe:

What You Need:

8 ounces carrot juice

The juice of one lemon

The juice of ½ to 1 lime

6 ounces of pickle juice (I used my mom’s homemade spicy pickles)

or ½ teaspoon ginger powder

10 dashes of hot sauce

1 tablespoons Horseradish (optional but highly recommended)

1 teaspoon of worcester sauce 

Black pepper

1 teaspoon of Old Bay + more for garnish and glass rimming

Big carrot + big pickle for garnish

What You Do:

Dump carrot, lemon, lime, and pickle juice into pitcher or jar, add ginger hot sauce, horseradish, worcester sauce, black pepper to taste, old bay.

Sit it fridge for one hour to over night. 

Rim Rub Your Glasses

Rub a lemon over the rims of two glasses. Dump some Old Bay on a plate and rim the glasses with the Old Bay.

Put some ice in the glasses and dump juice mixture over ice.

Garnish with big carrot and big pickle. 

Enjoy!

Yes, I see you over there thinking these thoughts–you can add vodka to this if you want a Hair of the Dog vibe or if you’re like, not hungover but want to be later. Feel free to fill glass half way up and then top with soda water if you’re looking to add some extra hydration. You can also make this if you are not hungover but want some sort of enjoyable healthy juice like recipe.

It’s your life, get your carrot wet however you want. 

Want more Phallic Food Diet Recipes? Check out the Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter, a great addition to any gathering; Super Bowl snacks anyone?

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The Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter

These Penis Platters Are the Opposite of Hard (to make)!

Hosting a small gathering? Need something quick and easy to take to a party (next year, fingers crossed)? Want to please your friends with snacks that are healthy and delicious while making them laugh at the same time? Well, you’re in luck– because the Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter will do all of that!

The beauty in this recipe is its versatility. You could easily use any combination of:

1) phallic food

2) nuts

3) white creamy substance

Ready to put together the Ultimate Holiday Phallic Food Platter?

Here’s What You Need:

Choose 3 to 4 of your favorites:

Carrots

Cucumber

Pickles

Summer Sausage

Any other phallic shaped foods you love to eat

Choose 3 to 4 of your favorites:

Pecans

Peanuts

Almonds

Walnuts

Hazelnuts

Any other nut you enjoy putting in your mouth

Choose 3 to 4 of your favorites:

Dill dip

Ranch dressing

Blue cheese dressing

Any soft white cheese

White queso dip

any other type of white dipping sauce of your choosing.

What You Do:

Assemble the platter into one large phallic shape or several small penis-like shapes on a serving tray or cutting board of your choice. I put the nuts into two ball-shaped circles on one side of the phallic-shape and then I artfully splooged cream dips directly onto the cutting board on the other side of the phallic shaped food. This is your time to get creative and play with the penis platter however you so desire. Make it artful-play with minimalism or abstract expressionism. Make it super pervy–make each phallic food ridiculously big. Anything you want to do here!

Want more Phallic Food Recipes? Check out my Sweet & Spicy Wrapped Lil Weenies –another super simple appetizer that’s great for parties (they’re like finger foods but dicks instead).

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Sweet & Spicy Wrapped Lil Weenies

The perfect phallic food diet holiday appetizer!

The best thing about lil weenies is that you can put a whole bunch of them in your mouth at one time. These lil weenies are packed with protein with just a hint of sweet and spicy. My uncle often makes these for Christmas but he uses candied jalapeños, which are delicious. I decided to try them with carrots since this is Go Eat A Carrot after all. They turned out pretty good. Feel free to use either or neither in your recipe. They also have cheese stuffed lil smokies on the market now and those would be a fun, juicy, cream-squirt option to try if you’re into that.

Remember to keep your lil weenies wrapped this holiday season so you don’t have any baby weenies appear nine months from now. I’d suggest condoms for that, not bacon.

Enjoy these mouthgasms! And Happy Holidays!

Wrapped Lil Weenies Recipe

What You Need:

  • Package of Bacon
  • Package of Little Smokies
  • Baby carrots (cut in half)
  • Honey
  • Cayenne pepper
  • Cooking spray
  • Foil + Baking Sheet

What You Do:

Pre-heat oven to 325 degrees

line baking sheet with foil and spray with cooking spray

cut your bacon into thirds

Take one of your carrot halves and one of your little wieners and wrap up in one piece of cut bacon. Place seam down on baking sheet. Repeat until baking sheet is full of lil wieners. Dab each wiener with a little bit of honey. Then sprinkle with cayenne pepper.

Bake for 40 minutes until bacon is crispy.

Put on your favorite serving plate. Shove in mouth.

Get more from Go Eat a Carrot including Phallic Food Fun facts, cockless-cocktail mocktail recipes, Just the Tip advice, and one-on-one video consulting on my Patreon.

Looking for more easy phallic food diet recipes: Try my Sweet Jizz Glazed Carrots!

Sweet Jizz Glazed Carrots

When someone tells you to go eat a carrot now you will have the perfect recipe for just that. These sweet jizz glazed carrots are super simple to make and make a sexy side to any dinner plate. We had them with bbq ribs and mashed potatoes, let me tell you that was TOO much food.

I’m typically not a fan of cooked carrots just straight up by themselves, particularly when they’re sweetened but these didn’t get mushy or weird on me so I can legit recommend them to you all, my carrot loving friends.

Sweet jizz glazed carrots

Ingredients:

One 2 lb bag of carrots, peeled, and cut into quarters

1/4 cup of butter

1/4 cup of honey

1/2 teaspoon Garlic powder

Garlic salt + pepper to taste

One teaspoon ground rosemary OR one tablespoon fresh rosemary de-stemmed, cut or ground in mortal + pestle

1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)

What You Do:

Preheat oven to 400 degrees F

Get out baking dish (I put foil and cooking spray on mine but you may or may not NEED to that) throw your carrots on the baking dish.

Melt butter + honey + seasonings in pot.

Pour jizz glaze mixture over carrots and then toss those sexy carrots to coat (Alternative. Toss carrots in bowl and then transfer to baking dish to make sure ALL carrots get jizzed on equally).

Bake them for like 40 ish minutes (give or take 5 minutes).

Enjoy putting them in your mouth, chewing, and swallowing.

Join me on Patreon for fun food facts, mocktail recipes, sex tips and more.

Want more carrot recipes?

Check out my Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup

Three-Way Phallic Food Sauté

Three-Way Phallic Food Sauté

Spice up your dinner plate with this sexy phallic food sauté. This dish is a super easy + healthy way to add some side dish to your entree. Get almost all your phallic foods in your mouth at once!

What you Need for Phallic Food Sauté:

Skillet

Knife (I used this french fry cutter thing to give them a fun shape–not required)

Cutting board

½ cup eggplant

½ cup zucchini

½ cup yellow squash

Olive oil

Salt

Seasonings of choice (recommended: italian or old bay or creole or cumin + paprika)

What you do:

Slice the eggplant into rounds or dices depending on size of eggplant. 

Put in colander. Cover with salt. Let sit for an hour.

Once the eggplant has had sometime to sweat and think about what it’s done. Heat a skillet. Add some olive oil to the pan. Throw in all the vegetables together and saute until they’re a little bit blackened (that’s how I like them anyway) — about 10-15 minutes. 

Eat them as a side to your favorite entree OR make it a four-way by heating up a brat, slicing it up and throwing it into the party.

P.S.

I originally tried using the entirety of all three phallic foods in this sauté. I even had a really big skillet, but it was still too much to sauté all at once. Obviously you can do it in batches if you want to use more than 1/2 a cup at once.

Get fun phallic food facts on the Go Eat a Carrot Patreon!

Want more phallic food recipe ideas? Try the Nut & Creamed on Carrot Ginger Soup (yum)!

Did you know that the future author of the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook has written a work of fiction? Read her raunchy dark comedy about a woman addicted to meth who is caught in a rather compromising position. Corn Tits Part 1 is out on almost all major e-readers now.

Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto

This Pecan Pesto Packs a Punch for Your Mouth

Yum yum give me some. This nutty pecan pesto is simple to make and can be put on or in whatever your heart (and stomach) wants. 

I chose to use pecans in this pesto because they have a robust full flavor. I also picked them, literally. My grandma has a pecan tree and last year she had so many blowing off the limbs we barely could collect them all. This year there were zero–I guess they do that sometimes? I am no pecan expert.

I did just move to a house that has one in the yard too but also– no nuts this year. I am hoping for lots of nuts next season though.

Of course, if you do not have pecans you can sub any other nut of choice. Same with the herb. I used parsley because it was in my fridge, but basil would also work nicely. I have even seem someone use the greens of a carrot. So, if you do that let me know how it turns out!

Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto Recipe

Serves 1 cup

Prep Time: 5 mins

Total Time: 5 mins

What You Need:

  • 1/2 cup pecans
  • 2 tablespoons lemon juice (or juice of half of a lemon)
  • 3 garlic cloves
  • 1 jalapeno (stem and seeds removed) (optional) 
  • Big pinch of sea salt
  • Medium pinch of red pepper flakes 
  • freshly ground black pepper to taste
  • 2 cups parsley leaves
  • 1/4 cup grated parmesan cheese (sub nutritional yeast if dairy-free)
  • 1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil, more for a smoother pesto

What You Do

  1. In a food processor, chop up those nuts. 
  2. Add the garlic. Chop chop. 
  3. Dump in the lemon juice, salt, pepper, and pulse a bit more. 
  4. Add the parsley, keep it pulsing until combined.
  5. While your food processor is still a humming, drizzle in the olive oil until combined. 
  6. Add the parmesan cheese, if using, and pulse to briefly combine. 
  7. For a nut-filled pesto, use less olive oil. For a smoother pesto add more olive oil. 

Add pesto to your favorite pasta, top on soup (check out my Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup) or toast, or do whatever you like doing with it. 

Follow me on Patreon for Phallic Food Fun Facts and Cock-less Cocktail recipes (aka mocktails).

Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup

The first recipe for the Phallic Food Diet Cookbook is a delicious and easy to make carrot ginger soup.

I refuse to be one of those people who write a novel before the recipe. I really do not care how much it helps the SEO. You deserve better than that.

So, here is the carrot ginger soup recipe:

Nut and Cream Topped Carrot Ginger Soup 

Prep Time: 15 mins

Cook Time: 30 mins

Total Time: 45 mins

Serves 3 to 4

What You Need

  • 1 tablespoon extra-virgin olive oil
  • 1 cup chopped yellow onions
  • 5-6 garlic cloves, smashed
  • 3 heaping cups chopped carrots
  • 1+ tablespoon grated (or chopped fine) fresh ginger (adjust according to taste)
  • 1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
  • Pinch of nutmeg (optional)
  • Pinch of cayenne pepper (optional) 
  •  4 cups vegetable broth
  • Sea salt and fresh black pepper

For the Nut & Cream Finish (Optional)

  • Plain greek yogurt (or non-dairy if vegan)
  • Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto (recipe to come next week) 

What You Do

  1. Get out a large pot. Put it on the stove. Add olive oil to the pot. Turn the heat up to medium. 
  2. Add the onions and a generous pinch of salt and pepper. Cook until softened, stirring occasionally, about 5 minutes. 
  3. Add the smashed garlic cloves and chopped carrots to the pot and cook about 8 minutes more, stirring occasionally.
  4. Toss in the ginger, apple cider vinegar, the vegetable broth (and nutmeg, cayenne pepper if using). Reduce to a simmer and cook until the carrots turn from hard to soft, about 30 minutes. (Perfect time to make that Pesto if using)
  5. Let cool slightly.
  6. Transfer to a blender. Blend until smooth. (It certainly may not go super smoothly if it all doesn’t fit in blender at once, but it is worth the mess or the potential investment in an immersion blender.) 
  7. Once blended you can re-adjust the seasonings to your taste.

Finally, the fun part! 

Pour the carrot ginger soup into a bowl. Take a spoonful of greek yogurt and wap it on top of the soup. Top the creamy yogurt with the Put Some Nuts in Your Mouth Pecan Pesto. Eat. Enjoy. Yum. 

Want to learn a fun fact about the carrot? Check out this Go Eat a Carrot Patreon video.

Want to further your reading? Check out Do We Really Want to Go Back to Normal? Thoughts on the pandemic.

Or after you eat your carrots perhaps you will be filling lusty, if that is the case, have you experimented with any new toys lately? Love Honey has Sexy Advet Calendars now. That will give you something to do (toys) or wear (lingerie) like every day for many days to come. Click on image below to discover more!

Thanks for coming.