For the majority of my life, I have hated the word horny.
Perhaps it was Austin Powers’ fault. You remember the “do I make you horny, baby?” line that he’d always say. It was kind of funny when he said it, but it was not funny when every immature asshole in my school when around quoting those movies all day long.
Why was that such a dude-phase? Is it still a dude phase? What movies are the pre-bros quoting now? I have so many questions and none of them have to do with this current topic of horniess, but I digress and regress.
As a writer I think a lot about words, often to the point where words start to sound like sounds and mean nothing whatsoever anymore, yet horny, ew, anyway you slice or dice it, no matter how many times you say it still rolls off the tongue in an unflattering way.
Based on my research on the etymology of sexual slang the word ‘horny’ comes from the most obvious of places– ‘of the horn,’ ‘the horn’ being slang for an erect penis.
It makes sense that men would call their erect penis’s horns. Let’s all admit though that comparably the human male has the saddest horn of all– only hard when sexually stimulated and even then only temporarily. And when they confront another horn with their horn it usually ends up in some weird sword fight situation over a toilet.
Yet, because of how language tends to change and shift over time, the word horny is now used by people of all genders to indicate their current state of high sexual arousal.
The truth of the matter is that there are not very many great words to use to describe being sexually aroused. Saying ‘I’m so aroused right now,‘ sounds ridiculous.
Amorous–comes from the root -amor which means love and has more of a passion-filled meaning behind it. “I’m feeling amorous,” also sounds weird.
‘Turned on’ is probably the most acceptable phrase.
Of course these days there’s some new slang hitting the sex world, “thirsty” comes to mind.
Frisky is nearly as bad as horny though it reminds me more of a state of a fluffy leg-humping dog than a person.
“Erotically charged,” might sound good on paper but to use it as a phrase to self-describe seems silly as well.
So here we all are back at horny.
I have no good replacement words or phrases. The only suggestion I can make is to skip the horny language and go straight to what you’re looking for– ‘give me that D,” or “come fuck my brains out,” or “I want you inside me,” etc. etc.
Feel free to comment below on sex words you find unsexy or give me suggestions on words to use instead of horny, I’ve been trying to find a good one for ages.
Also– if you’re feeling horny or you want to feel even hornier– join us on Patreon for more exclusives.
A couple of weeks ago my friend offered me her hot tub. This is one of those inflatable hot tubs that fits like 4 to 6 people. She said I could have it if I cleaned it out and found a way to get it to my house.
When I arrived the hot tub was deflated and covered in snow. Once I got the snow off I discovered that it also had two inches of solid ice gluing it to the ground.
I spent the entire afternoon boiling water trying to melt the ice while lightly hitting it with a hoe to break up the ice but not so heavy as to put a hole through the bottom of it.
Getting it to my house was another kind of disaster.
Eventually, I succeeded.
It was then, at my house that I remembered how the neighbors had decided to randomly build a new fence over the summer without telling us and how the construction workers had busted our outdoor pipe. They replaced it with some cheap PVC which busted during our first winter day.
One of my very helpful and thoughtful friends helped me repair the busted pipe.
I thought we were good to go, but the instructions on inflating the hot tub were ridiculous and I couldn’t figure it out. Another friend came along and assisted.
Finally, after more cleaning etc. I was able to start filling it up. That’s when we realized the pipe didn’t seal properly and half of the water coming out was going all over the ground.
I was determined after all of the bullshit just to get it there and setup that I was going to get that fucker working. I spent about four hours filling up the hot tub with 5-gallon buckets from the kitchen sink.
Then the weather shifted. It started to snow. The temperature dropped to like 10 degrees.
The hot tub refused to get hot.
I had a party, which was one of the main reasons I had decided to set up the hot tub to begin with. Instead of any of us sitting in it there was a long debate about how to make it hotter. Some of us started pouring boiling water in it. Others suggested heating up a stone to plop in there, a few of us wondering if a hot stone would be so hot as to burn a hole through the bottom.
In any event, none of it worked. It stayed at a steady 97 degrees until finally, several days later, once the weather improved, made its way to 102.
It was quite a disaster. And a rather boring story to be honest, but then I started to look at this entire situation as a symbol for my most recent past relationship.
All of this effort for a few moments of pleasure. Then it just turns into a time suck that wastes energy, resources, and requires daily maintenance for use. The pH balance has to be just right and you have to take care of the filter to keep debris, dirt, random objects from causing damage, decay, imbalance.
The question comes down to whether or not it’s worth it for something hot and heavy.
The answer for me is no.
I don’t need my relationships to be projects. I don’t need to put all my energy into something that gives very little in return.
I’m grateful for all the help I got along the way and I’m sure we will get some use out of it, but lesson learned.
Next time when I want to get wet I’ll just take a bath.
Does dick size or height size really matter in the end?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a blog called Go Eat A Carrot, and because it’s a play on the male genitalia I get a lot of requests to talk about dick size. At the same time, I am also on Tinder and I see a lot of bio profiles with lines like, “5’9 since that seems to matter,” or “taller than you in heels,” or “5’10, 7” in heels,” etc etc. So, I want to take a minute to unpack some size issues, both the issues of height and the issues of dick size.
Let’s imagine for a second that the Size Goddess Fairy appeared before you and offered you two extra inches. Would you take those inches and make yourself taller, would you give yourself (or your lover) two inches more dick, or would you say fuck you, I’m perfect just the way I am?
I’m going to make a bold statement right now and say you’re perfect just the way you are.
Whatever you have to work with you can always make it work both for yourself and for your lovers.
Perhaps this is a mistake to say out loud because when I do I will have much more competition in this arena, but if you are a person who is attracted to men I suggest right now that you don’t discount the short guys.
It’s a pretty big secret shared only amongst the sex-positive sluts of the world that quite often short guys not only have big dicks but big personalities. They have learned to compensate for their lack of height by learning to become well-rounded people and not just assholes who get by on their looks alone.
Stereotypical mainstream “hot” people are quite often not that great in the bedroom or in conversation either. (This is not ALWAYS true, but it a closer to the truth.)
Also tall guys do not ALWAYS have big dicks. I would say that out of all the tall guys I’ve fucked only two have had super big dicks and all the others were moderate, sometimes even small.
What does matter is Big Dick Energy (BDE). Whether you’re male or female, tall or short, anyone can have Big Dick Energy. What it comes down to is confidence and assertiveness and an acceptance of who you are and what you have to offer to the world.
So maybe in the end, when the Size Goddess Fairy asks you where you want the two extra inches you can just apply it to your Big Dick Energy instead.
Today is my birthday and I am happy to be alive. I haven’t always been happy to be alive, particularly on my birthday.
In fact, the last two birthdays I was super depressed and dreaded the fact that my birthday existed at all. I did a lot of crying out of a sort of pain and emptiness.
But, I’ve been working on filling myself back up; today I cried for a moment too, not out of pain but because of all the beauty in this world.
As I reflect back on my 34 years on this planet I am in awe that I have made it this far.
And more than awe I am in a deep state of gratitude for all that I have and all that I’ve shared with so many amazing people on this planet.
I recently matched with this Dude-Bro-PUA(pick-up artist)-Troll on Tinder who ended up calling me all sorts of hateful names when I called him out on his behavior. One name he called me was “old,” which is funny on all sorts of levels. One, he was like 2 years younger than me. Two, I’m only 34. People live to like over a hundred these days. 34 is nothing in the grand scheme of what we experience as time.
Of course, because my birthday was coming up, that particular adjective stuck with me more than the others. There is truth in it too. There is a bit of pain in it as well. Yes, I am old. I am older than I was yesterday even. Yet, if I wasn’t this old I may not be as wise as my former self who would have probably hate-fucked that guy just to “teach him a lesson.”
Yeah, no, I am all of my former selves and also none of them.
I believe it was Sandra Cisneros who wrote in House of Mango Street (though I could be wrong because I couldn’t find it), “When you turn five you are also still four and three and two and one.”
Something like that.
I feel like we often don’t look at it that way. For example, I may be 34 but there could be times when the five-year-old me comes out or the 21 year old etc etc.
Because we are a collection of our experiences and yet we are also not. They shape us but they do not make us. We make ourselves. There is a core to us all, an essence if you will. A lot of our experiences shade that essence and then we try to hide the core of who we are to avoid pain. Yet, that avoidance is pain. The pain is still there. The hiding, the mask, causes more suffering than the pain. Better to just face the pain and return to the lightness of your being–if you will.
There is also pain in the realization that each moment we live we are one breath closer to death. Yet, this is only for people who subscribe to the linear version of time. All of those moments of my life and your life still exist somewhere in time. Death is just another unfolding of our experience on earth. The earth will continue on and so will the essence of who we are.
Who knows for certain.
In any event, my life so far has been filled with some of the most amazing people on this planet and if you’re reading this you are probably one of them, so thank you for being you. Even if I don’t like you, thank you because it’s just a reflection of something I don’t like about myself — and all I can do is grow from that discomfort.
So yeah, I’m old.
Fuck yes. It feels good to get old. To have all of this time to explore myself and the world around me. To have breakdowns and breakups; moments of pure joy and connectivity, moments of weakness, anger, fear, to feel a sense of peace, to know it will all work out even when it’s not working out, to feel a part of the universal unfolding and not separate from it or competing with it. Plus, to have all this gratitude and love and sex and good beer and everything and nothing.
Cheers to being old.
See my in my original outfit aka my Birthday Suit AND hear my Birthday Suit song when you become a patron on Patreon… Lowest tier is just $1. Don’t you want to give a girl a $1 for her birthday?!
For many singles, Valentine’s Day brings up a lot of gross feelings such as loneliness, despair, sadness. Those feelings are valid. Feel the feelings, but note that they too shall pass. Love is all around and already deep within. Here are a few ways to feel that love even more this Valentine’s Day–or any day of the year for that matter.
3 Ways to Enjoy Valentine’s Day When You’re Single
1. Give Love Back
For the past three years my best friend and I have made Valentine’s Day cards and have gone out on the streets of Denver to pass them and candy out to strangers walking by. Every year we’re amazed by the responses. People light up, they smile, they gush, they ask to take pics with us. For us it’s about giving back a bit of love to everyone regardless of who they are because we all deserve it, we are all worth it. So, if you’re feeling down one idea is to give back to others, whether you volunteer at a homeless shelter or volunteer to walk dogs or babysit for your couple friend who want a night out on the town, whatever style of giving you choose it’s a pretty powerful way to get out of your own head and see that love is all around you.
Self-love takes work. Just like it takes work to love others except often it’s much harder because we have to live with ourselves every moment of every day. I don’t know about you, but I have been known to get on my own nerves from time to time.
That being said, I also love myself. It’s fun to take a night and do things that make you feel good. Pamper the shit out of yourself.
Cook yourself a nice meal, drink a glass of wine or three, go get a massage or take a hot bath (add a herbal tea mix or bath bomb to the water to really treat yourself), write down your hopes and dreams, make one of those vision boards, read a good book (This is How You Lose Her, Jitterbug Perfume, O’ Pioneers I can go on and on), masturbate with a nice lube, maybe splurge and buy yourself a new toy, light a candle or two. Do you boo boo, you deserve it.
Valentine’s Day is a great time to reflect back on all that you have. Why not get a group of single friends together and celebrate how wonderful it is to be in each others lives? Make fancy cocktails or collaborate on a new project together (or both). If your friends are far away write them a letter that says how much they mean to you. This works with family members too. It’s never a bad time to say something good about someone dear to you. It might be just what they needed to hear or just what you needed to say to have a more joyful day.
Anyway, you go I hope you have a lovely holiday. I’ll be handing out Valentine’s on the streets of Denver as per usual. Perhaps I’ll see you out and about!
Yesterday I went to a therapist for the first time in my entire life.
I’ve been overcoming depression on and off for about twenty years give or take. It’s not that I’ve ever necessarily been afraid to go to therapy. I tell strangers my problems all the time over the internet. I’ve always thought that I could work through everything myself, I thought I was strong enough, that comparatively my problems were nothing.
Well, a few things happened all at once to finally get me to make the call. First, I ended yet another toxic relationship. Then, I went to Planned Parenthood after the end of this toxic relationship and discovered my pH balance in my vagina was off. Shock shock. Not a big deal. This happens to women all the time, we just tend to keep it to ourselves. They put me on antibiotics and thus for the last week I have not been drinking. I’ve instead been filling my time with a lot of reading and a lot of Netflixing.
One of the many books I’ve been plowing through is a book about Understanding the Enneagrams. At first, I thought this whole thing was going to be bullshit but bullshit can be entertaining. Initially, I was drawn to it from a writer’s perspective to better understand the motivations behind different people’s actions and reactions. Enneagrams divide people into 9 different personality types that continue to get more complicated and nuanced as you learn more.
As I was reading it I found that people I know fit within certain numbers perfectly. Like the guy I fell for most recently was an unhealthy 3; no self-worth thus manipulates and deceits people until he brings them down to his level. I found myself too. I’m an 8. The Challenger. The Challenger rises from a loss of innocence that can then manifest itself in lustful ways.
I’m binge-watching Russian Doll on Netflix. I love Natasha Lyonne and Chloe Sevigny. I stick with it even though it starts off as this Groundhog’s Day-esque format of which makes me go mad. Yet, I put my anxiety on hold.
There was something quite powerful with this show even though the repetition of repeating the same day can make a person crazy, which is exactly the point, right? You keep getting thrown these same situations over and over because you’ve never solved the problem you were meant to solve.
The only difference is that our patterns come back with different masks, we don’t get a do-over. (I will not go down the rabbit hole of alternative dimensions today because that just gets complicated.)
Anyway, so we can see the main character repeating the same patterns within the same time frame of a day, day after day, but it’s just the same as us waking up day after different day and getting to try again.
At the end, she is finally confronted with her loss of innocence. She has no where else to go and must take the steps to overcome the pain of her past. She has to kill the part of herself that she no longer the needs. The part of herself that has been trying to protect her all of these years but has instead started to do the opposite. This is not a physical death. It is a letting go.
Is this character an enneagram 8? Most def.
Is this all just coincidentally unfolding right here right now for me? Nah. It’s time.
It’s time for me to take proactive steps to stop my pattern that are holding me back. Sure, I’m strong, but I’m stronger now because I can admit that I can’t do everything on my own.
No matter if you’re shopping for a lover, friend, or yourself, discover these Valentine’s Day gift ideas as you celebrate the season of love.
Rev Up The Sexy
Sure, you could select erotic lacy lingerie or you could step it up a notch with a sex toy (or 12) guaranteed to keep the orgasms a coming.
There are so many options on the market these days from couples toys to male masturbators to clitoral vibrators, it would be hard to go wrong, especially if you’re picking from the high-end companies like Lelo, We-Vibe, Fun Factory etc.
If you really want to go all kinked out and have a bunch of extra cash just hanging around (lucky you) Lelo has this pretty amazing Anniversary Gift Set full of a dozen of crazy high-end contraptions that comes in its own suitcase (including handcuffs, impact toys, and vibrators).
If $1900 is out of your price range there are two other Pleasure Set options that look like a ton of fun.
Or hire someone else to do it for you. What’s more romantic than a customized poem? With Abigail Mott Poetry select a topic of your choice, fill her in on some of the juicy details of your love life and she’ll use her vintage typewriter to create words that that will capture the inner workings of your soul. What better way to express your deepest feelings?!
These poems also make great wedding gifts, friend gifts, or even gifts for your mother.
Whatever you do this Valentine’s Day I hope it’s filled with love, at the very least for yourself. If you’d like to share some love with me and get exclusives you won’t find anywhere else come join us on Patreon.
So, you survived the holiday season as a single entity. January has been alright since everyone is all about getting healthy and transforming into a new ‘you’ blah blah. But, the season of love approaches and your dating life has seen better days.
I’m going to offer a simple exercise to add to your daily life to potentially improve your dating life, because just like one would do crunches in order to strengthen their ab muscles one must also actively exercise their social skills.
I’m not going to tell you to delete your dating apps or to learn to love yourself more, I think both of those suggestions lean on the bullshit side of things.
Sure, dating apps can be discouraging, to say the least, but they are but one resource, one tool, in the world of romance and you might as well use all that you have, right? Because you never know. You definitely won’t know if you don’t try.
I mean, is wanting to have a meaningful relationship with another person keeping you from loving yourself? No.
Are you living your life doing the things you want to do?
Are you working on your own personal growth and development in the best way you can?
Because here’s the thing, we all do the best we can at the place that we’re at. Some days are going to better than other days. Some days you might be hard on yourself or be annoyed with yourself but that doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself enough.
What right does anyone else have to tell you how much love you have for yourself?
It’s sort of like when someone suggests that you “just be yourself,” as if that means anything, as if it was possible to somehow transform suddenly into another body with another personality.
If people were really trying to give you some good advice, the best advice would be to cut the “yourself” from the phrase and to suggest that you “just be.”
To be present in the moment that you are in and to not attach yourself so severely to your thoughts or your emotions.
Do you remember a time when you were angry or joyful or afraid? You can feel how that feeling felt but you also know that it’s a memory and you weren’t stuck in that feeling for your entire life. In that sense, when feelings arise in the present you can remember that they will not necessarily stick around either. This is an important skill to have in not just your dating life but life in general and is a much better suggestion than learning to love yourself more.
But, I digress.
Here’s a simple exercise to add to your everyday life. When you venture out into the world, try for the next couple of weeks to engage in conversation with at least 3 random people every day. I’m talking complete strangers–old ladies, kids, teachers, baristas, neighbors, friends of friends etc.
No, it doesn’t count to say, ‘how are doing’ to the guy at 711 every morning when you buy your doughnut or whatever, that’s just being a decent human being. I am suggesting a short dialogue involving at least one question that requires an answer beyond “fine.”
I know that this task may sound daunting to some people. Start with talking to one random person and go from there if three overwhelms you, but let me breakdown why this exercise has the potential to help your dating life.
Talking to strangers opens up connections. Suddenly, you and the people you interact with will feel a little less alone in the world. It’s a small act that contains much larger consequences. It’s recognizing our humanity. It’s a way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and break the invisible wall that we all often put up while in public spaces. It’s a way to be more engaged in your surroundings. It’s a way to make you an active participant in your own life, to write your own script instead of just watching your story unfold like a passive consumer.
Plus, you never know who you might meet. Once you’re at ease talking to someone else’s grandma or your best friend’s random cousin, it will not be out of character for you to talk to a random person you’re actually attracted. It will come out naturally. You will not be invested in the outcome but present in the moment of the interaction and thus will be more confident.
People are attracted to other people who are confident. We all know this, but many people don’t understand what it means or how to gain it, and I’m telling you right now. You have to hurl yourself into the unfamiliar until the unfamiliar is familiar.
You think I’m being overdramatic, I dare you to give it a try.
Here’s a short example of something that could happen. Let’s say you enjoy reading books, so one day you go to the bookstore and you’re hanging out in your favorite genre section. While you’re there you see an older woman in her 50s also browsing. So, you say something along the lines of,
“Excuse me. Hello. I just finished a really amazing book about _____ and now I’m afraid that nothing I pick will live up to its amazingness. Do you have any recommendations on amazing life-changing books? I feel it’s always better to ask another book lover than to just randomly pick something.”
Somehow you get into this crazy conversation about books and the best authors in the entire world.
As you’re wrapping up she says something like, “You know what, I think my niece would get a kick out of you. Are you seeing anyone?” And then, whoa, you just randomly got set up on a blind date.
OR nothing like that happens but you did just have an amazing conversation AND found a new book to read.
See where i’m going here?
Anyhoo. I am also single. So, if you’re willing to do this, I will do this as well because nothing is more bullshit than someone who tells someone else to try something that they aren’t willing to do themselves.
There will be days when you are just not in the mood. I would suggest to try it anyway because it’s the type of thing that could actually get you out of that mood.
Keep me posted on what happens, how you feel, etc. This shall be quite fun.
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Nothing says, “I love you,” like presents that have multiple purposes. Why not give the gift of pervertables this year? Here are three things that can be used in everyday life and also in the bedroom to add some kink to your play time.
Heart-Shaped Wooden Spoons
These are both beautiful and naughty. Use them to stir up some soup or take them to the bedroom and spank the night away.
This is one the most versatile oils money can buy. Not only can you use it for cooking you can also use it for hundreds of other things from cuticle softener, make-up remover, lotion, and as a massage oil.
It’s that time of the month again. No, not time for Aunt Flo to visit; time for whiskey flow to visit. I don’t know about you all but I’m pretty seasonal when it comes to the alcohol I’m drinking. I prefer whiskey in the late fall and winter. Whiskey warms you from the inside out. That’s why I’ve create the Randy Reindeer, a simple whiskey cocktail recipe that you can make in under a minute. You never know how quickly you might need a drink over the holiday season.
Booze and the holiday season always reminds me of one special Christmas way back when I was a freshman in High School. This is a story that I only told me family about last year and they were drunk so they probably don’t remember it. In other words, if you happen to actually know my family, how about you keep your mouth shut about this one, okay?
Anyway. My mom’s favorite drink is a long island iced tea. Since her birthday is a few days before Christmas it is often the case that these are the holiday drink of choice for the adults partaking. During this one particular year, when I was about 15, my mom and grandma and maybe an aunt or two all made themselves these giant long island drinks. If you are unfamiliar a Long Island is all the clear liquors (gin, vodka, tequila, triple sec and rum) + sweet and sour + coca cola / pepsi. Well, this year they all started sipping on their drinks then they started snarling their noses.
“This taste watered down to you?”
“Yeah. You think the ice melted too fast or what?”
“Maybe. Something tastes off.”
“It’s definitely not the best one I’ve ever had.”
Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the kitchen with them all trying really hard not to make any sort of facial signs to indicate my guilt. I wanted to both laugh and run out of the room at the same time in order to not get my ass kicked. You see, a month earlier I happened to switch out the vodka under my mom’s sink with water. I assumed no one would notice since the drinks are already so strong, but of course, I was young and dumb and wrong.
I let them drink their watered down drinks never saying a peep about it for over a decade.
This was of course way better than the time during another Christmas when my cousin and I got drunk while no one was looking and then when we were leaving my parents were like, “guess who’s driving home?! The sober teenager.” And looked at me. I can’t remember how I got out of that one exactly, but we’re all still here so I guess I did something right even though I’m so good at doing things all naughty like.