Sure. I like talking about SEX. But that was never the entire intention of Go Eat a Carrot. The purpose was for me to let loose on all the truth I have bottled up in me. And what’s true today is that I’m tired of trying to conform to other people’s desires. Yes, there’s an entire world out there of sexploration to be had, but I’m not in the mood.
There I said it, the horniest woman on the planet is not in the mood.
We must have entered an alternate universe.
I’m hot. I’m overheated. I’m bordering the line of anger and depression. I could cave in and just embrace the gray but why do that when I can fight it off?
I haven’t been to the grocery store in weeks. The last thing I ate yesterday was BBQ leftover from my friend’s 4th of July party. You know, a party that happened more than a week ago. Somehow I’m still alive and mostly getting all of my calories from beer, which I also ran out of last night.
You know in Denver you can get all of the above delivered to you? Groceries, beer, even sex if you know how to use Tinder right.
But I refuse! I have two legs. I can walk to the store. Yet, I don’t. I open the fridge and go,
‘oh look, three rotting limes and one old carrot. Guess I’ll come back and look in here again in 15 minutes and hope things have changed.”
At least I still have hope even though nothing changes unless you actually do the things that make changes, hence why I’m still stuck here, hungry, thinking about making a lime/carrot juice.
This morning I walked back into my house (after leaving man’s house and walking home) wearing the same clothes I had worn last night, my “walk of hell yeah, I got laid” (instead of the walk of shame… as there is no shame in getting laid). Anyway. I skipped into the kitchen because man had made me coffee before I left and my hangover was masked by a liquid blanket of caffeine. I opened the fridge and realized I had no food. I should have realized that earlier since I know for a fact that I haven’t been to the grocery store in over two weeks and yet somehow I always manage to find something to eat, even if it’s leftover celery from the wings I had eaten with another dude the night prior. In any event, I realized that I should probably get my shit together and go and get groceries. If I could walk a mile and a half to go on a date I can walk the 6 blocks it takes to get to Safeway.
I have been contemplating going vegan for a week just to like cleanse my system and force myself to eat healthy stuff like carrots and asparagus and eggplant and other foods that resemble penises that are supposed to help make you big, hard, and strong. I opened an old vegan cookbook that was on the shelf hoping it would inspire healthy eating and ideas on what to get at the grocery store. As I was leafing through the vegan cookbook a beautiful drawing fell out onto my lap. The drawing* is of a person with boobs and a giant cock jizzing all over with the word “Spunk” written out in jizzy-like font.
The drawing made me think back to the time when I actually was full-on vegan, for two whole years I refrained from the meat and the dairy and the eggs, and yes I still got laid. But! A debate would often come up in friend circles. Is human male ejaculate vegan?
The FINAL Answer.
Quite simply, yes.
Human male ejaculate contains sugars, proteins, and fatty acids that are designed to help the sperm along their journey to the egg (sperm itself only accounts for about 1% of jizz). Most men cum about a teaspoon of semen at a time. This teaspoon of guy-goo is about 5 to 25 calories and though it does contain protein you’d need to basically drink at least a 4 ounce glass of it to get any protein benefits.
But, the question was, is it vegan?!
Dudes. Chill. I know.
I already said YES. Cum is vegan.
If you’re vegan you can swallow a load any fucking time you want.
Assuming that you’re having consensual sex and the other person says it’s okay to eat their splooge.
Because consent is actually what makes ejaculate vegan. Consciousness allows one person to give permission to another person to eat something that has cum out of the body. I’m not sure you could get much more vegan than that actually.
Please don’t be dumb and try to argue with me that sperm is people. Sperm is not people, okay. Sperm is sperm. Sperm is owned by the dude and when that dude gives it to someone else they are giving a gift, not of life, but of sperm. Sperm is sperm… remember that the next time you’re eating a carrot.
Some vegans will only have sex with other vegans, typically this is for political reasons such as “I’m not fucking some non-woke meat eater.” Yet, my roommate just brought up the concept that some vegans think that meat will get into the sperm.
According to all of my research, there is only anecdotal evidence that diet impacts the taste/smell of sperm; it’s actually hydration that will determine the amount of cum that, well, comes out. As far as the meat going into the makeup of the sperm, that seems ridiculous and not accurate and I could find no scientific backing of that BUT prove me wrong?! I’m sure there’s a vegan out there ready to prove me wrong. I’m mean come on, you’re all a bunch of fucking food-trolls, I know because I used to be one of you.
*Do you want to own the above pictured found art piece? Name your price and contact me for details.
This is the weirdest way to eat a banana ever displayed on the internet
For 30 years I hated bananas. Then one day I went to a gong bath, which is a sound healing event where you lie on the floor for 90 minutes while someone plays a gong. During the gong bath I had this really weird trip, snakes were entering my mouth and vagina, slithering into my arms and legs, I wasn’t scared while it was happening even though I am deathly afraid of snakes in real life. The next day, I went to work and there was a pile of fruit on the snack shelf. Some of these fruits in the pile were bananas. I had not eaten a banana since I was about two years old. I didn’t like the smell of them. I didn’t like the texture of them. I didn’t like the taste of them. Yet, after the gong bath my dislike for bananas completely disappeared. I tore into one of the bananas and ate the whole thing without even making a face. Of course, they’re still not my favorite food but I eat them because they’re cheap and they make my nails long and they also sort of look like dicks and that’s funny to me.
Now, I can put pretty much any food in my mouth. The only food I dislike is beets, but I can eat them if I HAVE to, like they’re in a salad or something. I also wasn’t really impressed with pumpkin spiced pickled pumpkin, but how often does a person run into that?
In any event, I decided to film a moment of me eating a banana because it’s weird and I do weird things.
On this day I ate a banana. Watch it here.
It takes some time to eat an entire banana. Enjoy the End aka Part 2 here.