Nothing says, “I love you,” like presents that have multiple purposes. Why not give the gift of pervertables this year? Here are three things that can be used in everyday life and also in the bedroom to add some kink to your play time.
Heart-Shaped Wooden Spoons
These are both beautiful and naughty. Use them to stir up some soup or take them to the bedroom and spank the night away.
This is one the most versatile oils money can buy. Not only can you use it for cooking you can also use it for hundreds of other things from cuticle softener, make-up remover, lotion, and as a massage oil.
It’s that time of the month again. No, not time for Aunt Flo to visit; time for whiskey flow to visit. I don’t know about you all but I’m pretty seasonal when it comes to the alcohol I’m drinking. I prefer whiskey in the late fall and winter. Whiskey warms you from the inside out. That’s why I’ve create the Randy Reindeer, a simple whiskey cocktail recipe that you can make in under a minute. You never know how quickly you might need a drink over the holiday season.
Booze and the holiday season always reminds me of one special Christmas way back when I was a freshman in High School. This is a story that I only told me family about last year and they were drunk so they probably don’t remember it. In other words, if you happen to actually know my family, how about you keep your mouth shut about this one, okay?
Anyway. My mom’s favorite drink is a long island iced tea. Since her birthday is a few days before Christmas it is often the case that these are the holiday drink of choice for the adults partaking. During this one particular year, when I was about 15, my mom and grandma and maybe an aunt or two all made themselves these giant long island drinks. If you are unfamiliar a Long Island is all the clear liquors (gin, vodka, tequila, triple sec and rum) + sweet and sour + coca cola / pepsi. Well, this year they all started sipping on their drinks then they started snarling their noses.
“This taste watered down to you?”
“Yeah. You think the ice melted too fast or what?”
“Maybe. Something tastes off.”
“It’s definitely not the best one I’ve ever had.”
Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the kitchen with them all trying really hard not to make any sort of facial signs to indicate my guilt. I wanted to both laugh and run out of the room at the same time in order to not get my ass kicked. You see, a month earlier I happened to switch out the vodka under my mom’s sink with water. I assumed no one would notice since the drinks are already so strong, but of course, I was young and dumb and wrong.
I let them drink their watered down drinks never saying a peep about it for over a decade.
This was of course way better than the time during another Christmas when my cousin and I got drunk while no one was looking and then when we were leaving my parents were like, “guess who’s driving home?! The sober teenager.” And looked at me. I can’t remember how I got out of that one exactly, but we’re all still here so I guess I did something right even though I’m so good at doing things all naughty like.
We live in a culture that’s obsessed with love. Most people who aren’t in romantic relationships are in a sort of perpetual continual search for “the one,” while many who are with someone are in a continuous state of questioning whether the one they are with is “the one.”
To love ourselves is hard work, to love someone else is even harder.
To love someone who doesn’t love us back the way we want them to love us is torture.
Either way, whether you’re alone, in longing, or in reciprocal love there will always be pain.
The question comes down to what kind of pain can you most tolerate?
When you’re alone the pain seems to often manifest as boredom, a feeling of not being connected, accepted, understood. The pain of always having to make yourself happy.
When you’re in reciprocal love there’s the pain of frustrations, compromises, continual communication, perhaps irritation from being around someone all the time. The annoyance of not being understood by someone you thought understood you more than anyone else.
Longing for love is completely misery, anxiety, fear. It’s a desperation close to walking through the desert without any water. Fantasy
Of course, with the pain there is also pleasure.
Alone you have your freedoms. You have the capability to explore more of your own internal workings, to come to peace with your quirks and idiosyncrasies, to be weird without anyone else being able to judge it.
Reciprocal love gives both people added joy to their days and sex, let’s not forget about that.
Longing in love creates a world of fantasy. You can imagine a whole alternative world where you live happily ever after and within that fantasy you might be better off than in any reality of being with the actual person.
Because the truth of the matter is that along with all of our positive traits we all have flaws and annoying behaviors. These can range in scope from something as insignificant as smacking our mouths together when we eat to even bigger issues like avoidant behavior or straight up manipulation.
There’s the running argument that people need to be with other people. We’re pack-animals. Tribal. Our survival rests on each of us contributing, helping, supporting each other. Yet, how much of this needs to happen in a romantic way? In a monogamous way?
Would it be so bad to be alone yet have intimate non-sexual relationships with friends and family? Maybe we’ve all been approaching this all wrong? Perhaps we’re obsessed with the concept of love because we’re so bombarded by it every day? We’re bombarded by it because it creates such a huge distraction from dealing with our own shit. We’re bombarded with it because it helps keep our society running from the obvious reproductive side to the financial side of everything that goes into dating and marriage (fitness, appearance cost, dinners, houses, gifts, parties, booze etc).
If we all stopped collectively being obsessed with finding the one, if we let go of our longing for that which would never really work anyway, would that completely change our cultural landscape? And would that shift be better or worse?
It definitely wouldn’t hurt to take a step back and reevaluate it all that’s for sure. When we remove ourselves from the center of the situation it is often much more easier to see what’s really going on. Sure, love is a beautiful way of being but there are many ways to do it and it just might be time to try some alternative ways.
I love going home for the holidays. All I do is eat food, cruise around the gravel roads looking for deer, drink beer, watch terrible cable tv, laugh with my family etc. I’ve been single for a long time. So long in fact that I can’t even think of the last person I took home over Christmas to introduce to my family. I’ve become a professional at dealing with the question. You know what I’m talking about. You’re at the dinner table or you’re all drinking Long Island Iced Teas while eating pounds of desserts your mom has been baking all month, everything going along swimmingly when out of nowhere, someone, most likely your mother or your best friend from high school has to ask, “So, you seeing anyone special?”
Perhaps this question doesn’t bother you. If that’s the case, see you at my next blog. If you are single and it does get under your skin, here are some suggested clapbacks and/or legitimate responses.
Nothing says, “I don’t want to talk about this with you” than a classic distraction. Look toward the window. Furrow your brow. Hurry over, say, “what in the heecckk is that?” They’ll all rush over. That’s when you come up with something strange you thought you saw, “I swear I just saw a dude wearing an all-orange jumpsuit walking down the street with an accordian,” or “strange, it looked like a wolf, but maybe it was just a dog? You have feral dogs wandering your neighborhood now?” etc etc. Of course, the deflection typically only works for a few moments, days max, and then someone somewhere will find the nerve to bring it up yet again.
The Ego Stroke
This one is great because the phrasing of it makes the people around you feel special.
“I’ve been putting myself out there but I have yet to find anyone that meets the standards I learned to look for by being around such an amazing family.”
Just say it like it is, “No. There’s no one special.”
If they continue to annoy you, it’s always a joy to flip the question back on to them, “How’s your love life going?” Because regardless of whether they’re married or dating “someone” special that doesn’t mean they get a pass and should be out of the clear. No relationship is perfect and it can be helpful for them to get a taste of their own medicine. Perhaps, they’re realize what it feels like to be asked such questions and will refrain from doing so in the future.
“I’m focusing on my career and discovering hobbies I love to do. I recently started learning how to _____ and it’s been fun.”
If the person says something along the lines of, “well you should really get out there and date more.” You can always hit them with a statistic like, “from all the research I’ve done with regards to dating etc. every dating coach / advice column etc. suggests the best way to find love is to do the things you love. You’ll meet people that way and then you’ll already have a common connection, so, in this way I AM dating, by dating myself.”
From one of the greatest rap groups of all time, Salt n Peppa comes the lyrics, “It’s none of your business,” which you could always just start playing the song to the horror of your grandma (not my grandma, she’s the one I used to listen to it with) or you could say the same thing more gracefully like, “I’d prefer to leave my private life, private.”
Do you have a line you like to use? Or a strategy you employ when dealing with unwanted questions from your family? Leave your comments below. I’m always down for trying to tactics.
It’s that time of the year again! Can you believe it’s already the holiday season? Christmas is weeks away and a bunch of other holidays too. I’m not super into Christmas, but I can get into the spirits (gin, vodka, whiskey etc). I can also get into the spirit of winter. There’s something nice about it getting dark early and being able to cozy up inside by the (Amish) fireplace and watch movies or read a book or you guessed it, have sex.
If you’re the type who is super into sex, you know just like I do how much fun it is to spice it up on occasion. Nothing says “ho ho ho” quite like getting fucked while wearing a santa hat.
Here are three fantasy role play ideas based off of the holiday season. If you want more check out my patreon where I read erotic stories that I wrote myself based off of these sexy fantasy role play ideas.
The Naughty Elf
I already have pretty big pointy ears so this one isn’t hard for me to pull off (or is it hard and I pull it off?). Really you just need to wear Christmasy like clothing and add a couple of paddles, maybe this candy cane glass dildo, and some squeaky voices to this mix and you’re golden. I mean, why be nice when you can be naughty? It’s way more fun and pretty sure the gifts of pleasure you receive are far better than anything Santa might leave under the tree (unless you’re role-playing with Santa but that’s a story for below).
This one might be cutting it close to being considered a furry fetish, but you can take it as far or as not far as you want. My middle name is “Fawn” so when I went to the costume store the day after Halloween and there was a deer costume half-off I had to get it. Now it comes in handy more than once a year. I’m not sure what reindeer sound like when they’re mating, do they even make noises? Probably just a lot of mounting and huffing, I imagine this happening outside, steam from the hot bodies drifting in the air. Just be careful with the antlers, okay?
Who hasn’t thought about sitting on a sexy Santa’s lap or being the sexy Santa who’s lap gets sat upon? It’s so easy (and hopefully so hard). All it takes really is a Santa hat, but you could always go all out and wear the full suit. Perhaps Mrs. Santa can join. Or a naughty elf or two. Sometimes a dick-in-box is the best present a person can get.
Planning to try any of these yourself? Have better ones to suggest? Leave comments below. And be sure to follow my Patreon for those erotic tales written and read aloud by yours truly (and yes, each week I’m dressing up at one of the above characters). Happy Holidays and I hope you can Ho Ho Ho it up all month long!
Sure, these stocking stuffers are not the most conventional, but they sure are sexy. You can always put it together and give it behind closed doors to your favorite someone if you like, have kids or whatever. Or slip a couple of these in after Santa comes to make your entire family laugh or cringe, naughty naughty (always way more fun than being nice).
Sexy Stocking Stuffer Ideas
Get Lubed Up
Nothing says “get fucked,” like a nice bottle of lube. This brand is pretty amazing and it smells like a cookie, so you can ho ho ho all day long.
Small yet powerful, bullet vibes are a must-have addition to any sexy bedroom. You can use them directly on the clit or add them to prostate toys, anal plugs etc. for some extra pizzaz. This one is cheap and takes a AAA Battery, which is much preferred over the little watch batter vibrators (of course if you want the best of the best when it comes to bullet vibes I always recommend the we-vibe tango).
Add a new sensation to male masturbation with this one-use soft-sleeve. Textured to add to stimulation and help make for a unique orgasm. Plus, they’re kind of funny, if you’re into sex humor in any way. But, if you’re serious about male masturbation, then also, you should try everything out there, including this.
Better safe than sorry, as they say. Give the men in your life an ego-boost with the Magnum X-Large. Or send good luck to the single straight ladies with a box of these bad boys. Condoms can get pricey, particularly when you’re buying them all the time, so it’s not only a healthy gift but a thoughtful one.
Men have really come up with interesting ways to torture themselves–and let’s face it, to also torture women in the process of torturing themselves.
First, there was No Shave November, which tortured many mens’ faces with terrible terrible facial hair looks. No, you do not look good with a moustache. No one looks good with a moustache. (Okay, there may be about three exceptions in the entire world, but I can take a gamble here and say your face is not one of them.)
And now there’s No Nut November.
A way to torture yourself by not allowing your penis to release any ejaculate for 30 days.
The main philosophy of Go Eat A Carrot, is pleasure first. So, the idea of not masturbating (to completion) for an entire month could be viewed as going completely against my belief system. Yet, maybe not.
There is a beauty in the choice to take on anything challenging.
People go on food fasts all the time and since sex and food are on the same level of human need, I think it’s pretty easy to compare noFap to that.
I went through quite a few of the subReddit NoNutNomember posts in an attempt to better understand the motivations behind it.
I get that it’s a test of will power. Some claim to even improve mental clarity and come to terms with some deeper emotional issues that they’ve been covering up through porn and wanking.
I’m a bit curious as to why masturbation seems so all-consuming to the No-Nutters. Like, it takes me less than 10 minutes a day to achieve and it’s actually good for one’s mental and physical health. Perhaps, if you’re spending hours upon hours watching porn and jerkin the gherkin than yeah, maybe taking some time off is a good idea.
This all comes down to your own personal state of well-being. You really need to ask yourself why you are compelled to stop doing something people do naturally all the time.
Has it become unnatural? Unpleasant? Is it over-taking your life? Does it just sound like a fun challenge? Do you feel the need to join a community of people who call you a soldier even though you prob have never served in any sort of military service? (That’s one of the things that’s the most bizzare about this newer trend, but I feel like I’ll just save that analysis for someone else to take care of as there’s too much to unpack with that in one blog.) Are you a masochists who like torturing yourself with ridiculous physical challenges? Do you have an issue with addiction? Are you curious to know if you can do it just based on that alone?
Are you also participating in No Shave November and because of that you realize no one will actually want to have sex with you while you have weird sad hair growing on your face?
Clearly, I have a lot of questions.
In years past I’ve done my own Manless May thing. This was more so to cleanse my dating palate. To rediscover my wants, likes, desires. Of course, I still masturbated. And “manless” did not include “womanless,” but in any event, I do understand the motivations behind taking a break from something you do regularly. It gives you time to reflect on the why. It gives you time to reevaluate if that behavior is healthy or helpful. And then, when you do finally womp the weasel it could in fact be way MORE pleasurable just because you’ve restrained yourself for so long and built up the anticipation.
If you participated in No Nut November, please enlighten me on why, how, what etc. I’m genuinely curious. Also, if you need something to really get your December 1st going, I’ve got plenty of fapping materials for you to pursue through on my Patreon.
If you did wank this month or you didn’t wank this month you’re still a winner in my book.
A couple of weeks ago a fan sent in a question asking for advice on the best most polite way to ask his girlfriend to shave her pubic hair. This was because it was a turn on for him to see more of what she had going on down there. You can read my reply to his pubic hair question here.
It was interesting timing to receive said question. I had just gone about two whole weeks without having sex with another person and during that time period my hair didn’t just go wild, it went out of control. I’m pretty sure I could have braided it. I’m pretty sure it started braiding itself.
I discovered I did actually have a preference when it came to my own pubic hair length. The preference now is for it to not be so long other people might choke on it and die. I don’t really like it completely bald. I like to have a least some barrier between my genital skin and someone else’s.
Strangely enough in my 20 years of having pubic hair while on this planet, I have never had anyone else ever shave my pussy (nor have I had a bikini wax, but one step at a time).
That is, I had never had anyone shave my pussy until last week.
To tell you the truth it was scarier to have this gentleman shave my pussy than it was to be in a truck going 60 miles an hour through stop signs through residential neighborhoods with a driver who was on acid. Why? Because if he wrecked his truck I was dead, but if he wrecked the trimmer, my pussy was dead. The fear of walking around with a dead pussy was scarier than being completely and totally dead dead.
Having someone else shave my pussy was one of the most vulnerable things I have ever done. It was also a good workout because I basically stood in a squat position in this standing shower so he could have a better angle. Perhaps that’s also why it was scary, I didn’t know if my legs would give out mid buzz.
Was it sexy? It was sexy watching him concentrate. It was sexy letting my guard down. Was the act itself sexy, no, it tickled.
The acts AFTER the pussy buzz cut were pretty fucking hot though. I think he was happy to no longer nearly choke to death on my hair. Though the hair from my head still ends up everywhere, but that’s a problem for another day.
This past week I’ve had more than one stranger on the internet bring up this idea of settling in romantic relationships. I know that it’s peak cuffing season and many people are out scrambling trying to find someone to spend the cold winter with, but I have to ask the people doing this, why?
It felt like perhaps the reason this topic kept coming up was that people are struggling with their own deep insecurities when it comes to romance. They say it out loud as a way to tell themselves not to do it because for whatever reason they are tempted to settle themselves.
Of course, it could be a passive-aggressive way for them to imply that the choices I am making could be better aka I could be going out with them, but that seems pretty egotistical of me to consider. Anyone actually doing that would be someone I would never want to date, one person, in particular, couldn’t let it go that I didn’t want to hang out with him or receive his (unasked for) help and that person quickly got himself blocked.
Yet, this idea of settling has continued to stir around in my brains.
Let’s talk for a minute about why people choose to settle.
From what I understand it stems from two main insecurities–fear and loneliness.
Fears that they will always be alone. Fears that they will never be understood. Fears that they aren’t good enough or worthy enough for true love.
People make all sorts of interesting relationship decisions to avoid loneliness. Yes, it can be painful to spend time by yourself, but if you’re experiencing pain while alone then it’s the most vital time to be alone. No one else can fill that void they are merely a distraction, a deflection and sooner or later all those gross feelings you were trying to avoid will rise again to the surface whether you’re living with or loving someone else.
It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to be alone. One must experience the wide world of emotions to truly grasp the beauty of it all. If you’ve never been alone then you’d have no idea what it’s like to be present with someone else. If you’ve never really seen yourself, you’ll never be able to see someone else, really see them– and only when you can see them can you truly love them.
So, this cuffing season, why not take a step back, reflect on who you are and what you really want. Sure, it might be nice to have someone to cuddlefuck while you watch Netflix together, but if you’re just using each other to stay warm wouldn’t it be easy to just buy a heated blanket?
Yes, doing that inner work is going to be much more difficult, but it will bring much more joy in the long run and yes, real true love too.
In other words, stop running from your dark side, embrace it and learn how to work with it instead of against it. This will at least help you become more emotionally intelligent and stop settling for people, jobs, addictions that don’t serve you in any sort of authentic or meaningful way.
The other day I pissed my roommate off and made the entire room feel real uncomfortable because I have no filter and can be completely tactless. She introduced me to a friend who had crashed the night before, I mentioned that I had already said hello to him but didn’t bother to ask his name because it seemed like an irrelevant thing to know.
She disagreed, said it was rude.
I agreed with her disagreement, but I still feel like it’s silly to learn someone’s name before knowing anything about them. Like, is this a piece of information that I need in my brain? My brain has only so much capacity for learning new things; it’s not necessarily a one in one out type of brain, but it’s pretty close to that.
According to a study by evolutionary psychology professor Robin Dunbar our brains have the capacity to remember about 150 people’s names and faces without a prompt, he says, “there is a cognitive limit to the number of individuals with whom any one person can maintain stable relationships.”
So when I meet new people I feel like they have to have something of value to replace someone else who already made it in that top 150.
This apparently is wrong.
I’m fine with being wrong sometimes.
I spent a good part of yesterday watching youtube videos on the psychology of people. Many of the videos were about how to get people to like you, how to be charming, or how to not be boring etc.
The information wasn’t mind-blowing, but it did get me thinking.
Why do we want people to like us?
It seems like the answer is actually pretty selfish. We want people to like us so we can get stuff from them.
We want them to give us attention, buy stuff from us, entertain us, give us support, stroke our egos, date us, love us.
Why? Because negativity = pain. When people don’t care about us it makes us feel shitty and no one likes to feel shitty. Even if we don’t know the other person and shouldn’t care what they think about us, most people would prefer the ‘like’ to the ‘dislike’ but either is better than indifference.
Isn’t it better to be hated than to not be thought about at all?
I know a lot of people who know me might be thinking, ‘out of all the people in the world giving others advice on charm perhaps you’re not the best for the job.’ And to those people I’d have to say, perhaps I just didn’t care to charm you?
Being charismatic is simple. All you have to do is make people feel good about who they already are, in other words, you put your own ego aside and pay attention to them.
This is why all the advice out there tells you to remember people’s names, because people get off on hearing their name spoken out loud. It’s really on you to decide if you want to make that sort of mental investment. It’s probably not going to hurt that much and you probably have plenty of space in your hard drive to remember a multitude of names, I mean 150 is a pretty big number. Most people fail because they’re lazy and really don’t care. I am one of those people, but I’ve decided to work on it.
If you’re still trying to get better at the whole name thing another tactic is to get them talking about stuff that they’re most passionate about. I’m not talking about where they work. I’m talking about the one thing they’re into that they won’t be able to shut up about. Everyone has at least one of those things. The more they talk, the more they will like you. It’s weird, but it works.
In the end, I’d suggest talking to someone wearing a dress or a skirt because then you won’t have to worry about charming their pants off since they aren’t actually wearing any.