For the majority of my life, I have hated the word horny.
Perhaps it was Austin Powers’ fault. You remember the “do I make you horny, baby?” line that he’d always say. It was kind of funny when he said it, but it was not funny when every immature asshole in my school when around quoting those movies all day long.
Why was that such a dude-phase? Is it still a dude phase? What movies are the pre-bros quoting now? I have so many questions and none of them have to do with this current topic of horniess, but I digress and regress.
As a writer I think a lot about words, often to the point where words start to sound like sounds and mean nothing whatsoever anymore, yet horny, ew, anyway you slice or dice it, no matter how many times you say it still rolls off the tongue in an unflattering way.
Based on my research on the etymology of sexual slang the word ‘horny’ comes from the most obvious of places– ‘of the horn,’ ‘the horn’ being slang for an erect penis.
It makes sense that men would call their erect penis’s horns. Let’s all admit though that comparably the human male has the saddest horn of all– only hard when sexually stimulated and even then only temporarily. And when they confront another horn with their horn it usually ends up in some weird sword fight situation over a toilet.
Yet, because of how language tends to change and shift over time, the word horny is now used by people of all genders to indicate their current state of high sexual arousal.
The truth of the matter is that there are not very many great words to use to describe being sexually aroused. Saying ‘I’m so aroused right now,‘ sounds ridiculous.
Amorous–comes from the root -amor which means love and has more of a passion-filled meaning behind it. “I’m feeling amorous,” also sounds weird.
‘Turned on’ is probably the most acceptable phrase.
Of course these days there’s some new slang hitting the sex world, “thirsty” comes to mind.
Frisky is nearly as bad as horny though it reminds me more of a state of a fluffy leg-humping dog than a person.
“Erotically charged,” might sound good on paper but to use it as a phrase to self-describe seems silly as well.
So here we all are back at horny.
I have no good replacement words or phrases. The only suggestion I can make is to skip the horny language and go straight to what you’re looking for– ‘give me that D,” or “come fuck my brains out,” or “I want you inside me,” etc. etc.
Feel free to comment below on sex words you find unsexy or give me suggestions on words to use instead of horny, I’ve been trying to find a good one for ages.
Also– if you’re feeling horny or you want to feel even hornier– join us on Patreon for more exclusives.
A couple of weeks ago my friend offered me her hot tub. This is one of those inflatable hot tubs that fits like 4 to 6 people. She said I could have it if I cleaned it out and found a way to get it to my house.
When I arrived the hot tub was deflated and covered in snow. Once I got the snow off I discovered that it also had two inches of solid ice gluing it to the ground.
I spent the entire afternoon boiling water trying to melt the ice while lightly hitting it with a hoe to break up the ice but not so heavy as to put a hole through the bottom of it.
Getting it to my house was another kind of disaster.
Eventually, I succeeded.
It was then, at my house that I remembered how the neighbors had decided to randomly build a new fence over the summer without telling us and how the construction workers had busted our outdoor pipe. They replaced it with some cheap PVC which busted during our first winter day.
One of my very helpful and thoughtful friends helped me repair the busted pipe.
I thought we were good to go, but the instructions on inflating the hot tub were ridiculous and I couldn’t figure it out. Another friend came along and assisted.
Finally, after more cleaning etc. I was able to start filling it up. That’s when we realized the pipe didn’t seal properly and half of the water coming out was going all over the ground.
I was determined after all of the bullshit just to get it there and setup that I was going to get that fucker working. I spent about four hours filling up the hot tub with 5-gallon buckets from the kitchen sink.
Then the weather shifted. It started to snow. The temperature dropped to like 10 degrees.
The hot tub refused to get hot.
I had a party, which was one of the main reasons I had decided to set up the hot tub to begin with. Instead of any of us sitting in it there was a long debate about how to make it hotter. Some of us started pouring boiling water in it. Others suggested heating up a stone to plop in there, a few of us wondering if a hot stone would be so hot as to burn a hole through the bottom.
In any event, none of it worked. It stayed at a steady 97 degrees until finally, several days later, once the weather improved, made its way to 102.
It was quite a disaster. And a rather boring story to be honest, but then I started to look at this entire situation as a symbol for my most recent past relationship.
All of this effort for a few moments of pleasure. Then it just turns into a time suck that wastes energy, resources, and requires daily maintenance for use. The pH balance has to be just right and you have to take care of the filter to keep debris, dirt, random objects from causing damage, decay, imbalance.
The question comes down to whether or not it’s worth it for something hot and heavy.
The answer for me is no.
I don’t need my relationships to be projects. I don’t need to put all my energy into something that gives very little in return.
I’m grateful for all the help I got along the way and I’m sure we will get some use out of it, but lesson learned.
Next time when I want to get wet I’ll just take a bath.
Does dick size or height size really matter in the end?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a blog called Go Eat A Carrot, and because it’s a play on the male genitalia I get a lot of requests to talk about dick size. At the same time, I am also on Tinder and I see a lot of bio profiles with lines like, “5’9 since that seems to matter,” or “taller than you in heels,” or “5’10, 7” in heels,” etc etc. So, I want to take a minute to unpack some size issues, both the issues of height and the issues of dick size.
Let’s imagine for a second that the Size Goddess Fairy appeared before you and offered you two extra inches. Would you take those inches and make yourself taller, would you give yourself (or your lover) two inches more dick, or would you say fuck you, I’m perfect just the way I am?
I’m going to make a bold statement right now and say you’re perfect just the way you are.
Whatever you have to work with you can always make it work both for yourself and for your lovers.
Perhaps this is a mistake to say out loud because when I do I will have much more competition in this arena, but if you are a person who is attracted to men I suggest right now that you don’t discount the short guys.
It’s a pretty big secret shared only amongst the sex-positive sluts of the world that quite often short guys not only have big dicks but big personalities. They have learned to compensate for their lack of height by learning to become well-rounded people and not just assholes who get by on their looks alone.
Stereotypical mainstream “hot” people are quite often not that great in the bedroom or in conversation either. (This is not ALWAYS true, but it a closer to the truth.)
Also tall guys do not ALWAYS have big dicks. I would say that out of all the tall guys I’ve fucked only two have had super big dicks and all the others were moderate, sometimes even small.
What does matter is Big Dick Energy (BDE). Whether you’re male or female, tall or short, anyone can have Big Dick Energy. What it comes down to is confidence and assertiveness and an acceptance of who you are and what you have to offer to the world.
So maybe in the end, when the Size Goddess Fairy asks you where you want the two extra inches you can just apply it to your Big Dick Energy instead.
For many singles, Valentine’s Day brings up a lot of gross feelings such as loneliness, despair, sadness. Those feelings are valid. Feel the feelings, but note that they too shall pass. Love is all around and already deep within. Here are a few ways to feel that love even more this Valentine’s Day–or any day of the year for that matter.
3 Ways to Enjoy Valentine’s Day When You’re Single
1. Give Love Back
For the past three years my best friend and I have made Valentine’s Day cards and have gone out on the streets of Denver to pass them and candy out to strangers walking by. Every year we’re amazed by the responses. People light up, they smile, they gush, they ask to take pics with us. For us it’s about giving back a bit of love to everyone regardless of who they are because we all deserve it, we are all worth it. So, if you’re feeling down one idea is to give back to others, whether you volunteer at a homeless shelter or volunteer to walk dogs or babysit for your couple friend who want a night out on the town, whatever style of giving you choose it’s a pretty powerful way to get out of your own head and see that love is all around you.
Self-love takes work. Just like it takes work to love others except often it’s much harder because we have to live with ourselves every moment of every day. I don’t know about you, but I have been known to get on my own nerves from time to time.
That being said, I also love myself. It’s fun to take a night and do things that make you feel good. Pamper the shit out of yourself.
Cook yourself a nice meal, drink a glass of wine or three, go get a massage or take a hot bath (add a herbal tea mix or bath bomb to the water to really treat yourself), write down your hopes and dreams, make one of those vision boards, read a good book (This is How You Lose Her, Jitterbug Perfume, O’ Pioneers I can go on and on), masturbate with a nice lube, maybe splurge and buy yourself a new toy, light a candle or two. Do you boo boo, you deserve it.
Valentine’s Day is a great time to reflect back on all that you have. Why not get a group of single friends together and celebrate how wonderful it is to be in each others lives? Make fancy cocktails or collaborate on a new project together (or both). If your friends are far away write them a letter that says how much they mean to you. This works with family members too. It’s never a bad time to say something good about someone dear to you. It might be just what they needed to hear or just what you needed to say to have a more joyful day.
Anyway, you go I hope you have a lovely holiday. I’ll be handing out Valentine’s on the streets of Denver as per usual. Perhaps I’ll see you out and about!
No matter if you’re shopping for a lover, friend, or yourself, discover these Valentine’s Day gift ideas as you celebrate the season of love.
Rev Up The Sexy
Sure, you could select erotic lacy lingerie or you could step it up a notch with a sex toy (or 12) guaranteed to keep the orgasms a coming.
There are so many options on the market these days from couples toys to male masturbators to clitoral vibrators, it would be hard to go wrong, especially if you’re picking from the high-end companies like Lelo, We-Vibe, Fun Factory etc.
If you really want to go all kinked out and have a bunch of extra cash just hanging around (lucky you) Lelo has this pretty amazing Anniversary Gift Set full of a dozen of crazy high-end contraptions that comes in its own suitcase (including handcuffs, impact toys, and vibrators).
If $1900 is out of your price range there are two other Pleasure Set options that look like a ton of fun.
Or hire someone else to do it for you. What’s more romantic than a customized poem? With Abigail Mott Poetry select a topic of your choice, fill her in on some of the juicy details of your love life and she’ll use her vintage typewriter to create words that that will capture the inner workings of your soul. What better way to express your deepest feelings?!
These poems also make great wedding gifts, friend gifts, or even gifts for your mother.
Whatever you do this Valentine’s Day I hope it’s filled with love, at the very least for yourself. If you’d like to share some love with me and get exclusives you won’t find anywhere else come join us on Patreon.
So, you survived the holiday season as a single entity. January has been alright since everyone is all about getting healthy and transforming into a new ‘you’ blah blah. But, the season of love approaches and your dating life has seen better days.
I’m going to offer a simple exercise to add to your daily life to potentially improve your dating life, because just like one would do crunches in order to strengthen their ab muscles one must also actively exercise their social skills.
I’m not going to tell you to delete your dating apps or to learn to love yourself more, I think both of those suggestions lean on the bullshit side of things.
Sure, dating apps can be discouraging, to say the least, but they are but one resource, one tool, in the world of romance and you might as well use all that you have, right? Because you never know. You definitely won’t know if you don’t try.
I mean, is wanting to have a meaningful relationship with another person keeping you from loving yourself? No.
Are you living your life doing the things you want to do?
Are you working on your own personal growth and development in the best way you can?
Because here’s the thing, we all do the best we can at the place that we’re at. Some days are going to better than other days. Some days you might be hard on yourself or be annoyed with yourself but that doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself enough.
What right does anyone else have to tell you how much love you have for yourself?
It’s sort of like when someone suggests that you “just be yourself,” as if that means anything, as if it was possible to somehow transform suddenly into another body with another personality.
If people were really trying to give you some good advice, the best advice would be to cut the “yourself” from the phrase and to suggest that you “just be.”
To be present in the moment that you are in and to not attach yourself so severely to your thoughts or your emotions.
Do you remember a time when you were angry or joyful or afraid? You can feel how that feeling felt but you also know that it’s a memory and you weren’t stuck in that feeling for your entire life. In that sense, when feelings arise in the present you can remember that they will not necessarily stick around either. This is an important skill to have in not just your dating life but life in general and is a much better suggestion than learning to love yourself more.
But, I digress.
Here’s a simple exercise to add to your everyday life. When you venture out into the world, try for the next couple of weeks to engage in conversation with at least 3 random people every day. I’m talking complete strangers–old ladies, kids, teachers, baristas, neighbors, friends of friends etc.
No, it doesn’t count to say, ‘how are doing’ to the guy at 711 every morning when you buy your doughnut or whatever, that’s just being a decent human being. I am suggesting a short dialogue involving at least one question that requires an answer beyond “fine.”
I know that this task may sound daunting to some people. Start with talking to one random person and go from there if three overwhelms you, but let me breakdown why this exercise has the potential to help your dating life.
Talking to strangers opens up connections. Suddenly, you and the people you interact with will feel a little less alone in the world. It’s a small act that contains much larger consequences. It’s recognizing our humanity. It’s a way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and break the invisible wall that we all often put up while in public spaces. It’s a way to be more engaged in your surroundings. It’s a way to make you an active participant in your own life, to write your own script instead of just watching your story unfold like a passive consumer.
Plus, you never know who you might meet. Once you’re at ease talking to someone else’s grandma or your best friend’s random cousin, it will not be out of character for you to talk to a random person you’re actually attracted. It will come out naturally. You will not be invested in the outcome but present in the moment of the interaction and thus will be more confident.
People are attracted to other people who are confident. We all know this, but many people don’t understand what it means or how to gain it, and I’m telling you right now. You have to hurl yourself into the unfamiliar until the unfamiliar is familiar.
You think I’m being overdramatic, I dare you to give it a try.
Here’s a short example of something that could happen. Let’s say you enjoy reading books, so one day you go to the bookstore and you’re hanging out in your favorite genre section. While you’re there you see an older woman in her 50s also browsing. So, you say something along the lines of,
“Excuse me. Hello. I just finished a really amazing book about _____ and now I’m afraid that nothing I pick will live up to its amazingness. Do you have any recommendations on amazing life-changing books? I feel it’s always better to ask another book lover than to just randomly pick something.”
Somehow you get into this crazy conversation about books and the best authors in the entire world.
As you’re wrapping up she says something like, “You know what, I think my niece would get a kick out of you. Are you seeing anyone?” And then, whoa, you just randomly got set up on a blind date.
OR nothing like that happens but you did just have an amazing conversation AND found a new book to read.
See where i’m going here?
Anyhoo. I am also single. So, if you’re willing to do this, I will do this as well because nothing is more bullshit than someone who tells someone else to try something that they aren’t willing to do themselves.
There will be days when you are just not in the mood. I would suggest to try it anyway because it’s the type of thing that could actually get you out of that mood.
Keep me posted on what happens, how you feel, etc. This shall be quite fun.
Enjoy this article? Want more? Get exclusives by joining the badasses on my Patreon. Or show your support by sending me a gift off my Amazon Wish List or just straight-up send me money. This goddess would love some more money.
One warm evening during my first (and currently only) trip to Burning Man my friend and I decided we were going to ride our bikes all the way across the Playa to check out this DJ set that was going all night long. Of course, it being Burning Man, I never made it to the DJ set. Along the way we were yelled at by a bunch of guys in kilts who insisted we stop and drink a beer with them. Since my friend and I are quite talented at drinking beer we agreed. Turns out, we were drinking beer at an Australian BDSM Kink camp. They were playing this dice game where if you lost you had to take a beating and if you won you got to beat one of the Doms playing. There were a couple of people ahead of me and I got a little bored waiting.
Finally, I was like, can someone just hit me with something because I don’t care about playing this game.
Of course, when I said that I was making direct eye contact with the hottest guy at the camp, and at that point the hottest guy I had seen at Burning Man (until the Hottest Sex I’ve Ever Had story happened later), he quickly agreed. I found out his name was Tetris.
Tetris made his own toys and flogged me with his favorite flogger. Then after he flogged me about 60x times with that flogger he proceeded to test pretty much every single other device they had at the camp, which was a lot of devices. The toy that hurt the most and left the biggest mark was a paddle with a bunch of holes carved out. He hit me so hard with that paddle it left circles on my ass that lasted basically the rest of the time I was there. See for yourself:
Anyway, many more adventures continued with Tetris, I even found a way to get out of these fancy handcuffs that he claimed no woman had ever been able to get out of before, but all of that for another day, another time, perhaps in my book if we’re all lucky.
The whole point of the story was to say that I have experienced many different types of floggers, paddles, crops, hands, pervertables in my lifespan thus far. But I had yet to try a tawse. In fact, I didn’t even know there was a particular word for this shape of toy until I looked into it more.
Turns out the tawse was used as a form of punishment for school children, mostly in Scotland. In fact, it was used in Scotland up until 1987, so some of you Scotts may still have fond memories of this tool. And by fond I mean horrific.
The tawse I recently acquired from the amazing company Tantus has 4-tongues and is made out of ultra-premium silicone, which is somehow even more intense then the typical leather. It also has a six inch handle that can be used for impact play or as an insertable. The tawse is also Hypoallergenic, Hygienic, Boilable, Bleachable and Dishwasher Safe.
I’ll tell you what, my friend came by one day, she picked it up and slapped me playfully across the thigh and even that light impact hurt like a bitch. I felt it for at least an hour afterward. This is not a toy to fuck around with, it will leave a mark. My roommate and I tested it briefly over our jeans. We did some light warm ups with a couple of heavy hits and that was enough to make me stand around instead of sit down for awhile.
I’m honestly kind of scared to hand it over to a Dom because I do like being able to walk around and I’m not sure I’ll be able to use my backside for a week after. I will do it though because even though I’m a switch I do lean more on the masochist side, I just have to prepare my brain for the pain. A let go of control of course.
There’s still a lot to test with it so I’ll do another update as I mess around with it more.
That being said, if you’re looking to up the intensity of your play sessions this is a good way to go. It’s much cheaper than a trip to Burning Man, though if you make it there and find a sexy man named Tetris tell him I say hello.
How I Violate Community Guidelines Every Day of My Life
As many of you have probably noticed I’ve taken a bit of a breather from the blog. There were multiple reasons for this such as holiday travel / family gatherings, falling in a deep dark well of depression, and getting in trouble yet again on yet another online social platform.
I was left feeling rather stuck. Rather annoyed. I began questioning everything I’ve been doing the last nine months. Like, why am I continuing to talk about sex when every time I do I find myself getting spanked quite unpleasantly by a bunch of puritanical freedom-of-speech haters?
So far I’ve gotten warnings, strikes, deletions etc. from Instagram (complete deletion), Tinder (flagged and removed photo), Patreon (forced deletion of content), Mailchimp (deletion of account), and YouTube (two strikes). I’ll tell you, it’s getting old.
I’m talking about this not to necessarily whine about my predicaments (or preDICKaments haha) but to point out that this is not just a violation of my freedom of speech, but of everyone else’s freedom to learn, explore, discover. Sexuality shouldn’t be shamed. We should be able to express it without the fear of being removed from a platform. It’s not my fault or your fault that the creators of these platforms can’t differentiate between pornography and sexual expression / education.
I don’t even know where to begin on the issues I’ve had regarding the promotion of sex toys. I guess adults aren’t allowed to play?
But to be completely honest, yes this has been frustrating but more than that, I’ve gotten bored.
Who knew that sex could become so boring?
Well, now I know when it becomes a chore to talk about it, take sexy pics on the regular, always be researching it, etc. doing it because I have to test something or try something to discuss it later, that’s when it becomes boring. At times it feels like way too much surface and not enough depth. Yes, I have nice tits, but that’s not necessarily interesting. It’s just how my body grew into itself.
Thus I’ve been struggling with what I want to do with this blog. Initially it was designed as a way for me to release the truth of what I know (which isn’t much tbh) into the world. Much of what I know is about sexuality because that’s what my background education is in, but that’s not really getting to the truth of much.
So, this next year, I’m going to go back to my original intent. I’ll still talk about sex, dating, relationships etc. but I’ll be throwing in other random topics as well because I want to entertain myself. Yes, I love having readers. I love having your support. But, if I veer away from the root of who I am it will all become vapid and get lost in internet space.
Side note, I’m still working through the issues with Patreon, but I hope to have some new posts up soon, perhaps today and definitely the usually Freaky Fan Friday video and erotica readings.
If you want to show your support without supporting Patreon feel free to email me to discuss the best ways to tip.
Thank you all for your patience as I renew and refresh this blog and all my other social media pages. May your pleasure always come first.
Nothing says, “I love you,” like presents that have multiple purposes. Why not give the gift of pervertables this year? Here are three things that can be used in everyday life and also in the bedroom to add some kink to your play time.
Heart-Shaped Wooden Spoons
These are both beautiful and naughty. Use them to stir up some soup or take them to the bedroom and spank the night away.
This is one the most versatile oils money can buy. Not only can you use it for cooking you can also use it for hundreds of other things from cuticle softener, make-up remover, lotion, and as a massage oil.
It’s that time of the month again. No, not time for Aunt Flo to visit; time for whiskey flow to visit. I don’t know about you all but I’m pretty seasonal when it comes to the alcohol I’m drinking. I prefer whiskey in the late fall and winter. Whiskey warms you from the inside out. That’s why I’ve create the Randy Reindeer, a simple whiskey cocktail recipe that you can make in under a minute. You never know how quickly you might need a drink over the holiday season.
Booze and the holiday season always reminds me of one special Christmas way back when I was a freshman in High School. This is a story that I only told me family about last year and they were drunk so they probably don’t remember it. In other words, if you happen to actually know my family, how about you keep your mouth shut about this one, okay?
Anyway. My mom’s favorite drink is a long island iced tea. Since her birthday is a few days before Christmas it is often the case that these are the holiday drink of choice for the adults partaking. During this one particular year, when I was about 15, my mom and grandma and maybe an aunt or two all made themselves these giant long island drinks. If you are unfamiliar a Long Island is all the clear liquors (gin, vodka, tequila, triple sec and rum) + sweet and sour + coca cola / pepsi. Well, this year they all started sipping on their drinks then they started snarling their noses.
“This taste watered down to you?”
“Yeah. You think the ice melted too fast or what?”
“Maybe. Something tastes off.”
“It’s definitely not the best one I’ve ever had.”
Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the kitchen with them all trying really hard not to make any sort of facial signs to indicate my guilt. I wanted to both laugh and run out of the room at the same time in order to not get my ass kicked. You see, a month earlier I happened to switch out the vodka under my mom’s sink with water. I assumed no one would notice since the drinks are already so strong, but of course, I was young and dumb and wrong.
I let them drink their watered down drinks never saying a peep about it for over a decade.
This was of course way better than the time during another Christmas when my cousin and I got drunk while no one was looking and then when we were leaving my parents were like, “guess who’s driving home?! The sober teenager.” And looked at me. I can’t remember how I got out of that one exactly, but we’re all still here so I guess I did something right even though I’m so good at doing things all naughty like.