Dick Size v. Height: An Argument In Inches

does dick size matter

Would you rather be tall or have a big dick?

Or

Does dick size or height size really matter in the end?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I have a blog called Go Eat A Carrot, and because it’s a play on the male genitalia I get a lot of requests to talk about dick size. At the same time, I am also on Tinder and I see a lot of bio profiles with lines like, “5’9 since that seems to matter,” or “taller than you in heels,” or “5’10, 7” in heels,” etc etc. So, I want to take a minute to unpack some size issues, both the issues of height and the issues of dick size.

Read an earlier opinion Does Dick Size Matter? Here.

Let’s imagine for a second that the Size Goddess Fairy appeared before you and offered you two extra inches. Would you take those inches and make yourself taller, would you give yourself (or your lover) two inches more dick, or would you say fuck you, I’m perfect just the way I am?

I’m going to make a bold statement right now and say you’re perfect just the way you are.

Here’s why.

Whatever you have to work with you can always make it work both for yourself and for your lovers.

Sure, it’s scientifically proven that taller people are more successful, smarter, and make way more money than short people but could we admit for a second that along with the possibility of biological animalistic attraction it is also culturally conditioned?

Perhaps this is a mistake to say out loud because when I do I will have much more competition in this arena, but if you are a person who is attracted to men I suggest right now that you don’t discount the short guys.

It’s a pretty big secret shared only amongst the sex-positive sluts of the world that quite often short guys not only have big dicks but big personalities. They have learned to compensate for their lack of height by learning to become well-rounded people and not just assholes who get by on their looks alone.

Stereotypical mainstream “hot” people are quite often not that great in the bedroom or in conversation either. (This is not ALWAYS true, but it a closer to the truth.)

Also tall guys do not ALWAYS have big dicks. I would say that out of all the tall guys I’ve fucked only two have had super big dicks and all the others were moderate, sometimes even small.

Not that dick size matters. I mean, there are like 532 things you can do sexually that do not involve a penis at all.  

What does matter is Big Dick Energy (BDE). Whether you’re male or female, tall or short, anyone can have Big Dick Energy. What it comes down to is confidence and assertiveness and an acceptance of who you are and what you have to offer to the world.

So maybe in the end, when the Size Goddess Fairy asks you where you want the two extra inches you can just apply it to your Big Dick Energy instead.

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3 Things for Singles to Do On Valentine’s Day 

singe on valentines day

Valentine’s Day Ideas for Singles

For many singles, Valentine’s Day brings up a lot of gross feelings such as loneliness, despair, sadness. Those feelings are valid. Feel the feelings, but note that they too shall pass. Love is all around and already deep within. Here are a few ways to feel that love even more this Valentine’s Day–or any day of the year for that matter.

Learn the best thing about being single in this video.

3 Ways to Enjoy Valentine’s Day When You’re Single

1. Give Love Back

For the past three years my best friend and I have made Valentine’s Day cards and have gone out on the streets of Denver to pass them and candy out to strangers walking by. Every year we’re amazed by the responses. People light up, they smile, they gush, they ask to take pics with us. For us it’s about giving back a bit of love to everyone regardless of who they are because we all deserve it, we are all worth it. So, if you’re feeling down one idea is to give back to others, whether you volunteer at a homeless shelter or volunteer to walk dogs or babysit for your couple friend who want a night out on the town, whatever style of giving you choose it’s a pretty powerful way to get out of your own head and see that love is all around you.

Valentine's shop

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2. Love Yourself All Night Long

Self-love takes work. Just like it takes work to love others except often it’s much harder because we have to live with ourselves every moment of every day. I don’t know about you, but I have been known to get on my own nerves from time to time.

That being said, I also love myself. It’s fun to take a night and do things that make you feel good. Pamper the shit out of yourself.

Cook yourself a nice meal, drink a glass of wine or three, go get a massage or take a hot bath (add a herbal tea mix or bath bomb to the water to really treat yourself), write down your hopes and dreams, make one of those vision boards, read a good book (This is How You Lose Her, Jitterbug Perfume, O’ Pioneers I can go on and on), masturbate with a nice lube, maybe splurge and buy yourself a new toy, light a candle or two. Do you boo boo, you deserve it.

Check out my list of the Best Sex Toys for Men here.

or

Discover the Best Sex Toys for Any Budget here.

3. Express Your Gratitude

Valentine’s Day is a great time to reflect back on all that you have. Why not get a group of single friends together and celebrate how wonderful it is to be in each others lives? Make fancy cocktails or collaborate on a new project together (or both). If your friends are far away write them a letter that says how much they mean to you. This works with family members too. It’s never a bad time to say something good about someone dear to you. It might be just what they needed to hear or just what you needed to say to have a more joyful day.

Anyway, you go I hope you have a lovely holiday. I’ll be handing out Valentine’s on the streets of Denver as per usual. Perhaps I’ll see you out and about!

Join us on Patreon to get Go Eat a Carrot Exclusives. Including artistic nudity, erotica readings, and so much more!

Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas For All Kinds

valentines day gifts

Discover These Unique Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas

Sexy, Romantic, or Cute: Valentine’s Day Gifts

No matter if you’re shopping for a lover, friend, or yourself, discover these Valentine’s Day gift ideas as you celebrate the season of love.

Rev Up The Sexy

Sure, you could select erotic lacy lingerie or you could step it up a notch with a sex toy (or 12) guaranteed to keep the orgasms a coming.

There are so many options on the market these days from couples toys to male masturbators to clitoral vibrators, it would be hard to go wrong, especially if you’re picking from the high-end companies like Lelo, We-Vibe, Fun Factory etc.

If you really want to go all kinked out and have a bunch of extra cash just hanging around (lucky you) Lelo has this pretty amazing Anniversary Gift Set full of a dozen of crazy high-end contraptions that comes in its own suitcase (including handcuffs, impact toys, and vibrators).

If $1900 is out of your price range there are two other Pleasure Set options that look like a ton of fun.

Explore the Kit and other Lelo Products here. (Plus Lelo is offering 25% off and a free gift on your order this month.)

Pour Your Heart Out

Or hire someone else to do it for you. What’s more romantic than a customized poem? With Abigail Mott Poetry select a topic of your choice, fill her in on some of the juicy details of your love life and she’ll use her vintage typewriter to create words that that will capture the inner workings of your soul. What better way to express your deepest feelings?!

These poems also make great wedding gifts, friend gifts, or even gifts for your mother.

Order your specialized poem here.

Get Tipsy With It

This one is simple, cute, and delicious. Buy your special someone their favorite beer and write a note on it that says, “Will You Beer My Valentine?”

Of course, if you don’t have a special someone you can just buy some beer for yourself and enjoy a night of lowered inhibitions and warm fuzzy thoughts.

This Portable Beer Dispenser could be a nice addition to the beer if you’re looking to up-level the drinking experience.

Shop for it here.

Whatever you do this Valentine’s Day I hope it’s filled with love, at the very least for yourself. If you’d like to share some love with me and get exclusives you won’t find anywhere else come join us on Patreon.

Uncuffed and Alone: An Exercise to Help You Get More (And Better) Dates

tips for better dating

A Tip for Better Dating

Love, Romance, And The Art of Being

So, you survived the holiday season as a single entity. January has been alright since everyone is all about getting healthy and transforming into a new ‘you’ blah blah. But, the season of love approaches and your dating life has seen better days.

I’m going to offer a simple exercise to add to your daily life to potentially improve your dating life, because just like one would do crunches in order to strengthen their ab muscles one must also actively exercise their social skills.

I’m not going to tell you to delete your dating apps or to learn to love yourself more, I think both of those suggestions lean on the bullshit side of things.

Sure, dating apps can be discouraging, to say the least, but they are but one resource, one tool, in the world of romance and you might as well use all that you have, right? Because you never know. You definitely won’t know if you don’t try.

Male Sex Toys 300x250

I also want to take a minute to unpack the concept of “learning to love yourself more.”

I mean, is wanting to have a meaningful relationship with another person keeping you from loving yourself? No.

Are you living your life doing the things you want to do?

Are you working on your own personal growth and development in the best way you can?

Because here’s the thing, we all do the best we can at the place that we’re at. Some days are going to better than other days. Some days you might be hard on yourself or be annoyed with yourself but that doesn’t mean you don’t love yourself enough.

What right does anyone else have to tell you how much love you have for yourself?

It’s sort of like when someone suggests that you “just be yourself,” as if that means anything, as if it was possible to somehow transform suddenly into another body with another personality.

If people were really trying to give you some good advice, the best advice would be to cut the “yourself” from the phrase and to suggest that you “just be.”

To be present in the moment that you are in and to not attach yourself so severely to your thoughts or your emotions.

Do you remember a time when you were angry or joyful or afraid? You can feel how that feeling felt but you also know that it’s a memory and you weren’t stuck in that feeling for your entire life. In that sense, when feelings arise in the present you can remember that they will not necessarily stick around either. This is an important skill to have in not just your dating life but life in general and is a much better suggestion than learning to love yourself more.

But, I digress.

Here’s a simple exercise to add to your everyday life. When you venture out into the world, try for the next couple of weeks to engage in conversation with at least 3 random people every day. I’m talking complete strangers–old ladies, kids, teachers, baristas, neighbors, friends of friends etc.

No, it doesn’t count to say, ‘how are doing’ to the guy at 711 every morning when you buy your doughnut or whatever, that’s just being a decent human being. I am suggesting a short dialogue involving at least one question that requires an answer beyond “fine.”

I know that this task may sound daunting to some people. Start with talking to one random person and go from there if three overwhelms you, but let me breakdown why this exercise has the potential to help your dating life.

Talking to strangers opens up connections. Suddenly, you and the people you interact with will feel a little less alone in the world. It’s a small act that contains much larger consequences. It’s recognizing our humanity. It’s a way to push yourself out of your comfort zone and break the invisible wall that we all often put up while in public spaces. It’s a way to be more engaged in your surroundings. It’s a way to make you an active participant in your own life, to write your own script instead of just watching your story unfold like a passive consumer.

Plus, you never know who you might meet. Once you’re at ease talking to someone else’s grandma or your best friend’s random cousin, it will not be out of character for you to talk to a random person you’re actually attracted. It will come out naturally. You will not be invested in the outcome but present in the moment of the interaction and thus will be more confident.

People are attracted to other people who are confident. We all know this, but many people don’t understand what it means or how to gain it, and I’m telling you right now. You have to hurl yourself into the unfamiliar until the unfamiliar is familiar.  

You think I’m being overdramatic, I dare you to give it a try.

Here’s a short example of something that could happen. Let’s say you enjoy reading books, so one day you go to the bookstore and you’re hanging out in your favorite genre section. While you’re there you see an older woman in her 50s also browsing. So, you say something along the lines of,

“Excuse me. Hello. I just finished a really amazing book about _____ and now I’m afraid that nothing I pick will live up to its amazingness. Do you have any recommendations on amazing life-changing books? I feel it’s always better to ask another book lover than to just randomly pick something.”  

Somehow you get into this crazy conversation about books and the best authors in the entire world.

As you’re wrapping up she says something like, “You know what, I think my niece would get a kick out of you. Are you seeing anyone?” And then, whoa, you just randomly got set up on a blind date.

OR nothing like that happens but you did just have an amazing conversation AND found a new book to read.

See where i’m going here?

Movember

Anyhoo. I am also single. So, if you’re willing to do this, I will do this as well because nothing is more bullshit than someone who tells someone else to try something that they aren’t willing to do themselves.

There will be days when you are just not in the mood. I would suggest to try it anyway because it’s the type of thing that could actually get you out of that mood.

Keep me posted on what happens, how you feel, etc. This shall be quite fun.

Enjoy this article? Want more? Get exclusives by joining the badasses on my Patreon. Or show your support by sending me a gift off my Amazon Wish List or just straight-up send me money. This goddess would love some more money.

Burning Man Butt Story + BDSM Kink Toy Review: Tantus Tawse It Overboard

tantus tawse

Tawse It For a Good Time

Or

If You Like Pain, You’re In Luck

One warm evening during my first (and currently only) trip to Burning Man my friend and I decided we were going to ride our bikes all the way across the Playa to check out this DJ set that was going all night long. Of course, it being Burning Man, I never made it to the DJ set. Along the way we were yelled at by a bunch of guys in kilts who insisted we stop and drink a beer with them. Since my friend and I are quite talented at drinking beer we agreed. Turns out, we were drinking beer at an Australian BDSM Kink camp. They were playing this dice game where if you lost you had to take a beating and if you won you got to beat one of the Doms playing. There were a couple of people ahead of me and I got a little bored waiting.

Finally, I was like, can someone just hit me with something because I don’t care about playing this game.  

Of course, when I said that I was making direct eye contact with the hottest guy at the camp, and at that point the hottest guy I had seen at Burning Man (until the Hottest Sex I’ve Ever Had story happened later), he quickly agreed. I found out his name was Tetris.

Tetris made his own toys and flogged me with his favorite flogger. Then after he flogged me about 60x times with that flogger he proceeded to test pretty much every single other device they had at the camp, which was a lot of devices. The toy that hurt the most and left the biggest mark was a paddle with a bunch of holes carved out. He hit me so hard with that paddle it left circles on my ass that lasted basically the rest of the time I was there. See for yourself:


Anyway, many more adventures continued with Tetris, I even found a way to get out of these fancy handcuffs that he claimed no woman had ever been able to get out of before, but all of that for another day, another time, perhaps in my book if we’re all lucky.

The whole point of the story was to say that I have experienced many different types of floggers, paddles, crops, hands, pervertables in my lifespan thus far. But I had yet to try a tawse. In fact, I didn’t even know there was a particular word for this shape of toy until I looked into it more.

Turns out the tawse was used as a form of punishment for school children, mostly in Scotland. In fact, it was used in Scotland up until 1987, so some of you Scotts may still have fond memories of this tool. And by fond I mean horrific.

The tawse I recently acquired from the amazing company Tantus has 4-tongues and is made out of ultra-premium silicone, which is somehow even more intense then the typical leather. It also has a six inch handle that can be used for impact play or as an insertable. The tawse is also Hypoallergenic, Hygienic, Boilable, Bleachable and Dishwasher Safe.

I’ll tell you what, my friend came by one day, she picked it up and slapped me playfully across the thigh and even that light impact hurt like a bitch. I felt it for at least an hour afterward. This is not a toy to fuck around with, it will leave a mark. My roommate and I tested it briefly over our jeans. We did some light warm ups with a couple of heavy hits and that was enough to make me stand around instead of sit down for awhile.

I’m honestly kind of scared to hand it over to a Dom because I do like being able to walk around and I’m not sure I’ll be able to use my backside for a week after. I will do it though because even though I’m a switch I do lean more on the masochist side, I just have to prepare my brain for the pain. A let go of control of course.

There’s still a lot to test with it so I’ll do another update as I mess around with it more.

That being said, if you’re looking to up the intensity of your play sessions this is a good way to go. It’s much cheaper than a trip to Burning Man, though if you make it there and find a sexy man named Tetris tell him I say hello.  

Buy the Tawse It Overboard (or shop other great Tantus products) Here

Can you handle it?

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday: Navigating Through A World That Hates Sex


I Don’t Know What The Fuck I’m Doing

or

How I Violate Community Guidelines Every Day of My Life

As many of you have probably noticed I’ve taken a bit of a breather from the blog. There were multiple reasons for this such as holiday travel / family gatherings, falling in a deep dark well of depression, and getting in trouble yet again on yet another online social platform.

I was left feeling rather stuck. Rather annoyed. I began questioning everything I’ve been doing the last nine months. Like, why am I continuing to talk about sex when every time I do I find myself getting spanked quite unpleasantly by a bunch of puritanical freedom-of-speech haters?

So far I’ve gotten warnings, strikes, deletions etc. from Instagram (complete deletion), Tinder (flagged and removed photo), Patreon (forced deletion of content), Mailchimp (deletion of account), and YouTube (two strikes). I’ll tell you, it’s getting old.

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I’m talking about this not to necessarily whine about my predicaments (or preDICKaments haha) but to point out that this is not just a violation of my freedom of speech, but of everyone else’s freedom to learn, explore, discover. Sexuality shouldn’t be shamed. We should be able to express it without the fear of being removed from a platform. It’s not my fault or your fault that the creators of these platforms can’t differentiate between pornography and sexual expression / education.

I don’t even know where to begin on the issues I’ve had regarding the promotion of sex toys. I guess adults aren’t allowed to play?

But to be completely honest, yes this has been frustrating but more than that, I’ve gotten bored.

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Who knew that sex could become so boring?

Well, now I know when it becomes a chore to talk about it, take sexy pics on the regular, always be researching it, etc. doing it because I have to test something or try something to discuss it later, that’s when it becomes boring. At times it feels like way too much surface and not enough depth. Yes, I have nice tits, but that’s not necessarily interesting. It’s just how my body grew into itself.   

Thus I’ve been struggling with what I want to do with this blog. Initially it was designed as a way for me to release the truth of what I know (which isn’t much tbh) into the world. Much of what I know is about sexuality because that’s what my background education is in, but that’s not really getting to the truth of much.

So, this next year, I’m going to go back to my original intent. I’ll still talk about sex, dating, relationships etc. but I’ll be throwing in other random topics as well because I want to entertain myself. Yes, I love having readers. I love having your support. But, if I veer away from the root of who I am it will all become vapid and get lost in internet space.


You can play if you want to… Tantus G-Spot or P-Spot Dildos. Click on Image to explore further.

Side note, I’m still working through the issues with Patreon, but I hope to have some new posts up soon, perhaps today and definitely the usually Freaky Fan Friday video and erotica readings.

If you want to show your support without supporting Patreon feel free to email me to discuss the best ways to tip.

Thank you all for your patience as I renew and refresh this blog and all my other social media pages. May your pleasure always come first.

Just saying the same stuff but out loud. . .


Kinky Holiday Gifts Disguised As Regular Presents

Three Gift Ideas for the Kink At Heart

Nothing says, “I love you,” like presents that have multiple purposes. Why not give the gift of pervertables this year? Here are three things that can be used in everyday life and also in the bedroom to add some kink to your play time.

Heart-Shaped Wooden Spoons

These are both beautiful and naughty. Use them to stir up some soup or take them to the bedroom and spank the night away.

Get them here.

Coconut Oil

This is one the most versatile oils money can buy. Not only can you use it for cooking you can also use it for hundreds of other things from cuticle softener, make-up remover, lotion, and as a massage oil.


Buy a nice bottle here.

Big Plushy Towels

Sure, they look innocent enough, but what happens when you wring them up and slap someone’s ass with them? They’re also nice to put down if you or someone you know happens to be a squirter. 

Buy super soft plushy towels here. 

Want to get actual sex toys for you or your loved ones this holiday season? Check out my video that lists some of the best options out there. 

How to Holiday Whiskey Cocktail: The Randy Reindeer


A Simple Cocktail that Will Knock Your Tail Off

It’s that time of the month again. No, not time for Aunt Flo to visit; time for whiskey flow to visit. I don’t know about you all but I’m pretty seasonal when it comes to the alcohol I’m drinking. I prefer whiskey in the late fall and winter. Whiskey warms you from the inside out. That’s why I’ve create the Randy Reindeer, a simple whiskey cocktail recipe that you can make in under a minute. You never know how quickly you might need a drink over the holiday season.

Your Sexiest Christmas Ever

Booze and the holiday season always reminds me of one special Christmas way back when I was a freshman in High School. This is a story that I only told me family about last year and they were drunk so they probably don’t remember it. In other words, if you happen to actually know my family, how about you keep your mouth shut about this one, okay?

Anyway. My mom’s favorite drink is a long island iced tea. Since her birthday is a few days before Christmas it is often the case that these are the holiday drink of choice for the adults partaking. During this one particular year, when I was about 15, my mom and grandma and maybe an aunt or two all made themselves these giant long island drinks. If you are unfamiliar a Long Island is all the clear liquors (gin, vodka, tequila, triple sec and rum) + sweet and sour + coca cola / pepsi. Well, this year they all started sipping on their drinks then they started snarling their noses.

“This taste watered down to you?”

“Yeah. You think the ice melted too fast or what?”

“Maybe. Something tastes off.”

“It’s definitely not the best one I’ve ever had.”

“No.”

Meanwhile, I’m sitting in the kitchen with them all trying really hard not to make any sort of facial signs to indicate my guilt. I wanted to both laugh and run out of the room at the same time in order to not get my ass kicked. You see, a month earlier I happened to switch out the vodka under my mom’s sink with water. I assumed no one would notice since the drinks are already so strong, but of course, I was young and dumb and wrong.

I let them drink their watered down drinks never saying a peep about it for over a decade.

This was of course way better than the time during another Christmas when my cousin and I got drunk while no one was looking and then when we were leaving my parents were like, “guess who’s driving home?! The sober teenager.” And looked at me. I can’t remember how I got out of that one exactly, but we’re all still here so I guess I did something right even though I’m so good at doing things all naughty like.

Just like Randi the Reindeer!

Get the Ugly Reindeer Holiday Sweater Here!

In honor of the erotic story about Randi the Reindeer that you can hear my read on Patreon tomorrow, here is the Randy Reindeer Whiskey cocktail drink.

The Randy Reindeer

1 shot of whiskey (I used Bulleit bourbon)

Fill with Apple Cider

Garnish with Cinnamon Stick and Carrot

(You can either go warm or cold with this drink so toss in some ice or use apple cider that’s already been warmed up.)

Drink up.

Get the Probably Whiskey mug here.

Cheers!

Here’s Randi the Reindeer Making the Drink on Camera

Thirsty yet?


Loving Being Alone v. Longing in Love

Tits Out Truth Bombs Tuesday

Is it Better to Be Alone or to Be in Longing?

We live in a culture that’s obsessed with love. Most people who aren’t in romantic relationships are in a sort of perpetual continual search for “the one,” while many who are with someone are in a continuous state of questioning whether the one they are with is “the one.”

To love ourselves is hard work, to love someone else is even harder.

To love someone who doesn’t love us back the way we want them to love us is torture.

Either way, whether you’re alone, in longing, or in reciprocal love there will always be pain.

The question comes down to what kind of pain can you most tolerate?

Your Sexiest Christmas Ever

When you’re alone the pain seems to often manifest as boredom, a feeling of not being connected, accepted, understood. The pain of always having to make yourself happy.

When you’re in reciprocal love there’s the pain of frustrations, compromises, continual communication, perhaps irritation from being around someone all the time. The annoyance of not being understood by someone you thought understood you more than anyone else.

Longing for love is completely misery, anxiety, fear. It’s a desperation close to walking through the desert without any water. Fantasy

Of course, with the pain there is also pleasure.

Alone you have your freedoms. You have the capability to explore more of your own internal workings, to come to peace with your quirks and idiosyncrasies, to be weird without anyone else being able to judge it.

Reciprocal love gives both people added joy to their days and sex, let’s not forget about that.

Longing in love creates a world of fantasy. You can imagine a whole alternative world where you live happily ever after and within that fantasy you might be better off than in any reality of being with the actual person.

Because the truth of the matter is that along with all of our positive traits we all have flaws and annoying behaviors. These can range in scope from something as insignificant as smacking our mouths together when we eat to even bigger issues like avoidant behavior or straight up manipulation.

There’s the running argument that people need to be with other people. We’re pack-animals. Tribal. Our survival rests on each of us contributing, helping, supporting each other. Yet, how much of this needs to happen in a romantic way? In a monogamous way?

Would it be so bad to be alone yet have intimate non-sexual relationships with friends and family? Maybe we’ve all been approaching this all wrong? Perhaps we’re obsessed with the concept of love because we’re so bombarded by it every day? We’re bombarded by it because it creates such a huge distraction from dealing with our own shit. We’re bombarded with it because it helps keep our society running from the obvious reproductive side to the financial side of everything that goes into dating and marriage (fitness, appearance cost, dinners, houses, gifts, parties, booze etc).

If we all stopped collectively being obsessed with finding the one, if we let go of our longing for that which would never really work anyway, would that completely change our cultural landscape? And would that shift be better or worse?

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It definitely wouldn’t hurt to take a step back and reevaluate it all that’s for sure. When we remove ourselves from the center of the situation it is often much more easier to see what’s really going on. Sure, love is a beautiful way of being but there are many ways to do it and it just might be time to try some alternative ways.

More thoughts on getting over longing, from this deer. 


Holiday Single Survival: What To Say When The Dreaded Question Pops Up

When Your Family Asks About Your Dating Life

I love going home for the holidays. All I do is eat food, cruise around the gravel roads looking for deer, drink beer, watch terrible cable tv, laugh with my family etc. I’ve been single for a long time. So long in fact that I can’t even think of the last person I took home over Christmas to introduce to my family. I’ve become a professional at dealing with the question. You know what I’m talking about. You’re at the dinner table or you’re all drinking Long Island Iced Teas while eating pounds of desserts your mom has been baking all month, everything going along swimmingly when out of nowhere, someone, most likely your mother or your best friend from high school has to ask, “So, you seeing anyone special?”

Perhaps this question doesn’t bother you. If that’s the case, see you at my next blog. If you are single and it does get under your skin, here are some suggested clapbacks and/or legitimate responses.

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The Deflection

Nothing says, “I don’t want to talk about this with you” than a classic distraction. Look toward the window. Furrow your brow. Hurry over, say, “what in the heecckk is that?” They’ll all rush over. That’s when you come up with something strange you thought you saw, “I swear I just saw a dude wearing an all-orange jumpsuit walking down the street with an accordian,” or “strange, it looked like a wolf, but maybe it was just a dog? You have feral dogs wandering your neighborhood now?” etc etc. Of course, the deflection typically only works for a few moments, days max, and then someone somewhere will find the nerve to bring it up yet again.

The Ego Stroke

This one is great because the phrasing of it makes the people around you feel special.

“I’ve been putting myself out there but I have yet to find anyone that meets the standards I learned to look for by being around such an amazing family.”  

Blunt Truth

Just say it like it is, “No. There’s no one special.”

The Turn-Around

If they continue to annoy you, it’s always a joy to flip the question back on to them, “How’s your love life going?” Because regardless of whether they’re married or dating “someone” special that doesn’t mean they get a pass and should be out of the clear. No relationship is perfect and it can be helpful for them to get a taste of their own medicine. Perhaps, they’re realize what it feels like to be asked such questions and will refrain from doing so in the future.

Self Love

“I’m focusing on my career and discovering hobbies I love to do. I recently started learning how to _____ and it’s been fun.”

If the person says something along the lines of, “well you should really get out there and date more.” You can always hit them with a statistic like, “from all the research I’ve done with regards to dating etc. every dating coach / advice column etc. suggests the best way to find love is to do the things you love. You’ll meet people that way and then you’ll already have a common connection, so, in this way I AM dating, by dating myself.”

The SnP

From one of the greatest rap groups of all time, Salt n Peppa comes the lyrics, “It’s none of your business,” which you could always just start playing the song to the horror of your grandma (not my grandma, she’s the one I used to listen to it with) or you could say the same thing more gracefully like, “I’d prefer to leave my private life, private.”

Do you have a line you like to use? Or a strategy you employ when dealing with unwanted questions from your family? Leave your comments below. I’m always down for trying to tactics.